02x02 - Midwife Crisis

Episode transcripts for the TV show "How I Met Your Father". Aired: January 18, 2022 to present.
Spin-off from How I Met Your Mother, Sophie tells her son how she met his Father.
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02x02 - Midwife Crisis

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♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

Honey, um...

There's something
you should know about your mom.

I'm a dirty liar.


Is this endless story
you're telling not even true?

Of course, it is!

I quit lying last year when I turned .

- SOPHIE'S SON: Mom...
- Don't.

But back in the day, compulsive lying,

well, it was kind of my jam.

Especially when I was feeling insecure.

And waiting to hear from the gallery
if my photos sold

was making me hella insecure.

You know you can actually
get a ticket for that.

It's called "distracted walking."

Oh, I forgot you minored
in sidewalk law.

Plus, I am not even distracted.

That yoga class really centered me.

[RINGTONE CHIMING] Oh, excuse me.

Pardon me. Sorry. Important call.

Life-changing moment! Sorry!

Hello? Uh-huh.

Really? That's amazing.

Thank you so much for the phone call.

Turns out, that wasn't my phone.

But, uh, Brooke, your dog's
operation was a success.

VALENTINA: Wait, is that...


This is not how I wanted to meet her.
I look gross!

She's a pop star
whose single is breaking out,

and I'm a struggling photographer whose

face is breaking out. Look at this!

That was a piece of nougat.

Yeah, so it's all been
kind of a whirlwind.

I did the Today show yesterday,

I'm doing The Tonight Show tomorrow,
and Last Week Tonight next week.

Plus, she's got
The Late Late Show on Friday,

and then that segment for Sunday Morning
later that afternoon.

You're a Saturday Night Live
Thursday pre-sh**t away

from having the world's
most confusing schedule.

ELLEN: Ugh, come on!

You know, it's been days
since I gave Rachel my number,

and she still has it texted me yet!
But, she has time to tweet

that Sarah Paulson was
a revelation as Roseanne Barr?

That was Sarah Paulson in

Lower The Barr: the Life
and Unhinging of Roseanne Barr?

What a chameleon!

Oh. Sid, my beer is all foam.

- It's called head, not foam.
- Oh.

Well then, why'd you
give me so much head?

- Oh! [LAUGHS]
- Head!

Clean it up, Meredith.
This is a family bar.

No worries. I'll take it.
Old J-Boy loves head.

Ah, love it when you
push the envelope, bro!


Oh hey, what is Sophie doing outside?

Babe, you gotta blend.
You look like the clown from It.

- From what?
- From It.

- From what?
- From It!

It is the name of the movie.

What is the name of the movie?!

You know everyone can see you, right?

You wanna stop being weird
and come inside?

I don't know. It's gonna be so awkward.

Jesse probably told her about our

thing. I'm sure she's thr*at by it.

- Nope. She doesn't care.
- Damn it.

God, that makes it so much worse.

Of course, Meredith
isn't thr*at by me.

She just released Song of the Year,
and I...

I just sold a photo
for a crazy amount of money.

Wow. Good for you!

- Did she sell it?
- No! She's going full Elizabeth Holmes.

Yeah, it was a huge bidding w*r
between the Prince of Liechtenstein,

the CFO of Barry's Bootcamp,

and the sisters from Sister Sister.
And just to be clear,

the Sister Sister sisters were not
bidding together as sisters, so...

Like I said,

I had a small lying problem.

- SOPHIE'S SON: Mom...
- A medium lying problem.

- Okay, fine.

It was a huge [BLEEP] problem, okay?

Ellen, watching Rachel's door
isn't gonna make her ask you out.

Just like more water isn't gonna
bring back Planthony Hopkins.

Do you think she changed
her mind about me?

Of course, she did. Am I ugly?

Charlie, you'd tell me
if I was ugly, right?

Of course. I always tell ugly people
when they're ugly.

Why do you think the fuggo super
won't fix our sink?

You're right. I'm a dime.

It must be my garbage personality.

Ellen, if your personality is garbage,

then call me a raccoon
because I love it.

Aw. Well, then call me an ambulance

because that compliment
damn near k*lled me.

You just need to remind Rachel
how great you are.

So, we are gonna spruce this place up,

gonna put on our Sunday best,

and then leave the door playfully ajar.

When Rachel walks by, she won't be able
to resist asking you out.


The only flaw in your plan is

it's so bad in here.

Yes. Should've had that threesome

with Chip and Joanna Gaines
while I had the chance.

Grilled cheese, coming in hot!

Yes! This man is
a grilled cheese maestro.

He's like the Eddie Vedder of cheddar.
May I?

Dude, you never have
to ask about sharing stuff.

- JESSE: Ooh...
- Food, shampoo, a journal...

Okay, we've discussed this.
I'm not sharing a journal with you.

I'm still gonna leave every other page

blank in case you change your mind.

- I'm gonna go get some ranch.
- Yeah, ranch it up, baby!

Mm, yum.

Hey, hey, hey! Don't even think
about eating one of these.

- These are for me and Jesse.
- Seriously?

- There's, like, six of them.
- Yeah. Yeah!

Two for me. Four for him. Zero for you.

He's a hungry boy.

Babe, you want ketchup, too?

BOTH: Uh, yes, please.


- Just give me one, you freak.
- Meredith, stop it.

- Give it to me...
- No! No!

- Come on, I'm hungry, too!
- You don't get

everything you want, sweetie!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! What is happening?

I don't know. All I did was offer her
a scrumptious grilled cheese.

He's lying! He won't give me one

because you're a hungry boy.

What? Okay.

Can everyone please just chill out?

Sid, I know you're still mad at

Meredith about the whole proposal thing,

but we're hanging out again,
and it's feeling really good.

Yeah. I've had issues with Meredith

way before she clowned you
in front of the nation.

- Oh, really? What are they?
- [SCOFFS] I...

Oh, oh, oh! I have an idea.

When I was writing my album
in Sweden with Taag and Bjorn,

we did a Stor Dela Med Sig,
or airing of grievances,

and it really helped. What do you think?

Okay, well, counter pitch to that idea.

Uh, what if instead of airing
those grievances, right,

we just bottle those bad boys up.

We bury them deep
inside us. Uh, forever.


The Swedish have never
really steered me wrong.

Not on meatballs, massages,
or house mafias.

- I'm in.

I thought it went gangbusters
with Meredith earlier, no?

Um... Yeah.

Except that literally
everything you said was untrue.

Okay, fine.

I told a couple of harmless fiblets

to feel better about myself.

But who cares?

And I know you lie about your age.
You do it all the time.

[ELDERLY VOICE]: One senior ticket

for the : Avatar.

That's not a lie. That is a performance.

That shit takes commitment.



- [GASPS] Ramona. Hey!
- Sophie.

I... I'm in early labor.
I think it's almost time.

- Oh, my God. It's almost time!
- Yeah.

You know Ramona from C?

She hired me to
photograph her home birth.

Oh, so, the landlord will let her
give birth in her apartment,

but I can't own a snake?

Okay, well, why don't you
grab your stuff and come on up?

The midwife is running a little late,

so you're fine setting up
the birthing tub, right?

Since you've sh*t a
bunch of home births.

[GROANS] Okay...

I'm gonna go lay down.

Kinda wish I just texted you.

Sophie. Why does Ramona think

you have so much experience
with home births?

I've sh*t so many home births,

I could practically perform one.


Really? 'Cause your portfolio
is mostly corporate headshots

- and pet autopsies.
- Yeah.

That's because a lot of my clients
are pretty high profile.

I mean, it has been NDA after NDA.

And I can't name names, but...

one of my client's names rhymes with
Schmilaria Schmaldwin.

Or should I say...

[IMITATING]: Schmilaria!


Okay, okay, fine.
Okay. So, I lie... a lot.

But not as much as Schmilaria.

I gotta say, this home birth thing...

- not that hard.
- Soph...


- Oh, shit! Soph...
- [GASPS] What?

There's a pump.


- But, now that that's done,

I can get back
to what I actually know about,

which is taking photos of Ramona's...

[WHISPERS]: vagina.

- Ah!
- Ah!

Oh, my God, that water's,
like, a thousand degrees.

Okay, okay, okay. New plan. Um...

She's gonna give birth on the couch.

And then we're gonna
buy her a new couch,

and then we're gonna spend
our entire lives paying off the couch.

What? Soph, just...

Just tell Ramona you don't know
what you're doing.

No. I can't.
I need to do a good job here.

Why? You won't even need gigs
like this once you sell your photo.

What if I never sell it?

What if this is as
good as it gets for me?


Fine. Let's... Let's cool down this tub.

- No!

No! My lungs are not ready for that.


Okay, Sid! Grievances time!

Hey, you know what?
Maybe instead of grievances,

we just do like a compliment
circle instead. Here, I'll go first.

You fine, girl.
Okay, now, it's your turn.

- Let's do this.
- God, they're color-coded?

Okay. I didn't get to all of them,

but this is a good start.

You sneeze like a toddler.

I have a deviated septum.

Your favorite movie is La La Land.

They shut down a freeway
and danced on it.

Your text sound is wind chimes,

- you psycho!
- JESSE: Hey!

No name-calling, alright?
And these are all very petty.

Maybe we can just
fast-forward to the end.

Oh, yeah? You wanna skip
to the grand finale?

And I'm talking, of course,

of the Burrito Incident.

What Burrito Incident?

'Twas the day of Jesse's first

music recital at the elementary school.

And he'd been working
with these kids for months, preparing.

Unrelated, I just started lifting.

I was getting swole,
I started doing meal prep.

I made burritos for the week,
each one with fresh salsa,

homemade pinto beans,
and a smidge of love.

As I was leaving for work,
Jesse, you said you were

[MOUTHING]: so excited for the recital.

And Meredith, you said you were

too sick to go. Cough, cough.

On my way out, I told you both,

"Don't touch my burritos."

And then, "Smell you later."


So glad you don't say that anymore.

Anyway, that night, I returned
home before the recital

because I forgot the
flowers I got Jesse.

And that's when I saw it.


As I looked closer,
I saw a trail of pinto beans.

And on the other side of the door...


I was stuck at home,
starving with a fever,

bummed about missing the recital and...

I shouldn't have eaten your food.

I'm sorry.

Yes! Okay! An apology.
See? That's progress.

Now, please, just hug and make up.

Okay, as a... as a child of divorce,

all this conflict is making me
very uncomfortable.

You guys keep at it,
you're gonna have to promise

to take me to Six Flags
to make up for it. And then never do.

And then buy me a Six Flags T-shirt

and gaslight me into thinking we went
by saying things like,

"Well, if we didn't go,
where'd you get that T-shirt?" [LAUGHS]

Let's get back to the Burrito Incident.

I think we're done
with the Burrito Incident.

You wish, 'Dith! There's more.

Oh, great! There's more!

I'm having a scotch!
I'ma do a scotch. You want a scotch?

You two both look like
you could use a scotch.

Three scotches coming up! Okey-dokey!

We need to talk.

♪ Soft music playing,
indistinct singing ♪

So? How do I look?

Like a million pounds.


The currency,
not the weight measurement.

- Oh. Aw.
- Now...

for the final step.

We crack the door...

and wait to hook us a Rachel fish.

[FAKE LAUGH] So, I told Cara Delevingne,

"I don't have time
to go to your hotel room.

I'm flying to Mykonos, business class."

- You mean first class.
- I mean first class!

- Knock, knock!
- Yoo-hoo! Anybody home?

The door was open,
so we figured you wanted company.

I love what you have done
with the place!

My God, Ellen,
we've hooked the wrong fish.

Throw them back. Throw them back.

I'm Julian. This is Maury.

We moved in together
when our wives died.

We don't know if they died.

They just... disappeared.

On safari, years ago!

Man, they found bones!

They found one bone!

We saw the door open.

Building party? Nice!

Oh, no, we're not having a...

Building party! Come on in!
The more the merrier!

What are you doing?

If Rachel passes by

and we're talking spousal remains
with Maury and Julian,

then you are as d*ad as their wives.

Who wants a spritz?


I ran down to our apartment.
I grabbed this.

Yes. Ice!

Nope! Shrimp.


Did you just pour a shit-ton
of frozen shrimp in a tub

that a woman's about to give birth in?

- Yeah.
- Why?

The ice trays were empty!

It's fine! We'll just stir them around
to cool down the water,

and then we'll... take
them out with this.





So, how was the new Avatar?

- I liked it.
- Worth the wait?

Yeah, I think so.

Good to know.


It's cooler. We did it!

Let's get the shrimp out.


I bet that's the gallery. Oh...

Boy, when the universe gives,
she really gives.

Whoa, whoa!



No. No, Arthur,

I don't have time for a brief survey!

What's going on in here?

And a...

long, happy life.

Hey, Ramona. Uh, I was just...

blessing the birthing water. [LAUGHS]



Why are there shrimp in here?

They're birthing shrimp.

It's a scampi-style birth.

No. No, no, it's not.

[SIGHS] Sorry, Ramona.

I lied. I am a lying liar who lies
when I feel insecure,

which is pretty much always these days.

And the thing is, is I've been waiting

for this phone call from the gallery...


I don't care about your character flaws

or whatever the gallery is.
This baby is coming,

and my midwife is trapped
on the Roosevelt Island tram!

I mean, there's a subway and a bridge!

Why the hell would you take the tram?!

Oh God. Okay. Alright, calm down.

Uh, we're gonna get you to the hospital.

- Okay. Hospital.
- Yeah.


No. No hospital. Time to push.


- Okay, well, that's my cue! Peace!
- Val!

Okay, okay! Let's make a miracle.

Alright. I don't know what you think
you heard that night, but...

Oh, I know exactly what
I heard, Meredith. You were...

Shh! Shh.

Okay, please. Look.

[SIGHS] It wasn't my finest moment.

Okay? But, I've grown since then.

And we're the happiest we've ever been.

Jesse, your best friend,

is happy.

Don't take that away from him.

Okay! Shall we get back
to this Swedish hell ritual?


You know what? I'm actually good.

Yeah, Meredith was right. I feel better.

Really? Okay, Meredith?
Anything? Say no.

No. I'm good. [RELIEVED SIGH]

If only my parents were this good
at conflict resolution.

But, then again, if they were, I

wouldn't have gotten to go to Six Flags

somewhere between
and zero times. [LAUGHS]


Bottom line,

if the price of a safari
seems too good to be true,

then they probably aren't following

proper safety protocols.

Yeah, but I bet those two

are gonna have some stories
when they come back.

Maury, when we see our wives again,

we'll know we're in heaven.

'Cause they're d*ad!

♪ Soft music ♪

Hey! This actually turned into

- a pretty great party, right?
- Oh, it's a terrific party!

You know, I really misjudged
Julian and Maury.

People can't get enough of them.

Did you know that between them,
they have prescriptions?

I don't get it. Why haven't the great

vibes lured Rachel through the doo...

Damn it! Who closed the door?

It was the girl
who lives across the hall.

The one who loves tote bags?

That's Rachel!

She's the whole reason
I pretended to be fun!

Okay, you know what?

Oh, I'm done playing games.

Everybody out!

♪ Music continues ♪

Um, sweetie, that was the air purifier.

- Okay, Ramona.

Many mistakes were made here today.

Some by me, some by Valentina.

Literally every part of this
is your fault.

Doesn't matter.
The paramedics are on their way,

Okay, and the nice lady

from is going to
talk us through this.

And together, we are going to give you

the peaceful home birth of your dreams.

- [SIGHS] Okay.
- Okay? Alright, Kristy?

She is in the tub. Talk to us.

KRISTY [ON PHONE]: Okay, let... [SPLASH]


♪ Intense metal music ♪





I can see the head!
I can see the head! Push!



And do you know
what she named that baby?

SOPHIE'S SON: Uh, Sophie?

No. Ryleigh.

Spelled R-Y-L-E-I-G-H.


[SIGHS] Okay, here's the deal.

I think it's borderline inhumane
that you haven't texted me yet.

If you don't wanna go out,
just tell me. I can take it.

First of all, hi.

Second of all...

I was gonna text you,
but I got in my head about what to say.

So, I googled "what to say,"
which led me to the video

of Jason Derulo's smash hit Whatcha Say,

followed by that scene from The O.C.

set to the Imogen Heap song
that Jason sampled.

Then, the SNL parody of that scene.

[LAUGHS] And I was gonna send that,

but I-I came home,
and I saw you were having a party

and apparently invited everyone
in the building but me.

So, I figured that
if you don't me at your party,

- you definitely don't wanna go out...
- No, no, no, no, no.

I... I just threw that party
to entice you into texting me

by showing you I'm cool and popular.

Oh, my God.

We're both crazy.

We're insane.

- Okay. Great!

- So, I'll text you?
- No!

Texting almost broke us.

How about we go out right now?

Right now's perfect.

Charlie! I know you're watching!


We've got a date, people.


Maury, you owe me $ , .

Two Blue Moons,
appropriate amount of head.

[WHISPERS]: Thanks.

♪ Soft music ♪

I just said I was sick.
It's a kids' recital.

What, am I spending
two hours on the C train

so I can listen
to a bunch of second graders

butcher Hot Cross Buns on the recorder?


And remember when you were like,

"Push!" And then, she pushed!

And remember when you were like,
"Keep pushing!" And then she did,

- and then a freaking baby came out?!
- Oh, my God!

Wow! Val!

I could have never done
that without you. Like, legit.

Soph, you are nothing short
of a lying psychopath,

but you're my lying psychopath.


Oh... speaking of...

There's something I've gotta go do.

Hey, Meredith.

I wanted you to know that
my photo didn't actually sell.

At all.

- Oh.
- But it's fine.

It's fine that it didn't sell.

And that you're pretty
and famous and cool

because I did something
incredible today.

Something even you've never done.
I delivered a baby.

Actually, Meredith had delivered a baby.


You can do this! I got you, Jen!

But that's neither here nor there.

And stupid, classy Meredith just said...

That's really cool, Sophie.


- Oh.

Hello? Yes.

[GASPS] It did?

Yes! Finally! Oh, oh, oh!

Uh, just one sec.
It sold! In your face, Meredith!

JESSE: Whoa...

I'm sorry. I'm just... I-I'm so excited.

[LAUGHS] Congratulations, Sophie.
That's great.

I decided from then on,

it was going to be a new, honest,
straightforward me.

Uh, Sophie... Is that...

shrimp in your hair?

Oh! Oh, this? [LAUGHS]

This is a time-release leave-in
conditioner pellet?

It's injected into a shrimp's body
for added protein.

[SCOFFS] Obviously, you have no

idea what's going on in the hair world.

I've learned nothing.
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