01x05 - Time of the Monkey

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Poker Face". Aired: January 26, 2023 - present.
A mystery-of-the-week series following Charlie Cale, who has an extraordinary ability to determine when someone is lying.
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01x05 - Time of the Monkey

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MAN: Two, three, four...

(JACKIE SHANE'S "ANY OTHER WAY" PLAYING)

♪ Here you come again ♪

♪ And you say that you're my friend ♪

♪ But I know why you're here ♪

♪ She wants to know how I feel ♪

♪ Tell her that I am happy ♪

♪ Tell her that I am gay ♪

♪ Tell her I wouldn't have it ♪

♪ Any other way ♪

♪ ♪

♪ People have been talking ♪

WOMAN: No, tha-tha-that's
just, that's ridiculous.

WOMAN : I'm telling
you, it's a planet again.

Pluto was always a planet.

No, it wasn't. Now it is again.

This is like when you tried to tell me

a strawberry is a nut.

- Strawberry is a nut.
- IRENE: No.

Anything with seeds on
the outside is a nut?

- A raspberry?
- A nut.

I hate your c**t heart.

(BEEPING)

- My tots are done.
- Oh, whoopie.

So, what are we going to watch tonight?

You want to keep going with "Euphorica"?

Kids who think they invented
f*cking? No, thank you.

Oh shit. g*dd*mn
Fletchers have the remote.

JOYCE: Hey, Fletchers. We're
gonna watch "Shark t*nk."

Majority rules the remote.

Majority rules my foot up your ass.

What is this garbage?

JOYCE: So you finish
"Quaintsfordshire m*rder"

and now you want us to care
about who dies in Norway?

- FLETCHERS: Shh!
- IRENE: The blonde did it.

- Bitches.
- (JOYCE CACKLES)

Ooh, Irene, did you
charge your heartcuff?

I sure did, Billy.

That's hilarious
because, um, I'm showing:

Irene. Zero percent. No transmission.

Oh, you want to track my every movement,

so you know every time
I go to the bathroom

so you can jerk it to the knowledge

that I'm pooping.

It's not a GPS, Irene,

all it does is track your vital signs.

Not gonna chip me like some dog.

Woof!

(JOYCE LAUGHING)

BETTY: Last chance.

Last chance to sign up for the zoo trip.

Oh, sure. Great.

(GASPS) Oh, wait, though.

Will we get back in time
to change our diapers

and to watch "Teletubbies"?

We're not f*ck' toddlers, Betty.

We've seen emus before.

BETTY: If you can't make an effort

to be a more positive
community presence,

I may have to report

your illegal drug plants
to the administration.

- (IRENE GASPS)
- No, no, no, no.

- No, no, no.
- Our life-saving medicine.

I know you don't have glaucoma.

And I, and I hate this

witchy Chinese game you're playing.

What are these, runes?

That's right, Betty.

We're Satanists who love dr*gs.

(BETTY SIGHS)

What a f*cking cop.

(MUFFLED): All right now.

So we have you on our third floor.

That's our medical care unit.

I can give you a full
tour of the facilities.

(CLEARLY): And get you set
up on our heartcuff system.

But I'll let you get settled in first.

(DOOR CLOSES)

You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

We have to k*ll that f*ck.

(JACKIE SHANE'S "COMIN' DOWN" PLAYING)

♪ Comin' down ♪

♪ Comin' down ♪

♪ Comin' down ♪

♪ Yes, I'm comin' down ♪

- (EXHALES)
- We happy?

♪ I'm comin' down,
down, down, down, down ♪

♪ Comin' down with a heartache ♪

♪ I ain't sick but I got a fever ♪

♪ Blood pressure's runnin' high ♪

♪ Pulse ain't right, I
can't sleep at night ♪

♪ And here's the reason why ♪

Watch out, Earnhardt.

This ain't bumper cars.

I am so sorry. Wait a minute, Irene.

I guess I was just going
a little bit too fast.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

Mario Andretti over here.

♪ A doctor can't diagnose ♪

♪ 'Cause when a heart
starts to fall apart ♪

♪ You can't hear
through the stethoscope ♪

♪ What's wrong with me? I
said it's a simple fact ♪

♪ I don't believe
you're ever comin' back ♪

♪ I'm comin' down, down ♪

♪ I'm comin' down, down ♪

♪ Comin' down, down ♪

♪ Comin' down, down ♪

♪ I'm coming down, down ♪

♪ Down, down, down ♪

Joyce, can you wheel
me over to the shitter?

- You have to go again?
- WOMAN: Ugh.

(BRIGHT JAZZ SAXOPHONE PLAYING)

(GRUNTING)

♪ ♪

Hurry it up in there.

The bus is here.

The animals aren't going anywhere.

We can't miss the orangutan show.

She's very impressive.

Betty, you think Velcro is impressive.

(GRUNTING)

(TRIMMER WHIRRING)

(SIGHS)

(JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES)

(RUSTLING)

(MAN MUTTERS)

I'm so glad...

you came back.

(GROANING)

(EXHALES)

♪ ♪

It's : . The bus is going to leave.

I got to piss. What the
hell is she doing in there?

I don't know what to tell you people.

She has diarrhea.

That's it. I've had it.

WOMAN: The bus is ready.

Betty. Betty!

Oh. Good.

You gonna help me wipe?

Because my crevices have crevices.

- Excuse me.
- Finally!

(DOOR CLOSES)

(JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES)

(EMU SQUAWKS)

Big deal.

MAN: (ON SPEAKERS) Attention.

Would our guests from
Mossy Oaks retirement

please meet the zookeeper liaison

in the primate area.

Melanie is performing now.

(ANIMALS CHATTERING)

JOYCE: Okay. I think this is good.

- Right here? Okay.
- IRENE: Hmm.

Here. Let's do this.

Okay. You ready?

Yeah. I'm good.

- You don't look ready.
- I'm just... I'm good. Just...

- (TASER CLICKING)
- (APES SHRIEKING)

(ALARM BEEPING RAPIDLY)

(LONG BEEP)

(APES SHRIEKING)

- Girl?
- (GASPS)

- You good?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Take, take this off.

(BEEPING)

I'm not getting a pulse.

MAN: Go, go!

(APES SHRIEKING)

Charging.

Clear.

And clear.

Mm-hmm.

(LONG BEEP)

Oh dear, who is that?

Uh, new guy from , Ben.

Heart att*ck.

(JAZZ SAXOPHONE RESUMES)

(MUSIC ENDS)

(BEEPS)

NARRATOR: Does the perfect m*rder exist?

This, I have asked the owls.

(VACUUM WHIRRING)

FLETCHERS: Shh!

- Hey, do you mind?
- Sorry.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't
worry about the Fletchers.

Oh, the Fletchers. Thanks.

I got to say, they seem very hard-core.

What are they, Dutch?

No, just into m*rder,

very rude.

Now, me, I would never tell a lady

when to stop sucking.

What the f*ck, dude?

BETTY: Pete,

stop pestering the new girl, come on.

And don't forget to sign up
for the zoo trip next week.

That is a very pervy guy.

- It's Pervy Pete.
- Explains it.

BETTY: Steer clear of his entire g*ng,

Chlamydia Cal and Gonorrhea Greg.

They're creeps.

Well, at least truth
in advertising, huh?

Actually, I think it's
Greg that has Chlamydia.

Aha. So, kind of an
Iceland-Greenland scenario.

I know everything about
everyone who lives here.

Just stick with me. I'm Betty.

Hopefully not Botulism Betty.

BETTY: Most people don't
realize all the things

you can do with an Instapot.

Cheesecake. Denver omelet.

I once made a beef
bourguignon in minutes.

(LOUD HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Ladies, would you please turn

your ghetto blaster down?

(BETTY SIGHS)

Watch out for these two.

They're felons.

- And junkies.
- Right.

Ah. Real den of iniquity, this place.

Whatever you do, stay away

from Joyce and Irene.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES)

- (LAUGHTER)
- CHARLIE: I don't want to know.

I really don't.

- Ah!
- IRENE: That was awful.

You guys are trouncing me,

'cause you are a pair of shuffle sharks.

Your form is off. You're too tense.

- You need to loosen up.
- What? No. I'm loose.

That's my whole thing. Am I not loose?

- You should try rage therapy.
- What's that?

(SCREAMS)

That shit feels good.

Hey, you, come on. Reach deep.

It starts in the labia.

Mm-mm. You know...

I think

that I'm fine with bottling.

I... you don't want to see me unbottled.

You can't, you can't
handle the unbottled.

Well, the thing that got us

through our stint at Bedford Hills.

JOYCE: Yeah.

Crazy. You kids were
really inside, huh? Upstate.

JOYCE: We were political prisoners.

Wow, no shit.

No shit whatsoever.

CHARLIE: How'd you get into that?

I was in college. It
was a turbulent time.

- Oh yeah. I mean, the ' s.
- Did you hear that?

- The ' s, b*tch.
- CHARLIE: Oh, right.

You know, I was going to say the ' s

because of all the flannel.

You'd have been better off going there.

I'm so sorry,

just a pair of tweens
and a shuffleboard.

(JOYCE LAUGHS)

CHARLIE: Whoa-whoa!

- Irene!
- IRENE: Yeah, that's right.

Very straight edge.

I mean, not at all what I was expecting.

Yeah, I was on the straight and narrow

before I met my guardian devil.

- What?
- Yeah.

She was shouting down

some coeds on the quad,

and I heard what she was saying

and my brain opened up.

World didn't make sense before that...

and then it did.

It's adorable.

IRENE: She brought me into the group.

Changed my life.

Introduced me to Gabriel.

Ooh-la-la.

Who's this Gabriel? What, who's Gabriel?

Gabriel started the group.

He recruited me and...

- ... he trained us, inspired us.
- Trained us.

He was our... he was our guiding light.

I see what's happening here.

I'm getting a real magnetic vibe.

Like a cult leader with pretty eyes.

Ehh, he looked like
one of those white guys

you see in the picture frames
that you buy from Target.

Excuse me.

- No excuse you.
- Irene, you're nuts. Uh-uh.

Excuse me. Gabriel was hot.

Okay, I'm gonna split the diff.

I'm gonna picture my high
school French teacher.

One thing's for sure though...

BOTH: d*ck like a f*re hydrant!

Oh, good for Gabriel.
Everyone enjoys it.

Yes. Well done, Gabriel.

Gabriel was more than that.

You know, he, he knew that we could make

the world a better place

if we hold the assholes to account.

You feel me?

- I feel you.
- That was Gabriel.

I feel you, I'm...

I am picking up what
you're putting down.

And I gotta say, you two
are the coolest f*ck

I have met in a very long time.

Seriously. I mean, sorry
to curse, but necessary.

- Cool.
- So what happened after that?

What happened after he recruited you?

We went to work.

(NGOZI FAMILY'S "HOLD ON" PLAYING)

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Ngozi Family ♪

CHARLIE: I got to say, it sounds like

I was born in the wrong time.

We were starting to get a reputation.

A band even put our picture

on the cover of their album,

The Droopy Hues.

CHARLIE: The Droopy Hues.

Gosh, what an awful name for a band.

- Were they any good?
- Awful.

♪ ♪

(LAUGHTER)

You mean like...

JOYCE: Uh, Charlie. Yes.

But... together.

Okay. The Euphorica generation

can't handle the heat?

Euphoria? How old do you think I am?

Don't forget to charge
your heartcuff, Irene.

And don't forget to take your head

out of the man's ass, Billy.

(BILLY CHUCKLES)

You know you don't live here, right?

Is that Elaine's cardigan?

You know what, I found it

in the, uh, the lost and found,

which I got to say is stellar.

So much stuff in there.

No, it's, uh, it's actually not lost.

Um, she had an aneurysm and d*ed...

- in that sweater.
- Yeah, it smells like Icy Hot

and a life well lived.

She's gone full Cocoon.

IRENE: Billy, will you marry me?

Hey, Billy, Billy. (KISSING SOUNDS)

So, you're living, you're loving,

you're changing the world.

What went wrong?

Oh, we were planning
our most direct action.

It was the real revolution.

JOYCE: We were gonna
set the world on f*re.

(GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING)

IRENE: We were on the cusp.

That's when it always happens, right?

(CAR DOOR SHUTS)

(INAUDIBLE)

It was a raid.

(g*n)

So that's how...

that's how you got arrested?

Their plan wasn't to arrest us.

They came in there with g*n blazing.

We all tried to run, but...

(SCOFFS)

Irene...

Irene was brave.

She couldn't leave Gabriel behind.

OFFICER: You, on the
ground, on the ground!

- (g*n)
- (IRENE SCREAMS)

JOYCE: Hey, look at me, I got you.

Hey, I got you, okay.

- IRENE: I can't feel my legs.
- I got you.

IRENE: I can't feel my legs.

I can't feel my legs.

I can't feel my legs.

They took, took everything.

My legs...

our freedom.

And Gabriel.

Just hope he didn't suffer.

But we'll never know.

Ah.

Phew.

f*cking Christ, man. You two.

All that loss and you
keep moving forward,

living your lives.

Forgive and forget, right?

IRENE: Oh, sweetie.

No.

We never forgive.

BILLY: We have yoga, swimming,

Pilates, if that interests you.

(BILLY CLEARS THROAT)

All right, if I can get your signature

right here.

Sign on the bottom.

All right. We have you in a suite

on our third floor,
our medical care unit.

I can give you a full
tour of the facilities

and get you set up with
our heartcuff system.

But, uh, I'll let y'all
get settled in first.

Okay, what else, what else, uh...

okay, I think you guys are ready
to come on up to the third floor.

Let's go! Actually,

I have someone to carry
those bags for you.

Charlie!

All right, Uncle Ben,

I've got to h*t the road.

I, uh...

love you.

I'm his nephew.

Sure.

Want me to, uh, close that window?

No, I like the cold.

Ah!

So, where are you from?

Nowhere.

You got any visitors?

Uh, 'cause I can let the front know,

this place can be a real maze.

I got no one.

(LIGHT ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING)

All right.

I'll get this.

Welcome.

(DOOR CLOSES)

♪ Catch a boat to England, baby ♪

♪ Maybe to Spain ♪

♪ Wherever I have gone ♪

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

♪ Wherever I've been and gone ♪

♪ Wherever I have gone, the blues ♪

♪ Are all the same ♪

Gabriel. (LAUGHS)

♪ Send out for whisky, baby ♪

♪ Send out for gin ♪

(JOYCE SOBS)

♪ Me and room service, honey ♪

♪ Me and room service, babe ♪

JOYCE: Even when I saw you,

I couldn't believe it.

We both couldn't.

But I knew your eyes.

I've thought about
this moment for years,

imagining what I'd
do and what I'd say...

if I ever saw you again.

And now that I finally found you...

I don't know.

JOYCE: We would have looked for you.

We never would have stopped looking.

We thought you were d*ad.

(LAUGHS)

But you got away.

Thank God you got away.

♪ Wherever I have played ♪

♪ Whenever I've throwed them dice ♪

♪ Wherever I have played ♪

♪ The blues ♪

♪ Have run the game ♪

♪ Maybe tomorrow, honey ♪

♪ Someplace down the line ♪

(g*n)

♪ I'll wake up older ♪

♪ So much older, mama ♪

♪ I'll wake up older ♪

♪ And I'll just stop all my tryin' ♪

GABRIEL: I didn't have a choice.

Things had gotten out of hand,

and I, I couldn't stop them.

Not on my own.

I know I did the right thing.

But it kills me that I had to hurt

the ones I loved.

It kills you?

Man, we lost...

decades of our lives.

I lost my g*dd*mn legs.

I know.

I'm sorry.

That's why I'm here.

I have this dream

where I see...

the two of you in a
crowd, and I follow you.

For miles. For miles and
miles until my feet bleed.

I try to explain myself.

But you never turn around.

In years...

you never turn around.

And I realized that

the dream would never change

until I told you the truth.

(SOBS)

Can you please forgive me?

Sure, Gabriel.

We forgive you.

(GABRIEL SOBBING)

You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

We have to k*ll that f*ck.

It's : . The bus is going to leave.

I got to piss. What the
hell is she doing in there?

Look, I don't know
what to tell you people.

She has diarrhea.

Bullshitting about sh1tting
Rock on, ladies. Great.

The bus is ready.

All aboard for the zoo.

MAN: (ON SPEAKERS)
Attention. Would our guests

from Mossy Oaks Retirement please...

Hey, ladies. I almost forgot.

Check it out.

I scored it on Etsy.

Droopy Hues.

Okay, let's settle this. Which
one is our friend Gabriel?

Um...

CHARLIE: Huh.

Not what I was expecting.

But you did not over-hype the D-train.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Uh...

All right, so you guys
coming to see this chimp show?

No, you know, we're going to pass on it.

We, uh, we have an allergy.

To monkey dander.

- IRENE: Yeah.
- Ah. Bullshit.

And big mistake.

Enjoy gettin' high.

And catch you on the flipside.

- On the flipside, baby.
- All right, ladies.

IRENE: Let's go, down here.

CHARLIE: Wait for me, chimpanzee.

(GRUMBLING)

Now, Melanie,

can you tell me what time it is?

(TAPS TWICE)

(TAPS TWICE)

(TAPS THRICE)

: .

- Excellent!
- Wow!

That's amazing.

Oh man.

Joyce and Irene are really missing out.

Deviants.

Very uptight.

We weren't even gone half a day.

What was it this time?

Oh, new guy. Ben.

- Oh shit.
- Uh, excuse me.

(SIGHS) Man!

Who was Ben?

That's a,

that's a question for each of us

to answer for ourselves.

And so,

let us take a moment of silence

to reflect on Ben's life

and what he meant to each of us.

Psst. Hey, fake nephew.

Sorry for your loss, man. Scoot over.

Why are you...

I'm a real nephew.

Oh. Listen, I don't
care why you're lying.

You know, if it was

a sugar daddy situation or whatever,

It wasn't... Oh.

He was my uncle.

Oh, sugar uncle?

Regular uncle. No sugar.

Aren't you, like, the bellhop?

You didn't know him. Why are you here?

Well, he just, he seemed sad.

Like, he didn't have anyone, you know.

I figured I could show up here at least,

you know.

The truth is, oh, I mean,
I shouldn't tell you this,

but he's d*ad now, so it's probably...

Ben was in witness protection.
I was his case agent.

- Wow. No shit.
- Hmm.

So you're, like, FBI?

Technically. I mean, yes, I am.

It's just...

I thought I'd be, you know,
fighting the w*r on terror.

Instead, I'm getting groceries for guys

whose testimony was
relevant before I was born.

Never mind that I'm
fluent in f*cking Urdu.

- Oh wow.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

So was he, like, Mafia?

Did he do wet work?

I've said too much already.

Gosh, where do I know this guy from?

Was he on TV or something?

I don't think so.

(SNAPS FINGERS) f*re hydrant.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

- Droopy Hues.
- Droop... What?

Yeah, that's Gabriel. Look at his d*ck.

Y-yes. What? How do you know that?

Well, not to brag, but I'm friends

with these pretty super cool chicks,

Joyce and Irene, who live here,

and they were telling
me about their old flame.

- Ow, dude.
- Joyce Carter and Irene Smothers.

Yes, Joyce and Irene.

Joyce Carter and Irene
Smothers are here?

Yeah, they're my buds. We Mahjong. Why?

f*ck.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

♪ Comin' down ♪

♪ Comin' down ♪

♪ Comin' down ♪

Joyce, Irene.

Special Agent Luca Clark, FBI.

Come with me, please.

♪ I'm coming down,
down, down, down, down ♪

♪ Coming down with a heartache ♪

LUCA: Charlie.

BETTY: They use illegal dr*gs.

They have zero respect for quiet time.

And at the zoo,

they were doing some
kind of sexual zapping.

And at Peter's birthday party,

they both had two pieces of cake.

And I, I didn't get any.

Yes, ma'am. Thank you for sharing

all of this very helpful information.

Those two are no good.

What a f*cking cop. (SCOFFS)

Okay, so the heartcuff
data pins the time of death

when Joyce and Irene were at the zoo,

so they didn't k*ll Gabriel.

Well, I could have told you that.

Well, normally, if someone
in witness protection meets

the people he, you know, witnessed

and then suddenly drops d*ad...

Wait, are you saying that
Ben or Gabriel or whatever,

he's the guy that ratted them out.

Oh God. I'm just so, so dumb.

He said he wanted to transfer here,

and I said, "Mossy Oaks. Sounds nice."

I did zero research whatsoever.

Oh, yes. No, that is not very thorough.

But, uh, don't b*at yourself up.

'Cause guess what, they didn't k*ll him.

I mean, with the zoo and the time,

and I know them,

these guys are cool as shit.

Okay? They are not m*rder.

Charlie, Joyce and Irene
are not cool as shit.

They're domestic t*rrorists.

All right, Mr. Man.

Do you know what they were planning

- when they were arrested?
- Yeah, I do.

They were doing some kind of a big
march or something. So that's, uh...

There were going to blow up a meeting

of the Model United Nations

with b*mb they made out of

(QUIETLY): pressure cookers.

Huh. Wait, I'm sorry, they were going

to blow up the UN?

The Model UN.

As in high schoolers pretending

to be the UN for extra credit.

Okay. Is that better or worse?

Because, I mean, that's
not the real UN, right?

It's so much worse. They...

They were going to k*ll children

with expl*sives.

Huh.

- Yikes.
- Yeah.

- Anything comes up.
- Yeah...

You should keep that. I don't need that.

Maybe they didn't k*ll Gabriel,

but watch your back, Charlie.

Those two women are extremely dangerous.

- (SODA CAN POPS)
- That was intense.

I felt like I was in
"Wolf of Wall Street"

all of a sudden and not the fun parts.

Are you a rat, Charlie?

Eh?

They grilled us for an hour.

And you know we hate pigs.

And rats.

(ALL LAUGH)

Hey, hey, hey.

I hate pigs and rats, too.

And snakes.

Half the Chinese zodiac
is no good in my book.

Hey, guys, it's me, okay. It's Charlie.

I didn't know the guy was a
fed until we started talking.

He just sprung it on me.

I'm no stoolie.

If I had known who Ben was,

I would have steered clear.

Wait, why didn't you just tell me,

you know, that, that Ben was Gabriel?

How do you think we feel?

Knocks on our door
the other night, says,

hey, I'm alive, and I betrayed you both.

Geez. How'd that go?

We told him we forgave him.

Hah. Good.

Forgiveness. All right.

Oh, uh, I did want to
ask you guys about this,

this crazy thing, it's probably nothing.

So apparently, you guys were going to,

I don't know, blow up some kind of

United Nations for babies or something.

Charlie, what you have to understand

about these elite prep school kids,

they were the offspring

of the reigning fascists of the day.

JOYCE: And we wanted to send a message

to the next generation of w*r criminals.

I see.

Just to be crystal clear here,

so, uh... we're talking about...

bl*wing up high school kids?

Like, with b*mb?

It was a different time.

♪ ♪

Uh-huh.

All right.

I got to say, I really feel like

we glossed over some details here.

You know who you're beginning

to sound a lot like?

- Betty.
- Betty.

Right.

I got to say, you know,

you're starting to sound
a lot less like Hoffman

and a lot more like Manson, so...

Oh shit.

Wait, uh,

did you guys...

Did you k*ll Ben?

You wearing a wire, Charlie?

Hmm?

Hey, Agent f*ck. Go suck an egg.

All right, man, stop talking to my tits.

You know what? I...

f*ck! I just... I really
thought you guys were, like,

these two super-cool women.

You know, all this talk about

standing up for what you believe in

and holding the assholes accountable...

Oh wow.

You're the assholes.

Got it.

You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Yeah.

FLETCHER : Is that a Skarsgard?

FLETCHER : You think
everyone is a Skarsgard.

Well, everyone is a Skarsgard.

Hey, hey, you guys watch a
lot of m*rder shows, right?

FLETCHERS: Shh!

I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

Uh, I was just wondering, um,

do you know of any
easily accessible poisons

that would trigger an
undetectable heart att*ck?

Potassium chloride.

Standard go-to, third
season "Lillyflay Manor."

Calcium chloride.

Epinephrine.

Sodium nitrate.

Common gardening ingredient.

Of course, it's hard to top

ricin.

ALL FLETCHERS: Ooh, ricin.

Eh, what about the, the gardening one?

Oh sure.

Couple of cc's of sodium nitrate

and you're deader than dirt.

And the best thing is

it's a naturally occurring
compound in the body.

Trying to find that in an autopsy,

(SCOFFS) forget about it.

Right on. Gardening.

Okay. Okay. As you were.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Sodium nitrate.

Oh.

Yeah, I guess so.

If that's what she, uh,

uses for her ganja situation.

Man, what's she been doing with it?

I gave her a week's worth on Monday,

then another week's worth on Wednesday.

You tell her don't sh**t that stuff.

It'll mess you up.

(PHONE RINGING)

- CHARLIE: Fake nephew.
- Charlie. Hey.

So, listen, if I, uh,

if I had some information

about Ben's death, is that something,

like, could you keep my name
out of the whole business?

Yes, that's what I... my job
is literally witness protection.

It turns out that Joyce had access

to some sodium nitrate the
day before Ben was k*lled.

MAN: (OVER PHONE) Oh.
Your last guy got whacked?

What is that? Am I, uh...

Sorry, am I on speakerphone?

Yes. No, that's Gino the Bull.

It probably wasn't even m*rder.

Probably? Marone...

this ain't inspiring

a lot of confidence, you know.

LUCA: Charlie, how could
they have k*lled him

with sodium nitrate?

Time of death was : .

They were at the zoo with you.

(TAPPING)

: .

Two-two-three. Whoa!

Whoa, dude, dude, that's
the time of the monkey.

What of the what?

Oh, th-th-th-the monkey at the zoo.

The show, you know, it tells time.

Melanie. Melanie. She's amazing.

And when I saw this show,

the time the monkey told was : .

That's a weird coincidence, huh?

Uh, I mean,

do you think that maybe she's, uh...

you think she's some
kind of a monkey pre-cog?

Pre-cog. Like "Minority
Report" with monkeys?

No, I do not.

I would watch that movie, though.

CHARLIE: Wait, wait, wait. No.

So, Joyce and Irene,
they skipped the show.

f*ck, yes, they could have...

Ah shit, no, it's not
enough time for the drive,

but maybe they faked the time of death.

LUCA: Charlie, remember
what I said about those two?

- Be careful with those two...
- Yeah. Hey, Billy!

Let me call you back, okay.

Billy. Hey, how you been?

I was wondering, could
I get a quick peek

at the data from Ben's
robo-arm-bracelet?

No, absolutely not. That'd
be a HIPAA violation.

Oh yeah, and I'm hip-a
to what you're saying.

But, uh, maybe just this once.

Okay.

- I shouldn't be doing this, but okay.
- Thank you.

Look, you can see the whole story.

He had a cardiac spike at : ,

and then the vitals just stopped.

And after that, we tried to defib him,

but he was already gone.

Let me ask you something,
is it possible to, uh,

I don't know, fake this?

Like, could you go in and change it?

- No, no, it's hard data.
- Huh.

What's this, this blip at : ?

- BILLY: Maybe he was startled.
- CHARLIE: No, but look.

I mean, the heartbeat, it changes.

I mean, it's a different
speed, strength.

It's almost like he
switched hearts or something.

That is weird.

CHARLIE: :

That's right around when we were leaving

for the zoo.

Ah...

She bullshitted about sh1tting.

All right, Luca, are you ready
for some grade-A figuring?

So she climbed up the plant ladder,

swapped out the heartcuff,
k*lled him at : .

Then she climbed back
down, went to the zoo,

and faked the cardiac spike
during the monkey show.

- Bing-bang-boom.
- Bing-bada-boom.

- It's nuts.
- CHARLIE: But plausible.

Plausible's not grounds
for an arrest warrant.

I need something hard and firm

if I'm going to ride this one.

Now you're speaking my language.

LUCA: Also, Charlie,
for this theory to work,

either Joyce or Irene would have needed

to simulate a heart att*ck.

I looked at that spike.

That isn't doing jumping jacks.

That's a real cardiac event.

I don't know how you fake that.

I gotta get back to you.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Heya, Pete, uh, let
me ask you a question.

Do you know anything
about sexual zapping?

You speak of electro-play.

Kinky stuff. Not for the faint of heart.

All you need is a
taser and an open mind.

Ugh.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Hello?
- CHARLIE: Uh, Betty.

Uh, it's your old friend Charlie.

Oh. What do you want?

Oh, listen, I think you
might have been right

about, uh, Joyce and Irene.

BETTY: I told you.

- Felons and junkies.
- CHARLIE: Yeah, yeah, I know.

Listen, I, I need to know
what you saw at the zoo.

You mentioned something
about a sexual zapping.

BETTY: Well, yes.

I was buying a hat like a normal person

when I saw Joyce and Irene
looking extra suspicious.

They were in the hothouse
pleasuring each other

with some kind of electro-dildo.

(TASER CLICKING)

And the worst of it is
I missed the monkey show,

which was the whole
reason that I organized

the trip in the first place.

Betty, that's it. That's
it. I think we got 'em.

I'm glad somebody is finally listening.

Like I told Irene this morning,

"The zoo is no place

"to practice your twisted
masochistic fetishes,

and the FBI will hear about it."

Wait, Betty, you told Irene all this.

Uh, just an hour ago.

(RATTLING)

Oh.

Hold on just a minute, Charlie.

My Instapot is making
funny noises. Hold on.

Pressure cooker. No, no, Betty.

Betty, you got to get out of there.

Betty! Betty!

- (HISSING)
- Evacuate!

(expl*si*n)

(ALARM BEEPING)

(JOYCE AND IRENE LAUGHING)

JOYCE: You're so silly.

- IRENE: Oh God.
- JOYCE: Oh, my God.

Ooh, I think we may be pushing our luck.

You up for a change of scenery?

Look, you think they got, uh, senior

living in Bolivia?

Mmm.

Charlie.

(CRACKS KNUCKLES)

(LIGHTER CLICKS)

How can we help you?

Betty told me everything,

uh, about how she saw you two

tasing each other in the hothouse.

That's how you tricked
the nurses into thinking

that Ben was having a heart att*ck

uh, when he'd really
been d*ad for hours.

Pretty clever. But
you missed one detail.

What might that be?

Ben's heart monitor
recording went totally flat

after your tasing stunt

at : .

The time of the monkey.

But the nurses tried to revive
him with a defibrillator.

If he'd really been wearing
his heartcuff monitor,

it would have registered those shocks.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

- Ain't that some shit.
- Mm-hmm.

(BOTH LAUGH)

And all this for a f*ck

who sent us to prison for years?

You deserved it then

and you deserve it now.

Wax up your shuffleboard pucks, ladies.

As soon as I tell my new FBI buddy

about all this, well...

Yeah, man, you're going
right back to Bedford.

So you haven't told him all of this yet?

(bl*ws)

(CHARLIE GRUNTING)

- (JOYCE SCREAMING)
- CHARLIE: The f*ck?

- Ah!
- JOYCE: b*tch!

(GRUNTING)

(CLATTERING)

JOYCE: f*ck!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

IRENE: f*cking b*tch.

(CHARLIE GRUNTING)

(IRENE WAILING)

f*cking millennial.

I'm a cusper, you f*cking psycho.

And I draw the line at
fighting little old ladies.

That's how we did it in Bedford, b*tch.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

What the f*ck!

I'll f*cking k*ll you, you f*ck.

(CHARLIE GAGGING)

- (SPRAY HISSES)
- Ah!

You talc'd me, you f*cking whore.

(GRUNTS)

- (GLASS SHATTERS)
- (CHARLIE GRUNTS)

- Get the f*cking poison!
- JOYCE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Keep her held down.

Ah.

Ah. Ah.

(IRENE GRUNTS)

Come on, move.

Right there. Yeah.

- Oh! f*ck.
- (TASER CLICKING)

- IRENE: Oh no!
- JOYCE: Don't you try it.

Don't you f*cking try it.

IRENE: Put it down. Put it down.

Down!

- (CLICKING)
- (CHARLIE GROANS)

Oh! Oh!

Uh, I think we broke her.

Let's get this shit done.

JOYCE: Oh!

- (HEARTCUFF BEEPING)
- Oh shit. Yeah.

- CHARLIE: Oh, thank God.
- IRENE: Oh, shit.

JOYCE: Oh, f*ck.

Stop right there. Stop.

What a f*ck' cop.

All right.

♪ Here you come again ♪

♪ And you say that you're my friend ♪

♪ But I know why you're here ♪

♪ She wants to know how I feel ♪

♪ Tell her that I'm happy ♪

Well, Charlie Cale, you
have great instincts.

You ever think about joining the FBI?

Well, I'm not really
about helping the man.

Although, uh, did you
guys ever get my email

about, uh, Kazimir Caine?

"You guys" meaning who?

FBI at FBI dot gov.

I don't even know if that's a thing,

but the offer stands.

You ever get in a jam,
you have my number.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Toodles.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

Oh God.

(expl*si*n)

(CAR ALARMS BEEPING)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

(NGOZI FAMILY'S "HOLD ON" PLAYING)

(SIREN WAILING)

♪ Hold on, Ngozi Family ♪

♪ We are a Zambian band
with a heavy sound ♪

♪ Hold on, Ngozi Family ♪

♪ We are a Zambian band
with a heavy sound ♪

♪ Listen, baby ♪

♪ I've been in the country ♪

♪ Since I was born a long time ago ♪

♪ I had lots of letters ♪

♪ Requesting where we could go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Now every time ♪

♪ We tour in the country ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hold on, Ngozi Family ♪

♪ We are a Zambian band
with a heavy sound ♪

♪ Hold on, Ngozi Family ♪

♪ We are a Zambian band
with a heavy sound ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ♪
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ♪
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