02x13 - Ghost Hunter

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so, what did you
want to talk to us about?

Sam, Jay,

in the time that I've been working here,

I've noticed some disturbing things.

It started with these strange,

almost ethereal humming sounds
I would hear every now and then.

- [GASPS]
- I think he's talking about you, Alberta.

It was like a singer warming
up but kind of off-key.

The hell it was!

Well, it's an old house,

so you might have just
been hearing the wind.

That's what I thought.

But then there's this one time

my pen was sitting on the counter,

and it almost seemed
like something pushed it

into the trash can.

Sass dared me. What was I, not gonna?

Sometimes things fall.

But this is the weirdest thing by far.

This is security footage
from the front desk

from the other night.

See that? No one is there,

but the keys are moving.

- Huh.
- Now, you guys are gonna think I'm crazy,

but there's only one plausible
explanation for all this.

You guys have...

♪ ♪

Did you hear me?

I said I think you guys have ghosts.

That's a little far-fetched.

Yeah, I mean, you don't
really believe in ghosts?

Oh, they're gonna try to
make him think he's crazy.

It's really the only play here.

I mean, there's no other
explanation for this.

The keys are moving.

- Are they?
- What?

There's not even a question.

I-I don't see anything.
I mean, do you, Jay?

I'm squinting really hard, and nope.

Uh, Sam, we have a problem.

- Freddie sold Sass's girlfriend.
- What?

I-I mean he got a new car and sold

the RAV she was bound to.

Uh, Freddie, did you get a new car?

Yeah, actually. How did you know?

A ghost told me.

[SAMANTHA AND JAY LAUGH]

Just kidding, obviously.

I-I saw you pull up in it.

It's pretty nice. Look at it.

It's got all-wheel drive.

You know what it doesn't
have? My girlfriend!

- Also doesn't have leather seats. Why not splurge?
- Sam,

you got to buy Freddie's car
back. Please do it for me.

Jay, Sass wants us to
buy Freddie's car back.

What? We have the Mini.

And I know it's not haunted,

but it's got a year
left on the warranty.

Plus, Freddie's old car sucks.

Jay, we don't even have to use it.

We can just park it on the lawn,

and Sass gets to hang out with Jessica.

You want us to buy a lawn car? [LAUGHS]

To just sit on the lawn?
Who are we, Tony Stark?

Who's Tony Stark?

I'm so glad you asked that question.

Come here. Okay, it all started off

in a cave in Afghanistan.

Or Vietnam...

Thor want to see where this going.

[SIGHS]

SAMANTHA: Oh.

Freddie, what do you have there?

So, for my own peace of mind,

I did some research
and ordered a few items

that should take care
of the ghost problem.

Problem? How dare you?

I'm not sure that's such a good idea.

I know you're skeptical,
but better safe than sorry.

First off, a classic
ghost repellent, sage.

Ooh, we love that stuff.

Oh, I call first hit.

And this detects electromagnetic energy,

which is what ghosts are made up of.

I'm not rooting for him, but
the science is darn interesting.

It'll tell us if there
are any ghosts nearby.

- [AMPLIFIED STATIC]
- [GASPS]

- [GROANS]
- [DEVICE CHIMES]

We're all clear.

[LAUGHTER]

This stuff is all fakakta.

And finally, the coup de grâce,

the Ghost Trap .

I ordered it on the Internet

from a Latvian company that specializes

in ghost-hunting equipment.

THORFINN: Latvians known for technology.

Take regular club and
add metal spikes to it.

Very smart.

Oh, my God, there is a sticker
that says "Two and under."

It is a toy for babies.

Latvians.

What a strange toy for a toddler.

I mean, what's wrong with
a simple stuffed raven

or a good old-fashioned lead rattle?

Am I right? Parents these days.

Hmm. What's going on?

Jay tracked down the guy
who bought Freddie's car.

Thing is, uh,

I need this car for my band.

You know, we're just
starting to take off.

You ever hear of Pungent Stench?

- No.
- Well, uh, we opened for 'em.

Uh, look, Marco,

I think $, is more
than a fair price. Right?

I mean, I know you
only paid $, for it.

And I know you seem pretty desperate,

so I'm gonna hold firm.

- Jay, how's it going?
- SASAPPIS: My relationship's on the line

and Jay's pinching pennies.

JAY: It's going great.

I got him right where I want him.

No, you don't.

Please, Sam, you have to step in.

What Sass and I have is magical.

You're talking to Champa
Arondekar's baby boy, bro,

and if you think I'm
paying full price for that,

you are sorely mistaken.

Jay, just pay him. We need the car.

Ha-ha, she's kidding.

We're walking. Good day, sir.

- What do you want for it?
- $.

That's fair. Sold.

Yes! You can stay.

Champa can never know about this.

FLOWER: Why is there
a cookie on top of it?

I think that was Freddie's
attempt to bait the trap.

But ghosts can't even
eat. Freddie so dumb.

[LAUGHTER]

It does look rather scrumptious, though.

I wouldn't mind taking a little whiff.

Mm-hmm, yes, a whiff would be divine,

but one would need to get very close

to properly smell the cookie,

and in doing so one might
accidently touch the device.

- So what? It's not dangerous.
- Indeed.

As we've already established,
it's most certainly

- a children's toy.
- All right.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

But, on the off chance it
is a functioning ghost trap,

it wouldn't be safe with all of us

crowded around, jostling and shoving,

trying to get our sniffs in.

Well, maybe one of us should just
touch it and make sure it's okay.

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but great minds think alike.

One of us should touch the trap.

And as the commanding officer,

that responsibility should fall to me...

to pick the person.

- Pete, do it.
- PETE: What?!

Why me?

Why don't we draw straws?

Because that would require

the handling and cutting of straws,

which is beyond our abilities.

Look, Jay left his nerd
dice out on the table.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

I knock a dice off,
whosever number comes up,

that's who touches the trap. Capisce?

- All right.
- FLOWER: Yeah.

THORFINN: Not a bad idea. Yeah, yeah.

- Okay. Capi... capisce.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

[STRAINING]

- So what are we thinking, two out of three, or... ?
- Pete,

I say this with love, but
we're wasting valuable,

valuable sniffing
time. Now get in there.

Okay.

Uh...

Yeah, I can't do it. I'm sorry.

Oh, big surprise,
coward man being coward.

Well, if you're so brave,
why don't you touch it?

[GASPS]

You challenging Thor's manhood?

From over here I am, yeah.

Fine, I'll touch it.

Thor not afraid.

See? Nothing to wor...

[ALL SCREAMING]

Thor! Thor!

What is this?

Hey, babe, did we get a new toaster?

Ooh.

[ALARMED SHOUTING]

Thor's in there!

- Thor's in there! Hey!
- Now we know.

I just wanted to let you
know how much I enjoyed

my stay this weekend.

To tell you the truth,
I wasn't even sure

I wanted to travel anymore
after my Walter passed.

Samantha, a word, please.

Thank you for sharing that.

That's what I love
about running a B and B.

Connecting with the
guests. Being there for you.

Thor got sucked into the ghost trap.

- Tomorrow would have been our th...
- I got to go.

Okay, so what happened?

Well, there was an Oreo on top
of this weird toaster thingy,

and I ate it, which made me
realize I was still peckish,

so I made a sandy.

Thor touched the device
and is now trapped inside.

Why was he touching it?

Wait, what happened?

That is a ghost trap,

and apparently Thor touched it,

and now he's trapped inside.

A ghost trap? And you knew about this?

Well, none of us actually
thought it worked.

Why didn't you consult me?

You got a weird sci-fi
thing in the kitchen,

and you didn't think to ask
the guy wearing the Atari shirt?

You were dealing with the car,

and the ghosts are sort of my thing.

Oh, 'cause you can see and hear them.

Yeah, yeah, way to rub
that in my face again.

THORFINN: Uh, hello?

Perhaps there's more
urgent matters to discuss!

Yeah, the big guy's got a point.

Or is it the little guy?
What do we call him now?

Hey-hey, Thor, it's Pete.

Uh, sorry about this
whole turn of events.

I can't help but feel, I don't know,

a little bit responsible.

- Now, before you say that's crazy...
- Not crazy.

This is very much your fault, Pete.

Okay, cool. So we're on the same page.

So how do we get Thor out of the trap?

Why don't we just ask Freddie?
He's the one who ordered it.

But we made such a big deal
about not believing in ghosts.

Just go speak with him.
Yes, you'll look foolish,

but that's nothing new. Bite the b*llet.

Oh, you know that
expression came from my era.

We had to literally bite
b*ll*ts during surgery

- because we lacked anesthesia.
- And how did that work out?

Mm, sort of depended on
how good your barber was.

Oh, don't worry, Thor.

We are gonna go talk to Freddie.

Everything's gonna be okay.

What's going on? What happened to Thor?

Oh, my dear, he's being held
c*ptive inside that machine.

You were standing right
here when it happened.

Wow. This machine?

- Flower, no!
- [ALARMED SHOUTING]

Wait, why'd it turn
red? Did Thor get out?

Not exactly.

JESSICA [CHUCKLES]:
Whoa, so we really did it.

Yep, we sure did.

[SIGHS] That was exciting,
our entire relationship

riding on the outcome
of a car negotiation.

[LAUGHS] And then Jay asked him
to throw in that Pungent Stench CD.

Man, could have gone either way.

Oh, yeah, man.

[BOTH LAUGH]

So, what do we do now?

I guess we just sort of hang.

Okay. Yeah.

So, what do you guys like
to do around here for fun?

Well, I usually watch
TV with the other ghosts.

- It's sort of a nightly thing.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, but I guess you can't do that.

Yeah, I can't really go inside.

Right. Right.

But, um, I mean, that's okay, you know.

I'm a car ghost, and
I got two new drivers

to take me on all their adventures.

The thing is, Sam and Jay
don't really drive that much.

You know, they work from the house.

Right, but they go on errands, right?

Hmm, not that many. You
know, plus they got the Mini.

Okay. So I'm just gonna be, like,

sitting here in this car
in the driveway forever?

No, no, I can ask Sam to take you

for a spin every now and then.

Like I'm a dog she's taking on a walk.

[CHUCKLES] No, I'm-I'm not
saying it's gonna be like

a twice-a-day thing
that a dog would get.

So it's less good than a dog?

My situation.

[STAMMERS]

Oh, wow, would you look at the
leaves blowing around over there?

Isn't that fun?

We don't usually get wind
from the north, so, uh...

Hey, uh, Freddie, say you
caught a ghost in the trap.

How would one go about releasing it?

Ha. So now you think there's
a ghost caught in the trap.

Freddie, we don't really
have time for this.

Just get on board.

Well, the ghost indicator
light did come on, so...

Oh, but I thought you said
you didn't believe in ghosts.

Two follow-up questions?

The foreman at the factory
would have given him

a swift cr*ck on the jaw.

But what if I was wrong?

Wouldn't it be sad if a ghost was

trapped in that little box?

I mean, what if it was a
friendly ghost, like Casper?

Or Obi-Wan in Empire.

Well, Obi-Wan wasn't
really a ghost per se.

Excuse me. He was an
apparition representing

- a recently deceased Jedi.
- Right,

but I would argue that
was more a manifestation

of his Force powers.

Huh. Okay, that's interesting.

You know, I really
think it all just depends

on Lucas's intentionality...

I'm so sorry. Can we get back

to the whole ghost in the trap thing?

Sort of a crazy tangent with our
friends' existence on the line.

- I was riveted.
- [GROANS]

Thor, Flower, Freddie's on the phone

with the company in Latvia.

He's gonna find a way
to get you out of there.

Are we sure we want
to give them that hope?

[QUIETLY]: I mean, it's very possible

they're just stuck in there forever now.

THORFINN: Just giving heads up.

Can still hear,

even when you lower voice!

FLOWER: Oh, my God, you guys!

Thor's stuck in a ghost trap!

Wait for it.

Oh, my God. I'm in here with him.

It should've been me. It
was my number that came up.

Oh, Peter, don't b*at yourself up.

There'll be plenty of time to
ruminate on your cowardice later.

Okay, I spoke to the
customer service rep.

There's a button on the side,

and all we have to do is
hold it for three seconds.

[CHUCKLES] Okay, perfect. Let's do that.

Whoa, you don't want
to ask me? Atari shirt.

Sorry, Jay. What do you think?

I think we should do it.
I just wanted to be asked.

Okay. One, two, three.

[CLICK, BEEP]

Light turn red.

Why do light turn red?

Oh, that's not good.
Freddie, what does that say?

- Uh, I don't know Latvian.
- It's counting down to something!

- What is it counting down to?
- Let me check.

Oh, this is interesting.
"Evisceration... "

ALL: What?!

"Countdown to evisceration."

Oh, that is not good.

Unless you're right and ghosts
don't exist. Then we're fine.

JAY: Freddie, just fix this.

All right, I'll give them a call back.

FLOWER: Oh, my God, you guys.

Thor's stuck in a ghost trap!

Very bad news. Freddie's still on hold

and says it's a -minute
wait to talk to someone.

B-But we only have four minutes
left on the evisceration clock!

I led with "This is very bad news."

- He did say that.
- He just said that.

- As he was walking in.
- That's very fair.

Well, it seems like
we're gonna die. Again.

If Thor must go, happy to at least spend

final moments with Flower.

Aw, that's nice.

I like when you say stuff like that.

More so than when you talk about

dismembering Danish people.

Thor have many sides.

Thor very well-rounded.

[CHUCKLES]

What if you just smash
the device, Samantha?

Perhaps that'll set them free.

Isaac's saying maybe
we could smash the trap.

But it could hurt them.
And even if it didn't,

what if when they get out
they're permanently small?

Oh.THORFINN: Thor not want
to be permanently small!

Base much of identity on being large.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What if "Two and under" isn't about age?

Maybe it's the number of ghosts

the trap was designed to hold.

Maybe it's only able to hold a
certain amount of ghost energy.

Not that I endorse his lifestyle, but

- this is where having a nerd can be useful.
- Look at this gauge.

It went up when Thorfinn got trapped.

It's gone higher since
Flower went in there.

A third ghost could push
it into the red zone.

What happens if it
goes into the red zone?

Well, hopefully it overloads the system

and causes the device to fail,

which should free all the ghosts.

ISAAC: Unless he's wrong,

and then we've eviscerated three ghosts.

Unless you're wrong, and
now we've lost three ghosts.

Look, I know I can't see
the ghosts or hear them,

but I care about them, and
I would never do anything

to risk harm to them if I
didn't think with all of my heart

that this could work.

You know what, I think you're right.

Okay, you all heard the
man in the Atari shirt.

I think we got to give this a sh*t.

And now one more of us is gonna die

so that Jay feels heard.

So, Jay's saying that if one more ghost

jumps in the box, we might be saved.

But who will be our third?

[SIGHS] Why does it
always come down to this?

Hey, Sam, do you think
you can take Jessica out

for a little drive? She's wanting

to go to the mall, whatever that means.

- We're a little busy right now, Sass.
- Mm-hmm.

Thor and flower are
caught in the ghost trap.

And then Samantha activated
an evisceration clock,

and now Jay wants another one of us

to go in there and save them

or, just as likely, die along with them.

- What?!
- Fellow ghosts,

the time has come for
one of us to step up.

And as your commanding officer,

I believe it is only right
that that responsibility

falls to, this time, let's say Trevor.

What? Why me?

- I'll do it.
- ALBERTA: Pete, are you sure about this?

I always played it safe in life,

always worried that
something bad would happen.

And you know what, something
bad happened anyway.

And now my friends'
afterlives hang in the balance,

and it's my fault that they're in there.

So, am I scared? You betcha.

But am I going in? You're darn tootin'.

And I know, when I look
back on all of this...

The clock is sort of ticking here, Pete.

Ten seconds to evisceration.

So, I know we didn't finish yet,

but, Sam, who won Game of Thrones?

- I don't remember.
- Cool.

[ALL GASP]

[ALARM SOUNDING]

Oh, hey, just so you guys know,

I'm here now, too.

Oh, no, that's not what I meant.

No, no, no, no.

- Hey, is it working?
- I think so.

Something is happening.

- [ALARMED CRIES]
- Of course, it might just be

the evisceration process
coming to a climax.

[CRIES OUT]

[ALL CHEERING]

- My Godness!
- What happened?

- They're back.
- [SIGHS]

Pete saved the day. So did you.

Good news. Turns out we just need to

turn it off and then turn it back on.

Huh.

SASAPPIS: And then
Pete jumped in the trap,

and I thought he might
die, which would mean

I would get my own room,

but now how I'd want that to happen.

And then everyone was saved,

and it was just a crazy day.

Yeah, it sounds amazing.

Yeah. I wish you could have been there.

Yeah, me, too.

- Maybe we did...
- Look, Sass, I...

Er, no. You-you go first.

Okay.

Maybe we didn't think this through.

I mean, I'm crazy about you.

I'm crazy about you.

But you're never gonna be
a part of all the fun stuff

that happens in the house.

Yeah, and it's not really fair for me

to force you to hang out with me

here in the driveway all the time.

You know, if I'm being
completely honest,

I miss the road.

So what do we do?

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Thorfinn wants Pete to know that today

you earned my respect.

From this day forward,

you are no longer known as Puny Pete.

You're now Puny Brave Pete.

Thank you, Thor.

And you inspired me, Pete.

You faced your fears, and it showed me

that I should face mine, too.

You're gonna watch a TV
show with clowns in it?

God, no.

I'm gonna go on a date with Thor.

Just Thor.

Really? A one-on-one date?

- You truly mean this?
- I do.

If things get weird,
though, can we at least go

hang out in a room that
Jay is in or something?

Sure. Of course. Yes.

Samantha? Freddie's quitting again.

We just heard him call his mommy.

Hey, guys, I have something
I need to tell you.

- You're quitting?
- How'd you know?

Lucky guess.

Are you sure about this, buddy?

I know it's been a rough
couple weeks, but...

Rough? You guys fired me once,
drove me to quit another time,

then you bought my old
car, which was weird.

Not to mention you caused
my girlfriend to dump me.

Yeah, it does sound bad when you list it

all at once like that.

And on top of all that,

I don't want to work in a
house that I think has ghosts.

- [GASPS] Rude.
- Freddie,

I know what we've had our growing pains

working together, but I really think

the worst of it is behind us.

If you stay,

we promise it'll be different.

Oh, hell no. [HUMMING]

- [HUMMING ECHOING]
- I'm out of here.

What the hell, Alberta?

He almost k*lled three of us.

That's fair.

Yo, wait, wait, hold
on. I don't understand.

So, now you want to sell the car back?

Well, I believe New York State has

a cooldown period
that this falls within.

Bro, I'm not CarMax, okay?
I'm a guy named Marco.

Look, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you half of
what you paid for it.

What's going on here?

Sass and Jessica decided that
they moved in together too quickly,

so Jay now has to sell the car back

from a position of weakness.

Fine.

But I'm keeping the Pungent Stench CD.

So, life with Marco will be nice.

He said his band's going on tour?

Yeah, so I'm, you know, gonna
get to see a lot of the country.

And he really likes KFC,

so I've got some good
smells coming my way.Nice.

I'm gonna miss you, Jessica.

I'm gonna miss you, too, Sasappis.

- You're really special.
- [STEREO BLASTING HEAVY METAL]

What?!

- I said you're really special!
- What?!

You're really special!

- You smell good, too!
- What?!

[MUSIC FADES]

ISAAC: Oh, that's a
tough turn of events.

Indeed.

We're here for you, Sass.

Thanks, guys.

Okay, well, we were here for you,

and now we're gonna go watch some Tv.

But feel free to come find us,

and we'll be there for you there.