01x05 - .. started a nuclear w*r

[bunniefuu]

[McEnroe] Even though her family
had a nice time at Ganesh Puja,

Nalini had not forgiven Devi
for drinking at a no-parents party

and being bitten by a coyote.

So Devi was grounded
and forced to become a house servant.

Currently, she was on ironing duty.

Man, this is boring.

I’m a tennis commentator,
not a golf commentator.

You know what? We’re gonna jump ship
and check in with Fabiola,

who has much more
interesting things going on.

Fabiola had told no one she was gay,
except her robot, Gears Brosnan.

She knew the next logical step
was to come out to some humans,

specifically her family.

So, I bet you're all wondering
why I've called this family meeting.

I certainly am.

Hey, can we make this quick?
My frat has a rush event in 15.

Yes. I just need a minute
of your guys' time.

[inhales deeply]

What I'm about to tell you
is pretty personal.

I hope that you won't look at me
any differently.

I'm still the same Fabiola.

Did that Alex Gomez boy get you pregnant?

-It's always the short ones.
-[Fabiola] What?

[stammers] No, ew. He didn't.
Not even close.

What I want to say is that I am...

I am...

[McEnroe] Come on, Fabiola.
You can do this. Just one more word.

I am...

switching from AP French
to AP Latin this year.

Okay.

Um...

I'm a little shocked.

[inhales] And I gotta say,
you sort of blindsided me here.

If I'm being really honest,
this isn't the life I imagined for you.

We have that trip planned
to Marseilles next summer--

Honey.

We are so glad

that you felt comfortable enough
to tell us this.

[McEnroe] You'll get 'em next time,
Fabiola.

You'll carpe diem another diem.

I can't take it.
I'm like a straight-up indentured servant.

My mom won't let me leave the house,
except for school events.

And tonight, she wants me to clear
the black widows out of our chimney.

Ugh, well, I hope you're done
with your grounding soon,

and then we can party
like at spring break!

[gasps] Oh, which reminds me,

my mom just sent this to me.

Her ship just arrived in Cancún.

[McEnroe] Eleanor had caught the drama bug
from her mother,

an aspiring actress, who abandoned Eleanor
when she was seven.

What kind of mother would I be

if I didn't teach you
to follow your dreams?

That's why I'm leaving you
to follow my dreams.

[McEnroe] Currently, she stars
in Thoroughly Modern Millie

on a Weight Watchers cruise.

Wow. That card's dark.

Your mom's cool.

I know. I wish she were here
to help me with my audition

for The Glass Menagerie this week.
She's such a pro.

I mean, she's tried out
for almost every role on TV.

[sighs] That--

Fab, what's wrong?

You usually house a bag of Doritos
in, like, 20 seconds.

No, I was just... saying grace.

Amen.

Now it is time for flavor city.

Nom, nom, nom.

Hey, Coyote Girl. Over here.

[McEnroe] While Devi may have become
persona non grata at home,

at school, she was grata as hell.

[club music playing]

Oh, my God.

Paxton just publicly acknowledged you.

Do they want me to go over there?
You guys should come with me.

-No.
-No.

We will only weigh you down.

This is a journey
you're meant to take alone.

[McEnroe] Devi still had not told
her friends the truth about Paxton.

But to be fair, he had said
she looked good at Ganesh Puja.

So it seemed like hooking up
might still be a possibility.

-[Trent] Lil' D!
-That's me.

All right, wait. Lil' D
or Coyote Girl? What are we going with?

-[all laugh]
-[Trent] Yo.

[phone chimes]

[Nalini] Just a reminder, you need
to come home straight after school.

Once you're done with the chimney,

I volunteered you to go next door
to help old Mrs. Finch cut her toenails.

[Ben] What do you mean Eric's sick?

He's supposed to be
g*dd*mn Equatorial Guinea.

It's not a big deal, Ben.

We've showed up to Model UN conferences
a man down before.

I mean, a man or woman down before.

A they/them down before.

Never when I was on the Security Council.

I need every loser I can get
to make me look smarter by comparison.

What's the point of spending the night
in Davis

if I'm not winning
the Best Delegate gavel?

[McEnroe] To an average teen,

a Model UN trip to UC Davis
might seem like a real drag.

But to a teen under house arrest,

it sounded like a one-way ticket
to freedom USA.

[Devi] I love Mrs. Finch,
but can someone else go work on her feet?

Because there's an overnight school event
that would be great for my college resume.

Did you see Devi's text?

I guess she's going on the Model UN trip.

[laughs] Wow. She must be desperate
to get out of her house.

Those kids are real losers.

Oh, did I tell you?
I now do all my homework with a quill pen.

Eleanor, right?

[stammers] Uh... I think so.

I think your mom was our server
at Casa Mexico last night.

She was cool. Gave us extra chips.

What? That's impossible.

No, for real.

No. My mother's an actress on a cruise

that's currently docked
in the vibrant city of Cancún.

All right. Well, my mom knew her
and talked to her and stuff,

but maybe she was confused. Whatever.

You don't know
what the hell you're talking about.

[stammers] You can't just start a rumor
about someone's mom like that.

Clearly, you think
all Asian women look alike.

You're a r*cist, Paxton Hall-Yoshida!

I'm part Japanese.

Whoa. You are?

What do you think Yoshida is, bro?

Oh.

Clearly, this is touchy
for some reason that I don't care about.

Honestly, I didn't really think I'd have
to talk to you guys for this long.

Let's go.

I'm sorry I didn't realize
you were Asian, bro.

I'll try to be more observant
in the future.

[Paxton] You've met my dad like 40 times,
Trent.

[Trent] I thought that was your neighbor.

MUN fam, we're gonna crush
this diplomacy so hard,

they'll be calling all of us
Mr. Worldwide,

and not just my dad's client, Pitbull.

-Because who are we?
-Sherman Oaks High!

-And what do we do?
-Model UN!

And-- What are you doing here?

Model UN!

Ben, I know you were worried about us
not having a full team,

but God, whoever she is,
is smiling on us today.

What the hell?

This is a clear violation of our pact.

[McEnroe] Years ago, Ben and Devi split
all extracurriculars down the middle,

except for sports,

which required too much locker room nudity
for either of them.

You're joking. That was in sixth grade.

This is my turf.
You don't see me showing up to orchestra

with a freaking bassoon.

As if you have the deftness
to play a double-reed woodwind.

Relax. It's just for two days.

Unless I turn out to be a natural.

Then I'm stealing this,
and you can have Chinese Club.

[in Chinese] Over my dead body.

Bad morning, enemy.

Just an unfriendly reminder
that you're not necessarily good at UN

just because you are a UN.

So keep quiet, don't raise your placard,

and support all my resolutions.

No way.
I'm winning that Best Delegate hammer.

It's a gavel.

Whatever. It's mine.

So prepare for Equatorial Guinea
to do what Equatorial Guinea does best:

have one of the worst
human rights records in the world. Damn.

Take your seats.

I officially call this session
of the Security Council to order.

[hits gavel]

Our first topic today is climate change.

United States, you have the floor.

Distinguished delegates
and honorable chair,

the US is appalled. Nay, it's sickened
at the state of our world.

We could twiddle our thumbs
while Atlanta becomes the new Atlantis...

or we could pass a resolution right now.

I’m calling for sponsors
in support of my proposal

to build seawalls to protect coastal areas
from rising sea levels.

Equatorial Guinea.

Equatorial Guinea feels
that the United States' resolution

is a poorly considered half measure
at best.

Building taller and taller seawalls
isn't doing anything

except lining the pockets
of seawall corporations.

-Those aren't things.
-I'm just saying.

We need to address
the real root of the problem.

Carbon emissions.

Maybe the five permanent members
of the Security Council

should reach an agreement
before we listen to countries

that are lucky to even be included.

[hits gavel] United States,
you do not have the floor.

Equatorial Guinea, if you're done,
you may yield back to the US.

I yield to the chair.

[chokes]

Oh, sh*t.

[McEnroe] I know yielding to the chair
doesn’t sound exciting

to cool jocks like you or me,

but that was the Model UN equivalent
of me throwing my racket at an umpire.

Uh... Russia.

I'd actually like to hear more
of Equatorial Guinea's plan.

I think she's onto something,
and I'd like to make her my friend.

I mean, ally.

[upbeat music playing]

You're buffering, Eleanor.

Are you thinking about what Paxton said?

What if it was my mom?

What if she's just 20 minutes away
serving enchiladas?

She's not.
She's on a cruise ship off the Yucatán.

Is she?

[sighs] Okay.

You want to go to Casa Mexico
and see if it's her?

Sí, por favor.

Let's go.

[Mr. Shapiro] All right, everybody.

So before we go back into the hotel,

I just want to remind you,

I expect you to all act in a way
that is respectful to your school...

and to your bodies.

Ergo, no partying, no room service,

and no disrupting me
between 7:30 and 7:45.

I have a Skype call with my partner,
Debra.

[chuckles] We just became exclusive.

[Devi] Wow.

Pretty crazy I came in
and crushed it at Model UN with zero prep.

Wow. You really think you're hot sh*t,
don't you?

Now that you're having sex with Paxton?

[mouths] What the sh*t?

-No-- what?
-[McEnroe] Devi was panicking.

How did Ben find out about her lie?

Simple. Her friends told him.

Would a dork be sleeping
with Paxton Hall-Yoshida?

-Yeah, right.
-[Eleanor] It's true.

Devi V and Paxton H-Y are plundering
each others' bods on the reg.

But just to be clear,

being Paxton's secret sidepiece

doesn't make me think
you're any less of a loser.

[scoffs]

OMG. Devi's railing Paxton H-Y!

Oh, my God. She's here.

Why are you looking at me?

You're allowed to take the apples
from the fitness center.

I overheard you and Ben talking
on the bus.

The idea that a girl in Model UN

can get with a guy
like Paxton Hall-Yoshida,

you're an inspiration to us.

[McEnroe] Devi felt surprisingly honored,

but wondered if she should correct
these girls about her and Paxton.

We talked, and you should have
a bed all to yourself.

Sleeping next to our bodies is a let down

compared to the marble statue
you're used to being with.

[McEnroe]
Maybe correcting these girls could wait.

It's not like they're gonna talk
to the Hot Pocket,

and she'd already given them hope.

It'd be cruel to take that away.

[knocking on door]

-Oh, my God. Her life is like a movie.
-Oh, my God. [exhales]

[boy] Meet me in the ice room.
Da svidania, Russia.

[squeals]

Psst. [whistles]

[scoffs]

I'm sorry. We were waiting for her?

[chuckles] Forget it. I'm out.

[scoffs] Not before I'm out.

Wait, please, comrades.
You haven't even heard my proposal.

I'd like to lead a joint initiative...

to get turnt.

I want to get drunk with you guys.

[stammers] I don't think so, Russia.

Even when we're not on campus,
we're still representatives of our school.

Yeah. The way he said it was lame,
but I'm out too.

Come on, guys. I need this.

My mom is such a bitch.
I never get to do anything.

Everyone at my school hates me.

But you, everyone loves you.

You're cool.

You're having sex
with Paxton Hall-Yoshida!

How do you know who Paxton is?

Every teen in SoCal knows
who Paxton is, brah.

He's got three fan Tumblrs.

One of them is entirely in Korean.

Wow. That's crazy.

He's just regular old Paxton to me.

It's hard to see him
through the eyes of a fan,

because we're so close.

Okay, Russia. How exactly are we
supposed to get alcohol?

There's a realtors' convention
here tonight,

and the vino should be flowing freely.

If we swiped a couple of bottles,
no one would even notice.

I don't know. I'm already,
technically, grounded for drinking.

If I get caught again, I'm in deep sh*t.

But isn't this kind of normal for you?

Being grounded, sneaking alcohol,
hooking up?

I mean you're popular, right?

Yes. Yes, I am.

-I'm in.
-Yes!

Then I'm doing it too.

I want to make sure someone grabs
the good alcohol.

How do you know what's good?

My dad let me have a sip
of Cristal at New Year's.

Mm.

Oh, my God.

She is here.

Eleanor.

I can't believe my own mother
is so two-faced!

Oh, my God. You're not my mom.
I'm so sorry.

That was kinda r*cist of me.

See? It isn't her.

-She is on a cruise.
-I know.

I can't believe I trusted
Paxton's beautiful lying mouth over her.

[singing "Happy Birthday" in Spanish]

Mom?

Eleanor.

You're here?

And this is your job?

What's happening?

I can explain.

Hi, Ms. Wong.

Bye, Ms. Wong.

[McEnroe] Devi and Ben
only had 15 minutes.

They'd have to be
as fast as a Björn Borg serve

and as precise as McEnroe return
to pull off this heist.

[Mr. Shapiro] Hi, Debra. I'm on,
and I'm gonna loop in our therapist.

Can I help you?

Hi. We'd like two martinis, please.

You guys look really young.
Can I see some ID?

[scoffs] I don't have my wallet.

I mean, I guess I could go all the way up
to my room on the fifth floor,

-find my key--
-Just be cool, man.

This is a one.

[whispers] And there's one more
where that came from.

Sorry, guys. No can do.

Fine.
You just lost yourself a dollar, bro.

They made me do it. They bullied me.

This is why your whole school hates you!

Let's go.

In here.

[footsteps approaching and receding]

Okay. I think we're safe.

-Let's just wait it out in here.
-[glass bottles clinks]

[scoffs]

[Devi laughs]

Jackpot. [chuckles]

[chuckle]

You okay?

Want to watch relaxing YouTube
on how to make tea?

No.

This is one of the few situations
where chamomile can't soothe my nerves.

[inhales]

When did she get here,
and why didn't she tell me?

I'm sure she has an explanation.

Maybe she's a spy
or in a really good cult.

No, she would've bragged
about those things.

You're so lucky.
You have a perfect family.

We are not perfect.

Yeah, you are.

It's not like you have a huge lie
threatening to tear everyone apart.

Actually, I do.

Oh, my God.

Do they not know you switched to AP Latin?

They don't know...

[sighs]

...that I'm gay.

What?

[sighs] I'm gay.

I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner.
I, honestly, just realized--

Don't you dare apologize to me.

Really?

I love this for you.

And I love this for me.
Finally, a gay friend.

It really fits my brand
as a theater wench.

[chuckles]

Wow.

That felt so great to say.

I feel like I just solved an escape room
I've been trapped in my entire life.

So, like, what's your type though?

Kristen Stewart in Twilight
or Kristen Stewart in Charlie's Angels?

Um... I don't know. Honestly,

I think my type is kinda that girl, Eve,
in our history class.

Oh, so Charlie's Angels.

-Wow.
-[chuckles]

How appropriate
that Eve could be your first woman.

I can't even think about that
until I talk to my parents.

Yeah. I guess we both have
tough conversations to look forward to.

I just wish Devi were here right now.

[gasps] Oh, man. She's gonna freak.

In a supportive way.

-Let's call her.
-Yeah.

[phone ringing]

[girl] Delegates,

I motion we toast the United States
and Equatorial Guinea.

Do I have any other signatories?

Whoo!

Ugh.

This is what wine tastes like?

So...

it turns out we're a pretty good team
for two people who hate each other.

I don't hate you.

I just think you're pretentious
and unlikable.

How am I unlikable?
My dad drives a Porsche Cayenne.

Right there. That was unlikable.

All right, but you have somewhat
of a difficult personality as well.

Who, me?

I'm a g*dd*mn delight.

I should punch you in the Adam's apple
for saying that.

[sarcastically] Oh, I stand corrected.
You're America's sweetheart.

Thank you.

Hey, I kinda like Model UN.
Do you want to trade me for Chinese Club?

No way. Back off, poacher.

But you're so good at Mandarin.

Well, honestly, I only became good
at Mandarin to spite you, so...

[in Chinese] Thank you.

You're welcome.

[chuckles]

Hey, I can't believe
I'm saying this, but...

What if we worked together tomorrow?

This will be k*ller on our transcripts.

[scoffs] Are you suggesting an alliance
between us?

That's like North and South Korea
becoming friends.

Exactly.

Imagine how powerful they'd be.

You'd have surface-to-air missiles,
and also, BTS.

I feel you. World domination.

Have you told Paxton about Model UN?

I'm sure he's really interested
in international diplomacy.

Hey, you know what country's cool?

Chad.

[scoffs] Okay. Paxton's not dumb.

He's just consistently bad at school.

[chuckles]

[door opens] Come on!

This is exactly
what I told you guys not to do.

Go to your rooms right now!

And text your parents what an educational
and safe time you're having.

[McEnroe] Devi went to bed
happy that night.

She was a hero to all the nerds,

and alcohol seems to make Ben Gross nice.

This Model UN trip just might be
the best decision she's made all year.

[phone buzzes]

[Paxton] Devi, WTF?

Why are you lying to everyone
about us having sex?

[girl] Good morning!

Breakfast in bed?

[chuckles]

-You guys didn't have to do that.
-Yes, we did.

Last night, I drank Sauvignon Blanc,
and a boy touched my shoulder.

I mean, thanks to you,
I'm basically Sex and the City.

My pleasure.

You guys are well on your way
to becoming cool.

Just like me.

-[giggles]
-[phone buzzes]

-Oh, my God.
-[girl] What is it?

-Is it from... him?
-[giggles] Ooh...

Yes, it is,
and I should give him a call back.

Could you guys give me
some privacy, please?

For phone sex?

Please leave. You're dismissed.

-[giggling] Okay.
-[giggling] Oh, my God.

[voicemail] This is Paxton.
I don't check my voicemail.

[voicemail] This is Paxton.
I don't check my voicemail.

[McEnroe] Apparently, what happens
in Davis does not stay in Davis.

Particularly, juicy rumors about sex

with the hottest teen
in Los Angeles County.

Devi was distraught,
but she had no one to blame but herself.

Well, maybe she could think
of one other person.

If Ben hadn't opened
his big fat stupid mouth,

her harmless piece of fiction would have
never spread to the entire school.

It was his fault Paxton was mad at her.

He was the villain here.

If we don't act now,
the oceans will rise so much

that we'll be doing beach vacations
on the top of Mount Everest.

So the United States motions for a vote
to table our amended resolution.

Do I hear a second from my ally,
Equatorial Guinea?

Hmm.

Equatorial Guinea does not support
the American resolution.

In fact, we think that the resolution
is a piece of sh*t.

-[crowd gasps]
-[gavel banging]

Decorum. Equatorial Guinea,
please use respectful language.

Instead, I would like to put forth
an alternative plan.

The US contributes
far more carbon emissions

than any other nation.

Thus, Equatorial Guinea would like
to formally request permission

to nuke the United States.

[gavel banging] Decorum.
That's not what we do in Security Council.

And even if it were,

Equatorial Guinea doesn't have
nuclear capabilities.

Russia, you're a narc,
but if you give me your nukes,

I'll let you have my e-mail address.

But you already gave it to me.

My real e-mail address.

Hot dog.

The Russian Federation formally surrenders
all nukes to Equatorial Guinea.

What now, Mr. Chairman? I'm all nuked up.

Point of order.
That's not even how Model UN works.

You're being insane, Devi.

We can't seriously be talking
about nuclear w*r.

Guess what, Belgium?

You just got nuked.

And anyone else who supports
the United States

can consider themselves nuked too.

The US has shown they can't be trusted
with sensitive information,

and if left to their own devices,

will ruin all our lives.

Who's with me?

Viva World w*r III!

[cheering]

[chanting] World w*r III! World w*r III!
World w*r III! World w*r III!

[chairman] Decorum!

Hello. I'm Eleanor Wong
reading for Laura Wingfield.

Uh-huh, ready when you are.

Why did you do that, Mother?

[whispers] Why did you do that, Mother?

[audience member coughs]

Why are you...

How old are you, Laura?

Mother...

you know my age.

I thought you were an adult.

It seems I was mistaken.

Please, don't stare at me, Mother.

[inhales deeply]

When you’re disappointed,

you get that awful, suffering look
on your face...

like the picture of Jesus’s mother
in the museum.

Wow. Eleanor, I was prepared
to make you do props,

but that was... a revelation.

I don't think the part of Laura
is big enough for you.

I think you have to be our Amanda.

But Amanda is the lead.

Yes, she is, Eleanor. Yes, she is.

Thank you.

[giggles]

[siren blares]

[sirens continue]

[door slams]

[phone chimes]

[Fabiola] Where are you?
Why aren't you calling us back?

We need to talk to you.

[sighs]

[Devi] Hey.

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry
for everything that happened.

I never intentionally told people
that we were hooking up.

Oh, really?

Then why did I get a million texts
from people

asking me if I was having sex
with Devi Vishwakumar?

My friends just assumed it,
and I never corrected them,

and it just got out of hand.

And why didn't you correct them?

Because you wanted them
to think we were having sex.

-No, Paxton. You don't understand--
-No, you know what?

I thought we were friends,
but you were just using me.

[scoffs] You're being dramatic.
It's just a silly rumor.

-[locker slams shut]
-That you started.

It's messed up, Devi.

[sighs]

Devi! We've been trying
to get in touch with you.

Some crazy things happened,
and we both have something to tell you.

-Now is not a good time!
-But it's really important.

Trust me, whatever you guys have going on,
my sh*t's bigger, okay?

I have the bigger sh*t!

["Moon Like Sour Candy"
by The Ophelias playing]

♪ Moon like sour candy... ♪

[knocking on door]

♪ In your mouth... ♪

Kanna, did you have a good trip?

Sure.

Well, I think you've learned your lesson,

and I've actually run out of things
for you to do.

So... your grounding is over.

If you'd like to go
to Eleanor's or Fabiola's house

to do something fun, like practice PSATs,

you have my permission.

No, thanks.
I don't feel like going anywhere.

Okay.

♪ Wearing corduroy
For four days straight ♪

♪ Reach out to your mother, I am crying ♪

♪ Crying ♪

♪ You can only like me when you're drunk ♪

♪ The sky is open, my stomach sunk ♪

♪ Tongue like bubbles floating
Down my rotten skin ♪

♪ Don't worry about it, I am trying ♪