01x07 - ...been a big, fat liar

[bunniefuu]

[school bell rings]

[McEnroe] The day after the hottest guy
in school calls you out

for lying about having sex with him,

you're gonna wanna keep a low profile,

which according to Devi

meant dressing like
a celebrity leaving LAX.

Since the whole school now knew
what a psycho liar she was,

Devi felt like her only move
was to be completely invisible,

perhaps until graduation.

[rock music playing]

[scoffs]

[school bell rings]

[McEnroe] Her plan worked pretty well
for a few days.

That is until she assumed
Eric Perkins could remain upright

for the length of a hallway.

-[grunts]
-[students chattering]

Dammit. My Raisinets.

That's where I get
all my frigging vitamins.

[chortling]

Coyote Girl.

I know your secret.

[school bell rings]

You have a hot cousin.

I saw her drop you off yesterday.

You think she'd be into me?

Um, she's kind of in
an arranged marriage sitch.

Just ask her anyway.

[McEnroe] For the first time,

Devi was relieved to hear someone
praise Kamala's appearance

because it meant Trent did not know
her real secret.

In fact, no one seemed to know.

Holy sh*t!
Paxton didn't tell anyone she lied!

Why? Was he protecting her?

Did he care about her? Was he in love?

[low murmuring]

Nope, he'd just forgotten about her.

[Zoe] Yes.

-Yeah, definitely.
-You have to wear it 24/7.

-Okay.
-[speaks indistinctly]

Yes.

Hey, ladies. What's a-poppin'?

Seat's taken.

Don't hate me. I got cheese fries
and chili fries for the table.

Jonah? Since when are you guys friends?

Since a couple of days ago
when we became inseparable.

[McEnroe] After coming out to Eleanor,

Fabiola was still struggling
with how to tell her family.

Luckily for her, Jonah was struggling
with the same thing.

Jonah's been a really good friend to us,

and definitely hasn't yelled at us
for no reason.

I didn't yell at you guys.

[McEnroe] Yeah, she did.

Trust me. Whatever you guys have going on,
my sh*t's bigger, okay?

I have the bigger sh*t!

Okay. I guess it's fair
to call that a yell.

I'm sorry. I've been going through a lot.

We know. We saw Paxton and Zoe
sharing a big cookie at lunch.

It's pretty obvious you two are over.

[McEnroe] Because they were already
mad at her,

Devi chose not to tell them
she'd lied about Paxton deflowering her.

The truth was she was more flowered
than a Rose Parade float.

It's true. I was dumped.

So shouldn't you guys
cut me a little slack?

I don't think we can.

Your instability makes this friendship
feel unsafe for all of us.

Jonah, this is an A, B, C conversation,
so can you get your D out of here?

[Fabiola] Hey, don't be rude to Jonah.

While you were all wrapped up
in your Paxton stuff,

we've had some serious drama go down.

Yeah, and Jonah's been our safe harbor
in this chaotic life storm.

Okay. Maybe I've been distracted,

but I'm here for you guys.

Let me be your harbor master.

What's up?

You don't have to tell her
if you're not ready.

It's just I had sort of
an important realization recently, and--

Oh! You finally figured out
you're a Gryffindor like me?

No. I'm obviously Ravenclaw, like Eleanor.

[McEnroe] They're all Hufflepuff.

So, what is it?

I'm...

-gay.
-What?

You're... gay?

Yeah.

This is huge.

I'm so happy for you!

Oh, my God.
So much of you makes sense now.

Like, when you said your ideal man
was James Corden in Cats.

Congratulations.

Oh! That's why Jonah's
been such a big help.

Because he's a socially progressive
young man.

No. You're correct.

I'm a baby Buttigieg.

I hate that I missed out on this moment.

Let me make it up to you.

No, it's okay.

I'm just glad Jonah was there.

No. I'm gonna make it up to you.

[McEnroe] Devi realized
for the first time

that if she didn't step up
her friend game,

she could lose Fabiola and Eleanor.
Then she would have no one.

So, she decided to host a classic-g*ng,
girls-only, Jonah-free sleepover.

All right, gals. How we doing?

-Everyone having fun at my slumber party?
-Absolutely.

I can't believe you rented Chicago
and let me sing the whole way through it.

I really enjoyed programming
your family's universal remote.

Of course. Tonight is about you guys.

So, what do you say we crank this party up

and practice some
alcohol-based party games?

Is it real?

No. It's kombucha
mixed with apple cider vinegar.

It's great training for looking cute
while drinking something gross.

Isn't this great, guys?

The OG crew hanging out.

Just the original Fab Three.

[phone dings]

Oh, my God. Fab, you have to see this.

Jonah is on stage at Rocky Horror.

He looks amazing in fishnets.

Hey, I know Jonah pays attention
to you guys and smells really good,

but other than that,
I don't get why he's so great.

He's really wise.

He told me a bob haircut
would allow me to play a child

or an adult professional woman.

And he has really great insight
on that thing with your mom.

What thing with your mom?

We saw her. She's been living here,
working at a Mexican restaurant in Encino.

The postcards were nothing but a charade.

What? Oh, my God. What did you say to her?

Nothing. I ran away.

She called and texted,
but Jonah said that I should ignore her

because she's a liar
who committed postal fraud.

Yeah. He thinks we need
to keep toxic people out of our lives.

When he said that,
he was talking about you,

but I think it applies here too.

Well, some might say
Jonah is a little toxic...

specifically towards
life-long female friendships.

That's not the point.

I think you should talk to you mom
and find out why she's here.

Yeah, I miss her.

But she's gonna have to do more
than send weak apology texts

if she wants to get me to talk to her.

[McEnroe] And just like that,

Devi knew how she could prove
that she was a true friend of Eleanor's.

This table looks like trouble.

Are we doing margaritas,

or do you guys have to take
a driver's test later?

[laughing]

Let me give you guys a sec to decide,

and I'll be right back.

-Devi?
-Hi, Ms. Wong.

Wow. I almost didn't recognize you.

You really grew into your eyebrows.

Thank you.

Did Eleanor send you here?

No, I came on my own.

I thought maybe I could help.

You know, I felt so terrible.

I wanted to explain everything to her,
but then she ran out the door.

Yeah, she's pretty upset.

But I know she loves you,

and she wants you in her life.

I just think you might need
to do a little bit more

than calling and texting.

Like what?

You're an actress.

Why not give her the old razzle-dazzle?

Rent out a black box theater

and perform a one-woman show
dedicated to her.

No. I meant more like talk to her...

in person.

Oh.

Great note. I can do that.

You know, Eleanor is lucky
to have a friend like you.

Thank you.

[McEnroe] Devi was feeling
pretty proud of herself.

She had been a really good friend
to go behind Eleanor's back

and insert herself
into their family drama.

-Cheeto, Eleanor?
-Thank you, Devi.

[McEnroe] Not the last time
she's gonna be saying that.

And now it was time to come to the rescue
of her other best friend.

You okay, Fab?

I'm just really scared
to tell my family I'm gay.

Why? Aren't they liberal?
I know you mom drives a hybrid.

Yeah, but she's already disappointed
I'm not girlier.

I found a vision board she made
for my life.

It includes a Tuscan wedding
to Michael B. Jordan.

Okay, but, like,
who wouldn't want to get married

to Michael B. Jordan in Tuscany?

Me. I don't want to.

Right. Right, right, right.

You're gay. I get it.

I just think maybe you need
to give her a chance to prove you wrong.

I know, but right now,
she's organizing the PTA bake sale,

and she's already stressed out.

Fab, tell her whenever you're ready.

But I have a good feeling about your mom.

And my instincts for parent stuff
are usually pretty dead on.

Hello! Hi, girls.

Hello, Eleanor.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Devi said that I should come
and speak to you in person.

So you thought you would just show up
in the middle of the day at my school?

Yeah. I thought it could be like
a fun study break.

Look. I brought tacos.

[scoffs]

Eleanor, wait!

What did you do?

Eleanor, come on.
Please stop running away from me,

even though it's a very cinematic way
to emote.

How long have you been in LA?

I've been here for two months.

Two months? Why didn't you call me?

Honey, I can explain.

I didn't call you
because I didn't want to see you.

I'm about to run again.

What I meant to say was
that I didn't want you to see me,

because I'm a failure.

I was fired from the cruise.

I was dumped in Jamaica
with nothing but my suitcase

and another woman whose husband
had fallen off the ship.

Oh, Mom.

When I got back here,

I just wanted to book something else
before I tried to see you again.

I didn't want you to see me
as an out-of-work actor mom.

I wanted you to see me
as a forensic scientist on Bosch.

I don't care what your job is.

I just want you in my life.

Dad and Sharon try,
but they don't really get me.

Sharon took me to see Spamalot.

Sweetie, no.

I've just really missed you.

I've missed you too,

but I'm here now.

And if you'll let me,
I want to be the mom that you deserve.

I'd like that too.

[sentimental music playing]

Starting right now.

Why don't we bake cookies for the PTA?

And I'm not talking about
director Paul Thomas Anderson.

His publicist doesn't accept baked goods.
I've tried.

Wow. I don't think
we've ever baked together.

I know. It'll be so special.

Oh, sh**t. Where are we gonna do it?

I'm living with four 19-year-olds,

and I'm using the oven
as my closet right now.

You can make them at my house.

[Ms. Wong] Devi, thank you again
for letting us borrow your kitchen,

and for letting me use
your washing machine.

The one in my building
smells like an old person's mouth.

I'm just happy
to see you and Eleanor together again.

Did you hear?
She got a part in the school play.

Oh, my God. Really?

It's not a big deal.

Yes, it is! I'm so proud of you.

Another thespian in the family.

You know,
we're practically the Barrymores.

Ooh! Or the Fannings.

Yeah. I guess you'll have to stick around
and help Eleanor through rehearsals.

Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere.

I thought about giving Broadway
another try,

but it's not what it used to be.

Okay, so catch me up.

What's the goss? Who are we dating?

Are we coupled up? Are we singies?

I have a boyfriend. His name is Oliver,
and he's on the tech crew.

Good girl.

Smart to date a techie
and not a fellow actor.

Less of an ego battle that way.

I know! He really lets me shine...

by aiming a spotlight on me.

So you know who's a cutie?

That boy that came
to the restaurant last week.

He had a sexy name.

Sexton, Six-Pack...

Paxton! Devi knows all about him.

[whispers] They used to be lovers.

[gasps]

Yup. Paxton and me, totally happened.

No, I love it.

Good for you, Devi.

You know, I've been known
to punch above my weight too.

Nathan Lane.

So, Fabiola, what about you?

There must be some pretty girl
you have your eye on at school.

-Eleanor, you told her?
-No, I swear.

No, she didn't say anything.

I have excellent gaydar.

I dated Nathan Lane for three years.

Okay, yeah. It's true,
but could you not tell anyone?

I've only come out to these guys
and my robot.

I haven't told my family yet.

Of course, sweetie.

You guys are my girls.

Whatever happens in this gab sesh...
stays in the gab sesh.

Mmm!

Almond butter fudge?
Are you trying to k*ll someone?

No tree nuts.

Get this out of my bake sale.

I'm on it.

Hello, everybody.

Cupcakes are here.

Elise!

Mwah!

Store-bought?

Everyone else's mom went hella homemade.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was too busy saving
my patients' lives from melanoma.

You think Mrs. Fields could do that?

[gasps] Mom, you made it!

[McEnroe] Looking on
at this gorgeous maternal scene,

Devi couldn't help but feel proud.

Unfortunately, not everyone was
as happy to see Joyce.

Hello, ladies.

Hello, Joyce.

We didn't know you were back in town.

[McEnroe] You see, ten years ago,

Joyce had offered to take the girls
to a carnival,

but she left them with the face painter

when she got a last-minute audition
for NCIS.

She thought she could land the role
and be back

by the time the painter was done.

She was wrong on both accounts.

So, Joyce, to what do we owe
your sudden return?

Well, as you know,

I've been traveling for years
doing musical theater,

but it finally occurred to me
that I have to be in LA,

because LA has the one thing
no other town has:

Hollywood.

I'm an actor.
I have to be where the jobs are.

And also, of course,
where your daughter is.

Of course. Well, that goes without saying.

I've missed Eleanor terribly...

and your girls too.

I was so excited that I got to hang out
with them yesterday.

You hung out with them yesterday?

Yeah. We had a fun gal hang.

We baked cookies, we gossiped.

I got to know
all about their high-school love lives.

Love lives? No, no, no.

They're too young for love,
and frankly, to have a life.

I know. They've grown up so fast.

I can't believe they have boyfriends
and girlfriends already.

[Elise] Excuse me?

Who has a girlfriend?

Nope. Nobody has a girlfriend.

So who has a boyfriend?

[Joyce] Eh, eh, eh.

I promised I wouldn't say anything
that I was told at the gab sesh.

Does Devi have a boyfriend?

Which is interesting
because Devi is forbidden from dating

until she's old enough to rent a car.

Who is it?

Is it Frank with the receding hairline?
I knew it.

The crossing guard? No.

Then tell me. Who is it?

Nalini, calm down.
She's not with Paxton anymore.

Paxton? Mr. Cheekbones from the hospital?
The one I caught in your bed?

You found him in her bed?

So you did know they were having sex?
I'm confused.

-No.
-What?

What? That Devi is having what?

No, I didn't. I didn't have sex.

I was lying.

Paxton was never my boyfriend,
and we never did anything.

Yeah, yeah, she never did anything.

She's as pure as the driven snow.

No, really. I never kissed him or anyone.

I lied to everyone, okay?

I'm a big virgin fraud.

Well, that was an emotional ride.

Where shall I set up my cookies?

Devi, we're leaving.

[dramatic music playing]

I do not completely understand
what happened today,

so I'm just gonna blame Joyce for it.

But just to be clear,

you are not to have any sexual contact
with boys,

even in the lies you tell.

I promise you don't have anything
to worry about.

I better not.

[McEnroe] The day was an epic fail.

Thanks to Devi,

Eleanor's crazy mom almost blabbed
that Fabiola was gay,

and her friends knew she was a liar.

The first "F" she'd ever gotten
was on this test of friendship.

Wow, Mom. You almost sold everything.

Not too shabby for an event
that kind of got off to a rocky start.

Yeah. I just feel bad for Eleanor.

He mother is such a flake. [laughs]

We should feel really lucky
that we're just a normal family.

What do you mean by normal?

Well, just that we're like...
mmm, regular.

We're not causing scenes everywhere.
We aren't embarrassing.

I don't know. Some things about me
may be embarrassing to you.

No, I'm not embarrassed by your robots
or by your weird clothes.

Okay. Does seem like
you had those locked and loaded.

No, no, no,
I love those things about you.

I love everything about you.

You promise?

Of course.

Where's this coming from?

I'm gay.

Oh, God. You're not saying anything.

You're disappointed.

-I knew you would be--
-Fabiola...

Now you're making that face you make

when the waiter says they're out
of the entree you ordered.

No. Fabiola, calm down.

[stammers] I am not disappointed.

You just hit me with something really big,
and I'm trying to process.

Please, sit.

Uh...

I don't know what to say.

Have you been trying to tell me this
for a while?

Kinda, but I didn't know how.

Oh.

That must've been really hard.

Oh, honey, I love you,

and there is nothing
that you could ever tell me

that would change that.

I just want you to be happy.

Really?

You're okay with that?

Come here.

Wait. Is that why you called
that weird family meeting about AP Latin?

-Yeah.
-So you can switch back to French?

Oh, thank God!

Our Marseilles trip is still on.

[knock at door]

Hey, is the bake sale over?

Yes, I'm sorry, it is.

Cool. I heard you could get the things
that didn't sell for free.

Who said that, Eric?

I don't know. Can I have them?

Fine.

[school bell ringing]

[Devi] Hey, guys.

So what was that yesterday?

You didn't make love
to Paxton Hall-Yoshida?

You lied to us?

Technically, I didn't lie.

You assumed I had sex with Paxton,
and I didn't correct you.

That's lying.

Yes, Jonah. I see that now.

Why didn't you tell us the truth?

Well, to be fair, it did seem like
it was gonna happen eventually.

So I guess I was just really telling you
a future truth.

Hey, you're being
really sketchy right now.

I know I am.

Ugh. I'm sorry.

I get it if you want to replace me
with Jonah.

What?

I've been a really shitty friend,

so I understand
if you prefer Jonah's company over mine.

Devi, we don't want to replace you
with Jonah.

Yeah. Also, Fab and I are allowed
to have more than one other friend.

And I honestly can't commit full time
to this group

because I have
a very demanding social life.

But because of me,
Ms. Wong almost outed you to your mom.

I ended up coming out to her anyway.

And it actually went okay.

Really? That's awesome.

You guys, I'm really sorry.
I don't know what I was thinking.

I guess the lie sounded better
than my real life.

They always do.

That's why on my acting resume I say
I know how to ride a motorcycle.

Makes me sound more mysterious.

But what happens if you get a part
where you have to ride a motorcycle?

Listen, I just want you both to know
that I've really learned my lesson

and I promise to be a better friend
from now on.

So no more weird lies about your sex life.

Yeah, definitely.

No more of those.

[sentimental music playing]

I thought we all agreed
we are gonna be off-book today,

but if you need your scripts,
you need your scripts.

I can't learn your lines for you.

Mr. Schleicher, allow me
to introduce professional working actress

and Equity member, Joyce Wong,

also known as my mother.

Nice to meet you.

Pleasure is all mine.

Would it be okay if she sat
in our rehearsal today?

She's the reason I started acting
in the first place.

Of course. I love an unannounced parent...

especially one with acting credentials.

You must be so proud of your daughter,
our youngest lead actor ever.

The lead?

-Oh, my goodness! How wonderful!
-[Mr. Schleicher] Yeah.

Okay. Why don't we get started?

Everyone get up on stage. Let's pick up
where we left off in scene seven.

[Mr. Schleicher] Okay, Tom,
take it from your line.

[Tom] I'm going to the movies.

[in Southern accent]
That's right. Go to the movies. Go.

Don't think about us:

a mother deserted,

an unmarried sister who's crippled
and has no job.

Don't let anything interfere
with your selfish pleasure.

[Mr. Schleicher] Amazing, Eleanor.
Better than Katharine Hepburn.

[phone chimes]

[McEnroe] What the hell was this?

Paxton was texting her...
to go to his house?

[Fabiola] Devi, help. We got a situation.

Eleanor's mom is gone. She left this note.

"My Darling Eleanor..."

[Joyce] I wanted more than anything

to be able to stay here with you
in California.

But I know that to live my life
without regrets,

I need to give Broadway one more sh*t.

Please forgive me.

Love, Mom.

Oh, my God.

Eleanor's freaking out. She quit the play.

-What?
-She said she's giving up acting forever.

And now she's in the drama room
having a meltdown.

We have to help her.

I'm gonna grab her lavender oils,
and I'll meet you in the drama room.

Maybe you can play Laura Linney reading
an audiobook for her.

-That usually calms her down.
-Uh...

[McEnroe] This was her chance
to make good on her promise

to be a better friend.

[phone chimes]

Damn. That's a hard one to ignore.

["Armed And Dangerous"
by Chaos Chaos playing]

♪ When things would go wrong ♪

♪ I used to imagine ♪

♪ The end I'd find ♪

♪ The beast within ♪

♪ I did not know ♪

♪ Why I'd do this ♪

♪ I did not
It was armor I had ♪

♪ As I'm a tough one ♪

-♪ I should have fought them ♪
-♪ I will defeat ♪

-♪ I should have fought them ♪
-♪ Your heart won ♪

♪ My heart is armed and dangerous ♪

-♪ My heart is armed and dangerous ♪
-♪ Armed and dangerous ♪

♪ Remove your armor ♪

♪ We're gonna move, take over ♪

♪ Remove your armor ♪