01x09 - ...had to be on my best behavior

[bunniefuu]

I hate you!

What is going on? What happened?

Aravind? We weren't expecting you
till tomorrow morning.

Devi, why are you screaming at your uncle?

Uh, cause he scared the crap out of me.

What are you doing here,
Aravind Periyappa?

Currently, I'm looking for mustard.

He's also here to be the male chaperone
for Prashant's visit.

Hey, let me help you. You come. Sit, sit.

You must be so tired after driving
all the way from San Jose.

I'm sorry if I frightened you,

but you left the spare key under the mat.

And as the owner of the number two
home security company in San Jose area,

I must say your house
is very easy to break into.

I know, Aravind. You try and sell me
a security system every visit.

What if Prashant came here tomorrow,

and found everyone chopped up
into little pieces by a m*rder*r?

That would leave him
with a very bad impression of our family.

Hey, why did you have to use a spare key?
Why didn't someone let you in?

Kamala was asleep. I could hear
her beautiful snoring from upstairs,

and Devi just got home.

Where were you?

And what are you wearing?

Uh...

Sweats. I went for a run.

- At night?
- At night?

You cannot run in Los Angeles at night.

This is the city of Charles Manson
and Harvey Weinstein!

I think it's okay.

The worst criminal in our neighborhood

is the lady who watered her lawn
during the drought.

I reported her,
and she's been punished accordingly.

All right. It's very late.

I want to be fresh to meet
Kamala's future husband tomorrow,

so let's all get some sleep.

I don't know if I can fall asleep
in a house

where a burglar can walk in at any time
and m*rder me,

but I will do my best.

Good night, Periyappa.

Devi mistaking her uncle
for her dad

had dug up a memory
she'd buried deep inside.

I hate you!

She was so rattled by it,

she almost forgot
a much more exciting new memory.

She just kissed Paxton
fricking Hall fricking Yoshida!

Paxton. Think about Paxton.

Dammit!

Not everything is about you
and your problems!

Maybe you would benefit
from a different approach.

You've turned into this fake person

who doesn't give a sh*t
about her real friends!

I hate you!

Looks like
it's gonna be a long night.

Devi, come on. Get up.
Prashant's gonna be here in an hour.

Mom.

Can't I have a little more time?
I barely slept last night.

Out of be right now
and put on something nice.

How about that pretty dress I got
at Costco

while buying our annual supply
of toilet paper?

Oh, that dress?

It's currently sitting in the back
of Paxton's Jeep, soaked in pool water.

Yeah. I can't wear that.

I mean, I'll look too good.

We want Prashant to fall in love
with Kamala and not me, right?

You know what?
Wear whatever you want.

But please, just remember,
today is Kamala's day,

so let's not have
any of the usual Devi nonsense.

I don't know what you mean
by "Devi nonsense."

I returned home last night to find you
screaming in your uncle's face.

Fair enough.

I promise to be on my best behavior.

sh*t! Maybe it's Paxton,
or Fabiola trying to apologize.

And I am taking this to my room.
Don't need you distracted today.

What if it's a college
offering early admission?

Devi, for once can you please try
not to make my life any harder?

I hate you!

Kanna, you do not say such things
to your mother.

She can say whatever she wants to me
'cause I'm not the irresponsible girl

who lost her sheet music
right before her concert started!

That doesn't mean I deserve to be grounded
for two weeks.

Oh, yes, it does!

Maybe it will teach you
not to be so thoughtless!

Nalini, please calm down.

I will not come down when this child
insists on being such a headache to me!

Devi had hoped she'd slept
that memory off, but there it was again.

Of all days,
today she needed to be normal.

So she had no choice but to shove
that memory back down

to where it came from.

Yeah. Okay, Mom. I'll be good.

Just let me get dressed.

Okay. I'm sure whatever you wear
will be very nice.

Now, I need to help Kamala get ready.

Just gonna rub a little coconut oil
in her hair so she smells like his mother.

Steve, you have nothing to worry about.

What if this guy
sweeps you off your feet?

I read on Wikipedia

sometimes these Indian guys
come down the aisle on a horse!

It's not my wedding day. It's just lunch.

Why can't you just leave?

- I'm parked around the block.
- You're what?

Please go.
That street is permit parking only!

You'll get a ticket!

- You are worth the $40.
- Please stop calling.

I promise I will call you
after lunch is over.

This is so unfair.
Do you see what Kamala is doing?

I wasn't doing anything.

She gets to be on her phone.
How come you're not yelling at her?

Don't bother your cousin, sweetie.
She doesn't need any extra pressure.

Today's lunch will determine
whether or not she has a happy life.

Great. Thank you
for relieving the pressure, Auntie.

Come on.

Now, as a wife,
it's great to have your own opinions,

but remember, sometimes Prashant will
come home from work

and just want to watch cricket.

Well, I plan to work too.

Of course, kanna. I'm a modern man.

I know that you'll want to work
until you have children.

All sons. Fingers crossed.

Remind me again, Aravind Periyappa,
were you ever married?

Devi, don't pry
into your uncle's personal life.

Oh, Devi, there have been many women

who wanted to settle down
with old Aravind,

but I'm sort of a lone wolf.

Hard to pin down.

The problem with being a security expert
is allowing someone to...

break into your heart.

It's Prashant. I will open the door.

Aravind, behind me to my left.
Kamala, to my right.

Devi, next to her.
Devi, make sure you favor your left side.

Kamala, both your sides are equally good.

Come on.

Deep breath.

Prashant?

Hello.

Whoa, damn. You're hot.

Devi, don't say that to a stranger.

I'm sorry I called you hot.

It's just, like,
we were expecting an uggo.

- Ow.
- No, no, it's okay.

Uh, thank you for not thinking
I'm an uggo.

Hi, I'm Prashant.

Kamala.

Oh, Prashant, please, please come in.

Welcome, welcome.
Take your shoes off. Uh-huh.

- Welcome to out house.
- Wow, it's beautiful.

Mm-hmm.

Wow. What an amazing grandfather clock.

Oh! What, this old thing?
Priceless family heirloom.

Um, Kamala, I brought you a small gift.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh, Swarovski crystals.

He knows his Indian women.

A beaver is kind of
a weird choice, Prashant.

No, it's perfect.

It's the mascot of Caltech.

How thoughtful.

It was my college mascot too, at MIT.

- After all, the beaver is...
- Nature's engineer.

I just googled the price.
Wow, that's valuable.

Now you really need
a home security system.

Why don't I put that somewhere safe?

- I can take it to your room, Kamala.
- Thank you, Devi.

Don't take too long, and don't waste
your time looking for your phone.

It's very well hidden.

Prashant, you must be hungry.

Please come, sit.

Steve? Oh, my God!
You scared the crap out of me.

You almost made me drop
this expensive-ass beaver!

Nature's engineer?

Did he give that to her?

Yeah, but what are you doing here?

I'm rescuing my love
from sexual sl*very.

It looks like you're just reading
an Indian hair magazine.

Shouldn't you like storm down
and get her?

I was going to, but I didn't know
how big Prashant was,

and also, I'm scared of your mom.

Okay. It doesn't seem like
you'll be storming anywhere.

You just stay here, and I'll get Kamala.

I thought I came to America
for the great education,

but I think my favorite part
might be the ice cream.

There are so many flavors here.

Way more than just pistachio.

My favorite part is that traffic
is separated into two directions.

It's adorable.

That took long enough.

Sorry. I was busy trying
to find the perfect spot

for the crystal beaver in Kamala's room.

In fact, I think she should check out
where I put it.

- No, that's okay. I trust you.
- You shouldn't.

You should really see the beaver
for yourself.

You're never gonna believe
where it ended up.

A shelf? A table?

- Now I'm curious. Can I go see?
- No!

Kamala should be alone
with the crystal beaver

and figure out what the future holds
for the two of them.

Okay. I guess I'll go look.

So, Uncle, you're a security system...

What are you up to?

I thought we said no Devi nonsense.

In the south San Jose area.

Nalini, please calm down.

I will not calm down when this child
insists on being such a headache to me!

Oh, my God. Dad!

Devi is not a headache.

The concert starts in 30 minutes.

So let's stop yelling at each other
and look for the sheet music together,

and when we come home later,
I will fix this.

Kanna, please go upstairs and check again.

Upstairs!

Yeah, yeah. Take your time going up!

Okay, keep it together, Devi.

You don't need to go back there.
Stay in the present.

I'm sure whatever your Uncle Aravind
is saying is really interesting.

Focus.

What people don't realize

is that most home burglaries
happen during the daytime.

That's why I recommend clients live
as far north on their blocks as possible

where days are shorter.

- Hello, Kamala.
- Oh, my God. Steve?

Why are you here?

Because you shouldn't be bought and sold
by your family like a prized calf.

That's not what's happening here,
and that also feels a little racial.

I want a chance to make my offer.

Let me start by saying
I don't have a ring.

No, no, no. Get up.

I don't want to marry you.

But you want to marry
that stranger downstairs?

No, I don't want to marry anyone!

Oh, Steve, you're so sweet,

and handsome,
and surprisingly good at mini golf,

and I appreciate you being
my first boyfriend, but...

Oh, no.

Did I just talk you into
breaking up with me?

Sorry, but I think you did.

So, Uncle tells me
you're a dermatologist, Auntie.

She is.
We have a lot of doctors in the family.

Cousin Manju started
her cardiology residency at 18.

Devi, you have some catching up to do.

Well, Cousin Manju is also
a 28-year-old virgin.

So, I'm good.

The day was turning around.
Forget those pesky flashbacks.

Devi had reined in her brain
and was being charming as hell.

So, Devi, what are you into?

Oh, this young lady
is a very talented musician.

Devi, why don't you play something
on your harp?

Devi. Hello?

Don't leave us music lovers waiting.

Devi is, uh, actually taking
a little break from the harp right now.

Kanna, why don't you
just help me clear the table?

I don't know about you,

but now all I can think about
is hearing some harp.

What's wrong with you?
You're acting so strange.

I'm fine.
I think I'm having low blood sugar.

I don't see how. You ate five samosas.

I'm sorry.
I'm just under a lot of stress right now.

How are your legs? Can you feel this?

- Yes, and it hurts! Stop pinching me.
- Okay.

My legs are fine. Everything's fine.

Okay. Good, good.

I just don't want Prashant
to tell his family that we're weird.

Okay, look. You go back in there.
You talk to him.

I'm gonna go see
what's taking Kamala so long.

No, Mom, wait!

No, it's not because you're bad at sex.

Oh, God.

Kamala, what is your boyfriend doing here
when your future husband is here?

- How did you know that I had a boyfriend?
- It's pretty obvious.

All the sneaking around,
all the whispered phone calls.

I also saw him fall off the roof
a couple of mornings ago.

I'm so sorry, Kamala. I tried to stop her,

but she sh*t up here
like a frigging panther.

I have let you down, Auntie.

You welcomed me into your home,
and I've been lying to you.

Devi felt bad for her cousin.

She knew the storm that was
about to be unleashed on her.

This was gonna be a bloodbath.

It's okay. I understand.

Huh? You understand?

You have literally never said that
to me before.

Devi, please.

All I'm saying is

I know there are some real hunks
on the Caltech campus.

I've watched Big Bang Theory.

So you're not mad?

Of course not.

What the hell is going on here?

Look, no one is forcing you
to do anything.

All a family can do is just point you
in the right direction.

- What if I'm the right direction?
- You're not.

Okay, we need to get him out of here
before Prashant or Aravind see him.

Uh, he can go back out the window.

No, no, he can't. It's too risky.

Aravind might just hear him
clomping around on the roof.

Then he'll have to go out the front door,

but we'll need a distraction.

Devi?

Yeah, I can do that.

Get up.

Prashant, I noticed that you carry
your cell phone in your front pocket.

Is that because you do not wish
to have any children?

Hi. Would either of you care
to have your chai in the living room?

Oh, God, yes.

Uh, no, thank you. I prefer to lift my tea
from dining table level.

But wouldn't rather sit
in a more comfortable seat?

No.

Okay.

Um...

What if I played my harp for you?

Really? How wonderful!

Sorry. It's been a minute.

I just need to tune this thing.

It's fine. Take your time.

Are you okay, Devi?

You don't have to play
if you don't want to.

Maybe we should wait
until Kamala and Nalini come back.

What's taking them so long?

No, it's fine. I'm ready.

Kanna, look what I got you. It's a harp.

Harp? I wanted a guitar.

No, you don't. Come here.

Any idiot can play the guitar.
It only has six strings.

How many strings do you see here?

- A million.
- Exactly.

See, this is an instrument
for a real musician.

You're far too special
for a stupid guitar.

Prodigy.

Hey, this is kind of
a breakthrough.

Devi is playing the harp again?

Maybe she's all better now.

Shall we go?

Goodbye, Steve.

I'm sorry if I've hurt you.

You did.

Is Devi home?

How wonderful! You're very talented, Devi.

Prashant, we should set her up
with your little brother.

Your brother Arun, not the one
who works at Massage Envy.

Hello, everyone.

Here is Kamala.

I'm just gonna steal Devi for a second.

Did you get rid of Steve?
How hard did he cry?

Paxton?

There are more boys
coming and going in this house

than the GameStop at the mall.

Look, I can go. It seems like a bad time.

- You just weren't responding to texts.
- Don't go, Paxton.

You haven't returned Devi back her dress
that she took off in your car.

Okay, I did take off my dress
and leave it in his car,

- but not in the way you think I did.
- Don't even try.

I cannot believe you
because you keep lying to me.

She's telling the truth, Dr. Vishwakumar.
She fell in the pool at the party,

so I gave her a change of clothes.

- A party?
- Oh, sh*t.

Thank you so much, Paxton,
for clearing that up.

So, not only did you disobey me
by going to this party last night,

you were so sober, you fell into the pool,

and then did God knows what
with this boy in his car.

All we did was kiss.

You what?

Paxton,
these are very unforced errors.

Oh, Devi, this is just terrific.

Great decision making.

Why don't you just
let this idiot knock you up?

Maybe Princeton will allow you
to raise a little baby in your dorm room.

He's not an idiot.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is he an honors student?
I had no idea. My apologies, Paxton.

Even though Nalini
was talking out of frustration

more than anything else,

Paxton was stung by these little digs
at his intelligence.

- I'm gonna go.
- Mmm.

You must have a very busy day
returning dresses to other smart girls

whose futures you're trying to ruin.

Mom, stop.

What was that?

I barely did anything.

I kissed one boy one time.

Meanwhile, the guy
Kamala's having sex with

just broke into our house,
and you don't even care.

Well, I'll say it again. I'm not surprised
someone has broken into this house.

This seems like
a very private conversation.

Prashant...

I am so sorry.

I was seeing someone,

and he did kind of
just break into the house.

Was it the guys who was climbing
the tree outside when I arrived?

I thought he was the landscaper.

Yes, that was Steve.

So this was all a waste of time?

Wow. I feel like I'm being pranked.

No. No, I would never prank you.

I hate pranks.

I don't understand why America has
a national holiday to celebrate them.

I agree. April Fools' is way scarier
than Halloween.

Look, Prashant,
I am so sorry this happened,

but I promise you
I'm not with Steve anymore.

But also... I don't think I'm ready
to get engaged today.

Well, that is very clear.

That doesn't mean I won't ever be.

This all just feels so strange
at the moment.

I know. It's weird for me too.

To be honest, I'm actually relieved

you aren't some Goody Two-shoes
who does everything you're told.

It makes you more interesting.

- You think so?
- Definitely.

Every other Indian girl
I've been set up with

has tried to act like my mother.

Yes. What is that about?

I don't know, but I'm certainly not trying
to go to bed with my mother every night.

I know you just had another man
climbing on you roof,

so maybe I'm an idiot for saying this,
but I can't help it.

I kinda like you.

I kinda like you too.

And your family is very...

entertaining.

What if we just kept this between us?

Took things slow.
Just got to know each other.

Are you saying you don't want
my uncle around every time we talk?

I'd prefer if he were not.

I would too.

Two secret boyfriends
have entered this house

during a lunch
to decide this family's future.

What is it when I'm not here?
Three secret boyfriends?

This household is out of control!

It's not out of control.

I'd argue it's too under control.

Devi, do not talk back to your uncle.

The lack of discipline and respect here
is astounding to me.

When you return to India,
this behavior will be put to bed!

We're going to India?

Can't we vacation in Aspen
like Ben's family?

It's the playground
of the rich and famous.

You're not just going on vacation
to India, young lady.

Mom, what is he talking about?

Sweetheart, your uncle and I have been
talking for the past month or so

about how hard it's been for us here,
especially with family being so far away...

Oh, my God. You want us to move to India?

I...

I think it would be better for us.

- I need to go to my room.
- Devi...

Aravind.

- Devi, listen to me.
- No, I don't want to.

Look, I'll know it'll be a big change,
but I think we need it.

Look, I feel like a stranger here,
and I don't have a support system,

and frankly, without your father around,
I just...

I just feel like I'm really struggling
to raise you.

You are too easy on her.

No, I'm not.
I have a different approach.

Okay, great. Then why don't you raise her?

Because I give up. I am done.
She's too headstrong and doesn't listen.

Whoever this child is,
I am through with her!

- Nalini...
- No, that's your child.

She's no daughter of mine.

I understand you're struggling
to raise me.

You're struggling to raise me
'cause you don't like me.

What? Don't like you? That's not true.

I heard what you said the night Dad d*ed.

You said I wasn't your daughter.

I know I'm just a burden to you.

So you can go to India alone.

Or maybe take Kamala with you.

She's the daughter you actually wanted.

Devi, that's not fair.

What's not fair

is that I lost the only parent
that actually cared about me.

I wish you were the one
that d*ed that night.