06x11 - Sunk Cost and All That

[bunniefuu]

Watch out!

- Lift with your legs.
- I am lifting with my legs.

- Also lift with your arms.
- Is Horse Professor okay?

Nothing to see here!

He just passed out from pride!
Because you kids are so talented!

You think he passed out
from embarrassment?

- Because the kids are not talented.
- What happened?

He was getting off a phone call.

I had some constructive criticism
about his play.

I tried a compliment sandwich
by starting with some praise,

but he passed out!

Just goes to show,

you never know how much time you have
with someone,

so you should always say
the bad stuff first.

BoJack! Your play sucked!

They found out. I didn't...

- It's not true.
- What's not true?

I need to... Air.

♪ For he's our trusty director ♪

No. They can't know.
I didn't even do anything.

- It's...
- Slow down.

Why don't you tell us what happened?

Okay, I'll tell you.
But you can't talk to anyone.

No reporters.

BoJack, it's okay.
No one's gonna talk to any...

Reporters? With questions about
my good friend, BoJack Horseman?

I'd be delighted to talk!

Oh, Baxter,
my endlessly encouraging enfianced.

I'm thrilled to report our return
from a prolonged New Mexican exodus.

True, Max and I shared lodging
to husband our expenditures,

and true, too, we showered together
one night when the t*nk broke down

and the hot water was scarce,
but other than those mild inconveniences,

the fact-finding mission went as fine

as the print at the bottom
of a contract,

and we're close as ever
to sewing things up.

So, BoJack sold the restaurant
to Joey Pogo and me,

and we relaunched it with
my fiancée Pickles as a themed eatery.

What is the theme?

Pickles wanted small plates,
Joey wanted lazy Susans,

and I wanted the theme to be my face
is on the front of the menu.

So, we did all three!

- What's the big idea?
- I'm in the middle of eating!

Huh? It's the perfect compromise

because everybody got what they wanted,
and nobody had to compromise!

- And why is it called Ele-fee-no?
- Ele-fi-no.

Well, if you don't know, hell if I know!

I know this last story
is taking its sweet time,

but once we can tie down
this Bo-Person Horse-fellow to Sarah Lynn

on the night of her death,
we'll know he procured the final blow,

the blow being not blow but horse,
a scoop in itself,

but I believe the larger story is...
Oh, but here I am bending your ear.

Your everlasting patience inspires me.
Do return my call. This is Paige Sinclair.

- And then I took the boat back to LA.
- That's it? How's that a story?

You did nothing illegal, and even
the not illegal thing, you didn't even do.

And yet this thing continues
to haunt me, I...

- Because it's not about the legality.
- Diane's right.

That story is super sketchy.

Is BoJack super sketchy? Yes, he is!

Can Horse Professor come out?

We won't go to the cast party
unless our fearless teacher comes with us!

Why don't you just have the party here
and he'll pop out when he's ready.

Here's some cash.
Go buy some nice cast party things.

This is gonna be
the best night ever!

Okay, okay, you're right.
I've been sketchy.

But there's no story here. Right?

- Unless New Mexico isn't the story.
- Uh, what?

I'm just saying, if I tried to pitch
that story, no one would publish it.

They're working on something bigger.
What did you do this time?

I haven't done anything.

Since I got out of rehab
I have been on my best behavior.

But before rehab...

No. They can't get me on old sh*t.
I'm a different person now.

- This could be anything.
- Or a combination of things.

They're gonna combo me?

Let's take a b*at
and figure out what this story is.

- Todd, earmuffs.
- On it.

BoJack, tell us every bad thing
you ever did.

This is gonna be a long night.

So, what can I tell you about BoJack?
Nothing bad, though.

It's gonna be a short night!

- Right. I... Your chair, Miss Sinclair.
- Thanks, Mr. Banks.

And thank you, Mr. Peanutbutter,
for taking the time to quench our queries.

This shouldn't take more than
a half hour, max.

- Yes?
- No, not you Max.

- Then who Max?
- No, Max. I'm talking to Mr. Peanutbutter.

No, you're talking to Max.
I'm Mr. Peanutbutter.

Now I'm talking to Mr. Peanutbutter.

- Glad we're all on the same page.
- I beg your pardon.

Mr. Peanutbutter,
we have sitch in the kitch.

It's a dishwash ish.

- The dishwashers all quit?
- It's the small plates.

If we just had bigger plates,

we could get more stuff on them
and we wouldn't need so many.

The point of the small plates

is to curate a personalized
dining experience,

but because of your lazy Susans,
all the plates keep getting spun around

and nobody remembers who ordered what!

Oof! And then there's me,
putting my picture on the menu!

- What? No one cares about that.
- Yeah, the pic's not the problem.

All right. JoPo... go, why don't you start
on those dishes?

You got it, good buddy.

Oh...

Pickles, you keep manning the tables.
Those Susans aren't gonna laze themselves.

Sure. But...

Could I talk to you?

How much longer do we have
to keep working with that guy?

I thought you loved Joey Pogo!

I love his music!

He's my second favorite recording artist

after Lo-Fi Chill-Hop Beats
to study/relax to.

I love Lo-Fi Chill-Hop Beats
to study/relax to!

And I love you!

But Joey Pogo's like your total opposite!

He's arrogant, annoyingly cheerful,
and fake-nice.

You are confident,
refreshingly optimistic,

and wryly sweet
with an ironic self-aware edge

that reads to some as inauthentic,
but I recognize as archly sincere!

Total opposites!

Okay. So, Pogo's not gonna work,
but I guess we keep trying?

I can proposition some young men on set.
That should end well.

No, I'm sorry. I want this to work.
I'll try to make it work. For us.

Now, if we're to finish this story,
we need to stay focused.

The last days of Sarah Lynn.

I'm telling you, the story is bigger
than just the one girl!

If we pivot our perspective
so we prove a larger pattern,

we can paint a clearer portrait
of a problematic person

for a page-one profile
that'll pave our path to a Pulitzer!

Paige, please! At the rate we're going,

we'll never file the story,
you'll remain unmarried,

and I'll be stuck bickering with you
until the day I die!

Oh, poor baby.

Sorry, where were we?

- We wanted to ask you about Sarah Lynn.
- Oh.

Before we do, let's widen our frame a tad.

Oh, brother.

- Would you say BoJack is a good person?
- Unequivocally, more or less.

- More-more or more-less?
- Uh...

Yes, but back to Sarah Lynn...

We're trying to understand if your friend
has ever exhibited certain patterns...

Argyle? Herringbone?
That man can pull off anything!

We're wasting time. Did Sarah Lynn ac...

Whoa!

I told you not to spin it that fast!
Lazy! Lazy!

I'm lazy? Aren't you supposed to be
washing dishes?

Hey! Where are you going?

Okay, let the cat out of the bag
so my curiosity can k*ll it.

What is going on with those two?

That's a personal matter.
I'll tell you all about it!

Cast party! Cast party!

We are having a cast party!

- Yeah!
- They didn't even buy alcohol!

Just a disco ball and some capes?

These are all the bad things
you think you did?

- I swear, this is all I can think of!
- None of these are big stories!

- We all know there are more things.
- Jesus Christ.

What's the point of working on myself
and getting sober and getting better

if no matter what, there are people
out there just waiting to tear me down?

- BoJack, no.
- No, it's not fair.

If you start listing every single thing
everyone's done,

- then everyone's a monster.
- Nobody's...

Who are these reporters, anyway?

They're so perfect? I'll bet
there's dirt on them we could dig up!

- I don't think that's it...
- That'll teach those bloodthirsty leeches

what happens when they try to tear
someone down over their past

without even considering the possibility
that he's changed!

- Have you changed?
- Yes, obviously.

Because this feels like old BoJack.

I like the BoJack who's thoughtful
and directs plays

that are emotionally resonant despite
the glaring logical gaps in the plot.

It was a showcase of separate scenes!
There was no plot!

I need to go put Ruthie to bed.
Call me when new BoJack's back.

You didn't do any of the dishes?

Manual labor featuring me
is just not a fruitful collab.

So I just went out
and bought 500 new ones.

Why did Mister think I'd like you?

When I'm with him,
we finish each other's sentences.

Meanwhile, you are always...

Interrupting, just to say
the exact thing that you were going to?

- Yes! It's so...
- Annoying?

Thank you. That's the word.

Hey, I don't wanna be here either.
You know Joey Pogo wants to bounce.

What if we just tell Mister
we've formed an emotional bond,

then we can have sex,

and we'll never have
to see each other again!

- Why don't we just tell him we had sex?
- I can't lie to my fiancé about sex!

That's what got us into this mess
in the first place!

So, as soon as they go to bed
with each other,

we can put this whole thing to bed,
but the problem is...

- She loves him.
- No, the opposite.

No, the opposite of the opposite.
The very thing itself: she loves him.

Why do you say that?

You've got irises, haven't you?
And pupils and corneas?

You might even say you've got
a pair of eyes. Optic nerve?

Yes.

So how could you not see the way that
she follows him across the restaurant

like the puppy dog she is?
How they bicker and flirt?

Why would she fall
for a dashing cad like Joey Pogo

when she's already engaged to sweet,
dependable, predictable, safe, boring,

perfectly adequate Mr. Peanutbutter?

Thank you.

She only tolerates that other fellow
because she has to, for work.

Otherwise she finds him
utterly distasteful.

- Piggish even! No offense to me.
- None taken, of course.

No, she loves him,

though she'd never admit it,
even to herself.

And what about the boy?

Sure, he puts up a front
and picks a good fight,

but to just once hear
those stupid words "I love you"

tumble out of her foolish mouth

would drop his heart down
an elevator shaft

and bounce it back up to his throat.

- Yes?
- Yes.

- I'm pretty sure they hate each other.
- Uh...

I... Well, that's all very...

- Back to BoJack!
- And Sarah Lynn.

Would you say
BoJack's relationship with her

ever bordered on inappropriate

in the weeks leading up to her death?

No! They were closer than thieves!
They were thieves, actually.

They broke into my house together,

like great friends do,
and stole our clothes.

Ask Diane, she never got that jacket back!

But she was able to find another one
shortly thereafter

that looked exactly the same.

- Pardon me.
- Hello. Joseph?

Can I get an announcement drumroll,
please?

Never mind.

Joey and I have developed feelings
for each other.

Oh!

Wow, I didn't think so soon, but...
No, that's wonderful.

It's exactly what we wanted.

It is! So now we make love,

after which we can all get on
with our lives.

Great! This is good.

Look, we're not gonna
figure this out tonight.

Maybe I should just go
to the cast party and try to enjoy...

Hello?

Yes. Um, speaking.

Oh, hello, Paige Sinclair,
of the "Hollywoo Reporter."

Yes, I know BoJack Horseman.

Uh... What night? Did I see BoJack with...

Uh...

Listen, I'd love to talk more,
but, uh, I cut my finger earlier

in a bagel guillotine and I think
I require medical attention, goodbye.

Bagellotine.

It's Sarah Lynn.

Their story is about you and Sarah Lynn.

Well, uh, that was...

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Well, see ya later.

Oh.

Hey, I'm sorry I was kind of a d*ck
to you earlier.

The truth is, since Mr. Peanutbutter

has been such a good friend
and chill hang,

I was nervous
I would feel weird smashing his fiancée,

but once we were in it,
it was like we were two naked hearts

raw and exposed but safe in the home
we found in each other.

Yeah. Did you just come up with that?

No, it's from my new song,

"Two Naked Hearts."

- Oh. Sounds like another banger.
- Best of luck with your wedding.

One day I hope to have what you two have.

Right now, I couldn't even imagine
getting married.

I can't even commit
to a social media director.

Why not?

I'm just having a hard time finding
someone who gets my brand, you know?

Sexy?

That's exactly right, you totally get me.

So, if you think of anybody who could be
good for the job, let me know, all right?

- I will.
- All right.

I'm headed to the airport now

for another in a series of extravagant
world tours all by myself.

At least I'll have
the empty seat next to me

that I always book for extra comfort.

I'll be at gate six.

I'm just saying this information out loud
so I don't forget it.

Gate six. Plane boards at 10:38.

- Wait, Joey!
- Yeah?

Um, here's your jacket back.

Thanks, Pickles.

Goodbye, Joey Pogo.

So Sarah Lynn. That's okay.

- We can spin this.
- Yeah?

What are we spinning?

You went on a bender with her,
at some point you split up and she d*ed.

That's the story, right?

If you want us to help you,
you need to tell us what's coming.

You know what I thought?

The first thing I thought
when I heard Sarah Lynn d*ed?

Poor BoJack,
that he had to find her like that.

That's right.
Poor BoJack, that's the angle!

But then I kept thinking.

I wish I didn't,
but my stupid brain kept thinking.

She d*ed of a heroin overdose, yeah?

And you had heroin, "BoJack" brand,
you kept it in your glove compartment.

- Diane...
- I didn't wanna think about it,

but I couldn't help but wonder.
Did you give it to her?

I... Uh...

- Yes.
- And then what?

- You just abandoned her?
- No, I...

You just left her alone,
an addict, with heroin?

I didn't leave her, I was with her!

I was with her the whole time!
I was with her when she d*ed!

- Like "with her" with her?
- In the planetarium.

I left and came back
and pretended I'd found her that way.

I... I've never told anyone that.

That's really bad, BoJack.

Do the reporters know that?

I don't know how they could.
I covered my tracks.

How did you "cover your tracks"?

Oh. Hey. Uh, what's up?

We're doing
end-of-year superlatives,

and we thought it would be cool
if you came out and read some.

Oh, um...

Just, uh, give me a minute.

- This was supposed to be a celebration.
- We can still figure this out.

I'm tired of trying to figure things out.

Let me just have this one night.

It's Horse Professor!

Okay, okay, settle down, settle down.

Okay. You wanted me
to read these, right? Okay.

Um, well, for Best Old Man... Terry.

- Thank you. Thank you so much.
- Okay. Sit down, Terry. Just sit down.

Sit down. If you start talking,
then we'll all be old!

For Best Director...
Oh, Horse Professor.

That's me.

- Speech!
- No, I... Okay, okay, okay!

Okay. Thank you.

I just want to say that I've loved
being here with you this year.

You've shown me the type of person
I didn't know I wanted to be.

And this semester,
I got to be that person.

Thank you.

And I just... I want you all
to appreciate this time,

and how special it is,
and how fast it'll all go away.

Please, cherish this.

And I have my own superlative
to announce.

I, um...

Oh. Uh, hmm...

For the Best Actor or Actress...

Oh, my God, it's an eight-way tie!

Okay, everyone. Enjoy your party.

Hi, I just gotta tell you
how much I'm loving

the small plates and lazy Susans.

I put my fork down and I never know
what I'm gonna pull back up!

- You've really made dinner fun again.
- Uh-huh.

And did you notice my picture
on the front of the menu?

Uh, sure. I mean that part
I could take or leave,

but the small plates and lazy Susans
work together perfectly

to form a completely new kind
of upscale dining experience.

Exactly like dim sum,

but with white people food,
so it's more accessible.

- Oh, well, thank you.
- Huh! Tragic, isn't it?

What is?

I just keep thinking
about Pickles and Pogo.

They've finally acknowledged
that they love each other,

- but she's promised to another.
- Yes. To me.

Oh, right!
So, you know better than anyone.

Someone's up to something,
I can tell you that much.

Mr. Peanutbutter, does your ex-wife
regularly consume bagels?

Hey, why don't you two mind
your own business? How about that?

As payrolled journalists,
our business is minding your business.

I'm not going to help you
with your take-down piece on BoJack.

- Oh, no?
- He's a good guy.

And you have no idea
how torn up he was with Sarah Lynn.

In fact, he was with her
in the planetarium when she overdosed.

- He actually gave her the heroin!
- Oh?

Yeah. He told me that once
when he was drunk,

and then he said,
"I've never told anybody that."

Because he's modest.
So why don't you just leave him alone?

Oh, Max, it's all coming together!

I could just about kiss someone
if I had someone here to kiss!

- Listen, I've been meaning to discuss...
- The story?

It's cooking now. Smell that sizzle?

We've gotta build on it.
More angles, more leads, more...

Whoa!

- Oh...
- My...

I... You know, I think our story
is about as wrapped up as a mummy.

What?

I'd better hightail it to the office
and put ink on paper.

But what about establishing
a larger pattern of behavior?

We still haven't heard back
from the New Mexico girl

or our contact
at the rehabilitation clinic.

Don't you think we ought
to keep working together?

No, I think I ought to get married.
You were right all along, Banks, my boy.

The story is Sarah Lynn. It always was.

Taxi!

Wait! Paige! I, uh...

- I love you!
- Oh, Max. Of course you do.

Everybody does. I'm Paige Sinclair!

So, what happens?
When the story comes out, what do I do?

A statement about how sorry you are
about certain parts of the story

but other parts of the story
just aren't true.

No, you...

Then in everyone's head
you've apologized for the really bad stuff

without legally implicating yourself.

- Does that work?
- All the time.

No, it doesn't.
Why are you telling him to lie?

Because this is good.
This BoJack here is good.

This is working, but it's so precarious.

Well, I'm not gonna lose
my job here, right?

The Sarah Lynn stuff,
that has nothing to do with this.

- Right.
- No.

You're about to get pushed out of a plane,
and the two of you are talking

like you're trying to brainstorm ways
to get back on the plane.

That's not gonna happen.

You can try to find a parachute
or you can dive headfirst into the earth,

but the plane is gone.

You're seeing things in absolutes.
We can wriggle out of this.

- Who's "we"?
- Diane, I'm asking you for help.

This job is my lifeline.

I think you should do the hard thing
and be honest.

About everything. Things will get worse
before they get better,

but you won't spend the rest of your life
waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Yeah.

BoJack, just think...

Wesleyan University Theater Department.

Paige Sinclair,
"Hollywoo Reporter."

Is this a Mr. BoJack Horseman?

- Y-yes.
- Fabulous.

We're running a story Thursday next

about your relationship with Sarah Lynn
leading up to her death.

I wanted to give you a chance
to respond to these allegations.

I presume you will deny them,
as is customary,

but this is me doing my due diligence
and reaching out for comment, understood?

Uh, yeah.

Now, did you supply Sarah Lynn
with the dr*gs found on her person?

No.

All right. And did you use heroin
with Sarah Lynn during those last weeks?

- No.
- Uh-huh.

Were you with her when she d*ed?

Um... No.

And did you lie to the police
about any of these things?

No.

Thank you for your time.

What happened to being honest?

I didn't think it would happen so fast.
Did she say next Thursday?

That gives us a week to plan.
We can minimize damage.

"We" are not doing anything.

- Diane, please.
- I can't be a part of this.

I have a book to write.

Oh, my God!

They're all making out out here!
Go to your dorms!

You have rooms!

Well, we did it.
And by "it," I mean doing it.

Oh-ho! Fantastic.

So, now we're even,
and everything can go back to normal.

I can't wait. First step:
let's set a date for the wedding.

Joey has a job opening on his tour

that I think could be
a real opportunity for me.

Oh.

Only thing is, I'd have to go tonight,
and I might be gone for a while.

- Oh.
- Oh, Mister, I'm so confused!

I feel like my brain is on a lazy Susan,
just spinning in all directions.

And I know I should be ready
to commit to a main course,

but right now I'm just so excited

about all the different small plates
out there, you know?

It sounds like maybe this is a bad time
to have my face printed

on the cover of your metaphorical menu.

What? Oh, yeah.
I forgot about that part of it.

Go on Joey's tour. Have a good time.

And we'll plan the wedding...
when I get back?

Sure, Pickles... when you get back.

- Sounds like a good compromise.
- Yeah?

Yeah. The best.

Everyone gets what they want
and no one had to compromise.

Oh, my God, I gotta go!

- Okay, I love you!
- Hey.

Thank you, for everything.

Hey! Sad Dog!

- I think the party's over.
- Yeah.

What do you got?

"My relationship with Sarah Lynn
was complicated,

as relationships between addicts
often are.

However, certain aspects of the story
are inaccurate or exaggerated.

This story has started
an important conversation

and I look forward to continuing to work
on my own progress..."

There's... There's no way
to not sound like bullshit.

Yeah, well...

This place was supposed to be
a fresh start for me.

Rehab was supposed to be a fresh start.

But no matter how many starts I get,
there's always the same ending.

Everything falls apart and I end up alone.

- I'm still here, BoJack.
- Why?

I don't know. I'm a fool, I guess.

And you were my first client,

and one time you were drunk
and you smiled at me and I said, "What?"

And you said, "I just like being in a room
with you. You make rooms good."

You still do.

I have loved you for 25 years,
and I never loved anyone better.

That kind of love, you only get it
when you're young and stupid.

I'm not gonna get it again.

And when I tell my daughter the story
of the great love of my life,

I want it to have a happy ending.

Is it possible you letting me go
is the happy ending?

I've gone with you this far.
In for a penny, in for a pound, right?

Sunk cost and all that?

Yeah, sunk cost.

The story's coming out Thursday.

I don't think that we can get around this,
or over this, or try to get under it.

- Diane is right. We need to go through it.
- BoJack...

I need to take responsibility.

I want to.

So you can tell your daughter
you helped me do the right thing.

- I'll call you tomorrow with a plan.
- I'm looking forward to it.

- You sure?
- I mean, no.

♪ Back in the '90s
I was in a very famous TV show ♪

- ♪ I'm BoJack the Horseman ♪
- ♪ BoJack ♪

♪ BoJack the Horseman
Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long
I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'm just trying
To make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪
- ♪ BoJack! ♪