06x12 - Xerox of a Xerox

[bunniefuu]

[newscast jingle playing]

Shocking revelations today
about BoJack Horseman's involvement

in the overdose of Sarah Lynn,

in an expl*sive new
"Hollywoo Reporter" exposé.

Is BoJack #canceled?

#Find-out-tonight
when the horse himself sits down...

On "Braxby Means Business
with Biscuits Braxby,"

BoJack Horseman opens up
in an exclusive interview.

For the first time ever,

we'll hear the real story
of the last days of Sarah Lynn.

[Paige] I don't believe it.

I left shoe leather
in six different states

and spun the scoop of my career

all to get sidetracked by a sit-down
with a second-rate celebrity suck-up.

Relax. Your story's clearly
doing something

if they're scrambling
to do damage control so fast.

That's just it, Patience,
my sister and lifelong confidante.

These schmoozey charlatans will pour syrup

all over this stack of Shinola
and try to tell you it's pancakes.

And I'm powerless to prevent it!

Don't you have enough dirt
for a whole other story?

You know full well
once I become Baxter's bride,

I'm trading board rooms for bedrooms,
watches for swatches

and deadlines for bedtimes.

Okay, so then get married and forget
about this BoJack story.

I mean, who cares, right?

Patience, you cut to the core
like a classic Sinclair.

I shall miss making mincemeat
of the misdeeds of mischievous miscreants,

but I must focus on my new mission,
as I transition from miss to missus.

Why do you talk like that?
We're from Fresno.

[theme music playing]

Huh, they're really hyping up
this BoJack interview.

I gotta admit I'm kinda curious.
You're gonna watch, right?

No. I can't waste my energy
getting worked up about that guy, Guy.

I've done enough of that.
Like, years of that.

- Yeah, but it's not like you can just...
- I need to work on my book.

These mall-related mysteries
aren't gonna solve themselves.

Spoken like a very emotionally
healthy woman,

productive professional writer
and super-cute girlfriend.

We already know what BoJack's gonna say.

He'll admit to everything in the story,
but nothing else.

He'll trot out this sad-sack routine,
everyone will feel bad for him.

He'll talk about his addictions.

"Showbiz is awful.
My parents were abusive."

He'll say he's changed.
That he's not that guy anymore.

- Yeah. You sound real done with it.
- I am! I'm just saying.

They'll make you feel bad for him,
without it being too sad...

...because too sad is a bring-down.
We wanna sh**t for pensive.

And this will keep you
from talking with your hands,

which can be construed as aggressive.

And whatever you do, don't get defensive!
Don't deny anything, and don't argue.

- [sighs]
- Give me a smile.

Uh...

Whoa! Am I my third favorite
Bruce Springsteen song

because I was not "Born in the USA"
nor am I "Tougher Than the Rest,"

but I am "Blinded By the Light"!
Nice smile, buddy.

Do you need to be here right now?

Since your interview is leading
into the season finale of "Birthday Dad,"

I wanted to officially welcome you
to the MBN Thursday Night family.

Thank you.

And to ask if it wouldn't be
too much trouble for you

to shout out "Birthday Dad"
during your interview?

- Why would I...
- But only if the interview is going well.

If the interview is going poorly,
please do not bring up "Birthday Dad."

- [baby cooing]
- Hey, Princess Carolyn, I... Oh. BoJack.

- Getting ready for the interview?
- Yeah.

Oh! You've got your work cut out for you,
because people hate you right now.

- I'm aware, thank you.
- That story... Wow.

Really well-written, huh?

Yeah, the power of the prose
was not the first thing I noticed.

Haunting.

Anyway, Princess Carolyn,

is it cool if I take tomorrow night off
for a date with Maude?

Todd, I keep hearing about
this new girlfriend of yours.

When do I meet her?

You can probably take this part
of the conversation elsewhere.

Right this way.

We should go on a double date
with you and Pickles!

Pickles and I are putting our relaysh
on a brief hiate at the mo,

but as soon as she returns
from her work trip...

- [phone buzzes]
- Uh, oh!

Excuse me, I'm receiving a text message
and it appears we have broken up forever.

- You're gonna be great.
- [exhales] Yeah. Where are we doing this?

I got them to take the "Philbert" set
out of storage.

Why?

Because we want the intimacy
and vulnerability of your home.

You're saying, "This is me. No more lies."

But since we're pre-taping it
in the afternoon,

we're using the set to make it look
like it's nighttime.

Makes sense.

[jingle playing]

I'm here with BoJack Horseman
in his actual house.

BoJack, a story came out this morning
about the last days of Sarah Lynn.

How did it make you feel?

Honestly? I felt relieved
that now I can stop lying.

- [light crashes]
- [grunts]

- Are the allegations in the story true?
- [clears throat] They are.

Sarah Lynn was nine months sober.
I invited her on a bender.

We spiraled together for a little over
a month and then she overdosed.

On heroin you purchased for her?

- Well, I didn't purchase it for her...
- There's no need to get defensive.

I'm just trying to be accurate.

I-I didn't purchase it at all.
I just had it.

[Biscuits] You just had heroin?
Lying around.

No, no, no, no, not lying around.

[scoffs] You're making it sound
like I had extra heroin,

because I do so much heroin.

I had that heroin
because I wasn't doing heroin.

So, I had it. You understand?

In your original statement to the police,
you said she called you,

you came to the planetarium and found her.
That was a lie.

Yes.

Would you say Sarah Lynn dying
was your rock bottom?

I don't believe in rock bottoms.

I've had a lot of what I thought
were rock bottoms only to discover

- another rockier bottom underneath.
- That sounds dangerous.

Eventually, I decided to stop waiting
for something to change me.

I had to make the change myself.
And that's why I went to rehab.

And I'm very proud to be one year sober
next month.

So, if I'm understanding you correctly,

Sarah Lynn dying
was part of that decision?

Uh, it was part of it, yes.
Uh, I've made a lot of mistakes.

Can you share some of those
other mistakes?

I... I don't think
that it would be fair to the people

who were affected by those mistakes,
all of whom I've apologized to in private.

Now that you're sober,

do you think you'll stop
making these mistakes?

I do. It's been a lot of work,

but I look back at that other BoJack
and I think, "Who is that?"

And who was he?

I came from a broken home,

and I used to feel like my whole life
was an acting job.

Just doing an impression of the people
I saw on television,

which was just the projection of a bunch
of equally screwed-up writers and actors.

I felt like a Xerox of a Xerox
of a person, you know what I mean?

- But not anymore?
- No. Now I feel like me.

It must have been difficult

to see those same patterns
repeat themselves with Sarah Lynn.

I think that's why her death
was so scary for me,

why I didn't wanna confront it,
because she reminded me of myself.

Some have accused Sarah Lynn's mother
of exploiting her death.

When you hear "All Twerk and No Play"
in a Geico commercial,

or see Sarah Lynn's face on a billboard
with the slogan "I'd die for a Pepsi,"

- how does that make you feel?
- Sad. Angry.

Honestly, it feels like
that's what k*lled her.

Not the heroin?

No, you're right.
It was mostly the heroin.

If you could talk to her mother now,
what would you say to her?

I would say... I wish you could know...

how sorry I am.

[gasps]

- Am I crazy or did I nail that?
- It was good.

Oh, man, when she brought up
Sarah Lynn's mother?

She was setting me up
to throw her under the bus,

but then I said I'm sorry?

I mean, that was a sweet move, yeah?
I felt like I could see The Matrix!

You've definitely gotten
your 10,000 hours in

when it comes to apologizing.

It was good, right?
People are gonna like it?

Yeah, well, we'll find out in three hours
when it airs.

And that's why the band Chicago

is not one of the top ten Chicago bands
of all time.

Uh-huh.

Hmm, it's okay
if you wanna watch. All right?

He's your friend, it's a big deal for him.

- You don't have to be so weird about it.
- I'm not being weird. I'm in a good place.

I don't wanna get dragged back
into that other stuff.

That's great! But, you know,
it is a little weird

that one of your best friends
is a huge celebrity

- and you never wanna talk about him.
- Roxy's really more my "best" best friend.

But you never talk about Roxy either!

I don't understand what her job is
and it's too late for me to ask.

And you were also married
to a huge celebrity.

And you never talk about him either.

You don't share your past life with me.
You wanna talk about weird?

I've lived here six months
and I still haven't met your son.

[stammers] Okay. But you don't really
wanna meet Sonny.

Of course I do!

All right, cool.
Let's get dinner tomorrow.

"Tomorrow" tomorrow?

[birds chirping]

[sighs, mumbles]

[inhales, exhales]

[phone buzzes]

[inhales, exhales]

Huh.

[camera shutter clicks]

[rings]

I saw your interview, BoJack.

As a recovering addict myself,
I was spellbound!

Wow. I had no idea.

And I see no reason
why you shouldn't return to Wesleyan.

Uh, small latte?

- My manager told me not to charge you.
- What?

He said he watched
your interview last night,

then turned off the TV

and went straight
to his first AA meeting.

Huh.

No "Birthday Dad."

- So, I nailed it.
- You kidding?

- Pinky Penguin, line one.
- Pinky!

Princess Carolyn!

You delivered MBN
the best ratings we've seen in years!

You just bought us six more months
of not having to sell ourselves

to a larger media company
that strips us for office furniture.

[grunts]

BoJack and I
were just talking about all the buzz.

I wanna strike while the iron is hot
and do a part two tonight.

- Part two?
- There is no part two.

It's right there in the title,
"The Last Days of Sarah Lynn."

Just sit down with Biscuits again

and tell a few more colorful anecdotes
from your years partying in Hollywoo.

Then, an encore presentation
of the "Birthday Dad" finale.

Makes sense.

We got what we wanted out of this.
I don't think we should push it.

We're starting a dialogue.
I'm helping people.

Move over, Sad Dog.
Make room for Remorse Horse!

That's great BoJack, but...

Listen, I'm ready to move on
and go back to Connecticut,

but it does feel good to be part
of the conversation again.

And if my openness and candor
about addiction is helping people,

then I'm kind of a d*ck
if I don't do another interview, right?

[sighs]

[Pinky] I mean, I wasn't gonna say it.

[jingle playing]

Thank you so much for inviting us
into your home

- for another night of questions.
- Are you kidding?

You couldn't keep me away!
Because this is my house.

[light crashes]

I wanna start
with another Sarah Lynn question.

Oh, here we go.

Speaking of addicts,
I think you're addicted to Sarah Lynn!

[chuckles] You told the police
you weren't with her when she d*ed.

That she called you from the planetarium.

Yes, I lied.

Weren't you afraid the police would check
the phone records?

Oh! Well, I wasn't thinking clearly.
Guess I'm not a criminal mastermind!

But the police did check
the phone records,

and your story checked out.

There was a two-minute phone call
made from her phone to your phone,

17 minutes before you called 911.

- Oh?
- If you were with her,

- how do you explain the phone call?
- I, um...

I called myself.

After I realized what had had happened,
I took her phone and I called myself

so I could make it look like
she called me.

- Why?
- I went into panic mode.

And then what did you do?

I thought we were gonna talk
about other stuff.

What did you do after you called
your own phone, BoJack?

I went outside to the parking lot.

And you just waited there for 17 minutes?

Why are you asking about this?

Biscuits Braxby.
Paige Sinclair. You've been had.

A pleasure to meet you. Had by who?

The pleasure is mine,

the pronoun is whom,
and the whom is the horse.

BoJack? I got him to spill his guts
about the worst moment of his life

on national television for huge ratings.

Your disgusting display
of soft-pedaling sycophancy

made me wanna quit
the journalism business altogether,

two days prior to when I get married

and quit the journalism
business altogether.

But the Biscuits Braxby brand
is keeping things light.

Celebs come on my show
because I make 'em look good.

That access keeps me relevant.

But to what benefit is your relevance

if it's squandered
in the service of public relations?

With the advent of social media,

celebs don't need you
to make them look good.

And if you don't alter your strategy soon,
you'll have no career left to save.

Face it, chinchilla, you're all wet.

Well, I...

Ugh! Even if I wanted to do a hard-hitting
interview, what would I say?

I've a few ideas...

- You keep looking over to your manager.
- Well, I...

- Can we talk about your relationship?
- Princess Carolyn?

- You dated her for seven years?
- Yes, and look! She's alive.

Did it ever get complicated,

working with her while maintaining
a sexual relationship?

Well, she's always been good

at keeping her personal
and professional lives separate.

- Quite an accomplished woman.
- You said it.

She was an agent's assistant
when I met her

and now she's running her own company.
Plus, she's a great mom.

[chuckles] Oh, fish! Mom!

- I forgot about Todd's date!
- I can watch Ruthie for a few hours.

[whispers] Thank you.

What can you tell me
about Marcy Jerominek?

- Who?
- In the '90s, you had a fan club...

- How do you know all this?
- Do you know where I'm going here?

[sighs] Marcy. Yes.
She was the president of my fan club.

You slept with her.

We had a lovely evening together.
We both got something out of it, and...

Did you take a high school girl
to her prom?

- That was a family friend.
- Did you help a teen mom

sneak out of rehab
and take her to a high school party?

I didn't take her. We went together.

Is it true you once dated a woman

who'd just woken up
from a 30-year coma?

- Were you attracted to her naiveté, too?
- What does all this have to with...

You had sex with the president
of your fan club.

You had sex with your agent's assistant.
You party with underage girls.

- You don't see a pattern here?
- It's not a pattern.

- Do you enjoy having power over women?
- I don't even know what that means.

You don't know what it means
to have power over women?

I don't have power over anyone.
I barely have power over myself.

But you do have power over people.
And again and again, you abuse that power.

All these women that you mentioned,
I never forced myself...

Not through force,
but you understand the power differential.

So, I can't be with any woman
I might have power over?

- Who does that leave me with?
- I'm just pointing out a series of...

You think everything
is this nefarious scheme.

Most of the bad sh*t
that happens in this world

isn't because of wicked plots
and machinations.

It's just because we're all
a bunch of stupid, hungry,

horny little g*ons just grabbing at sh*t,

hoping it'll press that little button
in our brain that says,

"Okay, you're happy now."
That's not an "abuse of power."

Do you really believe you didn't have
the power in all of those relationships?

I... I am an addict.

One of the first things that I had
to accept was my own powerlessness.

- But that's...
- I understand what I did was wrong.

I'm not denying that.
But you're trying to paint this picture.

You're making it out like I'm a bad guy,
and I'm not.

I'm not that guy you're saying I am.

- So, back to Sarah Lynn...
- No. Why?

You gave her the heroin...

I already told you, yes.
How many times can I say it?

Breaking news! The thing I told you
yesterday is still true.

- Did you ever give Sarah Lynn alcohol?
- What?

The first time Sarah Lynn ever got drunk,
she was a child, and it was vodka, right?

How... how do you know about that?

You were bringing vodka
to the set of "Horsin' Around."

Who told you all this stuff?
Did Sharona tell you that?

Doctor Champ,
thank you for returning my call.

I didn't wanna say anything,

but just watching BoJack
in that interview,

talking like he's a victim in all this.

If the world only knew the things
I know...

I understand as a therapist,

you're not at liberty to divulge
what your client told you in confidence.

But I'm not a therapist.
I'm a therapy horse.

And I can tell you everything.

Oh.

Because Sharona was a drunk, too,
so you can't trust a thing she says.

Obviously, she has a vendetta against me.
Besides, I already apologized to her.

Apologized for what?

Okay, when you put it all together,
it looks bad.

Do you see any connection between
those other women and Sarah Lynn?

There's no connection between anyone,
that's what I keep saying!

Sarah Lynn wasn't like those other girls.

I loved Sarah Lynn.
She was like a daughter to me.

I just keep seeing this story of you
taking young women...

- No.
- Grooming them...

I didn't groom anyone, okay?

It's not like I got Sarah Lynn drunk

for the purpose
of taking advantage of her.

She was ten! I didn't even have sex
with her until she was 30!

- I'm sorry, what?
- No. I just mean that...

- Did you say you had sex with her?
- That was later. She was an adult.

And we were both so drunk and high,
I didn't...

We didn't know what we were doing.

We were addicts,
and the thing about addicts...

- This was during your bender?
- Yeah. No! A different bender.

I took her to rehab, by the way!
I tried to get her help.

I just keep thinking
about those 17 minutes.

You waiting in the parking lot
after she d*ed.

But she wasn't actually dead yet.
She d*ed in the hospital.

- Right, but at the time, I didn't...
- Ever wonder what would've happened

if you didn't take those 17 minutes?
Do you think she might still...

No! I... Look, obviously
when I did all that stuff, I wasn't...

So to recap, you gave Sarah Lynn alcohol
when she was a child.

She then became an addict.

Come on, there was a lot of stuff
in between...

I'm talking now. You're not talking.

When she was intoxicated,
you had sex with her,

and when she was sober,
you gave her the heroin that k*lled her.

Then in an effort to cover for yourself,

you waited to call the paramedics
that might have saved her life.

And you don't think
you have any power over women.

So, it didn't go great.

The gross part is she doesn't even care.

This is just a ratings win she can use
as leverage for her next big paycheck.

- Maybe.
- She was all over the place.

I think people are gonna see
that she was just out to get me.

- People are gonna see that, right?
- I guess we'll find out tonight.

Okay, maybe she had some good points,

but she completely
undermined herself with, like...

I mean, we dated for like seven years.

Do you think that I took advantage of you?

- [sighs] I'm here, aren't I?
- And she kept bringing it back to women...

These "women I hurt"
because that's what's hip now, right?

Hurting women?
But I have also hurt a lot of men!

I told you to do just the one interview
and go back to Connecticut.

- But it's gonna be okay, right?
- [sighs]

You wanna grab some tacos?
What do you think?

- I think you have three hours...
- [car alarm chirps]

...before this interview airs
and your world changes completely.

You should think about
how you wanna spend that time.

I'm going home to my daughter.

[engine starts]

- Sonny! It's great to finally meet you.
- Hey.

- Sonny! Come on!
- Good evening, ma'am.

Whoa! [chuckles]

What's this? You made varsity?

Yeah. Coach moved me up
for the rest of the season.

- Wow! Congratulations!
- That's amazing! Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted to wait for the jacket.

I'm so proud of you, buddy.

We should get Chicago-style cheese fries
to celebrate.

- Oh! I'll get...
- I'm getting cheese fries.

- [chuckles] So... lacrosse.
- What's your deal?

- What?
- My dad has a thing for broken women.

Then he nurses them back to health,
and when they're better they leave.

You gonna leave him?

- Does your dad think I'm gonna leave him?
- It doesn't matter, because eventually

my mom and dad
are gonna get back together.

They're still in love.

- What? No, they hate each other.
- No, they don't.

- They fight all the time.
- Wha... Really?

- [cries]
- Oh! Whoa!

- My dad hates my mom?
- Uh... No! Of course not!

Then why would you say that?
You're so mean!

[sobs]

I was gone for two minutes!

Huh.

Ah.

Is this anything?

"My girlfriend was upset
I gave her a CD for Christmas.

But she gave me VD for Hanukkah!"

That's nothing.
And possibly anti-Semitic. Hold still.

Ugh! I am so ready
to never do stand-up again.

Are you gonna put me
on your TV show or what?

I'm telling you, the network loves you.

They just need you to do a screen test.
It's basically a formality.

- Screen test?
- What, you're too good for it?

No, it's cool! A screen test! Ha!

You wanna hit Alma's after the show?
Best tacos in LA.

- I keep telling you it's Neptune's Net.
- Ugh!

Malibu is for pretentious,
rich douchebags.

That's Beverly Hills.

Malibu is for pretentious
famous douchebags.

- Hold still so I can finish.
- Finish what?

Look, you might never get a star
on the Walk of Fame or a wax statue.

But this way you'll always be immortalized
and undisturbed in Hollywood forever.

Unless they repaint.

[Coltrane] Anybody from out of town?
It's a trick question, it's LA.

- Everybody's from out of town.
- [audience laughing]

Most of Los Angeles
isn't even in Los Angeles.

- I mean, Azusa? Excusa?
- [grunts]

[audience laughing, applauding]

Oh, my God.

- Hey, man. I hated your show.
- What?

- "Horsin' Around." Hated it.
- Yeah, that's a hell of an opener.

But my baby brother loved it.

I'd be in my bedroom, sulking

and I'd hear him laughing his ass off
in the living room.

He had this great laugh.

dr*gs took a lot from him,
but he still had that laugh.

Right up to the end.

Now anytime I hear anything about
that show, I hear my brother's laugh.

- Thanks for that.
- Well, sh*t. You're welcome.

Hey, do you wanna go up?

Oh, man. I...
I haven't done stand-up in years.

You're famous. They'll get
a kick out of it even if you suck.

[stammers] I don't think so.
Thanks, though.

[mumbles, sighs]

Oh.

[audience laughing]

Mm-mm. No.

- Hmm. Oh, what about this show?
- Oh, what's it about?

It's really smart.

It's about New Orleans and jazz
and Hurricane Katrina

and dr*gs and John Goodman.

- Sounds exciting.
- It's not!

[Bess] Maude? I heard a man's voice!

- Yeah, Mom, Todd's over!
- Is that a burglar?

He's my boyfriend! We're gonna watch TV!

No shows about burglars, though!

- You got it, Mom!
- And keep the door open.

- No funny business!
- [sighs] Okay, Mom.

Wanna watch the second part
of the BoJack interview?

I don't know.

That guy was my best friend
for like five years.

But not because we have anything
in common.

I just landed at his house one night.

You ever get tired of living
at the mercy of whoever happens

to let you crash on their couch?

- What do you mean?
- Why don't you get your own place?

Princess Carolyn doesn't need
a live-in nanny anymore.

I think I'd get lonely.

How about this:
what if you had your own place,

but you shared it with someone?

- Like a roommate?
- Or a girlfriend.

[chuckles] But Maude,
you're my girlfriend.

What am I supposed to do?

Get a second girlfriend
just to live with?

- No, I...
- And by the way, you're one to talk.

- You still live with your mom.
- Yeah, I...

- Why don't you get your own place?
- Right, that's actually what...

Wait. I just got an incredible idea!

Yeah? Because I just had
an incredible idea, too.

Okay, let's both say our ideas
at the same time.

One, two, three.

- Salty gum.
- Ice cream sandwich flavored ice cream.

Also, we should move in together.

Oh.

[audience laughing]

You know what they don't tell you
about getting sober?

The hardest part, worse than the DTs
or the looking back at everything you did

or the constant fear of relapse,

the hardest part is figuring out
what the hell to drink

when you order a meal
at a nice restaurant.

You expect me to order
the bucatini carbonara at Gusto

and then drink, what, an Arnold Palmer?

I'm not even a red wine guy, but come on!
"Here's your steak, sir.

Would you like an ice-cold Dr. Pepper
to go with that?" I mean...

[applause]

- [baby cooing]
- [door closes]

[sighs]

Are you all right?

Eh... Hmm.

- [pops]
- [laughs]

[keyboard clacking]

[tapping]

[exhales]

[TV playing]

I guess what I'm getting at is
I keep hearing you say,

"That's not me. I've changed."

But how can we believe
you've stopped this pattern of behavior

if you won't acknowledge
this pattern exists?

I don't even know what pattern
you're talking about.

- [scoffs]
- [Biscuits] I'll try one more time.

Over these last two nights,
you've drawn us an outline of a person.

A person who doesn't think about others,
a person who puts his own needs first.

And over and over, other people get hurt,

not necessarily because he means
to hurt them,

but because he just doesn't care.

This person I'm describing,
is it a different person, or is it you?

Oh.

[BoJack] Yeah. It's me.

♪ Back in the '90s
I was in a very famous TV show ♪

- ♪ I'm BoJack the Horseman ♪
- ♪ BoJack ♪

♪ BoJack the Horseman
Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long
I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'm just trying
To make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

- ♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪
- ♪ BoJack ♪