06x13 - The Horny Unicorn

[bunniefuu]

[line ringing]

[voicemail] Hey, it's Hollyhock.

Leave a message, if you're a hundred.
[beeps]

Hey, Hollyhock.

Um, you still haven't returned
my last call, which is fine.

I just... I know you're going back
to school soon,

and you should know I won't be there.

Because of... everything
you've probably heard about.

So, if you were worried
you'd have to see me, you won't.

But I would love to talk.

- It's BoJack.
- [beeps]

[man] Welcome to Burritos and Mo!
Home of burritos and much, much mo!

- Give me a large number three.
- Oh, my God. Ellie! Look at the monitor.

It's fricking BoJack Horseman.
Don't worry, I muted it.

- [Ellie] He looks like crap.
- Yeah. His tie is all loosened up,

which is like the universal sign
for having a shitty day.

[Ellie] Probably because he just came
from court. It's all over the news.

He just settled with Sarah Lynn's family
for five million dollars.

[man] Makes sense. He seemed like
a real psycho in that interview

- he did a few months back.
- Yeah. Guys.

[Ellie] I'm surprised he'd still
wanna show his face in public.

- Hey!
- [man] His face is everywhere.

- The cover of every magazine.
- Okay.

Even got the number-one slot
for Hundred Most Hatted Men.

- No, it...
- [Ellie] Most Hatted Men? What is that?

[man] List of men in hats, I guess.
He was wearing a fedora.

It was Most Hated Men!

- [Ellie gasps]
- [man] What?

It was the Hundred Most Hated Men,
it was a newsboy cap,

and I can hear everything
you've been saying!

[Ellie] Uh...

- [man] Get his bags, Ellie!
- You said you muted it!

[BoJack grunting]

- [man] Have a burrito-ful day!
- [man 2] Hey! [grunts] You suck, assh*le!

- [sighs]
- [theme music playing]

[bleating]

I don't think it's wise
to be burning Bridges at this juncture.

I'm sorry, just don't like Beau.

- Greetings, strangers!
- Maude?

That's what they want you to think!

I'm Maude's twin sister Fergus,
we have never met before,

and I'd be delighted to accept a job
at this company.

- [scoffs] What?
- As you know, I have 12 children.

What sort of day care services
do you provide here?

Has this ever happened to you?

Todd? At the office?

Can we wrap whatever this is up?

I'm supposed to head over
to the "Birthday Dad" set.

I wanna run a day care at VIM!

I've mastered the art of looking
at one baby and I'm ready for more.

You do have several employees
with children.

If you employ Todd through the company,

you could offer him a raise
and still save money on taxes.

Great. It's done.

Hooray! Corporate tax loophole!

Plus, we can carpool to the office.

Which leads me to my next point.
I am moving out to live with Maude.

It's me! It's Maude.
I don't really have a twin sister.

Hey, that's fantastic!
Where are you moving to?

Um...

- You can stay here! Live with me forever!
- [director] Cut!

The line is,
"Thank you for the birthday pizza.

Today, I am your dad."

- Oh, sorry!
- Let's take five?

- Hey, champ. Everything okay?
- I'm just distracted.

Ever since Pickles left, I've been
so lonely in that big, empty house.

I've always had a wife or a girlfriend,
someone to take care of.

Princess Carolyn,
you're perpetually alone.

- How do you manage?
- One day at a time, buddy.

I went to the doctor to see
if he could make me feel better,

he said, "You should check out
this Internet meme,

it always cheers me up: Sad Dog."

And I said, "But Doctor, I am Sad Dog."

Guys, I'm really sorry
this keeps happening.

When I got home, I found my wife
and daughter had moved out.

All they left behind was this picture.

- Okay. Rude.
- Shh!

It's the stock photo
that came in the frame.

My wife kept asking me to put in a picture
of our family, but I was always too drunk.

But because of all of you
and my sponsor Leo,

I'm no longer just the man
who's not in this picture.

I'm a different, better man
who is also not in this picture.

Who's next?

[sighs]

- Um, okay, I'll speak.
- Ugh.

Things have been pretty brutal
for me lately.

- Most people hate me...
- Mm-hmm.

...I just lost five million dollars,
so that's not great.

Could probably use a Leo
of my own right about now.

Wow, tough room.

This AA meeting is a tough room.

[sighs]

Hey, I'll be your sponsor.

Oh! Um...

I know what you're thinking,
"Vance Waggoner?

That guy's gonna be my sponsor?

The guy Charlie Sheen
once called 'a little much'?"

- Uh...
- "Vance Waggoner?

That guy's got more domestic as*ault
convictions than Sean Penn!"

And now you're thinking,

"Did Sean Penn get convicted
of domestic as*ault

or was it just alleged?
I gotta look that up later."

- I'm sure...
- Now you're thinking,

"Why would someone this cool
and put-together wanna sponsor me,

- dumb slob BoJack Horseman?"
- That's not...

Wait. I've been where you've been, BoJack.
And everyone abandoned me.

If you need someone to talk to,
give me a call, okay?

My number is 555-555-8008.

Because sometimes
life turns you upside-down,

and when you're upside-down,
my number is boobs.

[phone buzzing]

- [beeps]
- Hello?

Diane! How are the revisions going?

Good! Usually at this stage
I hate everything I've ever written

and I feel like a worthless hack,
but this book actually isn't terrible.

Great, so when can we expect
the not-terrible sequel,

"Ivy Tran Two: A Tran for All Seasons"?

I don't know, Ivy Tran was fun
but I'm a grown-up writer.

There are other things I wanna write.
Did you know Eleanor Roosevelt...

- Interesting.
- I didn't even tell you the thing.

I know.
I was interested in you not telling me.

Okay, good bit.

In the meantime,

if you're interested in writing books
that people actually read,

you'll get to work on "Ivy Tran Two:
Last Tran to Clarksville."

- Eleanor Roosevelt once...
- Interesting!

[disconnect tone]

[audience laughing]

[woman] And those congressional
turd-weasels

actually called this legislation
the "Anti-Corruption Bill!"

That's like if BoJack Horseman
wore a T-shirt that said,

"I am not a ginormous d*ck-weasel!"

Hey, that is an unfair drive-by!

Now, I know this Photoshop is not up
to our program's usual standards,

but in our graphic department's defense,

none of them could spend ten minutes
looking at this ass-weasel

without their uteruses
literally throwing up.

- [phone ringing, buzzing]
- Ugh!

- [beeps]
- Yes?

BoJack, it's your very good
accountant Gaz.

- I'm here with...
- Your very good lawyer Chaz!

Okay.

The good news is the Sarah Lynn settlement
isn't gonna k*ll us.

What's the bad news?

The bad news is you're being sued
for a hundred million dollars.

- What?
- Remember in your interview,

when you disparagingly referred
to yourself as "a Xerox of a Xerox"?

The Xerox Corporation did not appreciate

being implicated
in your untoward behavior.

Just so I'm clear, Sarah Lynn's death
cost me five million dollars,

but saying something bad about a brand
is gonna cost me a hundred million?

When you frame it that way,
it almost seems comical!

But it is not comical,

because a hundred million dollars
is a lot of money you do not have.

Okay, so what's the move?

- Funny you should mention "move."
- [doorbell rings]

Your accountant told me
you wanted to sell your house?

- Okay, I'm gonna call you back.
- So, I sold your house!

Wow-ee! It looks better than the pictures!

- You sold my house?
- Golly, are you...?

Sylvester Stallion.
From the Rocky movies.

Oh! Hey, you kids wanna go check out
the pool?

- [boy] Yeah!
- [girl] I love my new life!

You sold my house?

I found this sweet, sweet family from Ohio
whose kid just got cast in a movie!

I wanted to make sure the ink dried
on the mortgage

before they find out the movie's
being sh*t in Saskatchewan. [chuckles]

So, where do I go?

What do I look like, a real estate agent?

- Wait.
- Yeah?

Your mail came.

- Now leave. You're harshing the buzz.
- But...

Huh?

- Well, I'm all moved in.
- [sighs] Me too.

Wow! Got a promotion
and my own apartment all in the same day.

- I never realized my boyfriend was butter.
- You're right. I am on a roll!

What should I do next?

[ringing]

Chavez residence, this is Jorge.
Please state the purpose of your call

so I can most appropriately
modulate my tone.

Hey, it's Todd. Is Mom there?

Ah! Todd! Yes.

Oh. She's resting at the moment.
Can I take a message?

I just wanted her to know that
I don't have anything to prove to her,

but I got a new job and an apartment,

so if I did have something
to prove to her,

- I'd have proven it by now.
- Well, that's wonderful, Todd.

Yes. And quite mature.
And she won't even talk to me.

- Does she know I'm butter?
- I'm glad to hear you're on a roll.

We'd love to see your home
once you're settled.

What's that supposed to mean?
I'm settled! I'm a grown-ass Todd!

- No, I just meant...
- I don't need to impress you!

Why don't you come
to my fancy, sophisticated

housewarming party tomorrow night
and see for yourself!

Consider us there. What can we bring?

- Two chairs!
- [beeps]

We could throw together a party, right?

Um...

- No.
- I need a job.

There are no offers.

- Can you check? Ask around?
- I'm checking. I'm asking around.

- [gasps] There are no offers.
- But I'm broke and homeless.

[scoffs] I can get you a small role
on "Birthday Dad."

Great. Have my pages delivered
to me at the Chateau Marmoset.

- You just said you're broke!
- And homeless.

You are not staying at a fancy hotel.

Who else would have me?

You could stay here! Live with me forever!

[sighs]

- [sizzling]
- [Mr. Peanutbutter humming]

And flip! Morning, sunshine!

I hope I didn't wake you
with the delicious smell

of a well-balanced breakfast.

- Less talky. More coffee.
- You got it, roomie!

- Coffee maker, make!
- [beeps]

Took the liberty of doing your laundry
and this letter was in your pocket.

- [gasps, screams]
- Ooh-hoo! A mysterious pen pal!

Is it a secret admirer
or the snowman k*ller still at large?

It's from Hollyhock. But... [sighs]

I can't open it. What if she says
she never wants to hear from me again?

Or maybe it says "I got rid of my TV
three months ago. What's new, BoJack?"

I should just call her.

If I could talk to her,
I feel like I could explain that...

[voicemail] Hey, it's Hollyhock.
Leave a message, if you're a hundred.

- [voicemail beeps]
- Hey, Hollyhock. It's me again.

And his good friend and roommate
and coworker, Mr. Peanutbutter!

It's our first day of work together!

I got your letter
and I haven't read it yet,

but I'm going to and...

It's really great to hear your voice...
your voicemail voice.

- Just give me a call. It's BoJack.
- [beeps]

- Ready to go?
- What about this breakfast?

We don't have time for that!
You can feed me while I drive, let's go!

- ♪ Precision... ♪
- [Todd] Oh, whoa!

- Easy. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop!
- [kids giggling]

Hey, Judah. I need your advice.

I'm trying to throw
a sophisticated adult party

to impress my parents

and I have no furniture
or sophisticated adult friends.

I'm alarmed. Do you not consider me
a sophisticated adult or a friend?

Judah, this is no time for one
of your famous Judah tantrums!

Sounds like you need to throw together
a scheme in a short amount of time.

In situations like this, I often think,

- "What would Todd do?"
- And?

He'd probably scour VIM's talent list

for underemployed actors,
tell them they've been hired

for a site-specific immersive
theater piece as cosmopolitan partygoers,

invite just enough real friends
to lend it an air of legitimacy

and raid the "Birthday Dad" set
for furniture.

That's brilliant!
Todd, I've done it again!

- Let's go, babies!
- [giggling]

Uh... Babies. Come on!

- [trunk trumpets]
- [giggling continues]

w*r.

And for what?

- A couple trophies? A parade?
- [BoJack groans]

No. Not for me.

Maybe I'm just a crazy,
old birthday person,

- but I think w*r is bad.
- [bell rings]

Great job, Mr. Peanutbutter.
You're changing hearts and minds.

Isn't this great? Working together?

For the next take,
can we get Dead Body Number Four

to face away from the camera?

- Oh! That's you!
- Yeah.

- Exciting!
- [grunts, groans]

[director] All the way away
from the camera.

[grunts, groans]

[muffled] I can't really breathe.

That's okay. Let's run it again.

- [screams]
- Cool dressing room.

And great work on that scene.

You really seemed like
a hollowed-out corpse.

Once animated by the fire of life,

now consumed by horror
and regret, and for what?

Great. You wanna get dinner?

Oh, I'd love to, buddy,
but I have like five more scenes to sh**t.

Oh. Of course, yeah.
I'll see you back at the house then?

Yeah. Oh! I'm probably going to head
right to Todd's fancy party after work.

Todd's having a fancy party?

Mr. Peanutbutter,
we're ready for the scene

where you help an American soldier
and a Taliban insurgent

realize they both have the same birthday.

- It's Christmas.
- Ugh.

[line ringing]

BoJack!

[Todd] Greetings, cast!

As you know,

you have been hired to play urbane,
civilized party guests.

So, if at any point tonight

a "member of the audience"
tries to talk to you,

please say one
of the three following phrases

that elegant adults say all the time:

"I'm starting to think smart phones
are actually making us less connected."

- Oh, yeah!
- "Well, that's politics for you!"

Or, "Sir, you cannot remove your shoes
inside this Applebee's."

[all] Ooh!

- Hey!
- Hello.

What's that?

It's a case of Ass-Jolt,
Pickles' favorite alcoholic energy drink.

I don't need them anymore.

- Oh, fish, I forgot a gift.
- You have two options.

This sourdough starter
or a haiku I wrote on a grain of rice

- and then suspended in a bottle.
- Uh...

Why don't we just say
they're both from both of us?

Yeah.

- [woman gasps] Ugh.
- And you don't wanna open it?

I'm not ready. As long as I don't read it,
she's still in my life.

It's good to have people that remind us
why we stay sober.

That's what my daughter is for me.

Here's your sandwich.
Chef made it just for you.

Hmph, hmph, hmph.

Okay, do I have a horn?

Because everybody keeps looking at me
like I'm some kind of freak.

Well, if you've got a horn,
you're the ugliest unicorn I ever saw.

You'd be kicked out of the unicorn kingdom

because you couldn't get a date
to the marshmallow cotillion.

Yeah, or because I snorted up
all the magic fairy glitter.

[deep voice] "This summer:
Dumbass Unicorn."

[chuckles] That's so stupid.
No, that's exactly what they'd do.

It would be like
"Nasty Unicorn: The Unicorn Who Parties."

[normal voice] Yeah, and his horn
is like a corkscrew,

and he tries to open a bottle of wine,
but it gets stuck,

so now he's got this wine bottle
on his head,

just dripping wine down his face,

- like... [grunting]
- [laughing]

"Nasty Unicorn.

He puts the 'U' in 'Eff you.'"

Okay, but it wouldn't be "Nasty Unicorn."
It would be "Horny Unicorn"!

Oh, sh*t, that's amazing.
Now we have to do it.

[chuckles] What do you mean "do it"?

The movie. You're the Horny Unicorn.
I'll direct. We're doing it.

Yeah. I'm not really the guy
people wanna see in movies right now.

Yeah, they don't wanna see you
be Secretariat or raising orphans.

But they will see you be a rude dude

who says all the things polite society
is too limp-dicked to say.

This is your way back in.
This is how you get that love back.

"The Horny Unicorn"?

Yeah, 'cause deep down, he's wounded.
He's misunderstood.

It's not his fault he's the way he is!

- And people are gonna see that!
- Yeah?

Yeah! He's like, "Hey, buddy!
I never asked to be the horny unicorn!

What? You think I like it that
I gotta jizz rainbows every 20 minutes

to keep my horn from going soft?"

[chuckles] I don't know.

Come on. I know you need the money.

When are you gonna stop
punishing yourself?

[video game noises]

Flip it. No, you gotta... [sighs]
Flip the thing. Flip it.

Hey, Sonny, do you know
where the advance copy of my book is?

Your stupid book about the mall?

Haven't seen it.
'Cause I would never even notice it.

- 'Cause it's for losers. Girl losers.
- [laughing]

You can just say losers.

Girls can be losers without specifying
that they're girls.

Will you let me know if you see it?
I need to get revisions to my publisher.

[chuckles] Sounds like a "you" problem.

[sniggering]

Girl loser.

- [piano music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]

- Hello.
- We're here for the party?

We brought a plant.

Uh, just one sec.

I'm starting to think smart phones
are actually making us less connected.

- They are!
- Well, that's politics for you.

- It is!
- Hey, man. Uh...

- What's going on?
- We're here for the party.

We brought a plant.

Look... [sighs] BoJack,
don't make me ask you to leave.

- You don't have to...
- Come on, dude. Let us in.

- This plant's heavy as tits.
- I don't want a whole thing here.

My mom is coming
and I haven't spoken to her in ten years,

and I can't risk anything happening.

What do you think is going to "happen"?

I don't know, man,
but something always happens with you

and usually I've been cool because I know
you're always dealing with your own sh*t,

but I can't risk it tonight.

I'm sober. Nothing is going to happen.

Yeah, bro, what do you think's gonna...
Oh, sh*t.

Ugh!

I'll see you around.

We spent like 30 bucks on that plant.

Yes, I have made mistakes. So, now what?
I'm just supposed to go away forever?

I'm sorry, but that's bullshit.

This is where you find out
who your real friends are.

Part of being sober is leaving behind
all the people

who can't stop seeing you as the person
who pissed in the fountain

- at my own daughter's sweet 16.
- Yeah?

You think you owe them something
because they tolerated you at your worst,

but these people enjoy seeing you fail
because it lets them feel superior.

They don't know how to process it
when you're no longer the huge screw-up

who h*jacked a Meals On Wheels van
to bring my friends to a strip club.

- I don't know...
- I do. You know what else I know?

You gotta go where the love is.

Yeah. Maybe.

That's why we gotta make "Horny Unicorn."

Because it's gonna make a billion dollars
and drive all those assholes crazy!

It would be good to have something
to keep me busy.

See? That's what I'm talking about!

- There he is! There's my Horn-corn!
- [phone buzzing]

- Ah, sh*t. My daughter's in trouble.
- What is it?

You mind if we swing by EWE.S.C.
real quick?

EWE.S.C.? I'm trying to keep
a low profile.

- I don't think a college campus...
- BoJack, this is my daughter, okay?

She's the one person I care about,
the one thing keeping me sober.

- Why do you need me to go with you?
- Unbelievable.

When everyone else abandoned you,
who was there for you?

When the world judged you
and ridiculed you?

And now, the one time
I need something from you...

Okay. I'm in.

Or as the horny unicorn would say,
"Am I in?"

Oh, you're in, baby!

[video game noises]

No. No. Come on, come on,
come on! Come on!

- What the hell, Diane?
- Ah! I'm working! I'm just taking a break.

- Oh, you found my book?
- Yeah, and it sucked. Totally unrealistic.

- You read my book?
- I've been reading it.

Obviously, I wasn't gonna say it
in front of my friends,

because it's a book for girl babies,
but anyways it didn't even make sense!

What do you mean?

Like, you say the book takes place
in Chicago, but Ivy lives in Schaumburg.

Schaumburg, Diane?
Schaumburg's not Chicago.

It's in the Chicago metropolitan...

Oh, my God, what's next?!
Evanston, Chicago?

Morton Grove, Chicago?
Naperville, Chicago?

- That's what you sound like!
- Okay, it's not too late to change it.

Good. And while you're at it,

- I've got some other questions.
- Yeah?

Like, okay. When Ivy told Moose
that he wasn't her best friend anymore

and Moose said,
"You're still my best friend

whether you like it or not..." [sniffs]

- was that real?
- What do you mean?

Like, did that really happen,

that someone could be
someone's best friend still

even when they're disappointed in them?

Um, yeah, Sonny, that's real.

Okay. And you know how Ivy
kept her dad's watch in her locker

because even though he wasn't around
she still knew that he loved her?

- Was that real, too?
- Well, the book is fiction.

Yeah, no, I get it, I just...
parts of it felt real, you know?

Yeah. I know.

It's cool that you wrote a book.
I mean, I think girls are gonna like it.

Especially girls who, like,
don't have good self-esteem.

- I hope so.
- So, when's the next one coming out?

Just in case you need me to check it
for other mistakes, you know. [sniffs]

Well, if I get started right away,
it should be out by next fall.

- Cool. You gotta flip it.
- Oh, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

- Jagger! Jagger!
- Shh, shh.

Hey, hey, hey, keep it down maybe?

Oh, my God, Dad,
is this seriously happening?

- Why are you here?
- You knew what you were doing

when you liked
your mother's Instagram post

of her on the beach
with her new boyfriend.

- What?
- It was a good picture!

That's why we're here?

Every month,
you get five Instagram likes on my account

and five on your mother's account.

You heard what the judge mandated!

Hey, man, let's just go. Okay?
People are starting to...

- Are you BoJack Horseman?
- No.

- Yeah, you are.
- NoJack.

Were you trying to get my attention?
'Cause you got it now, baby!

- Dad!
- The story got picked up by TMZ!

You're ruining my life!

You're making me look like
a real cuck, Jagger.

I'm getting cucked by my own daughter!

You don't even know what that word means!

I just want you to know,

- I think you got a real bum deal.
- Oh, yeah?

You got massively sandbagged
in that interview, bro.

- You were trying to apologize.
- Thank you.

Everything these days is all
"patriarchy" this and "male gaze" that.

And, well, I think it's cool
you're pushing back against that.

Well, no, I'm not pushing back.

No, Bo, I'm saying it's cool.
You can relax here. This is a safe space.

- Okay.
- You're embarrassing me!

Oh, yeah? How's this for embarrassing?

Your last spon-con post for L'Oréal?
It came off as disingenuous!

[gasps] You know I love my wide array
of L'Oréal products!

From game days with the gals
to cram sessions at the creamery,

L'Oréal gives me the confidence
to shine my brightest!

Do you wanna come back to Delta House?

I think those guys
would be super-stoked to meet you.

- They'd be stoked?
- Super-stoked.

All right, let's get out of here.

My daughter sucks, which is surprising
because I did such a good job raising her.

Let's make one more stop.

- Hey! Looking good!
- Well, that's politics for you!

[phone buzzes, beeps]

- Hello?
- Your mother isn't feeling well.

She's still recovering from her surgery.

Oh.

Does that mean you're not coming
to my refined, upscale party

that I totally didn't just throw together
only to impress you?

I'm sorry, uh, no.
But thank you for inviting us.

Jorge, I'm trying to connect to her.

I know. Please keep trying.

[beeps]

I'm starting to think that smart phones
are actually making us less connected.

And then I passed out in the pool.
Sploosh!

Luckily, Lindsay Lohan was there
to perform CPR.

She still credits me for being the reason
she got sober... that time.

[chuckles] Wow.

- Who's Lindsay Lohan?
- She's a celebrity from the olden days.

Olden days? Jesus.

Hey, look, buddy, I gotta go.

I'm gonna walk this co-ed back
to her room.

'Cause, you know, there's pervs out there.

Are you serious?
You're supposed to be my sponsor.

So, what, I gotta hang out
with you all the time?

Relax, okay? I'll call you tomorrow,
we'll set up "Horny Unicorn."

Enjoy your people.

Okay.

- [camera shutter clicks]
- Hey, man. Hey! No pictures!

- Delete that.
- Come on.

Hey, no. You come on.
I'm not here to be your cool story later.

Okay, sorry.

I shouldn't be here.

[bottle clinks]

[line ringing]

[female voice] The number you are trying
to reach has been disconnected.

Goodbye.

What?

[gasps, exhales]

Huh.

[sighs]

[indistinct chatter]

[camera shutter clicks]

[camera shutter clicks]

[camera shutters click]

♪ Back in the '90s
I was in a very famous TV show ♪

- ♪ I'm BoJack the Horseman ♪
- ♪ BoJack ♪

♪ BoJack the Horseman
Don't act like you don't know ♪

♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪

♪ It's been so long
I don't think I'm gonna last ♪

♪ I guess I'm just trying
To make you understand ♪

♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪

- ♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪
- ♪ BoJack ♪