06x14 - Angela

[bunniefuu]

- [elevator dings]
- [men laughing]

And that's the end of a sexist,
fatphobic anecdote

in which I was so desperate
to get out of the rain,

- I slept with a plus-sized woman.
- [laughter continues]

[woman] Hold the door.

- Oh! Did I miss a meeting?
- No, Angela.

We took Davey here out
for a big '90s-style birthday party,

it being the '90s and all...

I would have come!
I love the '90s, and it being them.

Come on, the president of the network
shouldn't fraternize with the board.

Let your number two handle that stuff.

- [elevator dings]
- [laughter continues]

I don't like you going to birthday parties
behind my back, Teddy.

I was doing reconnaissance for you!

You didn't hear it from me,

but there's some concern
that as a single career gal, you're,

- well, a single career gal.
- And?

ABC's supposed to be
a family network.

I understand families.

Uh-huh.

Does he?

Oh, Herb. [sighs]

[Herb] I'm sorry, okay?

It's called discretion, Herb.

We're trying to sell
the network to Disney.

Disney? You think Michael Eisner
gives a hoot who I go to bed with?

We don't need to bring Eisner into this.

Obviously,
Michael Eisner is a compassionate

and progressive individual.

This isn't about him.

- So, it's you. Just say it's you.
- No. You're the one...

If you're going to fire me,
at least have the balls to fire me.

- You're fired.
- Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think you can do
"Horsin' Around" without me?

We could do it without anybody.
All we need is the horse.

And that horse is just gonna go along
with you canning his best friend?

You want BoJack to betray me,
you're gonna need one hell of a pitch.

Okay.

[theme music playing]

- [inhales, sighs]
- [knocking on door]

- Mr. Horseman, you're invited to set?
- Thank you.

- The set of "Horny Unicorn"?
- Yes, I'm aware.

To sh**t a scene
in which the titular horny unicorn

gets his penis stuck in a saxophone,

because he was hoping to "get blown"?

I know the scene, thank you.

[slurps, gulps]

Ah.

[phone rings, beeps]

Hello?

- BoJack, this is Angela Diaz.
- Huh?

We met once before.

I remember.

I saw your interview several months back.
It made me nostalgic.

Me too. Nostalgic for the day
before I did the interview.

Oh, yes, humor. [chuckles]

If you're free tonight, you could come by
the house, watch the fire, reminisce.

There's something
I've been meaning to ask you.

- What?
- Wouldn't you love to find out?

Uh...

So, the Stephen King musical opened
right next door to the Sondheim revival.

We have clients in both.
I was worried there'd be tension,

but it turns out Misery loves Company.

Judah, are you in a band?

Why do you ask that?

I've always wondered if you were in a band
ever since this afternoon

when I overheard Juniper tell Stuart
that you were in a band.

You're playing a gig tonight,
and the whole office is going.

I was planning to invite you,
but didn't want you to feel obligated.

- We're not good.
- [phone ringing]

Lenny! How the shell are you?

I got trouble, PC!

You know Teddy Buttons,
my head of production?

I'm familiar with Teddy.

I somehow missed that Teddy has spent
the last 20 years showing women his...

I'm familiar.

See, that's why I love you.
You're discreet.

- You're tough. You're Teflon.
- That's me, an old frying pan.

I could use someone who can
handle the heat over here.

Someone who can be more
professional and less... Moonves.

What are you saying?

I want you to run Turteltaub's
new female-focused studio division,

- Girtletaub!
- I didn't sneeze.

No, Girtletaub is the studio.

I wanna announce a slate
before the Teddy story hits the trades.

You think you can throw one together?

You want me to pitch
my dream movie studio?

I need it tomorrow morning. We gotta hit
the ground running with this thing.

[stammers] You don't wanna
go slow and steady?

- What am I, a tortoise?
- [phone beeps]

Hmm.

Get me box office numbers.

We need firm financial figures to frame

how fans flock
to flicks that flex chicks,

woman films,
like Pretty, Wonder, Little.

Diary of a Mad Black.
I'll get my laptop.

Oh, wait! Your gig.

I have time. This is important.
When a Man Loves a...

- What?
- That's another film title,

as we were discussing previously.

Oh, of course.

Mm.

[phone rings, beeps]

- Hey, Guy, I'm about to...
- Diane.

Am I wearing a T-shirt right now that says
"Treat me like I'm some kind of assh*le"?

I can't see you right now,
but I'm guessing by your tone, no?

Then why is my ex-wife treating me
like I'm some kind of assh*le?

Did you tell her
you weren't wearing the shirt?

Lady got a job in Houston.

She's taking Sonny out of school
and moving to Texas.

She can't do that!

Well, she can,
because she has full custody.

And this is her dream job, and I'm really
happy for her. But this sucks!

Well, they must need cameramen
in Houston, and I can write anywhere...

I... couldn't ask you to do that.

I wouldn't ask you to ask.

If Sonny's going to Houston,
then we're going.

Okay. Okay. All right. Houston.
Uh, g-go, Astros!

Go... rodeos!

Hope you like barbecue!

I hope I don't need another abortion
because they are hard to get there!

- Wait, what?
- Just trying to think of Texas things.

Sorry. Houston!

All day at the airport,
I watch people pull suitcases.

Why do we suffer
that extra weight dragging us down?

Because we need clean clothes.

The point is: helium luggage.

Why pack light
when you can pack lighter than air?

All right, so Mom's too sick
to come out of her room

but not too sick
to make her famous Frito pie?

Well, she wanted to see you.

She was fine all day
and then suddenly ill with a stomach bug.

I wanna see her.

No, no, no, no, she's not there!
She's at the Zumba.

Is she at Zumba or is she sick?

She is sick but was hoping
the Afro-Latin fusion beats

- would make her feel better.
- [sighs]

This was a mistake.

- [car alarm chirps]
- [Todd] Hmm.

Todd, I must confess to you,
your mother is not at Zumba.

I can see her in the window.

Oh! That's a mannequin
so I can test out my outfits.

- You're lying again!
- [sighs]

Okay. She didn't come to dinner
because she's ashamed.

She can't say hello?
The woman has my kidney!

And that's why she's ashamed.

A mother shouldn't owe her child her life.

If she could turn it around somehow,
save your life...

- But, alas, she cannot.
- Huh.

But maybe if she could...
but no, you’re obviously healthy.

- But if you weren't...
- [gasps]

- But you are.
- Hmm.

- Clearly there is nothing to be done.
- Hmm.

[coughs] Ugh.

[inhales, sighs]

[clears throat]

- [Angela] Hey.
- Wha...

Aren't you the horse
from "Horsin' Around"?

[chuckles] Mm.

[grunts]

Look at this thing.
I fell down one time and I'm an invalid.

- Word to the wise, BoJack, don't get old.
- I'll see what I can do about that.

My 40-year-old companion
treats me like a fragile antique.

I've got a Lamborghini Miura
and she won't even let me drive it.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Anyway, I wanted to say I'm sorry.

Uh...

Yeah?

I'm sorry that at the '94 upfronts
we made you do that stupid BoJack dance.

Oh. Is that why you wanted
to see me tonight?

No. You're tall.
I need you to reach a box.

"Melanie, good luck with your braces.
I think they look cool."

Huh?

Mr. Peanutbutter?

Oh.

Uh...

- ♪ Who's that dog? ♪
- ♪ Mr. Peanutbutter! ♪

- Diane!
- You wrote a memoir?

Oh, yeah! I had the idea a few months ago,
then one weekend it just fell out of me.

- What?
- From the way people talk about writing,

I always assumed it was very difficult,

but it turns out it's not at all,
literally anyone can do it!

Yes, that's always been my experience.

I loved your new book, by the way.

- Thanks.
- I'm happy for you, Diane.

Even though it's really easy
to write a book,

it's still an accomplishment
to be proud of.

- I am.
- And how's Chicago?

Are you a Chicagoan yet?
You know, I went to school in Chicago.

You went to Northwestern.
That's not in Chicago.

Ah! You are a Chicagoan!

I'm actually about to move to Houston.

In New York? Oh, I think there
they pronounce it "Hose-town."

No, Texas. My boyfriend and I are going.

Oh, wow! Boyfriend.

- Yeah.
- That's fantastic.

I wanna hear all about him.
I assume he's a good guy?

He's actually the best Guy.

His girlfriend looks nice.
He seems healthy.

What... What's his job?

I think he runs a daycare,

but he talks about the babies
as if they're his co-workers,

so it's impossible to know for sure.

- I should have been there.
- We'll try again.

- [phone rings]
- Oh!

- Hello?
- [woman] Listen up, Helen.

I've kidnapped your son
and I demand a ransom or I will...

- [whispers] Next card?
- [grunts]

"m*rder him!"

Oh, no! Todd's gonna get m*rder*d
by a fearsome stranger

whose sage, buttery voice simultaneously
comforts me and fills me with dread.

Sounds like a lot of range
for a kidnapper.

Who are you and what do you want?

"I'm your worst nightmare and I want
one hundred of your famous Frito pies."

Yes. Anything!

"Under the Hyperion Street Bridge
in one hour."

That was perfect! Thank you, Margo!

It's the least I can do.

Getting you to buy
that addictive video game

was the act that set me down
this ruinous path so many years ago.

If I can make things right by you,

maybe there's hope yet
for this wretched soul.

Okay!

[groaning]

Open it.

- Whoa.
- The studio went all-out.

They even found your original screen test.

That's incredible.

Too bad no one will ever see it.

After your interview,
we couldn't give these things away.

Oh, right. Sure.

It was a great show.

It would be a shame
for it to be forgotten now.

Maybe it's for the best.

I just feel so bad for Sarah Lynn.
She was so good.

It's tragic
she won't be remembered for it.

Well, nothing we can do
about it now, right?

[groans]

[clicks tongue, sighs]

I've completed a projection
for female-led films over five years.

It's encouraging but vague until I get
the specifics of your dream slate.

I don't know what that is!
I don't remember my dreams.

Did I ever even have dreams? [sighs]

If you leave now,
you can still make your show.

My job is to be here when you are.

No. Don't give your whole life
to this job,

because if you do, someday someone
will finally ask you what you want

and you'll realize
you don't even know anymore.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry to miss it.

You missing it
will make eye contact easier tomorrow.

[chuckles]

Gronkle has been re-cutting
old episodes of The Cosby Show

to take out all the Cosby scenes.

- They call it "The Show."
- Huh.

They wanna try something similar
with "Horsin' Around."

So, it'll just be "Around"?

It'll just be around eight minutes
an episode,

which is perfect
for today's ADD-addled youth.

It's about three precocious orphans

living without any adult supervision,

who learn that wisdom and guidance
can be found everywhere.

It's all "around."

Well, sounds like
you got it all figured out.

- What do you need me for?
- Your backend.

Nobody's going to watch the show

if they think
you're still profiting off it.

- I need that money now more than ever.
- We want to buy you out.

A one-time payment and then
you're divorced from the show forever.

[inhales] Oof.

Do it for Sarah Lynn.

Doesn't she deserve more

than to be remembered
as the girl you k*lled?

[sighs]

Have you seen the episodes
without me in them?

- Mm-hmm.
- And they're good?

If you sign that document, you won't need
to worry about that ever again.

[sighs] Good, let's drink.

I'm fine with my water, thanks.

You're not fooling anyone
with that water bottle.

Let me fix you a real drink.

One.

Wow, this is a huge crowd for us.
Is everyone from your office here?

[sighs]

Not everyone.

Judah, obviously
I was speaking figuratively.

[sighs]

[keyboard clacking]

[groans]

[woman] Hi, we are
Spectrum of Enchantment.

Our lead singer had to go back to work...

- What?
- ...so we'll be playing

all of the instrumental
versions of our songs. So...

Whoo!

- Instrumentals!
- [scoffs]

[upbeat music playing]

♪ Now boys and girls
If you wanna do the BoJack ♪

♪ Take your hands
Put them up on your lower back ♪

♪ Take your circle and strut and strut
Wiggle your hips and jiggle your... ♪

- Uh-oh!
- Whoo!

♪...troubles and pull up your pants
That's how you do the BoJack dance! ♪

[laughing]

- Brilliant!
- [music stops]

Yeah, but no one wants
to do the BoJack now. [grunts]

It's funny. I remember a time
when I was scared you'd leave the show.

Who'd have thought
one day I'd be asking you to?

[grunting]

When were you scared
that I'd leave the show?

Oh, Herb was gay and I had to convince you
to let us fire him.

- Let you?
- You probably don't even remember,

but I had this whole speech
I practiced in the mirror.

I was terrified
you were going to call my bluff.

Bluff? All this time, I thought
there was nothing I could have done...

I guess I bluffed good!

- I'm not taking your stupid deal.
- No! You signed!

[both grunting]

- Stop, you idiot! [grunts]
- No.

No! Why should I give you what you want?
You took everything from me.

My job was on the line.
You have no idea...

Every stupid decision I made,
every bad thing that has ever happened,

- it all started because of you.
- Grow up.

You play these games, "if I hadn't
done this, if I wasn't so that,"

but you did and you were and here we are.

I can't... I...

Here we are!
Because we did what we had to do.

So, what do you have to do now?

[pants]

[exhales]

Oh, God.

That's right.

Now, another drink?

[sighs]

[sighs]

- [siren blares in distance]
- [Todd grunts]

Please! Don't hurt him!

- Boy dies if you don't got the pies.
- [panting]

We have them. Jorge? Go! Go!

Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey!
We should have boxed them!

- [Helen and Todd] No!
- [Margo yelling]

Please don't hurt him.
I never got to make it right.

I've ruined my chance...

Spare me the deets.
I just want the freets.

- Frito pies, that is.
- Oh!

No! Stop! [pants, exhales]

- Mom! Mom!
- Helen? Are you all right?

It's okay. It's not real. I'm fine!
It's a classic Todd shenanigan!

But how would you know what that is?

I think my wife is having a heart att*ck.

That's Margo Martindale, the actress!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

I was too convincing!
Oh, if only I wasn't so good at acting!

It's funny, isn't it?
The things that matter?

The truth is none of it matters

and the truth is it all matters
tremendously.

It's a wonder any of us
ever get out of bed at all.

And yet, we get out of bed.

I'm going home.

[groans, inhales]

- What are you doing?
- I'm taking your car.

- What?
- You're not using it.

Someone should get some pleasure out
of something in this sad, stupid world.

Consider it a signing bonus.

Ugh.

[grunts] And I'm taking these.

But the lazy Susans
turned out to be very problematic.

- Why?
- Offensive to Susans.

There was a protest
organized by Susan Sarandon.

Oh, no!

Not that many Susans showed up.
You know what they say about Susans.

They're lazy?

Suddenly you're desperately seeking them.

Anyway, I don't know
how we got talking about me for so long.

You were gonna tell me
about your boyfriend. It's good?

It's really good. When I'm with him,

I feel like I'm part of an "us," you know?

Like, every other relationship, I always
felt like a "me" in a relationship.

Does that make sense?

Uh, yeah. That makes sense.

Sorry. I-I didn't realize
I was doing that.

I've always tried to be
an "us" with people

even when I could see
it wasn't a good idea.

Now that I'm single, I feel like
I'm finally learning how to be a "me."

That's great.

I know there were times you would
try to tell me something

and instead of listening,
I just tried to fix it

or convince you there wasn't a problem.

I shouldn't have done that.

We're all doing our best.

- I wanna know now.
- Know what?

Tell me what it's like to be Diane.

Okay. When you're Diane,

you can live your whole life
like it's a puzzle,

put together
from the pieces of different sets.

Like a crossover puzzle?

Exactly.

Your whole life is full
of these pieces that don't quite fit.

Sounds like a hard puzzle.

But at some point,
you start to think it's you.

You're the piece that doesn't quite fit.

And you spend so long with that feeling
that the feeling becomes your home.

And it can be jarring
when you discover one day

that you suddenly
don't feel that way anymore.

At first, you don't trust it.

But then, gradually, you do.

I'm sorry. That was a weird thing
to be telling my ex-husband.

No.

- I'm really happy for you, Diane.
- It's funny.

I feel like if we met each other
as the people we are now,

things would be totally different with us.

Yeah, but if we hadn't met
each other until now,

we wouldn't be the people we are now.

Yeah.

Two equally accomplished book writers.

Uh-huh.

- [roars, laughs]
- [screams]

You suffered an anxiety att*ck.

I'd encourage you to avoid
stressful situations like, uh,

fake kidnappings under abandoned bridges.

Okay, paperwork time.

You seem like a fellow who enjoys
unnecessary bureaucracy.

I do, Doctor.

Mm, was that the bridge
where they sh*t Grease?

- Yeah!
- That's neat.

Todd, I'm so sorry!

Oh, no, I know you didn't mean to...

I thought kicking you out
was the right thing.

You were 18.
You had dropped out of high school.

You were always high.
You only wore flip-flops.

- You never showered.
- You don't have to list everything.

I wanted you to grow up,
not leave forever.

Then more and more time passed
and I didn't know how to make it right.

Truth is, I did grow up. Your plan worked.

I haven't had a mom for so long, I...
I don't really need one anymore.

Oh. So, what do we do now?

Well, I do have one idea.

- What?
- A big robot suit like in Aliens,

but for babies
so they can do grown-up things!

- That sounds dangerous.
- Yeah, I guess it is.

But maybe the robots could be powered

by energy generated
from sucking on pacifiers.

That is so smart! Babies love sucking
and right now it's just wasted energy!

[Margo's voice] And so you see,
the circle had become complete.

All the twists and turns had all been
part of a beautiful tapestry,

a grander mission to bring this boy
and his mother together again.

That's quite a story.
But you've k*lled a lot of people.

- Margo Martindale, you're going to pris...
- [woman] Wait!

You can't send her to jail before
she gets to act in one of my movies!

Indie filmmaker Nicole Holofcener?

I find it hard to believe Margo Martindale
has never appeared in your work.

It's true! And I need her to play
the mother of the poetry student

Catherine Keener has an affair with
in my new film, "Classroom Warfare."

Ooh! Can I, Mr. Judge? Please?

Damn, that does sound good.

Okay, you're free to go.

Yee-haw!

[brakes squeak]

Come on. Open. Open! Open up! [grunts]

God. Where's my stupid...

- [tires screech]
- [crashes]

[groans] Why is everything so difficult?

Have it your way, door.

Todd! How come we never go swimming?

This is terrible.

Well, hello.

Who put pills in my house?

Judah, you were supposed to have
the night off! Your hair is so long!

- I'd rather be here.
- [sighs]

I know.

Would you think I was an idiot
if I didn't go work for Turteltaub?

I would never think you were an idiot.

This slate we're putting together...
[stammers]

We could get some financiers
and do it ourselves, right?

If there's one thing I know
about this business,

it's never underestimate
what Princess Carolyn can do by herself.

Well, not all by myself.

Well... [chuckles]

I've got the babysitter 'til 11:00.
We might as well keep working, right?

- How can I help?
- Why don't you play me one of your songs?

♪ I strive for precision ♪

♪ My aim is to be accurate and clear ♪

♪ I don't say things
I don't know to be true ♪

♪ So believe me
When I tell you I love you ♪

♪ I don't write good love songs ♪

♪ I'm not adept with metaphors or rhymes ♪

♪ I just want to describe
The things I know ♪

♪ And the only thing I know
Is that I love you ♪

♪ Please believe me when I tell you ♪

I love you, Princess Carolyn.

Mm.

["Horsin' Around" jingle plays]

[groans]

What are you so happy about?

[remote clicking]

- BoJack Horseman. Six-foot-five.
- [Herb] All right. Whenever you're ready.

A mustard sandwich?

We may be orphans
but leave us our dignity.

[Herb] Uh, BJ, that's Ethan's line.

Oh, right. Uh...

Orphans, huh?

What am I supposed to feed you?

- All right, stop. You're nervous.
- Oh.

- Forget the script.
- Okay.

We're gonna do that movie that you're
always making me watch. You know...

You have to answer
for the chimpanzee, Tino.

No, Mickey, you got it all wrong!

So, where'd all the bananas go?

The chimp's dead, Tino. So's the bonobo.

Who you been monkeyin' around with?

I can't do it anymore!
It was the marmoset!

Good. Perfect.
Now look at the red dot. Go!

What am I supposed to feed you?
I have mustard.

A mustard sandwich?

We may be orphans
but leave us our dignity.

Well, I can't fix you a martini.

Hey, wait! I have olives! [sniffs]

Nope. Not olives.

- Perfect!
- Yeah? You, you think we got it?

Buckle up, buddy,
your life is about to start.

[chuckles]

[static crackles]

♪ Ch-ka, ch-ka, ch-ka, ch-ka, ch-ka, ah ♪

♪ Ch-ka, ch-ka, ch-ka, ch-ka, ch-ka
BoJack ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, yeah! ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Now, boys and girls
If you wanna do the BoJack ♪

♪ Take your hands
And put them on your lower back ♪

♪ Walk in a circle and strut and strut ♪

♪ Wiggle your hips
And jiggle your... uh-oh! ♪

♪ Push away your troubles
And pull up your pants ♪

♪ And that's how you do
The BoJack dance! ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[horse neighs]