02x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

[ominous music playing]

[Mae gasps, groans]

[gasps]

Mae?

Mae?

- Mae?
- [gasps]

Ah, f*ck.

- Sorry.
- [breathes deeply]

You were having a nightmare.

You kept saying, um, Scott.

Who's Scott?

He's my... my friend.

He's my old roommate.
Oh my God, that was so f*cked up.

[breathes deeply]

Do you want to talk about it?

Nah, it's okay.

I do need to talk to you, though.

There's kind of a problem
in our relationship.

What?

George,

you know I'm a vampire,
which means I'm immortal,

and you're just, like...

a normal human girl.

Look, I'm not stupid. Okay?

I know you're years old
and I'm in high school.

I just want to lose my virginity
on prom night.

- [Mae growls]
- [laughs]

[upbeat music playing]

- [knocking on door]
- Come in.

[Mae] Hi.

Hi. What seems to be the problem?

I've had this headache for like a week
and I cannot get rid of it.

Okay. If you just pop your knickers off,
then we'll see what we can do.

[vibrating]

Your water should be working now,
Mrs. Abernathy,

and hopefully it's to your liking
and to your satisfaction as well.

- Thank you. You're a lifesaver.
- It's part of the job.

Oh no. I seem to have misplaced my wallet.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I would ask my husband,
but he's away on business.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, but...

I'm certain we can come to some kind of...

mutually beneficial arrangement.

Oh my.

Whoa.

My Lord, the enemy advances
and still there's no sign of the king.

I am your king now, Stephen,

and it is time for you
to prove your devotion to the crown.

Mae, are we... are we alone?

[Mae] Uh, yeah, I'm in here.

[groans]

- [turns on vibrator]
- [moans]

Ripley? Ripley?

The alien. It got out of the lab,
and it's up my ass.

You need to help me get it out
because I can feel the alien vibrating

- up my ass...
- [party horn blowing]

- [George gasps]
- [all] Surprise!

- [vibration continues]
- [whimpers]

[moans]

Happy birthday, dude.

George, who are these strange people?

[dance music playing]

Uh, that's Phil, Mae's parents,
and Clocky Powers.

...the student playing Mr. Mistoffelees
gets stage fright.

So Joyce turns to me
and she goes, "Clocky,

you're the only one who can do it.
You can hit a high C,

and you've got perfect rhythm."

Okay, that's enough. Mae,
can you point us at someone else please?

Where are your actual friends?
Binky and Hugh.

I've outgrown them.

[inhales deeply]

Oh, you say that now.

What happens
when you and Mae break up again?

- Mum!
- I'm not saying I want that.

I hope you'll be together forever.

But when you do break up
a long time from now...

- [sighs]
- ...you need proper friends to fall back on.

Why are you saying all this?

I threw myself into my marriage,
and when your father buggered off,

I had no chums left.

- My best friend was you.
- Aw.

- Which is pathetic.
- Right.

Call Binky, darling.
Honestly, this is just no good.

I haven't seen my dad in like years.

[scoffs]

It's my fault he left.

Dear boy, I'm sure it wasn't.

Malcolm, we don't know.
Maybe it was his fault.

[exhales]

I miss my friends.

What?

I said, I miss my friends,
like Binky and Hugh.

[sighs]

Oh man. But I thought
they made you feel sad and scared.

Yeah, I know.

Ugh. But she's...
she's like a sister to me, really.

Like a rude, cunty, obnoxious sister.

I just threw them all in the bin.

I really miss them.

- I think I want to invite them round.
- Okay. All right.

Well... [clears throat]

I don't have to be here.
I can find somewhere to go.

- and like be out of the house.
- No, no, no. Mae, Mae.

I really want you there.

I've learned so much about
being like... like a proper active ally,

and it would be so different this time.

Like, you and I are so great now.

Like, we could invite them
around for dinner

and show them
how expl*sive our vibe is right now.

I could meet
some of your friends from Canada, too.

Maybe.

Great.

Now if you could just...

[romantic music playing]

[Mae] My agent says I need
to build up an hour of new material,

and right now all I have
is six minutes, and it's about sloths.

Sloths. Really skewering the zeitgeist.

- [chuckles]
- Who you talking to?

- Oh, Scott. Um, I'll go in the other room.
- Hi.

Hey.

Um, this is George.

I know it is. How you doing?
How you coping living with Mae?

Yeah, it's great. It's great.

I mean, she keeps me awake
'cause she talks in her sleep.

You gotta roll her on her side
when she does that.

To be honest, I spent
a lot of time sleeping on the couch.

- Anyways.
- It's so nice to meet you.

Maybe sometime you can visit Canada.
I can show you all the landmarks,

like the hot dog stand
where a homeless guy threw an onion at me.

Yeah, that sounds really great.
Um, I have to go and get ready.

- It was really nice to meet you, Scott.
- Yeah.

She's hot, Mae.
Skype me next time you're making out.

- Ugh!
- [Scott] I'm kidding. Hey, listen, kid.

I'm really glad we're talking again.
It's awesome.

Yeah. Well, you're important to me.

Yeah, you too.

And you'd, um, you'd say
that if anyone asked, right?

- Huh?
- Like, okay, so this is not a big deal,

but there's this psycho woman
who's been calling around to people

saying sh*t about me.

What kinda sh*t? I'll k*ll her.

I don't know. She's crazy,
and she probably won't call you,

but if she does, you'd tell her
that you and I are cool, right?

- I mean, yeah?
- [Scott] I mean, tell her the truth.

That we love each other,
and the past is in the past

and we're friends now, right?

Yeah. Okay.

Cool. Okay, listen, I gotta go.
Love you, loser. Go make out with George.

Love you, too. Okay. Bye.

[vacuuming]

[turns off vacuum cleaner]

Hey, have I misunderstood something?
Was Scott your roommate or your boyfriend?

Do the details really matter?

Why don't I put this vacuum up your butt?

You said you were living together
for what, like two years.

Mae, seriously.
How... How old were you?

- How old was he?
- [doorbell rings]

- sh*t, that's them.
- f*ck.

Does this look okay?
My dad'll be here any second.

- Your dad is coming here?
- You found your dad?

Yes, dude.
I've been trying to talk to you about it.

I'm freaking out. I need your support.

Where is my pestle and mortar?

Ah.

- [doorbell ringing]
- Okay.

- Um...
- Okay. All right. I'll get it.

Hey, Mae. Uh, listen,

I've... I've got your back today.

Okay? I do. But can you promise
you'll make an effort?

Please? Like just don't act weird.

[scoffs]

[snorts, laughs]

Of course I'm not gonna act weird.

I... I firstly wanted to apologize
for the way that I pushed you guys away.

No, no. No need for that. Thanks.
Jesus. So you're godmother, yes?

Yeah. Yes. Yeah, if you'll have me.

Great. Shall I get wine?

- I'm allowed one glass.
- Mmm.

Apologize for what?

So you both live here.

[laughing] This is so fascinating.

I've never been to a house
inhabited by ladies of your persuasion.

- But I'm not a lady.
- Well, what are you?

I'm an anemic scarecrow.

Let's eat, shall we?

How's pregnancy?

It's the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.

How are you guys?

We're great, actually. Yeah, great.

Yeah, we've been boning
pretty much non-stop.

Okay, you don't need to tell...

We've done things to each other's bodies

that it actually frightens me
to think about.

George is a perfect angel
sent from heaven.

- [laughing] George isn't perfect.
- She's pretty close.

I'm sorry,
but have you smelled George's farts?

- They're like angry dogs.
- [friends laugh]

I don't... I don't fart.
I've never... never farted.

[laughing] I once slept
next to George's ass at a festival,

and when I woke up,
I was sick into a bag of kettle chips.

- [friends laugh]
- [Binky] How do you not know this?

- George's farts are notorious.
- [George] Okay.

Babe. Do you remember in Mykonos
when we both peed in the bathtub,

and you farted out hot sewage?

[laughing]

- You peed in front of Binky?
- [Binky] What?

You haven't peed in front of each other?

God. The other day
I was too pregnant to get out of bed,

and Hugh just held a mug for me
and I peed into that.

Have you honestly been holding
your farts in for a whole year?

That could do serious damage
to your large intestine, buttercup.

[phone vibrating]

Um, I'll be right back.

[clears throat]

Can you stop talking about my farts?

Hello?

[woman speaking indistinctly on phone]

Yes. Yeah, this is Mae.

I do. Yeah, I know Scott.

[woman continues]

[tense music playing]

[exhales]

Well...

Yeah, I'm sorry that you had
that experience with him.

When... When was this?

[chaotic music playing]

[breathing heavily]

[pills rattling]

[cabinet door closes]

[gulping]

[friends laughing]

[George] Oh, okay.

This one... This is one for you, Hugh.

Which hormone brings on contractions
during labor?

Is it spunk?

- [all laughing]
- What?

- Wow. Father of the year.
- [laughing stops]

So, Mae, I saw your comedy set online.

I really liked the bit
where you talk about wanting to be a boy.

[laughing] It's actually really funny.

Mmm. Yeah, I'm glad
you find my pain hilarious.

Well yeah, it's comedy.
Isn't that the point?

[laughing]

[mock laughs]

Sorry. Is there something
you want to say to me?

Um, yeah, okay.

Uh, I think you're h*m*.

How am I h*m*?

- Jared, what is the world's fastest fish?
- [Binky] No. Go on.

- How am I h*m*?
- Well...

I've been nothing but nice to you.
I welcomed you into my house.

You never even asked
a single question about me.

Binky, I think we need to acknowledge
Mae's discomfort

and accept there's some residual damage
caused by my bad behavior and move on.

So with that in mind, can anybody tell me
the date of the summer solstice?

I'm sure Binky can.

They probably teach it as a whole unit

at St. Honkington School
for the Super Elite Rich.

Excuse me, you know nothing
about me. [gasps]

Sorry, I just felt something.

Oh my God. [laughs]
Binks, did you just jizz?

I don't mean to alarm everyone,
but I'm having the baby now.

- Oh, f*ck!
- Oh my God.

Maybe I should leave.
Thank you for a wonderful afternoon.

Jared, shut up. Hugh, get the car started.

Oh f*ck, sh*t, oh f*ck.
I f*cked up already. I'm drunk.

So am I.

- I drank a bottle of mouthwash.
- You what?

Well, I'm sober as a mouse.
I've been on the old pink lemonade.

- You drive.
- Okay.

But I don't have a driver's license.

Phil?

- [door opens]
- Phil, oh God.

Phil, Binky's gone into labor early.
You need to drive us to the hospital.

I... I can't leave.
My dad'll be here any second.

When did he say he'd be here?

He didn't. I... I just left him a voicemail.

What? You didn't even speak to him?
Phil, he's not coming.

- But what if he shows up?
- [Binky] Drive me to the f*cking hospital!

George, you're next to me.
Hugh, make sure Phil doesn't crash.

- [Binky groaning]
- [George] Just breathe.

- Excuse me, where am I gonna sit?
- Sorry, no, you're not coming.

I don't need her judging my vag*na
for being too posh.

What?

Mae, what is going on?

- Okay. Did you really drink mouthwash?
- I drank a whole bottle.

What? You're making drama
where there is none.

Don't leave me here.
I don't wanna be alone at the house.

- You said you'd have my back.
- Okay. All right.

Mae is coming to the hospital
and that's the end of it. Okay?

- Jared, get in the boot.
- Aye, aye, Captain.

This is a really safe space. Okay?
So if you need anything, just let me know.

[grunts]

What if I need
to have sex at the hospital?

- Really?
- Might be fun.

- Yeah, okay. That's fit.
- [groaning]

Excuse me?
Could someone pay attention to me?

All right. Let's make a baby, boys.

[screaming]

- It hurts! It f*cking hurts!
- What can I do, baby?

- Do you want some crisps?
- No. No, I don't want some f*cking crisps.

Oh God. Oh God, that's good.

Don't stop.
Whatever it is you're doing, don't stop.

Hugh, where's my phone?
I want to take a birth selfie.

- [mouthing]
- Oh f*ck. I forgot it.

[Binky] What?

- What's going on here?
- Nothing.

- Nothing.
- Nothing.

No, no, I saw that. You two were going
to sneak off and have sex

whilst I'm pushing out a cow.

Okay, look,
we have an intimate relationship,

which means we do a lot
of righteous snarshing / .

Intimate?

You don't know what intimate is.
You two are like randy teenagers.

I bet you've never gone more than hours
in each other's company without sex.

Hugh and I haven't had sex in seven months

because he doesn't want
his bellend to s*ab the baby.

He literally wipes my ass.

- That is real intimacy.
- That is right, babe.

f*ck off and get my phone!

Let's clear the room.
You can have one person stay.

Just him. I find him very calming.

[groaning]

[door opens]

[phone vibrating]

[Mae sighs]

Hey. What do you think
about doing like a hospital sex role-play,

and I'll be George Clooney and you could
be like a burn victim or something?

- Yeah. Okay.
- Yeah?

- We could just be us.
- Yeah. I'll get costumes.

You find somewhere private we can bone,
and I'll text you in five minutes. Okay?

- Okay. Okay. All right.
- All right.

Okay.

[sighs]

Hey, I wonder if I could
pick your bones for a mo.

I'm sorry. I feel like there's kind of
a vibe going on between me and George.

You know, kind of like
a will-they-won't-they style thing.

I'm just wondering if you had any tips

about how I could, you know, seal
the proverbial deal, as it were.

Jared. You know me and George
are together, right? We're a couple.

Yes. This is the kind of thing
I'm talking about.

How do I do that, you know?
What's she into?

Um, she's into...

She's into me. I don't know,
and like, uh, like Jason Statham.

Jason Statham. Jason Statham.

Mean Machine.

[funky music playing]

[patient screaming]

- George, I don't think I can do this.
- Right. Okay.

No, George. George, George.

Am I gonna be a sh*t dad?

No. Well...

- What?
- No, no.

- Hey, guys.
- Oh Christ.

I know today isn't about me,
but I'm super bummed about my dad.

- Why didn't he come?
- Because you didn't speak to him, Phil.

- He probably didn't get the message.
- I'm gonna be a sh*t dad.

No, not if you're kind.

Whatever type of dad you are,
just be kind.

Like if your kid does something
messed up to hurt you, just be there.

It's all you gotta do.

One time Jared noshed me off
in prep school.

- That's okay.
- Yeah.

Yeah. It's okay.

[funky music playing]

[grunts]

Just...

[sighs]

- Ugh. It's like a w*r zone in here.
- I know.

I think there was literally
just a birth in here.

- [scoffs]
- But I found scrubs.

Check it out.

Yeah, okay.

I'm George Clooney.

Oh God, they're covered in sh*t.
You have to take them off.

It's fine. Just get on the bed,
I'm gonna rim you.

- Really?
- It'll be good.

Oh! God!

I put my hand in placenta. I do think
I've reached my threshold actually.

- George, please.
- [sighs] Mae, I...

You are drenched in sweat. What's wrong?

You're like rabid like a hyena.

I could be a hyena.

Anything you want. What do you want?

- Do you want to punch me in the kidneys?
- Punch you? No, Mae.

What is going on?

I just wanna have
a good time at the hospital.

And there's some stuff going on in Canada.

Right. So this isn't... this isn't
really about having sex with me.

This is... What is it?
Like a coping mechanism?

What stuff in Canada?

If you're not gonna talk to me,
I can't help you.

Mae, if I'm not there with Binky now,
I'm gonna regret this forever.

I know. No, I know. I know.

Okay.

[tense music playing]

[breathes deeply]

[oxygen hissing]

[inhales deeply]

[echoing] You can't be in here.

[laughs]

[body thuds]

Your blood pressure's still low,
but you'll be fine in a minute.

Can you tell me what happened?

Um...

I felt bad, and then I passed out.

- I've been feeling bad for a while.
- Bad how?

Kinda like empty Tupperware
clanging around in my brain cupboard,

and then at night I get spooks.

- S-Sorry?
- Like nightmares, you know?

And, uh, sometimes it's like
some small thing happens,

and then my reaction is insane.

Like my whole body goes rigid,
like a plank of wood,

and I want to lie under the bed.
And also, I really like dr*gs,

like a lot.

Right. Um...

Are there any particular things
that trigger you?

Like random stuff.

Stuff from the past.

What you're describing,
and this is just my immediate impression,

are the textbook symptoms
of post-traumatic stress disorder.

[scoffs]

I mean, yeah. [laughs]

No, I forgot that I'm a Vietnam w*r vet
as well. I forgot to mention.

I mean, people are obsessed
with trauma these days.

It's like... It's like a buzzword.
Like, people love talking about trauma.

It's... It's overdone, you know.

Well, it does have
a very specific medical explanation.

When our body experiences
an extreme fear response,

it reacts defensively,

seizes up.

Our body stores those reactions.

Do you think might be you could just test
to see if I'm like full of birds?

Look, um, just have a sip of Ribena
and get your blood sugar back up.

Speak to your GP,

or at least speak
to the people close to you.

Okay?

Okay. Oh, and can I have back the pills
that you stole off the medicine trolley?

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

What have you got?

Worms.

[guitar music playing]

[chuckles]

He's so beautiful, Binky.
I can't believe I'm his godmother.

And I'm his godfather.

- Oh, what have I done?
- And do we have a name for the baby?

- Yeah.
- We're naming him Boothroid.

- Boothroid?
- Boothroid.

- [mouthing]
- [Binky] Could everyone leave?

It's very crowded
and my vag*na's torn in twain.

Oh yeah. I'm just gonna call your mum.
Be back in a minute, Binks.

- Back in a minute, Boothroid!
- [whispering] Too loud.

[Binky] Mae,

you stay.

I'm going to say something now.
If Hugh and I die in a boat accident,

then George will become
Boothroid's legal guardian.

Do you know what that means?
It means if you and George are together,

you will be Boothroid's father.

Do you understand that?

Yeah.

Now get yourself together.
Whatever it is that's making you unhappy,

take a deep breath,
grow up, and just face it.

If not for yourself, then for George,

and for Boothroid.

[inspirational music playing]

- I thought dinner...
- Maybe Binky's right.

[George] Sorry, about intimacy.

Maybe we should try
not having sex for a few weeks.

I don't...

Just talking, like actually talking.

I mean, don't you famously hate
talking about feelings?

Yes. Yeah, famously,
I'm finding this very unpleasant.

- [chuckles]
- But I... I need to understand

what's going on with you
'cause it affects me, too, like massively.

And we've just been doing
mad role-plays for weeks.

- Yeah. It's good, though.
- [laughs] Yeah.

You know that when we do that,

it's not... it's not that I want you
to be someone else.

Yeah, it's nice.

Okay.

[inhales deeply]

I think maybe it's like...
like I want to be someone else, you know.

Like, get out of my body.

So, um, I spoke to a doctor
at the hospital,

and she said that she thinks I might have
post-traumatic stress disorder.

[chuckles]

That's 'cause of me, isn't it?
I kept you a secret.

No, you're an angel.

- What are you talking about?
- Well, so why then?

I mean,

I did... I had kind of an insane period
of like ten years, right?

With like jail and overdosing
and all kinds of like...

[sighs] So I got a call today
from this woman

who wanted to talk to me about Scott.

And well, you know... you know that like,

when you and I got together,

that wasn't my first,
like secret relationship.

Actually all of my formative relationships
were secret because I was really young

and it was with much older people.

And I guess maybe
I'm like thinking about that

for the first time, like Scott and...

Like, not just Scott, other people.

Scott taught me like everything
that I know about The Beatles.

He's like family.

How old were you
when you lived with Scott?

Like , .

And he was what, like ?

Yeah, and it's stuff that I think
to other people might not seem that bad,

but maybe it is to me or something.

- I don't know.
- No, that is bad, Mae.

And... there are a lot of people
in Canada that I want to m*rder.

Okay, so...

What do you want to do now?

Do you want to pee
in front of each other?

[chuckles]

[urinating]

[laughs]

[laughs]

["Monster" by Half Moon Run playing]

♪ Sometimes I look inside myself
And I see a monster ♪

♪ Who's really not too tough to k*ll
Just nobody wants to ♪

♪ And there ain't no minutes left
Before or after ♪