02x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music playing]

[Scott] You remember the time
you were trying to get clean,

so we spent your th birthday watching
every episode of The Twilight Zone?

[exhales]

Yeah, I completely forgot about that.

That was really nice.

I don't know what to do, Scott,
like, about you.

Look, you do what feels right for you.

I can handle it.

But I'm not Arnie Rivers.

Yeah, and I don't want to lose you.

You don't have to go all vigilante

just because people are telling you
you should.

I know I f*cked up.

Mae, the world is
an unjust pile of burning trash.

[laughs]

[Scott] Bad things happen to good people,

and good people do bad things.
Wait, what was... what was our joke?

Uh, the world is a sack of poo
and rats and piss

- and worms.
- ...and worms.

[laughs]

It's poo and rats and piss and worms.

[music continues]

[phone chimes]

[kids chattering]

So you want to organize
a presentation about bees?

Not just about bees,

but the students can pick
any cause that matters to them,

like... like trans rights
or climate change...

Free Britney.

And the whole thing will culminate
in an after-school event

where they do, like, presentations
and stuff for friends and family.

- Can you do it Friday?
- Friday?

Well, we have OFSTED inspectors
lurking around like f*cking dementors,

and we have
zero extracurricular activities.

So it's now or never. What do you think?

No, we can't. We can't
just launch an event in three days.

This feels very authoritarian.

Can we at least have a vote? Who's for?

Fascists! Fascists!

- f*cking Stalinist Russia.
- [bell ringing]

- God, I hope we pull this off.
- Yeah.

Can I just say thank you,
like, for being so cool

ever since we ended things
'cause it's not been weird or anything.

Well, I'm actually dating
five other people right now.

So, I'm way too busy
for lingering awkwardness.

- [chuckling] Okay.
- No, really. I'm happy to be your friend.

Helping you grow and flourish
is so rewarding.

[George] Right.

Oh God, I'm gonna need a holiday
after this.

Well, actually, next week
I'm driving to Calais for a few days.

Gonna help out in a refugee camp.

Then I'm gonna drive around Europe
for the rest of break, so you should come.

Really? That sounds amazing.

Actually, I can't. I can't. I can't.

- Let me think about it.
- Okay.

Okay, who wrote Doctor sh*t Tits?

We have to save the world, apparently.

Now is the time
that we have to save the world

for future generations.

So, when I was a kid,

my mum took me to get a hot dog
at a hot dog stand.

And I was so excited for this hot dog.

Oh my God.

I take my first bite,

clang, on my teeth,

and I pull,

and there's a metal wire

in my hot dog.

[audience groaning]

There's a wire in my wiener.

[audience laughing]

This is the world that you want to save?

The kind of world
that puts a wire in a kid's wiener.

[sighs]

Mae, why don't you go home,
try to sleep off this apocalyptic gloom.

It's spreading like a virus.

- I gotta do the late show.
- [Nick] No.

I think you should go home.
Pete will cover your slot.

Oh, f*ck yeah! I'm back, baby!

[Mae scoffs] Oh, okay. I understand.

Censor the truthsayer. Yeah, fine.

Yeah.

Hey, uh, Nick, why don't you and Phil

and Jack and Donna start
a sketch comedy troupe

called "People who betrayed Mae."

Are you f*cking joking? Mae,
I put my neck on the line for you.

I kicked Arnie Rivers out of my club,

and you go on TV
and act like his best f*cking friend.

Yeah, yeah, I'm a coward.

Okay, I'm never gonna be brave enough

to do any of the things
that I need to do in my life,

but I'm fine with that.

What I'm not fine with

is you signing with Donna
directly after she f*cked me over.

Thanks for the solidarity, buddy.

Not everything I do is about you, Mae.
I've got my own sh*t.

And if you keep putting your friends
through these tests of trustworthiness,

guess what? We are all going to fail.

[somber music playing]

[woman] Stop.

We love you. We're totally obsessed.

That's Elenor.
She never stops talking about you.

Cool. Uh, thanks.

All right, well, I gotta go.

But you're still doing the late show,
right? Please.

Um...

- No, I have to go home.
- Excuse me. Rude.

We came all the way
from Norway just to see you.

Please, can we hear you spin your yarns?

Um...

- Do you wanna come to my house?
- Yeah!

[speaking Norwegian]

- [phone camera clicks]
- [in English] Thank you.

All right, um,
this is what I've been working on.

I don't know if you've heard this.
Basically, I think the world is a sack

- of poo and rats and piss and worms.
- [door opens]

- Oh, hello.
- Hey, hi. Um, okay, great.

Thank you very much.
I'll be here all week,

but if you wanna tell your friends,
that would be great.

And the show is
pay what you think it's worth.

So it's just a little... Thank you.
Thanks very much.

Tell your friends. Thank you. Hi.

Guess what?

I'm gonna start doing all my shows
in the living room. Isn't that wicked?

'Cause that means
I don't have to go outside.

I hate it outside.
It's so f*cking big outside.

I have news. Okay, check this out.

Friday, my group is hosting
a social activism evening.

Kids are signing up.

An OFSTED inspector is gonna be there.
And I thought of the whole thing!

What kind of social activism?

All kinds. One kid is doing a presentation
on how we have to save the bees.

We have to save the bees now?

Yes, very urgently.

All right. Well,
they k*lled Macaulay Culkin in My Girl,

and I was raised to hate and fear them,
but if you say so.

Okay, I think
I'm gonna do my work upstairs.

[strumming guitar]

Mae, you know
I'm going on winter break on Friday?

- Mm-hmm.
- [George] Yeah. I was thinking

maybe we could rent a car and go to France

or go on holiday or something.

Mmm, I'm not really in the mood, but maybe
we could stay here and do a**l instead.

Okay.

[continues strumming guitar]

[rock music playing]

- Hello?
- [George on phone] Hey, hey.

I... I left my notes at home.

They're in a folder on the microwave.
Could you bring them to school for me?

- I'm not really going outside these days.
- [George] Okay.

Thanks. Bye.

[instrumental music playing]

Miss Lawson sent me.

Cool. So, are you doing
this whole presentation thing as well?

Yeah, I'm doing bees.

Oh, bees. [chuckles]

I don't really see the point myself.

You know, because the sun
is running out of fuel,

and in billion years,
the earth is gonna be a frozen rock

floating through a graveyard
of stars anyway, bees or no bees.

Five billion years is a long time.

That's a good point, actually.

We'll probably nuke ourselves
into oblivion long before then.

Anyway, have a good day.
It was really nice to meet you.

[instrumental music playing]

[indistinct conversation]

- Okay, that...
- You all right?

I asked Mae to help,
and she accidentally brought me

- the user manual for the dishwasher.
- Ah.

- She's got a lot on her plate.
- Yeah, so do you.

- She's got a bigger plate.
- Do you ever get to have the big plate?

[sighs]

Right, you're the gardener.

Huh?

In a relationship, you take turns
being the gardener or the bonsai,

but if you're always tending
to the bonsai, Mae,

then who's tending to you?

I don't know.

p*rn?

Miss, what's the disempowering male lens?

So, it's when stories are told
from the male point of view.

Yeah, it removes power or agency
from the women.

Um, like, Love Actually.
You seen that film?

Right? You know the bit
when the guy turns up with the cards?

Oh my God, I love that bit.

No! That little weasel
turns up at the door

with no regard for how she feels.

It's not romantic, it's misogynistic.

That is so right.

God!

And you know Romeo and Juliet.

I... I teach that play.

- What actually is it?
- [chuckles]

Because she is a -year-old girl

who's so traumatized by male v*olence
that she commits su1c1de in a crypt.

Romeo probably doesn't even know
Juliet's middle name.

Right. He barely knows her

and he proposes to her and brings
all of this like drama into her life.

Oh, Tia. Tia, what's the matter?

Human beings are
just a virus on this Earth.

We're like f*cked-up little monkeys.

You know what I mean?
We're like Hungry Hungry Hippos

just eating up the world
with this insatiable...

What did you say to Tia?

Hey, miss, there's a show in progress.
Keep it down.

I live here, actually.

[Mae] Okay,
we're gonna take a brief interval.

If you guys wanna talk amongst yourselves,
I'll be right back. Thank you.

Oh, come on.

All I said to her is that I don't think
the world is worth saving.

What's wrong with that?

- You don't think that's true?
- No, I don't think that's true.

If I thought everything was hopeless,
I wouldn't be a teacher.

'Cause I think you're setting children up
for disappointment.

You're making them think
that the world is this like magical place.

I thought you were all about magic.
You said love was magic.

George, love is
a biological evolutionary mechanism...

- Oh my God.
- ...that's designed to provide

a brief, brief respite
from the unmitigated pain of being alive.

So forgive me
if I just want to eat Pop-Tarts

and pray for death
with my hot, hot girlfriend.

Okay, that's really not acceptable to me,
that kind of apathy.

Isn't it enough that I live in the world?

- Oh my God.
- Must I be expected to praise it as well,

even though it devours me ruthlessly?

[George] Oh my God!

I am so tired of gardening your bonsai.

At some point,
you have to pick up a f*cking rake.

- What the hell does that mean?
- It means I am finally

trying to do something for myself,
for my life,

and... and you decide now is the time
to have a nervous breakdown.

You think I decided to have PTSD?

Right. I'm sorry. So, this is about stuff
that happened in your teens.

[scoffs]

Kind of, yes.

Mae, if you're not gonna do anything
about it, then let it go.

How long ago was it, like years?

[scoffs]

[indistinct conversations]

My fans are waiting for me downstairs.

Fine. If you could keep it down
'cause I've got a really big day tomorrow.

It's actually really important to me.

[exhales sharply]

Hey, sleepykins.

Wanna hang out?

No, I don't want to hang out, Phil.

What time is it? [exhales]

Okay, great.
I have a show here in like an hour.

[Phil] I know.

Bought all the tickets.

You bought all the tickets?

[sighs]

- Great. Okay. I'm going back to bed.
- Mae, my dad is dead.

What?

I finally tracked him down last week.

Turns out he d*ed three years ago.

Chicken pox.

Oh my God.

Phil, why didn't you say anything?

I didn't want to burden you.

I know you hate me right now, but...

I'd love to have
a hot chocolate with my friend.

[chuckles] So how come
you're not at George's event?

We had a big fight.

[sighs] Mae, I'm sorry I spied on you.

- Yeah.
- [Phil] I only did it because I love you.

We all do.

And that's why we're all here.

Why are you being weird? What's happening?

Uh, one sec.

And that's why we're all here!

[doorbell rings]

There we go.

This is very absurd.
It's really unnecessary.

Mae, I miss you.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your smell.

I miss the way you make life feel
like a Richard Curtis movie.

I know you... you don't feel
the same way about me

that I do about you,
but I just feel like now...

Jack, what are you talking about?

How do you feel about me?

Nick.

Mae,

trust me when I say
I know more than all of you pricks

how unjust this world is.

But if I let myself dwell on how much
the odds are stacked against me,

I'd run a bath, get a toaster,
plug it in and...

- [Phil clears throat]
- Right.

But I handle it.

Even though sometimes
I feel like I'm drowning

in a toilet, I handle it.

Man, it's easier to handle it together.

It's more fun too.

So, come get in my toilet, innit?

Mae, I thought this was a roast,

so my speech now feels
pretty inappropriate.

You're annoying.

You look weird. Your comedy sucks.
You're one of my best friends.

- Am I?
- Shut up.

[laughs gently]

I was wrong
when I said showbiz was poison.

These men are beautiful angels.

Oh my God, I've been so up my own assh*le.

I've been just like in this snow globe
of my own pain.

I'm sorry. I...

I wanna make it up to all of you.
I wanna do something.

What do you need? Do you need anything?

I think there's someone else
who needs you right now.

Yeah.

- Hi, darling.
- Hi.

Where's the bar?

Gonna need a drink if I sat
next to your father for an entire play.

It's not a play. It's an evening
of presentations about social activism.

[sighs]

I'm just not going to speak
to him when he gets here.

I'm just going to ignore
the wretched old c**t.

- Hello, girls.
- Oh, hi, darling.

I didn't know you were coming. How lovely.

Well, I wasn't gonna miss
the hotshot director's big play.

It's not a play.

Never mind. Thank you for coming.

"The play's the thing."

- George, have you got more handsome?
- Oh my...

Hi, hello.

And you are...

- I'm Elliott's boyfriend.
- Elliott's girlfriend.

- Oh. Okay, he's over there.
- Thanks.

[George] Okay.

sh*t, George,
the OFSTED inspector is here.

- Yeah.
- [Joyce] Oh, no.

- Huh?
- Oh God, he's gorgeous.

- Why did he have to be a stone-cold fox?
- Mmm.

- How do I look? I'm going to talk to him.
- Yeah. Okay.

- Miss...
- Yeah.

- I don't want to do my song.
- What?

No, Tia, you have to do your song.

- Please.
- I can't.

If I do it, I'll piss or sh*t my pants.
Can you sing it for me?

- Can I, um...
- [Elliott] Hey.

Any sign of Mae?

Yeah, didn't think so.
All right, you ready to start?

[audience applauding, cheering]

[George] Hi. Hi, everyone.
Thank you so much for coming.

We have some presentations for you
from some incredible young activists.

And so, you know,
let's get this show on the road.

Can I get a whoop whoop?

[man] Huzzah.

Thank you, Dad. Enjoy the show.

The male savior.

The damsel in distress.

These tropes, they leave women...

Oh, miss, what's that word again?

- Disempowered.
- Yeah.

- [audience chuckles]
- Big time.

Do you know what it's like
for these people? Do you?

Do you f*cking realize
what they go through?

Getting too hot. Cool down.

[mic feedback]

This song was written by Tia,

uh, and it's about the... the decline
in the bee population.

She's asked me to sing it.

[piano playing]

♪ Won't someone save the bees? ♪

♪ Will someone save them, please? ♪

♪ Please save the bees ♪

♪ Don't smoke or steal
Recycle your cans ♪

♪ And always flush your poo ♪

♪ Won't someone save these bees? ♪

♪ Those crazy, stinky bees ♪

♪ Won't someone save the bees? ♪

[audience cheering, applauding]

[whistling]

- Mae, sorry. Hi.
- Hey.

Hi, yeah, I didn't think you'd get here.

George was pretty distressed

- you weren't here from the start.
- What? Did she say that?

- Yeah.
- Oh my God, I'm such a big, dumbo idiot.

Elliott, what should I do?

You're emotionally literate.
I want to be with her forever.

Wow. That's a powerful sentiment.

I know it is.

You should tell her that.

- In front of everyone.
- Really?

I kind of think she'd hate that.

One time, I tried to sing to her in
a Whole Foods and she hid in the fridge.

Mae, if there were ever a time
for a romantic Hollywood gesture,

it's right now.

Yeah. God, you're cool.

- [chuckles] Thanks.
- [Mae] Yeah.

[sighs] Thank you.

Okay, I think I have an idea.
Where's all your drama department stuff?

[indistinct conversations]

If I could have everyone's attention,
we have a final presentation.

What is it?

[all murmuring]

[piano playing]

George.

- [chuckling] Hey, what's up?
- What?

[chuckles]

- Um, I want to say something to you.
- Mae, what are you doing?

Okay. I love you.

I really, really am in love with you,

and I know that you think
that I'm impulsive,

and I fall in love really easily,
but I actually don't.

I really don't. Not like this.

And I... I want to say that I was wrong

when I said that love
is a biological evolutionary mechanism.

It's not. I don't even believe that.
Of course I don't.

It's magic. Love is magic.

And bees, bees are magic. They're wicked.

And you're so smart,

and funny, and like,
you... you sing really good,

and you're hot.

You're so hot. And you're
a little bit scary, which I'm into.

Mae, can you stop? Please, can you stop?

- Just stop.
- [Mae] No wait, please.

So I... I want to be with you forever,

and...

- Oh my God, no.
- So, George...

- That's why I'm asking...
- Mae, please, can you get up? Get up.

Get up. Please, get up.

...if you would do me the absolute honor
of actually marrying me

and make me like the happiest corn
in the whole kingdom.

We could live inside of a strawberry
in a beautiful meadow.

I don't know what else to do.
I don't know how else to show you.

Like, I could write you more poems
or do more push-ups or like...

What's my middle name?

Huh?

What's my middle name, Mae?

[people murmuring]

I obviously know what your middle name is.

- I don't know.
- It's...

[mouthing] Bethany.

It's Big...

Big Balthazar?

- No?
- No, it's not Big Balthazar.

And no, I'm not going to marry you.

[people murmuring]

I know.

[scoffs, inhales deeply]

[exhales sharply] I know.

[chuckles nervously] I knew that.

All righty, well... [smacks lips]

...um, save the bees and thanks, everyone.

Hey, you all right?

I'm thinking if I push my head hard enough
against this wall, I'll turn into wood.

Listen. Next week, we're gonna go
to Calais, and you don't have to be wood.

You can be a bonsai,

and I can water you.

What? I'm not going to Calais
with you, Elliott.

I need to stay and work out
what I'm gonna do about Mae.

- Mae?
- Yeah.

I don't get what you see in her.
She's problematic.

And I do... I do everything right!

I... I listen, I empathize,

and you just keep returning
to this basic heteronormative bullshit.

- [scoffs]
- What about me?

You already have,
like, six boyfriends and girlfriends.

- Yeah, well, I want one more!
- Wow.

[Elliott] George, this isn't you.

- You're a different person now.
- I decide who I am.

I'm me.

Well, that was a laugh, wasn't it?

What do I... What do I do?
Do I end things with Mae?

George, I mean this
in the kindest possible way,

but please sh*t or get off the pot,
sweetheart.

- Huh?
- Well, either be with Mae or don't.

Whatever you decide, I'll support,

but this really is getting a bit dull,
George. Just change the channel.

Yes, look. Sink or swim.

It really doesn't matter as long
as you are captain of your own boat.

Oh, thanks, guys.

I love you.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, good luck, sailor.

[ballad song playing]

- [both moaning]
- [door opens]

♪ On my way to the city ♪

♪ I'll be leaving soon ♪

[metal clinking]

I'm so, so sorry.

You think it's romantic,

but all the gifts and the poems,

the paintings, the compliments,
they're all for your benefit.

I don't need any of that.

Do you know what I think
actual romance is?

It's when we do our laundry.

I like seeing all of our clothes,
like mixed up together.

Okay.

And there has to be room for what I like.

Where are you going?

[Mae] I...

I've been so self-involved,

and it's because I'm... I'm a teenager.

I'm a teenager
because I'm stuck back there.

I feel like I never got out.

And you're right.
Of course, I need to do something.

Um, so I'm gonna go back to... to Canada.

I'm gonna talk to Scott,

and I understand if you don't want to,
or you want to take some space

and like think about, you know...

Where...

- Where are you going?
- With you to Canada.

Are you not breaking up with me?

I said no to the most ill-judged proposal
of all time, Mae, not to us.

[breathes deeply]

Also, I've never been
and I'd really like to go.

[sighs]

[breathes deeply]

Did you steal this costume from my school?

[Mae] Yes, I did. I'll return it.

Don't.

[Mae] Hey.

Hey.

Wow, is that your dad?

[sighing] Yeah, it's Papa.

Phil, we want you to come to Canada
with us. I bought you a plane ticket.

[chuckles]

What?

Are you kidding me?

[chuckling] No.

[exhales]

- Love you, guys.
- [George laughs]

[Phil sighs]

[instrumental music playing]