02x01 - .. been a playa

[bunniefuu]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

The trouble in my head ♪

I want a tug, I want a friend ♪

I'm going back to the ♪

- [KNOCKING]

- [MUSIC STOPS]

Are you kissing?

Your father's ashes have barely

begun to drift out to sea.

Get out of this car!

It's always the short ones.

I'm sorry, Dr. Vishwakumar,

and, uh, my condolences?

- Bye.

- "Bye."

Kazhudai. "Bye. Bye."

[EXHALES]

I mean, what disgraceful behavior, Devi!

What are you gonna do at my funeral?

Just have sex on top of my grave?

I pray it's a closed casket.

I'm sorry, Mom.

I just got overcome with emotion

because I love Dad so much!

- I would've kissed anyone.

- Okay, fine.

I'm just gonna let it slide.

I've done crazy things

when I'm emotional too.

I once hugged a man at Circuit City

when I found out a damaged

printer was 80% off.

Is that why our printer's so bad?

[PHONE PINGS]

[DEVI SIGHS]

Hmm?

["FIRE FOR YOU" BY CANNONS PLAYING]

[PAXTON ON VOICEMAIL] Hey,

I'm in your neighborhood.

Thought maybe we can hang out,

but, uh, it seems like you're busy.

So, uh

Anyway, you can give me a

call or text or whatever.

Okay.

Holy sh*t.

[MCENROE] Holy sh*t is right, Devi.

Ever since their steamy kiss in his car,

he'd been icing her out.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

As a former teen jock myself,

I was not surprised by this behavior.

My advice to Devi,

don't let this voicemail

get your hopes up.

Just give up on Paxton.

Set your sights on

someone more attainable,

like that kid Ben you

were just mouth kissing,

or that boy in math class

who's allergic to the sun.

My heart just dropped ♪

Be right in.

[MCENROE] Oh my God!

Screw the allergy kid.

That's Paxton!

Hey, were you waiting for me?

No. I was, uh, just chilling.

Outside of my house?

Wait. Have you been here

since you left me that message?

No.

Well, yeah, I was waiting because

I had nothing better to do.

And then I got hungry, so

I ordered some Chinese food,

but I mean, I I honestly,

was just about to leave.

[MCENROE] This is the longest

Paxton Hall-Yoshida has ever spoken.

Wait! Is he nervous?

So, like, what's up?

Uh, it was kind of a special day.

We spread my dad's ashes in Malibu.

No sh*t.

That's intense.

Hmm.

So, did you have something

you were gonna tell me or

Yeah, I guess I just wanted to say

I feel really bad for

being such a d*ck to you.

[DEVI] Yeah, you really were.

I don't kiss guys that often, Paxton.

I thought maybe I did something wrong.

Like, maybe I flooded

your mouth with saliva.

No, no. The kiss was fine. It was good.

I was just being dumb,

and

I'm sorry.

[MCENROE] Was it the

greatest apology? No.

He mostly looked at his shoes,

and the vocabulary was limited,

but when it comes out

of that beautiful mouth,

it's friggin' Shakespeare.

So would you maybe want to, like,

come over for dinner tomorrow night?

[SWALLOWS]

Dinner? At your house? Y you and me?

Eating together? At the same table?

Yeah. How do you normally

eat dinner with people?

All right. Well, I'll see

you tomorrow, Vishwakumar.

[MCENROE] Whoa! Did Devi

just French Ben at the beach

and get asked on a date by Paxton?

Did hell freeze over in the last hour?

How is it possible that

this formally uneffable nerd

has two boys that are into her?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[MCENROE] Devi lay in her bed

pondering these two

grand romantic gestures.

Ben had broken the law,

stolen his Dad's car,

and risked his life to help

her say goodbye to her dad,

but Paxton had left her a voicemail.

A voicemail!

We're talking about a boy who

usually texts the letter "K."

And since Zoomers rarely

call anyone on the phone,

checking Paxton's voicemail

led her to find another one

she had forgotten about.

[MOHAN ON VOICEMAIL]

Hi, it's Dad. I'm

I'm here at the mall to pick you up.

I'm parked in front of P.F. Chang's,

but a brute security guard

is making me circle around.

Uh, oh, wait, I see you.

Ah! There's my perfect girl.

[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]

Ugh! This Trader Joe's

puttanesca keeps falling out.

Wow. You're taking so

many snacks to India.

You'll be the hero of the family.

- Damn. Indian people love Trader Joe's.

- They do.

If I can bribe an uncle with a

box of Thai Lime & Chili cashews,

maybe we can get a good deal

on a condo for the two of us.

Kamala, inga vaadi. Just need some help.

[MCENROE] Nalini was still

set on moving to India

at the end of the month,

but first, she needed to

go there to set things up

and kiss up to her family.

[DEVI] Ugh!

This sucks a butt.

I can't believe we're

moving to stupid India.

Things were just

getting good for me here.

[NALINI] Oh, because now you

kiss boys in overpriced SUVs?

Yeah, there'll be no more of that.

Yeah, because you're dragging me away

from the only home I've ever known.

[SIGHS]

Listen, Devi,

I know this is not what you want,

but I just need more family around us.

So can you please just

give this a chance?

[MCENROE] And while Devi

wasn't thrilled about the move,

she felt close to her mom

for the first time in a while

and didn't want to mess that up.

It doesn't matter. I'll

be back here in two years,

going to Princeton,

dating a guy in a band.

I'll get a tattoo of his name

under my boobs like Rihanna.

[NALINI] Over my dead body.

So, I have a very exciting day today.

I'm gonna meet with this other

dermatologist in my building.

I'm gonna try and sell

him my patient roster

for a vastly inflated price.

Whoa. Dr. Jackson?

He took the fat out of

Ben's mom's double chin

and stuck it in her

butt. It looks amazing.

And he drives a Maybach. It would

be ostentatious on anyone else,

but somehow he drives

it with a quiet humility.

Who needs all that flash?

I think people prefer

no-frills, immigrant values

when it comes to their dermatologist.

In your dreams, Mom.

I have an exciting day as well.

Today I start my new PhD rotation

for, get this, Dr. Elgin Peters' lab.

He's basically the LeBron

of stem cell research.

He's the reason I went to Caltech.

His work on gallbladder

cells is breathtaking.

It is so annoying how no one knows

how nerdy you are because you're so hot.

- Thank you, Devi.

- [SIGHS]

[GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING]

[MCENROE] As Devi

entered Facing History,

she was also facing love triangle.

What an embarrassment of riches!

I know what you kids are thinking.

This is just like the time in 1979

when I won the US Open Doubles title

and later that same week,

the Men's Singles title.

- Wow! Look at that gorgeous hair.

- [CROWD CHEERING]

Anyway, she was on a hot streak.

She probably would have felt

guilty if it weren't so exciting.

Good morning, Ben. Good morning, Paxton.

So nice to see both of

you on this fine day.

- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

- Salutations, my protégés.

How were your weekends?

I spent mine in Little Ethiopia

refreshing my collection of dashikis.

My weekend was pretty great.

Yeah, my weekend was tight.

[MCENROE] They're talking

about you, Devi. Be cool.

I spread my dad's ashes at the beach.

[MCENROE] Nope.

[MR. SHAPIRO] Ah yes.

Antyeshti, the last samskara

in a series of life cycle

events in the Hindu tradition.

- I would've loved to have joined.

- That would've been weird.

Perhaps. I wanna remind everybody

that our annual community

service day is tomorrow,

and we are going to be removing

trash from a park in Pacoima,

but the real cleansing will be to

our own consciences.

Oh, I know that park.

I love littering there.

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

- [SENDS MESSAGE]

- [PHONES VIBRATE]

Hi. We're here to see Dr. Jackson.

- Okay.

- Ugh! What rubbish is this?

What kind of doctor sells

pumpkin spice body butter?

It's actually very

helpful for burn victims.

Hello, Dr. Vishwakumar.

Dr. Jackson.

How can I help you today?

Wow! Is Wolverine your patient?

Oh, Hugh? His family

stays at my place in Tahoe.

I always forget he's a celebrity.

He's just so down-to-earth.

[CLEARS THROAT] Dr.

Jackson, as you know,

I am moving my family

back to India and

Oh, is is that why you're leaving?

I assumed you lost your

medical license for negligence.

Hilarious joke. Anyway, I

have an enviable client roster,

and well, they can all be

yours for no less than $100,000.

[LAUGHS]

Now, you're the hilarious one.

Thank you for stopping by.

Take some SPF lip balm on your way out.

Wait, wait, you must not have heard me.

My entire roster of loyal

patients isn't attractive to you?

I don't need your patients.

I'm very successful.

Netflix wants me for a

docu-series called Field of Derms.

James Earl Jones is the host.

Ooh, you should do it. I'd watch it.

[SIGHING] Okay, look. Even though

our priorities are very different,

and your office looks

like Caesars Palace,

I would feel better leaving,

knowing that they're being

cared for by someone who is

good at their job.

I'll give you ten grand.

Fine.

Oh, and, Tracey, we're always

looking for experienced RNs.

Oh, really? Can I leave my resume?

She'd rather go back to working

at Jamba Juice. Let's go.

Take the samples, the lip

balm. There's eye cream there.

Make-up bag, whatever you

can stuff in your pockets.

You kissed Ben Gross?

Paxton asked you out?

On top of you moving to India?

Wait, what's happening?

I know. It's a lot.

This is insane.

[DEVI] Guys, my mom's made up

her mind. We're definitely moving.

[SIGHING] Well, India is at

the cutting edge of robotics.

My robot, Gears Brosnan,

has friends in Mumbai,

so we'd come visit you.

[GASPS] Me too.

I heard you can make a great

living in Bollywood movies

playing the evil American.

[LAUGHS QUIETLY]

Devi, we're gonna miss you so much.

I know. I'm gonna miss you guys too.

[PHONE CHIMES]

But that's why I have to figure

out my boy situation stat!

This is my last chance for an

American high school boyfriend.

So obviously this calls

for a Drum roll, please.

[BOTH] Pros and cons list.

[MCENROE] Devi didn't know how

she could make this decision.

She really liked both Ben and Paxton,

and each one had so much going for them.

- On one hand, Ben

- [BOTH] Paxton.

What? We're not done with the list yet.

- [BOTH] Paxton!

- Guys, how can you be so sure?

Ben is an obnoxious hobbit who has

tortured you for countless years.

Paxton is a mixed-race hottie

who got scouted to model

while in the audience

at The Price is Right.

If I could have a

smoke show like Paxton,

Oliver would be kicked to the curb.

But Ben did do such a heroic thing

driving me all the way to

Malibu to spread my dad's ashes.

Uh, is it that heroic to drive slowly

from the Valley to the Westside?

My dad does it every day for work.

He also mended the friendship

between the three of us.

Yeah, fine.

But there will be a billion

cocky nerds like Ben at Princeton.

This is your one chance

to hook up with a Paxton,

and when you're old

and on your deathbed,

whose naked body do you

want to be picturing?

On my deathbed, wouldn't I be thinking

about my kids and grandkids and stuff?

No, that's a myth.

I guess I wouldn't mind seeing a

nude Paxton when I bite the dust.

Exactly.

So, I should let Ben down

easy and choose Paxton.

But what if I hurt Ben?

- Yay! She chose Paxton!

- Yes!

[PHONE PINGS]

Ooh, is that Eve? Are you

officially girlf and girlf?

- Yeah.

- [GASPS]

[PHONE PINGS]

What's a Villanelle?

Uh, the question is,

"Who is Villanelle?"

And the answer is the iconic

anti-hero of k*lling Eve

who slays both people

and amazing fashion looks.

[MCENROE] Fabiola was on a text

chain with her girlfriend, Eve,

and all of Eve's q*eer friends.

She didn't always get their references

because she knew almost

nothing of pop culture.

What's a Bebe Rexha? Oh!

Is that a robot like BB-8?

Oh, honey.

Anyway, as I was saying,

I may have been the

one to accept the award,

but Nobels are not won alone.

They are won as a team,

and so I just wanted to say

thank you for being my team.

And just imagine,

the research we are doing today

may one day lead to a

world without gallstones.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

Uhp-uhp-uhp, Speed Racer,

where are you going?

Just trying to talk to Dr. Peters.

Yeah, unfortunately,

a scientific rock star like Dr.

Peters needs to return to work.

I'm his head research assistant,

right-hand man, Evan Safstrom.

- I'll be your mentor/hero.

- Goodbye, everyone.

[LAUGHS]

I was really looking

forward to working with him.

He's busy, so you're mostly

gonna be dealing with me.

Okay, let's meet the

other people in the lab.

Okay, we got Vivek, Marshall,

Kachik, Edvard, Emilio.

There's Setseg, and

there's Wally, the walrus.

Guys, go. Say hi to

the newbie, Kamaa-la.

- Oh, it's Kamala.

- Camel-a. Got it.

[KAMALA] Nice to meet you.

You probably have, like, a

really handsome boyfriend, huh?

Sorry, you have to work with

bunch of gross nerds like us.

[LAUGHS] That's not

true. You're not gross.

[BURPS] Oh.

- Oh God.

- Okay.

All right. Everybody,

come on. Back to work.

Kamala, can you hang back a second?

Would you mind washing

out those beakers there?

They look a little meh!

Oh, uh

- Sure.

- Cool.

Thanks for being such a

team player. See you around.

[MCENROE] Later that day,

Devi had to do something she had

never done before in her life,

break someone's heart.

So she came armed with something

she hoped would offset the bad news.

I got you cashew

brittle. Top of the line.

My mom keeps it for funerals

or apologies to neighbors.

Hmm. Well, I'm not your neighbor,

so are you planning to k*ll me or

- Uh, no. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

- [LAUGHS]

I would never do anything to hurt you.

[SIGHS]

So we should talk about what happened.

Yeah.

Um, Ben

I don't know if that was

the right thing to do.

It wasn't.

Because of Shira.

Right, of course.

It's not okay to be unfaithful

to someone like that.

She deserves more.

I mean, she was the person

who gave me my first handy,

which is why I broke up with her today.

- You did?

- [SIGHS] Big time.

Even though her boobs are

the biggest rack of natties out

of anyone in our entire grade,

it wasn't real.

What you and I have is.

- It is?

- Do you know that last night

I stood up to my parents for

the first time in my life?

Now we're gonna have

dinner together once a week.

Because of you.

Wow.

That's why I want you to

be my girlfriend, Devi.

I I know you're moving to India,

but I'm cool with long distance.

My dad has access to a PJ.

A private jet.

[CHUCKLES QUIETLY]

You don't have to say

anything right now, but

Devi, I'm all-in.

[FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING]

[MCENROE] Ugh! She

was kissing him again!

Devi, what are you doing?

This was the worst breakup ever.

Even though she felt guilty about Ben,

Devi had to follow through

on her date with Paxton.

I mean, it was Paxton.

She had been in love with

him since the third grade

- when his family moved from Bakersfield.

- [CLATTERING]

And even though he

never knew she existed

[CLATTERING]

her crush on him had

lasted the test of time.

[GASPS] You dropped your maxi pads!

[MCENROE] The last time Devi had

gone over to Paxton's house like this,

it was for no-strings-attached sex,

but tonight was a real date

between two people who

are actually dating.

If there was sex, there'd be strings.

Hey, you look nice.

Thanks. So do you.

[MCENROE CHUCKLING] He really

did. No flip-flops. No pit stains.

A shirt with actual buttons.

This date was going to be awesome.

Grab a seat, Lil' D.

'Sup, Coyote Girl?

Ow! Trent! What the hell?

Whoops! Did I just hit you in the boob?

Yeah, you did.

Whoa.

[LAUGHING] I just hit

your mountains with my Dew.

[LAUGHS] You hit her cans with your can.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Dude, shut up!

It's all good. So I take it

you two are about to head out?

Nah, bro, pizza's on its way.

We got triple sausage 'cause

we're three guys. [LAUGHS]

Oh, sh*t. Now we got four

for Call of Duty. Fire it up.

Uh Eh Okay. So,

Paxton and me versus you two?

Oh no, little buddy. Marcus

and I gotta be on the same team.

We're magic together.

Thanks for taking the time to

make me feel special tonight.

[SCOFFS] Really?

Wait, so I have to be on

the same team as Denise?

Devi.

Whatever. This is a huge waste of time.

[MCENROE] And that was exactly

how Devi was starting

to feel about this date.

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

[COMPUTER CHIMING]

[BEEPS]

Hey, Prashant.

Oh. Hi, Devi. Is Kamala around?

Yeah, I'll get her in a sec.

Listen, I need some advice

about matters of the heart.

Here's a question. You're

a handsome guy, right?

Is that the question?

How many friends would you bring

to a first date with a girl?

Uh, zero?

That's what I thought.

Here comes Kamala. You're

a good guy, Prashant.

Let me know if you ever need any advice.

I'm really mature about tons of sh*t.

I'm sure you are. Thank you, Devi.

Move.

He's all yours.

Hey, so I was

brainstorming things we could do

when I visit you in a couple of weeks.

What do you think about

going to see Jimmy Kimmel?

I just love Guillermo.

[CHUCKLES] Right, you're visiting.

That'll be cool.

Okay, that feels like the same

level of excitement you'd reserve

for someone you, uh

What's the word? Uh, detest?

[EXHALES] I'm sorry.

I am excited to see you, Prashant.

I had the first day of my new

rotation, and it didn't go great.

But Dr. Peters is the LeBron of

stem cell research. What happened?

I didn't even really get to talk to him.

I had to spend most of

the day cleaning beakers

for a bunch of nerdy scientists

who barely talked to me.

First days are always weird.

I'm sure it will get better

once you all get to know each other.

Besides, how can anyone not like you?

Thank you, Prashant.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Maybe

tomorrow will be better.

Oh, and I already booked

us Jimmy Kimmel tickets.

I, too, love Guillermo.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[MCENROE] The next

morning, Devi was recounting

the excruciating details of her

non-date with Paxton and his friends.

No candlelit dinner?

No rose petals in a little trail

leading to the bedroom door?

Where he's arranged more petals

in a giant heart in

his California king bed?

[MCENROE] If it wasn't

obvious to you before,

these two girls are both virgins.

His friends didn't even leave.

I finally took off when Trent

ate way too much pizza and barfed.

Ugh!

I guess Paxton just wants to be friends.

Maybe it's for the best.

His penis is too big.

Yeah, he was wearing gray

sweatpants the other day at drop off.

My mom rear-ended a bus.

Well, this is great because

Ben's into me, and I'm into him.

So I'll just chill on the B

train until I have to go to India.

Problem solved.

Yeah, and Ben's penis seems more normal.

Mm.

- Hey, babe.

- Hey.

A bunch of us were thinking about

going to an L Word

trivia night tomorrow.

- Do you want to come?

- [FABIOLA] Sure. Yeah.

I watch that show. The

"L" stands for lesbian.

[MCENROE] Good work, Fab.

You really sound like

a hip, young, gay woman.

Henry David Thoreau once said,

"I went to the woods because

I wished to live deliberately,

and not, when I came to die,

discover that I had not lived."

Yeah, but he was talking

about Walden Pond.

This is a field full

of trash in Pacoima.

Aw, cool! A condom!

- [LAUGHS]

- [CLASS] Ugh!

That's right, Trent.

Contraception is cool.

It's what allowed women

to join the workforce.

This right here is freedom.

All righty. Everybody partner up.

[SIGHS]

Hey, Ben, want to pick up trash with me?

I'll do puddles so you

don't stain your sneakers.

Deal, but just don't slow me down.

I'm trying to fill ten bags by lunch so

I can be interviewed by the local paper.

[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]

Is this a headshot?

- Wow, LA trash is depressing.

- I know.

I think I saw a silicone breast implant.

Oh.

So, about yesterday,

I thought about what you said, and

I'm in. I'd like to be your girlfriend.

As long as we don't k*ll each

other, I think it could be nice.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Okay. That's awesome.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

- [METAL THUDS]

- [MUSIC STOPS]

An AVN award? For MILF

performer of the year.

That's bleak.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Uh, if you're looking for Trent,

he's over there peeing on a dead skunk.

Well, I was actually looking for you.

- Can I talk to you for a sec?

- Mm-hmm.

Why didn't you pick

me to be your partner?

I thought we had like

something going on.

[CHUCKLES] What are you talking about?

You clearly don't like me like that.

Yeah, I do. Why would I take you

on a date if I didn't like you?

That wasn't a date.

Your friends were there.

My friends are always on my dates.

They leave when it's time to hook up.

Like, last night we

could have hooked up,

but then Trent barfed, and you left.

Yeah. I left because Trent

was barfing on our date.

Okay, you're right.

The barfing wasn't ideal,

but I didn't realize you wanted

it to be like a one-on-one thing.

That's what a date is by definition.

Fine. Okay. I I will

take you on a real date.

It's too late now.

And besides, I'm moving to India.

You're moving to India? Like, forever?

Yeah. Like, in a month.

We'll have to make this time count.

Guess what? Due to my negotiating savvy,

I was able to sell my patient roster

to Dr. Jackson for a king's ransom.

That's awesome, Mom, but did

Dr. Jackson give you any samples?

[FORK CLINKS]

Here are your stupid samples.

They're not that great.

Whoa, hyaluronic acid. Score.

So, how was your useless

trash picking day?

I love that I pay taxes

to send you to school

to do another thing I pay taxes for.

Uh, it was fine.

You better not be kissing any more boys.

Why would you say "boys" plural?

Because they are all off limits.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[WOMAN] Making love to Donna

awakened something in me.

Ooh! The L Word. Are you watching

the new one or the old one?

There is an old one?

How many hours is that?

Guys, who cares? I have bigger

news. Paxton kissed me in the park.

[BOTH] What?

What am I gonna do?

I don't wanna break up with

Ben. He really pushes me.

I filled up 15 bags of garbage today.

So you're gonna break up with Paxton?

Of course not. Paxton69! is the

password to all of my accounts.

You definitely have to

choose. I mean [LAUGHS]

what's the alternative? Date

two guys until you move to India?

[CHUCKLES]

[MCENROE] And that was it. That

was all Devi needed to hear.

If they found out, they'd be so pissed.

I mean, you'll be in India, so

you'll kinda be off the hook but

[MCENROE] A way out of her predicament

that required no introspection

or mature decision-making,

two things Devi hated.

So you're saying I should

just have two boyfriends?

- No.

- Definitely not.

[MCENROE] But it was too late.

Devi knew what she was going to do.

Oh my God. I have two boyfriends.

["DARJEELING" BY BARRIE PLAYING]

The city towed my car ♪

The first night I got in ♪

And oh, you never got it ♪

Stay ♪

Keep me here for a while ♪

Stay ♪

You can leave when you like ♪

Stay ♪

Keep me here for a while ♪

Stay ♪

You can leave when you like ♪

[MAN] Go to bed.