02x05 - .. ruined someone's life

[bunniefuu]

[GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING]

[MCENROE] Devi couldn't

believe her eyes.

Her brand new friend, whom

she just decided to like,

was stone-cold flirting

with Ben freaking Gross.

- [BEN] Oh!

- Excuse me!

[MCENROE] Pencil games?

Why don't they just go

at it on the lab table?

What happened to the Aneesa who put

Ben in his place the other night?

As Devi thought back

on that interaction,

it looked a little different to her.

Since you're new, you should know

you're hanging out

with a social grenade.

[ANEESA LAUGHS]

Yeah, I'm not gonna take social advice

from a guy who looks like he still

gets his hair cut by

a children's barber.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[MCENROE] Mother of Borg!

That's some sexual tension.

And was that a g*dd*mn Beyoncé

hair-flip? How had Devi been so blind?

[LAUGHS]

[TEACHER] Okay, agents.

Get your spy glasses on because

today we'll be learning about

bonds.

Covalent bonds.

[MCENROE] No, we won't, Mrs.

Paloma, because this bond was broken.

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]

Then she did a crazy Beyoncé hair-flip.

[SCOFFS] And she didn't even

shower him with dandruff!

Devi, you're holding that

pen like a Kn*fe again.

Oh yeah, my b.

It's just Does she

not know girl code?

You don't flirt with your friend's ex!

Did you tell her he's your ex?

No, but she should be able to

sense it. Our chemistry is palpable.

So you still have feelings for Ben.

I should've picked Ben in the

first place! He was all in.

I got greedy, Doc.

Now my hands are covered in the

crumbs of my failed relationships.

[LAUGHING] Oh hell, Devi.

I am so glad to have you back,

but I'm gonna need

time-and-a-half for these sessions.

I know I really hurt Ben,

but deep down, I still

think there's hope for us.

Well, I thought you said that

he would never forgive you.

Yeah, but full-blown hatred is

kind of a comfortable place for us.

We've done that 180 before.

But not if Aneesa keeps

grabbing his g*dd*mn pencil.

Is that a euphemism? Uh,

I don't even wanna know.

Devi, regardless of what

happens between you and Ben,

I think we need to work

on your approach to stress.

Perhaps, introduce some techniques

that would help you avoid

Losing my sh*t? Okay. Okay.

What are we thinking?

Meditation? Candles?

[GASPS] Could you prescribe me weed?

Or is that like only for real doctors?

Watch it.

Right. I'm thinking

something more simple.

Like, when you feel that surge

of anger coming up, stop

[INHALES DEEPLY] take a deep breath,

and listen to some soothing music

or anything that'll bring you peace.

- I think weed would be more effective.

- No.

Fine, I'll try it.

[MCENROE] Dr. Ryan was

a bit of a know-it-all,

but maybe she had a point.

Maybe it was possible

to handle stressful situations

in a mature, rational

What up, dude?

- Aah!

- Whoa, are you okay?

[MCENROE] As if you care, Aneesa!

Nope. Bad McEnroe. Bad!

Yep! I'm fine.

I was just, um, remembering an article

about how we all swallow at

least 20 spiders while we sleep.

That's been debunked.

Speaking of swallowing stuff

Not sexual. Let me

finish! Also, not sexual.

My mom made some of

her signature fudgies.

But are they sexual?

[MCENROE] Damn it! Devi was

gonna make the same joke.

Except, it was longer and less funny.

So why'd your mom make the

brownies? What's the occashe?

She made them for Eve, but

Eve is vegan, gluten-free,

and thinks that M&M's are complicit

in the corporatization of America.

It's like my mom doesn't even know her.

Well, have you introduced them?

Oh no, no. Are you kidding

me? Eve can't meet my mom.

Why? I thought your mom's

supportive of your relationship.

Yeah, too supportive.

She's trying so hard to be an ally,

but she keeps saying the wrong thing.

Like yesterday, she asked me

if I wanted to get a

funky, lesbian haircut.

- [WHIRRING]

- Oh, queen.

Yeah, that's not great.

Hey, at least you're allowed to date.

My mom covered my eyes during

the kiss in Lady and the Tramp

so I wouldn't get any ideas.

[MCENROE] But it seems as though

you have gotten some ideas, Aneesa.

And we all know who

your spaghetti-dog is.

[MOUTHFUL] And stop being

such an elegant eater!

Devi, there you are. May

I talk to you for a moment?

So it's come to my attention

that you have been skipping

PE for several weeks.

Right. I was told

that my credits weren't

gonna count at my high school in India,

so I figured, "What's the point?"

Since you're no longer moving to India,

that credit very much does count.

I see. So where am I at? A "B"?

[SCOFFS] A "B-plus"?

- No, you're getting an "F."

- [SCREAMS]

Okay. [CHUCKLES] Now, let's just relax.

Coach Noble has agreed to bump

up your grade if you participate

in my cross country team's 24-hour

relay for charity. [CHUCKLES]

Ugh! Can't I write an essay

about the history of

track and field instead?

No. Nobody wants to read that.

You just get a team together.

You're doing the relay.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Hey, I have a weird request.

We'll be on your team.

We heard everything.

You only walked like two feet away.

- I'll ask you Eve too!

- Cool, I'll text Eleanor.

Oh, she's out. She has extra

Glass Menagerie rehearsals.

sh*t. What other friends do we

have? Should we ask the lunch ladies?

I could ask some of my robotics peeps.

Oh, wait, let's

Hey, Eric! Do you wanna

join our 24-hour relay team?

Hell, yes, I do!

Me and my real human

girlfriend will be there.

Okay! Well, that's me

and Eve, Eric and Rosalia,

Devi, Aneesa.

Who else should we invite?

What about Ben?

[MCENROE] And boom goes the dynamite.

We had fun with him

the other night, right?

Yes, we did.

You should totally, totally text him.

Now if you'll excuse

me, I'm just gonna

go over here.

[PANTS]

[MCENROE] As Devi felt the

rage building up inside her,

she remembered Dr. Ryan's advice,

and decided to listen to something

soothing that could calm her down.

[MOHAN] Uh, hi, it's Dad.

Um, I'm here at the mall to pick you up.

Uh, I'm parked in front of P.F. Chang's,

but a brute security guard

is making me circle around.

Oh, wait, I see you. Ah,

there's my perfect girl.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Nope, not interested in joining

whatever cult this is. Thank you.

No, no, worry not!

We are from Kamala's lab.

I am Evan. This is Setseg.

We're here to pick her up

for the video game convention.

Right. Okay.

Why don't you wait right there?

And if you don't mind,

please take off your shoes.

I'm afraid that's not possible.

My shoes are connected to my pants.

My shoes are not connected to my pants,

but you do not want me to take them off.

Right, okay, yeah.

Kamala, y-your friends are here, ma!

Technically, we're her

bosses, thank you very much.

So how much did this house cost?

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Holy sh*t!

[NALINI] Ayyo.

[IN TAMIL] Why do you look like

a sexy flight attendant from Mars?

[IN TAMIL] I have to dress this

way to get respected in my work.

suggestive female character I could find.

We should skedaddle, but it was

a pleasure meeting all of you.

I enjoyed hearing you

speak your native tongue.

It is a beautiful, beautiful language.

Blessings upon your

horns. Setseg, the door.

- It's open.

- [EVAN] I can see that.

This is so undignified.

I know.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Okay, mitoshondria.

Mitochondria.

- Right.

- Um [SIGHS]

It's the powerhouse of the cell,

which turns nutrients

into chemical energy.

- Dude, you got it!

- Ha!

Hell, yeah! Suck it, science!

- [LAUGHS]

- [DEVI SNIFFS]

Did you just smell me?

- No.

- Okay.

I think we've done some good work

today. Should we take a break?

Paxton, this is the first card.

You have 99 more terms left to

learn before your test on Monday.

sh*t! School's so repetitive.

Why can't it be more like swimming?

You dropped pencil.

Oh. Thanks.

- [GIGGLES]

- [DEVI] You know what?

Maybe it's healthy for you to learn

some things don't come so easy.

- Oh my God.

- [LAUGHS] Move!

[MCENROE] Well, well,

well. Who are they?

Doubles-partners Bob and Mike Bryan,

incapable of doing

anything on their own?

Hey, Devi, Ben and I are

helping set up the 24-hour relay.

Look who got a free badge

that says "volunteer"?

Ya bish! [LAUGHS]

Cool! Yeah, I used to be a Girl Scout,

so I have like hella badges at home.

Cool.

Aneesa, come on!

We gotta get there first so our tents

aren't next to the porta-potties.

All right. See you guys later.

Why is she so excited? Who even

wants to go to a 24-hour relay?

I do? It rocks!

I mean, there's a

reason everyone calls it

the 69-hour three-way. [CHUCKLES]

- Say what?

- Everyone hooks up there.

I mean, I'd definitely go if we

didn't have to study all weekend.

Oh. Uh, about that. I kinda have to go.

Not to hook up! Just so I don't fail PE.

Wait, what? How am I supposed to

learn all this stuff without you?

You have the flashcards.

That's the hard part.

All you have to do is review

them over for three days straight.

That's the fun part.

- [SIGHS]

- Yay.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey! So since my mom is head chaperone,

she insisted on making us team shirts.

[DEVI] "The Jodie Fasters."

Wow, you weren't kidding.

Oh, snap! You decided

to introduce her to Eve?

No. Why would you say that?

Damn, I forgot they

were both gonna be here!

[DEVI] It doesn't seem like

they recognize each other.

Your lack of social media presence

has once again saved the day.

I'll have to spend the next 24

hours trying to keep them apart.

Don't worry. Everyone's so

consumed with their own stuff

that they forget to stop and notice

what's going on with other people.

Like for instance, what's

going on with Ben and Aneesa?

They seem kind of chummy, right?

Oh, you don't have to worry.

Aneesa is way out of Ben's league.

Okay? She would never stoop that low.

- No offense.

- Facts. You're probably right.

And besides, this is an open field

surrounded by parents and teachers.

Where would they even do it anyway?

Welcome to the Spurt

Yurt! Sign up to hook up.

Unless you're a teacher. In that

case, this is just a study hall.

Trent, what is this?

It's a safe space to consensually rail.

It's kinda my modern take

on the classic Billy

Wilder film, The Apartment.

I really tricked it out this year.

[UNZIPPING]

It's pretty sweet, huh?

My brother stole that soundproofing foam

when he got kicked out of his band.

That means you can O

as loud as you want.

[MCENROE] Holy sh*t! Was Paxton right?

Was this boring-ass charity

event really an all-night orgy?

Well, what do you say,

mon petit croissant?

Shall I sign us up for

an amorous escapade?

Yes, please! I got some raw oysters

in my backpack to get us in the mood.

Uh, is this a sign-up list?

Are you thinking about

doing a solo sesh? Respect.

[MCENROE] Devi had been right all along.

This place was more sexed-up

than the Olympic Village,

and Ben Gross had a

prime time 9:00 p.m. slot.

It didn't take a 4.0 GPA to

know who his plus-one would be.

[MOHAN ON VOICEMAIL] Uh, hi, it's Dad.

Um, I'm here at the mall to pick you up.

- I'm parked in front of

- [ALL CHEERING]

Welcome to the 24-hour relay.

Now, we all know the rules.

One member from each team

must be running the one-mile

loop at all times for 24 hours.

On your marks!

Agh! Too bad we're on the same team,

because I'd kick your

ass on this course.

Oh. That's cute that

you think so, sweetheart,

but my sick calf

definition begs to differ.

- Boom.

- [CHUCKLES]

[MCENROE] Damn it! They're bantering.

That was Devi and Ben's thing.

What move was Aneesa going to steal

next? A playful punch to the arm?

[BEN GIGGLES]

[MCENROE] Son of a bitch!

- [FEEDBACK]

- Get set!

Mr. Shapiro, please do the honors.

As a practicing pacifist, I

will not be using a starting g*n.

Instead, I will be playing three

notes of peace on this Peruvian siku.

[BLOWING SIKU]

- That means you can go.

- [ALL CHEERING]

[MCENROE] Ben and Aneesa were

getting way too close for comfort.

Devi had to get back quickly

before anything else could happen,

which meant she had to beast

the sh*t out of this mile.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay, so maybe Devi wasn't

a world-class athlete.

And speaking as a world-class athlete,

weird choice to wear

full-face makeup to this event.

[PANTING]

Jesus, David, you

never exercised before?

Not intentionally, no.

[GROANS]

I think I have

jogging-induced appendicitis!

Medic? Medic!

You have a cramp.

[SIGHS] Here.

Let me show you this trick my dad's

training buddy Dwayne showed him.

Dwayne Johnson.

[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]

All right.

"The Krebs cycle."

The cycle of Krebs?

Not even close.

[SIGHS]

All right.

Krebs cycle.

When am I ever gonna have to

know the Krebs cycle in my life?

It's so stupid!

[SLURPING]

- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

- [WHIRRING]

All right.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Krebs cycle.

sh*t. [SIGHS]

Stupid science!

I thought it was the

opposite of swimming.

Thirty minutes before you run,

you're supposed to

eat as much as you can.

That is extremely incorrect.

Has the cramp gone?

I think so.

[SIGHS]

Why are you being nice to me?

Well, this is a charity event, and

you are, after all, a charity case.

[SCOFFS]

Banter.

Did the loop feel short to you? I

didn't even get my heart rate up.

[BEN GROANS]

Aneesa, let's go play cornhole.

Try not to die.

While Ben did seem less furious at her,

it couldn't extinguish

the red-hot sparks

sizzling between him and Aneesa.

- I mean, Christ, look at them!

- [SIGHS]

[MCENROE] They just shared ChapStick.

That's like the high school equivalent

of a glass of brandy before sex.

Screw deep breaths and voicemails!

It was time for Devi to

put these two lovebirds

on the endangered species list.

- [TABLET CHIMING]

- Yes! [CHUCKLES]

Whoa, I've never finished the

Saturday puzzle in under 20 minutes!

How do you know so many weird facts?

I spend a lot of time editing Wikipedia.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hey, do you wanna go

somewhere more private?

Maybe the woods where

there's no people around?

That sounded romantic, but

also creepy at the same time.

Great! Let's go to the woods.

["BAD HABITS" BY MADAME GANDHI PLAYING]

[MCENROE] Devi was hell-bent

on keeping Ben and Aneesa

away from each other,

and nothing was going

to stand in her way

- Hey.

- Paxton? What are you doing here?

- You're supposed to be studying.

- I was, but studying is kinda boring,

and it's less boring with you.

[MCENROE] Damn. Did this hunk of beef

just say he likes

spending time with her?

You know, because you teach me

stuff in a fun way, like a Muppet.

Okay, we gotta stop letting

this kid get our hopes up.

Remember, he said you

two don't make any sense.

Also, you still kinda owe me.

You're gonna feel real bad

if I can't get into college.

Yeah, I'll help you study,

but I have to take care

of one thing really quick.

- I'll be right there.

- [PAXTON] All right.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, Ben. It seems like

it's your turn to run.

Really? I thought I go after Rosalia.

Yeah, Ben's right. I made up an

acronym to help us remember the order.

DARBEEF, as in, "Dar, who

beefed?" Isn't that helpful?

No. Your fart-related

acronym is not helpful, Eric,

because Ben goes after Eve, and

she's finishing up her loop, okay?

Not okay! You can't talk to me

like that. I'm a boyfriend now.

It's fine. I'll go.

My trainer's pissed at me

for missing leg-day anyway.

["BAD HABITS" PLAYING]

[BEATBOXING]

- Ready? Oh!

- Oh! No! Okay.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You go.

Ooh ♪

Ooh ♪

All my bad habits ♪

Have got to, got to go ♪

But it don't ♪

All my bad habits ♪

Have got to, got to go ♪

But it don't ♪

It's my turn again? Are you sure?

Yep.

All my bad habits ♪

Have got to, got to go ♪

But it don't ♪

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

- [BOTH LAUGH]

- Literally, it was so

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[FARTING]

Yeah, I don't like this.

Fair enough.

Here.

[MCENROE] Game, set, match.

Devi might've been the

worst runner I've ever seen,

but she truly was the

Usain Bolt of cockblocking.

No way were these two

making it to Trent's tent

for their 9:00 p.m. hookup sesh.

Devi!

Don't worry, Miss Dubs. I'm all over it.

What? Devi!

- Yo, did I get your d*ck?

- No.

Okay. Want to get zooted? I got edibles.

Yeah.

[MCENROE] Devi had earned her victory

lap, and for the first time ever,

she was enjoying the

feeling of exercise.

The wind through her hair, the

soft crunch of leaves underfoot,

the sight of Ben and Aneesa

going to Trent's tent!

What? How? Man, teenagers are horny.

[MS. WARNER] No stopping on the

course! That means you, Devi.

[MCENROE] Only seven

minutes to stop them.

This was gonna have

to be the fastest mile

of Devi Vishwakumar's entire life.

[PANTING]

[MCENROE] Or not.

What?

["BAD HABITS" PLAYING]

All my bad habits ♪

Have got to, got to go ♪

[MCENROE] Okay, so she

was gonna have to cheat.

[GROANS]

[GRUNTS] sh*t!

Really?

All my bad habits ♪

Have got to, got to go ♪

All my bad habits ♪

Have got to, got to go ♪

Do you need water?

Damn it! [GRUNTS]

I need my phone.

Huh? Where's my phone?

Have you seen my phone?

Have you seen my phone?

Oh, hey! Um, Aneesa, right?

You've been running

sub-six-minute miles all day.

Any interest in joining

the cross country team?

No, you r*cist! I'm not Aneesa!

I don't run fast, I'm not cool,

and I don't eat one crumb of brownie

because I'm straight-up anorexic! Okay?

Hey, Devi. Not to get in the

way of your little meltdown

Which is going great, by the way.

The scratches on your face are hilare.

But did you just say that Aneesa is ano?

Yeah! Probably! I've never

seen her eat a damn thing!

Oh my God! That's, like,

so sad about Aneesa.

We probs shouldn't tell anyone,

because it's, like, private.

[MCENROE] So far the 24-hour

relay had sucked a big fat one.

Ben and Aneesa were probably hooking up,

and even worse, Devi had lost

her dad's voicemails forever.

[SIGHS]

What's up, Devi?

- Paxton?

- Where you been?

I was trying to study,

but Trent got me loose.

[LAUGHS]

But don't worry. I'm ready to

learn the sh*t out of this sh*t.

[SNORING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[YAWNING]

[SOBBING]

Hey. Aneesa, are you

crying? What happened?

Apparently, everyone's talking about me.

They're saying I have

an eating disorder.

Really? That's terrible.

But hey, it's just a rumor, right?

Whoever said that is

probably just jealous of you.

Devi, it's not a rumor.

It's true. [SNIFFLING]

It's the reason I had

to leave my last school.

[MCENROE] Oh, sh*t,

Devi. This is not good.

I wanted to start fresh here, and

everything was going so well. I

I don't know how they found out.

- Hey

- [SOBBING]

[BITTERSWEET MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNIFFLING]

Oh, uh

Here's your phone.

You must've dropped it while running.

Attention, students, the relay is over.

And thanks to you,

we've raised enough money

to pay the school's legal fees

for that slip-and-fall case.

Wait, that's what we were running for?

[GASPS] Oh, hey!

[GRUNTS]

What the frick? Why did you push me?

Every time that PTA woman is nearby,

you start acting weird as hell.

[SIGHS] Eve, I have to come clean.

That woman isn't a woman at all.

She's a mother. My mother.

She is?

Do you not want me to meet

her? Are you embarrassed of me?

No, of course not!

I'm embarrassed of her.

I know she's gonna say

something weird to you.

She's definitely gonna tell you

how much she liked the movie Carol.

Great, I hope she does. It's

my favorite Christmas movie.

Now, suck it up and introduce us.

Fab. Haven't seen you for the whole

relay. Where've you been hiding?

Hi, Mom. Um

This is Eve, my girlfriend.

Eve? The Eve?

Oh my gosh, it is so

nice to finally meet you!

Did Fabiola tell you? I hung

a rainbow flag on our porch.

That's awesome! And also,

great job on the relay.

Everything looks amazing.

Aw! Well, if you think this looks good,

wait until you see what the

PTA does for the Winter Dance.

You two are going, right?

I don't really think

that's our thing, Mom.

Uh, it's the Winter Dance. [CHUCKLES]

It's a tradition!

It's where they crown the

Cricket King and Queen.

Mom, it's just a popularity contest

that's like super heteronormative

and reinforces the gender binary.

Right, Eve?

Yeah, I don't know

if anyone really cares

about Cricket King and Queen anymore.

I was Cricket Queen.

Oh, I'm so sorry

And Fabiola's dad was Cricket King.

We were actually the first

Cricket King and Queen of color.

Whoa, that's amazing!

And it may sound silly,

but it really meant a lot

to all of the other

students who looked like us.

Oh my God, Fab,

we should run for

Cricket King and Queen!

Cricket Queen and Queen.

That is an excellent idea. [CHUCKLES]

Is it too early to say, "Yas, Queens!"

- Mom, yes.

- [LAUGHING] It's not too early at all.

Fab, your mom's so cool.

[ELISE] Aw! I love Eve.

You should come to our house

and watch Carol sometime.

- I love Carol.

- [ELISE] Okay.

So come with me because

I wanted to talk

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, what happened to you? Did

you get att*cked by another coyote?

I wish.

- Dr. Vishwakumar.

- Yes, Ms. Warner. How are you?

Well, everything is mediocre.

But listen, I just want to tell you

what a successful relay Devi had.

Not only did she do all of her laps,

but I saw her working extra hard to

get her teammates involved as well.

Consider your PE grade

changed to an "A."

Thank you. That's very nice of you.

You're welcome.

Well, well, young lady.

You should be proud of yourself.

Shut the trunk.

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR BEEPS]

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

[MCENROE] Devi was far

from proud of herself.

[MOHAN ON VOICEMAIL] Uh, hi, it's Dad.

Um, I'm here at the mall to pick you up.

Uh, I'm parked in front

of P.F. Chang's, but

[SOFTLY] Is that her?

- No, it's the other one. The skinny one.

- Oh Okay.

[MCENROE] The rumor had

spread like a wine stain

on a pair of tennis whites.

Was that why Aneesa

wasn't at school today?

Devi couldn't imagine feeling any lower.

[MS. WARNER ON INTERCOM]

Devi Vishwakumar,

please report to the principal's office.

[MCENROE] Until now.

["YELLOW SEA" BY MADAME GANDHI PLAYING]

[VOCALIZING]

If I drum the b*at ♪

Will you sing with me ♪

If I drum the b*at ♪

Will you sing with me ♪

If I drum the b*at ♪

Will you sing with me ♪

A yellow sea around me ♪

A yellow sea around me ♪

When I get lost I

just turn on "Wazey" ♪

She always knows

which way to take me ♪

Basking naked ♪

Where the sun rays hit me ♪

A yellow sea around me ♪

[VOCALIZING]

If I drum the b*at ♪

Will you sing with me ♪

If I drum the b*at ♪

[VOCALIZING]