05x11 - Money Trees

[bunniefuu]

♪ This must be my season ♪

♪ These bands is cohesive ♪

To say this semester has
started off with a bang

would be an understatement.

When you go from Zoey's little brother

to Junior Johnson, Five Star Gamma Man,

life just hits different.

♪ Looking laminated ♪

Wow. This is the third time this week.

How do they keep getting in here?

♪ Mm ♪

♪ Get it, get it, get it, unh ♪

It's like no matter here
I go, all eyes are on me.

And to be real, I ain't mad at it.

♪ It's feeling like the weekend ♪

♪ Tuesday, but it's
feeling like the weekend ♪

♪ Oh, God, I be looking for a reason ♪

Are y'all seeing this? Wha...

♪ Oh, my God, it's
feeling like the weekend ♪

Okay.

♪ Tuesday, but it's
feeling like the weekend ♪

But it isn't just about sex.

It's also about making
a woman feel special.

You know, being fully present.

Earl is your middle brother, right?

He finally opened up that
ice cream shop in Vallejo.

That's what's up.

I can't believe you remember that.

You are such a good listener, Junior.

Well, you know, listening is
the essence of everything...

[French accent] Excuse me, sir?

Uh, we're straight, garcon. Merci.*

Not quite.

Your card was declined.

♪♪

I hope the valet's
prepared for some bad news.

♪♪

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ Learn something new every day ♪

♪ I don't know, so I'mma feel my way ♪

♪ Got the weight of the world on me ♪

♪ But no regrets, this is what I say ♪

♪ Watch out, world, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪
♪ You can tell me ♪

♪ My heart b*ating so loud ♪

♪ Mama, look, I'm grown now ♪

♪ I'm grown ♪

♪ I'm in two time zones,
finding money where I'm at ♪

♪ I got new pink stones, find
me shining from the back ♪

♪ Gotta keep to my lone,
'less she wanna make it clap ♪

♪ If you ask for a loan,
well, I can't do that ♪

♪ I need more ♪

Late night, stud?

Yeah, my man was working on his
stroke game last night with Candice.

She got that hourglass ass, huh?

How can an ass be hourglass?

Nah, my credit card got declined,

and I was so embarrassed,

I had to Charlie Brown
walk all the way home.

Yikes, so you're officially
a broke-ass scrub.

Ever since he turned her down, you could

cut the tension between
them with a hot butter Kn*fe.

What year is it where
you grew up, again?

Zaara: Don't be too
hard on yourself, Junior.

These things happen.

I mean, not to me, 'cause I
am financially responsible.

Oh, here we go.

Unlike some people... like you.

Don't your parents pay for your stuff?

I mean, you can't flex

when you're still suckling
on Mommy and Daddy's teat.

Okay, first, ew.

And second, Junior's
parents pay his way, too.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. They... They
pay for my dorm and my tuition.

Everything else, I've
saved up from working.

All I'm saying is
things are a lot harder

when you have to go to
school and work on the side.

Yeah, I mean, that is true.

I'm blessed to be on a scholarship,

but football is pretty
much a full-time job.

[Scoffs]

You ever try reading Nietzsche

and doing chest presses
at the same time?

I-It's impossible.

Sure, blame the dumbbells.

Yeah, but even when your
parents do support you,

it comes with obligations,

like having to abandon your
dreams of becoming a singer

just to go into something more practical

like occupational therapy.

What?

Was singing even my dream?
I can barely remember.

I'm just so focused on
this one now, you know?

Well, I still need to find a
way to bring in some extra bread.

With your broke ass.

How does she keep doing that?

You know what you could do?

Jump on the stock market.

You know, I've heard a lot
of people make money that way.

Oh, yes, the good ol' S&P,

or NASDAQ, if you're nasty.

Literally cringe.

But here, look at this.

Welcome to "The Stock Drop."

Thanks to new apps like
Robinhood and Treasure Island,

which have straight curbed
commission and fees,

trading has never been
more Gen Z accessible.

So you don't have to be a blue
blood to get some blue chip.

In fact, forums like
WallStreetBets and TikTok

have now become communities
for a whole new brand

of counterculture trading
and shady shorting.

GameStop, anyone?

But the main reason to invest,
my children, remains the same.

That money that you plop
into your bank account

for safekeeping is actually
losing its value due to inflation.

So if you aren't making
your money work for you

in the market, what
the hell are you doing?

Okay, wow, it's a bit
harsh, but to the point.

But I don't know. It still
sounds a little bit risky.

Hmm. Well, you gotta risk it
if you want the biscuit, champ.

I know, but I am gonna
explore some different avenues.

Okay, but if you start an OnlyFans,

I legally have to report it, as your RA.

- Bro, you're just a snitch.
- It's a job.

Yo, uh, expiration dates
are just suggestions, right?

Yes, that is a scam
to get you to buy more.

Okay, cool.

[Cellphone chimes]

Check from Metaverse just dropped.

, smackers, man.

- What?
- $ , . Do you think it's a mistake?

No, bro, those speakers make bank.

Yo, that Tony Robbins dude,

his teeth are so big because
there's diamonds all in them.

Oh, my gosh.

Whoo.

- I'm... I'm... I'm working.
- Okay.

Listen, man, do you have any idea

how any bills I can
get paid off right now?

Do you? Water bill... paid!

We finna be wet.

The last three flatscreen
payments... paid!

Now I can finally go into that Best Buy

without the security
guard chasing me out.

Yo, would you mind kicking me
a few racks for my new venture?

Ray's letting me put on an open
mic night weekly at, uh, Bar None.

Okay, let's not get greedy.

Right now you're giving me a "lotto
winner's cousin" vibes right now.

But you know what I will do?

I'm gonna go get some champagne.

You know what else I'm gonna get?

I'm gonna get the dino egg
oatmeal you love so much

so we can celebrate when I get back.

- Yes!
- Yeah. Put 'er there.

That's dynamic duo vibes right there.

Dude, I feel lighter, man. I do.

The air is clearer.

Now that I'm monied, I'm going out.

And getting that dino egg oatmeal.

- See you later.
- Peace.

["It's the Most Wonderful
Time of the Year" plays]

♪ It's the most wonderful time ♪

Ooh!

♪ Of the year ♪

♪ Dingdong, dingdong ♪

♪ With the kids jingle belling ♪

Ugh! Ugh! Which one, which one?

♪ Be of good cheer ♪

I can get both, and I'll get
one for my little friend, Doug,

because I just... I got it like that.

♪ Time of the year ♪

- ♪ It's the hap-happiest ♪
- [Whistling]

♪ Season of all ♪

So, on? Off? On? On. Alright.

- ♪ With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings ♪
- [Beeps]

- ♪ When friends come to call ♪
- How are ya?

May I please get a
large quadruple espresso

with your most expensive, bougiest milk?

- And is caramel drizzle extra?
- Yes.

Well, then, a caramel
drizzle I shall have.

Thank you.

♪ It's the most ♪

Are you unhoused?

No.

You take that anyway.

[Whispers] I won't tell anyone.

- ♪ Oh, the most ♪
- Alright, thank you.

Thank you, and a good day to you.

- ♪ Of the year ♪
- I'm rich, bitch!

♪♪

[FaceTime rings]

Desperate times call
for desperate measures.

And it doesn't get more desperate

than being pitied by a French waiter.

Hey, favorite bro.

Don't tell Devante I said that.

[Chuckles] How's life?

Let's skip the pleasantries, Junior.

I'm halfway through this ice cream

and every second counts,
alright? What's up?

Wow, so, I'm competing for
time with a Popsicle? Got it.

Uh, I'll cut to the chase.

Look, I know that Diane makes sure

that you keep something saved up,

so I was wondering if you could,

you know, loan me some cash?

Ooh.

Wait, h-how did you go
from having an apartment,

a full-time job, and owning your
own air fryer to asking me for money?

Hey, I've been about my studies, okay?

All the money's going out.

Tempting. Still a no for me.

Oh, I like them square.

Aw, man, come on. Dating is expensive.

Man, I just need me a little
something to tide me over, okay?

I'm gonna get a part-time job,

then I'll be able to pay you back.

Well, I'm getting to the gumball eyes,

so this is what I'm gonna do.

I will send you a little
walking-around money,

but just know at some point, I
will be asking you for a favor.

So no questions asked,
no expiration date,

just stay ready.

Thaaanks.

- You're the man.
- [FaceTime ends]

♪♪

Man, this is gonna spread through

the family text chain like wildfire.

♪♪

Hmm.

Interesting.

Annika: I love you, girl, but
what the hell are we doing?

I just feel like I should give a
symbolic sendoff to my singing career.

Then I can fully embrace

my next exciting chapter
as a mechanical engineer.

Wait, I thought you were gonna
be an occupational therapist?

I haven't decided yet. Don't box me in.

Okay, I got you.

But some of this stuff is really nice.

Are you sure you don't
want to sell it on eBay?

No, I'm ready to cut the cord...

no pun intended.

[Sighs]

Goodbye to my trusty microphone.

You've been with me through
all my musical phases,

from Christian screamo to Black gospel.

Yeah, I'd maybe keep
that last one to yourself.

[Sighs]

May you sit at the Lord's right hand.

[Thuds] Ohhh.

And I was the primary dish
washer in a house of nine,

so needless to say, these hands
are no stranger to a sponge.

[Chuckles]

Well, it certainly sounds like
you're qualified for the job.

- Mm-hmm.
- Got any questions for me?

One question. What's starting pay?

So we're starting at $ an hour.

Okay, so if I work
hours a week at $ an hour,

after state and federal taxes,

plus Medicare and Social Security,

my actual take-home is like...

[Cash register dings]

... $ ?

Give or take.

Junior: sh*t, $ ? No way.

I need to get paid.

I have to go all-in on the stock market,

because after all...

I say greed is good.

And done.

There are a lot of things I'm bad at,

like parallel parking or whistling,

and I swear, nobody
wants to see me Griddy.

But I have discovered that there
is one thing I'm really good at,

and that is making money.

You see, I was able to take
that money from my brother

and invest it in mutuals,
stocks, and NFTs,

sell it at just the right time,

and make bank.

Yo, yo.

Are you going to school in your pajamas

like a hungover, white sorority girl?

No, bro, I just got caught
up in the biotech trade.

The market is looking
really bullish right now.

Okay.

Well, in the meantime, get dressed, bro.

We both have classes
across campus in .

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll
throw something on quick.

I'll be right behind you.

Alright, well, I'm telling
everybody you're taking a dump.

[Sighs]

♪♪

Maybe just one more trade.

♪ Money, money, money all the
time, what I'm thinkin' 'bout ♪

♪ It's on my mind all the
time, all I think about ♪

♪ Pull up in the whip, new
drip, what's your bank account? ♪

♪ Hop up out a drop, stop,
what y'all talkin' 'bout? ♪

♪ Money, money, money,
all I think about ♪

♪ Hop up out the drop, new... ♪

Who's ready for Wing Wednesday?

What the hell, Junior?

You haven't moved since
I left nine hours ago.

It's these damn Chinese markets, man.

I can't take my eyes off
them. They are so shifty.

The... The markets, not
the people. I'm not r*cist.

Okay, how about we get you up?

Yeah.

It's the bulls and the bears, man.

Maybe it is time for you to take
a bathroom break, huh, buddy?

Understood.

Alright.

Understood.

Lauryn: Okay, here we go.

Taking the first step on my
new way to becoming a CPA.

Are you sure you want to do this?

I just can't see you
being about that whole

calculators and pencil skirts life.

Absolutely.

So... what's up with you and Junior?

You were, to borrow your phrase,

very shady to him the other day.

Oh, please.

He's a big boy. He can take it.

And I'm a big girl who's
totally over the whole situation.

Are you sure you're fine?

Never been better.

Are you sure you're fine?

Totally, totally.

[Sighs]

Guess we are just two girls

who are totally fine and cool

with their current situations.

Looks like it.

♪ Yo ♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪ Yo, all I care about
is countin' money ♪

♪ All I care about is countin' money ♪

They say money never sleeps,

and I just got a major stock tip

on Latex from WallStreetBets,

so all I have to do is keep
my eyes on the prize...

Phones away, Mr. Johnson.

... and take my Anthro test

and sell at just the right time.

And they say men can't multitask.

- [Cellphone chimes]
- Oh, here we go.

Just a few dollars away from my target.

Johnson, I said put the phone away.

This is not an open-book quiz.

[Cellphone chimes]

Uh, th-this... this is a
financial emergency, sir.

I just... I need to do one more thing.

I don't care if it's World w*r III.

I said put it away. Now.

[Cellphone chimes]

♪♪

[Cellphone chimes]

♪♪

[Sighs]

I gotta go.

Sorry.

Come on, come on.

[Cellphone chimes]

Yes! Yes! Sold just in time!

Black Warren Buffett!

Ooh, ooh.

Oh.

I took the liberty of grading
your quiz early for you.

And we'll be discussing
your performance,

or lack thereof, after class.

♪♪

The F is for [bleep].

Professor Wilkes: Look, Junior.

I know not everybody shares my
passion for tribal anthropology,

but that was incredibly disrespectful.

What's going on?

Okay, uh, in all honesty,

I got into investing as a way
to sort of pay my way here.

But it is really hard to plan around

class and the market and...

You just have to be ready to pounce.

Much like the Batwa pygmy tribe

pounced on the Ugandan government

to reclaim their ancestral land.

Don't pander to me, Johnson.

Sorry.

Look, finances are important,

but if they take away from
your commitment to college,

what's it all for?

You're right, Professor.
School comes first.

Trading will...

just have to go on the
back burner for now.

And I highly suggest you take
the extra credit that I sent.

You need it.

Will do.

Uh, and to show my gratitude,

next class, there's a shiny,
red apple with your name on it.

- Please exit my classroom.
- Got it. Yes, sir.

Alright, and before we
dive into today's lesson

about the very exciting
History of the Minstrel Show,

first I have a quick
announcement to make.

And that is, there will
be no class next Tuesday.

[Cheers and applause]

Very rude response, but moving on.

The reason we won't be meeting

is because I have another talk
to give at Metaverse, okay?

So if you guys want some
comped tickets, let me know.

I've got cash to spare.

- Tomato, tomato, tomato.
- No.

Alright, that's also another
highly inappropriate response.

I blame your parents, honestly.

Well, actually, it's a pretty
appropriate response to you being BFFs

with a socially irresponsible
company like Metaverse.

In fact, I'd call it low-key
gracious, unlike Metaverse.

What are you two talking about?

You don't know? [Scoffs]

And he asks us to cite
our sources, like...

They do a sh*t ton of shady things

to protect their bottom line.

They exploit laborers to save money,

and they heavily discourage them

from forming their own unions.

Yeah, but that's all alleged, right?

You know "alleged" is just journalist

for "it's true, but don't sue us"?

Okay, well, thank you guys so much

for bringing this to my attention.

I will, uh, look into it, alright?

- Let's...
- Oh, it's actually kind of crazy

you didn't know this, Professor.

Yeah, it kind of feels like you should

give A's for the semester

to the students who told you about it.

Thank you, Zaara and Kiela.

Your aggressive
informing is appreciated,

but now I have a class to teach.

♪♪

Okay, this is my specialty
drink I've been working on.

It is called "The Dirty Doug."

Boom.

Yeah, I'd workshop that name
a little more, if I were you.

Okay. Damn.

Everything alright?

Everything's great! We're celebrating.

Because today, I decided
I'm gonna be an architect.

Oh, dope.

So now we're an architect?

Girl, you're giving me whiplash.

First you wanted to be
an occupational therapist,

then an accountant,
then a marine biologist,

then a crypt keeper.

I don't want to be any of those things.

What I want is to be a singer,

but I made a deal with my parents.

Look, no disrespect
to your moms and pops,

but I know what it's
like to take the safe path

and still have it blow up, right?

Any road you take, I mean,

you're gonna have some kind of risk.

So why not risk it on
something that you love, right?

Look, actually, I'm doing
an open mic night here.

No pressure, but sign up.

I mean, you'd be able to
scratch that singing itch

and then at the same time,

do your accounting thing on the side.

Just don't do no math on my stage, okay?

[Chuckles] Okay. Thank you.

- Yeah.
- See?

Aren't you glad we came out?

And I'm not gonna lie...
this drink's not bad.

What's in a Dirty Doug?

Oh, I can't let you
in on all my secrets.

Sorry.

♪ I won't wait for you ♪

Doug: Whoo! Alright.

Now we both got a reason to celebrate.

You have your boss man talks,

and I have a full roster
for my first open mic night.

Mm-hmm.

I don't really know if I
have much to celebrate, man.

I mean, my kids ripped
me a new one today.

- Read me for filth.
- W... wait, bro.

How can you be sad

when you heard the sound
of a crisp bottle pop,

and I'm wearing the
sweatshirt that you got me.

Now, that... that is bringing
me some joy, I have to admit.

- [Microwave beeping]
- You know, this is, uh, fitting a bit snug, though.

That part in particular is
what's bringing me the joy.

Oh! Yes!

It's dino egg oatmeal time!

I've never seen someone
that excited over oatmeal.

Mmm!

Mmm.

Dino-mite!

Whoo!

Really, man?

Are y... Are you... Did you
get that out of your system?

- Are you good?
- Uh.

'Cause there's seven
more packs in the box,

and I'm not gonna hear
that seven more times.

Mm.

- Di-no...
- Don't you finish it.

... miiiiite.

Damn.

I'm good.

I need a new roommate.

♪♪

Okay, so maybe Professor Wilkes
is a bit of a Boomer noob,

but he's right.

I gotta buckle down.

I'm here to get an education.

It's the literal definition of college.

[Sighs]

"As the largest living
group of hunter-gatherers,

the Pygmy people of Cameroon

are constantly fighting to
protect their way of life."

Hm.

Whew! That thesis sentence was a doozy.

I think I've earned a quick
peek at the ol' S&P, don't you?

No, no, no! No, we are not doing this.

College is for education.

You'll be glad you did
a report on the Pygmies

one day out in the real world.

But is that what college is for?

Aren't we here so we can
make money in the real world?

This class is costing me
hours of open market time!

That could be tens of
thousands of dollars!

Listen, C's get degrees.

So if the choice is between straight A's

or being straight flush with cash,

all I know is...

I choose rich every [bleep] time.

♪ Game over ♪

[Indistinct conversations]

Okay, I'm almost up.

I can do this.

Right? Maybe?

Oh, absolutely.

- You got this.
- You're right. I can do this.

Zaara: %.

I've got this.

Doug: Please welcome our next singer,

GoGo, to the stage.

♪ How you introduce
me as just the homie? ♪

♪ I caught that ♪

♪ But when we're alone,
you be all up on me ♪

[Cheering]

♪ How 'bout that? ♪

♪ You love me when it's convenient ♪

♪ Can never tell when you mean it ♪

♪ If you're not all the way in it ♪

♪ Maybe you should let
someone else get it ♪

Hey, Lauryn, good luck following that.

♪ 'Cause you ain't really tryna grow ♪

That was the right choice.

♪♪