03x04 - Kaguya Shinomiya's Impossible Demand: "A Cowrie a Swallow Gave Birth To" Part 1/Yu Ishigami Wants to Prove Himse

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Kaguya-sama: Love is w*r". Aired: June 14, 2018 – June 25, 2020.*
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Student council president Miyuki and VP Kaguya appear to be the perfect couple, but both are too proud to confess their love and scheme to make the other confess their love first.
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03x04 - Kaguya Shinomiya's Impossible Demand: "A Cowrie a Swallow Gave Birth To" Part 1/Yu Ishigami Wants to Prove Himse

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STUDENT COUNCIL ROOM

All right, we'll be going now!

Where do you want to go next?

Oh, wait, let me think.

Laser Death Beam!

So, what is this Laser Death Beam?

A beam that breaks up couples who get hit with it.

So it doesn't involve death. That's a relief.

You mustn't envy other people's happiness.

SULK SULK

High school students should be focusing on their studies!

We can't afford to be consumed by romance!

Said while playing a videogame.

All right, then, tell me.

You're not looking for a girlfriend, Ishigami?

Of course not. Who needs one anyway?

Oh. So you're a prude.

Hello!

I came to bring you our exhibit application for the culture festival!

Ts-Ts-Ts...

Tsubame?

Oh, hi there, Yu!

Wh-Wh-What are you doing here?

I told you. I came to turn in our application.

We want to put on a show that blends rhythm gymnastics and theater.

Everyone's working so hard, so it'd be great to get a prime time slot! Just kidding!

So I'd better butter you up!

Okay, see you later, Yu and Kaguya!

Aha. So that's the story.

What story would that be?

You're in love with her, aren't you?

You couldn't be more mistaken.

I was just taken aback because she showed up all of a sudden.

Is that right? I apologize for being so off the mark.

After all...

being that I heard there's no shortage of boys smitten with her...

I just assumed you were one of them.

Yeah?

The thought that you'd fallen in love so recklessly with such an unattainable girl

made my blood run cold.

But a girl that popular must be seeing someone with good looks and a good personality.

Laser Death Beam! Laser Death Beam!

Laser Death Beam! Laser Death Beam!

What are you doing?

Stop that! You can sh**t yourself with that Laser Death Beam all day, and you still can't die!

Dammit! Please let me die!

See? I was right all along.

You wouldn't have reacted that way if you weren't in love with her.

What is it about Tsubame that you like?

Well, when I was on the Cheerleading Squad, she looked out for me.

At first, I thought she was going out of her way just to lighten things up on the squad.

FŪRINKAZAN

But that's just who she is, I guess.

Once I realized that she was just kindhearted by nature...

You know...

Oh my.

So you are a sweet boy, Ishigami.

But... she's way beyond my reach.

A guy like me with no redeeming traits could never be taken seriously.

It's fine. Since I know it's hopeless anyway.

Ishigami's lack of spirit.

Caused by the fact that he has had so little success in his life.

His life was a series of failures.

"I'm only going to fail again."

A thought that was constantly hanging in a corner of his mind.

Ishigami...

I don't care how you go about it.

Make Tsubame Koyasu yours.

Oh no! There's no way I can accomplish that!

Right now, Ishigami, you're a coward so scared of getting hurt that you refuse to even try.

I can relate to that.

But you must confess your feelings.

Or else you're in for an endless slog.

Kaguya has just uttered her most sincere words of the year.

Be brave.

Brave...

Well, I actually do have an idea for the most surefire way to confess.

The most surefire way to confess?

Perhaps I'll have you enlighten me!

First off, I know that to succeed, I can't just confess the usual way.

However...

what if I go with an Ultra Romantic confession?

U-U-U-Ultra Romantic?

Ultra Romantic!

I would leave a flower on Tsubame's desk every day.

Agapanthus on Monday.

Strawberry on Tuesday.

Peony on Wednesday.

Easter Lily on Thursday.

Lupine on Friday.

AGAPANTHUS STRAWBERRY PEONY EASTER LILY LUPINE

And when you put all those initials together...

- "I love you"? - Is what it spells out!

What do you think of that?

It's creepy.

A stranger leaving a single flower on your desk every single day!

That would be beyond creepy.

Also, why did you add the riddle element? What if she fails to catch on?

You really do come up with the creepiest ideas, Ishigami.

No, that's because the normal way wouldn't work for me!

That was me going for the "safe by a nose" play!

You're so out.

Th-Then, what if I dialed it down a little?

I heard about this once.

If you show a female an album of yourself...

for some reason, she'll open up to you.

I agree. That's quite plausible.

So, maybe I'll give Tsubame an album of myself!

And now you've entered the realm of horror.

Oh...

I'll leave her a message on the last page, and...

I WANT TO FILL MY NEXT ALBUM WITH PHOTOS OF THE TWO OF US...

Creepy.

How's that?

Didn't you hear me say it was creepy?

That was me going for the "safe by a nose" play—

More like a beanball to the head!

At any rate, I understand now.

Your flaw, Ishigami, is your innate creepiness.

When an odd person does something odd, it defies common sense.

Can you be more brutal?

Listen. You must simply strive to become the kind of good man that would turn all heads.

That's too vague.

Kindly define what you mean by "good man."

There's no doubt that you're not the kind of man who'd say that.

There are numerous examples...

But first of all, someone who gets excellent grades.

Grades, huh?

Not only that, but someone with a kind heart.

Someone like President, you mean?

Well, I suppose you could say that!

Not that I brought that up with President in mind, of course!

All I'm talking about is conventional wisdom, all right?

You don't have to tell me that.

Women are drawn to power.

Arm strength.

Financial clout.

The power of communication.

NUMBER STUDENT IN HIS GRADE

Needless to say, that includes intellectual clout.

The moment you're sure he'd protect you and your young for life,

that's when you wish to be together.

N-Not that it's what I'm sensing myself, all right?

All I'm talking about is conventional wisdom, all right?

You don't have to tell me that.

At any rate, you need to start with intellectual clout!

NUMBER : MIKO IINO

SECOND SEMESTER FINAL EXAMS LIST OF THE TOP ACHIEVERS

For the upcoming finals,

make sure you're ranked in the Top .

Top ?

NUMBER

Do that, and everyone will soon see you in a different light.

Of course, that means Tsubame Koyasu, as well.

And...

you yourself, too.

So, Ishigami's boot camp began.

SCHEDULE FOR DAY SHORT HOMEROOM st PERIOD: MATH II nd PERIOD: CLASSICS B rd PERIOD: WORLD HISTORY B

To be continued next time in the second semester of lies and truth episode!

KAGUYA SHINOMIYA'S IMPOSSIBLE DEMAND: "A COWRIE A SWALLOW GAVE BIRTH TO" PART

SECOND SEMESTER FINAL EXAMS

Second semester final exams!

Starting today, the student council will also go on hiatus for exams.

Not that I have a problem with studying here in the student council room.

YU ISHIGAMI WANTS TO PROVE HIMSELF WORTHY

We do have more people now after all.

President, you're always so considerate of us, aren't you now?

Well, I guess I am.

That is a lie.

TREMBLE TREMBLE

This guy is thinking of no one but himself!

NUMBER

Die! Die!

In his quest to claim the Number spot yet again,

Shirogane has not a shred of concern for anyone else!

In fact, he's itching to mow down the competition!

However, lately, whenever Shirogane tries to study in the student council room,

his gaze tends to turn toward Kaguya.

Exactly what's happening right this minute.

Every move that Shinomiya makes is gorgeous.

In order to focus, he has no other choice but to study at home!

Well, what President says is certainly true.

Is something wrong, President?

Huh? Nothing!

W-Well, we are second-years now after all.

That's right.

For us, these are crucial exams that'll indicate the paths we should take after high school.

And it will be easier to focus if we study quietly at home.

That is a lie. This girl...

RUMBLE RUMBLE

cannot focus for a second at home!

The smartphone she recently acquired...

is always nearby even when she's studying.

Meaning that, of course...

it distracts her.

Whenever a message arrives, her brain switches from study mode to reply mode!

I got a text!

Now how should I respond?

I don't really think we need to go on hiatus for exams.

But if that's what you all want, I'll have to comply.

That is a lie!

This girl is thinking...

Score!

...from the bottom of her heart.

NUMBER

Like Shirogane, she, too, is dealing with the pressure of being Number in her grade.

No! No! Stay away!

For Iino, the title of "Top Student in Her Grade" is the basis of her self-affirmation!

Therefore, under no circumstances can she relinquish that status.

MINUTE

To gain even one extra minute of studying time would be a windfall for Iino!

WINDFALL

Ecstasy!

Oh. this time, I'm going to have to hit the books.

If my grades drop any further, my dad says he won't give me any more allowance!

If that happens, my life will be over!

LIE

That is a lie.

This girl...

ALLOWANCE

secretly receives allowance from her grandfather, as well!

Now don't tell your mom, no matter what!

Of course I won't!

And so, as various motives swirl just before the exams...

Come to think of it, where's Ishigami today?

I don't know.

Studying at home, I suppose.

Yeah, as if!

I bet he's playing videogames.

And then, the day of the exams arrives.

SCHEDULE FOR DAY SHORT HOMEROOM st PERIOD: MATH II nd PERIOD: CLASSICS B rd PERIOD: WORLD HISTORY B

SECOND SEMESTER FINAL EXAMS FIRST-YEARS MATH II

As a member of the student council, just make sure you don't get an F, okay?

No need to worry.

Since I studied hard for this.

You're so full of it.

He's serious.

This boy is dead serious about cracking the upper ranks.

Until now, Ishigami has always taken his Fs in stride.

th OUT OF (FIRST-YEAR)

ISHIGAMI DURING THE FIRST SEMESTER

He surely would've slacked off as much as possible, exams or no exams.

SHUT UP YOU DUMBASS!!!

ISHIGAMI DURING THE SECOND SEMESTER

MIDDLE JUMP

A little break, a little break...

What was it that made him start playing to win?

Having Kaguya Shinomiya cr*ck the whip so heartlessly?

COMMIT TO YOUR EXAMS!! MATH II

CRUNCH CRUNCH

My save data!

Or was it perhaps his romantic feelings for Tsubame Koyasu?

No.

I know you can do it, Ishigami.

It was her eyes that propelled him!

SHORT HOMEROOM st PERIOD: MATH II nd PERIOD: CLASSICS B rd PERIOD: WORLD HISTORY B

Begin!

There's someone who actually has high hopes for me.

In that case...

I want to...

live up to those hopes, no matter what!

NUMBER : MIKO IINO

SECOND SEMESTER FINAL EXAMS LIST OF THE TOP STUDENTS

I don't see your name on that list.

Most likely, you came in at Number or so.

Considering that you've sh*t up about spots from your midterm ranking, it's a fine achievement.

Yes.

Are you bitter?

No.

Because that's as far as my abilities go.

I expected no less.

Really?

Hey, I need to hit the restroom.

That is a lie.

This boy is so bitter that blood may as well spurt from his eyes.

I gave it my all!

I tried my best to cr*ck the Top !

And Shinomiya went the extra mile for me!

So what the hell is wrong with me?

Were you serious about that?

Shinomiya!

This is the men's room!

It doesn't matter.

Let me ask you again.

You really aren't bitter about this result?

How could I not be bitter?

Underachiever or not, I thought I could be that cool guy who scores high if he puts his mind to it!

But as it turned out, I'm not that guy!

I can see what I need to work on, so now I just have to apply myself.

Next time, I'm going to make it into the Top .

There, you said it.

You can't take it back.

All right, no more kid gloves from now on.

Huh?

That was with kid gloves?

But Shinomiya...

if you spend any more time with me and my studies, won't it affect your own grades?

It's really not enough to change anything.

Impressive. No wonder you came in second after President this time, too.

No wonder you came in second...

That's because I was busy helping you study!

Huh?

If only I hadn't spent all that time on you, I could've come in first!

That is a lie.

So, the exam period fraught with lies and bitterness ends,

and all the hard work for the next round begins.

Today's battle result...

Shirogane and Iino win.

- I did it! Yay! - All right!

(FIRST-YEARS) MIKO IINO # ---> # YU ISHIGAMI # ---> #

SECOND SEMESTER ACADEMIC RANKINGS

GO KAZAMATSURI # ---> # NAGISA KASHIWAGI # ---> # CHIKA FUJIWARA # ---> # AI HAYASAKA # ---> # KASHIWAGI'S BOYFRIEND # ---> #

(SECOND-YEARS) MIYUKI SHIROGANE # ---> # KAGUYA SHINOMIYA # ---> # MAKI SHIJO # ---> # SABURO TOYOSAKI # ---> #

A dinner party at the Fujiwara residence?

CHIKA FUJIWARA WANTS TO STAY OVER

Yes. My dad said I should invite you, Kei and President,

since he's always looking out for me—

I'll go! I wouldn't mind if we made it a sleepover!

If his sister's there, then as a matter of course, President would stay over, as well.

We can play games together and chat.

And when he starts to nod off...

Now that exams are over, it should be okay to relax.

Today... How about today?

Ah...

Yes, yes! Why don't we do that?

My dad's on a business trip today.

That does make things difficult.

I guess there's no way out of it!

Then, let's have a sleepover at your house, Kaguya!

What?

Yay!

It's been ages since I was last here!

SHIROGANE AND THE OTHERS COULDN'T MAKE IT

How did we end up like this?

Oh! Mr. Herthaka!

Long time no see, Miss Chika.

Herthaka versus Designation F!

At school, though Hayasaka hides the fact that she's a servant in the Shinomiya household,

she's quite close to Fujiwara.

Because of this, whenever Fujiwara is invited to the Shinomiya house,

Hayasaka must greet her in full male attire!

You're about the same age as us, aren't you, Mr. Herthaka?

What do you do about school and all?

Not a problem.

SNAP

As I skipped some grades and graduated from Harvard.

Amazing!

Just a second! How can you be so cavalier with the truth?

I'm not being cavalier at all.

My male persona is a genius who skipped grades,

and a crybaby who works as a butler just for fun.

Not to mention a w*r orphan—

Enough with the complicated backstories!

When you tell a major lie, you need to refrain from any other lies! That's the theory!

Super Butler!

If you say so, Lady Kaguya...

Um, um...

You two are always together, right?

Doesn't your heart ever flutter?

Of course there are times when it does.

There are times when it flutters?

Yes. It happens quite frequently.

Hang on! What are you saying?

My heart is always fluttering and pounding at your every word and action.

Well, I do accept the blame for that, but...

The butler and the young lady... A forbidden relationship!

Miss Chika...

As I can only have romantic feelings for other men...

I do not have that kind of relationship with Lady Kaguya.

Whaaaaat?

That's your type?

Don't make it even more complicated!

Kaguya!

Miss Fujiwara!

Isn't this fun?

Yes, it is.

Hey, that's adorable!

You're welcome to try it on!

There!

Hey!

And you see, these days, there's something fishy about the guys.

I see.

I think they must be in love.

Well, that's...

rather wild.

I wanted to get to the bottom of it during the Ten-Yen Coin Game,

but it ended up getting buried in mystery.

I'm thinking that Ishigami's crush is that third-year, Tsubame.

But I just can't figure out who President's fallen for!

Yes, sure.

This is...

not drinking!

Kaguya tends to require many hours of sleep,

and normally, she retires at PM.

But tonight, she's being forced to listen to Fujiwara's machine-g*n chatter,

and it is now after midnight!

She can barely think straight!

Hey, why don't we give President a call?

Yes, why don't we do that?

There is no one to slam the brakes on this strange, late-night energy!

We might as well do it over video!

Yay!

What's going on? It's late, Fujiwara.

Good evening!

And Shinomiya?

Good evening, President!

I'm sleeping over at Kaguya's place right now!

Yes, she is.

Why are you acting like that?

Quiet down, will you?

Huh?

Kaguya and Chika?

Hey, is that you, Kei?

Come on!

Don't let them see this messy room!

So, what can I do for you?

There's something I want to ask you, President.

You're in love with someone right now, aren't you?

Huh?

KING

What are you talking about? Of course I'm not!

That's a lie!

Lately, the student council room has been reeking of the scent of lovesickness!

You can't fool my sense of smell.

It must be Ishigami or Iino—

I think there's someone else, too.

- Right now, my brother is in love! - Hey! What are you talking about, Kei?

These days, my brother can't keep his eyes off his smartphone,

and he's always sending texts with a smirk on his face!

There's no way that he's not in love!

I knew it!

You'd better cut it out! I mean it!

It's so distracting when you act all fidgety! I can't concentrate on my studies!

Just clear it up now!

Hey you! Give me back my phone!

President! Just give it up already!

I told you, there's no one like that!

I know all about it!

It's the person you just started texting on Line recently!

Huh? Who? Who?

That would be...

someone named Herthaka!

My brother is in love with someone named Herthaka!

I-I-I think I'm going to use the restroom.

President...

Is that true?

No! It's just to catch up on things!

Like, what books we've read or how we did on our exams!

But you never send me any texts like that.

Well, that's because—

I am extremely furious right now.

But if you tell me who you're in love with, I'll forgive you.

Wh-Wh-What? No, that would be—

Then, if I say it, will you tell me?

What?

The person I'm in love with is...

Hello?

Hello!

Who? Who is it? Who? Hello?

Hello? Who?

Hello?

Herthaka?

As Lady Kaguya has fallen asleep, I'm going to hang up now.

I'll text you again later, Miyuki.

Huh?

That's Herthaka?

She's so gorgeous!

- You're trying for someone out of your league? - You have the wrong idea!

She's just a female friend of mine!

Whaaaaat?

So...

the sleepover comes to an end but not without causing a huge misunderstanding.

What? President and Mr. Herthaka?

What? Whaaaaat?

Today's battle result...

Kaguya wins.

President...

MISS HERTHAKA Lives in Yamate, Naka Ward, Yokohama City. A fairly well-bred girl.

AI HAYASAKA SCHOOL CAMOUFLAGE POPULAR GIRL MODE A spirited girl with a penchant for fashion and for breaking the rules at school.

MR. HERTHAKA Descended from Irish immigrants who fled their homeland during the Great Potato Famine.

AI HAYASAKA IN SHINOMIYA FAMILY MODE A coolheaded maid who can pull off anything.
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