03x08 - I'm Disappointed in You

[bunniefuu]

Kyo, wait!

Um...

It's just...

There's something I'd
like to tell you if I can.

- -Kyo, I--
- -Me first.

There's something that I've been

wanting to ask
you for a while now.

If I've got the wrong idea,
you can laugh at me.

Call me an idiot if you want.

Tohru.

I need to know.

Do you love me?

I mean,

you know, right?

Are you stupid?

sh*t, I can't believe
my hunch was right.

Of all people, why me?

Your mom--

she was the person you
loved most in the world.

What was that? A lie?

Or did it just disappear?

I can't do this.

It was foolish.

Wishing to stay with her.

f I'd known this is
how it would turn out,

I would never
have wished for that.

How'd things get so screwed up?

It's not fair.

Kyo, wait!

I don't wanna say it.
I don't want her to know.

I don't wanna admit it.

But... this just isn't fair.

Please listen to me!
I just want--

You don't know anything!

Not what I did,

or what I failed to do!

You love me...
and I pity you for it.

So much.

So ridiculously much.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

She could've lived,
but she didn't, 'cause of me.

Your mom would've
lived if I'd helped.

I never told you, but,
your mom... I knew her.

And that day...

The day of the accident,

I was standing right there
and I recognized her.

Her hair color. Her face.

They were just like
they were when we met.

I was a kid.

Master had only
just taken me in.

Back then I was still
too self-conscious

to go straight home
to the dojo after school,

so I'd just wander around.

What's your deal, kid?

You're way too young

to go around dying your
hair different colors.

Wait, hold on, is that natural?

Jeez! What's your deal?

Just leave me alone! Ya say
anything else and I'll k*ll ya!

Oh, wow. You're a total
brat, aren't you?

That's so darn cute!

Hey! Who do ya think
you're callin' cute? Old hag!

Listen to the mouth on you.

Insulting a random stranger.
Stinkin' adorable.

You're gonna get kidnapped
if you don't stop being so cute.

Better go home.
Your mom'll be worried.

I don't have one,
okay? She d*ed!

And your dad?

I don't need him
either. The jerk!

I wish he'd die.
He wants me dead, too!

Wow. Sounds lonely.

Hey, weird lady. Your hair real?

Well, weird lady's a bit rude.

Why don't you call me Kyoko?
The name's Kyoko Honda.

What? Her name's like mine.

So what do they call you?

Not telling.

All right.

I guess I'll just have
to call you Squirt, then.

We kept talking.
She told me she worked nearby.

Come by again sometime, Squirt.

We met a bunch after that.

Kyoko Honda told me
about lots of stuff.

About herself,
about Katsuya Honda,

and about Tohru.

I wondered what the
daughter of someone like her

would be like.

Today I'm gonna show
you something special.

This girl is my treasure.

Tohru!

I wondered what her
laugh would sound like.

Oh, Squirt.

Tohru... she must be lost.

She hasn't come home.

I looked for her,
but I can't find her.

I can't find her anywhere!

She's gone!

Get it together!

Because I'm gonna
find her for you! I swear!

You wait at home. I'll help her.
I'll protect her for sure!

And that's a man's promise!

A man's promise.

Why?

Why couldn't I keep it?

Squirt!
Thank goodness I found you!

You were still
searching for her, huh?

Tohru is safe and sound!
Someone helped her get home.

I'm sorry.
You looked for so long.

That hat...
Where'd it come from?

Oh, this thing?

Tohru says the kid who
helped her was wearing it.

You recognize it?

I did.

I'd picked it out for myself.

Master bought it for me, and
it ended up with him instead.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was mine,
but it's not anymore.

Not if he's touched it.

That guy... He sucks.

He has everything.
People who care about him.

So why does he have to go
and take stuff from me?

This boy helped Tohru
come home safe.

I don't care! He still sucks!

He's not a good person!

I was gonna do it.

Protect her for you.

What a jerk. He was
already born luckier than me.

Why can't he at
least let me have this?

The bad guy--
that's what you wanna see.

'Cause if he's not
as awful as you think,

who do you have left to hate?

Are you kidding?!
You're on his side, too?!

You're saying it's all my fault?

No, I'm not.
It's pointless, you know?

Labeling good and
bad. Taking sides.

Don't live your life
worrying about that stuff.

You understand me?

Really. It would be a waste
of a good, kind boy like you.

That's just stupid!
And you, you're a traitor!

I've had it! I'm done
with you and her, too!

Hey, Squirt!
I'm holding you to it.

Your promise.

I never went back.

I was lonely because
I felt betrayed,

ashamed because I couldn't help,

and stung because it felt
like he'd stolen something.

Basically, I was sulking,
so I avoided seeing her again.

But then,

one day, there she was.

I was trying to decide whether
to say something when I saw it:

A car... coming toward us,
out of control.

I thought, "Oh, sh*t,
I have to help her."

If I grabbed her arm and
pulled her back against me...

But then I remembered
I'm not human.

If I caught her
in my arms, I'd transform

and people would
find out what I am.

So instead, I let her die.

If I had just pulled her back,

then she wouldn't
have gone flying.

She wouldn't have
felt all that pain.

I know she'd still be alive.

But I didn't.

I weighed her
life against mine...

...and I chose me.

I protected my secret
at the cost of someone's life.

Even though...
I hate myself so much.

So intensely, so completely.
I wish I'd just go away.

Disappear for good.

And yet, in the end,
I always protect myself.

Instead of taking
responsibility, I run away.

Every damn time.

Like now.

I'm too scared
to even look at your face.

My mom.

She was sent flying, too.

That's how she d*ed.

Only it wasn't an accident.

She said she felt guilty
for giving birth to me.

That she pitied me too
much to be around me.

She was sobbing uncontrollably.

And the next day... she d*ed.

An
accident?

I thought
there was a su1c1de note.

People heard her fighting with

her husband the
night before, too.

It's your fault!

Kyo, you drove your mom
to do what she did.

She's dead because of you!

Just shut up!

No! This isn't my fault!

You don't understand!

No! No! No!

Who do you
think you're convincing?

Just admit it.
You know the truth,

and that's why
you've been running.

Admit it, fool.

It's my fault.

Everything's my fault.

Their lives... I stole them.

It's true.

They both d*ed because of me.

Honestly, I almost cried...

...hearing her say that.

Sounds lonely.

Because even
if I didn't understand

exactly what she meant,

I felt forgiven.

Forgiven for existing
by a total stranger.

That probably isn't
what she intended, but still...

Today I met someone weird.

Huh? Weird?

Oh, um, I mean, not in
a bad way or anything,

but different, you know?

It's not like we're
friends. We just talked.

She said to come back sometime.

Well, in that case,
you'd better go back sometime.

I thought Master was
the only person in the world

who would actually
want me around.

My mom was always
consumed by her fear.

My dad had nothing
but hatred for me.

The Somas looked
at me with contempt.

I was so used to being rejected,
she was like a ray of light...

...of hope.

And then there was Tohru.

I wanted to meet her, too.

Even so, I only actually
went to see her that one time.

I watched her sitting
alone in that room,

and I didn't like how
lonely she looked.

I wanted both of
them to be happy.

I wanted their days
to be good ones.

I wanted to erase that
loneliness.

Childish thoughts,
but they got trapped in my mind,

and I found myself thinking,

"Are they lonely today?
Are they smiling today?"

It was like something
bloomed in my chest

and the worry wouldn't go away.

So that day,
for the first time,

I made the conscious
decision to visit...

...not that it ended well.

And when I saw her again,

that ending was much worse.

She said she
wouldn't forgive me.

She was lying there
in a pool of blood.

She noticed me
standing nearby and said,

"I won't forgive you."

At least that's
what it sounded like.

And then... I just
stood there, frozen.

My mind went blank.

I couldn't think.
Couldn't understand.

Get help! An ambulance! Quickly!

Then something
snapped... and I ran.

Kyo, what happened?

After that, Master took me
away to live in the mountains.

I'd fallen into the dark...

...and I stayed there, trapped.

Master tried to
get me to keep living,

but I was so lost.

I couldn't forgive
myself for what I'd done.

It felt like I deserved to die

and the only way to keep
going was to tell myself,

"It's not my fault."

Yuki's fault. That's what it is.

He's the reason things
turned out like this.

That Rat stole all my hope.

I made it Yuki's fault 'cause...

...it couldn't be mine.

I created a "bad guy" in my mind

and made him take
responsibility for everything.

It wasn't logical.
It didn't need to be.

I just needed him
to be the bad guy.

As long as I could make
anything inconvenient his fault,

I could pretend to
forget what had happened.

As long as I could
just keep hating him.

I focused on that--my hate--

and used it to erase my memory

of the day your mom d*ed...

...because of me.

I still can't believe

I managed to keep it
buried all this time.

The other day,
I saw that hat in your room,

and it came flooding back.

The memory I'd
conveniently repressed.

The guilt I'd shifted
on to somebody else.

Figures. My whole life,
saving my own skin's

been the one thing
I was ever any good at.

Awful, right?

Anyway, when I "got better,"

I decided to leave the mountains
and use hatred to keep me alive.

Master just gave me a sad smile.

My dad had told Akito
I dropped off the map,

so I was summoned to the main
estate when I showed back up.

Akito scolded me.

We argued,
and then we made a bet.

Before you graduate
from high school,

prove you can defeat Yuki.

Win, and I'll stop
calling you a monster.

I'll even welcome you
as a true zodiac member.

Maybe I was secretly
happy to hear that.

Not because I wanted to be
welcomed into the zodiac,

but because it fueled my hate.

So I went straight to find Yuki.

Of course, I never imagined
I'd run into you, too.

Now, Kyo, this young
lady is Tohru Honda.

No.

What is she doing here?

Knowing that,
can you forgive me?

The guy who ran away?

Who always runs away?

Who never said anything?

Who pretended he didn't realize?

I was so angry and scared.

I didn't mean to
get so close to her.

I didn't mean to fall in love...

And yet...

How?

I can't forgive me.

I won't forgive you.

Your mom was right to say that.

And I don't want you
to forgive me, either.

Not now.

I won't.

Is that what you wanna hear?

What I have to say?

Either I forgive
you or I don't--

is that what it comes down to?

Are those choices the
only ones I have left?

I can't believe she'd
really tell you that.

It doesn't sound
like her... not at all.

I can't believe it, but...

...if you're right,
if you didn't mishear

and that's truly what
she said to you, then...

Then...

I know my choice.

The only one I can make
is to go against Mom!

Kyo, please, isn't there any way
I can get you to see the truth?

To accept the fact
that I love you,

and nothing you say
will change that?!

I'm... disappointed in you.

You won't disappoint me.

Kyo, wait!

Kyo! Come back!

Miss Honda.

Miss Honda, you should go in.

Dry off or you'll
catch cold, okay?

I'll be back.

That idiot!

Pathetic.

I was completely selfish.

I confessed my own sins,

said everything
I wanted to say...

...and trampled
all over your feelings.

Then I ran

even though I know that
sometimes in this world

you don't get the
chance to see someone again,

to say you're sorry.

I know that.

But if I'm just
going to repeat history,

then how's that any different
than knowing nothing at all?

"Tell me... What's your name?"