01x01 - Willy's Story

[bunniefuu]

'Hiya.

' I'm telling him tonight.

'I'm not leaving him tonight, I'm telling him I'm leaving him.

' Right.

You'll tell Carmel you're leaving her? 'Yeah.

' You'll tell her tonight? Yeah.

'What time?' I don't know.

I thought we could tell them at the same time.

I tell Geoff and you tell Carmel at exactly the same time.

I could do it that way.

If I know you're doing it too.

Right.

'What time?' You choose.

Half six.

When the woman says, "And now it's time to join the BBC news teams where you are.

" We tell them then.

'Right.

' Bye.

Bye.

He's the best! He's a Scouser! Everything you look for in a footballer, he's got.

You think any Scousers are talking like this about our lads? 'You'll tell Carmel you're leaving her?' 'We could tell them at the same time.

' 'Now, there's a bit of uncertainty about this forecast, so if you are planning something' 'You'll tell her tonight?' '.

.

the best of the brighter weather ' "And now it's time to join the BBC news teams where you are.

" ' Put the ball away! Put the ball away! What is it? We're getting married, Dad.

'It's time to join the BBC's news teams where you are.

Goodbye.

' If that's OK with you.

Yeah.

When? Next month.

Church and all that? Yeah.

I couldn't do it.

'Why not?' I'll tell you when we meet.

When we meet? Did you do it? 'Yes.

' You told him? Yes.

'I'm sorry.

' You bastard.

So here we go.

Not too big, not too small.

Eight round tables, ten per table.

And then a long one at the back for bride and groom, parents, bridesmaids, best man.

We can bring some more in in the evening.

Lovely.

Laura? Upstairs at the Crown would do me, Dad.

Never mind the Crown.

What about here? It's perfect.

How do I pay? A third now, and then the rest on the day.

Cheque OK? Yeah.

What does he do, your dad? Barrett's in town.

Shop or warehouse? Both.

He owns it, Dad.

Owns it?! Yeah.

Not exactly on the bones of his arse, then? No.

Will you wait for us, please? We'll be two minutes.

You're not staying with us? No, we're going into town.

This is my dad Gordon, and Maeve.

Dad and Maeve, this is Willy and Carmel.

Nice to meet you.

Enjoy.

See ya.

Have a good time.

Drink, Carmel? No, I'll wait for the wine.

Willy? Scotch.

I'm paying for the meal.

You're not.

No, I am definitely paying.

So I'll have a scotch.

Large one.

OK.

I think you're missing the point.

When you ask why they're there, why our young men are there And women.

And women, women too.

They're there to die.

They're not there to win.

They're not there to gain ground or to defeat the Taliban.

The Yanks will take care of that, thanks very much.

We're there to die.

So that the Yanks can say to their people, "Look, we're not alone.

It's not just us, it's the Brits as well.

" Just imagine, right, that by some wonderful feat of soldiering we managed to get through it all without losing a man.

D'you think the Yanks'd say "well done"? No way.

They'd say, "What the hell are you playing at? "You've got to die, you bastards.

You've got to die!" So, have you ever been to Thailand, Carmel? No.

I've always wanted to.

It's lovely.

Yes, everyone says so.

Mo sent me.

Mo? He's the owner.

He doesn't like people smoking near the doorway.

Says it lingers.

Right.

I'm just finishing now anyway.

Just finishing.

Right.

Beam me up, Scotty.

I agree with the ban.

I'm not knocking the ban.

We're a persecuted minority, we really are.

I agree with the ban, by the way.

But we have to smoke outside

- there's no facilities.

I'm getting it.

You won't.

I'm getting it.

I've had whiskies and brandies, so I'm getting it.

I can afford a few brandies.

I know, but I'm getting it.

Often you won't find an ashtray, or one of them things, with sand.

Not quite an ashtray but anyway, you won't find one.

Put 10% on, by the way.

Thank you, sir.

What are you going to do with the ciggy stumps? What are we supposed to do? Can't just throw 'em! If you do, you're dropping litter and you can be fined.

People fined for dropping litter when all they've dropped is a ciggy stump.

Is there a problem? I'm afraid your card's been declined.

Shall I have another go? Yeah, course.

So the only one logical thing to do It's fine, by the way

- there's plenty of money.

The only logical thing to do is drop your ciggy stump in a litter bin.

But what's going to happen then? You drop your ciggy stump in a litter bin, and you're starting a fire.

So what's worse

- dropping a bit of litter, or what constitutes litter, or starting a fire in the middle of town? Sir, I'm afraid your card's been declined again.

There's a problem.

There's a fault.

There's money in there Use this.

I put a big cheque in.

No, please.

It doesn't matter.

It does, cos I've been ordering things left, right and centre and I only did that cos I thought It's fine.

No worries.

I wouldn't have ordered them if you were paying.

If you pay, it makes me look like a right prick, doesn't it?! Willy, it's fine! Why do you do that? Hello.

My card's just been rejected and it shouldn't have been.

Why d'you let your mouth run away like that? Debit card.

Answer me.

William J Houlihan.

No, don't do that.

Don't put me on hold again.

They'll think that I'm a con man, that I knew the card was going to be rejected.

They'll think no such thing! They will.

She certainly will, the gold digger For God's sake, why are you like this?! Say that again.

Indian.

It can't be overdrawn, mate.

I put a cheque in five days ago for 22 grand, so it can't possibly Say that again.

Tony's cheque bounced.

No, nothing.

Thank you.

Thanks.

He wouldn't do that to us.

He wouldn't.

'Hiya, this is Tony.

Leave a message.

' Answer machine.

Tony, it's Willy.

Sorry to ring so late.

Give us a bell as soon as poss.

How much is that? 12 quid, love.

There you go.

Thanks.

Hiya, Jean.

It's Willy.

'You all right?' Fine, love.

I need to speak to Tony, it's urgent.

OK.

Did he say where? OK.

If you hear from him, tell him to call me back.

Tell him it's urgent.

Thanks.

Anyone been on? What? Has anyone been on? No.

Has Laura phoned? What? Look, I'm sick of repeating every question I ask you.

Has Laura been on? No.

You're in the way! Every light in this house is burning.

Switch 'em off! Right! Now! It's Willy.

Trying to get in touch with Tony.

Phone me back when you get this.

Are you having one? I'll have tea.

Get your mam a cup of tea.

What? Get your mam a cup of tea, now! Tony wouldn't let you down.

There'll be a logical explanation.

Mark, it's Willy.

Is everything all right with Tony? Pick up, Tony.

You may as well pick up, cos I'm coming round anyway.

'Pick it up, you prick.

Pick it up.

' Pick it up! What's going on? I'm finished.

What d'you mean, you're finished? I'm wound up.

Bankrupt.

What about my money? Tax man's first.

Then the VAT.

Then the bank.

Then Mugs like me? I'm sorry, mate.

Eight bathrooms.

I did all I could.

I'm no fly by night.

You know that! You let me put eight bathrooms in for you! I did all I could! If there's anything left, I'll see it gets to you, Willy! Willy! You're top of the list.

I promise you that, mate.

Willy! No, no, no! I'm not letting you do this.

I'm not letting you do this, Willy! Don't make me phone the coppers.

Don't make me do a thing like that to a mate! Mate?! Open the door.

No! I want you to go home, Willy, and talk about it I don't want to wreck eight bathrooms and eight doors but I will unless you open it.

For God's sake, this is crazy, mate! I don't own them any more, Willy.

The bank owns them! I'm handing over the keys this afternoon cos the bank owns them now! So whatever you do, you do to the bank! This is crazy! I'm phoning the cops on you, Willy! Stop it, Willy! Come on, man! See sense for God's sake! Hello again.

Hi.

It's a bit awkward, this.

Yeah? Can I ask you not to pay that cheque in? We paid it in first thing.

Right.

Is that a problem? No.

Well, slight.

Slight problem.

Nothing that can't be sorted.

It's, er, fine.

It's fine, love.

So you're still going ahead with the Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

No problem.

Absolutely no problem.

Bye.

Thanks.

I was going to tell her.

And the boys.

And just as I was about to do it, Laura walked in with her fella and told us they were getting married.

That's exactly the way it was, I promise.

When it's over when the wedding's over and they've got off

- I'll tell her then.

I'll go home.

I'll pack a bag.

And I'll pick you up at yours.

About half seven.

Half seven, night of the wedding.

You told Geoff? How'd he take it? He was ecstatic.

D'you want me to sort him? Yeah.

At the house.

Many in the Lion? There was a few.

You stink of ale.

Sorry.

Look, no disrespect but I'm finding it difficult to understand what you're saying.

And I'm finding it difficult to understand why I'm talking to somebody in India when all I want is an appointment with a bank round the corner.

So please, please, give me the bloody number! Will it be a free bar? No way! It's costing a fortune as it is.

You're making people pay for their own drinks? Nobody has a free bar these days.

They abuse it, make pigs of themselves, throw up.

It's a four

-star hotel.

It'll be a fiver a pint! That's not my fault, is it? Yeah! You're asking people to go, right? You're asking people to go I wanted the Crown.

.

.

to pay over the odds for ale.

They don't have to come! Course they do.

They're your mates.

They'll bring their own in, in their bags.

Dad? What you doing? Willy, what you doing? What did you do that for? Why did you stuff yourself like that? I don't know.

Mr Houlihan? Hello.

Paul.

Hi.

Do you want to come through? I paid a big cheque in, for 22 grand, and it bounced.

You'll know that cos you'll have it all there.

Problem is, on the strength of that cheque, I wrote one of my own for eight 800? Eight grand.

It'll turn up here and I want you to honour it.

8,000? It's for my daughter's wedding.

Some of it.

There's another 12 grand to find once it's over.

There's this Western.

I think it's a Western, I'm not sure.

But this bloke walks into a bank and he asks for a loan and the banker says to him, "What's your collateral?" And the bloke says, "This is my collateral, and this, and this.

" And he gets the loan and he pays it back and I'll pay it back.

I know it's not Hollywood, but, er I'm wasting my breath here, aren't I? I'm afraid so.

You know, it's common decency to look at a man when he's talking to you.

I'm sorry? I've worked my bollocks off all my life, and I'm going to carry on working my bollocks off, and I'm going to put more money in that account than you've ever seen, and then I'm going to come here and I'll close it.

And when they ask me why I'm closing it, I'll say, "Ask that twat there.

" f*cking twat.

I'm Willy Houlihan.

You touch her again, I'll k*ll you.

Yes.

What? Yes, I am starting early.

Phone her.

Who? Laura! No.

She's a good kid! I know.

Turn it down! She'd be just as happy with upstairs at the Crown.

That's why she's getting the best

- cos she's a good kid who'd be just as happy with upstairs at the Crown.

Turn it down! THEY'D pay.

His parents.

No way.

They wouldn't miss it.

No way! Phone Laura.

Phone her! Hello.

It's your dad.

'Hiya.

' Hiya.

How's things? Fine.

You? 'Fine.

What you doing?' Just watching telly with Joe.

You? Same.

Well, not with Joe.

With your mam.

'How is she?' Get on with it! She's fine.

Do you love him? Joe? 'Yeah.

' Yeah.

'What's going on?' What is it, Dad? (Tell her!) It's the wedding.

What about it? What about it?! Can I invite your Uncle George? Of course.

He'll get drunk, pick a fight.

It's a wedding.

There's supposed to be a fight.

I'll invite him, then.

'Right.

' Night, love.

Good night.

Shite! Hello.

Just browsing, thanks.

Born around the corner, baptised here, first confession, first holy communion, made the wife promise to have your funeral here.

Yeah.

We get a lot like that.

I bet you do.

I want to knock it down.

Costs a fortune to run this place.

It's not yours to knock down though, is it? It's ours.

Poverty

-stricken people like my mam and dad paid for this.

Poverty

-stricken people with their gangs of kids and their ha'pennies and pennies.

So the least you can do is treat it with a bit of respect.

What are you doing here? I'm doing something I haven't done since I was a kid.

I'm making a deal with God.

He gets me out the hole I'm in, and I give him something back.

Such as? I don't know.

Give up the booze or summat.

It's a bit easy, that, though, isn't it? You've probably wanted to give up the booze for years, just needed a bit of motivation.

I don't think God will accept that.

Give her up.

Who? The other woman.

There's always another woman.

Go away.

I want to be alone, right? I think I've got the right to a bit of solitude in a church, a bit of peace and quiet, a bit of time to reflect, you know what I mean? So please, do one.

Why are you so aggressive? Go away! So aggressive, so tense, so f*cked up? Yes.

You married us.

Me and the missus.

25 years ago.

Right there.

I'm sorry, I It's OK.

Why should you remember? One couple in thousands.

Yes.

It's the daughter's turn next.

She's getting married, and I've got to make a speech.

I'm thinking of saying "How long before they're sick of each other? "This bride and groom, so much in love, how long "before she's got a fancy man and he's got a bit on the side? "It's a farce, marriage, a total bloody farce.

Hands up, all those who agree.

" I've seen a lot of good marriages.

A lot more bad ones, though, eh? The thing is, you marry a woman you fancy.

But 25 years later, she's old.

You don't fancy her any more.

You wouldn't harm a hair on her head, but you don't fancy her any more.

You fancy younger women, younger women with firmer flesh.

And you're getting old yourself.

Not far off 50.

Last ten years whizzed by.

Next ten years will go even quicker.

Death beckons.

So for God's sake, live a bit, go out and grab a woman, a younger woman, with firmer flesh.

How deep is it? What? The hole you're in.

It's bottomless.

Then give her up.

I left it there.

I think it's the clutch again.

Well, I can't afford to, mate.

Just weave some of your magic.

Right? I'll drop the keys off.

Thanks, Frank.

Having problems with your clutch? What? Problems with your clutch? Yeah.

Get rid of it, mate.

I'm talking from bitter experience.

Get rid of it, pal.

Just here'll do, mate.

Sure? Yeah.

£6.

50, pal.

Cheers, mate.

Keep the change.

Cheers, thank you.

Cheers, pal.

There's no difference.

There's a massive difference.

A pub and a betting shop, they're both full of sad bastards.

Language! Why's it OK to work in one and not the other? I just can't understand How much? 20,000.

Where d'you get it? Found it, in a taxi, on the floor of a taxi.

Oh, Willy.

What? What kind of people leave money like that in a taxi? I don't know.

Of course you know.

It's drug money! Sh! Take it to the police.

If it's druggies, they're not going to thank me for taking it to the police, are they? What kind of taxi? Minicab.

Omega.

How d'you know? I checked as soon as I found the money.

Take it back to Omega now! It gets us out of a hole, love.

For God's sake, Willy, don't even think about it.

You? No, I'm giving it a rest for a bit.

Where did you get dropped off? In the taxi? Yeah.

End of the street.

So he knows what street you live in? He won't remember that.

He will! He drops off people on loads of streets.

Losing £20,000 tends to concentrate the mind, Willy! Take it with you.

When you leave this house in the morning, you take that money with you.

All right, Willy? All right? Thought you'd packed it in, mate.

I have, yeah.

I want one bet.

Red or black.

Yeah? 20 grand.

Hiya.

Is your husband in, love? No.

Where is he? Work.

Late forties, early fifties, yeah? Yeah.

He didn't happen to get out of a taxi at the top of the street, did he, love? Some time yesterday? He can't afford taxis.

Will he be in tonight? Yeah.

See you later, then.

20K.

One chip? Yeah.

Place your bets.

20K plays red.

Yeah? A man came round, asking questions.

It's something to do with the money.

I said a man came round.

Something to do with the money.

Answer me! Nine.

Red.

It's all right, love.

Everything's OK.

Where are you? I put it on red and it came up red.

Can you put 20,000 in twenties in that? And give us a plastic bag, please.

Anyone mobile near the High Street? Anyone mobile near the High Street? Anyone near the bridge? Hiya.

Yeah? Can I help you? Found that in one of your cabs.

20 grand? Yeah.

Why didn't you hand it to the driver? Don't know.

Why didn't you hand it in yesterday? Last night, even? I'm handing it in now.

That's what matters, isn't it? No.

The driver's in hospital.

The guy who lost this, he battered him.

I'm sorry.

You prick.

£6.

50, pal.

Where's the f*cking money? Where does he f*cking live? All rise.

OK, next to the bridesmaids.

That's lovely.

We'd like to keep the groom's family where they are, please I should be in that one.

The stench of hypocrisy is overwhelming.

I'm the groom's mother, by the way.

Discarded first wife.

Good enough for him while he was struggling, but unsatisfactory once he became a success.

Excuse me, love.

Yeah.

'Hiya'.

Are you packed? Yeah.

What time will you get here? 'About seven, seven

-thirty'.

Can't wait.

'All right, bye'.

Bye.

Did you get out of that hole you were in? Yeah.

Then why have you still got her? Keep your nose out of my business.

Hang on, hang on.

Best man's speech.

Is it a pound per person? No, it's not a pound per person, it's a pound per guess, so two guesses is £2.

Oh, and it's from when he stands to when he sits down again.

Yeah? It's all forged, Willy.

What? Every single note.

I didn't know.

I promise.

I know.

Are you going to phone the coppers? I've got to.

Right.

Thanks.

Bye.

'I'm making a deal with God'.

'I put it on red, it came up red.

It gets us out of a hole'.

You take that money with you.

The serial numbers are the same.

They're forged.

So, you met Maeve

- my husband's younger model? Yeah.

Did she go all feminist? Once.

She tried it with me once.

I said, "Look love, you stole an older woman's husband, darling.

"Where's the sisterhood in that?" Ladies and gentlemen, the father of the bride.

APPLAUSE Marriage.

You see two people in love like that, and you're jealous.

One of them's your own daughter but you're still jealous.

"Why can't I feel what them two are feeling? "Why can't I have some of that?" Thanks! When we me and Carmel were first married, we spent many a night huddled beneath the sheets, wrapped in each other's arms.

I thought them nights were long gone but, couple of months ago, we went to Australia to visit Carmel's brother and he put us up in a muddie

- that's a shack, in the middle of the bush.

Anyway, one night we went out, we got back to the muddie, we switch off the lights and A giant bat, circling the room, just waiting to pounce on one little bit of exposed flesh, one little bit of exposed, white, English flesh, and suck it dry.

So that was one more night that we spent, huddled beneath the sheets, wrapped in each other's arms.

It's just a pity that it took a giant blood sucking bat endlessly circling round the room to make that happen.

Well, I thought that was funny.

Joe and Laura.

Joe and Laura.

Willy? I've got to go.

You're not serious.

Have you come for Willy Houlihan? Yeah.

That's me.

What's going on? I've done nothing wrong.

What's going on? The money was forged.

Look, I didn't forge it, so I've done nothing wrong.

I'll go with them I'm coming with you.

You're not.

I'm coming with you! You are not! This only happened because I wanted to give Laura a good day so don't you dare spoil it.

You go in there, you tell them I've been called out to a job, a burst, an emergency.

Right? I've done nothing wrong so I'll be out in no time.

I'll be back here in no time.

Right? Right.

Go back.

I love you.

What? I love YOU.

I love you.

Well, I am your wife.

I found 20 grand in a taxi.

An Omega Cab.

I put it on red.

Red won.

And I gave 20 grand back to Omega.

Course you did, Willy.

Is this the woman you gave the money to, Willy? Yeah.

This man says he found £20,000 in one of your taxis and he handed it in here.

I've never seen him before in my life.

Please Thanks.

Come on.

Omega Cabs.

Look, I'm sorry about the driver.

I'm really sorry about the driver.

Where to? Please, tell the truth.

Five or ten minutes.

Please tell the truth.

I've never seen you before in my life.

Now, I'm sorry, but I'm busy.

You're lying.

I gave you 20 grand! Come on get in the car.

I came here yesterday and gave her 20 grand.

Get in the car.

Get in! Anyone near the bridge? It's a perfect way of laundering money, Willy.

Red or black.

Even money.

One day you might lose but the next day you'd win.

It's perfect.

I found it in a taxi.

Who are you working for? Oh, Jesus Christ.

The driver! Sorry? There's an Omega Cab driver in hospital.

He's there because I found the money in his taxi and I didn't cough.

He'll back up everything I say.

Right.

Glaswegian? Yeah.

45

-years

-old.

About that.

I didn't really see his face.

He was driving.

Billy Rafferty.

He's dead, Willy.

What? He d*ed last night in hospital.

Do I get a phone call or summat? You can let someone know where you are.

Would you like to do that? Some one? Yeah.

Just one? Yeah.

Number? Good luck, Son.

Cheers, everyone.

Hello.

Let me speak to your mam.

Bye! Bye! Good time! Dad.

Hello.

How's it going? 'Fine.

They've just got off.

' What's happening? It's not looking too good, love.

Sorry.

Couldn't you have let me know? How? Phone.

I couldn't.

They only allow you one call.

They allowed you one call? They allowed you one phone call? Yeah.

Who did you phone? Carmel.

If they find you guilty, what'll you get? What'll you get? He was trying to prepare me for the worst so he gave me the worst case scenario.

It's not necessarily What'll you get? Five or six years! I can't do without you for five or six weeks, never mind five or six years.

Look, I'm not guilty.

Right? I've done nothing wrong so they'll find me not guilty.

What about you? Can you do without me? The truth? Yeah.

I thought I could once.

But I was wrong.

I'm not guilty so it's not going to happen.

Members of the jury, are you agreed upon a verdict? We are.

Do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty of the passing of counterfeit money? Guilty.

And is that the verdict of you all? Yes.

Mr Anderson.

Your Honour, my client is a man of impeccable character.

A loving husband and father, he has never been in trouble before, no criminal record whatsoever.

He left school at 16, served his apprenticeship, set up his own company and has not missed a single day's work in his life.

He has been married for 25 years, Your Honour, to his wife Carmel and she is here supporting him today.

A truly loving and stable relationship.

They have three children, a young woman of 23 years of age, very recently married with all that that implies in terms of financial and emotional stress, and two teenage sons.

All three are of impeccable character.

And like their mother, they love their father dearly.

This is a respectable, loving and functioning family, and whilst my client understands that you will have to pass a custodial sentence, I would beg you, Your Honour, to show as much leniency as possible in this case.

There is a great irony to all this, Your Honour.

Only months ago my client and his wife celebrated their silver wedding anniversary.

This was swiftly followed by the marriage of their daughter.

These two events were costly.

My client found himself in desperate need of money because he wanted to do his best for his wife and his family.

Whatever he did, your honour, he did it for people he loved.

Thank you.

William Houlihan, you will go to prison for six years.