And cut!
Right, moving on.
She blinked.
Well, we haven't got time
to reset and reshoot.
She definitely blinked.
- For f*ck's sake.
- We'll fix it in post.
Thanks for your energy and enthusiasm
and for staying the extra day.
When will it ever end?
When we finish the pickup sh*ts,
the things you should have
got during the normal sh**t.
Otherwise we wouldn't have
needed this extra day.
Would we?
And how did that happen Peter?
I thought we had to be
out of here by yesterday.
Well yeah, that's what the
trustees of the Manor wanted,
but it'll be fine.
Trust me,
I'm a producer.
You trust me, don't you, Derek?
Yeah, enough to let you talk me
into filming this bloody awful mess.
The money did the talking Derek.
The money did the talking.
People don't even watch these
stupid gothic horrors anymore.
Not here, but out
East they devour them.
And with the great Oliver Lawrence
putting on his cape again.
Directed by the
great Derek Francis.
Blood and gore will always sell.
Blood and gore,
will always sell.
But there's no depth.
There's no characterisation.
Right, let's get Oliver down here.
I'm not paying you lot to stand about.
Enter.
Oliver Lawrence to set please.
Thank you.
That's as far as I go and
that's twenty three pounds.
House is not far
ahead. Round the bend.
Thank you.
How much?
Oh, just pay him.
It's going on expenses.
Well, that's the pub.
That must be the
Manor house up there.
"Round the bend."
Looks a bit dark up there.
Peter's work no doubt.
And just for us.
I'm surprised he didn't have
it called The Slaughtered Lamb.
Buggered Sheep more like.
We need to get in
there don't we.
Simeon Oldman,
writer, raconteur,
Here to produce a set report
on the Crimson Manor film.
Thadeus Saxon.
Here to serve five local ales.
Or a lager, if you must.
I'd er, rather like
a lager, please.
We seek a lift or directions
to the Crimson Manor film set.
They shut up shop yesterday.
As per the strict arrangement
with the Manor's trustees.
No, no, no, no.
Harry Middleton’s
up there right now.
They took him on
as a ‘body double’.
Someone’s got a
body like Harry’s?
Harry Middleton knows better than to
be up there at this time of the month.
Harry Middleton knows nothing.
I had a call this morning from
Peter Castle, the film's producer.
And I can assure you they are most
definitely still filming tonight.
Doing,
pick up,
sh*ts.
And I am due on set, to make a
report for Fantasmagoria magazine.
So we would appreciate a lift
or directions to the manor.
And a quick pint.
And a quick pint.
And a couple of chasers.
Scratch the old itch.
It's walkable from here.
Takes a while.
Go on.
I'll drive you.
As long as you ride in
the back with my girls.
Erm.
Thanks a lot.
That'll be his sheep.
I said.
It's walkable from here.
As long as we stay on the road.
That's right.
And stay off the moor.
Because the beasts of the
night come out at night.
Just a quarter of a
mile in that direction?
Before you go.
Take this.
Right.
The bar's closed.
I'll bid you, good evening.
No, darling.
It's not complicated.
You're just falling out of sh*t.
And then your double
will do the actual fall.
No, no, no, no, no.
You see, because I need the...
I need it for motivation.
I'll do it.
Thank you Helen.
It's Fiona.
Yes, thank you darling.
It's nice to work with people
who understand the craft.
Hippo pot, hippo pot, leather turtle,
leather turtle, bidet, bidet, douche!
Right. We're turning.
Don't forget your teeth Oliver.
- Teeth.
- Oh.
f*cking teeth. Yes.
With... with feeling darling.
Yes?
With feeling.
Ready now Oliver?
Then... action!
The only cr*ck you're
going to see...
is the cr*ck of dawn.
And cut.
That'll do.
Body double.
Are you sure Derek?
I can do it again.
You can't possibly
improve on that.
Well, that's more than can be said
for Peter's choice of my stunt double.
I'll grant you he's the right age,
but the man's barely five feet tall.
He was the only local who
would come out tonight.
And if you hadn't chased
off your original double,
we wouldn't have needed him.
An amateur darling. An amateur
with a f*cking big nose.
No, no, good riddance.
Action.
Now.
Okay, reset.
Jesus Christ!
Action.
It'll soon be over.
Think of the credit.
Well yeah but is it the
sort of credit you want.
- Rolling.
- Oh Jesus Christ.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Personally, I jumped at the chance
to work with an old idol of mine.
And action.
They say you should
never meet them.
Yeah or work with children.
Okay reset.
At least it's work.
Yes.
And erm...
I'd really want to thank you for all the
tremendous support you've given me...
throughout the sh**t.
And action.
I know it's not been easy.
The erm...
I mean the reality is the, the first AD is the
hardest job on the set. Everybody hates them.
And settle.
Oh, er...
And... action.
Simeon?
Is that you?
Yeah, we're still sh**ting.
Just checking your ETA.
On our way up from the pub.
Nice touch with the
signage, by the way.
Having the taxi driver to refuse to go
any further towards the manor was perhaps,
a set up too far.
Even for a showman
like you, Peter.
Oh, very nice.
Close enough to
hear your effects.
Be with you in minutes.
Just another of Peter's stunts.
I can see lights from the Manor.
Why don't we just
cut across the grass?
I see no reason not to follow...
I think I've sh*t myself.
I think I've sh*t myself.
I have, I've sh*t myself.
Help me!
Help... me!
Soon hopefully.
Oliver's not quite drunk so
we might get away with it.
Yeah, yeah.
We'll do some night sh*ts, you know,
keep going until they chuck us out.
Meant to be yesterday.
Yeah. I can't believe my luck.
Hey, keep Oliver busy
until they show up.
Make up some sh*ts
if you have to.
Do anything to keep him from
sneaking off and grabbing a drink.
Okay.
Where is he?
He sneaked off.
Christ!
Just find him!
Hmm.
Oh!
Looks promising.
Oh, vodka.
So uncouth.
Ah, that's more like it.
Oh.
A performer like myself.
Oliver?
Keep looking.
So depressing.
It's alright, it's ok.
It's alright?
Why is it alright?
I'm on my way to my stash
in the stable block.
Dropped it off earlier.
You know, figured this acting lark's
just standing around doing nothing.
So I thought, why not?
Well, I like a man
who knows his trade.
And plans ahead.
Shall we?
Lead on Macduff.
Oh, very good.
Yes, yes.
I've played Macbeth,
at the Brigham Rocks
open air theatre.
Perhaps you saw it?
The critics loved it, of course, but
there's always the thr*at of rain.
Which plays havoc
with one's makeup.
And in my case,
frankly, a spiteful Lady Macbeth,
who was more interested in flirting
with the stagehands than giving
her fellow actors the correct cues.
And another thing about
working in the open air,
one realises how wildly inaccurate
the weather forecasting...
Good god!
What on earth is
this doing here?
And what on earth
are you doing there?
Well, getting over a rather
nasty shock actually.
Peter you've got to do this
special effects chap in hand.
I could have broken my neck.
Effects! Come here!
Oliver, I need you on
your best behaviour.
The reporters will
be here any minute.
Reporters?
And they specifically
want to see you in action.
And we don't want to let
the press down, do we?
Oliver Laurence has
never let anyone down.
Gave me quite a fright.
I didn't know we had
severed limbs in the pic.
We don't.
She was a full and fruity ewe,
with a fleece as white as snow.
She’d look at me with
them comely eyes.
No.
No I'm sorry, I just
can't wear these.
Can't wear what?
You’ve worn the teeth for
the whole film Oliver.
And every time you've played this
part, which is seven times now.
Seven times, is it really?
I suppose I have rather
made the role my own.
And it's been fun,
reviving it, hasn't it?
One more time,
hasn't it darling?
Well, it did buy
me a new boiler.
Yes and er...
paid for my new hip.
Oh, I'd no idea, I'm so sorry.
Oh Derek.
Dear old Derek.
We have heard the chimes at
midnight, have we not, old friend?
But you know, these fangs, they
really are f*cking unbearable.
And as for the contact lenses, don't
get me started on the contact...
No, no, no.
We've agreed about the contacts and we
let you drop them, Oliver, remember?
But, you're playing a vampire
and vampires have fangs.
Yes, but do they?
I'm not sure why.
He's European nobility.
Living incognito.
And he can certainly
afford cosmetic dentistry.
Peter, I'm just saying, I don't
see why I have to wear these teeth.
These are the last pick-ups
of the film Oliver darling.
So please just wear the
teeth and get on with it.
And then, who knows,
we could all go home.
Excuse me.
Come on, you've got this.
You can do this.
We've done this.
You can do this.
Where exactly did you get this?
Excuse me. I said where...
Yes I tripped over
it on the drive.
If you're insinuating that I've
been rummaging through your stuff.
- Is that what you're suggesting?
- Well it isn't mine.
No, but these bloody teeth
are. And they're f*cking awful.
Yeah, speaking of bloody.
Here.
Just taste this.
What the f*ck is wrong with you?
Thought vampires love the stuff.
Derek.
Derek, I don't have to put up
with this glorified make up man,
assaulting me with
his floppy props.
No, I mean, you're
absolutely right.
It's absolutely
appalling. I'm so sorry.
Listen can you show some f*cking
respect for the actors and f*ck off.
No, no, no, it's no good. No, no, no.
I need five minutes to compose myself.
Five minutes to drink
yourself steady more like.
Right, everyone, I think
let's all take five.
I think we're all feeling a bit frazzled.
And it's been a very long sh**t.
And if we can just hold it together,
all of us, just for one more night.
And...
then we can all go home.
Come on, we can do this
and chin up everybody.
Oliver?
Can I ask you just to
come outside for a sec?
I'm knackered, I'm hungry and
I'm fed up of that old hack.
One thing I'm not is horny.
Aww no, no. It's not that. It's
this. I think it might be real.
No moves.
Honest. Okay, look.
No hands.
He’s a piece of work isn’t he?
Yeah.
When I signed up for this,
I didn’t know he’d be in it.
Well, it wouldn't have
got made without him.
I thought he was dead.
Ah well, vampires
never die, you see,
they just reappear in remakes.
I could k*ll him
myself sometimes.
You know. I don't
know how Fiona hasn't.
She's got some weird
soft spot for him.
Mmm.
Horror fan you see.
Back in the day my mum had
more than a soft spot for him.
Used to think he was dead sexy.
Oh hey, I've got a signal.
Lucky you I've been offline
most of the bloody sh**t.
You okay?
Oh, we got a problem.
Wrong film.
Right genre.
This is wrong.
This is just wrong.
A masterpiece.
Owen.
Ooh.
Owen.
Don't look around.
Eurgh.
You've got to be
f*cking kidding.
You've not come to
save me, have you?
You've not got a g*n?
Tell me... that
you've got a phone.
Shhh.
f*ck. Please don't do this.
Shhh.
Help me please.
Help me!
Yarrrrgh.
I've got the booze here.
Oh yes.
It's just that I don't
want to drink out of the,
straight out of the bottle
like some common derelict.
So, that's where old Mascalini’s
stuff ended up is it?
I think I met him once.
Got a flat tyre going
through the village.
Helped him with his spare
but he didn't say thank you.
Been almost twenty years
since he disappeared.
What, he's not dead then?
Vanished on tour,
Eastern Europe.
Trustees keep the place up.
Rent it out to the odd
people like you lot.
Pays for the upkeep I suppose.
But never for the full month.
I think I'm getting
the hang of this.
I was always very good at props.
Was that the Carpathians?
The Carpathians, where
Mascalini disappeared?
It's just it's beginning to sound a bit
like a back story of one of my films.
No offence, but no one's really
interested in backstories.
It's best to keep
them brief and...
and vague.
That having been said,
we don't have anything else to
talk about, so please carry on.
Not much more to
continue with really.
Just the same nonsense you know.
In hills like these.
Nonsense?
Stories.
Lot of dead sheep.
Sheep, yes, bit of
a cliche. But er...
And the odd person.
Always at a full moon.
Erm... You're
wanted on set ASAP.
Your fall wasn't quite
the fall they were after.
Although I think you
might nail it this time.
Er, I'll come and get
you when you're needed.
Thank you darling girl.
I need the time
to compose myself.
I remember old Barbara,
who used to be stage doorkeeper
at the Gate House Theatre.
She always used to say to me...
Yes, quite right darling.
Old Barbara was a boring,
depressing old cow.
Eurgh.
Forty winks I think.
Bloody reporters
haven't shown up.
Just as well. Oliver needs a little
more time to compose himself.
Why do I do it?
Do what?
Provide all of you with
wonderful career opportunities,
while I take all the sh*t.
I don't know why I bother.
Because you're a
money grabbing toad.
No, no, tiny little feet.
Oh.
What? Whatever? What? Oh.
Boom?
Boom! Where's the boom?
So where the bloody hell is she?
She's probably off getting
wild tracks somewhere.
Or as far from you as possible.
Peter.
Peter.
It's alright there's no sound
actually needed for this sh*t.
That's not the point she's
paid to be here on set.
We're being paid for this
extra day then are we?
Who the f*ck put
ten pence in you?
Alright, can we all concentrate?
I've got the boom going AWOL.
Lead actor having
a bloody lie down.
Excuse me, but your
lead actor has arisen.
And is ready for action.
Where do you want me darling?
Actually, Olly, I don't think
you're really needed, until the...
until the reporters arrive.
Well, let's hope that's them.
What did he say?
Sounded like there's a wolf.
I heard where's a wolf.
There are no f*cking
wolves around here.
Just ask him.
No point.
He won't be saying anything.
Ever.
What he's dead?
Very.
What are we supposed to do?
We should probably cover him up.
Not with the costumes, please.
No absolutely not.
Curtains?
Yeah, literally.
It's alright, I'll do it.
Should probably call the police.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Just a minute let's
think about this.
If they come they'll
shut us down.
How many sh*ts are left?
Erm.
Fiona.
How many sh*ts are left lovely?
Fiona?
How many sh*ts are left lovely?
No signal.
I'd say our final death scene is
somewhat lacking by comparison.
It's funny.
I was just waiting to set
something up for the press.
The press?
Where are the f*ckers
when you need them?
Well, I think we know
where one of them is.
Oops Sorry.
Something out there...
did something like this.
Hey!
I need a signal.
Oliver's right.
Something out there,
did something like that.
Then we need to call the police.
But not from out there.
Surely, stay in here
where it's safe.
And then we'll quickly
finish the sh*t list.
I got a signal in the top
bedroom a couple of days ago.
It was weak, but it'll do.
Yes, ah. I may have it.
They sh**t mad dogs don’t they?
And there are always g*ns on a
film set like this aren't there?
Right. Have you actually
read the script?
Yes, yes, I've read the script.
Well, I've read my lines.
With a film like this I
find it's best not to,
let yourself know what
you've signed up to.
It keeps the work fresh.
It's how I like to do it.
Well, we're making
a vampire film.
That's right.
So you're k*lled with a stake
to the heart, or sunlight.
I don't think that's
going to work.
No.
Actually,
maybe it will.
We've got these.
- Straight through the heart.
- Yes, yes.
That might work,
that might work.
You would have to get
rather close, though.
Yeah, yeah.
In the meantime, what
are we supposed to do?
Erm, we make sure whatever's
out there stays out there.
Right.
Yeah. We'll lock
everything down.
Okay people let's do it.
Doors and windows,
arseholes and elbows.
And the light.
"Beasts of the night
don’t like light."
Okay.
Okay.
So we put out all the lights
in the place, inside and out.
Great idea.
Lights on.
The lights on inside and out.
"Beasts of the night
don’t like light."
It's a local saying.
From where?
I don't know.
Just is. Look it
up. I don't know.
Emergency which service?
Police and ambulance please,
there's been a, a death.
Someone has d*ed?
At Talbot Manor.
Is that where
you're calling from?
Yeah, Talbot Manor.
It's in the hills
south of Bridgnorth.
And the person is
definitely dead.
Yes, yes, very much so.
We want to get in
there, don't we.
Yes, yes, best be thorough.
Doubles first.
It's very steep.
What can you see?
Hello.
Oh.
You remind me,
of a young Caroline Gatwick.
She was a reckless Desdemona.
"I kissed thee
ere I k*lled thee,
no other way but this, k*lling
myself, to die upon a kiss".
All, you know.
My old friend Liza Harrogate.
You knew Liza?
Yes I knew her very well.
Very beautiful and
talented woman.
Although she had terrible er...
arthritis.
Which she successfully
hid from the camera.
She's in a care home
now in Eastbourne.
She still sends me
a Christmas card.
Of course, there have been many,
many, many, many, many, very, very,
very many others since but er...
In fact I think, I rather think our lovely
first AD's got a bit of a thing for me.
I may have to find time to
give her a private performance.
Oww!
How?
No, no, no a gentleman never
reveals that sort of thing.
Oh, God.
Oh, no you found a bottle Olly.
I'll see you on set
when you're ready, then.
They’re saying it could be
hours before the police turn up.
Hours?
Half term staff shortages. They’re
all on holiday with their kids.
Train wreck in Ludlow a
serious incident in Telford.
And this isn't a
serious incident.
Yeah but he's already
dead, isn't he?
So it's classed as non-urgent.
Non-urgent?
There's a wolf out
there somewhere.
Nah, it's a big dog maybe.
Not a wolf.
Big dog?
That's a bloody big dog.
Well if it's a big dog.
We can handle it
ourselves can't we.
Instead of handling
it maybe some of you
could distract it away and
one of us, gets to a car.
You know.
And goes for help?
If you like.
Or, we could just stay here and
wait for the police to arrive.
Fiona, what do you think?
Anyone seen Ellie or Owen?
Who?
You've been living and working
with them for four weeks.
What do they look like?
Aww fucks sake.
Boom and effects.
No.
Actually, I haven't
seen them either.
Not since the body double sh*ts.
Yeah.
About half an hour ago.
Heading out.
What? Out there?
We better go and look for them.
What out there?
They could be injured.
They could be
enjoying themselves.
They could be anywhere.
Quite.
And these grounds are
absolutely enormous.
We could put the
spotlight on the roof.
Steve, you work the light
and if you see anything of Ellie or
Owen call it in and we'll head out.
Okay.
You set it up I'll
work the spots.
I'm allergic to dogs.
I get terrible hives
and I'm pulling rank.
Hey, see you found a drink?
So much blood.
You alright?
I've lost my walking stick.
I think it's in the cellar.
He took his head clean
off with one stroke.
My double.
I think he's dead.
So much blood.
Your body double?
Harry?
Was that his name?
Poor Harry, he's in the cellar.
I need you to help me
check on something.
Why?
- Put that down.
- What are we doing?
I'm going to go down there.
But I need you to
stay here, okay?
I will do.
Oh, f*ck.
Oh you f*cking bastard.
Eurgh!
Eurgh!
Oh my god, oh my god.
Oh thank god you're alive Fiona.
I don't know what happened
just seemed to have got stuck.
You fucker.
I'm really sorry.
I'm. I'm so sor...
Oh god.
Well you look like you
need a drink Derek.
You come with me.
All good to go.
Spotlight's on the
roof. Should work.
Isn't that Owen's coat?
I know.
I'm taking it out there for him.
What's going on?
I'll tell you later.
I need a drink.
Yeah cheers.
Cheers.
Santé
Good health and good luck.
Er, Oliver.
Here's your stick.
Darling.
Peter, you ready?
Lighting up now.
I see something.
You see it?
No.
It's...
the boom girl.
Ellie?
She alive?
Yeah.
But very badly hurt.
She's crawling towards
you around the back.
There's no sign of the mad
dog, so you're good to go.
Oh, she really needs your help.
So, chop, chop.
And while you draw
the thing to you,
I'll nip round the front.
And be gone.
Okay.
I'll take care of the dog.
You take care of Ellie.
No.
I'll take care of the dog.
And if these don't work, then...
I'll piss on it.
Weird.
Okay, Peter.
We're still all clear?
I have a clean view
and it's all safe.
You're all clear.
Okay, just let us know
when you're ready.
You can count on it.
Okay.
Let's go.
Look, darling, someone's
got to stay, in case,
a telegram arrives.
Or the police turn up.
And I can explain
the situation and...
sign a few autographs.
sh*t! f*ck!
Hello Monty.
I'll call you back.
Peter?
Peter, she's dead.
Peter, are you there?
She's dead.
Oh my God.
God. Oh, God.
Oh my glasses.
Steve! Help! Come back.
Ah, argh, argh.
Ah, argh, argh.
Nice doggy.
Big doggy.
Aargh.
That is not a big dog.
It's not a wolf either.
What is it?
What's happened?
Peter screwed up.
He said that Ellie was alive,
but she couldn't have been.
Why would he say
that she was alive?
Peter, are you there?
Fiona, I'm going to find Peter and
see what the hell he's playing at.
Forget Peter.
Call the police.
And turn the light off.
Ah, now I've been told,
beasts of the night
don't like the light.
Just turn it off.
Oh sh*t!
Peter?
Are you there Peter?
Where are you Peter?
Oh my God it's...
it's in the house.
Right come on.
Can't we just bolt ourselves in
and wait for the police to come?
No.
It's the first AD's job to get
the actors where they need to be.
When they need to be there.
So get the f*ck up.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Throw the bottle, Oliver.
What?
No, no, no, we might need this.
Throw the bottle Oliver.
We're with the film people.
We mean you no harm.
I'm Oliver Lawrence.
And this is er?
Just keep him talking darling.
The show must go on.
Olly.
Please.
"Then out spake brave Horatius,
The Captain of the gate.
To every man upon this earth.
Death cometh soon or late.
And how can man die better,
than facing fearful odds.
For the ashes of his fathers,
and the temples of his gods."
En Garde!
That's an antique actually so...
That's interesting.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry. I fell asleep.
How am I going to get home?
Well you come with me, darling.
Thank you.
I always wanted to meet you.
Really? How sweet.
Cor,
look what a mess they’ve made.
Well, quite.
It reminds me of a
production I was once in.
You see, It had been
raining all afternoon
and the stage was like
an absolute ice rink.
And the actress
playing Sabina Severus
slipped and sustained
quite a serious concussion.
And during my final speech to
the people and senators of Rome
two St John's Ambulance paramedics
came on stage with a stretcher,
which I know some people
found distracting.
That's the theatre, darling.
Do you get to the
theatre much yourself?
Only sometimes. Not a lot.
I tell you what I have got,
which you might find interesting.
Two complimentary tickets to,
Brigham Rocks, Open Air Theatre Gala
Performance of Look Back in Anger.
- Oh, really?
- We might go together.
- I'd love that.
- I think it's a week on Saturday.
Ladies and gentlemen.
For my next trick,
I require a volunteer from
the audience.
Ah.
It is good that you
leave Karlstadt.
Leave Karlstadt?
At the time of the full moon
the town is cursed.
But I can't leave Karlstadt.
All my things are here.
My top hat alone is
worth going back for.
It's pure Indian silk.
And then there's the
rabbit to take care of.
If you must, you must.
Do you carry any silver?
I'm afraid I'm a little short.
But you must have silver.
I wish I had.
Dear lady.
Then take this.
You will know how to use
it if the time comes.
I've used something
similar before.
Thank you for your hospitality
and your sanctuary
and your generous gift.
Dear lady.
But I better be off.
Hmm. Quite yes.
Arggh, ah, argh.
Scream of the Wolf (2022)
Moderator: Maskath3