01x05 - The Apartment

[bunniefuu]

Dan, come on over. The water's fine.

I have the same water as you,
and you know it's not fine.

Alright, well, you're missing out,

'cause we're having
a pretty good time over here.

- Ah!
- What? What is it?

It's nothing, your odor... Your Honor.

Hypothetically, if you had a co-worker

who smelled like soggy cardboard
in the back of a taxi,

would you want me to tell you
that that's you?

I'm having some issues
with my apartment.

It's above a German beer hall,
so no matter what I do,

I smell like a combination
of sauerkraut, mustard,

and soccer fan B.O.

Yeah, it's not my dream
apartment, but it's New York.

Nobody spends time inside anyway.

And it will be even less

when my fiancé, Rand, visits
this weekend.

He wants to go see
the ladies of "The View."

Not the show. He knows where they live

for some reason.

So, it's totally fine. It's fine.

It's not fine for people
who are close to you

and still have a nose.

You need a new apartment.
You know, and you happen to be

in the building with the info to get it.

What you do is that you find
whoever has this place wired,

and you're set.

Claire, looking good.

Donnie, I loved your one-man show.

Timo! How's your mama's psoriasis?

Well, tell her to keep her head
up and her scalp moisturized.

I see where this is going.

Fine, I'll help you.

[♪]

[♪]

So, Gurgs,

how's your life going?

Great as always. I got a
quesadilla maker.

With a little bit of cheese,

I can turn anything into a quesadilla.

This folder? Quesadilla.

This shirt? Quesadilla. [LAUGHS]

I heard you might, uh,
know certain things,

like places where people, um, dwell.

What the judge is trying to ask
is can you help her find

a new apartment
that doesn't make her smell

like the inside
of a men's-only omelet cafe?

Thank you, Dan.

I'd just love to have something
to show Rand this weekend.

We've been doing
the long-distance thing,

but we make it fun.

There's a nice little diner
halfway between us

that specializes in something
called Oneonta Clam Chowder,

which is gray.

Well, I'm glad you came to me for help.

I'm a great amateur Realtor.

I found my friend Cheryl
an amazing storefront

where she sells garbage cams.

- Cans.
- Cams.

Cans.

- Cans.
- Cams.

Okay, I think we got it.

And finding you a place
will be super easy.

I mean, who wouldn't want
a judge owing them a favor?

Uh, I'd rather my position
not be a part of it.

I became a judge because I want

to help people, not for the perks.

Okay, so you got a moral code.

That's gonna make this harder.

But I got this.

Would you be okay
if people watched you sleep

as part of an art experiment?

[♪]

Abby will find a place, and
she'll look back on this fondly,

because having a bad apartment
in New York

is a rite of passage,
like telling your friend

you loved his play.

I lived under a cannery once.

- Did you know fish scream?
- Aah!

That's male salmon.

I think I left something
in the cafeteria.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. It was my charger

for my, uh, bippity-bip, ring-ring.

Whoa. Wait. What's happening?

- Oh. Is that her?
- Is what? Is that who?

- I've never met anyone. Let's go.
- No, wait, just...

I never thought I'd say this
to anybody in this building,

but, Neil, please, tell me more.

A few years ago, Olivia was up for a job

at one of those big law firms

that represents all the terrible people.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

So, she bombs the interview,

chases that woman down, corners her...

No, I nailed the interview,

and then after, in the lobby,

I bumped into one
of the partners, Lesley,

and I got a little flustered

trying to engage in polite conversation,

you know, like,
"How do you take your pudding?"

[LAUGHS] Dear God.

And... And... And then
I accidentally crammed myself

into the same section
of the revolving door

that she was in, and it got stuck.

For six hours, and she talked
about pudding the whole time.

[SIGHS] That is a career ruiner,

but on the bright side,
you have made me very happy.

Can we stop talking about this now?

'Cause I hate this story.

Oh, y'all talking about
door pudding? [LAUGHING]

I love that story.

What is she even doing here?

I... I thought I would never have
to see that woman again.

It looks like she has a case
here tomorrow night.

What? I'm gonna be in court
tomorrow night.

That means I'm gonna
have to look at her.

And she's gonna be able to look at me.

Well, that's how being in the
same room with a person works.

Y'all gonna come in here
and do your job or what?

The State is charging Mr. Simms
with as*ault.

He had an altercation with his landlord,

who evicted him
after his ninth noise complaint.

But, Your Honor, you got to understand,

I'm just trying to write
that one perfect song.

Let's not.

as*ault? Your Honor, this was
a simple misunderstanding.

My client accidentally
pushed his landlord

as he was being evicted
from his home of years.

[CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY]

Bailiff, do you need a moment?

I'm fine, Your Honor.

Eviction, huh? That's interesting.

An empty apartment.

Empty like crazy.

Bailiff, approach the bench.

Oh. I never get to do this.

Did you move an eviction case
to the top of the pile?

No, Your Honor.

I infiltrated the entire pile.

The day clerk owed me a favor,

so I got him to kick us
all his eviction cases.

I don't think I love
this version of house hunting.

Why? You're not doing anything
wrong. You're just sitting here,

listening to details. Enjoy.

Your Honor, Mr. Simms has lived
in his Gramercy Park apartment

- since...
- Hmm.

... .

He was distraught.
He was being thrown out

of a home that he had
spent years renovating.

Mm.

Your Honor, none of this
excuses the injuries

that my client and his...

Injuries that, uh...

Sorry. What I was trying to say was...

he go jail now.

Okay, the people have failed to prove

that this was not an accident.

Mr. Simms, you're free to go.

And for the record,
there already is a perfect song.

It's called "You Oughta Know,"
and it's by Alanis Morissette.

Counselors, approach.

- What am I missing here?
- Uh, sorry.

It's just, there's a woman here
who, um, rejected me for a job.

So, I... I just need a second
to get it together.

I don't know about that. I think
you had the "So, um,

he go jail now"
prosecution down perfect.

Mr. Fielding, it's not polite
to razz the prosecution.

That wasn't razzing.

That was mocking.

Okay, let's take five.

Oh, that's how I know you.

- You're door pudding.
- Yes.

Welcome.

I'm just here scoping out this
place before my trial tomorrow.

You know, I'm surprised
someone with your potential

would end up here.

You do an amazing impression
of my mother.

Unless it's actually
a pretty smart play.

Build up trial experience,
get some wins.

I'll be interested
to see what you do tomorrow.

Oh. Right. Tomorrow.

That's two days after yesterday.
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]

And the day that
I'll be calling in sick.

I'll just say that I ate
whatever Abby smells like.

Hey, it's whatever "Her Honor"
smells like to you.

- Ugh, it's on the gavel now.
- Call in sick?

What are you talking about?

She was courting you.

- She was?
- Yes, yes.

She was hinting that you still
got a sh*t at this job.

I mean, it was so obvious,
even Neil could pick up on it.

- What did I pick up on?
- Oh. No, he didn't.

But all you have to do is show
her what you've got tomorrow.

I can't go up against her
in a conversation.

What are the odds
I'm gonna b*at her in a trial?

Alright, look, if you're that
nervous, I can help you prepare.

Why would you do that?

You want something from me.

All I want is the fulfillment I get

from passing along
my guidance and wisdom

- to the next generation.
- Uh-huh.

And a bagel and lox from Zabar's

every Saturday morning
for the next four months.

[SCOFFING] Yeah. Okay.

I'll take the help.

- Uh, Olivia?
- Uh-huh.

You forget the capers, I'll ruin you.

[♪]

I really appreciate everything
you've been doing, Gurgs,

but I just can't take the apartment

of someone who's just been evicted.

Loud and clear. You don't feel good

about using the court to get you stuff.

But you do like finding the good
in a bad situation.

That gave me the inspiration

for the death certificate office.

These people don't need
in-unit washer/dryers.

They're in God's hamper now.

Still, it's a little creepy, right?

Everybody thinks that,

but there's actually
nothing creepy about this place.

Hey, Sandy.

You been working out?

There are some nice zip codes here.

But still, it's just not ideal

that my first apartment with Rand

is somewhere where "two people
exploded each other."

Aww, hope it was for love.

No, keep reading. It says it wasn't.

Okay, you know what?

I actually think that my current
apartment isn't so bad.

Smelling like sausages
does have its upside.

Who doesn't love a bunch of dogs
following them around?

Well, I'm sorry I couldn't help,

but why don't you come over
to my place tomorrow morning

before Rand gets here,
have some brunch quesadillas,

and take a shower
where you won't come out

smelling worse than when you started?

I... I don't think I should.

We should really keep this professional.

Actually, please let me.

I've snuck into the Equinox
so many times,

they're now keeping guards
outside the showers.

- Come on in.
- I brought my own towel.

Ah, but now I'm feeling weird
about drying my body

with something I carried on the subway,

so I still need to borrow a towel.

Why is there no furniture?

I am embracing minimalism.

I had to get you to see this place.

It's perfect, and you can barely
sense that someone d*ed here

of auto-erotic, uh...

natural causes.

[♪]

Alright. So, first, we got to
get you in the right headspace.

Visualize yourself
in the courtroom, in control.

You are powerful, tall, masculine.

You're me.

I don't think this is helping.

- Do I have to stay for this?
- Yes.

You are an integral part of the process.

Our remote control.

Now, play the tape
of Lesley in day court.

Now, watch the way she moves.

There's... There's a cocky strut there.

Yeah, and look at that day clerk, Clint,

peacocking around in his bolo tie.

Now, if you mimic her movements,

you will confuse and frighten her.

Now, watch the way she walks
there. You see that?

There's a bit of a... a
lean to it there. Right?

Uh-huh. Yeah, like that, like that.

Now, remember, this is your home court.

You're in control.
You know, take up space.

Don't give her any space.

More... Well, maybe not that much space.

Okay, I can't do this! I can't do it!

I... I can't walk like her.
I can't talk like her.

I am never gonna b*at her.

- I just... I give up.
- You can't give up.

You've got to make up
for the oyster thing.

I... I mean for the door thing.

Oh, that'swhat this is about.

Some oyster thing.

This isn't about me. This is about you.

Yes, of course it's about me.

Everything's about me.

I was up for a job at an ampersand firm,

and I was so close to getting it

that the partners even took me
out for a celebratory lunch.

I decided I would impress them

with my expert oyster-shucking skills.

Unfortunately, earlier,
I had already impressed them

with my whiskey drinking skills.

And the oyster Kn*fe slipped,

and I stabbed the oldest partner.

Small tip... don't pull
the Kn*fe back out.

Also, don't put it back in.

Even when everybody's screaming,
"Why did you pull it out?!"

That one little mistake cost me
a job and my future career,

but you, you have a chance
to rewrite your origin story.

You show Lesley up,
and it'll be a win for you,

but more importantly, it would be a win

for night court lawyers everywhere.

Even more importantly than that,
it'll be a win for me.

[♪]

Gurgs, we talked about this.

I'm sorry I tricked you,
but this place is such a find.

bed, -/ bath, fireplace.

Smell that. [SNIFFING]

That's nothing.
Your apartment don't have to

smell like anything.

I wish that was true. I just...

I don't want to use
the fact that I'm a judge

- to help me get into a...
- No.

You are always trying to find
the bright side of things.

Can't you find the bright side

of getting first dibs
on a place like this?

It is nice. I guess
I could just look around.

Yeah, you could.

I mean, that wouldn't be unethical.

It would be ethical as hell.

Just one caveat,
barely worth mentioning.

New York City landlords
don't like renting

to judges or lawyers,
so if he asks, you make teeth.

Arnold!

This is my friend Abby
I was telling you about.

I... I make teeth.

- Is that interesting work, or...
- Oh, is it ever. Yeah.

I... I love looking in people's mouths.

It's... It's like a hot,
weird cave in there.

Well, actually, I was wondering,

my son, he just grew in an extra tooth.

- Is that normal?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. So normal.

The, um... The average human...
[STAMMERS]

... has anywhere between
and teeth.

Well, I'll... I'll just, uh...
I'll follow up

on your references,
and I'll be in touch.

Fingers crossed.

Or, as we say in the tooth business...

It's in the tooth fairy's hands now.

May that wily bitch bless us this day.

[♪]

- Rewrite my story.
- Rewrite your story.

Rewrite it, girl.

Notice anything different

"bolo" my neck? [BELOW]

Wait, where's Lesley?

She had to go handle
a higher profile case.

- Bludgeoning.
- So you guys get the Devinator.

Sorry, I should have
started with, "I'm Devin."

Of course I'm not going to get
to go up against Lesley,

because my life has been cursed
since the day I met her.

And much like that revolving door,

I am now stuck in a sweaty
chamber of my own failure.

You know, I said
this is about me, but it isn't.

It's about you.

Alright, look, this type
of disappointment

is still fresh to you.

After I shucked my way out of that job,

I b*at myself up for years,

but that doesn't have to happen to you,

because you have two things
that I didn't...

a chance to go and kick Devin's ass,

and more importantly, you have me

to give you speeches like this.

You know what? This isabout me.

I'm the hero. Yes, of course.
It, uh, makes sense.

Alright, now go in there
and destroy this schmuck

who took your dream job
and is living your dream life.

You think he has a vintage Ralph Lauren

mahogany sleigh bed?

- Oh, I do, I really do.
- Let's do this.

It's a pull.

Doors. Not her thing.

And so, in conclusion,

I humbly ask this court

to stand up for truth and justice,

so that our children
may grow up in a world

where no man can steal an ambulance,

even if it isa triple dare.

The prosecution rests.

Thank you, counselor.

In the future, I only ask

that you keep your arguments
under two hours.

Guilty. That's a recess, people.

Good work, counselor.

Oh, and just know that Zabar's
gets really crowded

on Saturday morning, so get there early.

Oh, Judge, you got the place!

Oh, gosh, I got it?

Oh, I cannot wait to tell Rand

I have a place to show him this weekend.

[♪]

He's not coming down, is he?

Something came up at work,
so he had to cancel.

You know, it's actually better,
because I am gonna start

planning how to decorate the apartment.

I'm gonna get the floor plans,

and I'm gonna start measuring, so...

You don't have to do that.

You don't have to always try
and find the positive spin.

You're allowed to be mad.

I think it's better to put
positive energy out there.

To each his own.

I always try to put
medium energy out there.

Of course, no energy is the dream.

Yes, it is hard to be positive
all the time.

Especially lately.

This transition has been
a little harder than I thought.

Mm. You know what?

Let's try something
for the next few minutes.

Just allow yourself to be angry.

- No, I don't think...
- No, just try it.

- No, it's just not how I...
- Just try it.

Would you stop interrupting me?!

I have enough going on already!

Nothing is going how I planned!

My apartment makes me smell disgusting!

I have to eat chicken breakfast
at : in the afternoon!

I can't unsubscribe
from any e-mail list,

which has nothing to do with the
move, but it's very frustrating!

- Anything else?
- And Rand isn't here!

I want him to be here
to help me with this stuff!

And, no, I know it's not totally
fair to make him uproot his life

just for me to pursue a dream,
but, ugh, I want it anyway!

Want to keep going? You got at
least another seconds left,

and you haven't even
mentioned gray chowder.

He's coming. The landlord.
Remember, you make teeth.

- What?
- He came to get a copy

of his tenant's death certificate,

and now he's almost here.

Arnold! You old so-and-so.

Hey, how is your son's weird mouth?

I was just in the building
when I ran into your friend,

but she screamed,
"I'm not here" and ran.

So, you're a judge?

Just got a new job. Big step up.

Yes, I... I am a judge.

Uh, but I love that apartment,

and I've had a really bad day.

Any chance you can give a gal a break?

I could still make you a tooth.

How hard could it be?

Actually, I just learned the
apartment's no longer available.

You just learned that?

Yeah. Just now.

I'm gonna go.

I'd like the room, please.

Oh. [MURMURS]

Just...

[ABBY SCREAMS, OBJECTS CRASHING
AND SHATTERING]

See you tomorrow.

I believe we unleashed something.

What you mean, "we"?

[♪]

Sorry about the apartment, Judge.

Mm. Me, too, but it's totally fine.

Don't do it.

Okay, it's not totally fine. It's bad.

- See? I'm getting better.
- And you're gonna tell Rand

you want him to move down here now?

Not quite ready for that yet,

but I am feeling good
about finding a new place,

and I may be willing
to play the game a little bit.

Perfect, because Sandy just
got a big batch of leads in.

Now, I don't want to think
that he's responsible

for these deaths,
but I honestly don't know.

He's an interesting guy.

I think I'm gonna try it my way.

I'm gonna bring muffins
to the marriage license office.

Like with me and Rand,
marriages often mean

one person giving up
their old apartment,

and I'd rather capitalize
on people's happiness

than their misfortune.

Leave it to you to take all the fun

out of bending a corrupt system
to your will.

Alright, but you gonna have to
break the news to Sandy.