02x14 - Valentine's Day

[bunniefuu]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[WHISTLES]

Wow. You are staring
very intensely at your phone.

- Yeah.
- Don't listen to what

the eighth graders say
about the way you dress.

You are making a fashion statement.

What? Oh, no. I'm preparing
to do a FaceTime call

with my sister. It's her birthday.

Oh, my gosh. Can I finally meet her?

Yeah, s-sure, but just a warning...

- She can be really intense.
- Really?

- Like, how so?
- I don't know.

She's just, like, over the top.

Like, kind of no self-awareness,
just really nosy.

- She's just a lot.
- Got it.

Well, thanks for the
warning. [FINGERS SNAP]

Time to meet your sister
from another mister.

Okay. [SIGHS] Alright.

[FACETIME RINGING]

[DING]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Ayesha!

That's my friend, Jacob.

Great to meet you!

Yeah, nice to meet you, too.

[LAUGHS] I'm sorry.

I should've turned the volume down.

Her voice... It just carries, you know?

So, any fun plans?

Uh, yeah, I might go out
with some friends.

They just got married, so...

[CHUCKLES] Ooh. TMI.

You know? It's like, "Why are
you telling me all of this?

I am not your therapist."

[SIGHS] Well, you know what?

I hope you have a good one.

Yeah. Uh, thanks for calling.

Yeah. Okay. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Oh, my God. She is impossible

to get off the phone with.

Every call is like the length
between Netflix seasons.

It's like... I don't
remember what happened

on the last season of "Stranger Things."

That was years ago.

Yeah. I-I don't know.
I think she seemed nice.

I could see us really,
you know, hitting it off.

And she just holds you c*ptive
and she won't let you get away

and she just goes on and on and on.

And right when you think it's
over, she just keeps going.

You know? And I have a story for you.

You might want to sit down,
'cause this one has a lot of turns.

So...

[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]

And then Zach brought me
breakfast in bed,

which is something I only
thought happened in movies.

And that led to some
other stuff that happens

in, you know, other kind of movies.

All I'm saying is
my relaysh is sensaysh.

That means my relationship
is sensational.

Well, Gary hasn't made
any plans that I know of yet.

So just in case he turns out
to be a total gavone,

I called Barclay Prime
and made a backup rez.

- Rez...
- Zervation.

I know how abbreviations work...

Mr. C.

Hmm. Gerald and I have
been so preoccupied,

we forgot it was Valentine's Day.

Didn't make a reservation.
Now everything is booked up.

Girl, we're gonna end up
going to Popeyes.

You should try airport restaurants.

Yeah, people don't realize that
you can make a reservation there.

It's like the best-kept secret
in the city.

That's true,
and Airport Chickie N' Pete's

has the best lobster roll in Philly.

You can quote me on that.

- Gregory.
- Hmm?

So, how's your... relaysh going
with your student's parent?

Worst possible way to phrase that.

Former student's parent.
And it's going well.

It's me and Amber's first Valentine's
Day, so I want to get it right.

Bought three gifts, and I'm still trying

to decide which two to send back.

Oh. Ooh, nail biter.

Well, I do fancy myself
quite the gift-giver,

- so if you need help kinda...
- No.

[SINGSONG VOICE] Hello, everyone!

[NORMAL VOICE] So, I found this
Valentine in my mailbox,

and it's from "a secret admirer."

Candy heart with my name on it.

Is this from one of you guys?

My Valentine's Day plans?

Well, Mo is coming by after
school with a surprise gift.

So I have no idea what to expect
since I don't know him that well,

but based on what I do know,

he has easy access
to shipping materials.

And I always need tape, so...

Aww. Happy Valentine's Day
to you, too, Iggy.

Yeah, you might see me tonight.

I already have car insurance!

Hey, Tristan.

Tristan's a hot dad in the
st percentile of hot dads.

He's got a kid in Jacob's class,
and he's handsome.

He looks like men do
before they have kids.

I'm here to complain.

Oh.

Please continue.
I take umbrage with the fact

that Mr. Hill, a white teacher,

is teaching Black history to my son

and other students
during Black History Month.

Okay, Mr. Umbrage. What do
you want me to do about it?

You could have a Black teacher
teaching it.

Or we could keep having
Mr. Hill teach it,

because if you think about it,

underpaying a white teacher
to teach Black history

is almost reparation.

Fine. Well, I can't do anything
until I observe for myself.

Never heard you utter a word.
Now you bust out "umbrage."

[SCOFFS]

- Miss Teagues?
- Yes?

Did you get my valentine?
The heart candy?

Oh. Yes. Yes.

Um, the one in my mailbox.

Yes, I did get your valentine.

Thank you, Donnie.
That was very, very kind of you.

What if you made another valentine

and you gave it to someone
in your desk pod?

Eh. They're girls.

I need a woman.

So, this happens from time to time.

Students form a real bond with teachers,

which is understandable, but sometimes

it get confused
and turns into a little crush.

Plus, I look like a giant kid,
so they get confused even more.

Internet sucks today, right? [LAUGHS]

Not one scandal? Do better, Twitter.

[MARKER SQUEAKING] You teenagers today

are so boring paying all that attention.

Class, if you are wondering
why Principal Coleman

is sitting in today, fret not.

It's just a standard,

run-of-the-mill classroom observation.

There's absolutely...
nothing to worry about.

I'm a little worried.

This is very un-standard
and out-of-the-mill for Ava.

We all know how we have
been taught to think

about Martin Luther King Jr.
And Malcolm X,

but they were actually much more similar

in their philosophies
by the end of their lives

than they were at the beginning.

Yeah, I mean, people said
they didn't get along,

but that's not true.

Talk about it.
Anybody else know anything

about their real relationship?

They almost swapped
philosophies towards the end.

- Oh, for real?
- For real.

White people wanted to pit them
against each other.

That is right, Paul.

See, history is constantly
being rewritten.

[PHONE LOCKS] That is why you need to

question everything, okay?

You should even question me,
a white teacher.

[STUDENTS MURMUR]

Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]

Did I black out and
rearrange my desk again?

[RHYTHMIC KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I saved this for you.

Oh...

Extra napkins are in
the top left drawer.

Uh... Excuse me, Donnie.
Did you straighten up my desk?

I did.

I see a real future with us.

So, I made reservations
at the airport Cibo Bistro.

Got us a table right by the window

so we could see the planes take off.

Yeah. Gerald loves to see them go.

Well, I still have no word from Gary.

I swear, if I find out
he is dipping his chip

into someone else's dip, it'll
be the last time he sells chips.

He will come through.

Oh, he better, or I'm pulling
the plug on him like we did

my Aunt Denise,
and that sure woke her up,

so maybe it'll make Gary come around.

Well, girl, I'll see you later.

I've got to go look into
the TSA airport check-in thing.

Well, you know you have to buy a ticket

to get through airport security, right?

Wait. What... Ooh!

I have been cruises only
for the past two decades.

That's why I told you.
Now I'm back to square one.

Ooh! Sorry.

JANINE: Hey, Melissa? Hey.

- Yeah.
- Can I get your help with something?

Yeah. Okay, so, I have this kid Donnie,

and he has a little crush on me.

I thought it would blow over,
but he just won't let up.

I mean, he's always going out
of his way to try to impress me

and, like, fixing stuff up
in my classroom.

And I don't even know.

He's, like, sometimes
just staring at me.

You know what I mean?

And to get my attention,
he does this little knock thing.

Eh, I don't know. I mean, I thought...

I thought it was nothing at first,

but now I think he might have
actual feelings for me.

Yeah, no. That's just...
That's puppy love, Dolittle.

It'll pass.

Look, I-I do not think that it'll pass,

and I am so glad you
finally know that he likes you!

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I mean, it's
pretty obvious at this point.

Ohh! I am so relieved!

I thought I was the only one who knew,

and I really wanted to tell you,
but I couldn't because,

you know, he's my friend, too,
and bro code.

Wow. Didn't know you two
were tight like that.

I mean, we're only best friends.

- What?
- When he bought all that candy,

that's when I put the pieces together.

What do you mean
"bought all that candy"?

It was just one little heart candy.

No! Remember? Gregory
bought like so much candy.

- Gregory?
- Yeah.

I was talking about Donnie in my class.

Yes. Yeah. So was I.

Donnie. Donald. Yeah.

Um, I actually think I'm...

I am really late for a meeting with...

No, no. No, no, no. You're lying.

You... You said Gregory.

Like, our Gregory? The school's Gregory?

I don't... You know what?
Actually, I don't

even know anymore. I forgot. Um...

Gregory likes me?

Which you totally already knew, right?

So Gregory told you this?

Not exactly, but when
I called him on it and said,

"Do you have feelings for Janine?"

- he, like, didn't answer.
- Oh, God.

That could mean anything.
Or nothing, really.

But it's also the way
he pays attention to you.

He knows all of your interests.
He's always around you.

Oh, Jacob, we work together!

And what about the dancing at
the club I wasn't invited to?

That... See, that... That was, uh...
That was nothing.

And, uh, it was fun. It was just fun.

Yeah, well, not to brag, but I think
I know something about crushes.

I wrote a -page
research paper in college

about the psychological effects
of longing for someone

and not acting on it.

Gregory does not like me
like that, okay?

We are just friends.

He has a girlfriend, Amber,
who is so different from me.

I mean, honestly.
Could not be more different.

Gregory doesn't like me.

Gregory... liking me?
That cannot be true.

It has to be another one
of Jacob's theories,

like the one he has about all
the teachers here disliking him,

which is false.

Only a handful of them do.

Say, like, % to %.

Unlike Phase One Tony Stark,

Malcolm X and Martin Luther King
were both anti-capitalists.

You seem a little shaky, Mr. Hill.

- Are you good?
- Oh, yeah.

I'm good. I am... totally fine.

Ava has been
in my last three classes, okay?

Either this is some
time-intensive prank,

or I am getting fired...

for teaching Black history.

[SCOFFS] I flew too close to the sun.

Like an anti-r*cist Icarus.

Yes, uh, Principal Coleman?

Just making sure you
don't leave out the part

about Martin Luther King Jr.
Wanting universal basic income.

You mentioned it two periods ago,

but you forgot to
mention it last period.

Uh, thank you, Ms. Coleman,
for publicly calling me in.

You know what? Let's course-correct.

Everybody grab a partner. We are
gonna do some paired reading, okay?

I think we've got an odd number today,

so there's gonna have to be
a group of three.

Why don't you just pair
somebody up with me?

[STUDENTS GASP]

You want to... read?

It be your own teachers, don't it?

[LAUGHS LOUDLY] That's... Oh, sorry.

I was just thinking about
something Jacob said.

It was zany, really.

He said that someone likes me,
which I don't think they do.

But, you know, what's a surefire
way to know if someone likes you?

Well, who did Jacob say liked you?

Oh, I don't want to go into details.

Yes, you do. You brought it up.

And why are we talking about this?

I thought you made a friend for this.

[TAUNTING] ♪ I know who it is ♪

Okay, you know what? You guys
are right. Let's not talk about it.

It's Gregory!

What? W-Why would you guess that?

'Cause it's blatantly obvious.

I mean, he absolutely likes you.

Although I think that workplace
romances are a terrible idea.

Yeah. That's why I never
tried anything with him.

Also, I have a boyfriend.
But mostly Barb's reason.

So, wait. Everyone just...
Just knows this?

Yeah, y'all the only two dummies

that don't know
that you like each other.

Whoa! But you do like him, right?

Despite you lack of swag,
height, and good outfits,

he thinks you're cute, but just don't

do anything nasty on school grounds,

because if I can't, then y'all can't.

I-I can't believe what I'm hearing.

You know... 'Cause I-I-I can't
like Gregory. 'Cause I like Maurice.

Sweetheart, it is possible
to like two people

at the same time.

This is wild. This cannot be a thing.

You know, I am dating
Gregory's friend Maurice,

and Gregory's dating Amber.

Plus, we work together.

So, then what would happen?

We see each other
during the day and at night?

We'd, you know, tell each other stuff

and feel comfortable together?
[CHUCKLES]

Like, share our deepest thoughts,
and, you know... a life.

It's gross, honestly. Just... blegh.

Zach, you can't be
setting up all this in here!

Somebody should really be monitoring

what's allowed to go on at this campus.

Jacob has a free period,

and I'm surprising him with
a Valentine's Day lunch.

They get a free period?

These teachers are lazy as hell!

We were just about to dive
into the rhetoric that MLK used

in his "I Have a Dream" speech.

Wait. Are you in Jacob's class?

As, like, a student?

No, I'm not a student,

but thank you for noticing
my youthful glow.

Some people think
I don't even have pores.

I'm just observing because
I'm a very good principal.

How many classes have you observed?

All of them. How am I
supposed to pass the final

if I don't go to every class?

Sounds like you're doing
more than just observing.

Sounds like you're actually
enjoying learning.

I will kick your
Jacob-loving Saint Valentine ass

right out of this school.
I hate learning.

You just sound so passionate
and engaged.

I'm confused.

I'm confused.

I never liked school.

Got in the way of college.

[SLURPING]

Now here I am, soaking up
Black history lessons

from Jacob of all people.

- No offense.
- None taken.

Do you think that now
that you've ma-toured,

you're actually interested in learning?

That's interesting.

Ugh! Stop making good points.

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

[RHYTHMIC KNOCKING]

Hey. You got a second?

- Yeah, my kids are in gym, so...
- Okay. Good.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Okay. I have something really
important I need to ask you.

Okay.

Did Jacob already tell you?

I mean, to be fair, he didn't mean to.

He thought I knew already,
which I didn't, so...

Well, now that you do,
what do you think?

You think it's good enough?

That's a weird way to phrase it.

I don't think it's about
if it's good enough.

I just think it's, you know...
It's... it's complicated.

That's what I'm stuck on.

It's actually not that complicated.

But it is, though, Gregory.
I mean, it also...

It's ages and up.
How complicated could it be?

Wait... S... Mnh.

Sorry. Wait. Just... Time out. What?

It's... It's got a lot of pieces,
but complicated it is not.

See, Amber's allergic to
real flowers, so it's a Lego set

that you can build
into a bouquet of flowers.

But if you think it's too much
or not enough...

Wait. So, this is your
Valentine's Day gift for Amber?

Yeah.

This is the coolest
friggin' gift I've ever seen.

Okay, good. 'Cause I was worried.

You were worried? I was worried.

- About what? Okay.
- Doesn't matter.

Yeah, what does
matter is that I was right,

and I will be telling Jacob that.

Unh-unh. Javon, sit down! Thank you!

What was that?

That is so cool.

She's gonna love it.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

[WHISTLING]

So, I didn't mean to tell you,
and I was feeling

really bad about it at lunch,
but then I happened to walk by

and I saw that you were having
a rather intense conversation,

so if it went bad, don't blame me,

because, again,
I didn't mean to tell you,

but if it went well,
give me credit, because...

Do you want to shut up now
so that I can tell you?

- Yes.
- Okay.

So, everything's fine.

In fact, everything is more than
fine because he really likes Amber.

So I'm off the hook.
In fact, there was never a hook.

Or a line. Or even a boat.

So... yay.

I'm sorry. I thought...
Wait. Are you sure?

Yes.

And why be sorry? Everything's great.

He got her an amazing gift,

the most romantic Legos I've ever seen,

so, obviously, he's really into her,

which means he's obviously not into me.

Well, people can like
more than one person.

That's not what's happening here.

He really likes Amber.
And I'm really dating Mo.

Well, I guess Gregory's
love language is gifts.

That's why he doesn't respond
to my words of affirmation.

So, I have another surprise for you.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] Wait. Hold that thought.

Um, okay. Please don't fire me.

I can't get bad news while I'm eating.

I have stress-induced IBS.

No one's getting fired, honey.

Ava is the surprise.
Tell him the big news.

Although I am one of the
century's greatest autodidacts,

I found myself paying attention
in your class.

I'll never get through this
if you're looking at me.

Turn around.

I'm going back to school,
I'm enrolling in night courses,

and I might even get the credential

I'm supposed to have to work here.

Ava, that's... Wait.
So I'm not getting fired?

No! You're getting a raise!
In my teacher rankings.

You and Janine were
battling it out for last place.

Miss Teagues?

Oh, hey. Look, Donnie, um...

Valentine's Day is our
most confusing holiday.

Look, I know you think
you have feelings for me,

- but sometimes when we think we...
- Let me stop you.

I don't think I like you anymore.

It's not you. It's me.

- Oh.
- There's someone else.

Can I have my Valentine back?

Of course. Yes. Of course. Heh! Whew.

I see I'm not the only one.

These are the ones I'm gonna
be giving out, but thank you.

So I was like, "Malcolm X?

More like 'Malcolm Y we gotta be
in this class so long?'"

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER STOPS]

Oh. Hey, Dad.

Paul and I were just discussing
today's Black history lesson.

And I bet it was better considering
Mr. Hill wasn't teaching it.

Oh, he was teaching it,
and he's gonna continue to.

Don't judge him by the color of his skin

or by the content of his class.

Wow. I just made that up! [GIGGLES]

So you didn't listen
to any of my concerns?

Why are you just now getting concerned?

I found out in class
that Jacob teaches about

Black historical figures
all year, not just February.

Did you just start
paying attention this month?

Oh. I didn't know that.

Nor did I. Looks like
we both learned something today.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] Son.

See you later.

What a shame.

So hot, yet so very annoying.

[DOOR OPENS]

What's up, Amber?

'Sup, Mo?

Ooh, Telfar bag?!

Happy Valentine's Day to Janine!

I hope you and Gregory
went shopping together.

What are those? Gel-X?

- Good eye.
- Okay.

Uh, hey. What's up? What you doing here?

I'm here to see Janine.
It's Valentine's Day.

- Duh.
- Right.

You think I just hang out
at schools for no reason, huh?

Well, you ain't gotta wait here.
She's just down the hall.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Hi to you, too. Rude.

Look. He got her a Telfar bag.

He... did.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- JANINE: Oh, hey!
- Hey.

I was just about to come get you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, Mo!

That's so sweet. Oh.

What's wrong? You don't like it?

Um, no, I-I just...

I think you forgot to put
the gift in the gift bag, so...

No, the gift is the bag.

Ohh! Oh, my God.

It's so shiny, I thought
it was a shopping bag.

But this is... This is to put stuff in.

Yeah. Classic bag technology.

Oh. Awesome. Wow!

Well, careful, careful!

Put the caps on those pens, girl.

- That bag is expensive.
- Oh.

I love it.

I hope you like it.
It's limited edition,

so I had to go everywhere to find it.

Legos?

Botanical Legos. They're pretty.

You know, since you're allergic
to real flowers.

And this is for me, not my kids?

That was the intention, yes.

I say we get the kids involved,
we put that together...

That bag look good on you, girl.

Aww. Thank you. It's a Teflon.

MAURICE AND AMBER: Telfar.

Oh.

Uh, your gift is so cool.

You're gonna have so much fun with that.

Well, Happy Valentine's Day,
Janine... and Mo.

Yeah. Happy Valentine's Day
to you two, too... also.

I purchased two tickets to Atlantic City

on Spirit Airlines,

so Gerald and I are good to go
at Cibo's Bistro at the airport.

Sweet. Mm.

You're welcome to join us.

Nope. Mnh-mnh.

Oh, we don't mind.

Heck, the tickets
cost less than the meal.

[CHUCKLES] No, no, no.
You two deserve a nice night

to yourselves. Don't worry about me.

[CELLPHONE BUZZES] Okay.

Hey. Look who finally decided to text.

Are you kidding me?
It's about work of all things.

Gary wants me to take a picture
of the vending machine

to see if we're running low on Doritos.

Yeah...

I'm just making sure that... [GASPS]

Aww! Gary!

Welcome to the coo-de-grass.

Ohh! Well, it's "I..." I something you.

"I... I owe you"?

"I love you."

I love you, too, Barb, but... Oh.

Ohh! Is... Is this... You love me?

Yeah! I love the crap out of you.

I love you, too, you big gavone!

Don't ever scare me like that again!

I won't. I won't.