07x07 - It's All Gone

[bunniefuu]

[GASPS] What the...

- ANNE: Why are we...?
- JENNY: [GASPS] Huh?

- VAL: [GASPS]
- SLOANE: Oh, sh*t!

VAL: Nooo!

KATE: Okay, what happened?

I don't remember anything.

Me neither!

Why are we on the floor?

How long have we been here?

KATE: Who are we?

I'm f*cking around. I know who we are.

But I don't know anything else.

JENNY:
Why would you joke at a time like this?

KATE: Well, you know,
just trying to make light...

SLOANE: Shh! Who was that?

♪

ANNE: Alice?

What are you doing here?

I don't know.

Mom?

ANNE: Yes, honey?

What the f*ck happened last night?

♪

♪

I guess we just drank our faces off?

How hammered do you have to get

to not remember the entire night,
start to finish?

Wait, do you guys feel hungover?

- SLOANE: No.
- KATE: No.

Then how does that make any sense

if we were that shitfaced?

Maybe we were good
girls and pounded water

before blacking out.

ANNE: Wait, let me have a look at you.

Yeah. Yeah, you look okay.

Maybe we don't tell your dad about this.

Tell him what?

That you and your
friends got me so drunk

we can't even remember what happened?

Yeah, that.

VAL: I don't think this level
of confusion is just alcohol.

Something else is going on here.

What the hell are these?

That's cake, alright. Buttercream.

ANNE: That's it! Cake, yes.

We were... We were celebrating.

JENNY: Celebrating what?

Celebrating Alice.

♪

- ANNE: We're here!
- ALL: Surprise!

ALICE: [LAUGHS AWKWARDLY] What...
what is all this?

I-I thought...

You were just... picking something up.

Oh!

Welcome to your coming-of-age party.

We're here to celebrate you and
to commemorate your first time.

My first time what?

KATE: Ah, slappin' wrinklies!

Hittin' pinkies!

Bumpin' stinkies!

What?

Your first time having sex.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]

No, no, no, no! Wait, wait, just wait.

Just hear me out, okay?

I made a mistake.

A woman's first time is something

that should be honoured, not shamed.

Now, these women
are some of the smartest

and the strongest broads that I know,

and we are here to celebrate you

and to impart some wisdom as you
embark on the rest of your...

sexual journey.

Mom, this is...

so humiliating.

I-I actually want to die. No, thank you.

- ANNE: No, no no...
- VAL: Happy slut mitzvah!

No, we're not calling it that!

Do you think calling me a Jewish whore

makes up for what you did?

No one's calling you that.

"Mazel tov you dirty whore"?

Val, I did not tell you
to write that on the cake!

So I took some liberties!

Buttercream...

KATE: Okay...

Hey.

Look, I know this is weird.

No one wants to talk about sex
with their mom, or her friends,

but I promise, if you stick this out,

you will walk out of this lighter.

And so will your mom.

Okay? Look.

This is gonna be great, alright?

When I was your age,
no one threw me a party.

No one told me anything.

I thought you couldn't pee
when you wore a tampon.

I'd hold it for eight hours.

I didn't realize there was
a hole to put the tampon in.

I used to just slip it between
my lips like a hot dog.

- KATE: Val...
- ALICE: Ew.

- KATE: I'm sorry.
- It worked.

Alice... Sloane.

You don't know me.

I'm here because you deserve
a better introduction to sex

than what your f*cked-up mom
did to you and your boyfriend.

ANNE: Thanks.

JENNY: And, Alice,
your mom and I haven't always seen

eye-to-eye, but she made an
effort when I was going through

a very hard time,
so I am here to give back.

Guys, let's get this party started,
okay?

Val, where's that hooch
you demanded to supply?

I thought you'd never ask.

Look who's one of the big girls!

L'Chaim, sluts!

[CORK POPS]

♪

You know, I'm honestly glad
I can't remember more.

Can we please go home now?

Maybe we should just go home.

Sleep it off.

I'm sure our memories
will come flooding back

after a good night's sleep.

- Obviously we just drank too much.
- Yeah, you're right.

Let's call it, come on.

"Zero percent alcohol,
one hundred percent good times"?

♪

Is this all alcohol-free booze?

What the f*ck, Val?

Well, you all got so angry
when I didn't bring alcohol

to the haunted house,
but I couldn't risk

tainting my milk supply!

And Alice is underage,
if anyone cares about that!

And, you're welcome, Sloane,
my sister in lactation arms!

Sloane...?

Sloane?

SLOANE: What the hell is that?

What the hell is that?

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

It's obviously a d*ck throne.

But what on earth is it doing here?

Alright, no, f*ck this.

We definitely didn't black
out on alcohol-free booze,

and that thing, well,
that's just terrifying.

Uh-uh, we are not leaving here

until we know what the hell
happened to us last night.

SLOANE: %.

- VAL: Good idea.
- ALICE: Really?

Yes.

Ugh!

Alright, what do you remember?

Think, b*tches, think!

Okay, let's go!

Slut mitzvah!

- KATE: Slut mitzvah.
- ANNE: Mm-hm.

JENNY: d*ck throne!

d*ck throne!

SLOANE: Fake booze!

Uh...

Black out?

[MARKER SQUEAKING FURIOUSLY]

KATE: Great...

What else, what else? Come on! Come on!

Dammit! Gah...

What?

Whose is this?

Oh! I remember this!

It was a guy that stopped by!

- KATE: Guy?
- ANNE: What guy?

I think his name was Mom?

No, Ram!

What?

♪

KATE: Look who's one of the big girls!

VAL: Here you go.

ANNE: Okay, take it down a notch, Val.

Oh, relax, Anne. You need to loosen up.

RAM: Uh-oh.

I'm... interrupting something!

KATE: Oh!

SLOANE: Oh,
this party is gettin' started!

Take it off, take it off!

Val, please tell me you
didn't hire a stripper.

Gross. He's... old.

KATE: Okay, guys, stop.

This is Ram Javeri.
He's my client, not a stripper.

Ah, that you know of.

[CHUCKLES]

ANNE: Wow, this is Ram.

SLOANE: Let's, uh,
take a little looksy at you.

KATE: Alright, I am so sorry about them.

- You wanna talk in the boardroom?
- RAM: Okay.

- ALL: Woo!
- KATE: Will you f*cking stop?

You guys are so immature, you know that?

Stop it! Don't mind them.

They're just stupid and obnoxious.

They're all stupid.

[IN A WHISPER] Shut the f*ck up!

[ALL GIGGLING]

VAL: Mm...

♪

I-I only closed the blinds

because you guys were
acting like idiots!

Then what were you doing in
here with your saucy friend?

I can't remember!

How long were we in here?

Like ...

maybe minutes?

minutes!

Jesus Christ,
that's a long time for sex.

And you're sure I closed the blinds?

Because maybe we... I probably didn't.

I don't always close blinds.

You % immediately
closed all the blinds,

like, super fast.

f*ck!

Can we get back to this d*ck throne?

And why was it at what was
supposed to be a respectful

coming-of-age party for my daughter?

Val, I'm looking at you!

I don't rememberrrr...

♪

This chair is a ceremonial
display piece I found online

to celebrate Alice's
entry into a elite group:

Women who conquer.

Specifically, women who conquer d*ck.

By sitting on this throne,

you are saying that you are
in charge of your sexual self.

That's pretty good, actually.

- KATE: Love that.
- ANNE: Yeah.

Now, in the spirit of beginnings,

I thought we could each
take a turn on the throne

and tell our virginity stories.

I'll start.

I was and working
part-time as a party clown.

I was ...

I was young. Fifteen.

I didn't have sex until college.

My boyfriend and I both had headgear,

which we wore the first
time we tried to have sex.

Wanted to get it over with.

It was all business.

My first time was with Brad,
my ex-husband.

I mean, I rounded all the
other bases plenty, but...

- ALICE: La, la, la, la, la, la!
- KATE: Oh, come on.

I met a charming magician.

He convinced me that my
clitoris was inside my bum.

And I believed him.

ANNE:
He insisted we be absolutely silent.

"Not a peep," he would say.

We were terrified. He was so sweet.

I think I scared my little partner.

Poor Jimmy Iverson.

I lost my a**l virginity
to Sam the Spectacular.

Lesson learned.

Never trust someone who
tricks people for a living.

KATE: He actually threw up
right after he came.

Which I never knew if I
should take as a compliment.

SLOANE: I don't know how he
even stayed hard given how

emotionless and clinical it was...

Now that I think about it,

he did have to thumb it in... a lot.

Dong like a tiger, though,
I'll tell you what.

ANNE: I just thought that
if I waited long enough,

I would be sure to have the
perfect first time, but...

I don't think that exists.

Honestly, my first time

was pretty freakin', flippin' perfect.

- [ALL MUTTER]
- VAL: Mmm!

Mmm... mmm!

You guys ever eat cake
with just your face?

You alright, Val? Are you feeling okay?

SLOANE: No...?

[VENGABOYS, "WE LIKE TO PARTY" PLAYING]

Quite f*cked up,
now that you mention it.

♪ We like, we like to party! ♪

♪ We like to party! ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ I've got something to tell ya. ♪

♪ I've got news for you. ♪

♪ Gonna put some wheels in motion. ♪

♪ Get ready
'cause we're comin' through. ♪

♪ Hey now, hey now!
Hear what I say now! ♪

♪ Happiness is just around the corner! ♪

♪ Hey now, hey now!
Hear what I say now! ♪

♪ We'll be there for you! ♪

♪ The venga bus is coming,
and everybody's jumping! ♪

♪ New York to San Francisco,
an intercity disco! ♪

♪ The wheels of steel are turning ♪

♪ and traffic lights are burning ♪

♪ so if you like to party ♪

♪ get on and move your body! ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪ The venga bus is coming! ♪

Well,
it certainly seems like we had fun!

Val...

We still have no idea
why we blacked out!

Hey, so, when I was here in
the boardroom with Ram, um...

did you...

did you hear any sex sounds?

When I walked out, did I seem dry-ish?

Was my hair normal? Did I look pleased?

Dude, I don't know.

I mean, is it still cheating
if I don't remember?

Yeah, pretty sure.

It's not a "tree falls
in the forest" situation.

Well, f*ck.

Meat boy?

Forrest?

Mm? Oh...

KATE: What the hell are you doing here?

FORREST: Model adjustments.

Just head needed some
side-to-side improvements

just to bring it over the top, you know?

How did you get in here?

Father gave me a key.
I've been coming in every weekend,

using his work bench.

It's called a desk, Forrest.

Well, wait,
do you know what happened last night?

FORREST: Sorta.

It's all a little fuzzy...

You see, I was in the zone,
when I heard through my headphones

the unmistakable sound
of older women having...

fun.

ALL: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Whoa...

Meat boy!

Forrest?

Is that breast milk?

There's more where that came from,
meat boy.

- Can I play with you guys?
- ANNE & KATE: No.

- VAL: Yes, you can.
- Holy... sh*t.

KATE: Where did you get this get-up?

Her. She made me wear it.

[GASPS] I can't imagine
what we were doing

that would necessitate that!

Nes...

Nesse... Necessiss...

- KATE: Necessitate.
- FORREST: Necessi...

KATE: Just stop talking.

♪

Which has more nerve endings,
the penis or the clitoris?

Um... the clitoris?

ALL: Yeah!

- FORREST: Correct!
- KATE: I'm so proud of you!

- FORREST: You may advance.
- KATE: I'm so proud of you!

Val, I am impressed!

I can't believe you put this together!

- VAL: Oh, it was nothing.
- FORREST: Silence!

Alice, now, where on this
diagram is the prostate located?

Um...

ANNE: I mean, God, does it even matter?

Of course it matters, Anne!

No, I know this one!

I stick fingers up people's buttholes!

No helping!

Alice! Now!

Um, I...

- KATE: His balls!
- ALL: Noooo!

I'm sorry, but the answer's incorrect.

And you know your punishment.

[SOUND OF HAIR CLIPPERS]

Wait, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no, no!

I don't make the rules, Alice.

You literally made these rules!

Mom!

I mean, they're the rules!
You know the rules!

It'll be over soon!

- Oh my God!
- [CLIPPERS BUZZING]

ALICE: Oh my God!

What the hell, Mom!
What were you thinking?

Well, I don't know, Alice!

That's the whole problem, isn't it?

- ALICE: Aah!
- FORREST: Excuse me...?

Mothers, daughters, I have to bounce.

I ran out of shrooms,

and I need more before I
lose my creative juices.

Did you just say "shrooms"?

He shroomed us!

What? No, you little freak.
I would never.

Prove it!

I strictly limit myself
to three grams a week.

Otherwise I would get stupid.

And we wouldn't want that, would we?

How much is three grams?

VAL: Oh, Anne, don't embarrass yourself.

Look,
sh*t was already litty like a titty

- before I found you all.
- KATE: No.

No way, it had to be you.
You drugged us.

Otherwise, we still don't
know what the f*ck happened

to us last night!

That's a bummer, for sure.

Let me know when you figure it out.

Hey! Hey!

KATE: [IN A WHISPER] Piece of sh*t.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hey... that's my phone!

Where is it?

ALICE: Gimme that!

Why do you have my phone?

Uh...

Oh, yeah.

This slut mitzvah is
turning into a real bust.

Honestly, this is not what she needs.

What that girl deserves is a
re-do with her little boyfriend.

SLOANE: Yes! You're right.

Your mom ruins your first time,

you get right back up on
that teenage-penis horse.

JENNY: I'm gonna steal
her phone before it locks!

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

I like you!

Seamus, Seamus...

There you are.

- Hey, sexy man...
- [TYPING SOUNDS]

Yes! Yes!

Re-do, re-do, re-do!

[BOTH CHANTING] Re-do,
re-do, re-do, re-do!

Re-do, re-do, re-do, re-do!

The last thing those
two need is a re-do!

What the hell were you guys thinking?

You know what? I officially don't care

what happened last night.

- I'm leaving.
- ANNE: Wait, no, no, no, no!

Alice, Alice, Alice, stop. Stop, please.

I f*cked up.

Tonight was supposed to be
about making it up to you.

Sharing pearls of wisdom, you know?

Like, um...

Like... like how it doesn't matter

who you lose your virginity to.

Whether you marry them,
or you never see them again,

you can't control that.

But what you can control is yourself.

And what you need to know,
what is the most important thing

that you know, is to prioritize
you and your own pleasure.

Well, you clearly prioritize
your own pleasure.

Okay, what the hell does that mean?

Seamus told me all about your
flirty little field trips.

I mean, asking him about his sex life?

Calling that therapy?

What is your problem?

- VAL: I'm sorry?
- SLOANE: You did what now?

You told us that you walked
in on them having sex.

Anne, isn't that what you said?

Oh, that's what she told you all?

Cool story.

I didn't know! I-I didn't know!

[STAMMERING]

For most of the time.

By the way,
why didn't he recognize that we both

have the same last name, huh?

Well, he said Carlson's actually
a really common last name.

[IN A WHISPER] Common last name, my ass.

ALICE: And don't blame him.

Fine, you're right, okay?
I crossed a line.

I crossed many lines,
and I'm horrified with myself!

But that doesn't matter.

What matters is that I am
genuinely and incredibly sorry

for ruining your first time.

Well, you didn't.

Wait, you didn't...

You're still a virgin?

No.

It wasn't my first time.

Not even close.

Oh, boy.

SEAMUS: Hello?

Uh...

Hey.

Hey, Alice.

ALICE: What... What are you doing here?

You sent me a text saying

"your one way ticket to smash town"

with a pin to this address?

ALICE: No, I... [SIGHS]

Actually, you know what?

That's... that's perfect.

Not bad.

Oh!

Thanks for this... special evening.

Let's go.

VAL: Anne...? Are you okay?

No.

I think I gotta go.

You think she's already
slept with more people

than you have your whole life?

- KATE: Oh my God, Jenny.
- SLOANE: Jenny!

- ANNE: I gotta go, I gotta go.
- KATE: Yeah, of course.

SLOANE: Kate, Kate, don't. Let her go.

Let her go scream in her car all alone.

KATE: [SIGHS] You're right, I'm sure.

f*ck. Now what do we do?

JENNY: Uh, well,
I think I'm gonna go home.

VAL: Moi aussi.

Oh, by all means.

Thanks for helping clean up.

I can't believe we didn't figure it out.

All six of us blacking out over nothing.

I know.

Anyway, go home.

I'll help you clean this up later.

No, it's alright, I got it. You go.

I got it.

Oh...

KATE: You guys are so immature,
you know that?

Stop it! Don't mind them.

They're just stupid and obnoxious.

They're all stupid.

[IN A WHISPER] Shut the f*ck up!

[ALL GIGGLING]

I'm sorry to crash the weird party

that you're throwing out of
your office over the weekend.

May I ask what brings you
to my office on the weekend?

I was gonna just leave this at the front

for you to find Monday morning,
but this is way better.

Oh, sh*t! Is this what I think it is?

RAM: Horamo.

With your slogan right
there on the label.

KATE: Oh!

Look at that!

RAM: Yeah, it was worth the trip

just to see that sh*t-eating grin.

[CHUCKLES]

Alright, well, uh...

Don't let me keep you from your party.

Uh, thanks for stopping by.

Yeah.

Now, uh, walk me out, please?

I don't want to walk
by your friends alone.

KATE: Oh, yeah. [LAUGHS]

[SIGHS WITH RELIEF]

[CHUCKLES]

I knew I wasn't a bad person.

- ANNE: [CLEARS THROAT]
- RAM: Goodnight, ladies.

- Have fun!
- ALL: Goodnight!

He is a lot cuter than you let on.

Okay, is he? He's fine.

Can we just cheers to Alice, please?

Thanks.

[GLASSES CLINK]

Mmm, that is delicious.

Yeah, I'm just gonna say it, Val.

This champagne is cheap as sh*t.

So friggin' sweet!

Yeah, we're gonna get
k*ller hangovers for this.

Take it easy, Alice.

Anybody have an Advil?
I don't f*ck with champagne

- unless I take one of those.
- I don't have that, but...

this could do the trick.

Is that your migraine pill?

Uh-huh.

SLOANE:
Any side effects we should know about?

Well, there is one.

You could drink your tits
off and not get a headache.

SLOANE: Yeah!

Kate, you are a genius!

Bottoms up!

♪

♪

Oh, f*ck...

♪ Here lies a series of
questionable decisions... ♪