03x90 - A Very Problematic Valentine's Day Special

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Harley Quinn". Aired: November 29, 2019 to present.
Series follows Harley as she sets off to Gotham City to make it on her own.
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03x90 - A Very Problematic Valentine's Day Special

Post by bunniefuu »

- We both moved to Metropolis at the same time.
- On the same block.

- And for three years, we both worked on the th floor...
- th floor.

- ... at the Daily Planet where...
- I was a b*at reporter covering City Hall.

Yes, you were.

- And I was on the sports desk covering baseball.
- Football.

- Right, right, right.
- For three years, we never met.

Three whole years.

Then one day, I was on the
F train to get a blowout,

and Metallo derailed my
train. Sent it airborne.

So I, uh... [LAUGHS] So I
caught that train and set it down

on top of the LexCorp
building just to talk to her.

Yes, you did.

I had to reschedule my hair appointment.

[HARLEY] Holy shit. Do
I love Valentine's Day?

Not only is it the gushiest, mushiest,
most romantic day of the year,

but for hours, you
have a bulletproof excuse

for doing super cheesy
shit for your partner.

You can eat as much chocolate
as you want, no judgment.

And it's super f*cking cold in February,

so it's the perfect excuse to snuggle.

to love about Valentine's Day?

Oh, I don't know. It's just one of
the most egregiously wasteful holidays

in terms of nonbiodegradable packaging.

Not to mention, an annual
mass genocide for roses.

- I could go on.
- Oh, come on, Ive.

This is our very first
Valentine's Day together.

Look, turn off the jazz
documentary and let's go out.

Sweetie, I'm only on episode .

Fats Waller hasn't even gotten fat yet.

I promise, if you let me have this one,

I will never bring it up again.

You will absolutely
bring it up every year.

Yeah, but with less gusto.

Fine, fine. Honey, fine, fine.

I'm saying, "fine." Look
at me. I'm saying fine.

Just as long as it's, you know, low-key.

Fine. We'll have a quiet dinner
for two at Mama Macaroni's,

where the breadstick basket, much
like my love for you, is bottomless.

Uh, you got me there.

[SIGHS] All right, fine.
Let me, let me change out

of my bingeing sweats
and we'll get out of here.


It is the feast of St. Valentine,

and I, [IN SING-SONG VOICE] Clayface,

have met a special someone online.

Dude, that's literally Jason Momoa.

You're getting catfished.

Jerry from Hoboken, New
Jersey begs to differ.

Awesome. So look, if he
does end up m*rder you,

I'm not gonna identify
your corpse unless

I'm, like, in the area
and it's really convenient.

Who is pumped for the best VD ever?

- I mean, ugh, look, you know what I meant.
- Mm-hmm.

Honey, I am so pumped
because it's gonna be great.

It's not gonna be great.

It's gonna be the best
Valentine's Day ever!

Right, because it's so low-key.



So, Clock King tells me you're going

to a painting and wine-drinking
event tonight for Valentine's Day.

Mmm, that sounds colorful and fun.

Ugh. Yeah, well, Clocky likes it
and it basically guarantees sex,

so I'll suffer through it.

I wish I had a special someone

- with whom to spend the evening.

Oh, here we go.

I'm on all the dating apps,
but haven't swiped right once.

I can't get past the profiles.

Does no one understand correct
grammar, dangling modifiers,

sentence fragments, using the
word "anyways" as a transition...

It's "anyway"!

There's no "S"!

And as you know,
nothing turns me off more

than reckless disregard for language.

Does anyone know that?

You do now.

"Anyway," it appears I'll be
spending my Valentine's alone

in darkness and solitude,
where I was born.

Unless that painting and wining
event has, uh, any openings...



[POISON IVY] ♪ Mama Macaroni ♪
♪ Get in my mouth ♪


I have got to hand it to you, Harls.

You've managed to keep V-Day low-key.

I appreciate that.

Aw, I'm really best
at listening, ain't I?

In regards to tonight?


Ah, signoras, it is your lucky night.

You have been selected
to sample a new item

from the chef's experimental menu.

- This is a vegan La-zeat-balls.
- Ooh, yeah!

They are a lasagna inside a baked
ziti inside a fried meatball.

Also known as the Tuscan turducken.

What... Oh, f*ck my
taste buds. The f*ck?

Ive, what are the odds that
your three favorite dishes

ate each other and now,
you get to eat that?

Harley, you're gonna have to get
in on this before I inhale it,

'cause it's just like... It's
like Under the Tuscan Sun

is, like, playing
inside my mouth right now

and we're, like, in the third act
where, like, Diane Lane, just, like,

met the American writer and, like,

they leave it open-ended but you know

everything's going to work
out which is so artful and...

Mmm. g*dd*mn da ding-dong,
these are f*cking good.



All right. Sorry to crash
Valentine's Day, lovebirds.

But if the chef don't hand over
his recipe for those La-zeat-balls,

we'll blow the whole ristorante
back to the old country.

[STAMMERING] Please, just take the
recipe, and don't hurt nobody, huh?

In the name of the father,
the son, and the Mama Macaroni.

Pleasure doing business with ya.

Come on, boys. Andiamo-ce.

- [POISON IVY] Go, go, go.

Okay. We have to do something.

That recipe cannot fall
into the wrong hands.

It's just too damn delicious.

Getaway car is headed
toward Robinson Park.

Ha-ha! Wrong move, you dipshits.

You just picked the most
densely-planted park in all of Gotham.

- Hyah!





[THUG] Ahhh!

Please, ladies. Don't k*ll us.

Fork it over. Fork over the
La-zeat-balls recipe, you f*ck.

We were just the middle men.

[STAMMERS] We was hired
by the CEO of Luxor Oil.

Yeah, his appetite for
unsustainable fossil fuel

and new takes on traditional
Italian cooking are both insatiable.


Turn over the recipe for
the La-zeat-balls, Ivy,

or else the love of your life dies.

And on Valentine's Day, no less.



That's right. I just gave you the bird.

As in whirlybird, which is
another name for helicop...

You know what? Just never mind.

It doesn't matter. I'm...
I'm alive, and you're d*ad.

Oh, my God, Ive. It's over.

You saved me. You saved us all.

Wait, Harley. Did... did
you stage all of this for me?

- Yeah.
- I thought it was the only way

you'd let me give you the
best Valentine's Day ever.

What about the oil exec?

That was actually the CEO of Luxor Oil.

I had him shipped in, special for you,

and told him I'd k*ll him unless
he pointed a g*n at me. [CHUCKLES]

I know it wasn't exactly
low-key like you asked for.

- But, you know, it was, uh...
- I love you so much, peanut.

That's your cue, Etrigan.

Hellfire from below,
glow from death and decay,

light up the sky for
St. Valentine's Day.



So, would you say this is
the best Valentine's Day ever?

It's so, so great.


Yeah, great. Sure.

A while back, around BC,
when I went by Prince Khufu,

I was in the market having beers

with a buddy of mine named Asim,
and this gorgeous Princess Chay-Ara

makes a grand entrance
with this whole entourage.

[GIGGLES] It's me.

And I say to Asim,

"You see that woman?

- I'm going to marry her."

Now, this was ancient Egypt, so
she didn't have much of a choice.

- Yeah, no choice, no choice.
- Two weeks later, we were married,

- and it lasted about years.
- Lovely years.

- And then we were m*rder by Hittites.
- m*rder horribly.

- But we were reincarnated and found each other again.
- We did.

- We married. We died.
- Yeah.

- We got reincarnated.
- Yup.

- Time and again...
- Again.

... we always managed
to find each other.

And here we are, ,
years later, still together.




- [MAN] Yeah?
- Jerry, it is I, Clayface.

So eager to meet you in the
flesh, yet, uh, mystified

that the address seems
to be in Crime Alley.

Yeah, that's right.

It's a... It's a new vegan coffee shop.

It just opened in the very darkest part.

[LAUGHING] Mystery solved through
the miracle of gentrification.





There it is. Is that it? No,
that's not it. Wait a minute.

Vegan coffee shop, vegan coffee shop.

Wait a minute.

All coffee is vegan.

I've been had.

that was a piece of piss.

Jerry from Hoboken?

Aw, you brought me a
flower. You bloody drongo.

Oh, dear.

I don't believe I
understood a word you said.



Are you bloody serious, mate?

You don't have any cash.

Just two nosebleed seat tickets

to some shitty show
at Gotham Amphitheater.

I was going to surprise you.

Well, now I'm defo gonna k*ll ya.


Ah! Too-roo.

[GROANS SOFTLY] I'm so glad
you talked me into that.

That... What a great night.

Yeah. No. I'm glad you
thought it was great.

Which is a word reserved for things
that are the very best they can be.

Like how a Greatest Hits album
is full of a band's best songs

or how the Great Depression
was the best depression. So...


Wait, what the f*ck
are you talking about?

I just wanted to throw you
the best V-Day you ever had.

Oh, my God! Would you
look at me, you psycho?

It was the greatest Valentine's
Day that I have ever had.

Ugh, now I'm going to go take a shower

because I'm covered in
brimstone soot from hell

thanks to Etrigan's gorgeous fireworks.


Yeah, yeah, cool. Okay, cool.

Sure. Mm-hmm.

[GIGGLES] Happy Valentine's Day.

- Oh, nice night for you.

Stupid Valentine's Day.

- [WOMAN] Hey!
- Huh?

- Ooh.
- You get lost?

Yeah, my GPS took me a block away, too.


Come on, we're... we're late.

[HESITATING] Okay, why not?

- Uh, name's Betty, by the way.
- I am Bane.

I like it. Mine's a stage name too.

[WHISPERS] Real name's Elizabeth.

So look, this client
is pretty demanding.

He knows if you're holding back on him.

So, let's get hypothetical here.

If you're spanking me or
humiliating me or torching my anus,

am I gonna feel it in the morning?

It would be extremely painful for you.

You're gonna do great. [SLAPS]

Um, what exactly is going on here?

Hey, Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, hey. Thank you.

Oh, Steve.


Ugh, what now?

Wonder Woman, Themyscira
needs your help.

- What's happened?
- The island is under att*ck.

- By who?
- Uh, by... by some dudes.

What? There's no men
allowed on Themyscira.

Yeah, exactly. That's
why we're all so pissed.

They all just, like,
landed on the island.

And one of them was like, "I'm
gonna teabag the f*cking...

sacred artifact thing you guys love."

- The Oculus of the Argo?
- Yes. Exactly. That.

[GASPS] It's sacred.

This is what I'm saying.
We gotta get going.

Wait! Why didn't you light
a signal f*re to alert me?

We did. But one of those
assholes peed out the f*re.

We were all like, "Dude, what the f*ck?

So disrespectful."


Wait. This seems odd to me.

Hey, if you don't believe me,
hear it straight from the Queen.

Help me, Diana. You're our only hope.

Great Hera! I'm coming.

Thank you, Cameo. Best
bucks I've ever spent.

And may your quinceanera
be suited for the gods.

So, I'm sitting in my
dermatologist's office.

I had a mole that looked a little weird.

He's a total hypochondriac.

A melanoma is no joke.

So, anyway, I'm there,

and this one walks in. And
immediately, I'm like, "Wow... "

I looked awful.

I had literally just been to hell
and back. I was summoning a succubus.

But to me, she looked beautiful.

So anyway, I say, "Hey, any
spawns of Satan come through here?"

And I go, "Well, you're probably
looking for the law firm next door."

Uh, which, you know, cheesy joke.

It was cute.

Sometimes I'm cute. [PURRS]

Oh, I am slain.

- [SCREAMS] Help me!

♪ Ah, I am slain ♪

Ah! I am slain. I need help.

No, I am slain and need help.

Oh, my lesser half.

Come, let Daddy reabsorb you.

"Lesser half"? What?

What makes you think
I cannot reabsorb you?

Because your face is
where my ass should be.

I mean, I'm clearly the dominant half.

Oh, what does it matter?

We are as broken as that rose.

Let us just clasp hands and reabsorb
each other, and then we will be...

[WAILS] Alone!

My God, you're right. Alone.

Forever an outcast.

No one to love.

Or be loved by.

- [BOTH WAIL] A monster!

♪ What'sa matter you? ♪

♪ Gotta no respect ♪

♪ Whadda you think you do ♪

♪ Why you look-a so sad? ♪

♪ It's-a not so bad ♪

♪ It's-a nice-a place ♪

♪ Ah, shaddap-a you face ♪


Oh, that's wonderful.

How delightful that you remember
the song from our childhood!

The one the...

[TOGETHER] ... handsy
pizza guy used to sing.

- Oh.

I have never met anyone that I
connected to so quickly and completely.

Might I ask,

how do you identify?

You know, sexually.

I identify as fluid.

As do I.



Harley, what the f*ck are you doing?

Stop, wait...

Wait, is this the real Lasso of Truth?

Oh, wait a second. Is this the
one that you got from Halloween

when you tried to go as Wonder
Wolf-man and no one got it?

I was a wolf wearing
a Wonder Woman suit.

It made perfect f*cking sense.

But no, this is the real Lasso
of Truth. I just stole it.

May I ask why you did
this very stupid thing?


was this the best Valentine's
Day that you have ever had?

Y... No, it was top three.

- Bah! f*ck.
- I f*cking knew it.

Top three, very good.

Let me out of this thing.

Hey, Harley, who cares?

It was a great Valentine's Day. Great.

saying things are great.


With the Joker, every single year,

I made sure that Valentine's Day
was better than the one before it.

And although my credit
score is now absolute shit

and I am banned for life

from most of Gotham
City's craft supply stores,

[SCREAMS] I did it!

Well, guess what? I'm not the Joker.

I don't give a shit.

I had a splendid, splendid...
That's an okay word, right?

... Valentine's Day
and now, I would love

to end it by bingeing

one of the many fine
scripted or non-scripted shows

that HBO Max has to
offer, then have some sex,

and go to bed.

Like, perfect ending to
a perfect Valentine's Day.


Well, not perfect, right?


Okay, okay. Why don't you figure out

something to watch while I hit the head?

Just FYI, it's gonna take a
bit, okay? I ate something weird.

I might have that thing
where my legs fall asleep

and you know the rest.


[BANE] So, Betty, uh, how did you
get into this, uh, line of work?

Well, I used to be an accountant

and just sitting all day
in those shitty chairs

with no lumbar support...

Oh, my God. The lumbar, always ignored.

Tell me about it.

They never want to
spring for a good chair.

But you know what happens when
you're not comfortable at work?

Yeah, productivity goes down.

Exactly. Penny-wise, pound-foolish.

[LAUGHS] I feel like I know you.

I was thinking the same.

[STAMMERS] And I hope
this isn't too forward,

but how would you like to
come to my place after this?

[STAMMERING] But this... Can I?

Yes, I would like that very much.

Hey, uh, is ignoring me
part of the experience?

Because, if so, it's more
annoying than humiliating.

[SHRIEKING] Shut up! What
are you gonna do about it,

you baby-dicked piece of
shit? With your tiny penis?

Thank you.

Oh, where'd it go?

I need my electron microscope
if I'm gonna find that nub.

Hey, get in on this, huh?

I mean, I'm looking
at it and, and, uh...

How can you see it? I can't.

It's so small.

Well, I, I mean, I don't know
if small is the word I would use

or, or, or tight, I don't...

No, she's right.

It looks like one of those
pissing fountain cherubs.

- Go on. Have another look.

Damn, it was a genuine pleasure
watching you work, Bane.

Uh, thanks, I guess.

So, we still have a few
hours of Valentine's Day left,

and my offer still stands.

My place or yours?

Hmm... Let's do yours.
My place is a pit.

Well, my place is covered in cat hair.

So, let's toss a coin?


I'll call a car.

Hey, uh, did you mean
what you said to that guy

about the size of his penis?

I'm sure he's not packing the kind
of heat you're packing, big guy.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] For sure. Absolutely.

I am surely packing much
more heat than this man who

most people would agree

has a very decently-sized penis.

I can't wait to see for myself.

You and me both.

Hey, why don't you go ahead
and text me your address?

I just need to make a
quick stop first to, um,

grab a hoagie and carbo-load
for our lovemaking.

Mmm, don't be long.

You'll see how long I am.

[GIGGLES] Oh, my.

Uh, okay.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

[IN MENACING VOICE] If you've come
here to feed your foolish vice,

[IN NORMAL VOICE] it's Valentine's
Day. It's all half price.

I got a specific request for ya, E-man.

How do I put this? I'm kind
of, sort of, looking for...

- A sex spell.
- How'd you know?

Just the bulk of our
business all year round.

Helping those who wish to... [CHUCKLING]

bone down.

Okay. I want to give Ive the best
Valentine's Day she's ever had.

Which naturally means the
biggest orgasm she's ever had.

Like, you know, some crazy shit

where our neighbors think someone
died and they call the cops.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, do I know.

I may have just the spell.

And I'll throw in some cleaner
to, you know, take away the smell.

It's like % creepier that you make
it rhyme, but, you know, whatever.

[IN MENACING VOICE] Read this out loud

and you shall summon a power
that will have you both...

Okay, okay. I get it. I get it.

"Double, double, toil and trouble.

Beyonce's thighs and Clooney's stubble.

Ass of Meloni and eye of Zendaya,
tossed into a hellish f*re.


So what, now I'm like a sex machine?

The next person you
bed shall feel divine.

Tax included, that'll be, uh, $..

Oh, and I think it's
pronounced Zen-day-a.



[POISON IVY] Hey, Harls?


You okay in there, babe?

Is this, uh, is this
La-zeat-balls related or...

Sorry, babe. Took a little time

to get the trains
running. But run, they did.

Totally thought about what you said

about how this
Valentine's Day was great,

and I should not obsess,

and I think you're right.

Listen, I don't need to go
overboard and try to woo you.

We just hang out here

and be with each other,
and it will be great.

I'm, like, so turned on right now.

Oh, you don't wanna watch a show first?

I cannot believe I'm saying this, but...

- No.




- [POISON IVY] Oh, wow!
- [HARLEY] Oh, my f*cking God.

Wow, wow, wow.


♪ It's the right thing for me ♪

[SCREAMS] Yeow! Yeah! [LAUGHS]


- That was...

Yeah, I've um...

[CHUCKLES] Shit, I don't [INHALES]

know if I've ever had
anything quite like that.


Are you saying that was
the best you've ever had?

Not that that matters at all.

We're not saying what's
the best and not the best.

But if we were ranking things,
which we're not, would you say that?

Yeah, I... I... I think so.

But if you take that Lasso
of Truth and put it around me,

I swear to God, I will
strangle you with it. So...

- [HARLEY] f*ck yeah!
- [POISON IVY] ... fair warning.

[MAN SCREAMING] I'm so f*cking horny!

What the hell?

[WOMAN] Yes!


They're doing it right there
in the street, like animals.

What the f*ck is happening?

Well, I grew up in the
underwater kingdom of Xebel,

and was raised as an assassin.

Eventually, I was sent
to the surface world

to hunt down the future
monarch of Atlantis.

And I was that future monarch.

Well, clearly, I failed on my mission.

What can I say? I can be
pretty charming. [LAUGHS]

She does have a solid left hook, though.

We got married within a
year, which turned out to be

the only thing in centuries that
could unite our respective kingdoms.

It just goes to show you

that two parties from two
totally different walks,

swims of life, can be stronger together.

There's no hope for
surface dwellers, though.

They're whale excrement.

She's kidding.

- She's...
- I'm not kidding.

Ugh, fine. I'm kidding.

[SOFTLY] I'm not kidding.

[GIGGLES] Oh, how my clay

aches for you, my [VOCALIZES] love.

As does mine for you, my dear.

Our hearts literally
b*at as one and yet...

We are forever unable to
touch lest I reabsorb you,

forever wiping that beautiful
face from [VOCALIZES] existence.

We are the doomed product of a
liaison between twin mistresses,

Fate and Irony.

But I suppose we can still
love each other and never touch.

It is the way of the American marriage.


We are adults, we can
control our own libido.


- Oh, no!

We mustn't mix media.



sorry, sir. You're too late.

Close at :.

- You have to help me.

It's an emergency, okay?

Men are from Mars. Women,
Venus. Let me guess.

You want to have a bigger penis, right?

I... Well...

Yeah, I... I mean, my penis
is actually a good size.

It's just that my body is
actually also incredibly large.

It's like if you took
Kawhi Leonard's hands

and you put them on
Andre the Giant's body.

Everybody knows Kawhi has...

its size, this will enlarge.

- Now, how will you be paying, cash or charge?
- Hmm.

Oh, my God. Take my money.

So I just recite the incantation

while applying the potion
to the problem area.


"Do not take if you have kidney
problems or are pregnant."

Yada, yada, yada. Okay, here you go.

"Take pity on my shrunken junk and
turn this twig to redwood trunk."

Okay. Yes. I definitely feel something.

[GROANS] Is it supposed
to burn like this?

Ooh, ow! Ugh, ow! Ow!

God damn it!


Well, that is a f*ck to the face.


Bane, you impetuous fool.

You're so stupid.

And also...

so uncontrollably horny.





Okay, well, don't get mad.

But I may have used a
magic spell to give you

the best sex you've ever
had in your entire life.

Harley. [GROANS]

Oh, you can't possibly be mad at
me for getting you off too good.

That is not a thing.

I... I... Well, I think I can
when this... this is happening.

Look, if the end result of this is
just that everyone is super horny

and they all go and have amazing
consensual sex on Valentine's Day,

then I really don't see the problem.

- [SIGHS] Oh.
- [MAN] ... my head all the way down to my toes.

Shit, man. You got a point.


- [WOMAN] Ahhh!
- [MAN] Oh, my God. No, run!

My libido knows no bounds.


- [MAN] Run!

I, uh, uh... Somebody else did that.

Okay, yeah. That's obviously an
unforeseen problem we must address.


[DARKSEID] I was delivering the keynote

at the Republican National Convention

when I saw her cold, d*ad
eyes from across the room.

I demanded she sit at my side,

as queen of Apokolips, or
else I would destroy her.

She asked to see my last
three bank statements.

I enjoy our chit-chats the most.

We never run out of
subjects to talk about it.

Darkseid is... is...

in love.

Did my heart love till
now? Forswear it, sight.

For I ne'er saw true beauty till this...

♪ Night ♪

It is agony to be so close
and yet so far, my inamorato.


I'm getting nothing.


- Ahhh!

The only thing worse
than not being with you...

... is being with you but
unable to be inside you.

It would seem our love
is, indeed, star-crossed.

Goodbye, my love.


I shall take some comfort in knowing

that somewhere out there,
my soulmate wanders.

Here, before you go, please accept
these tickets I bought for us

for Mr. Brett Goldstein's one-man
show. at Gotham Amphitheater.

Alas, I cannot.

I have a hole in my heart that not even
Ted Lasso's Roy Kent can fill.


Non-refundable? Mr.
Goldstein, I am on my way.

[BANE] Was that good for you, baby?


My loins will never be sated!

He's a giant f*cking kaiju.

I honestly don't know why he's that big,

but he must have, like, inhaled

a metric ton of my
pheromones or something?

I mean, that's the
only explanation for why

he just came inside the fourth
floor of the stock exchange.

- You know what I'm saying?
- So can't you just, like,

kiss him to transfer
some unhorny pheromones?

Um, I mean, in theory, yes.

But how am I gonna get
all the way up there

to get his mask off and do that?

You don't have to. We're
gonna bring him down to us.

Get ready, Ive. I'm
gonna draw him to you.

Ow! God damn it.


[POISON IVY] Hurry, get his mask off.

[CHUCKLES] I can't believe that worked.

Of course it worked. I'm always
thinking ten steps ahead, baby.

Hello, Gotham City. What say you
spend your Valentine's Day with me,

Emmy-winning actor, writer, and
British bad boy, Brett Goldstein.

I'll be reading selected
works of Lord Byron,

the Brett Goldstein of the th century.

That voice!

A lower-middle-class South
London accent that says

he's not afraid of hard labor
in the workplace or in bed.

[SCREAMS] I must have him!


Mama Macaroni!


Bane, what are you doing?


I can't control my libido.

[GRUNTING] I'm almost not doing this.

Have mercy!




Brett Goldstein, you deserve
someone who makes you feel

like you've been f*cked by lightning.


Maybe they can rebuild it?

All I wanted for Valentine's
Day was to hang out

in our f*cking apartment and
f*cking watch TV and have sex.

But no, it wasn't enough for you.

And now you've ruined my favorite
restaurant in all of Gotham City.

I, I think they opened a
second location in Bludhaven.

You know, you say you wanted
to do something special for me,

but you don't listen when I try
to tell you what I actually want.

What about what I want?

You wanted to go out.

I said yes, even though I didn't
want to, because I listened.

I listened to what you wanted.

And I said, "Okay."

I didn't mean for this to happen,

and because I am not yet ready

to accept blame for
ruining Valentine's Day,

I am going to focus on
beating the shit out of Bane.


I mean, at least she's self-aware.

Coming, Harley.


Oh, my God!

[BANE] I will make BAFTA-winning
love to you, Brett Goldstein!

How are we gonna move all
those people out of there?

I mean, they paid bucks to
see a guy polish his stupid Emmy.

Do they really need to live?




[POISON IVY] Hey, girl, I
think we have only one option.

We have to turn off Bane.

Okay. Bane has to have
listed some turnoffs

on his dating profile.

Favorite TV shows: the later
seasons of The Office?

What the f*ck? What a psycho.

If he liked the Dexter series
finale, I'm, like, through with him.

Don't worry. There's a
few other things on here

that might work to give him a hard-off.

[CLAYFACE] Your attention, please.

If someone is in need of an extra
ticket for tonight's performance,

oh, cruel fate has absconded
with my beloved plus-one.


But his joy can be yours
for the low price of $.

Do you think someone laced our weed?

[CLAYFACE ] But soft, what light
through yonder window breaks?

It is the east and Clayface, the sun.

And there is my moon.

I dare dream your voice
would be accompanied

by your gorgeous countenance.

You and I are so exactly the same.

I bet we could finish each other...


Yes, well, I was going to say sentences,

but this must be fate,
demanding we be together.

This is so f*cking weird.

"So, we'll go no more a
roving So late into the night,

Though the heart be still as loving,

And the moon be still as bright.

For the sword outwears its sheath,"


"And the heart must pause to breathe,

And love itself have rest.

Though the night was made for loving,

And the day returns too soon,

Yet we'll go no more a roving
By the light of the moon."

So what if we can never touch?

Just knowing we are
not alone in this world,

that I ache for you the
same way that you ache...



You will be bent into positions

you did not know
possible, Brett Goldstein.


Everyone, calmly head
for the nearest exit.

Do not gawk at the large testicles
swinging like wrecking balls.



We may have his turnoffs, honey,

but how the hell are we
gonna get him to hear them?

We're not. But he is.

Hey, quick question.

Can you grow to a giant-sized
version of Brett Goldstein,

then start shouting some
of Bane's turnoffs at him

so he stops trying to f*ck you?

First of all,

not a quick question.

There are a lot of
problematic things in there.

And secondly, no, I
cannot accommodate you

whilst my heart is broken.

- Clayface, let me ask you something.

This is serious, okay?

If Ian Somerhalder could continue
filming Season of Vampire Diaries

after his breakup with Nina Dobrev,

you can do this.

You can do it.

It's true.

That was some of his finest work.

I suppose it is the
challenge of a lifetime.

And I would Stanis-love-sky to do it!

Where did the hell
did you pull that from?

My aunt posted an article
about celeb breakups

on Wayneface the other day, so...


Do my eyes deceive me
or are you fun-sized?

Eh, start talking about his turnoffs.

He hates angel hair pasta and that thing

where you say goodbye to someone

but then you both walk
in the same direction.

He hates that.

Young master Bane, I know my stubbly,
rugged appearance may belie this,

but I know a thing or two about love,

and let me assure you, love
is in the eye of the beholder.

And you don't need to
copulate with the building

until it crumbles to the ground
to let it know that you love it.

I mean, what is horny, if not love...

♪ Persevering? ♪

[BANE] Ah. What?

Anyways, I digress.

It's "anyway."

It's not "anyways."

It is? "Anyways" sounds
right to a boy born and raised

in salt-of-the-earth
Sutton, United Kingdom.

That really begs the question.

- Why isn't it "anyways"?
- No.

No, no. God, that's not the correct
usage of "begs the question."

You're not supposed to just use it
in place of "raises the question."

It is to be used only to
identify flawed premises,

as in, "The American public's
acceptance of "anyways"

because 'everyone does it already'

really begs the f*cking question."

Ahhh! So annoying.

He's getting turned off.
It's working. It's working!

The only thing I'm certain of now

is that I will never see
anything stupider in my life.

The event promoters have informed me

that refunds do not apply to
massive homicidal bellends.

I'm so sorry.

I wish I could do something.
I am but one human man.

[HARLEY] Are you good now?
You gonna stop humping stuff?


Thank you for saving me.

Yeah, I don't know what got into me.

Except for all that testosterone
and reproductive fluid.

Oh, yeah. See, I got a magic spell

to give Ive the best
orgasm she ever had,

and then her pheromones exploded
everywhere and made you supes horny.

But I'm really not sure
why you're so giant.

I also got a magic spell to... [SIGHS]

do something nice for
someone on Valentine's Day.

Aw, trying to pack a
little more heat, huh?

I packed the appropriate amount of heat.


This is the second-biggest
Valentine's Day disaster I've ever had.

[STAMMERS] I mean, pray
tell, what was the first?

When I missed the Season
episode of The Office

where Jim goes to Tallahassee
to see Robert California.

God, what the f*ck was
even going on in that show?,

[SIGHS] I guess it's another solo V-Day.

Maybe I'll go back to the pit
and cuddle with a pile of rocks.

[BETTY] Want some company?

Betty, what are you doing here?

Well, I saw you getting it on
with the skyline and thought,

"Hey, back off, Wayne
Tower! That's my man!"

Ha! So my giant body is
not a turn-off to you?

You have a sexual charisma of
which I'd like to be a part.

Ending your sentence with a noun,
as opposed to a preposition...

Bane likey.

[GIGGLES] Let's get
out of here, big guy.


- Um...
- How do you think that's gonna work?

You know, not well.

Wow! The smoke from the
millions of square feet of rubble

really makes for a
beautiful night sky, Ive.

The next time you get the idea

to do something extra Harley
to prove your love to me,

I just want you to
know you don't have to.

Because it doesn't matter

if something's the best Valentine's Day

or date night or orgasm
I've ever had or not,

because this is the best relationship

I've been in. By a mile.

Yeah, I think the orgasm matters.

Yeah, I didn't totally buy
that either when I said it.

I just needed, like, a third example

for the structure of the speech, so...

You know, you never just...

You never just asked me what my
best Valentine's Day ever was.

I don't want to hear
about some pimple-faced kid

from your boarding school
giving you a hickey.

No, that's not it.

It was a long, long time ago,

when I was alone,

sitting in my cell in
Arkham, feeling like

[SIGHS] no one in the
damn world cared about me.

Like, if I disappeared from the Earth,

it just wouldn't matter.

And then I... I hear a knock on my cell

and I look up

and I see your face.

You brought me some
chocolate milk that you...

you stole from the commissary,

and asked if I wanted some company.

And I said, "Sure."

And then you described the entire
plot of Shrek to me

because you couldn't
believe I hadn't seen it.

It's not as good as the first one,

but it's more fun.

You, Harley.

You made me feel
like... like I mattered.

And no one had ever
really done that for me.

So I just... I don't know.

I don't know if that
Valentine's Day can be topped.

- I love you, Ive.
- I love you too, peanut.

The first time we met, we
tried to k*ll each other.

No, you... you didn't try to
k*ll me. I tried to k*ll you.

But then you saved my life.

Well, you were the first person
I met who wasn't a piece of shit.

- So, [LAUGHS] I was, you know...
- I think another way to say it,

is you liked me.

I did. I liked you. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

And we became friends.
And then we fell in love.

- And then...
- Sorry, wait. Why are we doing this?

Because everyone knows
all this shit already.

So I'm just trying to understand.

I think these things need
to be a certain length.

Oh, my God. How do we...

How do we end this f*cking shit?

I could recap Shrek .

So when King Harold
dies, Shrek learns...

How about we just, like, say
"Happy Valentine's Day" to everyone

and get the f*ck out of here?

[BOTH] Happy Valentine's Day!


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