01x06 - Justice Buddies

[bunniefuu]

Neil, what's troubling you?

Normally I wouldn't ask
about someone else's life,

but your sadness amuses me.

I'm trying to text this girl
I met at a party.

It's so much pressure,
I feel like I'm gonna die.

Neil, picking up a pizza
from Chuck E. Cheese

doesn't count as a party.

It was a real party.

For my grandmother's th
birthday at her care home.

Oh ho, that's the stuff!

But I did meet a very cute nurse.

Her scrubs had puppies on them,
so I told her I have a puppy.

I'll have to figure that out later.

- Guys, guess what.
- It's the best...

- Oh, sorry, Judge, you go.
- No, no, you tell them.

Oh, no, no, why don't neither
of you tell us

and let us just get on with our night?

Gurgs' nephew Xavier and some
of his classmates are here

to do research
for a social studies project.

Don't you think it's a huge mistake

bringing children to the court?

And Earth in general.

This is our chance to inspire

the next generation
of judges and lawyers.

Like when my dad came for career day,

he did a presentation
and mixed in some magic.

He brought the house down.

Made the book fair
look like total trash.

I think giving back is a wonderful idea.

Just picturing the wide-eyed look

on the faces of prospective employers

when they see the word
"mentor" on my résumé.

It's why I do this.

I'm just excited to get to spend

some quality time with Xavier.

He used to really look up to me.

But ever since he started sprouting

that little baby mustache,
he's been distant.

He hasn't come
to my Sunday bun day in a while.

It's when we put things that normally

wouldn't go on a bun, on a bun.

Lasagna, soup, ice cream, pie.

- Oh, Jell-O?
- What are you, crazy?

Huh, I didn't know adults
had cafeterias.

Don't look, but I think
that's our lunch lady.

Right, that's our cue, Gurgs.

Welcome, Justice Buddies!

If there's one thing I know
about this generation,

it's they love a banner.

We are so excited you're here,
and we want you to learn

as much as you can,
so each of you will be paired

with one of our legal professionals.

Max, you're gonna be with Neil.

Our prosecutor, Olivia,
is going to take Claire.

And, Xavier, you're gonna be with Gurgs.

'Cause he's always been my little buddy.

This is us back in the day.

Look, we have on matching uniforms.

That's a deepfake.

And, Carlos, you're gonna be
with Dan, our public defender.

Mr. Fielding, would you like
to meet your Justice Buddy?

I reject the premise
that I have a Justice Buddy.

Mr. Fielding, it'd be my honor
to watch you work.

Continue.

What you do as
a public defender is so noble,

and may I say, sir,
you are one of the true heroes.

Well, I'm not a hero.

I'm just a man who constantly
does heroic things.

This one will make a fine assistant.

Two steps behind me, no eye contact.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

[♪]

[♪]

And for my next trick,

I give you the U.S. Constitution,

conserved and protected

by the judicial branch of government.

Without it,
your rights might... disappear.

Don't worry, it is not gone for good.

It is right...

It's right...

It's definitely here.

It's stuck in her bra again.
It happened earlier too.

She's gotten better though.

Okay, you know what?

No one panic. I'll be right back.

Eye contact.

Sir, I know public defenders
don't get paid enough

for what they do,
so may I buy you a coffee?

Max, he's my Justice Buddy.
I should be buying him a coffee.

- Boys, boys, boys, don't fight.
- You both can buy me coffee.

- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- Yeah, that's good. #GivingBack.

Make sure to identify me
as Claire Williams,

future district attorney.

I'm trying to get my name out there.

Rest assured, as your mentor,

I will pass on to you everything I know.

Great. Then I can do the opposite

so I don't end up in a place like this.

Some fearless feedback...
No one uses hashtags anymore.

And maybe invest in an iron?

I... I woke up late today.

Your eyeliner tells that story.

Don't let it become your narrative.

I hate kids.

Just look at them,
growing with their big dreams

and unearned confidence
and overabundance of collagen.

It's just rude.

Mine is pretty great actually.

He helped me write that nurse
the perfect text, and look.

Just sent me a selfie.

You asked a child for dating advice?

I don't know what to tell you, Olivia.

This is where we're at.

Wait, am I supposed to send
a selfie back?

I'll check with Max.

Being in a courthouse is cool, right?

Ah, it's just like on TV.

I remember you used to watch
"Paw Patrol."

Chase the Police Pup
was your favorite character.

I can't believe I ever watched that.

That show is copaganda.

Cool, cool, cool. Fire!

So, uh, what are you into these days?

- You ever get on TikTok?
- No.

Apparently the handle @gurgs
is already taken.

Some mouthwash influencer.

Well, there's this guy, Malcolm FX.

He's a street artist
who talks about the real issues.

Oh, I know him.

He's the one that did
that Central Park Five mural.

His work is legit.

Wait, he's getting arrested
in this video.

And he's coming to this court?

Oh, is he?

Oh, that's... that's weird.

- I never...
- Don't play.

Are you here to get a picture with him?

Alright, I'll sneak you into the lineup,

but if someone identifies you
as the perp, you're on your own.

Oh, um...

I wasn't going to tell you
because I didn't think

you'd get it,
but we're here to see the trial

so when the system screws
Malcolm FX, we can take action.

Take action? In my courtroom?

Cool, cool, cool.

Uh, that is fire.

Judge, fun new idea.

Ooh, I love fun new ideas.

What do you think about a gavel
that goes "boi-oi-oing"?

I'm not sure if it should be
a sound effect

or a superloud spring.

Well, I was thinking what
if we send the kids home?

Disband the Justice Buddies?

Yeah, they've already been
plenty inspired by

"Abby Stone presents Law-zzle Daw-zzle."

Aw, well, that was just the previews.

It's time for the feature presentation.

Mnh-mnh. The previews are the best part.

I don't even stay for the movie.

When the lights go all the way
down, I get all the way up.

Trust me, there is
nothing better than seeing

this justice system in action.

- You want to...
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

Okay. Uh, all rise.

The Honorable Judge Abby Stone presiding

over a very calm and respectful court.

First up,
the City vs. Malcolm Richardson,

aka Malcolm FX.

Your Honor, the defendant
was caught defacing the statue

of Christopher Columbus in Central Park

by covering his head with this.

I was trying to flush that piece of...

Oh! Children.

He also works in bidets.

Oh! I love it when art surprises me.

Your Honor, my justice associate
has familiarized me

with Mr. FX's work.

He is no criminal.

He is an artist who provokes
social change,

a man who uses his medium

to speak for those
who cannot speak for themselves.

- Just like Mr. Fielding.
- Ah, kiddo.

No one is saying that
Christopher Columbus is good.

He and I have very different opinions

on how you should make friends
when you're new in town.

Don't you think you could
contribute to the debate

without breaking the law?

We've been debating for years.

What more is there left to say?

Nah, man, actions
speak louder than words.

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

Yeah, freedom of speech,
a right guaranteed

to every citizen

by the First Amendment
of the Constitution.

And that document is the GOAT.

And I will fight tooth and nail

to make sure it exists
for future generations.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Okay, okay, order.

Gurgs, can I talk to you a minute?

I was right, huh?

Watching the court in action
got them real fired up, huh?

Yeah, fired up, alright.

Think you can get them
just to calm down a little bit?

Sure. Uh, but while I'm up here,

I just think the charges
seem a little harsh

for someone who's trying
to express himself.

If Christopher Columbus would've
seen a modern toilet,

he wouldn't know what to do with it.

He might have put it on his head.

We just don't know.

Unfortunately, my hands are tied.

This isn't about freedom of speech.

He confessed to vandalizing
public property.

I find the defendant guilty of
third-degree criminal mischief.

Objection! This system is rigged!

Unleash the signs!

- What do we want?
- Justice!

- When do we want it?
- Justice!

I said we should get
one more practice in,

but no one listens to Max.

What is going on?

We're protesting an unjust system

that will find Malcolm FX guilty
of anything

except speaking the truth.

And they got a better banner than you.

Look, you seem like a nice magician,

but you're a cog in a broken system.

There is a lot of passion
here, which I love.

Day or night, court's not right!

Day or night, court's not right!

Don't love that.

Neil, can you clear the court
out, please?

And, um, everyone else,
can I talk to you

out in the hall,
where there's less chants?

Less "chance" of what?!

No, less chants!

There's no chance we're gonna hear you

over all these chants!

Let's go out in the hall!

Day or night, court's not right!

Day or night, court's not right!

- What is going on in there?
- Okay, look, this is my fault.

- I should have...
- It's not your fault.

Dan's the one who got them
all riled up, talking about

the First Amendment
for his little fan club.

I was just making a passionate
defense for my client.

The fact that it turned
a roomful of children

against you is just a fun bonus.

No, a fun bonus is when you're watching

"Live with Kelly and Ryan"

but Ryan Seacrest has the day off,

so Kelly's husband fills in

and you get to see their
sexual tension for a full hour.

Maybe some disillusionment
is a good thing.

Now Claire doesn't go into law
and we all sleep easier.

Claire, my little justice nemesis.

How do not know Claire?
She's trying to destroy me!

I think y'all are missing the point.

When Xavier came to me and told
me what they were going to do...

Wait, you knew they were
going to do this?

- Well, I only found out...
- Why didn't you tell me?

If I'm being honest, I can see
where the kids are coming from.

Oh, that's great,
so you can talk to them.

You can get them to calm down.

You know what? Yeah, I got this.

Day or night, court's not right!

Day or night, court's not right!

- Xavier Lawrence.
- Yeah?

You got room for one more?

Sorry, I grabbed
my science homework by mistake.

Gurgs, what are you doing?

I'm supporting my nephew.

Hey, Max, I know it's not the best time,

but I'm getting the three dots.

I got cases tonight, Gurgs,
and we already started late

'cause I did that magic show.

You know I'm obligated to report this.

- I do know protocol.
- Well, then, help me out.

I hear you, but you could lose your job.

Are you sure about this?

When I say "all rise,"
you say "get wise."

- All rise!
- Get wise!

- All rise!
- Get wise!

- All rise!
- Get wise!

- All rise!
- Get wise!

- Claire is clearly the weakest chanter.
- Get wise!

Neil, they're trespassers
in my courtroom,

which means we have no choice
but to report them.

- So can you report them?
- I don't want to do that.

Neither do I.

Here's a good rule of thumb.

If you're too scared to do something,

I'm definitely too scared to do it.

Okay, I'm here as a liaison
with a list of demands.

"We the protesters will not be
silenced until we receive,"

uh, all of these.

The children demand a bottle
of Macallan single malt scotch?

Oh, yes, and they insist
on the -year, not the .

These kids have taste.

How can you just treat this like a joke?

Of the things that I have seen
in this court,

this doesn't even break the top .

There are no bombs,
there are no hostages,

no disgruntled warlocks.

This is a snooze.

Oh, Gurgs, thank God.
Is the protest over?

No, I'm here with our demands.

Uh, uh, what are you talking about?

I just brought our demands.

Alright, fine.

These are for me, but my
happiness is important to them.

Neil, you're missing it.

They started a chant about you.

"Clerks are jerks!"

I got bigger problems out here.

I sent the nurse a selfie

and she saw all the kids
in the background.

- Now she thinks they're my kids.
- What? Why would she think that?

I told her they were my kids.

I didn't know what to do.

My Justice Buddy wasn't around,
so I panicked.

Sorry that a -year-old

dropped the ball on your love life.

Well, this little protest
really worked out well for me.

I got some photos of that little
queen bee agitator, Claire.

She will never work in a D.A.'s
office after they see this.

Oh, it is a career k*ller!

You do know we're talking about a child?

She doesn't have a career.

Yeah, and I intend to keep it that way.

They would also like a complete overhaul

of the judicial system,

the abolishment
of the Electoral College,

and a large cheese pizza with
Doritos baked into the crust.

Some of those are really tricky.

I don't know how I'm going
to do that pizza thing.

Can we just end this?
I'm not anti-protest.

I went to all the women's marches,

and the march I thought
was against ageism

but turned out to be
a casino bus that broke down.

None of those grandmas knew
how to change a tire?

Greatest generation, my butt!

I know firsthand how this system fails,

and you know I try really hard
to make things better,

but they are blaming me for something

that I can't do anything about.

It's just unfair.

That's not a good feeling, right?

When things are unfair
and there's nothing

you can do about it.

Makes you want to... I don't know...

pick up a sign and yell or something.

I like working here.
I like working with you.

But there are cases
that come through here

that just get under my skin.

Most nights, I can push past it.

Tonight was different.

Alright, so, I've talked the kids down

to something more reasonable.

They want to have a weekly
luncheon with me at The Palm.

No budgetary restrictions.

Oh, yeah, and they'll be in school

so they won't be able to attend.

You know, I just realized something.

I'm the bad guy in this situation.

Must be hard for you.

I mean, I've been the good guy
for like minutes,

and it's pretty intoxicating.

Don't know if I'll ever
be able to go back.

You're using children to scam booze.

I'm pretty sure
you'll be able to go back.

Look, you said yourself that
you're part of a system

that doesn't always get it right,

which means that sometimes
you're gonna be the bad guy.

You know what? I'm... I'm gonna tell you

something that's gonna be
difficult for you to hear,

but I know from experience.

This isn't about you, Dan.

Sorry, I've just never heard
that sentence

without the word "Dan" at the end of it.

So I guess I got to figure out
a way to make it about them.

Or we could just shut
this whole place down

and I would never have to come back.

You know, a real good guy would help me.

Yeah, okay.

Tell you what... Let's go get a table

at The Palm and figure this out.

What you got there, hmm?
A little celebratory cola?

Feeling pretty good about yourself, huh?

Well, you should know stunts
like this can really hurt

your chances with law school
and future employers.

Are you blackmailing me?

Should I be?

Please, I could spin
those pics like a C.D. player...

an obsolete device you may remember

- from your teenage years.
- [GASPS]

Okay.

You're young and you, uh, think
you got it all figured out,

but pretty soon you're going to wake up

to a closet full of Ann Taylor Loft,

an infestation of roaches
that you call water bugs,

and a therapist who won't
return your phone calls

because her therapist identified
you as clinically unhelpable!

You're right. I don't have it
all figured out.

I act like I do because I'm scared

and I lash out at people
to make myself feel better.

I'm a fake.

I'm an adult woman who felt
threatened by a -year-old.

And that monologue was about me.

So, are you really going
to lose your job over this?

- Probably.
- Good.

Why do you want to work
in a place like this anyway?

I've asked myself that question a lot

these last couple years.

Why do I keep putting on this uniform?

I think being here is important.

I want the people who come
to court to see

someone from their community,
someone who understands them

and who doesn't just assume
they're guilty.

I mean, sometimes they are very guilty.

But they still deserve to be
treated like human beings,

and that's what I do.

Maybe it's good to have
people like you here.

I hope you don't lose your job.

Well, if I do, I'll just
get a job at your school.

[LAUGHS] If you think you were
embarrassed today,

strap in, baby!

Alright, no more being
Judge Mr. Nice Judge!

I'm charging you all
with criminal trespassing!

Technically Olivia is charging you,

so really she's the worst,
but I'm still plenty bad!

Just a second, you tiny monster!

Ah, it's Mr. Fielding for the defense.

That's right, and I have
secured an emergency permit

to allow these young people to assemble.

Damn it, you found a way
to let these dissenting voices

be heard by working within the system.

You and these fresh-faced
future lawyers and judges

have foiled me yet again!

Is this a play?

It's boring like a play.

No, it's very funny and suspicious

that you're against us
when your signature is on it.

Is it? Wow.

I sign so many things
'cause, you know, cog.

Uh-huh.

Well, thanks, but our protest
is over anyway.

This place needs a lot of work.

But I feel better knowing there
are people here who get it.

Me too.

So, this means I get to go

to your school's auntie-nephew dance.

- Uh, we don't have one of tho...
- Shh!

Let her have this.

There, I fixed it for you.

She said she'll see you next weekend

when your kids are
with your ex in Hartford.

Wow, you're good.

You know, this whole night,
I thought I was teaching you,

but in a way, you were teaching me.

In every way I was teaching you.

At no point were you teaching me.

Goodbye, Aunt Gurgs.

See you at Sunday bun day?

Thanks again for the invite.
I can't wait.

It's going to be a "bunnn-ch" of fun.

It's called bun day, not pun day.

Before I go, I just want to let you know

- how much this meant to me.
- Oh!

This generation and your incessant need

to express every feeling.

J... Just get out of here
before I take more

of your birthday money.

You know what?

This turned out to be a lot of fun.