02x04 - Cost Cutting

[bunniefuu]

It wouldn't be enough
to cover the entire recall,

but we could stop
using the corporate jets

for non-company business.

We do that now?

Well, some people take
"market research" trips

to every Mardi Gras.

Uh, bullying?
Anyone want to step in here?

Mm-mm.

Couldn't we just charge,
like, bucks more a car?

No one would notice.

Yes, people famously don't haggle
over the prices of their cars.

None of that is big enough.
We have been at this for hours,

and all we've decided
is where to order lunch.

We should have spent more time on that.

This sandwich dry as hell.

Look, I hate to be the one to say it,

but we all know what needs to be done.

We have to close a factory.
[ALL GRUMBLING]

I said I hate to say it, all right?

That absolves me.

I really don't want to do that.

None of us do, but sometimes

you have to cut off the hand
to save the arm.

Ah, like zombies.

Why are factory workers
always the first ones

- on the chopping block?
- Mm.

Nothing ever seems to touch the people
with the cushy office jobs.

You know what? That is not a bad point.

I mean, it'd be a bloodbath up here,

but downsizing executives
would get us a lot more savings

with fewer bodies.

No, I wasn't suggesting
that we actually...

You know, I hate to say it,
but we wouldn't have to cut production

if we went with
Jack's Red Wedding thing.

Okay, Red Wedding is not
what I was actually saying.

- We shouldn't fire anyone.
- Exactly.

But if we have to, we would get
less blowback with Jack's idea.

And then we could loosen restrictions
on the corporate jet, right?

What is wrong with you, Wesley?

These people 'bout to be
homeless and lose their jobs,

and you're worried about
seeing boobs for free?

It's not free.
It's like a barter economy.

Okay, fine. We'll go with Jack's idea.

Let' start with every department,
letting one executive go,

and then we'll reassess from there.

Oh, God. They have no idea
what's coming.

Stop staring. You're making it obvious.

Pretend I said something inspiring.

- Clap, clap, clap, clap.
- Oh, bravo.

But wait, wait, wait, no, no, no, no.

It looks like we decided to
fire them and then applauded.

Just close the blinds; close the blinds.

Yes. On it. Closing the blinds.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ Bom bom bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

[CHORUS VOCALIZING]

I mean, Ros is a cancer survivor.

If we let go of her,
she'll lose her insurance.

And Keith just adopted twins.

I mean, that's a bad time
to be out of a job.

I didn't mean to get anybody fired.

Who would you let go of?

I mean, I have narrowed it down
to these four.

- You want me to decide?
- Well, yeah.

You want to be in management?

Here's lesson :
making hard decisions.

Well, our first lesson was actually
how to log into the web portal.

It's, like, needlessly complicated...

Right. I need this.

Fine.

If I had to choose, I guess...

Syd.

He has the worst numbers
and the most complaints.

Yeah. Sweet guy, though.
I was hoping you wouldn't pick him.

Oh, I can pick somebody...

No, you're right. It has to be Syd.

- I just can't face him.
- Okay.

Can you do it?

Me?

It'd hurt less coming from you.

These people think of me
as like a cool, younger sister

or like an unobtainable crush.

- Do they?
- Mm-hmm.

Ah, there she is.

Saint Dori saving the world
one mean comment at a time.

Get away from me, Wesley.

She's so perfect.

She would never spend company money

going to a place where
sexual mores are temporarily lowered.

- Because I don't need to.
- Okay, uh, Miss Pens.

God, for someone who cares
so much about the company,

you're pretty cavalier
with the pen usage.

You got blue, black, red, another blue.

Must be nice.

What does a pen cost?
Like, what? A dime?

Yeah, but you multiply that
times, like, , employees,

who knows how much that would save?

$ , .

Did you just do that in your head?

I mean, I guess we do use a lot of stuff
that we actually don't need.

Like, why does everybody
have tape on their desk?

We're not doing arts and crafts
up in here.

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

I mean, you cut some pens;
you cut some tape.

- That's, like, pure savings.
- Yeah.

Let's go check out the supply room.

Ooh, yeah. Uh, don't worry, guys.

This mismatched pair of ragtags
is gonna save your jobs.

And in the process,

we just may find out we have
more in common than we think.

What does he mean save our jobs?

Anyone know what he means by that?

Hey, Katherine.

"Ticker Tape" on CNBC wants to
interview you this afternoon.

- Today?
- Mm.

On the day of these layoffs? Pass.
I mean, that would be like

taking a victory lap
at a euthanasia party.

- Mm.
- Yeah.

Not a perfect metaphor.
But the point is, terrible timing.

Right, yeah, but I was also thinking

- maybe it's perfect timing.
- Hmm?

It shows that we're taking
hard actions to cut costs,

which Wall Street will love,
but we're doing it by

letting go of executives
instead of blue-collar workers,

which, I mean, Main Street will love.

- Yeah.
- Oh, right?

Interesting. Love from both streets.

I mean, that's
all the streets there are.

Yeah. Katherine Hastings,
savior of the underlings.

Maybe we could workshop the phrasing.

Savior of the peons?

Uh, just workers.

Eh, doesn't really pop.
I'll play with it.

Right.

So the first few pages
are just the standard layoff script,

and the rest is a list
of acceptable legal responses

to anything they may say to you.

So I'm just supposed
to read this to them?

Seems a little heartless.

Precisely, yeah. Just get through it

with an emotionless, surgical precision.

You know, like a child
of an acrimonious divorce

dissecting a backyard squirrel.

Please, Jack. There's an art to this.

People don't want a robot.
They want to be heard.

- They want to be seen.
- Just stick to the script.

Stick to the script,
but breathe some life into it, hmm?

Connect with your scene partner.

- My scene partner?
- Let's say I'm f*ring you.

I gotta ask myself, "What
do I think makes Jack tick?"

So while my mouth may be
going through the motions

and saying the words,
my mind is thinking,

"Light beer, bouncing breasts,

he probably ain't
cracked a book in ages."

- Little condescending, but...
- It's art, Jack.

It's supposed to make you
feel uncomfortable.

Yeah, I mean, you have
to admit we do love breasts.

He's not wrong about that.

Okay, but what do I do if he, like,

starts freaking out screaming,
"I'm gonna k*ll myself,"

or, "I'm gonna k*ll you and
then I'm gonna k*ll myself."

- What do I do if...
- That is in here,

because we do get that...

[LAUGHING] Really quite a lot.

Uh, oh, we could lower our water bill

if we put those little
push tabs on the sinks.

You know, the one where
you gotta play whack-a-mole

to, like, turn the water on?

Oh, my God. I hate those things.
That's perfect.

Oh, double-sided printing.

We use half the paper, not to mention

freeing up filing space
and reducing trash.

Okay, you're amazing at this.

It's like "Good Will Hunting"
but, you know, like,

a reboot with a Black woman,

and I'd probably have to be gay
or British or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Joe America shouldn't pay the tab
for corporate America's mistakes.

Powerful, right?

Very much so. I felt it. Tingly.

Ew. Well, anyway.
Hey, is what I'm wearing okay?

When I got dressed this morning,
I didn't know I'd be doing TV.

I think you look perfect,

especially given the solemn news,

it's good not to be too polished.

What do you mean too polished?

- Do I look unpolished?
- No, I just mean real.

You look real.

So I don't look like
my normal supermodel self?

It's been a stressful time lately
in case you haven't noticed.

Honestly? Hey, you look beautiful.

Really? 'Cause ten seconds ago,

you were saying I looked unpolished,

so you're kinda talking out
both sides of your mouth there.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, yeah. My roots are really bad. Wow.

Ooh, I could use some filler, too.

I'm gonna go.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Dori. Get Dr. Kazemi on the phone.

Tell her to bring the full bag!

Syd, you've been a valuable employee,

but unfortunately,
we have to let some people go,

and I just... [KNOCK AT DOOR]

Yes, uh, come in.

- Hey, are you Jack?
- Syd!

- I mean, I'm Jack.
- Yeah.

- You're Syd.
- Yeah.

Well, I certainly hope so.

That's the name that they wrote
in my underwear.

[CHUCKLES] You know,
you look like a Jack.

Yeah, it's a strong name,
but it's not showing off.

- I mean, you're just Jack.
- Yeah, thanks.

So the reason I asked you in today

is that we need to talk about...

Actually, Jack's my grandson's name.

- That's, uh, that's cool.
- You remind me of him.

He's a good kid. That's two good kids.

So what can I do for you, Jack?

- Syd.
- Yeah.

- You've been a valuable...
- Oh!

What size mitt do you wear?

My mitt size?

I've got an extra glove.
I think it might fit you.

- Adult?
- Yeah, that'll work.

[UPBEAT QUIRKY MUSIC]

Yeah.

"Please know that Payne greatly values

"your years of service
and is therefore committed

to helping you find your next
employment opportunity."

Oh, my God. Oh, God. I...

[CLEARS THROAT] "Payne...

Payne will be offering
a generous severance package"...

[MURMURING]

"Payne greatly values your years..."

[SIGHS] I'm sorry, Deb.

"Your years of service and
is committed to helping you..."

Shh, it's okay. You're doing great.

"Unfortunately, we have
to let some people go, and..."

Oh, I'm sorry. Who's that gonna be?

Uh, just, uh, let me keep reading.

"We have to let some people go"...

On second thought, I don't wanna know.

These people are like family.

There's a second half of that sentence
I really need to get to, Syd.

- "Please..."
- [MURMURING]

"Please take all personal
belongings with you..."

[MURMURING]

"By the end of the day,
as your card access will be turned off."

[MURMURING]

"Please take all your personal..."

No!

I can't. I can't.

Here. I'll help. Let me do it.

[SNIFFLES]

Uh, "Take all
personal belongings with you

as your card access will be turned off."

That sounds reasonable. That's fine.

[WHISPERS] Turn the page.

Wait! I'm fired? You're f*ring me?

Uh, "If you signed
a separation agreement,

I can give you a severance
of X dollars."

I think I'm supposed
to fill out the X...

I could do better, Jack.
Jack, give me another chance.

"Syd, I'm sorry, but the decision

to end your employment is final."

Oh! How is this happening?

And what sort of God would
allow something like this to happen?

"If they invoke God, maintain a

neutral disposition, and do not engage."

I don't think
you're supposed to read that.

"Once again, thank you
for your time and service."

Howard? Are you all right?

I'm fine.

"Excellent.

I'm so happy we've come
to a satisfactory conclusion."

Howard, are you sure you're fine?

I'm fine.

"Excellent.

I'm so happy we've come
to a satisfactory conclusion."

Shall I... I tell you what,

why don't I give you a helping hand,
set you on the way? [CHUCKLES]

You know, a journey of a thousand miles

starts with a single step, doesn't it?

So I'm just gonna
pop you there, and, um...

check you on the flipside.

What did I do wrong?

Did someone complain
about my performance?

"Syd, we won't be
discussing any specifics

- "about your performance."
- Okay.

But to my face they say,
"Great job, Syd.

You're part of the team, Syd."
So now what?

All of a sudden, behind
my back, they want me gone?

"Syd, this meeting
isn't about other employees."

Stop reading from this binder.

I'm a real person. Would you talk to me?

[SIGHS]

Truth is, we have to cut costs
to pay for the recall.

- That's all this is.
- But why me?

Did I do my job wrong?

Is that what this is in my file?

Of course not. Of course not.

The file says you are great.

They just want, like, new blood.

- New blood?
- Yeah, yeah.

Syd, it's nothing personal.

Oh, okay. So this is an age thing.

What?

No, you need to bring in the young g*ns.

I didn't mean to suggest
anything like that.

I may be old, but I know the
word "ageism" when I hear it.

- Syd, let's just take a b*at.
- Let's just work...

You don't remind me of my grandson,

you remind me of my other grandson,

the pot smoker.

So how rough have the layoffs been?

Um, you know, we're getting through it.

It's just obviously uncomfortable.

Mm-hmm.

- Should I come back later?
- No. Why?

Just a bit squeamish
about needles in faces.

Oh, well, you're
gonna have to get used to that.

I mean, you're
a female executive, right?

Gotta stay ahead
of the saggy-faced curve.

Mm.

Actually, you could use
a little touch-up right now.

You want the rest of this needle?

- You can't share needles.
- What?

- It's fine. I'm her boss.
- I think I'm good.

- But thanks.
- Easier if you start now.

- Actually, maybe five years ago.
- Mm-hmm.

You're the head
of a Fortune company.

Haven't you, like, earned the right
to not have to worry about vanity?

[LAUGHS] It's not vanity; it's business.

I mean, people want their female
CEOs to be young and vibrant.

Do you think anyone wants to know that

when I kicked through the glass ceiling,

I peed my granny briefs a little?

Mm, no. Is that a thing?

Oh, yeah. When you hit perimenopause,

you'll be playing tennis
in a maxi pad, too.

- Well, I don't play tennis.
- You should.

Your upper arms are starting
to drift a little.

It's really good for that.

- And stop moving your lips.
- Mm-hmm.

[MUMBLING] I mean,
this is what you have to do

to be taken seriously.

Mm.

Hey, everyone! We got great news.

Dori is passing out some
super-cozy blankets.

Those are gratis.

Plus, I also think she has
some bonus great news.

I sure do, Wesley.

The heat will be turned off
between : and : ,

effective immediately.

And that's prudent. It's super-prudent.

Um, I can't work in the cold.
I have a medical condition.

- You have a what?
- An iron deficiency.

[LAUGHS] So let me guess.
You half woman, half lizard?

No, no, it's cool. It's cool.

We want everyone to be comfortable,
so look, hey, look. It's fine.

Phoebe doesn't want to use a blanket.

- Okay.
- Great.

Unfortunately, that does mean
that Max is gonna lose his job

and his kids are gonna starve to death.

Yeah, Max's children gon' die.

Okay, I'll take a blanket.

There you go, Pheebs!

Okay, Max. Your kids
live to see another day.

I'm take this. You don't need
to be taping nothing.

- Your papers just be everywhere.
- [CHUCKLES]

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

Hey. How'd everything go?

Oh, fantastic. Yeah.

I mean, I do have a catatonic man
in a rolling chair outside my office,

but other than that,
everything's brilliant.

Okay. How did Syd take it?

Not well. Kept asking why
he was the one being let go.

He's the worst performer
in his department.

Yeah, but I didn't want
to tell him that, though.

He thinks it's because he getting old.

He can't sue me for, like,
ageism, can he?

Uh, no. Of course not.

I mean theoretically,
he could sue the company,

but he'd need to prove a
pattern of age discrimination.

He's just one guy, so...

I think Deborah's in her s, actually.

All right, well, you know,
two people, then.

Although Howard
is getting up there a bit.

Well, that's just three people.

I'm sure other departments didn't...

Letting you go too?

Ugh.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

Looks like the end of "Cocoon," right?

Mm.

Gerald Balmer,

Arthur Stevens, Mort Callaway?

Jesus, this thing reads like
the team roster at a canasta tournament.

Well, yeah, I mean,
if you read them out in a list,

then yeah, it doesn't sound great.

Well, how should I read it?

Well, I guess my legal advice
would be we don't.

Can't we just wait this out?

Like until the old people die?

No, no, no. That's not what I meant.

Guys, we can't sit back on this one.

I have dealt with
age discrimination lawsuits at York.

They are ugly, and they are expensive.

Yeah, it's not like
the people they protect.

They move pretty fast. [CHUCKLES]

It's not the time for humor, is it?

Yeah, but this wasn't
on purpose, though.

It was a mistake.

Oh, that's a good point, Jack.

Yeah, great. Hey guys, let's
double down on the oopsies defense.

I actually got excited when
you said "good point."

This is all ridiculous.

Syd is a marketing VP
who never learned social media.

I mean, you would not go to a
doctor who's years behind the times.

Right. Can it really be discrimination
if it affects your job?

Are we gonna let an -year-old, um...

I don't know. Can't help you.

- Uh, run a band saw?
- Mm.

That'd be insane.
There should be lawsuits about that.

Yeah, I don't see a lot of heavy
machinery around the office.

What about a hand model
who loses both of his hands?

Again, how does that apply to us?

Yeah, also all models are
freelance these days, Jack,

so that doesn't work on two counts.

Age had nothing to do with this.

It just so happens that bad employees

and old employees share
a lot of the same qualities,

and that sounds really bad,
so circle back to me.

Look, we didn't fire anyone
because of their age, right?

We fired them because they're bad.

Yeah, yeah. Thank you.

You know, and some of them
are bad because of their age.

Guys, I don't want excuses.

I want to squash this thing
before it gets out of hand,

so someone talk Syd
down off the ledge, okay?

Straighten him out, sweet talk him,
give him a stick and let him

push a big hula hoop out the front door.
I don't care. Just end it.

Mm-hmm.

[QUIRKY PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]

Oh, hey. What are you doing?

Did you just throw out that tea bag?

How many times have you used it?

- Uh, one.
- One?

That's [BLEEP] up.

Hey, hey! Everybody, listen up!
[WHISTLES]

Tea bags cost money!

You should be getting three to six uses

per bag minimum.

Yeah, after a few uses,

I put some of the leaves
right under my tongue.

- Ooh!
- Nature's tea bag!

Right here!

This is an industrious man, okay?
Unlike you freaks.

And just remember,
wastefulness is weak tea.

Mm!

That's been in the trash.

Did you just come up with that?

It popped in my head fully formed.

Oh, my God. The hairs on
my neck just, like, stood up.

- You serious?
- I was like, "Damn, Wesley!"

Syd, I'm so sorry to let you go.

I just wanted to let you know

it has nothing to do with your age.

Oh, really?

Each department
had to lose one employee,

and you had the worst numbers.

Well, that's not what Jack said.

He said my file looks great

and that you wanted me fired
because you wanted "new blood."

Mm. You said that?

You could have mentioned that before.

I was trying not to hurt his feelings.

Look, Syd. I think what's
happened here is that Jack,

he's a nice guy, you know?

Not one of those
self-proclaimed nice guys

that "harass women" online.

No, I mean, he's a genuine nice guy.

You know, he can probably
get any woman he wants

without resorting to bullying tactics.

- Right, Jack?
- Is that a question?

Syd, the truth is, you're the
worst performer in your department.

You want to read
your performance reviews?

- I don't have my readers.
- Fine. I'll read them.

"Work is sloppy and filled with errors.

"Shows no initiative.

"Brags about using sick days
to play golf.

Can't remember the names of any
of the women on the floor."

They all have the same hair.

Mm-mm.

And besides, if I was so bad,
why didn't you fire me yourself?

'Cause I don't want to be
mean to and old... to a person.

I don't buy it. You could've
written all that down just now.

And my attorney said
I shouldn't be speaking with you anyway.

Attorney? So you've hired an attorney?

Oh, yeah. Real shark.

Representing all of us.

Three words: class action lawsuit.

Elliot, I'll see you in court.
Jack, go suck an egg.

Brenda, I never respected you anyway.

Oh.

- That's you.
- That's me.

♪

Hey, isn't this good?
How's this for non-polished?

Yeah, it's nice. Um...

Man, you really have to stop frowning.

These lines are gonna set.

We have a little problem.

Syd and the other old people
have lawyered up.

What? Oh, my God.

I've got enough to think about
with this interview.

Wait, they're not gonna
ask about this, are they?

They might.

No, no, no. This is not happening.

The whole point of this thing
was to show that

we're on the side of the underdogs.

What am I gonna say when

they ask me why I decided
to go fire grandpa?

Well, I was thinking you
could maybe remind them that

you know, you're a woman
of a certain age.

What? I just spent the entire
day making myself look younger,

and now you want my defense to be

that I eat prunes every morning?

Besides which, honestly,
I look like I'm anyway.

- Y-you don't.
- . Fine, whatever.

- Okay.
- Ah, damn it.

We're gonna have to rethink
this whole thing.

I think it's more of an attitude thing.

Hey, Dori! Get the rest
of the style team back!

Sadie needs me to eat turds
on live television.

[SIGHS]

Here to talk about Payne's
plan to bounce back

from the recall, CEO Katherine Hastings.

Katherine, thank you for being here.

Well, it's great to be here, Colin.

She is really leaning into
the "I am old" thing hard.

Looks like she smashed all
the "Golden Girls" characters

into one person.

[LAUGHS]

You don't have a case, Martin.

Every one of the people
you fired is over .

You think a jury will think
that's a coincidence?

We are downsizing senior staff.

Is it any surprise
that some of the people

we're letting go happen to be seniors?

It's textbook ageism.

I'd get ready to open
the coffers if I were you.

No, the coffers will
remain firmly shut, thank you,

because you need to prove
a pattern of discrimination,

and one unlucky day
doth not a pattern make.

So if I look at everybody
you fired in the past,

I wouldn't find a
disproportionate number

of them that were over ?

[BLEEP] off, Martin.

[ENERGETIC PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]

Oh, move, Howard.
You need to get on with your life!

No, we can't do the layoffs.

- We can't do the layoffs.
- What?

If you don't rehire all
these wrinkled, old fart bags,

we're gonna get buried
in a slew of lawsuits

that are gonna cost us way more
than we ever would've made

by laying them off in the first place.

[SIGHS] Well, where
are we gonna find the savings?

We could fire
all the young people instead.

Damn, you're just dying to axe
people today, aren't you, Jack?

He's got a taste for blood now.

No, no, that's not what I'm trying...

Wait, fire young people?
That's just reverse discrimination.

And then we'll be stuck

with just the old people,
and let's be honest,

they absolutely suck.

[CHUCKLES]

- Not you. We value you.
- Yeah.

Has she started
talking about the layoffs yet?

Have you decided where you'll
find the money to pay for all this?

Well, at first, we discussed
closing a factory,

but I said, "Absolutely not."

Ah, damn it.

Our factories are the heart
of our company.

Isn't it time for those of us
in the executive ranks

to take the hit?

So you'll be letting go
of some executives?

Uh, you know, that is the question

that we asked ourselves, Colin.

Uh, and the answer, Colin,
it may surprise you.

The answer is...

no.

No, we are not gonna let go
of our executives.

So where are you going to be
finding the savings, then?

Such a good question, Colin.

You know, and that's the same
question that we asked ourselves.

What are we gonna do?

We knew that we needed
an a answer right away

uh, otherwise, there would
be enormous consequences.

Close factory

is unfortunately what
we realized we had to do, so...

But you just said Joe America

shouldn't pay for
corporate America's mistakes

and that the factory was...
And I'm quoting here...

"the heart of the company."

Yes, but we have many factories,

so in a way, we have multiple hearts.

Like a cow.

You're referring to
how a cow has four stomachs?

[LAUGHING] No. Let me be clear.

We have cows,
each with a heart in them

but still, we are going to have to, uh,

turn one of our cows into chuck.

Well, sure to be an unpopular move,

but you have to respect a woman
willing to stand behind it.

Oh, well, thank you so much, Colin.

Oh, and I just want to say
I know I look a little haggard.

I was out very, very late last night.

Some of my friends took me out
for my th birthday.

[CHUCKLES]

Plus what we'll save on heat
minus the blankets we had to buy,

plus what we saved on office supplies...

They didn't think this ragtag
team of misfits could do it.

Well, how do you like them apples?

- We saved a total of $ .
- Huh.

Not what I was expecting,

but you gotta spend money
to save money, right?

Mm-hmm. That sounds right.

Hey, we should keep this going.
Uh, the savings committee.

We meet once a week, we order in sushi,

and we brainstorm ways we can cut costs.

Mm, sushi sounds good right about now.

I know. You wanna go get something?

I mean unless you're busy. No pressure.

- Mm-mm. That sounds fun.
- Awesome!

Have you heard of this place
on Woodward?

I heard it's really good,
but it's, like, pricey.

Ah, we'll expense it.

We just need to make sure we talk

about business for, like, five seconds.

Okay, so like business,
business, business,

- business, shrimp tempura.
- Yep.

- Yeah.
- That's it.