02x15 - A Date to Remember

[bunniefuu]

- Missed a comma there, Sam.
- Thank you.

SASAPPIS: I think you're
gonna want an apostrophe there.

I mean, does she not see
the squiggly red line?

Um... (CHUCKLES)

Hello, Flower. It is, uh, me, Thorfinn.

Uh, could I talk to
you in the other room?

Well, no, 'cause I'm in this room. Duh.

Thor, we're gonna find out anything

you have to say anyway,
so just go ahead.

(CLEARING THROAT): Okay, well,

you remember the other day
when you said you would go on

one-on-one date with me?

I was wondering...

if you still want to. Wow.

It's been a long time since I
was on a regular two-person date.

I used to go on a lot of
three-person dates, some four.

There was one date I don't have
a totally accurate number for,

but it was however many
people could fit in a VW Bus.

Look, Flower, we don't have to...

She didn't say no, Thor.
She just said she's nervous,

and then overshared about
some sort of road orgy.

There's no way they were
all wearing seat belts.

No. Thor...

I'm ready.

It's time.

(CHUCKLING): Okay, well...

I'll pick you up at
your room tonight, uh...

Cool.

- See you then.
- (OTHERS CHUCKLE)

That's fantastic. Congrats, buddy.

Thor been dreaming of this moment

ever since that magical day when

Flower get eaten by bear.

Oh, so what do you have planned?

Well, truth is

the only thing Thor know about dating

is from what I learned on reality TV.

But Thor can't take Flower

on hot-air balloon trip

or to private concert with
unknown country music star

whose label also owned by the network.

You don't need any of that stuff, Thor.

You can throw her a great
date right here at Woodstone.

Really? Do others who actually
have success at dating agree?

- Oh, absolutely.
- Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, I know you guys can't
eat, but I could ask Jay

to cook a delicious
meal for you to smell.

That would be amazing.

And I could give you
your very own concert

- after dinner.
- Yes.

A-and I could perform some
one-man improv for you guys.

Absolutely, if time.

We'll play it by ear.

Tonight is gonna be
best first date ever.

(CHUCKLES)

♪ ♪

Isaac, what are you doing in here?

I'm welcoming Nigel.

He just moved in to the library.

Well, I've been waiting
for you by the window.

Have you forgotten
about our weekly ponder?

- Weekly ponder?
- ISAAC: Yes.

Hetty and I meet regularly
to stare out of the window

in the upstairs den and
ponder life's great mysteries.

Why are we here? What is our purpose?

Do fish have nightmares?
You know, that type of thing.

Well, please, do not let me keep you.

- Are you sure?
- The last thing I would want

is to come between you
and your best friend

for the most special of traditions.

Well, then it's
settled. Let's go, Isaac.

Although, if I may be so bold,

what if I were to join the ponder?

Oh, that's interesting.

And yet, there really
is only room for two

to comfortably stare out that window.

Well, it's lucky I'm of slender build.

I could insert myself right
between the two of you.

How wonderful.

Indeed.

(JAY LAUGHS)

You want to postpone

our Valentine's dinner
date to instead have me cook

a four-course meal for
two ghosts to smell?

Okay, sounds like Jay's on board.

Babe, you got to start learning
how to say no to the ghosts.

I know it's a big ask, but
it's really important to Thor.

Well, can't he just do it another night?

There's some concern
in the ghost community

that Flower could change her mind.

And to be fair, we weren't going out

on the actual Valentine's Day anyway.

Right, because on that night,

I was making food for
humans in exchange for money,

which we're apparently now using to make

throwaway food for invisible people.

You can eat the stuff afterwards.

Why did you say "you"
can eat it afterwards?

'Cause Thor has a very
specific menu in mind

which isn't exactly my taste.

- Hmm.
- He wants to surprise Flower

with his favorite foods.

He's very proud of his culture.

Okay. What do Vikings eat?

Cod. (CHUCKLES)

Obviously, and some other things.

Boiled antlers, rams'
testicles, pig heart,

horse because special occasion.

- I'll make a list.
- I do love cod.

See? (CHUCKLES) You're gonna love it.

NANCY: And who's this guy?

Once again, that's Lord Landingham.

He is the main character
of Bodices & Barons.

- As I've said several times now.
- Right.

Ah, Hetty, just the person
I've been looking for.

I'm hosting a welcome tea tomorrow night

to properly greet my new housemates,

and I wanted to extend an invitation.

Tomorrow night, you say?

Assuming I am not released
from this endless purgatory...

(LAUGHS) I shall be there.

(CHUCKLES) Splendid.

I will see you then.

Nancy.

(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

Well, that was rude.

What was?

He invited me right in front of you.

Now, he has every reason

to not want something like
you at his formal event,

but still, he could've waited for you

to crawl back down to your
lair before approaching me.

Ah, no worries.

Captain Crumpet actually
invited me yesterday.

I'm sorry, Nigel invited you

before he invited me,

the lady of the house?

That's what it looks like.

Well, this challenge
shall not go unanswered.

Nigel will rue the day

he courted Hetty Woodstone as a rival.

Now, who's this bald guy?

Once again, it is Lord Landingham.

He took his hat off. Oh.

THORFINN: Can't believe
big night finally here.

Are you sure silverware
properly laid out?

What about those beard
braids? Are they okay?

You're just nervous 'cause this is

your first date ever, but don't worry.

- You're gonna do great.
- JAY: Yeah, big guy.

You're amazing, and Flower
has almost no other options.

Yeah. Just stay calm.

You're putting too much stress on this.

(CHUCKLES) No pressure.

It's just that if date go badly,

Flower will never want to go out again,

and then things awkward forever,

and then Thor be miserable
for all of eternity

and want to die but unable to.

Uh, babe, I don't think that's
where the salad forks go.

Oh, by the eye of the All-father,

this is a disaster!

Okay, for your first course, this
is my take on sour rams' testicles,

which I've paired with an
oaky cab, because why not?

Okay. They are loving the
smell of your testicles.

Happy Valentine's Day to me.

So, what was last
two-person date you have?

And follow-up...

how does this compare?

Um, it was with this guy Michael.

And we just...

hung out and listened to music.

It's not a great idea to bring up exes.

Right, right.

Thor forget rules of dating.

Never bring up other contestants,

and never eat big meal
before fantasy suite.

There you go. (CHUCKLES)

So, Thor, tell me about this dish.

Did you eat it a lot
when you were alive?

In my family, we would eat as last meal

before my father would
ride off into battle.

- Mm-hmm.
- But one spring,

Father did not return.

And we never eat testicles again.

Oh, Thor.

(SIGHS) I-I wish I could try them.

What do they taste like?

Truth is, been so long,

Thor not remember what they taste like.

This is sad for Thor
that this memory is lost.

(GASPS) I have an idea.

Sam could try them

and describe them to us.

(CHUCKLES): Yes.

Sam, please.

In memory of my father,

try the testicles.

Uh, Jay, the ghosts are asking

if you could eat some of the dish

and describe it to them.

Isn't that something you could do?

Yeah, any person okay.

What? Women aren't allowed?

That's so unfair, but also,

out of respect to your culture, okay.

Fine. (SIGHS)

Mm.

- Well?
- Yeah, it's not great.

Why is it so chewy?

THORFINN: Mm, yes, all
coming back to Thor.

This is...

very special moment.

Aw, Thor.

I love this side of you.

Ugh! Oh, God.

The cab just enhances the flavor.

Oh, this is a disastrous pairing.

♪ When life gets you down ♪

♪ With a nasty surprise ♪

♪ All you need to get by ♪

♪ Are beers, trucks and wives... ♪

Is cover of Luke McKewk song.

Very famous unknown country singer.

Oh.

All right, hello.

I am Pete Martino, your
one-ghost improv troupe.

All I need to get started is
a non-geographical location

and something you wouldn't want
your boss to find out about.

- Just yell 'em out, folks.
- Oh. Pirate ship, and I'm stealing staples.

Pirate ship and stealing staples.

Got it. (CLEARS THROAT)

Where arrr me staples?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Impossible. Had to know
suggestion ahead of time.

You have a gift, Pete.

How much longer?

Oh, Pete says he has minutes in him.

Cool.

Well, this is where I live.

Yes, of course.

I had such a great time, Thor.

All that stuff you planned,

and you didn't mention m*rder even once.

Thor saw many openings but held back.

Can share on second date.

(CLEARS THROAT) I mean,

if there is second date. (CHUCKLES)

Sorry.

Thor get ahead of Thorself.

Oh, I think you've got
a pretty good chance.

Thor...

tonight was perfect.

♪ ♪

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING, CRACKLING)

- Sorry.
- (CHUCKLES)

I'm finally ready to try

that thing you've been asking me to do.

- Really?
- Yes.

But just this once and
just for a few minutes,

we can engage in... pillow talk.

Yes! The walls are coming down, baby.

Don't read into it.

I still view you
largely as a replacement

for the washing machine.

But matters are on my mind,
and I need an ear to bend.

I'm here. You bend any
part of me you like.

Well, I've been slighted by Nigel

with a pointedly tardy
invite to his tea party,

and I have to develop a
strategy to put him in his place.

Got it. Remember the story you told

about Mamie Fish and how she didn't

invite you to her daughter's debut,

so you threw a rival party to ruin it?

(GASPS) Yes. I crushed that little girl.

So do that.

It's a pretty good idea, right?

You are one of the
smartest washing machines

I've ever come across.

TREVOR: How about I
show you my spin cycle?

HETTY: Oh, my.

♪ Beers, trucks and wives. ♪

Thorfinn just came in looking chipper.

Ooh. Did my man get lucky last night?

(CHUCKLES) Thorfinn is gentleman,

so I simply say that date went very well

and I leave out part where me
and Flower make out big-time.

- (GASPS) They made out.
- My man.

Nothing revs up a lady
like some good improv, huh?

Hey, guys.

Hey. Good morning, Flower.

So, last night was pretty special.

Oh, yeah? What'd you get up to?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Very funny.

Why are we laughing? What's funny?

Do you not remember date?

Ugh, I'm so bad at those.

I want to say...

April th?

No, that sounds wrong.

Ah.

She does not remember
perfect night together.

I'm so sorry, Thor.

We redo.

Tonight.

Everything exactly the same.

Uh... (CHUCKLES) no.

Jay and I actually have
Valentine's Day plans

that we already moved
once for your first date.

Exactly. So you cancel again.

Which is how original
perfect night began.

(LAUGHS) We're off to great start.

What's happening to our plans?

I think you know.

So, what do you think?

Isn't tonight also Nigel's welcome tea?

Girl, I don't want to step on any toes.

I'm sorry... toes have
already been stepped upon.

By Nigel.

He is throwing a welcome tea

on the one night that happens to be

the half birthday of this
house's most beloved ghost?

(CHUCKLING): That's true.

What was he thinking?

- Plus, I heard him calling jazz American filth.
- (GASPS)

Let's take this limey bastard down.

So you're throwing a competing party

just to spite Nigel?

That sounds like a powder
keg that could explode,

causing tons of unnecessary
drama in the house.

So you're in?

Uh, yeah. Love it.

- Thank you for doing this.
- (GIGGLES)

I would very much like for you...

to come to my party.

Oh! Wow.

Thanks, Hetty.

But I'm supposed to go to Nigel's thing.

Oh, it's making me beg.

THORFINN: This is not right.

Where last night sat two candles,

now there's only one.

Does that really matter?

Yes! Everything must
be exactly the same,

because it will lead to perfect kiss

at the end of perfect night.

Were you wearing that blouse last night?

- Yes.
- Hmm.

It's not great color on you, but...

we play the hand that we are dealt.

We would eat as last
meal before my father

would ride off into battle.

What do they taste like?

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(GROANS)

♪ All you need to get by ♪

♪ Are beers, trucks and wives. ♪

(LAUGHS) Thank you.

I'll take a non-geographical
location and, uh,

something you wouldn't want
your boss to find out about.

Right. Okay. I'm going
to say pirate ship

and, uh... Oh, boy.

(WHISPERS): Staples.

Tables?

Staples.

What?

Last night was staples.

I mean, um... where am I?

Wait, I'm confused.

You actually remember the date?

But date went so well.

Why did you lie?

Because... (SIGHS)

I didn't want it to go well.

I'm sorry.

I got to go.

♪ ♪

Relationships are harrrd.

Sorry, once I fire up this
engine, I can't turn it off.

Okay, okay, I'm here.
The party can begin.

Oh, no.

That was a joke that
was entirely reliant

on the party having already begun.

Where is everyone?

It appears that they're elsewhere.

Your entire house has stood me up.

But why?

(ALBERTA EXCLAIMS)

Oh, another half trip around the sun.

What a ride. (LAUGHS)

Man, you're really dominating
Nigel's welcome tea.

Mm-hmm.

And what is going on here?

SASAPPIS: Hetty's throwing an epic party

on the same night as Nigel's
party, for some reason.

And go.

Hetty, is this true?
Why would you do that?

Nigel said he invited you.

Oh, he did, he did invite me,

after he invited this basement dweller.

Uh, please send Nigel my regrets.

So this is revenge for
some perceived slight?

No, that slight was very real.

You have acted most cruelly

toward someone I care about very much.

And I would not have expected that

from my supposed best friend.

(GASPS)

Isaac, wait.

Okay, can I get a suggestion
of a children's game

and something you wouldn't
want to eat for lunch.

What are you doing?

Saving this party.

Hey, Flower, got a sec?

I don't want to talk about it, Sam.

Well, Thor is devastated,

and I just canceled two
Valentine's dates in a row

to watch my husband choke
down some rams' balls,

- so I think you kind of have to.
- (SIGHS)

What did you mean, you didn't
want the date to go well?

Because, if it went well,

then Thor and I could end up together,

and it might be really amazing
and we could fall in love.

Those are all good things.

No, Sam, don't you see?

Good things don't last.

And I don't want to get hurt again.

Not after what happened with Michael.

Michael? Is that the guy
you mentioned at dinner?

Uh-huh.

You can tell me, Flower.

We met in law school.

You were in law school?

Yeah. Well, not always in law school.

A lot of times, we were outdoors,

walking from one building to another.

Sure.

We were planning a wedding
for after we graduated.

But the universe had other plans.

♪ Tonight you're mine ♪

♪ Completely ♪

(CHUCKLES)

♪ You give your love ♪

♪ So sweetly... ♪

That was my last one-on-one date.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't want to feel
that kind of pain again,

so I never allowed myself to
get close to just one person.

Even Ira.

But last night with Thor,

it made me feel like I
could be happy with just him,

and it was scary.

I'm really grateful you
trusted me with all this, but...

I think there's someone else
you might want to share it with.

That weird basement ghost girl.

- No.
- The mailman?

- Thor. Just tell Thor.
- Right.

I understand if neither of you

feel like talking to me right now,

but I owe you both an apology.

Indeed, you do.

The truth is,

I acted the way I did
because I was jealous.

At first, of course, I was happy

that you and Nigel had gotten together,

but then he moved in,

and I started to worry that
perhaps I might be left behind.

And I may have used the slight

as an opportunity to lash out.

Hetty, I had no idea you felt that way.

If it makes you feel
any better, I must admit

I was a little threatened
by your closeness with Isaac.

It's hard to be the significant other

when there's such a
significant... other.

That may be why I
issued a late invitation.

Huh. So it was a snub.

One I deeply regret.

Oh.

Huzzah!

Our wounds are healing. (LAUGHS)

And apply this knowledge as a salve:

There's enough of old
Higgintoot to go around.

(LAUGHING): Oh, indeed.

- I was being completely silly.
- As was I.

Such a détente calls for tea.

I shall summon Sam to summon Jay.

(LAUGHTER)

You don't regret the late invite.

Half birthday, my ass.

Isaac shall be mine.

Over my dead body.

(BOTH SCOFF)

Yeah, so that's what's
behind my hang-ups

with a two-person thing.

Very sorry that happened.

That is very hard, but...

also, what I'm hearing is that

Thor so great at
dating that it is scary.

(BOTH LAUGH)

The thing is, Flower,

Thor cannot die.

Thor already dead. But...

beyond all that, I
know about pain, Flower.

I know about loss.

You recall powerful testicle story?

Of course.

It was probably the most moving
testicle story I've ever heard.

Thor not saying that no
bad things can ever happen,

but when they do, maybe we
could be there for each other.

Maybe we can.

You saying that you
are open to dating Thor?

Okay. What the hell?

Yes!

Wait.

How will I know you
remember this conversation?

Here's a little secret, Thor.

I may forget a lot of stuff,

but I always remember
the important things.

Like our date.

And that kiss in the hallway.

You remember?

I could use a refresher.

Okay, well, we were in the hallway.

I was faced north very sto...

Come here, you murderous bastard.

Happy Valentine's Day. (CHUCKLES)

Well, happy six days
after Valentine's Day.

I'm sorry that your favorite
restaurant blacklisted us

after we canceled twice in a week.

Ah, that's okay.

No, it's not okay.

You were right... I do need to
say no to the ghosts more often.

Especially when it's about something

that's important to us.

Thank you.

To our ghost-free dinner.

Uh, Sam, is it really ghost-free?

I swear. I called in a favor
to guarantee absolute privacy.

Look, Thor, I just need
Sam to light a candle.

It is time for my aromatherapy.

Sorry. Not on the list.

Come on, I just need
a quick channel change.

And I'm just feeling
kind of lonely right now.

I miss Jay.

ALBERTA: Sam, come on! Let us in!

SASAPPIS: Let me smell the lamb!

- This is nice.
- PETE: Sam!

- Uh-huh.
- ♪ Tonight you're mine ♪

♪ Completely... ♪