06x13 - A Frat Party, a Sleepover and the Mother of All Blisters

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Young Sheldon...

You got a roommate?

No, it's a single.

I have a chaperone.

Why do you need a chaperone?

Maybe they think I'm, like,
some kind of troublemaker.

As the owner of the face
you punched, they're right.

Do you play D&D?

No. I actually just sit in my dorm room

and study because I have no friends.

- That's a bummer.
- Yeah.

I think I'm gonna go.

Bye.

You should go after her.

Why? She's a bummer. You just said so.

ADULT SHELDON: Many
cultures throughout the world

relied on percussion to send messages

across long distances.

For example, the West African dundun

was used to imitate human speech...

(loud music playing)

...while I used my fist,
the wall of my dorm,

and Morse code to send a message.

(four knocks)

That's just the letter
"H." What does that mean?

Yeah?

I'm here to talk to you about your music

and your abysmal Morse code skills.

What?

Four dots is just the letter "H."

Was your message "Huh"?

What?

Paige?

Sheldon?

You know him?

Yeah, no, we go way back.

What are you doing here?

Would you believe me if I
told you I was working on

a femtosecond laser in
the engineering department?

- Yes.
- Then that.

You know she's not old
enough to drink beer.

I'm not old enough to drink beer.

Yeah, one second.

Come here.

Did I convince you
that drinking is wrong?

Good for me.

Just leave me alone.

But what are you doing here?

I'm trying to have fun,

- and I don't want them to know how old I am.
- Why?

Because I want them
to think that I'm cool.

But you're smart.
What's cooler than that?

Just go away.

Hey, we're fixing to play
some beer-pong. You in?

You should know, she is not...

Not had dinner. I have
not had dinner yet, so

we are going to go get some food.

We are?

- Do you have cash?
- Of course.

I always have an emergency ,

plus four quarters for the telephone.

bucks? Okay, you're buying.

We're going the wrong way.

Okay, well, I'm drunk. You lead.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

DINOSAUR (on TV): Here,
take a look at this.

Does this look like tuna to you?

(laughs)

What am I watching?

It's called Dinosaurs.

It's like The Flintstones,
only with dinosaurs. Come on.

Well, that's dumb.

Well, they talk, he's
got a job. It's fun.

Wasn't The Flintstones
just The Honeymooners?

Huh, I never even thought about that.

Well, see, you just
kind of ruined it for me.

Good.

Hey.

Please tell me you
brought some movies home.

- Tootsie.
- Ooh, thank you.

Really? We're supposed to believe

Dustin Hoffman is a woman?

But we believe talking dinosaurs?

Okay, I'll leave you to it.

Little late to start a movie.

It's : .

We're saying the same thing.

So, you want to go home?

Well, I don't know. I
stayed here last night.

So?

So, two nights in a row.

At what point are we living together?

Fine. Go home.

Oh, I'm okay with staying.
You're the independent one.

If you want to stay, stay.
If you want to go, go.

Fine. I'll stay if you're gonna beg.

And this isn't what I wanted.

Are you still inebriated, or can we have

an intelligent conversation?

Both.

You do realize that
alcohol kills brain cells.

Ah, but it also makes life tolerable.

What do you mean?

Well, talking to you
is usually annoying.

So you're what's called
a mean drunk. Noted.

I'm messing with you.

It's just, sometimes life sucks,

and it's easier not to deal with it.

Could you be more specific?

Um... well, I have no friends,

I don't fit in anywhere,
and I dropped out of college

but I'm too young to get a job,

so k*lling brain cells makes it easier.

Huh.

Go ahead, smart guy, fix me.

Mm.

Well, give me a minute. (stammers)

♪ Sweet Tootsie roll... ♪

Well, how do they not
see that's Dustin Hoffman?

I buy it.

So if I put on a wig and lipstick,

you'd think I was a chick?

(chuckles) Only one way to find out.

Nice try.

You do have some pretty
nice legs, though.

Well, if you want, we
could pause the movie,

and I'll let you touch 'em.

Lucky me.

So I'm assuming you haven't
taken the DARE pledge.

The what?

DARE. It's an acronym.

It stands for Drug Abuse
Resistance Education.

It's not too late. You can take it now.

I promise not to do
dr*gs, to avoid v*olence,

to be responsible, and to
make responsible choices.

Now you say it.

No.

I dare you.

Clever, right?

Because I still have all my brain cells.

Sheldon, just eat your pizza.

Hey. You guys going to a party?

Uh, Gamma Kappa house.

Cool.

Mm, you know, Officer
McDaniel was in charge

of our DARE program.

One time, he even brought in
his drug-sniffing dog Alfie.

Which I didn't care for,
but it was nice to see

a dog gainfully employed
and off the streets.

MEEMAW: Really? You're
gonna leave your socks on?

DALE: My feet get cold.

- MEEMAW: Take 'em off.
- DALE: What do you care?

MEEMAW: It feels like
a lack of commitment.

DALE: Aw, fine.

MEEMAW: When was the last
time you cut your toenails?

DALE: I don't know.

MEEMAW: Seriously,
you look like something

that could swoop down
and pick up a squirrel.

(knock on door)

Look who's here. Come on in.

Thanks.

Everything okay?

Mind if I hang out here with y'all?

Come on, mama. (pats couch)

Need a break from Connie?

I'm just trying to give
her and Dale some privacy.

- Gross.
- Oh.

What?

Oh, nasty.

Wait, sex, right?

Yeah.

Missy's at a sleepover

if you want to use her room.

I might take you up on that.

You'll be safe here.
They never do anything.

(rock music playing, lively chatter)

What are we doing here?

It's a party, Sheldon.

But we weren't invited.
I didn't bring a gift.

Then go home.

Wait, this is dangerous.

ADULT SHELDON: There I
stood, the classic hero

outside the dragon's cave.

Should I risk life and
limb to save the maiden?

My every instinct said no.

But I drank a lot of root beer
and really had to go pee-pee.

♪ Let's go! ♪

(rock music playing, lively chatter)

Hell does exist.

Excuse me. Where's the nearest restroom?

Hey, look, Pee-wee
Herman's at our party!

ALL (chanting): Pee-wee!
Pee-wee! Pee-wee!

Pee-wee! Pee-wee!

The hell continues.

Pee-wee! Pee-wee!

(toilet flushes)

Oh, thank goodness.

Come on!

Hey, there's a line.

Oh, boy. New hell.

- (Dale cries out)
- MEEMAW: What?!

- What?!
- Charley horse. Charley horse.

- What-what do I do?
- I don't know. (stammers)

Here, rub it, rub it, rub it.

That's kind of how this
whole thing got started.

- That's not funny.
- Mm-hmm.

You'll laugh later.

DALE: Rub harder. Harder.

MEEMAW: I'm rubbing as hard as I can.

DALE: Well, use your elbow.

- MEEMAW: All right.
- (Dale groaning)

I don't need my toothbrush.

MEEMAW: You like that?

DALE: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

ADULT SHELDON: This night
of depravity had reduced me

to urinating on a tree
like a forest animal.

How much worse could it get?

PAUL: Hey, Pee-wee's back!

ALL (chanting): Pee-wee! Pee-wee! Pee-wee!

Pee-wee!

Excuse me.

I'm looking for my friend.

Blonde girl, about a meter and a half.

(rock music and lively chatter continue)

♪ Suck the poison out... ♪

Excuse me. I'm looking for...

- Missy?
- Sheldon?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Do Mom and Dad know you're here?

Do Mom and Dad know you're here?

Okay, stop. You go first.

Heather's sister goes to school here.

She invited us. Now you.

I'm looking after Paige.

Where is she?

Well, I didn't say I
was doing a great job.

Where's your toothbrush?

I don't want to talk about it.

(phone ringing)

Who the hell calls at this hour?

Hello.

Oh, hi.

- Everything okay?
- Who is it?

- Heather's mom.
- Oh. Is everything okay?

You just heard me ask. Wh-What's up?

No, Heather's not here.
They're at your house.

- Huh.
- What?

Heather told her mom
she was staying here.

(chuckles) Classic.

Paige is drunk?

And high on what
Officer McDaniel's called

Mary Jane, reefer and ganja.

- Is she okay?
- No.

She said her life is terrible.

- What?
- Her life is terrible.

What?

(rock music continues loudly)

(music stops)

Her life is terrible.

(crowd murmuring)

(muttering)

How's your sex cramp, old man?

Athletes get cramps all the time.

It comes from dehydration, overexertion.

I'll give you the dehydration,

but I didn't see any
overexertion, though.

Why, Connie?

'Cause it's fun.

Well, just give me a
minute, I'll be ready.

Why don't we just call it a night

and get some sleep?

That's fine by me, but just to be clear,

- you're calling it, not me.
- Yep.

- I'm good to go.
- I'm sure you are.

Yep.

Damn tootin'. (groans)

I don't know if it's any
help, but when I was her age

and pulled this, it was
just to go to a party.

- (scoffs)
- Oh, great.

So she's at a party, who knows where.

GEORGE SR.: You know what?

- I'm gonna go find her.
- How?

I don't know. I'm just...
I'm gonna drive around

- till I hear some carousing.
- I'll go with you.

Will you both just stop for a minute?

There's nothing to do but wait.

Fine.

Nope. Georgie, let's go.

Let's check out that creek in the woods

where they found the headless body.

GEORGE SR.: Will you shut up.

(sighs) Now what do we do?

We can't just leave.
Paige is still in there.

Maybe we should call Mom.

I do have four quarters
for that exact reason.

Paige?

Wait!

What are you doing?

Well, this is Bradley, and
we're going to another party.

Another party? It's : .

Bradley, do you know how old she is?

She said she was .

Lower.

Sixteen?

Lower.

Okay, I got to go.

Thanks a lot.

Come on.

We're running again?

We just ran.

I'll tell you what.

My daughter's never
gonna put me through this.

Oh, really? How you figure?

I'm gonna run a tight ship.
Set some rules, some boundaries.

If she breaks them,
then she faces the...

Oh, what do you call it? Repercussions.

(snickers)

Why you smiling?

I just can't wait till you're a dad.

Thank you.

"Repercussions."

It's a word. Look it up.

(sighs)

MISSY: Hurry!

This is as fast as I
can go in sensible shoes.

(Paige retching)

(groans)

- You okay?
- No.

- Oh, dear.
- What?

I'm going to have the
mother of all blisters.

(sighs)

- I'm worried about you.
- Thank you.

Well, don't be.

- I'm having fun.
- You're drunk

and you were about to get in
the car with some stranger.

- So? He was cute.
- What's wrong with you?

You're smarter than Sheldon.
Why don't you act like it?

- Um...
- I am.

If that was true, then how come
my pizza's still in my stomach

and yours is in the fountain?

(groans)

What good is being smart
if you're all alone?

Let's go to Sheldon's so
I can get you cleaned up.

(groans softly) Thanks.

Just so you know, you're not alone.

You've got me.

I thought we were trying
to make her feel better.

(music playing quietly over radio)

I'll tell you another idea I
have for keeping my kid in line.

- Oh, can't wait.
- I seen this show where they put

these electric trackers
on these dolphins.

And with satellites, they can
tell exactly where they are.

Dolphins?

Go on.

I'm gonna stick one of
them things in my kid

so I always know where she is.

So you're gonna keep
track of your daughter

like she's an animal.

Damn straight.

Actually a really good idea.

Missy's a good kid. I'm sure she's okay.

(sighs)

I was a good kid.

Didn't stop me from
getting into trouble.

(chuckles) Me, too.

One time, I was at this party and...

Actually, never mind.

The important thing is we survived.

Yes, we did.

(inhales deeply)

You just want your children
to have an easier time of it.

Easier.

My baby's gonna have a broke
single mom and a teenage dad.

Mm-hmm.

Let me get you some more tea.

Okay.

- You know what else is nice?
- Hmm?

I get to learn from all
your parenting mistakes.

I'm starting to think

letting you live this
long was one of 'em.

Like that. I'd never say
something so awful to my kid.

(scoffs)

Thanks, big guy.

(crickets chirping)

You awake?

Mm-hmm.

I've been thinking.

We don't have to spend
every night together.

Wow.

You're preaching to
the choir there, Connie.

I've been lying awake here for an hour,

wishing I were back home in my own bed.

Really?

Everything's the way I like it there.

Got a TV in the bedroom

and leave the seat up on the toilet.

And thermostat's not
set to storing meat.

I did turn the toilet paper around

so it comes over the
top like you like it.

Like the world likes it.

- Don't start on this again.
- (chuckles)

- Hee-hee.
- (chuckling)

So, we got a plan?

We got a plan.

Mm.

(sighs)

(grunts)

So I'll spend tomorrow
night at my place.

Yep.

(sighs): Oh, thank God.

Where you going?

Think I might have to crank up the AC.

DALE: 'Cause I said "thank God"?

MEEMAW: No fooling you.

(quietly): Okay, she's asleep.

I put a trash can by the
bed in case she gets sick.

Where am I supposed to sleep?

On the floor.

Why can't she sleep on the floor?

She doesn't even know where she is.

I don't have time for this.

I have to find Heather
before I lose my ride home.

- Fine.
- But first,

we have to get our story straight

about where I was tonight.

There's only one story,
and it's straight:

you were here.

No, I wasn't.

I was at Heather's,
and you didn't see me.

- Got it?
- First I have to sleep on the floor

and now I have to lie for you?

How 'bout this?

Work with me, and I will
officially owe you one.

One what?

I don't know. One anything.

"Anything" is awfully vague.

- What say we draw up a contract or...
- Sheldon, you went

to a frat party; now there's
a drunk girl in your bed.

That's the coolest college
story you'll ever get to tell.

So I can tell Mom.

No. Someday.

When?

Someday when we're old
and we can laugh about it.

I got to go.

(sighs)

ADULT SHELDON: years later,

still not laughing.

(crickets chirping)

What are you doing out here?

It's the middle of the night.

I can't sleep not knowing where she is.

Yeah.

(grunting)

(sighing)

So we're on the same page,
when she does show up,

I'm gonna k*ll her.

You're gonna have to b*at me to it.

Not saying I love her the most,

but if anything happened to Missy...

She is your little girl.

Not so little anymore.

Hmm.

And I hate it.

Well, pretty soon, you're
gonna have a granddaughter.

Start all over again.

- (chuckles)
- (snorts)

You know, I had an idea.

I'm gonna put a tracker on
her, like they do with dolphins.

- You're making that up.
- No, it's true.

Yeah, wherever she goes...

Timbuktu, doesn't matter...

We're there.

(snorts)

(both sigh)

(door opens)

- MISSY: I'm home!
- (door closes)

(footsteps approaching)

Hey.

Hey to you.

How was Heather's?

Uh, fun.

Pizza, movies...

The usual.

You look tired.

I didn't sleep too well.

Oh. Sorry.

Well, I'm gonna go to my room.

What happened to k*lling her?

- I'll get to it.
- (door closes)

Just so relieved she's okay.

(slurps, smacks lips)

Okay, I'm good. Missy!

Wait for me!