01x06 - Nubian vs Nubian

[bunniefuu]

I ain't gonna hurt you.

Just making a long-overdue
withdrawal.

But get out of the f*cking way.

- Groundhawk!
- Oh, f*ck.

You used to be a hero,

and you used to be a friend.

Kick rocks.

I put my life on the line
over and over again.

And what did I get
in return, huh?

My name on the news?
Screw that.

It's time I got something
a little more.

A little more money.

But I can't let you do this.

Then stop me, pal.

Looks like you could use a hand.

Nice moves. You're...

Nubia. Queen of Thunder.

I'm Nubian Prince.

Prince of Nubia.

Well, isn't that a coincidence?

You want to take
this bird down together?

Ooh, I thought you'd never ask.

Bring it!

Yeah...

Your
place or mine?

Boy, where'd that accent go?

Girl,
I'm from Bakersfield.

I'm gonna... gonna...

gonna...

I cannot f*cking believe
you did that to me!

Oh, you can't believe it?
You were the one that kept

hitting me with
the friendly f*cking fire!

It was an accident.

You hit me in the nuts, Nubia.

You have any idea what
a thunderclap

- to the balls feels like?
- Ugh.

Don't be such a f*cking p*ssy.

Well, there needs to be
some p*ssy around here.

I'm sure not getting any.

Well, you'd get some p*ssy
if you started

pulling your weight, Gerald.

This is exactly
what Dr. Krause said.

You're always trying
to neuter me.

See? This isn't working, NP.

W-Well, look, uh, hold on, okay?
Except for my balls,

Martin Luther King
and Malcolm X,

that battle went great.

Look, Ashley sent
the media report.

Our numbers are
through the roof.

It's too late.
Just sign the papers.

I need you to sign
the f*ckin'... Maya! Hey!

We didn't see you there.

Sorry we raised our voices,
honey.

Tough day at the office.

You were fighting again.

Sweetheart, being
a Supe couple is tough.

You belong to the world,
and your relationship is

bigger than the two of you.

And even if you want
something different,

you can't have it.

You're trapped.
It's suffocating.

And sometimes all you need
is a little patience

while you work through
deeply painful childhood trauma.

But no one will give it to you,
and your home becomes

an empty tomb of despair.

I definitely want to
f*ck you now, Gerald.

Okay, all right, why don't we
go finish your homework

while Mommy tries
to make dinner.

Can you do that, Mommy?

This m*therf*cker.

And the
t*rrorists were vaporized.

Their cries of horror
echoing through the trees

as their blood settled
on the pristine snow.

The end.

Daddy, are you and Mommy
getting a divorce?

No. Of course not, honey, no.

I'm not stupid, Dad.
You fight all the time.

Well, maybe we just
love fighting.

But we also still
love each other.

And no matter what happens,
we'll always love you.

See? Here's Mommy

to kiss you good night.
Everything is fine.

Baby, Daddy and Mommy
are getting a divorce,

and Gerald's buying you a pony.

Nighty-night.

Mommy's got
some sulfur burns,

so she's gonna take a bath.

Keep doing your homework,
sweetie.

f*ck you, f*ck off.

Leave a f*cking message.

Mailbox
is full.

Hello? Uh...
Mr. Groundhawk...

It's my f*cking day
off, you Vaught cock-knuckles!

I'm not from Vaught.
My name is Maya. Maya Nubian.

- You a little kid?
- I'm not a little kid.

- I'm eight.
- Jesus.

Don't soil yourself.
Door's open.

It's locked.

Oh, for
f*ck's sake! Watch your eyes.

Eh, sorry about that, kid.

I'm not really good
at doorknobs.

- What, your parents send you?
- No.

I need your help.

Jesus f*ckin' Christ.
All right.

Come on in.
You want a soda or something?

It's not like this can
look bad to anyone.

I'm not a pedo, by the way.
I don't even have fingers.

I'm not a g*dd*mn pedo,
Benjamin!

Whoa, this place is a dump. Ugh.

Thanks, kid.

Whoa, dude!

What happened to your VS5?

I have anger issues.

Listen, kid,
what are you doing here?

I gotta get back to
staring into the void

and trying not to fatally
injure myself when I pee.

My parents are
getting a divorce.

- I heard.
- You heard?

Aw, look, kid,
truth is we work together.

All that good guy/bad guy stuff
is just bullshit

to sell backpacks
and lunch boxes.

That fight where your folks met,

that was all a setup.

It was as fake as
your dad's accent.

Vaught even wrote
our lines for us.

Mine were f*ckin' stupid,
by the way.

I know.

My mom kept her scripts.

I need you to fight them again

- so they remember
they love each other.
- Hmm.

My parents got divorced
when I was about your age.

They tried and all, but their
kid had hammers for hands,

and kept putting holes
in their shitty trailer home.

It was better for all of us.

My parents are only happy
when they're fighting.

Uh, I mean together.

They're only happy when they're
fighting bad guys together.

Well, it is a good time.

- So you'll do it?
- Sorry, kid.

Please?
I'll give you all this.

I'm not taking your money.

I'll come over
and open sodas for you

- whenever you want.
- f*ck, that's worse.

I guess I'll have to
tell everyone you're a pedo,

and you lured me here
with a broken VS5.

Aw, f*ckin' hell!
I knew it'd look bad.

Oh...

Fine! I obviously don't
have sh*t going on,

and I can't jack off

so I may as well
cr*ck some heads.

LeBron James, I guess.

You can have the house,
I'll take the Stingray,

we'll split the 401.

Uh-uh. No way. I am not
giving you the Stingray

so you can go finger-pop
some young American's assh*le

in the bucket seat; f*ck that.

- Mom, Dad!
- Maya?

- Help! Help me!
- Maya!

- Oh, my God. Maya!
- What the f*ck?!

Put Maya down right
f*cking now, Groundhawk.

You know what?
I'm sick of your bullshit,

Nubians. Fight me!

What? You're not even
in our continuity this season,

you crazy m*therf*cker.

Come on, fight me, Gerald.

Or do you need
that bitch's permission?

- I don't need
my wife's permission.
- You want a fight?

You got it, you egg-layin'
m*therf*cker!

Oh, oh, sh*t, kid. Are you...

Get down here and fight me.

Come up here and fight me,
hammer d*ck.

You know I can't.

Oh, well, I guess
I'm gonna have to go down

and get him, huh?

Thank you, my Prince.

Mmm.

This is going great.

Yes!

Oh... hey...

Wait. Stop!
I made him do it.

I said I'd call him a pedo.

He's a pedo?
As in a pedophile?

Like that dude
from Seventh Heaven?

- Damn, that sh*t f*cked me up.
- I knew it!

Uh-huh.

Yeah, whoo!

- Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.
- Oh, my God.

- Yes! That's my Prince!
- Oh, g*dd*mn!

m*therf*cker.
Ooh, yeah!

- Gerald! Gerald!
- Nubia. Nubia!

- Whoo, yes!
- Go make me some tacos!

Tacos! Tacos!
Taco Tuesday!

Mm.

Mm.

Did your trifling ass forget
to buy coffee again?

sh*t, since when was I
supposed to do that?

Since I told you yesterday

to buy the f*cking coffee,
Gerald!

Honey, are those
our divorce papers?

It'll be better for all of us.

♪ Gonna take my horse...

And, I'm looking at both
your trifling asses.

I want that m*therf*cking pony.

♪