01x02 - Christmas with the Joker

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

INMATES: (SINGING)
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one horse open slay, hey!

Jingle Bells, Batman smells
Robin laid an egg

The Batmobile lost a wheel
And the Joker got away!

(JOKER CACKLING)

Crashing through the roof
In a one-horse open tree

Busting out I go
Laughing all the wheeeee!

(JOKER LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

ROBIN: Come on, Batman,
it's Christmas Eve.

Let's kick back and get into the spirit.

BATMAN: The Joker's escaped
from Arkham Asylum, Robin.

And you really think he's gonna
make his move on Christmas Eve?

Even scum spend the holidays
with their families.

BATMAN: He has no family.

Okay, I'll make a deal with you.

If we go out on patrol, and Gotham
is quiet with no sign of the Joker,

we come back here, have Christmas dinner
and watch It's a Wonderful Life.

You know, I've never seen that.
I could never get past the title.

It's a deal, then?

Deal.

(JAZZY CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

(BELL RINGING)

(come CLINK)

Doesn't it warm your heart to see
everyone in the spirit of Christmas?

Bah Humbug to you, too.

You just can't believe
there's no use for us for one night.

There.

Hey, lady, hold up.

You dropped this package
a couple blocks back.

Oh, it's for my grandson.
Thanks so much.

Merry Christmas.

Now can we go home?

He could give lessons
to Scrooge.

ALFRED: The Christmas goose
will be ready shortly.

You know, we really should've done
one more sweep of the city.

Now just relax, Bruce.

You're gonna love It's a Wonderful Life.
It's a great movie.

It's not relentlessly cheerful, is it?

d*ck: No, it's about how much
of a difference

one man can make to a city.

Sound familiar?

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING)

Uh, wrong channel.

Some kind of Christmas special.

ANNOUNCER: It's a Wonderful Life
will not be seen this year.

In its place is the following.

Joker here.
Greetings, Gotham, and merry Christmas.

I hope you're watching, Batman.
This one's for you.

(CACKLING)

(PEDESTRIANS SCREAMING)

JOKER:
Live from Gotham City,

the show that nobody wants to see
but everyone will watch.

Yes, it's Christmas with the Joker!

And now, let's welcome our host,
the Clown Prince of Crime,

the Joker!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Greetings from Gotham City.

And welcome to the first annual
Christmas with the Joker.

(APPLAUDING CONTINUES)

Oh, thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.

(JOKER CHUCKLES)

Have I got a show for you tonight.

It's loaded with surprises
and mystery guests and Christmas jeer.

ROBIN: Well, Batman,
you were sure right about the Joker.

Any leads?

I've accessed Gotham's
electrical mainframe.

And I'm zeroing in on the power surges

to pinpoint the location
of Joker's broadcast signal.

-(BEEPING)
- That's it.

I don't know, Batman, it seems too easy.

BATMAN: It's never easy with the Joker.

Oh, Batman, I hope you're watching

'cause I've got
a very special surprise for you.

Rumor has it, Christmas is a time
to share with family.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And since I don't have one of my own...

AUDIENCE: Aww!

I decided to steal one.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And here they are,
the awful Lawful family.

Aren't they just the cutest
family you've ever seen?

It's never easy with the Joker.

Meet Daddy Lawful.

You diseased maniac! I'll--
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

Hmm.

Looks like I'll have to teach
Daddy some manners.

And here's Mommy Lawful.

(GASPS) Help!
Somebody please help us. We--

(MUFFLED SCREAMS)

Ho, ho, ho. Isn't she jolly?

And here we have little Baby Lawful.

Coochie, coochie, coo.

When I get my hands on you,
I'll rip your--

(MUFFLED SPEAKING)

I'll bet Batman wishes
he had a familyjust like mine.

Personally, I think
relatives are a bore,

so Batman can have them
if he can find them by midnight.

(AUDIENCE GASPS)

Otherwise...

(IMITATES THROAT SLITTING)

(JOKER CACKLING)

Hold tight, we're almost there.

Hi, I'm Laffy,
Joker's helpful little elf.

I'm here to present Batman
with a very special Christmas surprise.

Uh-oh, here it comes.

Gee, Joker, it's sure nice of you
to get Bat Breath a present.

Ho, ho, I'm just that kind of guy.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It's an exact replica of Gotham City.

It has everything,
even trains and bridges.

Bridges? I just love blowing up bridges.

Well, in that case,

let's go live to Donner and Blitzen
at the President's Bridge.

Greetings, Donner.

How about singing us a merry tune
while you blow up the bridge?

Sure, boss.

(SINGING) Jingle Bells, Batman smells
Robin laid an egg

That was great!

The fun has just begun.

The 11:30 train
will be along any minute.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

We've gotta stop that train.

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

Oh, look, Laffy, Mommy Lawful
has something to say.

What's up, Mommy?

My mother's on that train.

Your mother?
Well, that's different, then.

Yeah, it'll be even
more exciting when it crashes.

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

You uncouple the passenger cars.
I'll get the engineer.

(METAL CREAKING)

The bridge is out. Come on.

Bah Humbug.
I hate Batman and Robin.

Then let's get rid of them.

Oh, boy, let's build a snowman.

(CACKLING)

We've isolated
the Joker's broadcast signal.

It's coming from the observatory
on Mount Gotham.

BATMAN: There, the radar antenna.

ROBIN: What's that?

Careful, Robin. I'm sure there's
more to this than meets the eye.

(RUSTLING)

JOKER'. Merry Christmas, Batman.

I'm so glad you could join us.

What's your game, Joker?

JOKER: Oh, just a little holiday
entertainment, Batman.

I'm sure all the folks at home will
enjoy sharing this special occasion.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
live from the top of Mount Gotham,

the death of Batman.

When you care enough
to send the very blast.

We'll return in just a moment,
but first a word from our sponsor.

Robin, try and get inside
the observatory.

I'll draw its fire.

Whoops. Looks like we're experiencing
technical difficulty.

But don't worry, folks,
we're still on the air.

Oh, no! Our cannon seems
to be out of control.

Gotham City could be in serious danger.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(JOKERS CACKLING)

Batman, Robin here.

Robin, Operation Cause and Effect.

Gotcha.

Batman?

I'm fine. But we're not any closer
to finding Joker's hideout.

What's our next move?

To be quite honest, I don't know.

Batman, it's almost midnight.
We have to do something.

It's up to the Joker now.
Only a miracle can save the hostages.

JOKER'. Arrgh! Where's that Bat fella?
And that Robin fella?

Ooh, they're gonna spoil my Christmas.

What's the matter? Can't they figure
anything out? Time's up.

I'm rubbing everybody out at midnight.

But wait, we have
another present to open.

Let's not keep Mommy Lawful waiting.

Too bad Batman is such a party pooper.

Maybe he doesn't know how to get here.

All dressed up with nowhere to go.

Well, I wonder what Mommy Lawful
is getting for Christmas.

Ooh! The suspense is k*lling me.

Is it? Can it be? Oh, yes!
It's a Betty Blooper doll.

And what do Better Blooper dolls do?

Why, you just wind them up...

And they wreak havoc on Gotham City.

(CACKLING)

I haven't seen
one of those dolls in years.

They don't make dolls like that anymore,

not since the Laffco toy factory
went out of business 14 years ago.

Third and Main, downtown.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Look sharp, Robin.

(LAUGHING)

(CLASSICAL CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

Where's that music coming from?

Good question.

(CACKLING)

BATMAN: Look out!

Stand ready. More on the way.

Stand clear, Robin.

They don't call you
"Batman" for nothing.

(g*n COCKS)

sn*pers!

Where'd he go?

There he is.

- Huh?
- What?

Look out!

BOTH: Whoa!

TEDDY: I love you very much.

Keep your eyes open for the Joker.

I'll save you the trouble, Batman.

Come and get your Christmas present,
or the kiddies get it.

Let them go, Joker. It's me you want.

Merry Christmas, Batman.

Well, go on, open it.

Don't do it, Batman!

Easy, Robin.

(JOKER CACKLING)

JOKER: Oh, I can't stand it.

Robin, take care of 'em.

(JOKER GROANS)

(JOKER LAUGHS)

Run, run as fast as you can.
You'll not catch me, I'm the Joker man.

(JOKER YELPING)

(GASPS)

Merry Christmas, Joker.

Bah Humbug.

It was nice of Commissioner Gordon

to give you that recording
of It's a Wonderful Life.

And it is a wonderful life.

It has its moments.

(BELL TOLLING)

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING)

(SINGING)
Don we now our gay apparel

Fa-Ia-Ia, Ia-Ia-Ia, Ia-Ia-Ia

(CACKLING)

Merry Christmas.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)