01x05 - Race Off

[bunniefuu]

- Yo, pooh bear.
- We watching you, sucker.

- Man, we run this bitch.
- Yeah.

And when you work with your best
friend, it's not even like work.

I feel the same way, bro.
When working is hard work, I stop working.

You know what we should do?

Come up with a catchphrase, so we can say
it when we do something cool like that.

It should be, like, a
combination of our names or...

- Ste-Zel.
- That's it.

How did you just come up with that?

- I'm black.
- Man, you are cool.

Help! Help!

No, no, no, no! Please, no!

Ow, ow, no!

Oh, my God!

Get out of here! Go on! What happened here?

I was just minding my business when
this moose sexually assaulted me.

I'm gonna report this to the
National Park service, congress.

I'll sue your...

What are you doing?
No, no, no, no. Not again, no.

Now we're gonna ask you one more time.
What happened here?

Nothing. Nothing happened. Nothing at all.

And whose fault was it?

It was mine. All my fault.

You were asking for it, weren't you?

Walking around dressed like a whore.

- Ain't that right?
- Whatever you say.

I should have never worn this outfit.

Good answer.

Ste-Zel.

Brickleberry...

What's the emergency?

Woody hasn't used the siren in years.

It's got to be something major.

It better be. I was having a good dream.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. I had the same dream.

Oh, yeah.

Ste-Zel.

Condition red armageddon shitstorm, people.

The Secretary of the Interior is coming
for a surprise inspection today!

Actually, it's not a surprise.
I put it on his calendar six months ago.

Did you write "check calendar"
on the g*dd*mn calendar?

- Yes.
- Oh, you did, huh?

Okay, we only got a few hours to
get this crap hole into shape

before Sanders gets here.
Ladies, sweep the Park for dead animals.

Sanders? You don't mean
Kirk Sanders, do you?

Yeah, yeah. Kirk Sanders.

Ah!

Now that's a go-get-'em attitude.

Steve, I want you to start a forest fire.

I'll do it without question, Sir.

Quick question. Why am I doing this?

Because, stupid, when I put
the fire out, I'll be a hero.

I'll get a promotion.

Or at least get some of
those w*r crimes expunged.

- Yo, Woody, what's my job?
- Since when do you want a job?

If this place shuts down, I don't get paid.

I didn't want to tax you, Denzel.

Just smile and try to be articulate.

- What do you mean "articulate"?
- I'm sorry. Way over your head.

It means well-spoken.

I know what it means, you ignorant bastard.

I want something important to do.
I'll be in charge of starting that fire.

Okay, okay.
I'm sure you can do the job, Denzel.

- Sorry if I was racially insensitive.
- Thank you.

Of course you're qualified to start fires.

How else would he celebrate
an NBA championship?

Ah! Wood-Loy!

Man, screw those guys.

I don't burn things because
my teams win championships.

I do it for the insurance money.

Oh, my God. A real black man.

I hope it's not too much to ask,

but I'd consider it an honor if you'd
bitch slap me as hard as you can.

What? Get yo ass out of here.

Denzel, that's rude.

"Bitch slap. " That's offensive.

I should slap that bitch.

Steve, you have no idea what's it like to
be the only black person for miles around.

Everyone staring at me,
like I'm a criminal!

What? I don't see what you're so mad at.

So people enjoy looking at you.

You're, like, a...

- Like a monkey in the zoo?
- Exactly, you're like a monkey in the zoo.

Perfect analogy.

Do you know how r*cist that is?

r*cist? Come on.
We both know there's no racism anymore.

It ended the day Martin Luther
King landed on the moon.

Man, you don't know what
you're talking about.

I would love to be black
in today's society.

You set all the trends, and
you get to say the "N" word.

You have no idea how many times
I've wanted to say the "N" word.

You know what, Steve?
I need some time away from your dumb ass.

- Wait. You're not mad at me, are you?
- Oh, no. I'm not mad.

Okay, now you're sending mixed signals.

Uh, have you noticed this Park has
more dead animals than live animals?

It might have something
to do with this... tree.

Woody let them install it so he
could get free text messaging.

Good-bye, endangered friend.

So, Connie, have you been taking your meds?

Because I noticed you went a little
more bat-sh*t crazy than usual

when Woody mentioned
the name Kirk Sanders.

Kirk Sanders! Ah!

Mm, mm-hmm. Like that.

There's something about me you don't know.

Before I came to Brickleberry, I
was trained to be a Navy Seal.

Sanders was my C.O.

I was actually really good at it.

But Sanders discovered my weakness.

And he used it against me.

Holy Jesus.

What is that? What the (Bleep) Is that?

Sir, a four-course
Thanksgiving dinner, Sir.

Why did you hide an entire Thanksgiving
dinner in your footlocker?

Sir, I eat when I get nervous, Sir.

So you like Thanksgiving dinner?

Well, from now on, you will be
eating Thanksgiving dinner 24/7!

All the weight I gained sort
of affected my performance.

These men are dead because of you!

Now eat! They paid for it. You eat it.

And I've had a slight
weight problem ever since.

That man ruined my life.

Oh, your life's not so bad. You work here.

This should go up nice and quick. Whoosh!

Hey, Denzel.
I just want to apologize for earlier.

I don't know what it's like to
be in your shoes. We okay now?

- Yeah, we cool.
- Oh, and I got you this.

It's a pimp cup. It seemed weird
that you didn't already have one.

- You did not just give me a pimp cup.
- What? You don't like it?

Yeah, of course I like it.
But that's beside the point.

To your right, Mr.
Secretary of the Interior,

you'll see that the
mountains are still there.

- Feel free to count them.
- Hmm.

Does that bear have a pilot's license?

No, but don't worry.
I'm not as drunk as he is.

Ooh, a fire.

Can you believe the luck?
Hold onto your hat. This might be heroic.

Just have to hit the water drop button.

Poom!

- That was the fuel dump button!
- Whoops.

You think all black people
walk around with pimp cups?

- I thought you were smarter than that.
- That's unfair!

What have I ever done to make you
think I'm smarter than that?

- Wait, is that gas?
- You're right. Holy cow!

It's raining gas. We're gonna be rich!

Ste-Zel.

Man. What happened?

Just relax now. You've both suffered
fourth- and fifth-degree burns.

You did very well in surgery,
but I'm afraid there

was a teensy, tiny mistake
with the skin grafts.

Mistake? Wait, wait, wait.
What kind of mistake?

I went ahead and took 3% off your bill.

Whenever you're ready.

White? Why the hell am I white?

Hey, honest mix-up.
You were both burnt to a crisp.

We knew that one of you
was African-American,

and your friend was the
one holding the pimp cup.

That was all the evidence we needed.

Isn't this great, Denzel?

I get a chance to experience
life the way you do,

and you get to discover how
lame it is to be white.

I already know it's lame
to be white, Steve!

Ah, from now on, I'm black Steve.

- I'm not gonna call you black Steve.
- Ah, you just did.

- Holler.
- Ugh.

Doc, look. You got to get me back into
some beautiful black skin, right now.

Ooh, smallish problem. We're all out.

Your friend, black Steve, is very fat.

Aw, man, I can't be white.
Anything but white.

Tell you what, I've got a roll of
Mexican I've been trying to get rid of.

No, no, no. White is fine. Thank you.

As any numb nuts can see, the cause
of the fire was not natural.

I'm certain we are dealing with
something far more sinister.

Arson.

What kind of depraved monster
would do something like this?

Hmm, for some reason, I have
the feeling he has a mustache.

Most arsonists have a mustache.

Mustache? Arsonist?

Very funny, Malloy.

You little bastard.

My hand to heaven, whoever's behind
this is gonna get the chair!

Hey! I know you.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

You are that man hooker in
Hanoi that I went down on.

That's right.
I'm a male prost*tute from Hanoi.

- Thanks for going down on me.
- You're welcome.

Woo, you put on a couple pounds,
didn't you, Phuong Kim?

Wait. You're not vietnamese.

Now I remember you!

You are that waste of space
that washed out of my program.

I knew that you would wind up
in a garbage dump like this.

Who's the nerd?

Malloy, I know he looks like a lame,
white douche, but it's Denzel.

Hey, no matter what color
I am on the outside,

on the inside, I'll always
be a dignified black man.

That makes two of us.

- What's up, n*gg*r*s?
- What? n*gg*r*s?

Oh, hell no.

You ain't allowed to say our
word, you white bread cr*cker.

See, Denzel, when Steve says
it, it's empowering and cool,

when we say it, it's a slur.

We? Are you crazy? I'm black!

- No, not really.
- Not so much.

- You watch your mouth, white boy.
- Hey!

See? Don't make black
Steve have to pop off!

Stop talking like that.

- Back up, back up! Back that ass up!
- Fellas! We don't need a race riot here.

But if we have one, I'd
like you to know right now

that I'm siding with the blacks.

I'm sure baby powder over here didn't
mean anything by it, black Steve.

Stop calling him black Steve!

You need to be cool like menthol's,
relaxed like Jheri Curl, baby.

Listen, Woodrow, black
Steve's gots to bounce.

I need to adjust to the
dubious ramifications,

of my unexpected color-ification.

- Malloy, translation.
- He wants the day off because he's black.

- Sounds fair.
- A day off sounds like a good idea.

I think I need some
counseling or some sh*t.

Denied! You've got work to do, Snowflake.

Aw, man. This sucks.

Huh. We need to get you a new look.

Jive turkey.

Word up.

Hmm, how about a retro look?

Swing low...

Sweet chariot...

Hmm. I like it, but I need
a style that's all my own.

That's it.

Wow. Who are you?

- Black Steve, baby.
- Do you mind if I touch your hair?

Not at all.

See, Denzel! There's no racism.

- These people love me.
- You look dumb as hell.

Well, might as well embrace my new culture.

Bikram yoga.

Babybjorn.

Arcade Fire.

Gluten-free.

Ah!

Bro, you forgot your...

Caramel Macchiato.

I can't take being white!
I got to get back to my roots.

Nah, look out! He's gonna grab you!

Hey, reading rainbow!
Don't let them put you on that sl*ve ship!

- What are you two doing?
- And let the nagging begin.

I don't nag. I'm sick and tired
of you saying that I nag.

Oh, great. Now I sound like a nag.

- More like a bitch.
- Will you pipe down?

I'm trying to spy on Sanders.

He's got the arson evidence in his cabin.

Good. I hope that pathetic dickhole fries.

I am the dickhole who ordered that fire!

- Mm-hmm. That changes nothing.
- Hey, this affects you too, Ethel.

If the FBI traces it back
to Denzel and Steve,

all three of us would go up the
river and you'll be out of a job.

I'll be homeless.

Steve will be getting
sodomized in the (Bleep)Hole.

Oddly, that's a push.

I need to steal that evidence.

But Sanders is a pro.
Only a ninja could get past him.

Yeah, I know. Too bad Denzel's white now.

I said "ninja."

We don't have a ninja, but
we do have a Navy Seal.

I won't do it.

Oh, so I guess you don't
want to keep your job.

Eh.

Don't you want to keep Woody out of jail?

Stupid question.

Connie, think about it, this is the
Seal mission you never got to perform.

You'll finally have the chance to prove
to him that you do have what it takes.

Prove to who? Kirk Sanders?

Kirk Sanders?

I love doing that to her.

Black Steve, you're my hero.
Look over here, black Steve.

Yoo-hoo, black Steve.

What seems to be the problem, bacon grease?

Your brake lights are out
and your tags are expired.

- And?
- Look, I'm almost done with my shift.

I'm just gonna let you off with a warning.

A warning? Oh, I see how it is.

A black man can't get a ticket, huh?

Denzel was right. Racism is real.

Well, Whitey just pissed
off the wrong brother.

Ass-salami steak 'ums, my brothers,
this morning, I was a black man,

but now, I'm an angry black man.

I was the victim of police
discrimination and humiliation.

They refused to give me a ticket
because of the color of my skin.

I'm confused by your message.

- I can't believe people are buying this.
- Well, I'm lost.

First you were mad that Steve
didn't think there was racism,

now you're mad that he does.

He got off with a warning.

Take it easy, egg white.

- We need to support black Steve.
- Man, whatever.

I said to myself, "black Steve,
it's time to take a stand."

Like when Harriet Tubman
blew up the challenger.

- All right. All right.
- Ah, my longtime friend, Denzel.

I'm not your friend. I hate you.

This man does not represent the black race!

What does he know about the black race?
He's not even black.

I am black, bitch!

Take your hands off me, you white devil!

Well Connie, it's go time. Now get psyched.

- Hooyah, hooyah, hooyah!
- Ow! You broke my g*dd*mn nose!

Warning. I only got a warning.

Let's break down that word.

Warn... to give notice,
advice, or intimidation!

Ing.

I do not know what "ing" means, but
if I had to guess, I'd say it means

"(bleep) Black people!"

Man, I am sick of that race-baiting idiot.

Now, Denzel, we need to put
ourselves in his shoes.

- We don't know his struggles.
- He's only been black for a week.

It might have been a tough week.
We don't know.

Wow, you guys are tolerant.
Maybe I misjudged this town.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just because we talk like Morons,

don't mean we ain't got a nuanced
understanding of social justice.

Personally, I always thought this
town could use a few more synagogues.

All right, I get it, but black
Steve don't bother you at all?

I can relate to his message.

We didn't land on Fraggle Rock,
Fraggle Rock landed on us.

Aw, man.

There's got to be a way
to teach Steve a lesson.

That's it. Hey, guys.

You want to help me play
a joke on my friend?

What kind of joke?

Man, come on now.
Don't y'all have white sheets?

That was a white sheet.

I'm a bit of a bed wetter.

Ugh.

All right, guys. Now look.
We're not gonna hurt him.

We'll just give him a good scare, okay?

Yee-haw!

Ow, ow, ow, ow! Come on, boys.

We gonna catch us a black Steve.

Yee-haw!

Where ya headed boy?

I'm off to the square
glasses and bow tie store.

- Get him!
- Unhand me at once!

- Who are you?
- We the KKK, bitch.

Triple "K"? I thought you guys just
provided emergency road services.

Ah!

You can do this, Connie.

Thank you, Ethel. Kiss for good luck?

No.

Fingerblast?

Okay, I'm going.

I did it. Take that, Sanders.

What's going on? This thing is supposed
to be able to hoist a Sherman t*nk.

Uh-oh, Ethel. I shouldn't have
eaten those deviled eggs.

What?

What the... aah! Mustard gas!

Ethel! Help!

Well, what do we have here?
A flying humpback whale?

I'm not flying.

So trying to pull a cover-up, are you?

You are way out of your league,
you disgusting fat-ass!

Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa.

You will never amount to anything.

Because you are a fat piece of...

Shiii...!

Oh...

Oh, Jesus! He's dead.

You know what this means?

I completed a mission.
I can be a Navy Seal.

- No fingerblast, Connie.
- Aw.

- What are you gonna do to me?
- Oh, I think you know.

Oh, God. Being black isn't
so much fun anymore.

That's right. It's not all pimp cups
and b*tches is it, black Steve?

Up here's a clearing.
It's the perfect spot for a...

Klan rally!

Oh, sh*t.

Hey, brothers. Welcome.
Better late than never.

I love the new outfits. Very 2012.

Oh, you know what?
We left our giant rebel flag in the truck.

Oh, we got extras.
Looks like you brought us a present.

Oh, my God.

Is that black Steve Williams,
the civil rights leader?

You guys are all right. Grab him.

Wait, everybody.
Are you sure you want to do this?

Absolutely. Any last words?

I just have a message
for my friend, Denzel.

I just want to say I'm sorry.

Now, ho... ho... ho... ho... hold on.
I can't remember all that.

Somebody get me an ink pen.

All right. Start over.

I'm sorry about...

"I'm sorry about..."

"Forgive me, I love you, see you in hell".

Blah, blah, blah. Close enough.
Let's k*ll him.

- Stop right there!
- Denzel?

That man right there is white.

There was a surgical mix-up.

I am the black man.

- He's what?
- My goodness.

You mean we almost hung a white
man because he has black skin?

Color really is only skin deep.
It doesn't mean anything.

Aw, man, that's great. You serious?

Hell no. Hang 'em both!

Looks like this is it, bro.
At least we're going out together.

Ste-Zel to the end.

I feel the same way, brother, but I
don't care much for your KKK friends.

Ready? On three. One, two...

Hold on.

It's raining gas, boys!

We're gonna be rich!

Ah, damn it, I meant to
hit the body dump button!

Ah, here we go. Poom!

Ah, it's gonna be great being black again.

And although I'll be white Steve,
I won't be the same Steve.

I'll be more mature and sensitive.

Well, friends, there's
something I need to tell you.

- We both Mexican, ain't we?
- How'd you guess?

Andale, andale! A-yi, yi, yi, yi, ya!

Would you like to buy some oranges?