01x10 - The Dam Show

[bunniefuu]

Have you ever seen a more beautiful sight? No, I haven't.

I bet it smells like Strawberry Shortcake.

Mmm.

The majestic Philadelphia Eagle.

They're almost extinct, because Molloy! What are you doing? Ooh, I'm sorry, "timber".

You may have just wiped out an entire species! You can't just cut down trees inside of a national Whoa.

Smells more like strawberry sh*t-cake.

Brickleberry! All right, rangers.

I've got exciting news.

Oh, let me guess! Judge Judy is here, and she buck-ass naked and horny as hell! No.

Today's my birthday.

And tonight's my annual blow-out party in honor of me! There will be cake, ice cream, and hookers.

Just like my childhood parties.

Molloy, you worthless son of a bitch! Hmm, can you speak up? I c**t hear you.

You made the mother eagle fly off, and these eggs are completely cracked.

Luckily, Connie had duct tape on her.

Come to think of it, why did you bring duct tape into the forest? No reason.

Those trees had to go to make room for Woody's birthday party.

Malloy here is planning the whole thing.

You are jeopardizing an endangered species for your stupid birthday party? Hey! All the great leaders throw themselves extravagant parties.

Hussein, Gaddafi, Kim Jong-il, we all took a page from h*tler's playbook.

"Self-aggrandizement is how we reinforce our dominance".

Steve, kiss my ass! Gladly.

Happy Birthday, Sir.

Mwah! Di I didn't mean literally! Ah-ah but I also didn't say "stop".

- Mwah! - Ugh, that is so degrading.

Of course it's degrading, it keeps people in line.

Connie! Wish me Happy Birthday while you choke yourself! Happy Birthday, Woody.

- Denzel, you're next.

- Suck my [Bleep.]

, mother[Bleeper.]

.

See, that's that's black for "Happy Birthday".

I don't care how many people wish you Happy Birthday, none of them mean it.

Well, lucky for me, I don't give a sh*t.

I'd rather be feared than loved.

Well, I don't fear you or love you.

Come on, eggs, let's get out of here.

It keeps them warm! Huh.

I always thought witches' tits were cold.

I need some fireworks for a birthday party, and I heard you were the best around.

Huh? What? Yeah, 20 years in the business and not one accident! - You know why? - Hmm, I'm as stumped as you are.

What? Because I'm all about safety! So what you need, huh? I got bottle rockets, jumping jacks, m-80s, cocaine.

I'm Firecracker Jim, God damn it! Huh? No, this is kid stuff.

You have anything bigger? Hell yeah, I do! Hold on a minute! Sold.

You know what I miss? - Uh, fingers? - Yeah.

All right, people, work faster! Or work slower, because I kinda want to break in this bullwhip.

Wow.

Ow! Jesus Christ, I look like Jesus Christ! Sorry, Steve, I got distracted.

I'll go get a nail claw.

Ow! - Connie! - Ow Stop wasting nails.

Either go for the k*ll sh*t, or knock it off.

I know what's going on.

You like that girl.

Either that, or you planning to m*rder her.

I can't tell, you got those crazy eyes.

Wow.

She's way out of my league.

Don't sell yourself short.

You're just as nasty as she is.

Tell you what, tonight at the party, I'ma help you get that girl.

- You'd really do that? - Sure, we're friends.

Now, here's the plan.

At the party, I'll distract her.

- You throw her in your trunk.

- What? I don't want to k*ll her, I want to date her.

k*ll her, date her, either way, she's getting a gash to the face.

What happened to the wildlife fund? I tried to get cash for an Incubator, but it was all gone.

Woody said he needed the money.

- For what? - For that.

Ha ha! I feel like a Pharaoh! - You look more like a fat-ho.

- Woody, how could you do that? I am trying to save an endangered species.

Ugh, those eagles are endangered because they're weak.

And I got no respect for weak! - Right, Steve? - Happy Birthday! Aw, thanks, you weak son of a bitch.

Hey, speaking of b*tches, I don't believe Ethel's wished me a Happy Birthday yet.

- Now say it! - Screw you! Okay then, you're on administrative leave! - What the hell does that mean? - I mean, I am the administrator, and for you to well, uh [bleeping.]

Leave! You are a d*ck, Woody Johnson.

Get back to work! Great job on the party, little buddy! So what's in store for my entertainment? Well, after the fireworks Denzel will be performing a magic show.

Magic? I love magic! Glorious! Makes me feel like I'm back in Iraq! I've gotta go back there one day.

You know I never finished my necklace made of baby dicks? Hey, uh, Firecracker Jim, I think this one's a dud.

Huh? Dud, my ass! Pour some gasoline on it, it'll light! I said light the Bengal Fire, then the Roman Candle, idiot! I'll do it! - Now's your chance! - Hi.

What can I get you? Let's play little Dutch Boy who saved Holland.

You can stick your finger in the d*ke.

Ugh.

Well, that was a disaster.

Man, I thought that was a solid line.

Took me all night to come up with that.

Don't worry, I got a backup plan.

You gonna help me do a magic trick.

She'll love it! Magic trick? Why not? You're both lesbians, right? Ain't nothing gayer than magic.

When Woody says he doesn't care about these birds, what he's really saying is that he doesn't care about me.

Well, screw him! Now nothing can keep me here! Steve, can you be a doll and blow into this thing so I can start my car? You're drinking again? What? No.

Come on, Cousin [Bleepers.]

, let's see the stuff you were saving for the race w*r.

We ain't preparin' for no race w*r.

Speak for yourself, Bobby, because I am.

He's talking about the big finale, numbnuts! This! Now I'll show you how to escape from the handcuffs.

Wow.

I didn't know you were a magician.

Magician? I ain't no magician.

I'm just black.

Victor, Bravo, Foxtrot, Tango.

What the oh, wait, I forgot.

Can you blow into this for us? Ah! Help! Ethel! Help! Woody! Grab hold! Slipping.

Give me your other hand! I can't, just pull harder! God damn it, who's more important, me or those [Bleeping.]

eggs? - Whoops, you slipped.

- You biiiii Iiiii You g*dd*mn bitch! Oh, my God! We're marooned on an uncharted desert island! Steve, we're on the hill by the parking lot.

So, there's - There's no smoke monster.

- Damn it.

Oh, just my luck.

The Park goes all Katrina, and I'm handcuffed to The Superdome.

- No offense.

- We lost the key during the flood.

Where's Woody? He'll know what to do.

Guys, Woody didn't make it.

I did my best to save him, but I guess he was too weak.

And too stupid, and too assholey, and, you know, too fat to live.

- Oh, my God! - That's terrible.

Poor guy.

Malloy, you survived! Barely.

Luckily, I found this pontoon boat.

Anybody hungry? I'm kidding.

She probably has AIDS.

- Woody's dead.

- Oh! What's for breakfast? - Aren't you sad at all? - Yeah, I'm sad.

And how I grieve is by eating breakfast.

What are we gonna do? We don't have a leader.

Yes, we do.

Woody always said I was second in charge.

Actually, this is what he said.

In the event of my death, I want Steve to be in charge.

Ha! You're all [Bleeped.]

! You heard what he said.

I'm the new leader.

We're behind you 100%, Steve.

Ethel, you can't let this happen! Relax, Denzel, let Steve play leader.

He couldn't be worse than Woody.

Besides, I need to look after these eggs.

Yes! Trust me, guys, I won't let it go to my head.

Gather 'round, my people, I am your new King, Steve! Together, we will create a new society called Steveistan! No Steveland! That's it.

Now, Stevelanders! I know you are hungry, so we are all going to forage for food.

- That sounds like a lot of work.

- The chocolate cowboy is right.

No one makes Jorge forage! Yeah, maybe we need a new leader! How about you? Why, you remind me of a Kennedy.

Only because you're drunk, and I saw you drowning a woman earlier.

New leader! New leader - King Steve sucks! - Wait, wait, I-I-I was kidding! No no one has to work, just do whatever you want.

No rules! - Hail to the new regime! - Rules can suck my ass off! My people love me! Wait, what are you doing? We gonna get naked and touch our d*ck-eyes together.

Yep.

Ain't no rules against it.

If I had to be handcuffed to anybody, I'm glad it's you, Denzel.

That's nice, Connie.

And of everybody I've been handcuffed to, I'd say you in the top ten.

Uh-oh.

Do you think there's a bathroom around here? Don't even think about it.

I would gnaw right through my [Bleeping.]

arm.

- But it hurts! - Hi, guys.

- Hey, it's Trudy! - Um hello.

Hey, you're the girl who used that d*ke-finger line on me.

I just got it.

It was hot and clever.

- Really? - I knew it was gold! So, uh you wanna hang out today? Sure I do! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Well, actually I got other plans hey! Mmm.

See, citizens? While you were relaxing on the beach, your leader has found food.

Help yourselves.

Too sour.

- Ugh, too sweet.

- Too just right! Guys, we have limited food, so you may wanna I mean, please continue wasting our food! Whatever makes you happy.

No one tells Jorge how to eat apples! Connie, I want to hear more of your florid words.

Uh Even though your face is heinous, I'll dive into your mouth like Greg Louganis.

- Hell yeah! - Oh, Connie Ooh.

Normally, I'm a fan of pigs in a blanket.

Ah! It cheers my heart to see my huddled masses shivering around a dying fire.

We're cold! Ain't no firewood.

But no one wanted to get firewood.

Of course no one wanted to get firewood.

That goes against everything Steveland stands for.

Oh, God! They're hatching! The only two known Philadelphia eagles in existence.

Push! Push, you little orphan bastards! I'm a mother! Oh! And my parents said it would never happen after I played hide the rolling pin.

I was a curious child.

Great news, everyone.

I found a rowboat washed up on the beach.

That's great, Steve, we're saved! Hell yeah we are! I chopped it up into 100 pieces.

Now we'll have firewood for months! Hooray for short-term solutions! I only wish Woody could see me now.

Wherever he is.

Is anyone out there? Hello? Hello? Please, I can't be alone with my thoughts.

I hate my thoughts! Everyone hates you.

You deserve to die alone.

Who said that? You're not real, damn you! You're not real.

We're gonna drive you crazy.

Crazy Crazy What was that? It's the smoke monster.

You know, they really prefer to be called African-American.

Will the defendant please rise? Done, baby! Oh! Oh yeah, right there.

Yeah baby, I'm all up in the Judge's chamber! - Oh, yeah, that's how I like it - I know you do! It's okay, it's me.

I know it's you, that's why I'm screaming! All this time I spent with Connie, it was your words I fell in love with.

- What's going on here? - Call me, lover.

- Denzel, how could you? - How could I? She r*ped me! Liar! She was the one person in the world that liked me, and you ruined it! I never want to see you again! Connie, listen to reason.

At least flip me over, you're road-rashing my dong! Eat up, my little babies.

You need to grow big and strong to re-populate the species, because even though you're brother and sister today, the day will come when I will force you to be husband and wife.

- No shame in that.

- No shame in that at all.

Hey, leader! Uh, we're starving! Yeah, and this here's the last apple.

Ugh! Too applely.

It's your job to feed us, King dickhead.

Yeah, King dickhead! Feed us! Wait, am I still the leader? I say we eat him.

He looks plump and juicy, like a Thanksgiving rooster! Hey, hey! Hold on, fellas.

Cannibalism is illegal and immoral.

But, on the other hand, there are no rules in Steveland.

No one panic.

I have an idea.

We'll just take the rowboat to civilization, and get some food.

Steve, you idiot.

You chopped up the rowboat.

Okay, I have another idea.

It better not involve a time machine.

I have a third idea! What? No! You can't eat my birds! No, you misunderstood me.

I'm not gonna eat your birds, I'm gonna feed your birds To people.

There's no way in hell! These are my babies! Oh, come on! That's like saying adopted kids are people's babies.

They're just homeless children people raise to have sex with.

Enough yip-yap, time to pluck 'em and [Bleep.]

'em.

Uh, I-I mean, eat 'em.

Denzel, we're meant to be together.

We're soul mates! Look, girl, we ain't happening.

Although it is pretty cool I flipped a lesbian.

Trudy, he's not that much of a catch.

He hits women.

What? I would never! Connie, that's messed oh! Don't make me ow! See how you like it.

Damn.

Ow! So, Steve came through, huh? Hey, here's a thought, what if we didn't give in to our impulses today, and waited until these birds had eggs? Then we'd never run out of food.

Boo! Boo! You're right, you're right, there will always be endangered birds to eat.

An entire species wiped out, just because Steve is too much of a p*ssy to stand up to anyone.

Maybe I should have saved Woody's life.

Woody? He's not dead.

He's on the other side of the island going crazy, - like Tom Hanks in that movie.

- Cast away? No, the one where he thinks Julia Roberts is attractive.

Did I just do a Charlie Wilson's w*r joke? You're g*dd*mn right I did! Woody? Woody is dead.

The whispers have named me Second Lieutenant Leakycheeks! Whoa.

You are nuttier than squirrel sh*t.

I have never felt more alive.

Leakycheeks! All thanks to the whispers.

You're welcome.

Now head-butt that tree.

- All right.

- Why did you do that? Peanut butter with Jim Belushi.

Okay.

Here's the thing, psycho.

We need you back.

Steve has taken charge, and everything's a mess.

- They're gonna eat my eagles.

- Chinese werewolves! Oh, you can't be serious, you used to love abusing power! I have found love.

Whee! Love, I'm surrounded by love! I got Mr.

Crabby and Rock-Rock.

And the whispers.

I love you, whispers! Screw you.

Pull your hair out.

I'm happy here.

Fine.

Good-bye, Lieutenant Cheeks.

If you see Woody, tell him Happy Birthday.

Aw, you don't have to say that sh*t to Woody anymore.

His tyrant days are over.

I'm not saying it because I have to, I'm saying it because I want to.

Yes, he was a cruel, inconsiderate, r*cist ass wipe.

But deep down, I considered him to be Almost not a complete lowlife piece of sh*t.

Wow.

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

I know what you're thinking, Woody.

Don't do it.

It's no use, whispers! I'm a born leader! And born leaders help their annoying, P.

C.

, holier-than-thou co-workers.

Woody, come on.

Indian burn your ball sack one last time.

Don't go.

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

We want eagle! We want eagle! We want eagle! Do what you do best, Mr.

Possum-Gods! Hey! No one touches those birds.

Woody? You're alive! Back down, Steve.

I'm running the show now.

Yes, Sir! Now, just one minute.

Steve is our leader.

And we like it that way because, well, we can walk all over him.

Yeah, we want Steve! Really guys, it's it's fine.

Well, that's great, but if anyone wants to challenge the leader, we all know They must fight to the death! Where are you getting that? You wrote it in the Steveland constitution.

- Damn it! - Woody, k*ll.

Sounds good to me, whispers! Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight - Go get 'em, Steve! - I'm rooting for Woody.

- All right.

Go get 'em, Woody! - I'm rooting for Steve.

That does it! I told you what happened, and you don't believe me.

Save it, Denzel.

Trudy was the one person I could have loved.

She was beautiful, she was kind I r*ped him.

- See? - And I have chlamydia.

See, I told you w-w-w-what? Oh, my God, what an awful skank! I should have believed you.

I'm sorry she gave you chlamydia.

Nah, don't worry.

I gave her something way worse.

A baby.

- I'll k*ll him later.

- All hail Woody! Okay, Woody.

So you're the new leader.

It doesn't matter, we're still gonna starve to death.

You people need a lift? You see, Steve? We're saved.

Time for my babies to leave the nest.

I appreciate you coming with me, Woody.

Well, I can't say I care about these little suckers.

But you do.

And that's good enough for me.

Soar! I was wrong, Ethel.

Maybe they are strong enough to survive.

I'm Firecracker Jim, God Or not.