02x04 - Trailer Park

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Brickleberry". Aired: September 25, 2012 – April 14, 2015.*
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Series follows a group of park rangers as they work through their daily lives in the fictional Brickleberry National Park.
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02x04 - Trailer Park

Post by bunniefuu »

- Nobody's home.

- Wait, bobby, I'm here
to collect your camping fee.

You're late.

- I just paid it.
- That was two years ago.

- Man, time flies when you're
blind sh*t-faced drunk!

Hold on one second,
and I'll grab you some cash.

Stick 'em up, [bleep].
- Aah!

- Give me your wallet.
Give me your g*dd*mn wallet!

Come on, come on.
Gimme, gimme, gimme!

There you go, buddy.
That should cover it.

- Hey, I used to have a wallet
just like that.

- Oh, uh, you wanna buy it?

- Sure. Score!



[Screaming]

♪ Brickleberry

- All right, rangers,
time for the park renovation,

Beautification update.

- I'd like to suggest
a breast reduction for steve.

- Noted.
Connie, how are the trees?

[Metallic thunk, clangs]

- Evergreen.

- Steve, teeth-whitening?

[Mountain lion growling]
- just let me stick the tray in.

Aah! Dear god!

- Ethel,
grass upgrade report.

- I'm almost done,
but do we really have

To use lead paint?

It's so bad for the environment.

- Shut up, the environment
will be fine.

Hey, it's the circle of life.
Hakuna matata, everybody.

[Laughs]

[Wolves snarling]

And the circle continues.
Clean it up!

- Why are we working
our asses off?

- Because brickleberry's gonna
win national park of the year.

No way am I gonna let
those pussies at yellowstone

Take it for the tenth time
in a row.

What's so bad
about our park, anyway?

- Well, we do have the world's
only premature geyser.

All: ten, nine--

Eww!

- Sorry, that almost
never happens.

Wait, no, don't leave.

It'll be ready to go again
in a couple of hours.

- Uh, we'll just keep the judge
focused on our good parts,

Like right here.

- [Panicked grunts]

Unh!

- [Bleep] her.
Circle of life.

- So what do we get
if we win?

- We get the greatest gift
of all.

- A coffee date
with viggo mortensen?

- No. We get to be on the cover
of nationwide park magazine!

When I worked at yellowstone,
we were on the cover every year,

But my picture was screwed up
every time.

[Camera shutter clicks]

And then I got a bee sting
on my face.

I mean, I covered it
with concealer,

But I still noticed.

[Camera shutter clicks]

So help me god,
when we win,

I will look great
on that cover.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
tyra skanks,

Lets not get ahead
of ourselves.

- But the park looks perfect.

- What the hell is that?

- Hey, look at me!

I'm drunk and I stole
a tractor!

Whooo!

Ooh!

Hey, your g*dd*mn tree
wrecked into my stolen tractor.

Now y'all owe me
a new stolen tractor.

- I can't believe it.

This is the worst thing
he's ever done!

- Is it?
Is it really?

- What?
He gave you chocolate.

- Oh, my god!

The judge from the magazine
will be here any minute.

Someone has to stall him
while we clean this up.

- I'm pretty good at
taking up a judge's time.

- Come on, steve, we gotta
kick that hick outta the park

Before he does any more
damage.

- Uhh!

[Metallic trees clunking]

[Vehicle approaching]

- Here comes the judge.

- Um, could you
excuse me, please?

I need to get through here.

- Yeah, but my car broke down
sideways at the entrance.

You have to come back
next week.

- Um, could it just
walk around it?

- Oh, of course,
but first,

Tell me,
where'd you get them skips?

- My--my skips?

Oh, my shoes.
Yes, my wife picked them--oh!

- What?
I ran out of chloroform.

[Tires screech]

- Now, before we do
this threesome,

I just wanna make sure it ain't
gonna mess up our friendship.

[Sheep baas]

Aah! Ow!

What the hell y'all doin'?

- Evicting you
for tearing up my park!

- That wasn't me,
that was "drunk bobby."

If you wanna talk to him,
he'll be here in 12 ounces.

- Happy hour's over,
swamp people!

You are hereby being kicked
the hell out of my park!

- Huh. This looks like
it's from the olden times.

What is it?
- How am I supposed to know

What the hell it is?

It's got words and sh*t
on it.

- Wow...1880s, da da da.
Civil w*r...your cousin...

"Reginald wooten possumcods..."

Oh, my god.
According to this,

You're the heir
to brickleberry park.

- Whoo!

Wait a minute,
did he call me a q*eer?

- Give me that!
Ooh...

Actually, robert,
what it really says is,

And I quote,
there is no g*dd*mn way in hell

That assh*le bobby possumcods
owns this park!

- Don't get more official
than that.

- That's not what it says.

It says right here
bobby owns the park, and--unh!

- Oh, I know what
it says now.

It says get the hell
off my property!



- Ow! Ooow!



[Bird chirping, g*nsh*t]



[Dog barking]

- Hey, come back here,
you g*dd*mn--

Oh, lord.

Oh, [bleep] it.

- We're livin' the dream,
bodean.

[Slurping]

- Rangers, I know you think
we have a problem.

This is not a problem!
[Thunder cracks, echoes]

- Oh, yeah, this is perfect.

- Looks like yellowstone wins
again.

- Over my perfect,
photogenic dead body.

- I'm freezing. Jesus!
We're living like al-qaeda

Without the good leadership.

- Malloy, where do you think
you're going?

- Anywhere but here.

I've got this thing
where I don't like to live

In haitian-style
refugee camps.

- Fine, leave.

Everything's gonna be
back to normal by day's end.

I'm gonna do a little
fancy negotiating

With our friend bobby.

So, bobby--
I mean, mr. Possumcods--

What's it gonna take
to get our park back?

How 'bout $3.47
on a mcdonald's gift card?

- Throw in a case of busch
and it's yours.

One time I drank so much busch
I woke up balls-deep

In a kmart mannequin with a
vidalia onion stuck up my ass.

That was tuesday.
- Shut up, bodean!

I tell you what.
Here's my counter offer.

- [Spits]

That's it.
This is w*r.

- Oh, well, at least this mud is
good for my complexion.

- It ain't mud, it's a bunch
of hog sh*t with--

- What are you worried about,
bobby?

- That woody makes me nervous.

There ain't no tellin'
what he might do

To get this park back.

He's got those crazy eyes.

No offense, bodean.

[Horn honks]
who the hell is that?

- Take it easy, bobby.

It's just more people
comin' in.

- How'd they find out
about my trailer park?

- Not from me.
I didn't tell nobody

About this place.

[Horn honks]
- hey, bodean!

Thanks for telling us
about this place.

- Damn it, bodean,
you gotta keep your mouth shut!

Don't tell no more people
they can stay here.

- Okay, bobby.

- Hey, inbreeders,
I need a roof over my head.

Is there any chance I could--
- oh, hell yeah.

You can stay here.
- Bodean!

- What? He's not a people.
He's a bear.

- sh*t, you got me
on a technicality.

- Great.
So what's your wifi password?

- What the [bleep]'s a wifi?

- Obamafan21.
Capital "o," capital "f."

It's case sensitive.

- I don't even know
who you are anymore.

- Ha! And people said
I was an idiot

For spending my 401k
on a surveillance van.

We can watch every move
those hillbitches make!

We'll find their weaknesses,

And then we will
go in for the k*ll.

I've got a camera in every nook
and cranny of this park.

- Uh, how long have you had
these cameras set up?

- Doesn't matter.
When the security

Of brickleberry national park
is at stake,

All rules are off!
- Woody!

- I'm just keeping us safe.

- Let me know if you need an
angle from inside the toilet.

[Static blip]

- Ooh! There's them
slim jim gobblin'

Sons of b*tches!

I gotta take 'em down.

- Wegotta take 'em down,
woody.

Bobby's our guy.

k*ll the figurehead,
and the rest will crumble.

- Yeah, but he's gone
into hiding.

He must be on to is.

This is the last visual
I have of him.

- That security detail is
no joke.

- But bodean, his number two,
is vulnerable.

Hey, give me a few minutes
alone with him,

And he'll not only
give up bobby's location,

I'll get him to admit
that brooks & dunn are

A married gay couple.

- All I know is that
I want possumcods deader

Than randy travis' liver!
Let's move!

Ethel's gonna find
possumcod's location.

Then steve will go
undercover

And plant this homing device
on him.

[Door opens]

- I'm ready to
drink some beer,

Smoke some meth,
and convert to islam!

Whee-hoo.

- They're gonna eat him alive.

- Hoo-whee!

- Once that homing device is
planted on bobby,

Mr. Drone will pinpoint him
and blow his ass up!

Yes, people,
we have a drone.

Homeland security's pretty loose

With the checkbook
these days.

Ha ha!
Thank you 9/11!

- Excuse me, where am i?

- Detroit.
- Detroit?

What are we doing
in detroit?

- You said you wanted
to go to detroit

For my grandmama's
80th birthday party.

Then you passed out.

I thought it was weird because
you don't even know her.

But I was like, "okay."
- I said that?

- Denzel, baby.

I thought you said
you couldn't make it

'Cause you had to work.

- Oh, I'm on the clock.
This is my good friend, judge.

- What am I doing here?

- The electric slide,
white boy!



- Denzel, just take me
to the park right now!

- What'd you say, judge?

You watch roots backwards

So it has a happy ending?

- What'd he say?
- Unh!

[Squirrel chattering]

- That's a homer.

[Cheers and applause]

- I love squirrel ball!

- I gotta admit,
this is fun.

But don't you kind of
feel bad for the squirrels?

- Oh, don't worry,
we get 'em drunk first.

- Mornin', bodean.
- Mornin', aubrey.

Bobby sent me here
to get more potted meat.

He's too scared
to go outside.

- Why's he afraid
to go outside?

- Because bobby found a deed
from the olden days,

And then he kicked them
rangers' asses out,

And then they came back
and tried to get us to leave,

And we said no, and then
bobby threw that fat fella

And that girl with
the blonde hair into the mud,

And she thought it was makeup,
but it was pig sh*t.

Now everybody's living there
in their trailers

And camping for free 'cause
bobby's not chargin' no rent.

But he told me not say nothin',
then he slapped me on the head

So hard it made my peter
shrink back up inside me.

- Hold on, he ain't chargin'
no rent?

- Yeah, but I'm smart,
so I didn't tell nobody.

How much I owe you
for the potted meat, aubrey?

- Don't you worry about it,
bodean, it's on the house.

- Thanks, aubrey.
I sure appreciate it

'Cause bobby really likes
potted meat with saltines,

But I can't eat it no more

Because I got this
nitrate allergy,

And every time I eat it,
I get the shits

Like nobody's business.

Then this bear moved in and
he wanted the wifi password,

But bobby didn't know
what wifi was...

- Hey, y'all, they're livin'
rent-free at brickleberry.

Spread the word.
[Line beeps]

Hold on, I got another call.

Bodean: and then I played
squirrel tee ball

With that talkin' bear,
and then I come down here

To buy some potted meat,
and then you locked the door

And then closed the blinds

And that's the end
of my story.

We'll talk to you later, bye.

- Whoo-weee!

[Bleep] nascar and jesus!
Am I right, people?

Let's raise taxes
and let the queers get married.

[All mutter]
- what'd he say about nascar?

[Banjo being plucked slowly]

- Well, well, looks like
we got some fresh meat, boys.

- Malloy, I'm on a mission.
Play along.

- Not a problem.
Hey, who wants to take

This guy's a**l virginity?

- Thanks, malloy.
You're a real pal.

Wait, take what?

Wait, wait, wait. What?

Wait, what are you gonna take?
Aah!

[Microwave humming]

[Timer beeps, splat]
- possum's done.

[Muffled cries]

- [Gags]

Now tell me where
bobby's hiding!

- Or what?

- You ever heard of
waterboarding?

[Faucet squeaks]

You don't have
running water?

- What do I need that for?

- Well, maybe I should just
cut off

A couple of your fingers.

Jesus, you only have
plastic knives?

- I got plastic spoons too.

- Well, then, I guess I'll
just pull your teeth out

One by--
- [spits]

- Just tell me where he is,
god damn it!

- I ain't no snitch.

If you want to find out
where he's hiding,

You can ask him yourself.

Hey, bobby, tell this girl
where you're hiding.

- I ain't gonna tell her
I'm hiding in your bathroom.

- He said he ain't gonna
tell you nothin'.

Sorry about that.

- I think I'm earning
their trust.

[Cell phone rings]
go, eagle one.

Bobby? Great.
What's his location?

- He's hiding out
in bodean's trailer.

Get in there quick and plant
that homing device on him.

[g*ns click]

- Who the hell are you?

Oh, are you my new
bobby double?

- Uh, yeah.
I-i'm your bobby double.

- Damn, I ain't that fat
and ugly.

- Yeah. Yeah, you are, bobby.

- Well, that's good news.
He's a dead ringer.

Get him dressed, boys.

- Ooh!

- Wow, you look perfect.

Almost too perfect,
which raises a question.

How am I gonna know
which one of us is the real me?

- Oh, I got an idea.

Why don't you take
this blinky thing

And put it in your pocket?

That way you know
which one of us is you.

- Damn, you're smart.

But what if you have
the blinky thing

And I don't have
the blinky thing?

- Then I guess that I'm you
and you're me.

- You just blew my mind.

- [Maniacal laugh]
steve did it!

He planted the homing device!

We're a go.
Good-bye, rednecks,

Hello, park of the ye--
[rumbling]

Holy sh*t!

- All these new trailers have
trapped us in here, woody.

Don't launch the drone.

Abort. Abort!

- See, honey, I'm not
the only one saying it.

[Dog growling]

- Hey, y'all, please
give me your attention.

Hi, I'm bobby, and this is
bobby's bobby double.

Wait, let bobby double check.

Yeah, I'm bobby.

So if y'all gonna sh**t
one of us, sh**t him.

[g*nsh*t]
damn, I said sh**t him!

That's what he's here for.
That's his job.

- Yeah, sorry, that's who
I was trying to sh**t.

- No problem.

Now, I'm gonna ask y'all

As nice as I possibly can...

Get the [bleep] out
of my trailer park...please!

- He did say, "please."
Let's go.

- Drive carefully.

- What the hell's that
supposed to mean?

[Indistinct shouting]

- Uh-oh.

- [Groaning]

- Man, I can't believe
we got so much in common.

We both wanted to do this
our whole lives.

- Do what?
[Buzzer blares]

[Crowd whooping]
ow! Ooh! Oh! Ow! Ooh!

- Them fellers just broke
the world record

For the tandem bull ride.
[Cheers and applause]

- We did it, judge!

- Stop it, stop it!
This is insane!

I demand that you take me
to brickleberry national park

Right now!

Oh!
- Thanks, yucko.

- Oh, can we launch
that drone now or what?

- Uh, no.
Steve's still in there.

- Well, we'll k*ll two birds
with one drone.

[Laughs]

I'm serious, ethel.

- Woody!
- All right, fine.

- [Grunting]
these people are animals.

I think that baby had rabies.

- Yeah, probably.
Woody, launch the drone.

[Beep]
- [maniacal laugh]

See ya in hell, possumcods.

In three, two...
- Hey, y'all.

- God damn it!

[All moaning, groaning]

- Ooh, I thought
you guys were dead.

Uh, your wallets are
over there.

The cash burnt up,
I think.

- Everybody all right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- What, no casualties,
no collateral damage?

What kind of crappy drone
is this?

- Well, if it makes you feel
any better,

I think I'm hurt real bad.

- Shut up, you p*ssy!

Look how frizzy
it made my bangs!

I will not let this screw up
my magazine cover!

- Bobby, why the holy hell
did you show up here, anyway?

- I came to give you
your park back.

I don't want it no more.
There's too many

Redneck assholes in there.

- Thanks.
Now, any bright ideas

On how to get the rest of those
peckerwoods out of my park?

[All shouting indistinctly]

- Bobby, these are your
god-awful people.

You must know some way
to fix this.

- Maybe I do,
but you need to promise me

My old spot back, rent-free.

- Yeah, okay, fine.
But I'm not touching you.

- Okay. What we gotta do is
scare 'em off.

- What could possibly scare
these people?

- We have one fear.
- Soap?

- Dentists?
- Blacks?

- No, tornadoes.

- I'm scared of croutons
'cause one time I got this

Fancy salad at applebee's,
or was it chili's?

I can't remember 'cause
I drank a hot can of busch--

- So we need a tornado.

- It's a scientific fact
that trailer parks

Make tornadoes
horny as sh*t.

All we gotta do is wait.

- Yeah, well, not that I don't
trust nostra-dumbass over there,

But I'm tired of waiting.
I want them out now!

- Is there any way
we could fake it?

- I've got it.

- Gonorrhea, we know.
But what about the tornado?

- Ethel, I can't stall him
much longer.

If I hit him one more time,

He's gonna have
permanent brain damage.

- [Groans]
oh, god, where am I now?

- You said you wanted
to see the cubs play.

- I said the cubs?
'Cause I hate the cubs.

- That's weird, because I've
wanted to see 'em play

Since I was a kid.
[Batted ball]

Whoo! Go, cubs! Whoo!

- Now, this may sound
a little nutty,

But I'm starting to think
you don't want me

To see brickleberry park.

- All right, you got me.

I'm done knocking
your ass out.

I'm gonna take you
to the park right now.

[Batted ball]



[Siren blaring]

- What the hell is that?

[Wind whooshing]

- Whooosh. Whooosh.

I'm a tornado.

- Nice try, assholes.

That don't look nothin'
like a tornado.

Tornado looks like that.



- I told you all we had
to do was wait.

- Ha ha ha! It's the
white trash circle of life!

Can you believe the--
whoooa!

- Well, we got our park back.
I guess that's all that matters.

- Shut the [bleep] up, connie!

The judge is still
on his way.

- Let's get moving.
We can still clean up the park

Before the judge gets here.
- You mean this judge?

- Sorry, I couldn't stall him
any longer.

- Look, there was just
a tornado here,

And it was not our fault.

So you should really think
about that before--

- I-i wear mittens.

- I-i didn't catch that.

Did he just say,
"I wear mittens"?

- Uh, how many times did he
get hit in the head?

- Gypsy spoons!
Cucumber calendar.

- One too many.

- Razor scooter.
Ellen burstyn!

- What's that? Oh, we just won
park of the year you say?

- Poprock!
[Retches]

- Oh, yeah.
He just said it again.

- You people are just sad.

- And now he's signing
the official form

To say we won!

Congratulations, everybody!

[All cheer]
- yes!

Soapy papoose! Oh!

- Let's go!
sh**t the g*dd*mn thing!

- Hold on.
Wait for me.

- You look perfect, ethel.

- g*dd*mn right I do!

- I wouldn't say perfect.
I would say whore.

- Stand by.
Look at me, everyone.

Smiles.
- Hey, look at me!

I'm drunk and I stole
a parade float!

Whoo!

- Oh...where am i?

[Splat, camera shutter clicks]

- Yes! Perfect!
Finally.

- Aah!

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