02x05 - Crippleberry

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Brickleberry". Aired: September 25, 2012 – April 14, 2015.*
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Series follows a group of park rangers as they work through their daily lives in the fictional Brickleberry National Park.
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02x05 - Crippleberry

Post by bunniefuu »

- Malloy, I am
highly disappointed.

You don't know a thing
about the value of money.

- I stand by my purchase.

- It's not your purchase
if it's on my credit card!

How much was this thing?

- I got it at a good price,
and I can do this.

- [Screams]

No! Aah! Why?!

Whyyy?
[Glass shatters]

- You're gonna bankrupt me,
malloy.

Return it, right now.

Let's go!

- Fine.
You'll never know it was here.

[Glass shatters]

- [Screaming]

- ♪ Brickleberry

- Rangers,
I finally figured out

Why this park's
been losing money.

- Because you've
been stealing it.

- I didn't steal nothing.

- No one's blaming you,
denzel.

- Sorry. Usually, this is when
the bear says something r*cist.

- Can't, I'm playing
"hate words with friends."

- We are in the dumper

Because this park
isn't fun anymore.

There's no more good, clean,
family wholesomeness.

So I bring to you...
[Hums fanfare]

Firecracker jim's
family fun time carnival!

[Crowd cheering,
women grunting]

[g*nsh*t]

- [Screams]

[Zipper zips]

- Takes you back
to your childhood, doesn't it?

- Oh, yeah,
nothing says "family fun"

Like catching hep-c
from a carnie.

- That's your childhood,
all right.

- Well, I think
it's an awesome idea!

Look at all
these great games!

- Poke the rabbit
in the eyeball!

[Squish]

- Donkey kicks, $5.

[Donkey brays]

- Step right up

To bobby possumcods's
petting zoo!

Heavy petting zoo!

[Duck quacking]

- All right, everybody,
we got a lot of work to do.

Crowd control,
trash duty--

What the--?

- Look out, excuse me,
move aside.

Ranger steve williams
coming through.

- Oh, thank god,
a park ranger.

Someone just got
a skull fracture.

- Who?
- You!

Now get your ass
to the end of the line.

- But i--[sighs]
man.

Why does the handicapped kid
get to cut?

Life can be so unfair.

- Ha, ha.

- Right this way

For the greatest side show
on earth!

Be amazed by the one-headed,
one-tailed snake!

[Snake hissing]

Be astounded

By the mysterious
hornless unicorn!

- This is lame.
Let's go.

- Wait, who are they?

- Oh, don't look at them.

They're just a bunch
of circus freaks.

But behold...

A bird that has
the ability...

To swim!

[Duck quacks]

- No, really,
who are they?

- [Chuckles]
well, if you insist

On seeing the lame stuff,
here's dog boy,

Octopus lady,
giraffe girl, and--

- Whoa, let me guess.

That's d*ck nose.

- Uh, no, my name is jerry.

- And my newest addition,

The carpet-munching
vaginasaurus!

- Hey!
Connie is not a freak!

- Lucas, let me
take your picture

With the big, ugly freak.

- [Screams, cries]

- That's not right!

- Don't worry.

I treat each
and every one of them

Like my own children.

[Electricity crackles]

Did I mention
I [bleep]ing hate my children?

- They need help.

[Growls]

Come on, follow me!

- Oh, my god,
what did she do?

They can't survive
in a non-cage environment.

They'll go crazy
on the outside!

We've got to get them back!

- Uh, not me.

I don't associate
with anything that ugly.

- Yeah, unless
it buys you two drinks.

Then you'll give it
a toothy b.j.

In a public bathroom.

[Falsetto]
did I say that?

Woody, I need 20 bucks.
I want to play whack-a-mole.

- No!
- Please?

They use real moles.

[Splatter]

- [Sighs]
no, malloy. Enough.

What do I look like
I'm made of, money?

- No, it looks like
you're made out of ham.

Now give me some money!

- Forget it.

You need to stop
blowing my money

And make some
for yourself.

It's time for you
to get a job.

- A job?
- Yes!

I'm through
being your personal atm.

- What does ass-to-mouth
have to do with this?

- Finally.

I've been in this line
for three hours.

- Sorry, folks.
Ride's closed for repair.

- Repair?

- By "repair," I mean
I snorted too much angel dust,

And you'll be lucky
if I don't eat your face off!

- Ah, man.

Oh, my god.

The paralyzer!
And there's no line!

[Laughing]
hey, firecracker jim.

Is this ride dangerous?

- What the hell
do you think?

It's called "the paralyzer,"
not "the blowjobber"!

That line's over there!

[Zipper zips]

- See ya.
- Watch out, now.

You never know if you gonna
have to give one or get one.

- Eek--uh...
I think I'll do this one.

[Buzzer sounds]

Whee!

Yah!

[Grunting and wincing]

Oh!
[Chicks tweet]

Whoo-hoo!

Hoo-ee!

Yah!
[Screams]

[Grunts, bones crunch]

- Hey, you alive?
- [Whimpers]

- No refunds.

- Come on, guys, in here.

You'll be safe
in my cabin.

You can stay
as long as you want.

- Connie, who the hell
are these freaks?

- They're not freaks.
They're my new best friends.

- Connie, you can't be friends
with these weirdoes.

They a bunch of--
hey, what's up, jerry?

- You guys know each other?

- Yeah, we went
to middle school together.

Hey, jerry, you remember
when you sneezed

And got wanda pregnant?

- I'm still paying
for that cold.

- I come bearing sad news.

As you know, steve took
a very bad fall yesterday,

And, uh, well, I'm sorry
to have to tell you this,

But because
of his injuries, we--

[Sniffles]

Well, let's just say
we lost a lot of money,

'Cause we had to shut
the carnival down early!

Grieve in your own way!

- All right!
Day off!

- Wait, how is steve?

- Steve who?
Oh!

What am i,
his g*dd*mn babysitter?

[Door squeaks]

- [Electronic voice]
good morning, rangers.

[Chair whirring]

[Thud]
sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Whoops.

Aah, aah.
Help me, jesus.

Sorry.

- Oh, look, everybody.

The attention whore
is here.

- Woody!
- Oh, walk it off, steve.

Everything
will turn out fine,

Just like it did
for christopher reeve.

- But he's dead.
- Exactly.

- Thanks for coming to see me
in the hospital.

Oh, wait.
None of you did.

- Look on the bright side,
steve.

My best friend
is handicapped!

Think of all the attention
I'll get.

- Oh, I feel terrible.

Are you gonna
be okay, steve?

- [Clears throat]
all questions for my client

Can be directed to me.

Brickleberry park
is currently inaccessible

To my handicapped client.

If it is not brought
up to code,

You face fines
and possible litigation.

What?
You told me to get a job.

- Attorney at law?
You ain't no lawyer.

- You're right.

Now I'm a lawyer.

Thank you,
university of phoenix.

- [Groans]

[Growls]

[Growls]

[Tires screech]

[Alarm chirps]

- So, mr. Johnson,

Here's how you're
going to make the park

Handicap-accessible
for my client.

- People of earth,
you are in no danger.

Please remain
in your homes.

Ha, ha, ha.

- Give me that.
You can still talk, you moron.

- Give it back.

It makes me sound smart,
like tony hawk,

That crippled scientist.

- Now, let's get
down to business.

Lower those windows
a 1/2 inch.

We need a ramp to that ramp.

Therapeutic hot tub
right here.

And some therapeutic hookers
here, here--

- And here.

What? Can't a brother
get some handi-scraps?

- Oh ho, I know what
you're doing, malloy.

You're just getting back at me
for cutting you off.

I know that steve
is faking this whole thing.

- Whatever it is,
I like it.

You got the life,
for real, steve.

Just lounging all day,
everyone taking care of you.

V.i.p. Treatment
wherever you go.

- They even gave me this
never-ending bag of pudding.

- Steve, that's sh*t.

- Well,
that's a little harsh.

It's not snack pack,
but it's free.

And a couple of hours
after I eat it,

It fills back up again.

[Squish]

- Oh, god.

- Here's the total cost

For completing
all the necessary upgrades

To the park.

- Why do I have
to call a phone number

To find out
how much I owe?

- Uh, that is not
a phone number.

That is the amount due.

- This is a bunch
of hog sh*t.

I know you can walk, steve,
and I'm gonna prove it!

- [Sniffs]
damn, what's that smell?

- [Sniffing]
yeah, what is that?

- It smells like a skunk
[bleep]ed a burning tire.

- Or your feet cooking inside
two george foreman grills!

[Flesh sizzling]

- Hmm, I don't feel anything,

But it smells delicious.

- Good poker face, steve,
but I'm not buying it.

- Oh, that's just sad.

I can't believe
george foreman put his name

On them cheap-ass grills.

Look at your feet,
cooked all uneven and sh*t.

- [Grunts]
- keep your chin up, steve.

I know just what
will cheer you up.

Dancing!

- But I can't really dance.
Or move. At all.

- Steve, ever since
you got paralyzed,

People let you do
whatever you want.

I think that
that should apply to me too.

- What do you mean?

- Hold on to your dead,
lifeless ass for a second,

And let me demonstrate.

- Where do you think
you're going?

- I think I'm going inside
this mother[bleep] club,

No charge, bitch.

Uh, this
is my best friend, steve.

He just got paralyzed.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

Get outta the way!

This man's friend's
handicapped!

Look at him!
He's all [bleep]ed up!

[Pulsing dance b*at]



- What the [bleep]
do you think you're doing?

- Grieving.
I got a crippled friend.

- Oh, my bad.

Here, uh, that's crap.

Take something
from the top shelf.

- Oh, I'll take
the whole top shelf.

Yeah! Whoo!

My friend crippled!
I can do whatever I want!

I'm the king of the world!

- Denzel, you're wasted.
Who's gonna drive home?

- You let me
worry about that.

[Laughing drunkenly]
what a night! V.i.p.!

Whoo!
[Tires screeching]

Steve, you getting paralyzed

Is the best thing
that ever happened to me.

- Denzel,
this doesn't seem safe.

- Relax.
[Bottle shatters]

You're doing fine.
- [Sneezes]

Ah--ah--
- gezundhe--aah!

[Both screaming]

- What the hell?

I will k*ll you!
I swear to god!

Oh.
Oh, I didn't know.

I'm so sorry.

- We'll let it slide
this time,

But don't let that sh*t
happen again!

- Hey, have you guys
seen my wife anywhere?

- Oh, god, it hurts!

- Honey, shut up!
It's a handicapped driver!

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I feel so embarrassed.

- You're past due
for payment

On the handicap-accessible
nude beach.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Let me just grab
my checkbook.

Aha!

- Nope, nothing.

- Okay, now do you
believe he's paralyzed?

- No, I don't, and I'm not
gonna give you any more money

For your little
handi-scam.

- Then we will see you
in court.

- Not if I see you first,
assh*le.

Oh, wait,
you're on my side.

Sorry.
I'm dying of blood loss.

- I've always dreamed
of having friends over.

[Overlapping shouting]

- [Roars]
- oh!

Good call.
Tea's boring.

Who wants to play
scattergories?

[All growling]

- Uh, so you guys want me
to heat that up?

[All hissing]

- So I hope you guys
saved room for dessert.

Snickerdoodles?

[g*nsh*t]
- all right, everybody.

Into the truck!

- Hey, wait a minute.

You're not taking them back
to that horrible carnival.

- Carnival?
No, this is worse.

They've been summoned
for jury duty.

[All groaning]

- If it's a black guy,
we're frying him.

- [Sighs]

Best party ever.

[Buck whimpers]

- Ow!
Denzel, sto--

Ouch! Stop!

I don't want to be here.

- Ah, chill out,
broke back-enroe.

This is awesome.

I can't believe they let me
in this all-white country club

Just because
of your busted-ass spine.

- Excuse me.

We have this court reserved.

- Well, well.
Look at you.

Titties like two wind socks
on a calm day.

You want to get freaky
behind that dumpster?

- Well, I never.

- Excuse me,
that's my wife.

- Oh, yeah?
Well, that's my best friend.

[Moaning and grunting]

Oh, yeah, you dirty.

- That's nice,
what you're doing there.

[Thudding]

- Aah!
[Squelch]

- Hi.
[Lock clicks]

I want the truth, steve,

'Cause I know
you're faking it.

- No, I'm not.
I swear to god.

- You know,
when I was in the jungle,

I did a few things
I wasn't very proud of.

Technically, steven,
I'm a w*r criminal.

- Gotta roll.

No, woody,
what are you doing?

- You know, this was banned
by the geneva convention.

Cootchy-cootchy,
wootchy-cootchy.

[Baby talk]

Cootchy.

You're a tough
son of a bitch, steve.

I would've had abu nazir
crying by now.

Time for my last option.

- Oh, my god,
woody, stop.

What are you doing?

- Screw this court case.

You're not gonna steal
any more of my money.

You get up
or you go down!

Three...two...

Two and a half...

One! Walk!

- [Screams]

- Oopsie.

Okay, steve!

Now I believe you!

- [Grunting]

[Bones cracking]
I'm still alive.

I can't believe
I'm still ali--wait.

Well, I'll be damned.

$2 Off a subway footlong!

Oh, it's expired.

Well, at least
I can walk again.

- God damn it,
how can steve run late

When he can't even walk?

- [Whistling]
good morning, counselor.

So how much money
are we gonna make

Off me being hurt
on that rollercoaster, eh?

- Nothing now.

You can walk?
What the hell?

- Oh, yeah.
And I can do this.

[Grunting]

[Imitating robotic gears]

Beep, beep, beep,
beep beep beep, beep beep.

- You had one thing to do.
You had one thing to do.

Stay paralyzed.
How'd you [bleep] that up?

- I know, it sucks.

I've got to wipe
my own ass again.

- The trial's in ten minutes.
I need you to be paralyzed.

Hold on.

- We'll never
get away with it.

He looks nothing like...

- [Grunting]

- Okay.

- Steve, sit down
and don't move.

You have to stay
perfectly still.

Do not blow this.

- Whoa, this guy's
got a lemonade bag.

Score!
[Slurping]

- The litigants
have been sworn in.

- Mr. Malloy,
you and your client

Are suing woody johnson
for moneys that he owes

To complete
the handicap-accessible

Renovations
to brickleberry park

And for pain and suffering
caused by, and I quote,

"Looking at his big, fat,
[bleep]ed-up face."

- Objection, your honor.

Let the record show
that my face

Is neither fat
nor [bleep]ed-up.

- Objection overruled.
It is both, sir.

- Now, dr. Kuzniak,
as a medical professional,

Would you say
that this amusement ride

Could actually
paralyze someone?

- Oh, not at all.

Actually, I find the blowjobber
to be quite stimulating.

I went on it nine times.

- Uh, we're not here to talk
about you getting blow jobs.

- Wait a minute.
You can get blow jobs?

- Denzel, as a black man,

You're familiar
with illegal activities.

Would you say that--

[Scoffs] your honor,
I can't continue with this.

- Mr. Jackson,
what is going on?

- Oh, you know, fun.

- Sir, do I have
to hold you in contempt?

- It's all right.
His friend's a cr*pple.

- I'm sorry, sir.
Proceed.

- All right, this is where
I make woody cr*ck.

So, mr. Johnson,
isn't it true

That you brought the carnival
to brickleberry

To purposefully paralyze
my client?

- No!

- So you're telling us

You did not bring the carnival
to brickleberry?

- Yes.
- So now you are lying

To the court.

- Uh, no--
uh, yes--what?

No, I would never do that.

I'm not that kind of guy.

- So you're telling
this court

That you're a perfectly
"decent man."

And remember,
you're under oath.

- [Stammers]

I mean, look, I've done
bad things in my life, okay?

I--oh, dear god,
who am I kidding?

I'm a piece of sh*t!

When I was six,
I french-kissed a burro

During a mexican
independence day parade.

I illegally downloaded
mamma mia!

And in 1989,
I showed my testes

To a drunk driver
at an ihop!

[Sobbing]
he offered me

Half a rooty tooty
fresh 'n fruity!

I'm only human!

- Mr. Malloy, what is the point
of this testimony?

- He had the nerve to suggest
that I get a job,

And it is fun
to tease the fat.

- Point taken.

Is the aggrieved party
ready to testify?

- We've won this, steve.

Just sit still
for five more minutes.

- No problem, I got this.
[Smack]

- You're the reverse
stephen hawking--

Body works,
sh*t for brains.

- All ye bearded ladies

And genital-nosed
freak assholes of the jury,

How about a huzzah
for steve?

Three cheers
for the paralyzed dickhead

Who's going to take
all of my money!

I guess you won, steve,
and you ruined the park forever.

Con-[bleep]ing-
gratulations.



You want my money, steve?
Here, take it!

Money, money, money,
money, money, money, money!

You want this one, steve?
Huh?

You like it?
You like mr. Franklin?

You want him? Here.
[Munching]

Dig it out of my sh*t!

- You're getting closer.

The face is--mm,

I don't know how you draw
a touch of down's,

But that's
what I'm thinking.



- Oh, I hope
you're happy, steve,

'Cause I'm a broken man.

- [Screams]

[All gasp]

Oh, god!
Ooh! Ooh!

So itchy!
Oh, oh!

Oh, ooh, ahh.

Ahh, ahh.
Ahh...

[Gavel banging]

- Your honor,
I'd like to drop all charges

Against woody johnson

And confide with my new client,
woody johnson.

We will be countersuing
mr. Steve williams for fraud.

- Ahh...
What?

- Thanks for winning
my money back

In that countersuit,
mr. Counselor.

Here, go buy
whatever you'd like.

Well, this almost covers
5% of my attorney fees.

[Distant screaming]

- Huh, the paralyzer.
I thought they shut that ride--

- [Screams]
- ow!

Oh! Steve!
[Bones crunching]

sh*t, you dumb
son of a bitch!

I can't feel my legs!

I can't move!

- Poke the cr*pple
in the eyeball!

- One, please.

- [Screams]
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