02x06 - Ranger Games

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Brickleberry". Aired: September 25, 2012 – April 14, 2015.*
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Series follows a group of park rangers as they work through their daily lives in the fictional Brickleberry National Park.
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02x06 - Ranger Games

Post by bunniefuu »

- So I was thinking, woody,

You should buy me
a new pet.

- Hell no.

Every time I do,
you do a shitty job

Of taking care of it.

- That is nonsense.

I am totally responsible.

- Oh, really?

- Who are we to question
god's plan?

Sure, I've missed a couple
vaccinations and meals,

But you can't pin
that hamster su1c1de on me.

- [Sniffle]
wasn't that the cutest

Little su1c1de note
you ever saw?

- Look, I've changed.

I promise I will not

Let another pet die
on my watch.

- Wait a minute.

What happened to that pony
I got you last month?

[Upbeat music]



- Aah!

- ♪ Brickleberry

- Listen up, rangers.

Brickleberry is hosting
the ranger games

For the first time
this year.

I cannot stress how important
it is that we win.

- We're ready to rock!

Uh, what are
the ranger games?

- Only the most important
competition between

All the world's
park rangers.

Ah, just watch this.

Ooh, wrong tape.

Here.

- On the evergreen tundra
of the world's

Most hallowed park grounds,
rangers from

Around the globe
gather to compete

For the coveted
golden acorn.

- g*dd*mn yellowstone
has won the ranger games

Every year since 1908.

Ha ha!

But now that brickleberry's
back in the games

For the first time
since 1982,

Their reign is over.

- Why haven't we had a team
compete since 1982?

- Yeah, uh, nobody knows.

- I know.

- Then in 1982 came
the ranger games' darkest day.

Brickleberry's
woody johnson

Was near flawless
in forest gymnastics.

But he was b*at out
by 1/10th of a point

By yellowstone's
john radcliff.

- What?
This is hogshit.

Aah!
[Grunts]

[Grunts]

I'm a winner.

You're being pissed on
by a winner!

[Laughing]

- At least you won
the gold medal

For being
a self-serving assh*le.

- It's called cycling.

- Yellowstone wouldn't
have won sh*t if they'd

Have let blacks play
in your stupid ranger games.

Instead, we had to compete
in our n*gro ranger games.

- Ah, denzel,
stop living in the past.

The ranger games have been
fully integrated since 2008.

So what sport you
gonna dominate, huh?

Running? Jumping?
Watching tbs?

- I'm gonna honor my hero
"frozen toes" carruthers,

The first black
figure skater,

By competing in his event.
- God damn it!

The one time you could've
been useful to me,

And you pick the one sport
black guys aren't good at.

- That is so wrong.

They're also bad
at swimming.

- Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

I'll do
the log deadlift event.

- Lesbian super strength
powers activate.

- I like to run.

- Vag-first into boners.
- Shut up.

So I'll take
the deadly animal dash.

- And I'll compete
in forest gymnastics.

- Forest gymnastics?

Hey, that's my old event.
- Exactly.

I'm gonna make you proud,
woody.

- And since when
are you a gymnast?

- I always loved the sport.

They didn't have male gymnastics
in my town though.

That didn't stop me.

[Cheers and applause]

[Grunting]

Oh.

- I see you went all out.

Was the home depot
out of mexicans?

- No, they won't
get in my car anymore,

Since the pinata incident.

Gather around, boys.
It's payday.

- You're paying them
with meth?

- Why not?
It saves them a step.

Plus, it makes 'em
work faster.

- Thanks, boss.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This bag
looks a little light.

- Yeah, f.i.c.a. Withholding.

- [Bleep] obama.

- Keep up the good work,
and you boys

Just might get a raise.

- Thank you, obama.

Let's get back to work.

- What the--

- [Muttering]
wow, I can use that.

Yeah, this'll fit.

This ought to fit.

- And who are you?

- Hobo larry's name
is hobo larry.

Yes, sir.
- Hmm.

Stray hobo, huh?

- [Whistling]

[Squish]
hey!

Who the hell took a sh*t
in my boot?

- Oh, that must've been
my new pet.

- Hobo larry's sorry about that,
yes, sir.

W-won't happen again.

- You have a pet hobo?

- You wouldn't buy me
my own pet,

So I had to make do.

- [Chuckles]
okay.

I see what's going on.

You're doing this
to screw with me.

Well, fine. You want
a pet hobo, have at it.

But if you
let this one die,

It's the last pet
you will ever get.

You understand me?
Ever!

- Thanks, daddy.

- Now where's my other boot?

Oh, god damn it!

- Hobo larry was wrong
about that whole

sh1tting in the boot thing
happening again, yes, sir.

- [Grunting]

[Flatulence]

- Aah!

- Aah! Whoa! Aah!

[Grunts]
yeah.

This sh*t ain't
for black people.

[Puma growls]

- How's it going,
team brickleberry?

Ready to kick
some yellowstone ass?

- I am.
Check this out, woody.

Damn it.

I guess I should buy
a male uniform.

But it was still
pretty awesome.

Right, woody?

What--woody?

- Excellent,
my new american friend.

- Who are you?

- Rangers,
meet the ringer I hired

To ensure victory
over yellowstone--

Olympic gold medal gymnast
magnus blickensderfer.

- Gymnast?
B-b-but that's my event!

- Oh, right, sorry, magnus.
That's steve's event.

You'll have to get back
on a plane

And go home to switzerland.

- Oh. Thanks so much, wood--

- Oh, shut the hell up,
steve.

Magnus ain't going
anywhere.

You suck at everything,
and you're off the team.

- Woody, you can't
do this to--

- Ooh, uh, your--mm-mm.
- I know!

- So you're really
an olympic champion?

- Yeah, but only twice.

- Wow. You won two events?

- No, I won
two entire olympics.

- Do you have a girlfriend?

- I'm saving myself
for marriage.

I cannot--
how you say--

Dip my meat
in your fondue.

But I can eat the cheese
all day and night.

- Oh, my.
[Chuckles]

- Oh, ethel's just thinking
with her privates.

I have a more intelligent
question.

Do you smoke the chronic?

- Good, you're all
getting to know magnus.

I brought you breakfast, pal.

Ah, don't waste energy
chewing your protein.

I'll handle that.

This'll digest nicely.

And the second that turd
starts to crown,

Give me a call.

- Woody, why did you
replace me

With this swiss miss?

I told you,
I'm good at gymnastics.

- Well, it's pretty simple.

Magnus is a winner.
You're a...steve.

- Don't feel bad.

Everyone seems like a steve

When you compare them
to magnus blickensderfer.

- Why don't you go back
to your stupid country

With its prosperous economy

And stick that alemannic dialect
up your ass?

- Will you stop using wikipedia
to insult him?

- Even if
magnus burping-fur-burger

Is this "ringer" you claim,

There's one tiny problem--

He has to be a ranger to compete
in the ranger games.

- Right.

Thanks for
the reminder, steve.

Boom! Now he's a ranger.
- What?

- Hooray!
- Hell yeah!

- You may have the badge,
fondouche,

But you're not
a real park ranger,

So stay out of my way.

- Help!

- Watch and learn.

[Bear growling]

Ow! Hurts!

Aah! Hurts bad!

- Aw, he's like the son
that I didn't

Let drown in the lake
'cause I was drunk.

- Magnus is too big
for the seatbelt, yah?

- Yah. Listen, magnus,

You seem like a nice guy.

- I like you too, steven.

- I didn't say
I liked you.

Look, I'll do anything
to get back on the team.

So, I'm sorry about this.

- Sorry about what--

- So much for the ringer.
[Gasps]

- Steve, are you okay?
- How the--aah!

- Hobo larry,
how many times

Do I have to tell you?

No indoor fires.

- [Grunts]

Well, how is hobo larry
gonna keep warm?

- You ever hear of
the thermostat?

- I got a thermos and a bat,
but the bat's dead.

Yes, sir.
- Look.

I just need
to keep you alive

For a week or two

So woody will buy me
a real pet, okay?

Now here, eat your dinner.

- [Grunting]

- That's a good boy.

[Train horn blows]

- Yeah, this'll fit.
This ought to fit.

- [Chuckles]

- I appreciate you taking
such good care of me.

H-hobo larry loves you,
malloy.

- I love you, hobo larry.

- Uhh!

Mmm-mmm, re-barfed beans.

- [Gasps]
what happened?

- We got into a wreck.

- What?
- Are you okay?

- Well, i-i...
- Some water?

- A back rub?
- Over-the-drawers hand job?

- Broke my nose.
Almost d*ed.

Hello.
- Wow.

They hate you so much.

- Shut up, mal--
oh, cool hobo.

What is he, a wino?
Junkie?

- He's a schizo-wino mix.

I'm thinking of
having his ears clipped.

- [Grunting]

- You guys,
open your eyes.

This jerk has you fooled
into thinking

He's the best thing since

Viggo mortensen
erotic fan fiction.

- Well, isn't he?
- No.

What do you even know
about this foreigner?

He could be a child molester
or a convict or a t*rror1st.

- Oh, that's rich--
a swiss t*rror1st.

The swiss are neutral,
dumb-ass!

Oh, boy, are you stupid.

[Laughter]

- Ugh!

- All right, everybody,
back to practice.

- Oh! Whoa!

How you stop?
How you stop?

[Grunts]

Screw this.
I'm gettin' a trainer.

Yo, old-timer, wake up.

- [Snores]
hey. Huh?

What you want, punk?

- I was told that frozen toes
carruthers lived here.

Are you him?
- I used to be.

Now they call me
"no toes" carruthers.

- Oh, man. Did you lose
your toes to frostbite?

- Hell no!
Diabetes.

- Oh. It's an honor
to meet you.

Listen, I need your help.

I wanna be a champion
ice skater like you.

Can you teach me?
- Yes, I can.

Or my name ain't
"no penis" carruthers.

- Damn, you lost that
to diabetes too?

- Nah, frostbite.

I got drunk
and [bleep] a snowman.

Now let's get to work.

- Steve, I brought
your spanx back.

- [Sobbing]

- Steve, are you okay?

- Go away, connie.

I wanna be alone.
- No way.

You're not going
through this alone.

- Okay. This is weird.

- Expressing your feelings
is not weird, steve.

- I want so badly
to win my event

So woody will finally
respect me.

Maybe I can cheat my way
back on to the team.

- Steve, listen to me.

I know you're hurt.

But you can't
take shortcuts

Just to win
woody's approval.

- Oh, like you'd know
anything about it.

- Let me tell you a story
about a little girl,

We'll call her,
uh, connie,

Who wanted to play football

So badly,
she took steroids.

[Cheers and applause]

[Grunting]

Oh, yeah!

[Grunts]

They destroyed her mind
and body

And turned her
into a monster.

All: connie! Connie!
Connie! Connie!

- [Growls]

So the lesson is
don't ever take ster--

Steve?

- I've never injected anyone

With this many
steroids before.

But that's why we call it
a medical "practice."

- Welcome to brickleberry park

And the 2013 ranger games.

- Aah!

- [Grunts]

Crowd: ooh.

[Cheers and applause]

- Well, well.

If it isn't woody johnson.

I guess they'll let
any psychopath

Back in the ranger games
these days.

[Laughs]

- Radcliff,
I will rip the head off

Your mother's rotten corpse

And make her go down
on herself.

Hey, who you callin'
a psychopath?

- Oh, man, I'm missin'
the opening ceremonies.

We gotta get
this training started.

What's first?
- Iron my laundry, bitch.

- What? How is that
gonna help me ice skate?

- How dare you question
"crisp shirt" carruthers?

Now let's start
the training montage.

They don't call me "breaking
the fourth wall" carruthers

For nothing.

Mop that floor.

Cut that sandwich.

Wipe my ass.

- I'm still not sure
how bringing you

A keg of colt 45
is training to be--

What?

I've been doing
all these chores

Just to set up
some stupid party?

I knew that wasn't training.

- You're right, son,
that wasn't training.

This is.
- Gettin' drunk?

- My secret to skating
like a steed on speed

Is to do it while [bleep] up
and liquor and weed.

- If it rhymes,
it's gotta be true.

[Rustling]

- What is it, boy?

- [Growls]

[Both grunting]

- Oh, no.

That's not one of your
regular scabs, buddy.

That stray hobo bit you.

- Oh, no.
Oh, god, no.

Bitten by a rabid hobo--

Son, I'm afraid we'll
have to put your pet down.

But don't worry.
It'll be extremely painful.

- No!
- Well, okay.

But if he shows any sign,
you'll have to follow

The american medical
association's guidelines

And "cap that cr*cker
in his mother[bleep] dome."

[All cheering]

[Puma growling]

[Puma growls]

- Now taking the ice
for team brickleberry,

Denzel jackson.

- Whoo!

[Beatboxing]

[Giggles]

[Beatboxing]

[Vomits]

I hope I made you proud,
mr. Carruthers.

- Mr. Carruthers?
Why, he d*ed in 1998.

This is silly willie.

He has severe late stage
alzheimer's. Very sad.

- They don't call me
"where the [bleep] am i?" Willie

For nothing.

- Now, for our final event--
forest gymnastics.

- Ha! Look at 'em, magnus.

You've got radcliff
so scared,

He doesn't even have someone
to go up against you.

The golden acorn
is as good as ours.

[Laughs maniacally]

- You guys, I'm really worried
about steve.

I can't find him anywhere.

- Competing for
team brickleberry,

The swiss fist...
Magnus blickensderfer.

[Cheers and applause]

And for team yellowstone,

The ranger of danger
steve williams.

- What's up, b*tches?

[All groaning]

- [Gasps] steve,
what did you do to yourself?

- I took a sh*t-ton
of steroids,

Like you told me to.

- I never told you
to do that.

- You implied it.

And now look at the steve--

He's ripped!

- Did you work out at all?

- You have to work out?

What the hell good
are steroids then?

Ah, doesn't matter.

I'm gonna win either way.

[Roars]

[Grunting]

[Crying]

- Uh, I think the 'roids

Are messing with
your emotions, steve.

- Shut your fat filthy
whore mouth!

[Crying]
I'm sorry, connie.

I always loved you.

Eat my balls in hell!

- Why would you do this?

- Nothing is more important
than winning, connie.

You're just jealous,
because the steve is a winner!

- Please, the steve,
listen to me.

I'm your friend.
- [Scoffs]

I don't need friends.

I need to crush that ringer.

[Growls]

[Panting]

Okay, my balls
just disappeared.

Oh, god.
What am I doing?

What have I become?

Everyone, can I have
your attention?

I have something to say.

- Hey, adele, shut up and sing
rolling in the deep.

- In a minute.

I, steve williams,

Am withdrawing
from this event.

- What? Why?

- Because I've hurt
everyone I care about,

Including my nuts.

I thought winning was
the most important thing,

But it isn't.

Family is,
my brickleberry family.

I pushed all of you away,
even this cool new guy

Named magnus
bird-turd-[bleep].

- That was a nice speech,
the steve.

And you're right, I will
totally be friends with you.

Right after I blow
this entire place up!

Yah!
Oh-ho!

[All gasp]

- Magnus is a t*rror1st?

I was right. Yes!

I told you!
In your face!

Oh, great.
I'm lactating.

- Stay where you are.

This whole place
is littered with bombs,

All wired
to this detonator

In my swiss army Kn*fe.

- But--but you're swiss.

How could you
be a t*rror1st?

- Because the world mocks us
for being neutral,

For not choosing a side.

So I vow to destroy
both sides.

- I'm really confused
by your message.

- Hey, I'm swiss.

I'm new to the whole
t*rror1st thing, yah?

Now shut up
and prepare to die.

- Sorry, guys.
This is all my fault.

I really effed us in the ass
good, deep, and hard.

- Not yet you haven't.

One of us has the power
to b*at magnus--

The power of steroids.

- Do it for brickleberry, son.

- Let's dance.

- Don't come any closer,
fat man,

Or everybody goes boom,
yah?

- Easy now.

Drop the Kn*fe
full of useless attachments,

And we can settle this
like men--

Through gymnastics.

- You don't have the balls
to take me down.

Literally.

That's far enough.

Death to some small part
of america.

I thought I wired
the scissors.

Magnifying glass?
No.

Nail file?
No.

Fish scaler?
No.

Bubble wand?
No.

Pregnancy test?
No.

Lipstick?
No.

Chapstick?
No.

Stain stick?
No.

Glue stick?
No.

Glow stick?
No.

Blow torch?
No.

Smaller swiss army Kn*fe?
No.

Baby dildo?

- Aah!
- [Grunts]

[Both grunt]

[Both grunt]

[Cheers and applause]

- You did it, steve.
You saved us.

- [Laughs]
that was amazing.

Sorry I ever doubted
your gymnastic skills.

- The judges have a winner
for the gymnastics event.

- Wait.
They were judging that?

- A perfect score
for steve williams.

- I can't believe it.
I won! I won!

- With that victory,
the golden acorn goes to...

Yellowstone national park.

- God damn it!

Die, steve, die, die!

- It's like a hug--

A violent hug
that's slowly k*lling me.

- [Grunting]

- No, woody.

- There's no hope
for him now, malloy.

He's sufferin'.

You know what
we've gotta do.

- I know, woody.

But he's my hobo.
I'll do it.

- [Grunting]

[g*nsh*t]

[Phone ringing]

- Hello?
- Hi, malloy.

It's dr. Kuzniak.

I just wanted
to let you know

That there's no such thing
as hobo rabies.

Turns out I was tripping balls
on ecstasy yesterday.

Bye.

- Poor old hobo larry.

I'm gonna make sure
he gets a proper funeral.

- [Grunts]

One of these days, malloy,

You are gonna k*ll something
that won't flush.

- Aah!
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