02x09 - The Animals Strike Back

[bunniefuu]

[Tires screech]

[g*nsh*t, thud]

- Oh, where those your parents?

Poor little guy.
Oh, well.

Time erases
traumatic memories.

At least that's what
my scout leader told me

When he made me suck his--
hmm...

Huh. It does work.

Don't worry, little cub.
I'll take care of you.

- Son, never forget us.

Never forget
where you came from.

- Goo-goo, gaa...

God damn, I'm good.

[g*nshots]

- Malloy, what do you say

We take a hike
and connect with nature?

- I have all the nature
I need right here.

Die, you worthless animals!

[g*nshots]

[Beeping, b*mb whistles]

[expl*si*n]

- Extinction achieved!

- So this sh*t was rated "e"
for everyone, huh?

- Aah!

- ♪ Brickleberry

- Oh, god.
It's that day again.

It's malloy's parents'
murderversary.

[Gulps]

Don't look guilty.
Don't look guilty.

- Steve?
- Aah! I'm sorry!

- Uh, for what?

- Uh, uh--

[Grunts]
- oh!

- For that.

Just wanted to apologize
beforehand.

- Apology accepted, steve.

- Steve, don't you ever
hit connie with a chair!

Use the connie club.

That's
what it's there for.

Now listen up, rangers.

It's april 22nd.
Also known as--

- The day that malloy's parents
were k*lled!

- No. Earth day.

Jesus, steve.
Why would you bring that up?

- Well, not because
there's a horrible memory

Or crushing guilt
weighing on me.

Oh, look at the time.

Ah!

[Pounding on glass]

- Woody, since when do you
care about earth day?

- Since always, ethel.

Earth is my planet.

And my planet is full
of soupy dipshits

Who go to national parks
on earth day

To pretend to give a flying
sheep's queef about nature.

Aka, this is the day
we makes da mad benjamins.

Am I right, denzel?

- Yeah, you would be,
if this was the early '90s

And you were black.

- Actually, denzel,

It wasn't until the late '90s

When "benjamins" entered
the black verna--

Oh!

- Denzel!
It's three steps away!

- [Farts]

- Ooh, almost had it.

- My god!
What is the point of this?

- It's for the environment,
ethel.

I'm trying to return
this trout

To its natural habitat--
that deep fryer.

[Splash]

Jackpot!

- Woody, this is a joke.

Your "celebration of nature"
is destroying our park.

- Ethel, that offends me.

Now shut up and help me
oil up these pelicans.

- Malloy!

There's my best
little orphaned friend.

- What is up with you?

Every year,
around this time,

You start acting weirder
than usual.

- Nonsense.
[Nervous laugh]

Here, I got you a card.

- "So your parents d*ed
in a gruesome accident.

♪

Better luck next time."

Uh, how is this supposed
to cheer me up?

- Sorry.
What else can I do?

- How about stick your d*ck
in a beehive?

- On it.

Honeybee or yellow jacket?

- Whichever one's
more aggressive.

- Yellow jacket it is.

Huh, this isn't so bad.
[Insects buzzing]

It kind of tickles.

Aagh!

Now it's bad!

Aah!
They're stinging my penis.

They are really stinging
my penis!

Something must have
pissed them off. Oh!

- Wow, that actually
cheered me up

More than
I thought it would.

- Okay.
I'll stick with it.

[Groans]

- Well, time to do my part
for the environment.

- Well, not only is it quiet,

It's the safest car
on the ro--aah!

[Moose snorts]

- This really is quiet.

They can't even
hear me coming.

[Bison bellows]

[Cell phone rings]

What?

- Malloy, it's steve.

I'm calling
from the hospital.

Turns out I'm allergic
to yellow jackets.

The good news is, my penis
is now 13 inches...wide.

- Feel free to never
call me again, okay?

[Sighs]
this is the life.

- Hello, bear.
We need to talk.

- Jessica simpson?

[Smack]

- Oh, so this is the animal

That thinks he is a human.

Hello, human.

Can we get you
some answering machine?

[Laughter]

Or perhaps a mcburger king?

[Loud laughter]

- Is this, like, a--
is this tyler perry humor?

Because I do not get it.
- Silence!

Look at these animals
that you drove upon

With your fuel-efficient
death machine.

- I didn't see a single
animal crossing sign.

So whose fault's that?

- Screw you, human lover.

Let me eat this p*ssy, boss.

- Easy, joe wolf.

No one will be eating p*ssy
today.

[All groan]
- ah, man.

- The bear is not to blame.

The humans made him this way.

I am moose nazir,
leader of the animals.

Welcome to my humble home.

Please, bring this honored guest
our finest foods.

[Flies buzzing]

- So all your other foods
are worse than this?

- Come now, this is a great
delicacy for an animal.

I harvest
these larvae myself,

From the anus
of a magnificent elk carcass.

- I just had
the bottomless bowl

Of ass maggots
at the olive garden.

Sorry, I am gonna--
oh, I gotta go home.

- To the human world?

You don't belong there.

What is so wrong
with this place?

- Um, ass maggots.

- Fair enough.
You are free to go.

I just thought
you might want to know

What really happened
to your parents.

- My parents were accidentally
k*lled by a tourist.

- Huh?
k*lled by a tortoise?

- No, a tourist.

- Who you calling a tourist,
you uppity little bitch?

I've lived here
for 273 years.

I did blow off
sacagawea's ass!

- Oh, you poor,
misguided bear.

You live, eat, sleep
among the human rangers,

And yet you don't know that one
of your beloved rangers

m*rder*d your parents!

- What?
That's impossible.

- I saw it with my own eyes.

- Holy sh*t.
Who was it?

- I don't know.
They all look the same to me.

- I know which one it was.

The purple one.

- Wolves are color-blind,
joe wolf!

You don't know what the [bleep]
you're talking about.

- He sounded purple.

- How could they?

- Feel the anger
surge through your veins.

Let it overtake you.

- I want blood.

- As dipping sauce
for ass maggots, right?

- No, for revenge.

- Well, revenge
is a dish best served

With ass maggots.

Seriously, just try one
of these ass maggots.

- I just don't get it.

Why would a ranger
k*ll my parents?

- Because humans are evil.

This injuries are just
from the earth day celebration.

Our doctors have been working
around the clock.

Give me your report,
dr. Gooseniak.

- Hmm, this fox
has a serious head wound.

Lick it.

This skunk has
a severely broken leg.

Lick it.

And this raccoon
has a sprained penis.

Gary, you've sprained your penis
every day this week.

- What can I say?
I lead an active life.

Now make with the licking.

- Humans have always
mistreated animals.

- What can I do to help?

- Malloy,
you are the only one

That can communicate our demands
to those filthy humans.

Take up our cause,
and I promise you vengeance

For your parents.

- I'll do it.

- Oh, I just remembered.
I also sprained my balls.

- The bad news is,
the yellow jackets

That burrowed up
my pee hole

Made a nest
out of my prostate.

- Jesus,
what's the good news?

- I'm pissing honey.

- Wow, malloy.

You look so serious.
Everything all--

- Silence, human.

- Malloy, what's wrong?

You've never
called connie human before.

- Because that's
what you all are.

And we have a lot of problems
with humans.

- Oh, yeah?
Who's "we"?

Did you make
some new furry friends?

Good for you.

- Here's a list
of all of our demands.

- Aw, that's cute.

"Stop polluting.
No more motor vehicles.

And more hot,
wet goat cooter"?

- Hell, yeah!

I mean, how did that
get on there?

I mean, baa.

- Malloy, that is a bunch

Of adorable,
time-wasting nonsense.

Anything else?
- Yes.

Turn over the ranger
who k*lled my parents.

- [Gasps]
- a ranger k*lled your parents?

Impossible!

No ranger could do something
so cruel.

Right, steve?

- [Gasps]
- steve, shut up.

You sound like adele
walking up a flight of stairs.

- Sorry.
- So woody, do we have a deal?

- Aw, daddy's little fuzzy wuzzy
wants to be a commie.

What're you gonna do
if we don't comply

With all your
wittle bittie demands?

Strike?

How the hell do animals
go on strike?

- Uh, yeah, I probably
should have offered

To help with those signs.

- Hey! You!

Where are you going?
You just got here.

- Hey, no one wants to go
to a park without animals.

- Yeah, it's like going
to a lakers game

And not getting gangbanged
by the team

While my husband
pulls the car around.

- Yeah!
What'd she say?

[Glass shatters]
- you two!

Go round us up some animals

Who aren't afraid to cross
a picket line.

- Scabs?

You want us to get you
scab animals?

- Don't think of them
as scabs.

Think of them
as improvements.

You know,
like when jar jar

Kicked that star wars franchise
into hyperspace.

[Laughs]

Swims like a fish,
talks like a sl*ve.

It's brilliant!

How did george come up
with that?

Oh, he's a [bleep] genius.

- Oops.
My bad.

I didn't mean to k*ll
an animal.

- It's okay.
Fish are assholes.

[Spits]

You are learning well,
young cub.

And for that,
I want to give you a gift.

- Awesome.
Lay it on me, naz.

Oh, what is happening
right now?

- You gotta be kidding me!

Moose nazir has never let
another animal sniff his butt.

Do you have any idea
what a big honor this is?

- No?
- You ungrateful bastard.

Let me get in there, boss.
I'll sniff you good.

I'll get in so deep,

You'll be shittin' boogers
for a month.

- No, joe wolf.

This honor is reserved

For the son I never had.

- I'm an animal.
This is what animals do.

Just do it.
[Sniffs]

Oh...what an honor.

Oh.
[Gags]

- Oh, you like it?
Please.

Grab a sniff for the road.

- Scab animals?
Has woody lost his g*dd*mn mind?

- Yes, but this
is an opportunity

To help neglected
and abused animals.

We can give them
the life they deserve.

Like this hungry
little kitty.

[Cat yowls]
ow! Bastard!

- [Muttering indistinctly]
[rat squeaking]

[Cat screeches]

- Look at that man
just abusing his dog.

Making him wear
an arizona cardinals jersey.

Excuse me, sir.

Would you happen to have
the time?

- Why, yes, it's--
- your dog's a frozen turkey.

- Oh, my god!

Then what did I put
in the oven?

- What's all this?

- I'm going through all
the old park's security footage

To prove our innocence.

- Well, good luck
making your way

Through countless hours of--
- hey, look at this.

It's a tape
from the same day

Malloy ended up
on our doorstep.

- [Gasps]
- wow, steve.

You sound like adele
going down on me.

Is everything okay?

- No.
No, it's not.

The jig is up, connie.

There's something
I need to admit.

- Jar jar binks,
what are you doing in my room?

[As jar jar binks]
meesa like.

Meesa like you.

Oh jar jar,
what are you doing?

Jar jar, this is crazy!

Stop. Stop.
Don't stop.

Don't--oh. Ah.

Oh, that feels good.

[Cat meows weakly]

- Jesus christ!

When I said "scab animals,"

I didn't mean animals
with scabs on 'em!

Does that cat
have feline aids?

- Nah, just regular aids.
[Cat croaks]

- Well, there's nothing
wrong with the poodle.

- He's over there picketing!

[Poodle barks]

This is a disaster!

The tourists are all gone!

- The strike is working.

Soon, they'll
give into our demands

And turn over the prick
who k*lled my parents.

- [Laughs]
patience, my son.

The strike was just a device

To get the rangers
alone and vulnerable.

It's time for phase two.

- Make them smell your ass?

- No. k*ll them.
All of them!

- [Chokes]

- You know what will help
that cough?

A quick butt sniff.
- [Sniffs]

- What the [bleep],
joe wolf?

You trying to sneak
a sniff?

- No, boss.
I just lost my car keys.

I thought I saw 'em
in your butt.

- All right, ethel.
We tried it your way.

Now we're gonna try it
my way.

Give me 100 unmarked,
non-consecutive puppies.

And don't try to give me
the ones with the dye packs.

I'm onto you,
mother[bleep]!

- Wow, crime does pay.

You think we have enough?
- We should.

We knocked over 2 zoos,
12 pet stores,

And a chuck e. Cheese.

♪

g*dd*mn puppy dye pack!

- We will k*ll the humans,
you will have your revenge,

But we won't stop there.

We will punish any animal

Who associates
with human things.

Ah, neil.

How are you, my friend?

- Just chillin'
like a motherbucker.

What's up with you,
moose n?

- You haven't been enjoying
any human food, have you?

Maybe rooting around
in the trash can?

You know this
is against our rules.

- No way.
I hate human food.

Ah, sh*t!
- k*ll him.

- Oh, no!
Oh! Oh, it hurts!

- Whoa, I did not realize
you guys were this intense.

- That's right.
I even ordered the tiger hit

On siegfried and roy.
- Wow.

I thought that tiger just hated
magicians like everyone else.

I cannot believe
they k*lled neil

For eating a doughnut.

I just need to calm down,
relax.

No more human stuff.

Right after
I b*at gears of w*r...

And eat a king-sized
snicker bar...

And this
buffalo chicken pizza...

And get a happy ending
from this filipino hooker.

- [Laughs]

Looks like someone's
sniffed his last moose ass.

Nice.

- [Groans]

"The key to being
a safe driver--"

[Thud, tires screech]

Oh, my god!

Wait.
You're both still alive.

I'll go call for help.
[Groans]

[g*nsh*t]

[g*nsh*t]

[g*nsh*t]

Aah!

Ugh, I can't
keep living like this.

I'm gonna do something

I should have done
a long time ago.

- [Snores]

- Connie, wake up.

- Aah!
[Glass shatters]

Ugh!

Sorry.
What's going on, steve?

- There's something
I need to show you.

- Steve, that's so sweet,
but this is something

I've never told anyone before.

I'm gay.
Oh, my god.

It feels so good
to finally say it.

What a burden lifted.

- That's not why I'm here.
It's this.

[As connie]
look at me. I'm connie.

I'm driving.

Oops!
I hit something.

Dum dee dum dum dum dum.

Bang!
sh*t malloy's parents.

I'm so stupid.

- Oh, no.
It was me.

I k*lled malloy's parents.

I need to confess to him
right now!

- But those animals
might k*ll you.

- It's what I deserve.

Unless there's some other piece
of information

That could clear my name
and save my life.

- Hmm,
not that I'm aware of.

- [Screams]

- What have I done?

They're gonna k*ll connie.

- Screw that fat bitch.
Who cares if they k*ll her?

- What about you?

Hello?
Is anyone there?

- I don't know, man.
Just do what he said.

[Sighs]

- What up, my brethren?

- I can't believe
you would hurt me like this.

- Uh-oh.
Somebody's in trouble.

- I have no idea
what you're talking about.

- So you didn't spend all day

On your boxed "x"
playing queers of whore?

- I can honestly say no
to that.

- And to think I opened
my anus to you.

- I'm sorry, moose nazir.

Please, it will never
happen again.

- Attention, animals.

I am--
- a bloated, ginger she-beast!

But also completely innocent.

- That first part
was kind of mean.

- No, connie,
it was honesty,

And that's
what we need right now.

Malloy, I did it.

I k*lled your parents.

- I should have known.

You're dead, steve.

- Good.
Redeem yourself.

Allow your animal instincts
to take control.

Eat his face off.

- [Laughs]
I'm sorry.

It just sounded like you said,
"eat his face off."

- I did.
- [Laughs] I'm sorry.

It just sounded
like you said, "I did."

What? Wait, wait, wait.
This is crazy.

Did you just nod?
- Do it!

- Hey, this might not be
the right time,

But are you
khloe kardashian?

You're nowhere near as ugly
as you are on television.

- And that's
the whole story, malloy.

- You expect me to believe
that you tripped,

sh*t two bears through the head
with one b*llet?

- I know.

Imagine how surprised
your parents were.

- Come on, malloy bear.
Do it.

Show us you
are a true animal.

For once you eat his face,
you can never go back!

Do it!

- Malloy, I deserve
to be eaten alive.

Here's some arby's
horsey sauce packets

That I think would go great
with my face.

- Do it now!

- Uh, uh...

Uh, ah, uh...

Ugh, I can't eat his face.

You sure
I should eat him raw?

Can't I get salmonella?

- Proof you are a human lover!

- So what if I am?
I like my life.

I belong with the humans.

And if that bothers you,

I guess you'll just have
to k*ll all of us.

- All right.
Let's k*ll all of them.

- Ooh, I suck at ultimatums.

Look! Johnny depp!

- Where?
Where is johnny depp?

♪

- Connie, do something!

- Here.

- What should we do now?

- Let's start with connie
putting a shirt back on.

♪

- Where the hell did
all those stupid animals go?

Hey, I'm ready to negotiate!

- Here they are!
- Where? Aah! Ow!

♪

- Now, my little furry friend.

This is how you eat a face.

Ah...

- Stop! I didn't want it
to come to this,

But you've left me
with no choice.

att*ck, my children!

[Insects buzzing]

Ow! Ah!
No, no, them!

Aah! Them!
att*ck them!

[g*nsh*t]

[b*llet ricocheting]

- Ha! You missed!

[Ricochet]

- You had a g*n
the whole time?

♪

- Well, I gotta say, ethel.

You do put on a better earth day
celebration than me.

- I hope we all learned
a valuable lesson--

That everyone
needs to respect nature

And be nicer to animals.

- Or, when you do
k*ll an animal,

Replace it with a robot.

♪

[Camera shutter snaps]

[Men grunting]

- Well, it's that day again,
malloy.

I wanted to say I'm sorry
for what I did.

- Ah, don't worry about it,
steve.

After all, if you
didn't k*ll my parents,

I wouldn't be watching
bumfights,

Eating this microwave
corn dog right now.

Animals don't know
what they're missing.

- Well, I guess I did you
a favor, huh?

- Sure. And as a thank you,
I got you a surprise.

- Mom? Dad?

[g*nsh*t]

- And now we're even.

- [Laughs]

[Tapping keys,
bell dings]

♪