01x15 - Our Bodies, Our Elves

[bunniefuu]

Hey!

Hear ye, hear ye!

But don't look ye, look ye!

By order of His Majesty, King Zog,
today is Wash Day.

Keep your one garment fresh and clean
with an annual washing,

and your bodies, as well,
on alternate years.

Oh, dear.
I shouldn't have mixed me colors.

Hey, this will brighten
their final moments.

I hope this doesn't mean
all my material needs to be clean now.

Get it? Get it? Irma?
I'm talking to you. Get it?

I should've married Turbish
when I had the chance.

Is there any way you can hurry up?

I can't cover my tinkler
without leaving my bum-bum uncovered,

but if I cover my bum-bum,
my tinkler is lewdly exposed.

Oh, there's no hurrying Wash Day, lad.

Every garment needs a good soapy scrub,

and then,
a fine day drying out in the sun.

Clothes are for suckers.

That's easy for you to say.
You have no sense of decency.

And no genitalia.

Can you just relax and enjoy it?

Just feel the sun on your skin,
the wind in your hair,

and stop being ashamed of your body
for one day.

Have a little fun.

Take off your boots!

See? Fun.

Away with the muck.

Whee!

- What's that smell, Father?
- The humans are having Wash Day.

And it looks like
they're sending us the gift of water.

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

Mmm. It sure feels good in my open wounds.

Hey, it's some kinda street gravy.

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

Halt. By order of His Majesty's
Minister of Health and Inhuman Services,

Elf Alley is under quarantine.

My friends are in there. My dad, Pops.

I've gotta see them. Let us in!

Does the word "quarantine" mean

people can't go in
or people can't come out?

Words have meaning?

Thank God, help has arrived.

The king has sent
some brave hero to save...

Oh, it's just Elfo. We're dead.

I can't stand to see my people
suffer like this.

Is there anything I can do to help?

You look heavy. Step on us,
and put us out of our misery.

The meeting! The meeting is starting!

Everybody in! Crawl if you have to!

Not through the water!

Ow!

Ow!

- Ow!
- Third time's a charm.

We are facing
an unprecedented health crisis.

All of our cures have failed.

I'm looking at you, Placebo.

- What do we do?
- We're dying!

Please hurry. I'm sitting next to Barfo.

Quiet! There is one possibility,
but it's merely a legend.

The fruit of an ancient tree
known only as the Legendberry.

Uh, but that's an old elves' tale.
No one's ever seen a Legendberry.

I've seen one.

Back when I was on the road,
selling candy door-to-door.

The work weren't easy, but lemme tell ya,
there were fringe benefits.

Oh, I met some lonely ladies, I did,

seeking comfort
in the arms of a traveling sales-elf.

I remember I got stuck in a chimney once,
when the man of the house...

Get to the point!

Well, sir, I was way upriver.

Didn't have much luck
selling my chocolate nonpareils.

That's how you pronounce it, you know,
"non-par-eyes."

Get to the point!

So, I hiked over the mountain

and found myself
in the Valley of the Ogres.

And that's where I saw it.
The Legendberry tree.

Come on, now. A Valley of the Ogres?
I'm highly dubious.

Ogres are our sworn enemies.
They're everyone's enemies.

Yes, yes, except their own.
Sit down, Annoyo.

Going to ogre territory
is out of the question.

We'd be k*lled
before we even get the berries.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Enough! You have our attention.

- Also, thank you, Shocko.
- Ooh.

I'll get your berries.
I'll get ya the whole dang tree.

But it'll cost ya.

Name your price, sir.

Also, name your name.

They call me "Handsome" Wade Brody Jr.

Ten thousand gold pieces is my fee.

I'll take half now,
the other half at the same time.

Oh, give us a minute.
We'll need to pass the hat.

Braino?

I had no idea you elves were so rich.

Oh, this? It doesn't even have
chocolate in it.

We've got so many of these
from candy sales,

- we can't even keep track.
- Hmm.

Pops, there you are.
I've gotta talk to you.

Oh, Elfo, those poor saps are goners.
And I don't feel so hot, neither.

Oh, Pops, that's geezer talk.
You'll outlive us all.

Pops?

Pops? What are you doing on the ground?

Oh, my boy, I think
this might be the end for me.

There's just so much I meant to tell ya.
So much you need to know.

Like, for starters,
don't never touch no one who's sick.

- Eww.
- And second, about your mom.

There's a reason
it's been so hard to tell ya.

Because, you see, she's dead.

What? What do you mean?

Well, it all started
when she stopped breathing.

No, I know how death works.
I mean, how did it happen?

Truth is, I got her k*lled.

It's gonna haunt me
for the rest of my life,

which should be ending any second.

I think I'll be going into a coma.
Yep, there I go.

Sir, I need to come with you.
My dad is dying.

Sorry, I work alone.

Please, I'm honest,
humorless, hardworking,

and, in a pinch, I can serve as ballast
or even an anchor.

If you'd like to check my references,
she's right here.

Hi.

Do you two have any experience

with monsters
and life-threatening adventures?

Actually, yeah.

With alarming regularity.

In that case, you can come aboard
and regale us with stories

if I ever find myself totally regaled out.

Luci, come on, hop in.
We could use your help.

There are people, elves, here,
who could use my help even more, Bean.

And if you weren't so selfish,
you'd realize that.

It's time someone thought
about these poor, poor, rich elves.

Ugh.

I hope you have a stomach
for danger and lots of baked beans.

You sound like this guy we know.
He's the captain of a party barge.

Arr, that's my dad,
"Handsome" Wade Brody Sr.

We don't talk anymore. Things got ugly.

And so did my dad.

Turn back! Turn back! Turn back!

Danger is my business,
heroism is merely a hobby.

But my real passion
is relentless self-promotion.

Wait, are you boasting
about your bragging? That's cool.

Meet your new first mate.

Good thing
you had a sailor suit in my size.

Yeah, I almost threw it out
after the monkey d*ed.

You know, this is kind of pleasant.

Enjoy it now. This is the fun part.

Sing-alongs, shuffleboard, trivia night.

And I am loving the buffet.

But as we draw nigh
to ogre territory, beware.

Because you'll be the buffet,

and the only trivia will be
what became of your skull.

- Candle holder?
- Bowling ball?

Correct.

Relax now,
because once we get to ogre territory,

we need to be on guard.

No man comes back from there,

and if they have,
they don't talk about it.

You're talking about it right now.

Enough of your nervous chitter-chatter.
We need to be ready to fight.

Last time, I found myself
surrounded by ogres.

Luckily, I knew
the only thing they're afraid of is fire.

I drove off the entire horde
with my very last match,

and still had enough flame left
to light a celebratory cigar.

Which attracted
a swarm of blood-sucking tobacco bats,

but that's another story.

Which I will now tell you.

Make yourselves comfortable.
This is a long one.

Shut up.

Okay, elves, this way
for Luci's Hell-Care health care,

which is actually slightly less evil
than most health care plans.

What's a "last will and testament"?

It's just a little agreement between you
and your closest relatives.

Just check here that I'm your brother,
and here that I'm your mother.

And great! Come on in.

This is not good.

How about a big glass of water
to wash those down?

Pops, you're awake?

I was having the most wonderful coma.
It was a little on the warm side.

And I was surrounded by a million
tiny black kitty-cats just like you.

Some had wings. Some had pitchforks.

All my old friends was there, even Weirdo.

Nope, he's still here.

Well, where's my boy, Elfo?

He went to steal those berries
you were talking about.

What?

Gonna punch you
right in the face, you...

Break your neck, you...

Shh!

Will you shut up?

Poke you in the eyeball
and stick it in your...

And tear out your tongue.

"Fantastic Tales
for Timid Boys Illustrated"?

"How I Vanquished the Ogre Horde."

"Tobacco Bats Sucked My Blood"?

That dirty fibber.

He just stole those stories
from this book for timid boys.

Bean, Bean, wake up!

This guy's no hero.
He's a phony and I can prove it!

What is that? People eating crackers?

Yeah, that's probably what it is.
Yeah, that's definitely what it is.

Bean! Bean, wake up!

Get your leaves off her,
you damn dirty vines!

These plants, what the hell are they?

You tell me, you big fat fraud!
You're no tough guy, are you?

Hell, no. I'm just a used boat salesman.

I didn't sign up for this
when I signed up for this!

I'm outta here!

Call me if you're ever in the market
for a pre-owned barge!

What the...

We've got no choice!
We have to swim for it!

Come on!

That's why I lease instead of buy.

Ahh!

Bean. Bean, look.

Well, aren't you quite the jungle boy?

No, I'm just a little angry
at vines right now.

I think we're getting closer.

- What makes you say that?
- All those ogres.

Wait a minute. Ogres are afraid of fire.
Deathly afraid! Wade said so.

Ugh! Wade is a lying scumbag.

I swear, Bean, he got it all from a book.
He had no...

Bean, no. Ahh...

I'm Princess Tiabeanie!

Magic fire princess!

Fire! Fire! See the end of this stick?

Give me the berries!
Or else, fire! Scary, scary fire!

Oh.

Ow! Ow!

Can you please walk closer together?

It's all up to me.
Today, I am the bravest elf since Braveo.

At least until he chickened out,
and started pronouncing his name "Bravo"

and became the elf who applauds.

Oh! Wade! Wade! In here!
I knew you'd come back for us.

Hmm?

Ugh.

The Legendberry tree!

If Pops didn't lie about this,
maybe he didn't steal my college fund.

Hey! How dare you take
from the Giving Tree!

We caught this tree-humper
trying to steal the sacred berries.

First the sassy girl
and now this ugly runt?

Stuff a chicken into him and him into her,

and we'll have a nice brunch
for tomorrow after church.

It him, Dad!

He the one me eye be he
that him who he be!

Junior! Knock it off!
You can play with his skull tomorrow.

Oh, Ma.

Roll him in our seven sacred spices
and toss him in the dungeon.

Don't worry, Bean! I'll save you!

Look, I'm not some damsel in distress.

Well, technically,
I guess I am, but still.

Ahh!

Wet willy? That's disgusting!
Where'd you grow up, a barn?

I don't want to have to do this.
Let my friend go and we'll leave.

Get ready, Bad Elfo. It's time to jab.

Ow!

No!

Oh, no!

Hmm.

I'll be okay.
I just need to lie down for a while.

Wow, Elfo.

You're kinda scary
when you're in a blood rage.

Let's get out of here.

Not without the g*dd*mn berries.

Huh?

Don't make me do this, Your Majesty.

I just need the berries from your tree.
My people are dying.

Where are you shrimps from?

Dreamland. Well, actually, they used to...

Quick, get the berries!
If the guards see, I'll have to eat you.

Now, shut up. Follow me.

This old sewer drain
leads right to the river.

You know, you're pretty cool for a queen.

Yeah, yeah. Here's something for you.

I'm sorry we ate the body already.
Now, go.

Don't step on the rats, Elfo.

Elfo?

This is it. The end of the best story
I ever told, my life!

If you see Elfo,
would you tell that boy I love him?

And so did his mom.

Well, my organs have stopped functioning.
So long.

So long, you old coot.

We did it! We got the berries!

Too late, dude.
You just missed him.

No, Pops!

Please, Pops.

He's gone, Elfo.

He'll be with the crabs soon.

Could I be alone for a minute?

Pops, you were a good dad.

Even though your stories
were long, boring,

not funny and obviously untrue,
I'm really going to miss you.

I can't believe you're really gone.

I ain't gone, God damn it!

Pops, you're alive!

We're all alive, God damn it!

I heard every word you said.
And you know what, Elfo?

I'm glad I stole your college fund.

What?