Ahhh... the weekend starts here.
And now, a sporting event.
Is it Sunday night already?
Another weekend of us
doing absolutely nothing.
Ha! Look at us-- a couple of
good-for-nothing, lazy bums.
What?!
You do nothing!
I've been...
Two bums.
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
You do nothing
every weekend.
I work my tail off.
What?
Last night you said...
Wait-- you sat here all night
waiting to scold me?
Why didn't you wake me up?
I tried.
Ha, ha! Booze.
Cleveland, I cook, clean,
watch the kids,
bring home the bacon...
Cleveland!
I do everything
around here,
and I even make time
for all my charity work,
which is what defines me.
Wait a minute--
charity work?
We've watched every episode of this show--
I've never seen her do any charity.
Dude, they can't
show everything.
We don't see every time
she goes to the bathroom.
We see every time Cleveland
goes to the bathroom.
Look, he's going right now.
As I was saying,
I have a charity, too.
I give money to feeble-minded
black children.
Their names are
Rallo and Roberta.
I'm talking about a real
charity, you selfish fool.
Like the one I'm involved in--
Crutched By an Angel.
We provide walkers and
wheelchairs for the disabled,
and the extremely lazy.
Me, selfish?
You may give a kid
a wheelchair--
I'd rather teach
that child to walk...
and to dance!
Jamie?
Jamie?!
Come on, this isn't
funny anymore.
It's cold and I'm only wearing
a very thin little T-shirt
and tiny little panties.
Don't go out there,
you hot dummy.
Sick, man! Turn it off!
Turn it off!
Calm down, ladies.
I'll go get my mom's g*n in
case anybody tries to break in.
Ahh, help!
- Yaaahh!
- Ahhhh!
Damn, that felt good.
You shouldn't do that
to people, Rallo.
What? Yeah, I guess
you're right...
Yaahhh!
Oh, man, scaring
people is...
...fun.
I could get used
to...
...this.
Seriously, man, ease up.
You know I have
cardiac myopathy...
Oh, I'm gonna have
fun with this.
Can't you throw down
my nitroglycerin pills?
Rallo, you there...?
Just because Donna's
got her charity
she thinks she can
call me selfish.
But no one leaves more pennies
in the leave-a-penny,
take-a-penny cup than I.
No one.
Do you
take money?
Irrelevant!
I did some charity once.
Boned an ugly chick--
last Cinco de Mayo.
Terrible skin.
Just laid there.
Woke up next morning--
turned out she was a piñata
shaped like SpongeBob.
Drove her to my niece's
sixth birthday party.
Didn't need to buy a present.
Two birds-- one bone.
Screw charity.
Man, you know, I pledged
$50 to stop diabetes,
and then I find out that
there's still diabetes.
And then I'm like, "What?!"
Man, talk about a rip-off.
Hell, pledge me a dollar
for every beer I drink.
Cleveland, I'm a genius!
The four of us will hold
an event right here
where people pledge money
for every beer we drink.
And we'll give all the proceeds
to Donna's charity.
It's a... a beer walk.
Beer walk, beer walk,
beer walk...
Beer walk, beer walk,
beer walk, beer walk,
beer walk, beer walk,
beer walk, beer walk,
beer... walk.
Chucky!
I just blapped my pants.
Vroom, vroom!
Beep, beep.
Vroom!
Thanks for coming to get
drunk for charity, guys.
Yeah, whatever.
Fox is paying us.
Wow, Cleveland, I figured it was
going to be all black guys,
but this is great.
Missed ya.
I came as soon as I heard.
Then I drove straight down.
Giggity-giggity!
Comedy-comedy.
But seriously, Joe--
thank you for coming here to
help with our charity function
for the disabled.
You do know I hear perfectly
well, don't you, Cleveland?
I know you're trying.
Brave... brave... Joe.
What do you think
of Cleveland's old friends?
Gay.
Damn right gay.
Yeah, you guys
are so gay.
Gay, gay, gay, gay,
so gay!
Really progressive thinking
friends you got there, Cleveland.
Yeah, I guess they like
to throw around
negatively
inflected labels.
You guys
are the gays.
No, Joe.
Joe, please.
Hi, Peter.
Hi, Quagmire.
And you must be Joe.
Hi, I'm Donna,
Cleveland's wife.
Hello.
Does your penis work?
- Well, sort of.
- Aw!
Well, what's that
supposed to mean?
The Born on the Fourth
of July guy's doesn't.
Ron Kovic.
Hey, Cleveland, can I do your wife?
Look, Cleveland, as long as this
beer walk stunt helps people,
I'll put up with is.
But I want you
and everyone else
to see what our organization
is really about.
This is Ethan.
Little Ethan is nine years old,
and he's never...
Show us your jugs!
Okay, buzz k*ll terminated.
Let's get this tax-deductible
party started.
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug...
May I, may I have
a glass of water?
Hey, Gus, how are those
potato skins coming...?
Bear down.
End of Beer Walk.
These chowderheads
consumed 334 beers.
That means they raised
an approximate total of--
carry the one--
$334.
Yes!
I'm better than you, Donna.
Hey,
Cleveland, we're, we're
gonna just take off.
What? Already?
Yeah, we're ju... we're
gonna b*at the traffic.
Ah, ah... Come on.
Come on, come on, Mr. Keys.
Here, key, key, key, key,
key, key, key, key, key.
Bye, dicks!
Okay, bye.
I am the champions,
my friend.
That's enough, Cleveland.
Let's go home.
Will you wash me?
Oh, hold up,
there's a unicycle.
Hey, Uncle Sam, can I
borrow your unicycle?
It's not mine.
Cleveland, no.
You're not the boss
of me, are you?
Hey, y'all want to see me ride
a unicycle drunk off my ass?
Cleveland, Cleveland...
Cleveland, no!
I will not allow you
to break your neck!
Yes, you will-- for charity.
Pull the blocks away.
Cleveland, Cleveland,
Cleveland...
God, why?!
Donna? Donna?!
Are you all right?!
Oh, Donna!
Look.
Oh, Donna! Oh!
Oh, Donna, I can't
help feeling
that somehow, in some
way, this is my fault.
Good thing Dr. Fist says tomorrow
you'll be right as rain.
No, fatface!
He said six to eight weeks
if she's lucky.
But you're still
going to be able
to keep up your housework,
right?
I mean, you don't cook
with your legs.
All right, I get it.
I'll do the house cleaning.
And take care of the kids.
And you'll have to take over my
responsibilities with my charity.
Roberta, your breasts.
Sorry.
Don't worry, Donna, dear--
I'll take care of everything.
By your side I am,
and by your side I'll stay.
Y hombre mysterioso,
El Hamburguesa!
Is this true, El Hamburguesa?
Your name is Cleveland Brown?!
You have another wife
and children?!
Cleveland,
what are you doing?
He's humping the air...
like our dog used to do--
before he crushed it to death.
Like he tried to do to you.
What is taking
you so long
to make a stupid
frozen pizza?
Is your name Domino?
Then shut up.
Cleveland,
can I have some water?
Just a minute, Donna!
Found the problem,
Mr. Brown.
See, these models
tend to overflow
when a dad who's taken on
household responsibilities
is at his most comically
overwhelmed, and...
Whoa, whoa.
There she blows!
Oh, no!
The laundry, the dinner,
Roberta--
all unsalvageable disasters!
Don't worry, Roberta.
I'll make us
a frosting sandwich.
Aw, man. Dangerous.
Aw, my baby,
working so hard for me.
You mind getting me
today's paper?
I need to pick my horses.
Yep. Okay.
Roger. Copy.
Ten-four.
Thanks, Cleveland.
And can you stop
by the video store?
I think
there was a mix-up.
These DVDs say True Blood,
but they're just some
gay guy's nightmare.
Guys, can't stay.
Need to pick up groceries
tonight.
No time tomorrow.
Got to fix the dishwasher...
shampoo the carpets,
renew the Triple-A membership,
Cleveland?
caulk the tub, water the grass...
Cleveland!
What?
Uh, quick question?
Where's your purse,
lady man?
Where is my purse?!
Oh, there it is. Ah!
Go, go, go, go, go.
Donna's taking
advantage of him.
Just like I took advantage of
that sale at Banana Republic.
I say we go
confront her right now
before Cleveland gets home.
Yeah, we can bring her
some of Arianna's
sticky buns as an excuse.
Arianna's got sticky buns, does she?
Yeah.
You help glaze those buns
yourself, Tim?
As a matter of fact,
yeah. So what?
Do you like to eat her buns
after you glaze 'em?
That's a my business.
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Cleveland, is that you?
Did something
happen to Cleveland?
Yeah, you turned him
into a bitch.
What are you talking about?
I'll tell you what
I'm talking about!
I'm talking about
you're faking all this!
She is?
Trust me.
If there's one thing
I have experience with,
it's women faking it.
And I'm gonna prove it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Holt, stop, you drunk jackass!
I have two broken legs!
Well, then I can't
re-break them
by pushing you
down the stairs!
Yes, I'm faking it!
I finally get Cleveland
to pick up
some of the slack
around here,
and you think you douche-wangs
are gonna ruin it?!
If anyone says a word
about this to my husband,
I will cut your
pretty little face!
Why are you unzipping
your pants?
Because you're choking me.
We now return
to the E! Network's
100 Greatest Celebrity
Nip-Slips,
Cheek-Peeks and Shaft-Gaffes!
Cleveland, would you mind
making me up
another little plate
of pickles and carrots
and black olives
and stuff?
Hmm? Yeah,
plate of pickles,
fix the gutters,
charity dinner.
Is that Billy Crystal
shaft-gaffin'?
Tim! I thought
I told you
and your buddies
to stay the hell away
from my house.
Ah, yeah, yeah,
you did, you did.
And, you know, then this morning,
I remembered something.
I'm a bear. I can k*ll you.
Maul you, rip your face off
an-and eat you.
And I won't even go to jail,
you know,
'cause, 'cause, uh,
'cause-'cause I'm a bear.
I think, uh, you know,
in the heat of the moment,
I kind of forgot that.
But, uh, yeah,
I'm a bear.
I can k*ll you.
So, uh, tell Cleveland
the truth.
'Cause if you don't...
Okay. Okay, byesies!
Oh, come on!
Junior, why are your socks
in the refrigerator?!
My feet get hot.
Cleveland, can we talk?
You can walk!
All hail the alien
overlord Xenu!
No, baby, listen to me.
I tricked you.
I'm sorry.
I didn't
really break my legs.
Ruin her credit
rating, Xenu!
I realized I do every damn
thing around this house
while you sit on your butt
watching sports.
So I asked Dr. Fist
to make me some fake casts.
And he did.
I think because he wants
to sleep with me.
He's always vaguely creepy
during my exams,
but not in a direct way
that I can really call him on.
Oh, Dr. Fist.
What a hound.
Kids, wake up!
Right now, so I can fix you
breakfast...
All right, beautiful boy,
here's your bacon and
fresh-baked "kress-ants."
Merci, Papa!
And your coffee,
black as Atlanta.
Thank you.
You're not still mad at me?
Mad at you?
I should thank you.
Being a homemaker is the
toughest job I've ever loved.
With the best benefits
and the shortest commute.
Cleveland, can I ask you
for some... advice?
What's the problem?
Talk to me about it!
Donna, she needs
honest advice.
And cranberry juice.
Oh, well, let me get it
for you, Roberta!
Yaahh!
Ah, my face!
Donna!
Oh, my God!
My baby!
You do not hit a child.
It was instinctive!
I didn't mean to...
Enough!
For shame, Donna.
For shame.
And you-- no scare! No!
Yes, sir, Cleveland.
All I needed was
some parenting.
Shame.
So, Cleveland's
the homemaker now.
And the truth is, he's better
at it than I ever was.
To be honest,
I don't even know
what my role is.
Well, Donna, it's a nice change
of pace to have a drink
with a sad, whining woman,
but, uh, you know,
I-I'm sick of seeing you
all down in your mouth.
I mean, I mean,
who are you? Answer me!
Well, I'm...
I'm Donna.
No! You are a lioness.
And no one is going to
displace you or you will roar!
Now who are you?!
I am a lioness!
Yeah!
- It's my house!
- Yeah!
And you know what?
I'm going to the Crutched
By an Angel dinner
to let Cleveland know that
that's my charity!
I run the show!
Yeah!
You go, Donna!
Charity is what
defines you!
Yeah! Yeah!
Ooh! All right!
My roommate and I are
having a showering contest.
Will you guys
be the judges?
Get out of here!
Yeah, we're watching
The Cleveland Show!
♪ ♪
Hello, everyone.
Please either take your seat
or remain seated forever
as applicable.
I'd like to introduce
the newest member
of the CBAA family,
Cleveland Brown!
Wow.
This is...
Wow.
To all of you plegics,
both para and quadra,
I may be able to run a mile
and bathe myself
and compete on
Dancing With The Stars--
should my prayers be answered.
Please, Xenu.
However...
Hold up!
Donna, what are you
doing here?
You've never been
interested in charity.
That is not...
Cleveland, I have something
to share with you
and everyone here,
especially the women.
I had it all:
I was a mother, a wife
and a career woman.
Yes, it was a lot of work,
but it's woman's work.
This woman.
And I am taking back my home.
No! Nothing has ever
made me feel so worthy,
so indispensable!
Please, Cleveland, let me do
what I was born to do.
Everything.
All right.
Because I love you.
I love you, too,
Cleveland!
What's going on?!
I can't see!
Thanks for putting me
in the back!
She bought it!
Oh, ho, ho! Oh!
I-I wish you could've
been here when I gave
that stupid lioness speech
that you wrote!
Hey, I'm the one
who was willing
to k*ll her to see
if she was faking it.
And I played
the redneck hayseed!
Here's to dum-dum,
the love of my life.
I'll teach him to wash my dishes
in my house.
Wait.
What the am I doing?!