01x01 - August 5, 1998

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's performers: The man with the dirty last name - Greg Proops! He's what's for dinner - Wayne Brady! The handsomest man in Canada - Colin Mochrie! And his son - Ryan Stiles! And I'm your host, Drew Carey! Welcome to "Whose Line"! Come on, let's have some fun! Thank you! And welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

Uh, how the show works is, uh, during the show we're gonna ask our performers to come up and they're gonna totally make up in front of you, ah, scenes based on suggestions that we give them and the audience gives them.

They've never seen, uh, any of the material before, they don't know what's gonna happen to them.

It'll be really fun.

And then I award the points, based on my whimsy, and, uh, the points don't matter, 'cause at the end of the show I just pick the guy I like the best, and he wins, and then we get to do a scene together at the end of the show.

So let's get things started! Are you ready to see the first game? The first game we're gonna do, is called "Let's Make A Date".

This is for all four of you.

Ryan, Colin and Wayne, you're going to be contestants on a dating-type show hoping to be picked by Greg, who is lonely and desperate.

And, ah, ha-ha, each of them has been given a strange characteristic or ability.

I'd like to remind you they haven't seen these before; this is the first time they're having a look at them.

Oh, they're very happy.

Greg's gonna question them about the, uh, chances of getting a date, and then, uh, try to guess who they are at the end of the, uh, game.

All right? Any time you're ready.

Contestant Number One.

Hi! Hello, girl! Ha, ha, ha! ("Old blues player") You're a you're a jolly sort.

That's cause I don't let things get to me.

Sometimes they might get to me, but they don't get to me.

Wow.

Well, Number One, I love holidays.

If I was a turkey, what would you stuff me with? Aw, girl, that's pretty simple.

I'd stuff you with croutons.

Da-da-na-na.

I'd stuff you with salt.

Da-da-na-na.

I'd stuff you Number Two! Hi! Hi! ("An excitable dog") You y nice lil' hi.

Are you OK? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! All rightok Number Three, hi! Hello, it's nice to be here.

("Auctioneer") Hi.

Hello, hello.

Hi, how are you? Fine, thank you very much.

Good.

Listen, yo quiero lovin'.

Hey, where would you take me for a romantic evening? Ah, I suppose we'd go to a movie, maybe dinner after that, dinner, uh, mashed potatoes, uh, gravy, uh, I, uh, I guarantee you'll have a great night, I'd have you home by 10, I hear 11, I hear 12! Uh, I don't know Thank you! Uh, Number One.

Yeah girl, ha ha ha I'm a late sleeper.

What's it like for you when you first get up in the morning? I think to myself, I feelin' low, and I need some lovin' to get me up.

And I stretch, and I stretch, and I think about you, 'cause there ain't no secret to what you can do! Ha, ha! I love ya! Oh yeah! I love ya! I swear! I love ya! Oh yeah! I'm growing fond of you as well.

Number Two.

Huh, yeah, yeah, what? I like to keep in shape, and I like to run around in the park.

Me! Yeah, yeah! what do you do to.

.

to keep in shape? Same thing! Throw me the ball! Throw the, throw the ball! Throw the ball! Number Three.

Hellooo, hello.

Hi.

I like to go to those discount restaurants, 'cause it's cheaper.

How much would you spend on a dinner? Oh, I couldn't say, I'd probably spend 5 dollars, 10 dollars, maybe 20 dollars, I just wanna impress ya, I wanna impress ya, ah, as much as I can, I wanna sleep with you once I wanna sleep with you twice, and sold! Uh, Pookie, would you like to guess? All right Drew.

Uh, I think Number One's a blues singer? Old blues singer, right.

Number Two is a spotted jackal from the Serengeti Plain.

He's a, he's a dog! Yeah, an excitable dog, yes.

A horny dog.

And Number Three is extremely hyper.

I think he's a, uh, uh, an auctioneer of some kind.

Yes.

That was great.

Ah, 50 points to Colin for sticking his tongue out so much.

Uh, now we come to a game called "Sound Effects".

Uh, this is for Colin and Ryan.

Colin, you're gonna improvise a scene, and you'll have to respond to sound effects made by Ryan.

Here's your microphone, Ryan.

Thank you.

And, uh, your scene is, you're an ambulance driver on your first emergency call.

An ambulance driver on his first emergency call.

Take it away.

All that energy, all that thought.

That was brilliant.

Unfortunately, that was a non-scoring round.

Awfully sorry.

Uh, now we go on to a game called "Hats".

This is for all four of you.

Colin and Ryan, come get the first box of hats here right in front, and, uh, Greg and Wayne, you're gonna use the other box of hats.

And, uh, this is a rapid-fire game, and uh, each of you has to, as fast as possible, come up with as many examples of the world's worst dating service video.

The world's worst dating service video.

Colin and Ryan, you're gonna start.

I may TASTE like butter I like to take things as they come, and I'm all for letting our love grow.

Just use your imagination.

I hope you don't mind sand in everything.

I'd like to ask you out, all I need is a little courage.

I'm just one flame looking for another! I'll be the best date you ever had! And that's no "croc"! Uh, hi.

I've been trapped on a desert island for the past seven years, with a movie star and a professor, and I need it.

I'd like to take you out for a few drinks, but I'm a minor.

I am predicting a lot of booty tonight! Come on, I'm horny! Dat's great! They call me Black Angus! I see great things in the future for us.

I know! I've got crystal balls! Mobuto like virgins! Thank you very much! We'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" right after this! Don't go away! Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where everything is made up and the points don't matter.

Uh, I don't know how many points to award because during the commercial I was taking off my pants.

That's right.

OK, now we go on to a game called "Greatest Hits".

This is for Colin, Ryan, and Wayne, with the help of Laura Hall on the keyboards.

Laura Hall.

We just found her outside before the show.

Can you believe it? Uh, Colin and Ryan are, uh, TV voice-over people, and you're gonna be talking about the latest compilation album, and Wayne, you're gonna sing snippets of the songs.

What we need from the audience is the, uh, uh, a kind of profession you wouldn't normally sing songs about Uh Okay, I heard a lot of I heard a lot of "accounting".

Don't know how you're gonna do it, but good luck.

Uh, the name of your album is "Songs of Accounting".

Hi! Sorry to interrupt.

We'll be back to the 24-hour Drew Carey Network in just a moment.

But first we've got a special offer for you.

You know, many people thing accountants are boring.

Isn't it? They are! But out of great boredom comes great songs, and we've come up with a twenty-five-thousand-hour CD filled with songs of accounting! That's right, we have, Colin.

Many different songs.

Who for - could forget that disco favorite, "D-I-V-O-R-C-E I-R-S"? Get out! Get out! Listen to me, here's a fact you will believe! You cheated on me, now I want your ass to leave! That's right, none of this is funny! Just pack your bags, and give me all your money! I said, D-I-V-O-R-C-E I-R-Ssss, yeah, I said, D-I-V-O-R-C-E I-R-Ssss! For me, that brings back memories of big pants and shoes with fish in the heels.

Enough about yesterday! Every song a hit, every hit a smack! But you know what? - I even have a song on this album! Remember that? - You do not! But we don't have time to listen to it! What we do have time to listen to is that great song from the swing era, "Your Love has Bankrupted Me.

" Because I would bet seven, Hoping that your love would take me all the way to Heaven.

But I guess when you gamble you've got no luck.

Your love has left me bankrupt.

Oh, chap-ter eleven's of the hot what I got it's hot, Chap-ter eleven's of the hot what I got.

Oh, you got you, I got me, ain't got nobody, see, 'Cause chapter eleven's what I am.

Because your love has left me bankrupt! Why dontcha get out of here? Oh yeah! Hey, Colin! What Ryan? How much would you pay for a 2-CD set like this? Oh, I don't know 39 dollars? Unfortunately, it's $69.

95! But, I was talking 39 dollars in a foreign currency which doesn't quite Add up to more than that! All because the hits keep on coming! Who could ever forget that early Rock and Roll favorite, "Deduct This"? Whoo! Here's something I know you see! You better better save all your receipts! Because you better save 'em, Because you'll do the best! Whoo! Because if you don't, you save your receipts, An act they can't deduct, you better believe me! Because, IRS, deduct this! Whooo! Deduct! You're screwed! Don't save 'em, now you're sued! Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, oh yeah! Whoo! Baby, you better deduct this! Man! Normally I'd give Wayne all the points, but something about the way Greg was tappin' his toes.

That's right, baby, see me in my trailer after the show.

Now we're gonna play a game called "Party Quirks".

This is for Greg, you're gonna be hosting a party, and Wayne, Colin, and Ryan, you're gonna be the guests.

Each of you has a strange quirk or identity that's written in these envelopes.

This is the first time they've ever seen them, and, uh, what Greg has to do is guess what the quirks are.

Ah, so Greg, why don't you come over and start the party? Wayne, Colin and Ryan, you line up over there, and I'll buzz you in with the doorbell here? And whenever you're ready, Greg, start the party.

Yeah.

It's a Spice Girls party.

Since they're missing one, I'm the new one, Specky Spice.

There's the bell! Hello, Wayne! ("In a slow motion fight scene") Can I get you a corn chip or somethin'? Hey, you just relax over there.

Hi, Colin.

Hi.

How are ya? Have you met Wayne? He's fighting a series of bad guys in slow motion.

He thinks he's in a movie.

Very good.

Colin, can I get you a drink? Hello.

Hey, Greg, that's OK.

- Hello, Ryan.

- Hey, Greg, how huh I guess a game of Twister is out of the question at this point.

Colin, have you uh Ryan, have you met Colin? He's a he's a trapeze artist he's a high-wire act in the circus he, uh, he thinks he's in the circus he's a very unsuccessful circus That's right.

Is what he is.

Accident prone circus performer.

And who wants their bottle? Who wants their bottle? Who was just born and is a bizarre dog-like creature? A foal.

All the points I have left go to Ryan for sticking your face there.

I couldn't have done that.

Ryan "anything for a laugh" Stiles.

Remember That's how I got the job on that other show, remember? That's right sshhh! All right, hey! Stay tuned, when we come back we'll find out who the winner is, they'll play a little improv game with me, and watch these commercials.

Stay tuned for more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winner, Wayne Brady! Wayne Brady! Our big winner tonight.

Wayne and I are gonna improvise a scene called, uh, Foreign Film Dub.

What's gonna happen is, you guys are gonna suggest a foreign language, we're gonna fake it, and, uh, Ryan and Greg are gonna interpret for us, and, uh, Colin's just gonna sit there? Look busy? And, uh, let's have the name of a language you'd like to What'd you say? Farsi? Farsi.

'Scuse me? Farsi.

Okay.

They speak it in, er, in Iran.

Oh.

We need the name of a film title "Banished on the Breezes".

"Banished on the Breezes" in Farsi.

And, uh, you're gonna interpret for me, and, uh, you're gonna interpret for Wayne.

OK, ready? "Banished on the Breezes".

Ach bai, mahama hai, mahama Mahama hama hai! Huh.

Everything is gone.

The breeze has caught and blown things away.

Ai-lalalalalalalah! I think my camel is dead.

Oob-booley li l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l chik-chik-chiwa.

Our village! It is gone! And all you can do is just stand there and go, "l-l-l-l-l-l-l"? Ach-vevach-avah.

Ohh, we're going to miss "Baywatch"! Do-do-do-do kabach-aido-hayyyyyayyyy! I have constructed a television set using these tin cans and a hand drill that managed to stay.

Auwa, aoowa, kabuki! Many years ago, I worked in a club.

I cannot say what type.

Yet, I am ashamed.

Oop.

Towtldllesit.

I remember your dancing.

You went by the name of "Chhhhhh".

Here is a scneif-nyick.

It is the traditional money that I give to the dancer who pleases me so well.

Now dance! Clap, clap.

Hey, thank you very much! We're out of time.

Thank you for watching "Whose Line is it Anyway?" We'll see you again soon! Goodnight!