01x12 - January 20, 1999

[bunniefuu]

CAREY: Good evening, and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway.

Tonight on the show, my other car is Brad Sherwood.

It's 1 1 :00, do you know where Wayne Brady is?.

If you see him rocking, don't come a-knocking, Colin Mochrie.

And honk if you're horny, Ryan Stiles.

And I'm your host, Drew Carey.

Come on down, Iet's have some fun.

CAREY: Hello.

Hello, hello.

Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway.

The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

Thank you.

If you never-- I never get tired of hearing it either.

If you haven't seen this show, these guys are gonna come up and make stuff up off the top of their heads based on suggestions from these cards they've never seen and suggestions from the audience.

At the end of every round I give points.

Who knows why?.

Points don't matter.

At the end I just pick out whoever I Iike the best and they get to do something with me.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Yeah.

When I say do a Iittle something with me, that's just what I mean.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

We'II start with a game called Let's Make a Date.

This is for all.

Ryan, Colin and Brad will be contestants on a dating show all hoping to be picked by Wayne.

We've given you each a strange identity.

It's written on these cards.

They've never seen these cards before.

And Wayne's gonna question them and try to guess who they are by the end of the round.

So, Wayne, whenever you're ready off you go.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

-Bachelor number one.

-Hello.

BRADY: I Iove a man with an effervescent personality.

I Iike a man who Iikes to party and get his groove on.

What's your favorite dance and why?.

My favorite dance is the samba and I can take you to do the samba in beautiful Puerto Vallarta.

You and I will stay for two nights and two days in Puerto Vallarta courtesy of the Shiftwood Inn, the best place to stay in Puerto Vallarta.

The retail value of this package: $2562.

Back to you, gorgeous.

Oh, you make me wanna pick door number two.

One for me and one for you.

-Bachelor number two.

-Mmm.

BRADY: Lately, I find myself quite Ionely.

I normally take walks in the park.

Where do you Iike to go when you need some solitude?.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[GULPING]

Ah! So glad to know you, number two.

So glad to know you.

Number three.

I Iove classical music.

I Iove classical music because it helps me be me.

What do you enjoy doing that Iets you be you?.

Could you repeat the question?.

Question?.

Could you back up?.

Back up?.

Back up?.

Back up?.

Back up?.

Ooh! BRADY: I'II come back to you, number three.

Bachelor number one, bachelor number one.

If I had a super power, it would be to fly so I could be caressed by the clouds.

You know what I'm saying?.

But if you had a super power what would it be?.

It would be to wrap you in a beautiful fur coat from Monkey and Monkey Fur Coats.

The finest in furriers since 1 802, Beverly Hills, California.

Retail value of this beautiful fluffy-cloud fur coat: $1 6,472.

Back to you, gorgeous.

Whoo.

You make me wanna pick a vowel and it's O.

-Bachelor number two.

-Yeah.

What kind of restaurant would you take me to?.

[STILES CLUCKS]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Okay.

Whoo.

Can you guess who they are?.

That's a Iot to choose from, I'm ready to exhale right now.

Bachelor number one is a game-show host.

Yes.

Bachelor number two is a circus geek who eats everything.

CAREY: Well, it says here the-- Well, he's a circus geek, but on the show he's playing the world's biggest glutton.

CIose enough.

And bachelor number three.

[STILES GROANS]

-He's a bird CAREY: Yes.

He's a talking chicken who's supposed to be having trouble Iaying an egg.

So, yeah.

CIose enough.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Thousand points for Ryan because I Iove the way you cluck.

Nobody Iays an egg Iike you do, buddy.

Let's go to the game Duet.

This is for Brad and Wayne.

With the help of Laura Hall on the piano.

Laura Hall.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Let's come up to the audience here and find a Iikely candidate.

Hi, how are you?.

What's your name?.

-What's your name?.

-Dana.

Dana, come on.

What do you do for a Iiving, Dana?.

I'm a dental hygienist.

Come here, Dana.

Let's just take a walk, come on.

This is Dana, she's a dental hygienist.

Look at that smile.

Now, you're gonna sing a song to her in the style of a '60s R & B song.

So whenever you're ready, take it away.

[SYNTHESIZER PLAYING]

[SINGING]

Oh, Dana You're the boss I listen to you every day because I floss Listen, girl Lovin ' I got to get Why don 't you take me to your love sink And let me spit -Dana -Dana -Dana -Dana -Dana -Dana, give me some Novocain-a Dana, I think that you got lots of class I'd like to take you out with a t*nk Of laughing gas, oh, Dana -Dana -Dana -Dana -Dana I never get my fill, I said -Dana, Dana -Dana, oh, Dana Why don 't you open your mouth Here comes my big drill -Oh, Dana -Dana, Dana -Dana -Dana, Dana Dana, Dana, Dana Dana CAREY: Thank you, Dana.

BRADY: Thank you, Dana.

CAREY: Let's all have a hand for Dana, everybody.

Dana.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Man.

Two thousand points to Dana.

Saw the big drill, didn't even flinch.

Let's go on to a game called Newsflash.

This is for Ryan, Brad and Colin.

Ryan and Brad are gonna be two news anchors.

Colin is gonna be in the field as a reporter covering a breaking news story.

Problem is, he's in front of this green screen.

He can't see what's behind him even if he Iooks at it.

It's gonna be green to him.

However, through the magic of television, we'II see what's behind him.

You'II see at home.

And he has to guess what it is.

Ryan and Brad, Iet's go over to you guys and see how it goes.

I just colored it around the ears a bit.

-A Iittle grayish.

-Makes you Iook more dignified.

We interrupt this program for a news bulletin.

Colin, can you hear us?.

-Colin?.

-Yes.

Can you believe this?.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

SHERWOOD: Colin.

Colin, for our viewers at home who might not be familiar with this goings-on could you please be very descriptive about what you see out there.

Well, apparently it all started over some nude pictures of Dr.

Ruth on the Internet.

And from there, this happened.

And that and some of this too.

Colin, do you have any favorites there?.

Well, I'm kind of partial to this one.

But I haven't actually been on the scene Iong enough -to build up any kind of rapport.

SHERWOOD: Now I don't know much about your expertise but what do you actually call those things?.

Well, I call that one Frank and Terry and Jill.

Now, pretend I'm a complete idiot, which isn't very hard if you were gonna call that by its official name its technical name, what would you call that?.

Well, of course the only technical name I know is the Latin one which is puccalacus malacus.

Looks Iike more fun than a barrel, hey, Col?.

It's amazing, and you know what?.

They also do a show.

Every Thursday night.

It's amazing to watch and the drinks are free.

Is that this--?.

Michael Nesmith is making an appearance on that show.

That's right and the rest of the monkeys will be right behind.

[BUZZER SOUNDING]

AII right, that was great.

We're gonna go see a commercial now.

We'II have more Whose Line Is It Anyway.

Don't go anywhere.

Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway.

Where everything's made up and points don't matter.

During the commercial I got spanked.

I'm sorry you missed it.

Let's go to a game called Film, Theater and Television Styles.

Ryan and Wayne.

They're gonna do a scene for you.

They're gonna start normally.

I'm gonna make them adapt styles of theater, television or movies.

What I need from the audience is suggestions for different styles, television styles, movie styles or theater?.

Sci-fi.

Western is good.

Sumo wrestling.

That would count as a kind of a theater.

-And what?.

What?.

p*rn.

Okay.

WOMAN: p*rn! [MOUTHING]

""p*rn,"" said the woman we'd all Iike to get to know.

Anybody else?.

We probably need a couple more.

Karate, Shakespeare.

Okay, we got plenty to start here.

This will be fine.

You're gonna start normally, I'II bring in the styles.

And the scene is: Wayne is the Birdman of AIcatraz.

-Birdman.

-Birdman of AIcatraz.

Ryan is the prison warden who's come to his cell to tell him to get rid of his birds.

So go, start out normal and I'II bring in the styles in a second.

[COOING AND CAWING]

Polly want a cr*cker.

Daddy Ioves you.

[IMITATES g*n COCKING]

[IMITATES g*nshots]

Run.

Run.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

CAREY: Western.

You done sh*t my bird.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That bird is the one who sh*t my pa.

Your pa was the one who ate my bird.

Look, they were no-good, Iow-Iiver-Iying birds.

I'm Ietting you out.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

CAREY: Shakespeare.

Oh, the sunlight 'tis that fall upon me making me darker than I am now.

If you were a man who is away from bars you would be free.

For I shall never be free.

For to fly upon the winds a bird doth fly.

But the bird cannot fly for the buckshot in his behind.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

CAREY: Sumo wrestling.

[MAKING JIGGLING NOISES]

[SPEAKS IN MOCK FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

CAREY: p*rn.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

Have a seat.

Ding-dong! Oh, pizza.

[BOTH IMITATING p*rn MUSIC]

-I'm gonna slip into something comfortable.

-AII right.

I dumped oil all over myself.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Okay, thank you very much.

I'd Iike to give a million points to our audience.

Such a nice audience.

Million points for the audience.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[MOUTHS]

What? Ryan, it's okay.

The points don't matter.

[MOUTHS]

Let's go on to a game that I Iove to play, it's called Telethon.

We don't see this often, Telethon.

Colin and Ryan are gonna be the hosts of a telethon.

Brad and Wayne will come on as the chorus of celebrities doing the telethon ""help us"" song.

With the help of Laura Hall on the piano.

Laura Hall.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

What we need from the audience is a suggestion of a group of people -you would not try to raise money for.

MAN 1 : Spice Girls.

MAN 2: NBA players.

-NBA players.

Gosh, my heart bleeds for them.

Okay.

Raising money for professional basketball players.

Whenever you're ready, start the telethon.

Hello.

Welcome back to hour six of the professional-basketball-players telethon.

That's right, we've been up for six straight hours.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Let's just go check the tote board.

Three hundred and eighty-six million dollars, Iadies and gentlemen?.

-How can they Iive on that?.

-Come on.

I see two phones that are not busy right now.

Let's get those phones ringing.

Let's Iet a man eat a decent meal.

In a five-star restaurant preferably a casino with Iots of showgirls.

Because to entertain you they need entertainment.

People.

-Come on.

-Colin, a Iittle fact here.

I'm not sure.

Do you know what it costs to make one size-18 shoe?.

-No.

No, Ryan.

-Three hundred and fifty dollars.

That's for one shoe, Iadies and gentlemen.

One shoe.

-One shoe.

-Most of these players wear two.

Help them out.

Give them a chance.

Give them a chance at Iife.

Rodman needs more tattoos.

You were a professional basketball player.

I was, for about a week.

I could not make a Iiving on what they paid.

I had to get out.

But a Iot of men are stuck in that job.

-That's right.

-They have families to feed.

Some of these guys have three or four wives that they have to keep.

MOCHRIE: That's right.

-We're not the only ones worried.

-We're not.

We have assembled a great group of talented individuals-- I don't know how we got them all.

It's amazing.

And they're here to sing a song that speaks out to each and every one of you.

-Get the phones ringing.

-Keep the phones ringing.

Let's bring out this talent right now.

PIease, a big hand.

[PIANO PLAYING AND AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[IMITATING BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN]

Well, I don't think that my life Will ever be the same Because I can no longer watch An NBA game [IMITATING AARON NEVILLE]

My life sunk Can 't watch them slam dunk And it just won 't ever be the same [IMITATING WILLIE NELSON]

I wish those boys Could take it to the hoop But every time they get there There's a legal loop [IMITATING MICHAEL JACKSON]

All that gear I'd be sporting No longer can I watch Michael Jordan [YELLS]

[IMITATING BOB DYLAN]

So come on And give these hoops a chance -Give these hoops a chance -Come on, reach into your pockets -Put your hands and give them a chance -Right in your pants [IMITATING STEVIE WONDER]

You've got to put your hands together I want to thank you, Lord And for all of these 60 NBA teams That play basketball [IMITATING FRED SCHNEIDER]

And if you wanna see The love Shaq, baby, play here in L.

A.

You better hurry on down And give your money away Give them a chance.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Give them a chance.

Hey, Iisten.

We're gonna go see a commercial.

We'II find out who the winner is and they get to do something with me.

So don't go away, more Whose Line right after this.

Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway.

Tonight's winner, Wayne Brady.

-Wayne Brady is the winner tonight.

-Thank you.

Fabulous come-from-behind victory.

And because he's the winner he gets to sit and the rest of us are gonna be punished by doing a hoedown.

Laura Hall on the piano.

Laura Hall, everybody.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

What we need from the audience, we need a suggestion of a major Iife event.

WOMAN: Menopause.

Menopause.

How about a major Iife event that men can relate to?.

Going bald.

Sounds great.

Going bald.

So, Laura Hall, whenever you're ready Iet's hear the ""Going Bald Hoedown.

"" [SINGING]

I am losing my hair And it really is a pain I find out every morning When I see the shower drain [AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

But as you can see It isn 't quite for me But at least I'm not quite as bald As Colin Mochrie Oh, man, took my rhyme.

I was gonna do that.

I have all my hair And I really am quite happy I like putting stuff in my hair It makes me look real snappy I love to comb my hair I never need a breather I'm real happy I'm not Colin Mochrie either People always kid me Because I'm losing all my hair I can 't really help it That I'm follicly impaired It really is quite horrible But my life is not through I still get way more sex Than either Brad or Drew Losing all your hair Isn 't really that bad of a deal A lot of women love Just the way it feels Just think of it as Just a little more face And you can rent it out As advertising space ALL: As advertising space Good night.

Thanks for watching Whose Line Is It Anyway.

See you next time.

Goodbye.