01x14 - February 3, 1999

[bunniefuu]

CAREY: Good evening and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

On tonight`s program, your mother should know, Brad Sherwood.

Tell me why, lan Gomez.

Gotta get you into my life, Colin Mochrie.

And why don`t we do it on the road, Ryan Stiles.

Hey, l`m your host, Drew Carey.

Come on down, let`s have some fun, huh? [CHEERlNG]

Thank you.

Thank you and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

The show where everything`s made-up and points don`t matter.

-Ha! -Shut up.

Um.

If you`ve never seen the show before, these four are gonna come here.

They`re gonna make up everything right on the spot based on suggestions from the audience and these cards they`ve never seen before.

And at the end of each round, I give points which don`t matter.

At the end of the show, I just pick who I like the best and they get to do something with me.

And the best part about it is, it`s against my will.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

[CAREY LAUGHlNG]

Now, our first game is called Let`s Make a Date.

This is for all, Let`s Make a Date.

And Ryan, Colin and Brad will be contestants on a dating-type show hoping to be picked by lan.

We`re gonna give each of them a strange identity.

It`s all written on cards.

They haVen`t seen these before.

Ian`ll question them.

See who he wants to go out with or guess who-- Well, actually, try to guess who they are.

So.

[LAUGHlNG]

It ought to be good.

Uh, lan, wheneVer you`re ready, go ahead.

[lN FEMlNlNE VOlCE]

Bachelor number one.

I`m allergic to nuts.

If somebody accidentally slid me a cashew and I had an anaphylactic fit, what would you do? [lN LATlN ACCENT]

If you had an anaphylactic fit, I`d make sure l`d take you to the hospital.

Down around the corner.

Here it goes! We almost got the last one! Goal! [AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

You`re Very enthusiastic.

I like that in a man.

-Bachelor number two.

MOCHRlE: Yes.

Okay, say, I was to lose all my hair.

[AUDlENCE AND CAREY LAUGHlNG]

Would you prefer me in a wig or in a hat and why? Was that a hair cr*ck because it could make me mad.

And you wouldn`t like me when l`m mad.

Bec-- [lMlTATlNG RlPPlNG]

[ROARlNG]

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

You`re kind of scary, I like that.

Bachelor number three.

I like tall men.

Are you tall? And if you could grow taller, how tall would you grow to? Why is it you`re always asking me questions? EVery time I come home, it`s questions.

Don`t you trust me? When l`m 1 6, I am so out of here.

-Bachelor number one.

SHERWOOD: Yes.

I`m a romantic deep down in heart-- In my heart.

And I love the foreign classic languages.

What`s your favorite language? [lN lTALlAN ACCENT]

I love ltalian and I would take you to ltaly.

And we would go somewhere.

And someday I will buy you a bracelet of solid gold.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

[CAREY LAUGHlNG]

Bachelor number two, as you might be able to tell, l`m an autumn.

What`s your favorite color and why? [GROANlNG]

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

Bachelor number three.

I`m an expensiVe race car what kind am l? You`re just trying to change the subject.

Why can`t we talk about what I wanna talk about? We`re in love and we`re going away together.

And you can`t stop us.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

Put me down now.

[BUZZER BUZZlNG]

All right.

Ian, uh wanna guess who they are? Yeah.

I`ll take a wild s*ab at it.

[CAREY LAUGHlNG]

Bachelor number one would be a, uh, soccer announcer? CAREY: Yes.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

Bachelor number two would be Dr.

Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk? Yes.

He eVen knows the character name.

That`s amazing.

Dr.

Bruce Banner, man.

Now, bachelor number three, would that be a teenage girl? -That would be your teenage daughter.

-My teenage daughter.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

Ian doesn`t have a teenage daughter.

But if he did, it would look just like Ryan Stiles.

[CAREY LAUGHlNG]

That was a thousand points all around.

That was really great.

Let`s play a game called MoVing People.

This is for Colin and Ryan.

They`ll improVise a scene but they can`t moVe unless somebody moVes them.

-What`s your name? -Callie.

-Cath-- Callie? -Callie.

Come here.

What`s your name? -Peter and Callie, you know each other? -Yes.

Good.

Come on down here.

Go join Colin and Ryan.

[AUDlENCE CLAPPlNG]

CAREY: I picked you because of the shorts.

Okay, now, listen, they can`t move unless you move them.

So pretend they`re just mannequins and they`re flexible.

Put them in a position to start.

Remember we`re on national network teleVision.

Owned by Disney.

Can`t do anything too bad.

Okay.

That two fingers is good.

And, uh-- National TV.

Now, the scene is a honeymoon wedding night starts off great but then goes horribly wrong when an earthquake hits.

So, remember, they can`t move unless you move them.

Now, let me just snip this ribbon in the door and we`ll be in our suite.

All right.

Are you gonna carry me over the threshold? If I can get oVer there, I will.

You bet I am.

MOCHRlE: Oh, honey, honey.

-You`re as trim as eVer.

MOCHRlE: I loVe you so much.

-I loVe you this much.

Oh, not yet.

You know, perhaps we should go into the room.

If you think that`s best.

PETER: Earthquake, earthquake, earthquake.

Oh, do you feel that rumbling? -A rumble? -Yes.

How come you`re not shaking quite as much as me? [CAREY AND AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

Quick, to the floor.

All right.

Apparently, you`re feeling it a lot more than I am.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

I think it`s a 5.

1.

-Honey, don`t speak.

-Okay.

Sometimes you have me in stitches, my side`s splitting.

Oh, I feel ill.

-What? -lt must haVe been that cake.

Let me excite you with my strange, um, movements.

I long-- I can`t-- [CAREY AND AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

[BUZZER BUZZlNG]

CAREY: Okay, that`s it.

Move.

Stop, stop, stop.

Okay.

Thank you very much, Peter.

Thank you very much, Callie.

Thank you very much.

That was great.

Man.

[LAUGHlNG]

You guys were great.

Thanks Very much.

[CAREY LAUGHlNG]

A thousand points each for keeping it clean.

Let`s play a game called Weird Newscasters.

This is for all four of you.

In this game, Brad, you`re gonna be the anchorman of a news show.

And Ryan, lan and Colin are the co-presenters.

Brad, your co-anchor is Colin.

Colin, you only have a five-second memory.

Just like in real life.

Doing sports is lan Gomez.

Ian, you`re gonna be Ricky Ricardo at his wits` end.

Ryan, you`re the wicked witch from The Wizard of Oz.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

So, uh, whenever you hear the music, go ahead and start.

[NEWS THEME PLAYlNG]

Hello and welcome to The Six O`Clock News.

I`m Chester Flatbottom.

After a three-and-a-half-month medical survey experts have proven that Al Gore is actually alive.

And now, with the stock report, please welcome Lazlo Turkeybaster.

Lazlo.

Thank you, Chester.

Stocks are up, up, up, up.

Thank you, Chester.

Stocks are up, up, up.

Thank you, Lazlo.

We`ll moVe quickly on to sports.

And now in sports, we had a wild day, Damian Hardpanck.

[lMlTATlNG RlCKY RlCARDO LAUGH]

Thank you very much.

We have a live feed from a hockey game that happened today.

Let`s take a look.

There`s Samsung going down the ice over the blu-- That`s not Samsung.

Lucy.

Lucy, what are you doing there? I told her she can`t go to the game today.

Lucy, where`s Fred and Ethel? Ay, caramba, Lucy.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

Back to you.

And now let`s look at what`s in store for the weekend weather.

Please welcome, Chlorophyll Lettucecrisper.

Chlorophyll.

[lMlTATlNG SMOKE HlSSlNG]

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

Yeah.

You`ve come to see the weather, have you? It will be sunny all weekend.

A good time to take your dog for a walk.

Your little dog.

Your little dog.

[SPEAKlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

[SCREAMlNG]

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

Well.

That`s all the time we have for The Six O`Clock News.

Please tune in for The 6:05 News in just one minute.

Good night.

[NEWS THEME PLAYlNG]

Listen, don`t go away, we`re gonna see commercials.

We`ll be right back with more of Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

Stay right where you are.

[MUSlC PLAYlNG]

Hello, welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

Where everything`s made up.

Points don`t matter.

Special hello to little junior improvers out there.

Hope you and your parents are loving the show.

Uh, let`s play a game now called Greatest Hits.

This is for, uh, Colin, Ryan and Brad.

It`s called Greatest Hits.

With the help of Laura Hall on the piano.

Laura Hall.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

Now, what happens in this game is Colin and Ryan are TV voice-over guys.

They`ll talk about the latest compilation album.

And Brad is gonna try to sing snippets of the songs that Ryan and Colin make up.

And what I need from the audience is a profession you wouldn`t sing songs about.

MAN: Ant farmer.

What was that up there? Ant farmer.

That sounds good.

Okay, tough guy, Mr.

Singer.

Let`s-- The name of your album is Songs of the Ant Farmer.

We`ll return to your moVie The Man Who Would Be Queen in one moment but first, haVe we got an offer for you.

As long as there`s been ant farms, there`s been music about ant farms.

And if that isn`t the truth, it would be a lie.

We have compiled an incredible collection of ant farm-related songs.

Over 50 songs on 49 CDs.

You know, many songs are on this.

One of my favorites, of course, is the French cancan number " Hey, Look--" " Hey, Look, Picnic.

" [CANCAN MUSlC PLAYlNG]

[SlNGlNG]

There I see a little picnic Let`s go to it real quick I think we will get so sick, sick Sick, sick, sick We will eat all of their food there And we will not care, care Because we are ants And we will jump inside their pants, pants Hurry with their pants, pants We will do the dance, dance If we really can [HUMMlNG]

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

Hey, Col, where is your favorite place to listen to this CD? -ln the bathtub.

-Really? -Yes.

-How would I know? Ah.

And of course, who could forget when ant farm seemed to be the rage in every form of entertainment.

Who could forget the theme song from that great sitcom "lnsects and the Single Girl.

" [UPBEAT MUSlC PLAYlNG]

Meet Cindy, who is a single girl She`s living inside her cute little world But there`s glass on either side And sand all around When she goes from the top to the bottom Then she sees the ants and her friend, Ken Comes in and he sneaks in And doesn `t make a sound So they have to pretend That their neighbor, Bob Is really a guy who doesn `t have a job And later on, they all get up and dance On the farm full of ants [AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

The hits on this CD aren`t just by obscure artists.

-No, there are big names on it too.

-Like who? Well, as a special bonus gift, if you phone by 5:00 today you`ll receive that number one B-52`s hit "l`Ve Got a Thorax to Grind With You.

" [UPBEAT ELECTRONlC b*at MUSlC PLAYlNG]

Just yesterday I saw the insect world And I looked around And it was unfurled I went to the picnic And it was bad I had a deviated septum And it made me mad I saw bugs and bugs And bugs and bugs And those bugs seem like They were on some drug They kept on crawling on me Like I was a worm And then I had to do The ant worm squirm [HOWLlNG]

[BUZZER BUZZlNG]

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

I thought ant farm would be such a tough one.

What a dummy I am.

Okay.

Thousand points apiece.

Let`s go on to a game called Party Quirks.

This is for everybody.

Brad, you`re hosting a party.

Then lan, Colin and Ryan are gonna come in as his guests.

And each of them has a strange quirky identity written on cards.

It`s the first time they`Ve seen them.

Brad has to guess what the quirks are.

Brad, come up and set the party.

Ian, Colin and Ryan, wanna bring you with the doorbell.

And whenever you`re ready, Brad, start the party.

Yeah, Drew`s out of town and l`m housesitting for him.

He`s got a water slide.

Come on oVer.

[DOORBELL RlNGlNG]

Hey, how`re you doing there, Mugsy? How you doing? Hey-- [GROANlNG]

[DOORBELL RlNGlNG]

Maybe I should turn on the stereo.

-Hello.

-Where is she? [AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

Where is she? I don`t know where she is.

You should do that outside.

Look.

I`Ve had a bad day.

There started off with, like, 26 million of us and it`s just gone downhill since then.

Do I have to draw you a diaphragm? [AUDlENCE AND CAREY LAUGHlNG]

Hello.

Hello.

[SNlFFlNG]

SHERWOOD: l-- I don`t believe we`ve-- [HOWLlNG]

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

Here, boy.

Here, boy.

Here, boy.

Have you met my friend who`s going through electroshock therapy? CAREY: No, he`s not-- -He was just assassinated -in a gangster-style b*llet.

-Yeah.

-You`re a faithful pointer dog.

-Yeah, yeah.

You`re Drew`s best dog friend.

You`re a hunting dog.

[CAREY LAUGHlNG]

-You`re a tracking dog.

-Guess what he`s trained to sniff out? -Deodorant.

-No.

It says here, "Bloodhound trained to sniff out complete idiots.

" [CAREY AND AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

Just shut up.

-What`s-- -Were you in the Marines? Because you look like a merchant semen.

[CAREY AND AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

Hardy-har! -Can you-- Can you guess what he is before-- -Are you an angry sperm looking for an egg? CAREY: Yes.

Of course I am.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

Don`t go away.

We`ll see a commercial.

We`ll find out who the winner is and do a game with me.

So stay tuned.

More of Whose Line Is It Anyway? when we come back.

[MUSlC PLAYlNG]

Hello, welcome back to Whose Line is It Anyway?.

Tonight`s winners, Ryan and Colin.

Can you believe it? [AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

CAREY: Who would have thought? But there it is.

I`m as shocked as you are.

Ryan and Colin.

They`re gonna play a game called Helping Hands.

What happens is, we`re gonna do a scene, but Ryan cannot use his hands.

Colin is gonna be his hands.

Uh, l`m gonna be a female.

Put on a wig and-- Thank you.

[MAN WHlSTLlNG]

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

Brad.

What`s our scene? Ryan is a flamboyant cocktail waiter showing off his skills to a female customer, Drew.

-Hello.

[lN FEMlNlNE VOlCE]

: Hi.

I don`t believe we`ve seen you before.

Welcome.

And you came in Karaoke Night, good choice.

-Thank you very much.

-What can I get you? What can I offer you? -Anything here.

-I would like the kind of onions and olive thing.

Any thing like that, I love.

With an umbrella? I think you`re talking a martini.

Okay.

If that`s what you call them.

[GlGGLlNG]

-Oh, it`s very strong -Oh, is it really? -Oh, yes, it is.

-Does it taste good with cherries? What is that supposed to mean? -Wow.

-Yup.

Oh, well.

-l`ll try one more.

I`ll try one-- -I love a man that can toss his ice around.

Oh, l`m sorry.

-That turns me on so much.

-And here we go.

I`ll show you how a real bartender works.

-That`s really great.

-Yeah.

Here, let me help you with these.

Here you go.

Oh, those are final touches, final touches.

Don`t put those on yet-- -Do they taste good by themselves? -Oh, olives and onions? You bet they do.

CAREY: Oh, yeah.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CLAPPlNG]

Let me grab a towel.

Let me just grab a towel.

Here we go.

Boy, that`s tasty.

Yeah.

I bet nothing washes that down like a lemon or lime, huh? The only thing that washes that stuff down is some good Brie.

-Which we don`t haVe but-- -Will this do? Is this a good something-- -This has gotta clear your palate.

-Well, citrus always does.

-Care to try one? -No, thanks.

You go ahead.

Oh, all right.

Let`s have a little squeeze.

Lemons, by the way-- How`s that? Oh, man.

[CAREY LAUGHlNG]

Weren`t you gonna make me a martini? -Smooth.

-Yeah.

[BUZZER BUZZlNG]

Thanks for watching Whose Line is It Anyway?.

See you next time.

Good night, everybody.

[CHEERlNG]