01x15 - February 10, 1999

[bunniefuu]

CAREY: Good evening and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

On tonight`s show: Do you come here often? Greg Proops.

Is it hot in here or is it just Wayne Brady? You know what they say about bald guys.

Colin Mochrie.

And has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Stiles? Hey, l`m your host, Drew Carey.

Let`s start the show.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? the show where everything`s made up and points don`t matter.

If you neve seen the show they make stuff up off the top of their heads based on suggestions on these cards they`ve never seen and suggestions from the audience.

At the end of every round, I give them points.

I don`t know why.

They really don`t mean a thing.

At the end, I pick who I like best and they do something with me for you.

That`s right.

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

When I say they get to do a little something with me I think you know what l`m talking about.

We`ll start with a game called Weird Newscasters, for all four of you.

Colin, you`re the anchorman of a news show.

And Greg, Wayne and Ryan are the co-presenters.

Greg, you`re the, uh, co-anchor.

You`re a crazed James Bond villain.

[AUDlENCE AND CAREY LAUGHlNG]

Uh, Wayne, you`re doing the sports.

You spot your girlfriend with another man in the audience.

Okay.

CAREY: Ryan, you`re doing the weather, and you`re a psycho with a chain saw.

-No, no.

CAREY: So just pretend it`s the weekend.

When you hear the music, go ahead and start.

[NEWS THEME PLAYlNG]

Welcome to The Six O`Clock News.

Our top story: Wives live longer than husbands because they`re not married to women.

[AUDlENCE AND CAREY LAUGHlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

And please join me in welcoming our newest co-anchor.

-Welcome.

-Thank you so much.

Well, Mr.

Bond, I suppose you think this is it.

Perhaps you`d like to make love to my mistress before I fondue the world.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

Minky doesn`t like the anchor, do you, Minky? [YOWLlNG]

You make her very upset.

Perhaps you`d like to drop into my pool of piranhas.

Thunk! Oh, that one never works.

Well, I see by the clock on the wall it is now time for sports with Crash Ripley.

-Crash.

-Hi, thank you very much.

Well, it appears that in the second month of the lockdown, uh that, uh-- That-- That the NBA, nothing`s.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

Is that--? What the hell are you do--? Excuse me.

Excuse me a second, right.

I`m doing my job as a weatherman.

All of a sudden, you wanna go ahead and step out? I got hair, girl! [MAN SPEAklNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

What the hell are you doing? I don`t understand! [BRADY SOBBlNG]

All I ever-- Every day, I come to work and I pull down the screen and I put the football team.

And I come and I work my fingers to the bone and you`re there with a bald man! She`s with a bald man! She`s with a bald--! She`s with a bald man! She`s with a bald--! [YELLS]

[PROOPS CHUCkLlNG]

This just in: Cheating girlfriends live longer than their boyfriends.

And now over to the weather.

What`s happening this weekend? [lMlTATES STARTlNG A CHAlN SAW]

We`re expecting a lot of rain in the state of Oregon.

So let`s just get rid of Oregon.

[BRADY SCREAMS]

Well, that`s all the time we have.

See you tomorrow on The Six O`Clock News.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

Hey, just a bit, man.

Calm down, it`s just a bit.

[CAREY CHUCkLES]

Usually I give points to the performers.

This time, 1 000 points to the bald guy.

Good for you.

While l`m at it, 1 000 points for the bald guy sitting next to you.

Let`s go on to a game called Song Styles.

This is for Wayne Brady, with the help of Laura Hall.

Laura Hall on the piano.

Laura Hall.

We`re gonna need a volunteer from the audience.

You`re right in the front, easy to get to.

Your name? -Carly.

-What do you do for a living? -l`m a fashion designer.

-Okay, I believe you.

Come on down.

Step right up.

Meet Wayne.

Wayne, like you to meet Carly, the fashion designer.

You`re gonna sing a song to her in the style of Cab Calloway.

-Okay.

CAREY: Wow.

[MUSlC PLAYlNG]

[AUDlENCE AND CAREY LAUGHlNG]

[lMlTATlNG CAB CALLOWAY]

How you doing there, sister? I`m one sweet-dressing mister Tell me something, can you design Pants to fit on my big behind? [AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND LAUGHlNG]

[SCATTlNG]

Can you tell me this? Can you dress me, miss? Please, I do insist Can you put some clothes on me? Because I`ve seen you, girl I know that you`re great I watch you walk over here You`ve got a great fashion plate [SCATTlNG]

I like the way that you dress Sing it [BRADY SCATTlNG]

[AUDlENCE SCATTlNG]

Take off your clothes -Thank you, Carly.

-That was beautiful.

Thank you, Carly.

Thank you very much, Carly.

Thank you very much.

Ohh.

A hundred thousand points to the estate of Cab Calloway.

Now let`s go on to a game called Dating Service.

This is for everybody.

Ryan and Colin, get a box of hats.

Greg and Wayne, get another box of hats.

What`s gonna happen, they go back and forth and using the hats, come up with as many examples as possible of the world`s worst dating-service video.

Ryan and Colin, go ahead and start.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

When it comes to making love, I may not be the best, but l`m damn Gouda.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

PROOPS [lN HlGH-PlTCHED VOlCE]

: Date me.

Date me.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

MOCHRlE: Once you`ve had me, you`ll never forget.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Lie to me, girl.

Lie to me.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Want to find out why they call me a drill sergeant? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

PROOPS [lN ENGLlSH ACCENT]

: One hopes you don`t mind dating an old queen.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Who wants some hot dog on a me? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

I`ve been with presidents, but I love the common man.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

I`m ready for your parry if you`re ready for my thrust.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Care to have a three-way? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

[lN SOUTHERN ACCENT]

Miss Scarlet, Miss Scarlet I don`t know nothing about no French kissing.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

We`re gonna go to commercial.

We`ll be back with more Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

Don`t go anywhere.

Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? where everything`s made up and points don`t matter.

Did you take time to pet your dog during the commercial? I did.

Now let`s go on to a game called Sportscasters.

This is for all four of you.

Greg and Wayne, you`ll be sportscasters commentating on an everyday event.

And Ryan and Colin will act out the event in slow motion.

Ryan and Colin, you are two plumbers making a house call.

Two plumbers making a house call.

Hello, everybody.

I`m Nip Scully.

[SPEAklNG lN SPANlSH]

I`m here with Juan Del Jesus De Jones watching a fabulous event where two plumbers make a house call.

Let`s cut right to the action, shall we, Juan Del Jesus? BRADY [lN SPANlSH ACCENT]

: lt`s incredible.

What is happening right now is Morton is pulling out a big socket wrench.

And he is pumping the pipe.

He is pumping the pipe.

Look at the pipe.

Pumping, it is.

PROOPS: Looks like Ryan`s got something in his sleeve.

I can`t quite make it out.

Could you see that? BRADY: Oh, it`s the plunger! It`s the plunger! Look, look! PROOPS: I don`t care who you are.

That has got to hurt a lot, huh? BRADY: I haven`t seen that one-- lt`s the old plunger face-pull.

-I haven`t seen it since Barcelona.

PROOPS: No, I have not either.

Ooh, looks like he`s applying something else to his head, as the plumber-- Morton`s got something in his hand.

Oh, it`s-- It is the old clamp nipple-twist.

This is horrible, horrible.

PROOPS: You know what? That was so gruesome.

Let`s see it again in the miracle of super-slow motion.

As we reverse back, Morton with the nipple-clamp.

-What`s going on there, Juan? BRADY: As you can see he uses all of his force to grasp the areola.

He`s twisting it, he`s twisting it.

And there, that is how you win.

That is it.

PROOPS: I would not want to be in his shirt.

Well, the action continues here as they go for the final plunge.

BRADY: That is it.

And he`s looking inside-- PROOPS: Morton`s got his head in-- BRADY AND PROOPS: Oh! PROOPS: Slams the lid down on top.

BRADY: He`s flushing.

-Oh, that is a swirly.

PROOPS: Oh, that is a swirly.

I haven`t seen that since Heffelneckler in 1 968.

BRADY: But the good thing-- The good thing is his defense is he has no hair.

PROOPS: Oh, absolutely.

There goes Morton.

BRADY: Oh! PROOPS: lt`s the trouser-drop.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

PROOPS: Hello, nurse! [BUZZER SOUNDlNG]

I don`t know where you came up with spanking Ryan, but get out of my head.

Wow, that was freaky.

And in slow-motion, too, just like I dreamed.

Oh, okay.

A thousand points for all of you.

Let`s go on to a game called Film Dub, shall we? It`s a game called Film Dub, okay? We`ll show a piece of film to Ryan, Greg and Colin.

They supply their own words to the film.

Why don`t you go to the screen? You`ll see it in the studio and at home.

They make up their own words.

The scene l`d like you to improvise is two suitors asking the father for his daughter`s hand in marriage.

-What`s this game called? CAREY: Film Dub.

Right.

PROOPS: And that`s how I got a terrier stuck to my chin.

MOCHRlE [lN SWEDlSH ACCENT]

: Ah! This is a lovely naked rendering of your daughter.

Here, have a look.

STlLES: Eh.

I think l`m drunk enough.

MOCHRlE: Not drunk enough to think what I am thinking.

Ohh, I would take your daughter away to the highest.

STlLES: Oh, yeah? The highest what? MOCHRlE: l`m thinking mountain, maybe? Or maybe just on a picnic.

STlLES: I can give her everything you can`t.

MOCHRlE: You do not have a feather in your hat.

PROOPS: I can teach you how to smoke.

Look, my hair is on fire even as I speak.

[AUDlENCE AND CAREY LAUGHlNG]

[MOCHRlE MAklNG CLOPPlNG SOUNDS]

STlLES: Oh, nice-looking horse.

Excuse me.

PROOPS: Oh, no, no, no.

STlLES: That was the horse.

CAREY: Okay, that was great.

Usually I give 1 000 points but since the points don`t matter and l`m from Cleveland, 1 000 beers.

A thousand beers to everybody.

Now let`s play a game called Greatest Hits.

This is a game for Colin, Ryan and Wayne with the help of Laura Hall on the piano.

Laura Hall.

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

What will happen is Colin and Ryan are voice-over guys talking about the latest compilation album.

Wayne will sing snippets of the songs that they talk about.

What we need from the audience is the sort of profession you wouldn`t normally sing songs about.

[SHOUTlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

What? Mechanic.

Let us see, okay.

Certainly better than archaeologist, whoever yelled that out.

So whenever you`re ready, let`s hear the album, Songs of the Mechanic.

We`ll be back soon to the wildlife movie, Bertha the Dyslexic Ephelant.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

But first, we have an offer for you you will not believe.

That`s right, Colin.

Who could ever forget the Sounds of the Mechanic? The songs, the lyrics, the romantic ballads.

I know I can`t.

I can`t and l`ve been taking therapy.

I know, as a small child growing up on the south side of Saskatchewan we used to listen to the `/0s funk hit, "Check Under the Hood.

" [MUSlC PLAYlNG]

[SlNGlNG]

I`ve heard something And, man, I know it`s not that good What you sayin `? Check it out, brother There is a big rattle clanging Ding-ding-dang-a-boom, under my hood Say what? Uh-huh I was driving My car broke down last night "I`m gonna charge you about $55" Say what? That ain `t right! Check under the hood The what? The hood, you heard me H-O-double-O-D The hood Ow! [AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

-Hey, I tell you, those songs are one bad-- -Shut your mouth.

How much would you pay for a four-CD set like this, Colin? Well, gosh, l`d pay upwards of my life savings.

And that`s all we expect of you.

You know, when I was a young boy growing up in the hood I used to love the music of the street.

And that`s why my favorite song in this entire collection is Snoop Doggy Dogg`s all-time favorite "l`m Gonna Lube You Whether You Like It Or Not.

" [AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

[MUSlC PLAYlNG]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah That`s right That`s right Yeah, yeah, yeah Now, whether you like it, man Or whether you like it Because you see, I`m there So go on, try it You dis a fact that You can `t understand Reach over there, man And give me the can That is my temperature It begin boil Because I grab it And then I check oil That is so right Because I get rude Damn, so slippery, man I`m gonna lube I`m gonna lube you Whether you like it or not, baby Say what? I`m gonna lube you Whether or not you like it, girl I`m gonna lube it whether you like it Say what, baby I`m gonna check under your hood, little girl Verse two Now, pardon me, miss I don `t mean to be rude But you came into my shop So I got to get the lube Miss, excuse me Yes, it`s the hood Because you understand Brother`s up to no good Check on the side Check it on top Say what, girl? Oops! And get back to your stop I might have to jack And that, it is that Because I can lube you In no time flat Might have to lube you, girl Word up, dog [AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

What`s up? What`s up? What`s up? Shut up.

I am down with that.

They don`t put a g*n to our head to get us to say this.

That`s right.

You know, one of my favorite artists was Pat Boone.

But unfortunately, none of his songs are on this CD.

But what we do have is that great Stevie Wonder hit, "Supertransmission.

" [MUSlC PLAYlNG]

[SCATTlNG]

[SlNGlNG]

You have to understand Oh, I`m in a weird position Yeah I`m gonna have to ask you over And let me check your transmission Oh, yeah, yeah Every time you come into my shop My heart, it gets a lift And I grab your stick shift And I begin to shift With your super, super Super duper transmission, baby [SCATTlNG]

Kick into first, second, third, fourth, clutch Oh, yeah, yeah [MAkES TlRE-SCREECHlNG SOUND]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

CAREY: Thank you very much.

That was great.

We`re gonna have a commercial.

We`ll find out who the winner is.

They do something special with me, so don`t go away.

Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

Tonight`s winner, Wayne Brady.

[YELLS]

So the rest of us are gonna be punished by doing a Hoedown for you.

What we need from the audience is a suggestion of a major life event.

Surgery.

We`re doing surgery.

That`s what I heard first.

We`ll do surgery.

Surgery.

So, Laura Hall, whenever you`re ready, lets do the surgery hoedown.

[AUDlENCE CLAPPlNG]

When I went to med school I was very proud When I got my diploma I yelled right out loud I did an operation And I did my part His name was Newt Gingrich And I removed his heart I had an operation To take out my appendix The name of my doctor Was Dr.

Bendix I hope soon that I get out all my stitches Because let me tell you, brother They hurt like sons of g*ns [AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

Throughout my life I used to laugh like this: Hee-hee-hee Not so since I`ve had some major surgery It really went horrible It realized all my fears Because of that surgery I now pee out my ears [AUDlENCE AND BRADY LAUGHlNG]

My brother needed surgery But we both were broke I took him to a veterinarian As a little joke He never complained I didn `t hear a peep So I thought, "What the hell?" And had him put to sleep ALL: Had him put to sleep Thanks for watching.

We`ll see you later.

Bye-bye.