01x17 - February 24, 1999

[bunniefuu]

CAREY: Good evening and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

On tonight`s show, As Good as It Gets, Wayne Brady.

Great Expectations from Stephen Colbert.

The Good, the Bad and the Colin Mochrie.

And The Kid From Outer Space, Ryan Stiles.

I`m your host Drew Carey.

Let`s have some fun.

Hello and thank you.

Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

Where everything`s made up and points don`t matter.

If you never saw the show, they will come down and make up everything on the spot based on suggestions from the audience and these blue cards here, which they`ve never seen before.

At the end of every round, I give points.

I don`t know why.

The show was made up in England.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHS]

And at the end of the show one of them gets to do-- The winner gets to do a little something special with me.

Or is it the loser? We`re gonna start with a game called Weird Newscasters.

All four of you are newscasters.

Stephen, you`re gonna be anchor of a news program.

Ryan, Wayne, Colin will be his co-presenters but each will be an odd character.

Colin, you`re the co-anchor and you`re a mother doing baby talk to Stephen.

Sportscaster is Wayne.

Wayne, you`re gonna be doing Bill Cosby.

And Ryan, you`re doing the weather, you`re in love with the camera.

You talk about you on the show here, you`re in love with the camera.

Whenever you hear the music, go ahead and go.

[MUSlC PLAYlNG]

Welcome to Newswatcher 10.

I`m Louis Dangle and now the 6:00 news at 9.

Tonight`s top story.

Tonight`s top story: Trouble Causes Problems.

But first an international report from Bill.

Bill Ruthford, go.

Who`s the wittle newsman? Who`s the wittle newsman? Is that smelly? Is that a smelly? He go pooh wooh woo woo? He go pooh wooh woo woo woo.

Oh, that`s a nasty thing.

Oh, that`s a nasty thing.

[GlBBERlNG]

keep us up to date on that, Bill.

Now, let`s check out the world of sports with our own Skip to the Loo.

Skip? [lMlTATlNG BlLL COSBY]

Now, you see because the guy was throwing the ball.

And they go and catch the ball because they`re running like they`re playing on JELL-O.

If it`s on a touchdown, and they score the points, and all the seven of them then they win, and they all win.

Ha-ha-ha.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

Sounds like a great game there, Skip.

And now check out tomorrow`s weather with Storm Surge.

Storm.

Well, thank you very much.

As you can see we`ve-- We got a lot of sunshine in store for us over the-- Over the weekend.

Heading into Monday, we`ll be getting a little-- A little moisture.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

Moisture that-- Hello.

[SlNGlNG]

A little moisture I see you I see you a little moisture Who`s he? Who the hell are you? Leave her alone.

Tramp, I gave you everything, you tramp.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

That`s our news for this evening.

Don`t forget at 2 a.

m.

, turn your clocks back or forward 24 hours.

[MUSlC PLAYlNG]

I`m gonna give 1 000 points to the cameraman for that shake thing.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

Let`s go on to a game called Scene to Rap.

Wayne and Stephen will start this game.

The other two are gonna join them later.

They`ll rap throughout the scene with the help of rap master Laura Hall at the piano.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

CAREY: Okay.

What we need from the audience is a suggestion for the kind of disaster -you might make a movie about.

MAN: Mardi gras.

That`s no disaster for me, buddy.

[AUDlENCE SHOUTlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

Avalanche, there you go, an avalanche.

That`s good.

It`s about an avalanche, and rap away whenever you`re ready.

[RAP MUSlC PLAYlNG]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

[SlNGlNG]

Now we`re going really fast Don `t be a dope Because you don `t wanna crash Into the slope Oh, look at my, oh, look at me I`m the only black guy here to ski Look at me as I go real fast Oops! Don `t slip, might bust your ass Oh, wait a second, hold on, boys Big rocks, don `t make too much Noise, noise, noise Step back for my att*ck I gotta be clear, I feel fear If this avalanche come We`re gonna be destroyed I feel annoyed, not overjoyed Perhaps I`m just paranoid We can `t avoid Peace [AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CHEERlNG]

Don `t stand here, go, go, go You`re gonna be hit by flowin ` snow Come with me, it won `t be hard Hop on my back, I`m a Saint Bernard [BRADY AND STlLES WOOFlNG]

Hi there, guys, hi there, dog I saw you while I was standing on the log I saw the avalanche Come down the pass That`s why I brought This magnifying glass We`ll use the sun and the heat rays To make everything Way, way, way, way, safer COLBERT & BRADY: Safer Feel safer, safer, safer, safer Said safer, said safer, said safer On it now.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[ALL LAUGHlNG]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

An extra 50 points to Colin for the chicken walk thing.

Just like I dreamed it.

[CAREY LAUGHlNG]

Now, let`s go with a game called Moving People.

This is for Colin and Ryan.

And they`re gonna improvise a scene with people from our audience.

Let`s have a look.

These are the people I had my eye on the whole show.

Picked you out early.

Hey, what`s your name? Nice to meet you, Bonita.

And your name? -kelly.

-Nice to meet you.

Come up here and meet Ryan and Colin.

Bonita and Kelly.

Bonita`s Spanish for lots of bones.

I don`t know if you knew that.

But Bonita and kelly-- [lN SPANlSH ACCENT]

Bonita.

Bonita.

The game`s called Moving People.

So you move them like they`re bendy people.

Put them in any composition to start with.

Remember, we`re on national TV so nothing dirty.

They can`t move unless you move them, not at all.

If you want them to smile, you have to move his thing.

Okay, there you go.

The scene is you`re two Navy SEALs at the beach.

And you`re about to embark on a mission to blow up an enemy boat.

-l`m just gonna put on my wet suit.

-Aye, aye.

I see something in the distance.

It`s very low in the distance.

There it is.

Oh, I feel-- -I see it, sir.

-Shh.

Hallelujah.

[CAREY AND AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

You`ll never guess what l`m doing, sir.

I`m using semaphore.

So am I but only with my legs.

Sir, l`m feeling a little queasy.

STlLES: You`re queasy.

-l`m feeling a groin pull.

Ah.

I almost suffocated in the sand.

[CAREY AND AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

I`m in the water, sir, l`m in the water.

I`m coming, l`m coming.

Don`t worry, l`ll rescue you.

Here I come.

Grab on to this.

I`ll just hold you down in the water.

That`s my way of helping you from drowning.

Here we go, I must be in the German army.

Okay, sir.

Here we go.

I feel uncomfortable about this.

Hey, look how many different positions I can get into.

I`m like Gumby.

MOCHRlE: Sir? -What? -The boat is right ahead of us.

-Quiet, l`m expressing myself.

Sir, try to keep your mind on the mission.

I`m sorry.

[BUZZER SOUNDlNG]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

Okay, we`re gonna go to commercial.

We`ll be right back for more right after this.

Don`t go away.

Hey, welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

Where everything`s made up.

Points don`t matter.

If you`re keeping score, medical help is on the way.

Don`t argue with them, just go where they tell you to.

We`ll start the second half with a game called Props.

One of my favorites.

Get your props.

This is for Ryan and Stephen.

This is your prop.

Ryan and Stephen.

And Wayne and Colin, this is your prop.

They have to come up with as many funny things to do with these props as they can.

I`ll buzz in between.

Ryan and Stephen, go ahead, start.

Boy, you guys are really cutting back at this airport, huh? Beep-beep-beep! [BUZZER SOUNDS]

Don`t worry, Adam, it`s a designer fig leaf.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[lN JAMAlCAN ACCENT]

Welcome to Midget Jamaica.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Well, your loan is approved.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Whoever k*lled these Smurfs meant business.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[lN OLD WOMAN VOlCE]

l`m so glad you stopped by.

I`ll get you some tea.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[BRADY SlNGS]

[BRADY MAkES WHOOSHlNG SOUND THEN SCREAMS]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Enh! What is Des Moines? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

I have brought you the head of Woody Woodpecker.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Twenty-four, 36, hut, hut, hut.

[BUZZER SOUNDlNG]

Okay, thank you very much.

That was great.

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

That`s 1 000 points apiece or, if you`re watching in Canada 1 0,000 points a piece.

Now, let`s on go to the game called Greatest Hits.

This is for Colin and Ryan and Wayne.

Laura Hall on the piano.

Laura Hall.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

CAREY: What`ll happen is Colin and Ryan are voice-over guys talking about the latest compilation album with the help of Wayne Brady.

He`s gonna try to sing the snippets of the songs.

What we need from the audience is a suggestion of a profession you wouldn`t normally sing songs about.

[AUDlENCE SHOUTlNG lNDlSTlNCTLY]

Pro bowler.

Pro bowler.

Did that.

Pro bowler.

Pro bowler.

Sheesh.

Am I talking to myself? Pro bowler.

So the name of your album is Songs of the Pro Bowler.

Take it away.

Hi, we`ll return you to Suddenly Snoozin ` in just a moment.

But first, have we got a deal for you.

From the time I was born to the time I was d*ed and then I was reincarnated and come back as this bowling has been a big part of my life.

Sure, it`s not really a sport, but it`s got great music attached to it.

[CAREY CHUCkLlNG]

-You`re drinking coffee again? -Yes, I am.

You know, the music of the bowling alley is loved all over the world.

And no country loves it more than France where-- -Croissants go good with coffee.

-You bet they do.

Oui, oui.

In a minute.

Who can ever forget that number one French ballad, "Spray My Shoes.

" [CAREY LAUGHlNG]

[SlNGlNG lN FRENCH ACCENT]

Because my shoes you must inspect You use Lysol to disinfect They are bowling shoes You must abuse them But I will not wear them Fifty people have used them Yes, you see Ooh, little bitty worms Fifty people with foot fungus germs Just spray them Spray them, ooh la la MOCHRlE: Ohh.

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

You know, when I was growing up my parents used to tell me about doo-wop music.

Well, I never knew what it was about until I got this CD set.

And one of my favorite doo-wop hits is "Gutter Ball.

" [DOO-WOP MUSlC PLAYlNG]

I knew this girl that I liked She could not bowl at all She couldn `t make a strike She`d take the ball Her hands, they were like butter She let go down the alley And, oh-oh, hit the gutter ball The Gutter Ball The Gutter Ball Ooh [AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

Hey, don`t cry.

You`re not that good an actor.

You know.

[CAREY AND AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

As long as there`s been bowling, there`s been music.

And one of my favorites is that great Jerry Lee Lewis hit it is, "Bowl Me, Strike Me, Spare Me.

" [CAREY AND STlLES LAUGH]

[PlANO PLAYlNG]

Listen, girl, let me tell you this I love to bowl and I won `t miss I take that ball And that`s not all And down the pins and I just won `t miss Now, you can bowl me, strike me, spare Oh, listen, girl, `cause I just don `t care Why don `t you take your ball and get out of here? And listen to me, look at my derriere Oh, I grab my ball I put it down the alley I go bowling with my girlfriend named Sally She can `t bowl like I can Because I`ve got two balls And I`m a bowling man Baby, baby, bowl me this Bad strike, can you bowl, you miss? I guarantee that I won `t miss So when you bear and you strike Can you spare me this? Whoo [AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Man, you know what, Ryan? You are a good actor.

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

Guess that proves l`m a better one.

Ha-ha-ha.

Now let`s go-- [CAREY LAUGHlNG]

We`re gonna play a game called Party Quirks.

It`s for everybody.

Stephen, you`re the host of a party.

Wayne, Colin and Ryan come in as your guests.

We`ve given each of them a strange, quirk or identity.

Written on cards which they`ve never seen.

Stephen, come and start the party.

And l`ll ring you guys with the doorbell as you come in.

Okay, check out the French onion dip.

Delicious.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

Here we go.

Hey.

Whoo! Whoo! [CAREY LAUGHlNG]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

[BRADY WHOOPlNG]

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

Uh, I gotta get the door.

Hey.

Oh! Aah! It`s-- I hope you`re making tea.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

I am.

There`s some bubbling on the stove right now.

-You`ve met that guy, right, hey? BRADY: Whoo! COLBERT: What`s going on, man? [AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CHEERlNG]

BRADY: Whoo! [BRADY WHOOPlNG]

[CAREY LAUGHlNG]

Hey, come here, can I get you any crab dip? -Nope.

-Yeah, but he`s a lobster.

-Trying to talk his way out of what? -Getting boiled.

CAREY: Yes.

-All right.

All right.

You know what? You know what? I`d love to make this party in celebration of the touchdown you got.

CAREY: Yes.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[CAREY LAUGHlNG]

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

-You`re an amoeba.

CAREY: No.

He was a crash test what? -Crash test dummy.

CAREY: Yes.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

Don`t go away.

We`re gonna see a commercial.

When we come back, we`ll find out who the winner is.

They get to do a game with me so don`t go away.

You don`t wanna miss it.

Hey, welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

Tonight`s winner, Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert.

What do you know.

He gets to sit out while the rest of us, with the help of Laura Hall do a Hoedown.

Yeah.

What we need from the audience is something about modern life that you love.

[AUDlENCE SHOUTlNG]

TV, beer, let`s go-- Television is pretty general.

Let`s take television.

So, Laura Hall, whenever you`re ready, let`s hear the television hoedown.

[SlNGlNG]

When I was growing up My life was really fun I was a latchkey kid I was raised by reruns All that was deep in me A gap needed to fill is The thing I loved to say was "What you talking about, Willis?" [AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

Here`s my story Hope you don `t think I`m a moron But I like to watch TV Without any clothes on Sometimes it raises a fuss Raises up a storm `Cause I`m always watching it In the lounge in my dorm [AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

The other day I went out And got a new TV Just the thought of watching it Filled me up with glee But when I turned it on, you know Boy, I really lost it Because the only thing it picked up Was Veronica`s Closet As an actor, there`s nothing on TV I think they should have A show about me I don `t think that`s odd I don `t think that`s real scary And it`ll happen When I m*rder Drew Carey ALL: m*rder Drew Carey Thanks, everybody.

Have a good night.

Thanks for watching.