01x20 - March 24, 1999

[bunniefuu]

CAREY: Good evening, and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? Tonight, our performers are criminal mastermind Greg Proops.

Representing all her homegirls up in county jail, boy it`s Denny Siegel.

East Coast gangster, Colin Mochrie.

And straight out of Compton, it`s Ryan Stiles.

And l`m your host, Drew Carey.

Come on down, let`s have some fun.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CAREY: Thank you, thank you.

Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? Where everything`s made up and the points don`t matter.

How the show works is we have suggestions the performers haven`t seen.

And suggestions from the audience these guys have to work out a skit or sketch.

They have to make it funny and make it up right on the spot.

It`s fun.

I award points, which don`t make a difference because the people I like best win and they get to do something with me.

[LAUGHTER AND WHlSTLES]

I don`t like it any more than they do.

[LAUGHTER]

We`re going to start with Weird Newscasters.

Four of you.

In this game, Greg is going to be the anchor of a news program Colin, Denny, and Ryan are co-presenters on the show each of them is gonna be a really odd character.

Greg`s co-anchor is Colin.

CAREY: Colin, you`re auditioning for roles in a horror movie.

[CHUCkLES]

Denny, you`re doing sports and you`re a Catskills comedian.

Good luck.

And Ryan, you`re doing the weather and you keep carelessly throwing away your lit cigarettes.

Greg, whenever you hear the music, go ahead.

[UPBEAT MUSlC PLAYS]

Good evening.

I`m shallow but authoritative.

These are the headlines.

There`s apricots all over the Washington Monument and monkey children have swarmed the capitol.

Colin? [AS FRANkENSTElN]

Everywherechaos! Burning fire! [SCREAMlNG]

[GlBBERlNG [CHEERS]

[LAUGHS]

The full moon! [HOWLlNG]

Stop it! [AUDlENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS]

We-- Thank you, Colin.

Now we move over to Denny at the sports desk.

Denny, we understand you just flew in from New York City.

That`s right.

It was cold up there.

Anyway, l`m here to talk about sports.

My husband is a Yankees fan.

It hasn`t been good with my husband.

He said, "That`s the worst sex we ever had.

" I said, "Honey, you just vacuumed the rug.

" Ha! Things are hard for me at home.

My kids hate me.

Two kids I breast-feed I have the only infant bulimics in the country.

Ha! It doesn`t turn me off.

I`d like to have more.

My biological clock is ticking.

Of course, my womb is so stretched out, it`s Big Ben.

Ha! Back to you.

[GROANlNG]

Ah-ah-ah-ah! Ahem.

Thank you, Denny.

Well, there`s a whole lot of weather coming up this weekend Iet`s throw it over to Ryan and see what`s happening there.

Ryan? Well, thank you, Greg.

We`ve got quite a bit of cold weather in store.

As you can tell by looking at our map, Oregon is on fire.

Oregon is on fire, and it`s moving up to Washington State.

Up to Washington, into British Columbia.

Oregon`s on fire.

Oh, my God! I`m on fire! Someone help me! I`m on fire! Put me out! Put me out! [MOCHRlE GROANlNG]

Someone`s on fire! Put it out! [SCREAMlNG]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Back to you, Greg.

That`s all the time we have for tonight.

We`ll see you tomorrow.

Stay tuned for When Vegetables att*ck.

I`m going to give %00,000 points to Ryan for setting the whole Western United States on fire.

Let`s go to a game called Multiple Personalities.

For Ryan, Colin, and Greg.

They`ll act a scene involving three items.

Let`s get the items.

Each item has a different personality attached.

Here you go.

Whoever`s holding the flashlight is Liberace.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Whosever holding the a* is Jimmy Stewart.

And whosever holding the r*fle is Scooby-Doo.

The scene is, you`re having a problem while out hunting.

Wha-wha-wha-wha- wha-wha-wha-wha- What-what-what-what-- Shh! I`m telling you, I heard a noise.

A noise in the bush.

Rooby-roo! Rooby-roo! [MUMBLlNG LlkE SCOOBY-DOO]

Somebody has to go in the bush and take a look.

My brother George told me this could be dangerous.

Oh, N-- No.

It`s the easiest thing in the world.

[STAMMERlNG]

You put one-- One-- One-- One-- One foot in front of the other, and you move.

Well, if you`re both going to be sissies, l`ll go first.

Well-- Well-- Well, why don`t you do that? Bl-bl-bl-bl! Oh, gosh.

Look over there.

N-- N-- Now, t-- t-- that doesn`t look normal over there.

Well, it`s just two minks doing what minks do.

Maybe you better give me the g*n -in case I got to sh**t something.

-W-- W-- Like what? -Uh-oh.

-Woop.

What is it? Wha-- What is it? It`s a rig rare! It`s a rig rare! Rig rare in the rushes! GREG: Oh.

Oh.

Give me that-- [MUMBLlNG LlkE SCOOBY-DOO]

[lMlTATES g*nshots]

-lt`s read row! -Look at that.

You-- You-- You-- You-- You-- You-- -You`ve sh*t a little squirrel there.

-Oof.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Colin, you get all the points for that one.

Because l`m starting to feel sorry for you.

Now, let`s play a game called Fashion Models.

This is for Greg and Denny and Ryan and Colin.

The idea of this game is Greg and Denny are gonna comment on a fashion show.

Ryan and Colin are the models.

However, the fashions that they`re wearing are not what you might expect.

What I need from the audience is a type of profession.

MAN: Soccer player.

[SHOUTlNG ANSWERS]

I just heard a really good one.

Professional wrestling.

And welcome to the professional wrestling fall fashion lineup.

I love wrestling.

It`s the only sport that proves that women aren`t the only ones to fake it.

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERS]

And no one cares if they do.

Autumn is here-- Autumn is here and it is time for tights.

Let`s look at Ryan in this first ensemble.

You know, green, green, green is this year`s orange and this is one who`s gonna frighten the other ones when he enters the ring with these bun-hugging crotch-buffeting, fabulous, absolutely skin-tight lycra shorts.

Absolutely.

If you`re going to be pinning a hunky man to the mat it`s the only thing to wear.

Well, here comes a sassy little number worn by our wrestler, Colin.

[CHEERS AND LAUGHTER]

PROOPS: This is a retro `%0s ensemble.

Harkening back to the days of Gorgeous George.

SlEGEL: Yes, of course.

[SlEGEL CHUCkLES]

SlEGEL: This is his famous dive-- I don`t want to know what that is.

PROOPS: And here comes Ryan to join him -for the climactic finale of our show.

SlEGEL: Oh.

SlEGEL: Look at the lycra ripple.

PROOPS: As they lock heads.

These body-hugging outfits are certainly the kind that will turn a young boy`s fancy to mutilation and choking.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Great.

I don`t know about you guys but I like the idea of Colin and Ryan in tights so 1 000 points to each of them.

Now, let`s go on to a game called World`s Worst.

I want you to step up to this lower step.

And line up in a row.

And this is a real quick game.

Come up with as many examples as possible of the world`s worst person to be president of the United States.

And you-know-who doesn`t count.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[AS RONALD REAGAN]

Hello.

Remember me? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

My multiple personalities erase the need for a two-party system.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Ruh-oh.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

From now on, everyone in North Dakota is named Tim.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[SHOUTlNG lN GERMAN]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[AS MlSTER ROGERS]

Well, it`s a beautiful day in the White House.

[CAREY LAUGHS THEN BUZZER SOUNDS]

Sometimes I see my ex-husband`s face on the button that leads to the b*mb.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

This country doesn`t need a president.

It needs a makeover.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[COUGHS]

Excuse me.

While I drink the water, my vice president will finish my speech.

[MUMBLlNG AS VENTRlLOQUlST]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Meet the new members of the Supreme Court.

This is Tex and Squeaky-- [BUZZER SOUNDS]

Uh-oh.

It`s Columbus Day, and we`re selling off all the states, starting with Alaska! What is your best bid? We`ve gone crazy! [BUZZER SOUNDS TWlCE]

CAREY: Okay, that`s it, everybody.

Thank you very much.

We`re going to take a commercial break.

We`ll come back with more Whose Line Is It Anyway? in a minute.

Don`t go away.

Hey, welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

The show where everything`s made up.

I don`t know about you but l`m buying two of everything that was just advertised.

I don`t care if it was made for a woman or a man or what.

[LAUGHTER]

Now we come to a game called Props.

We`re going to divide the performers and give them props to use in as many ways as they can.

Ryan and Denny, this is your prop.

Why don`t you come and get this? And Greg and Colin, this is your prop.

[COUGHS]

Stop teasing me, Mr.

Carey.

Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that, huh? [CAREY CHUCkLES]

Ryan and Denny, you`re going to start when you`re ready.

[CRlES]

He didn`t even see the car.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

I think he`s happy.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[lN lTALlAN ACCENT]

We`re out of cheese! Get me more cheese! We`re out of cheese! [BUZZER SOUNDS]

Some people are embarrassed by an outie.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Baaah! Well, that`s one angry clam.

[BOTH CHUCkLE]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

You didn`t tell me about the drawbacks to breast-feeding.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[CRYlNG LlkE A BABY]

Is Nanook comfortable in papoose? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

That plane`s going to have trouble landing.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Are these the biggest condoms you have? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

Are these the biggest condoms you have? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

-Why does this always rain over me? -I don`t know.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Yes, Senator Dole, I think this will work out for you.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[SPEAkS lN SPANlSH]

CAREY: Hey, that`s great.

Oh! A thousand points for each of you because I love a big finish.

[CHUCkLES THEN HUMS]

Now we go to a game called Party Quirks.

For all of you.

Greg, you`re going to be hosting a party then Denny, Colin, and Ryan will come in.

On these envelopes, we`ve given them each a strange quirk.

They haven`t seen any of these suggestions and Greg is going to have to try to guess what they are by the end of the party.

So, Greg, whenever you`re ready, start the party, and l`ll bring everybody in.

This is gonna be the best party ever.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

-Hi! Hi, Denny.

-You couldn`t invite me yourself? I had to hear about it third-person from your Uncle Morty? Excuse me.

Well, l`m sorry.

Can I get you-- What is this? Pork rinds? I`m having a heart att*ck.

-No, please.

-Oh, my God.

Can I get you a chair or something? A chair? You couldn`t put me on your lap after all the years that l suckled you at my own breast? [DOORBELL RlNGlNG]

With your little teeth? I am so glad I invited you.

Hang on a second.

-Hi, Col.

-Hi, Greg.

How are you? Good.

How are you? Colin, I like you as a friend.

-ls there something you`d like to tell me? -Yeah.

Colin-- Whoop, whoo! Whoo! -Have you met my Jewish mother? -Oh.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

I got to go.

Colin, l`m going to lock the door and not let anyone else in.

Is that okay? [DOORBELL RlNGS]

-Hi, Ryan.

-Hey, Greg.

How are you? -l`m really well.

-Good! [MAkES BUZZlNG SOUND]

[MAkES SUCklNG SOUND]

[MAkES WHlRRlNG SOUND]

PROOPS: Would you two-- [STlLES EXHALES LOUDLY]

PROOPS: I can put on some music.

[CHUCkLES]

Ryan, have you met my friend? He`s a kleptomaniac.

He`s pilfering.

He wants at something very badly.

He is-- He is the most fun at a party of anyone l`ve ever invited.

He`s trying to steal something.

He wants my pocket.

-What does he like to do? -Well, jeez.

I know what he`s making me want to do.

Uh-- He likes to.

Put his hands.

-ln my pocket.

CAREY: Yeah.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

What? Oh.

Ryan.

PROOPS: Ryan.

Thank goodness that guy`s gone.

Flipper! Flipper! I am so glad I invited you you Everglades disaster you fish out of water.

[NElGHlNG]

-You seahorse.

-Being sucked into a.

Sucked into a ship`s propeller.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[CAREY LAUGHS]

A thousand points to Colin for putting your hand into everybody`s pocket.

I`m wet again.

Heh.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Now let`s go on to our favorite game in the whole wide world Hoedown! This is for everybody with help from Laura Hall.

CAREY: How about a hand for Laura Hall? It`s time for the hoedown.

[SlNGSONG]

Time for the hoedown.

Ta! Ta-ta-ta! I need from the audience something about modern life that annoys you.

[SHOUTlNG ANSWERS]

What was that? IRS.

That`s okay.

The lnternal Revenue Service, who I love.

They might be annoyed at it, but it`s not me.

Let`s hear the lRS hoedown, Greg.

[PLAYS COUNTRY MUSlC]

[AUDlENCE CLAPPlNG TO COUNTRY MUSlC]

Whoo-hoo! [SlNGlNG]

Got to pay your taxes To the government Because you know each dollar Is so very well spent You have got to pay them But here`s a little switch I never pay my taxes Because I am so rich You know I hate the IRS They think that they`re so tough They said when I paid my taxes I didn `t pay enough To check me out, they audited my mother And my sis So I showed up naked at their door And said, "Hey, audit this!" I live in Canada, there is no IRS I still have to pay taxes, But I`m not that distressed I owe 18,000, but please understand I`m not that worried, Because that`s 5 bucks American Singing about the IRS, A bell doesn `t ring You know I`m not very good When I have to sing Singing these hoedowns On Whose Line, you know But I don `t really care Because I`m on another show [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

That was great.

When we come back, we`ll find out the winner.

So don`t go away.

We`ll be back with more Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

Tonight`s winners are Greg and Ryan.

Greg and Ryan are the winners.

Greg, Ryan Stiles.

That means they`re going to play a little game called 90-second alphabet.

In 90 seconds, we have to do a scene everything has to start with the next letter of the alphabet -starting with what letter, audience? WOMAN: B! "B," I heard.

Thank you very much.

That`s easy.

-And, Colin, what`s our scene? -You are three roommates.

Ryan has annoyed Greg and Drew so much they want to throw him out.

Using the timer to make sure we go at 90 seconds.

-Okay, and your time starts now.

-You have annoyed us.

-Boy, oh, boy, are you annoying.

-Creep.

Donny, Jerry, l`ll leave if you want me to.

Every day we go through this.

Fine.

I`ll start packing for you.

Good.

And l`ll pack this bag over here.

Hello! That`s mine.

I told you he`d try to steal my bag.

Just because I set the kitchen on fire is no reason to kick me out.

kitchen? You set the whole house on fire.

Like you forgot.

Many men will come through here but none will ever do for you the things I did.

Name one thing.

Name one thing.

Uh.

Oliver! I took you to see Oliver! Who else ever did that to you? Please! You rented it, and it was broken.

Quit looking at me like that.

Really.

You`re just being childish.

So childish.

Terribly childish.

Unbelievably childish.

-Very well-- -Very well, l`ll go! [CHUCkLES]

Very well, l`ll go.

Well, fine.

Go.

Xaviera Hollander once told me that a man who can`t leave with his head up is not a man at all.

MOCHRlE: Fifteen seconds.

-Yank me.

Yank me.

Zip-a-dee doo-dah.

Aren`t you just Mr.

King? -Aha! -Adios! Adios, bad roommate.

Bye.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[lNAUDlBLE DlALOGUE]

Thanks for watching Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

We`ll see you next time.