03x13 - Global Warning

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Brickleberry". Aired: September 25, 2012 – April 14, 2015.
Series follows a group of park rangers as they work through their daily lives in the fictional Brickleberry National Park.
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03x13 - Global Warning

Post by bunniefuu »

How you like your road eggs? Same way I like my road head: runny and in my mouth.

Uh, how about I just scramble these? What?! Who the hell set the thermostat to 38 degrees?
Woody did.

Woody, that is such a waste of energy! Don't you care about our planet at all? Oh, shut up, Ethel.

Our planet is fine.

It was here 2,015 years before me and it'll be here 2,015 years after me.


Don't you know anything about the history of the Earth? I know plenty.

Here's a free history lesson.

Listen and learn.

Jesus! Came to Earth in a ball of f*re Jesus! He k*lled all the dinosaurs Jesus! Uppercutting T.

Rex Jesus! Karate kick that mother[bleep]

Jesus! sh**ting fireballs and lightning bolts Jesus! Making oil for republicans Jesus And that's pretty much it.

Cue the theme song.

Brickleberry Connie, I know that global warming is to blame for this heat wave.

It's so hot, my camel toe's losing its humps.

I got this CO2 meter to prove my theory.

The levels in the park have never been higher.

I wonder what's causing the spike.

Probably that.

Woody, this freon's kind of making me light

Says it kills brain cells.

No, you're in the clear, Steve.

Woody, what's this? "Low
efficiency AC unit"? It's hot, dummy.

My ball sack's sticking to the inside of my thighs.

When I spread my legs, it looks like the Batman symbol.

Okay, ew! Woody, your environmental irresponsibility is part of the reason it's so hot.

It's global warming.

Global warming? You believe in that fairy
tale bullshit? You also believe in Santa Claus
and the myth of the female orgasm?
It's real.

We have proof.

Yeah, I've got all these Indonesian squirting videos that show Not that, Connie.

Global warming.

Even the polar ice caps are melting.

Oh, no! Ice is melting 5 million miles away! Let me flash my sweaty sack to the sky and call Batman! Look at this.

If the CO2 levels go into the red, it could set off an environmental disaster worse than we've ever seen.

I guess you've never been downwind of Connie
after a Del Taco run.

Environmental disaster my ass.

Cows fart out more greenhouse gases than we produce.

It's natural.

Carbon dioxide is as safe as that barrel of freon.

Woody, for once, try not to be such an ignorant, stubborn dickbag.

We've all got to shrink our carbon footprints.

I got a better idea.

I'm going to expand my carbon footprint.

In fact, this ignorant, stubborn dickbag is gonna have the biggest g*dd*mn carbon footprint in history just to prove you wrong.

I better get inside.

I don't feel so goo Dibs on the back tits.

Happy dappy bird I love dappy bird I have no life, and I'm d*ad on the inside happy dappy bird Hey! Why'd you throw away my phone? Because it's up to us to counterbalance the damage that Woody is doing to this planet.

We've got to go green and cut our carbon footprints to zero.

Can I at least keep my vibrator? It's green.

I'm pretty sure it was white when you bought it.

I feel like we've made some good progress here.

I can feel Mother Earth healing.

Hey, Ethel, how do you like my "global warming's bullshit" parade?
Yay! A parade!
Shut up, Connie.

This whole thing is a "[bleep]

you" to me.

What makes you feel that way?
That sign does.

Every float expands my carbon footprint, including the Woody Johnson musical farting cows.

Now, how can that not put a smile on your face?
I hate cows.

What? How could you hate cows? There's something off about them.

They're always watching us with those d*ad eyes.

It's like they're planning something.

You scared of cows!
I'm not scared of cows.

Well, let's go say hello.

No, no, no! Hey, everybody, Malloy's scared of cows! Okay, maybe a little.

But it's because of my animal instinct.

I have heightened senses.

Trust me, I don't want this gift.

Connie, it's going to be a heavy flow day.

Thanks, Malloy.

Well, I think cows are cool, especially ones that can fart Mozart.

Oh, Ethel, you should see the look on your stupid fa Ahh! C
Cold! Ahh! From now on, no more hot water, Connie! What is that light? A smoke detector.


Are you off your meds? I mean, yeah, [bleep]

you, smoke detector.

We've gotta go somewhere that's 100% green.

Why should we accept you two outsiders into our community? Because living here free of technology is the only way we can stop contributing to global warming.

I'm sorry, but our community doesn't need any more nagging harpies.

Now please leave.


Here's the key to your house, and your ox can stay in the barn.

What? 3 grand? Why the hell is my power bill so high? _ __
It's beautiful, Woody.

Yeah, but trying to make carbon footprint history is making me go broke.

Steve, climb to the top of that transformer and steal me some electricity.

I guess I gotta cut through this wire.

Steve, you idiot, you're gonna get electrocuted! Be safe.

Use the wet, non
grounded metal hedge clippers.

Good thinking! Oh, no! Are you okay Hedge clippers? God damn it, Steve, you melted them! These were my favorite hedge clippers, you dumb son of a ow! Woody, move! The transformer's going to fall and crush you.

I saw it happen.

What the hell are you talking about, Steve? Move! Holy crap, Steve.

You can see the future.

Love them farting cows.

Now, play us out, ladies! And then, Steve saw into the future.

He is awesome.

Aw, seeing into the future is impossible.

So is Steve being awesome.

Hey, lay off my new favorite ranger! Heh, show 'em, Steve.

Do it again.

I'm glad you're impressed, Woody, but I don't know how I did it.

I just got a shock and then
Denzel, you're about to get punched.

See, this is bullshit.

Nobody's about to pu Hey!
That's for ruining 60 years of marriage.

See? I told you.

Steve, I am gonna put your power to good use.

It is amazing.

Not really.

Denzel gets punched by old men ten times a day.

I guess I do Ow!
You son of a bitch.

How am I supposed to follow that black anaconda? It's like I'm [bleep]

a basketball hoop.

What time is it?
4:30 A.


This was your first night, so we let you sleep in.

Morning, Ethel.


You took away my electric razor, remember? That's the saddest beard I've seen since Kelly Preston.

We don't know who that is.

Sister Ethel, you will do the house chores.

Brother Connie, you will work with the rest of the men in the fields.

Whee! Stupid cows.

What was that? Is that you, blue oyster cult?
You're a little p*ssy.

I wasn't scared! Oh, cow, don't s*ab me with that knife that you're somehow holding with no hands
or fingers or opposable thumbs.

Just leave me alone.

Hey, is that Slaughter house 5? Watch this.

I know how to unlock the bolt g*n.

All right, Steve, let's not draw any attention to ourselves.


28 black.

Yes! Mwah! We are just getting started, Steve

But, Woody, I could die from all these shocks.

Let's check.

Do you die from all these shocks?

Then let's clean this bitch out! I never thought I'd say this, but good job, Steve.

Thanks, Woody.

But, uh, what are you gonna do with all of this money? I'm gonna use it to keep a little promise I made to Ethel.

With us today is Woody Johnson, the man with the biggest carbon footprint on Earth.

Neil, your head is even more gigantic in person.

It's very impressive.


Woody, what exactly does your company, Woody Johnson Inc.

, produce? We produce carbon dioxide.

That's it?

We need more heroes like you, Mr.


Wouldn't you agree, Bill Nye?
No, I couldn't disagree more.

That bow tie makes me want to punch the shit out of you.

Neil, global warming is real.

And the CO2 level in Brickleberry industrial park
is the highest on record.

A scientist is basically a gay wizard.

Scientifically speaking, it's almost in the dangerous red zone.

What happens if it goes into the red? We don't really know, but it won't be good.

Knowingly increasing your carbon footprint like Mr.

Johnson is doing is absolutely despicable.

I'm Bill Nye.

This dick tastes so good.

Nummy, nummy.


This was the worst day of my life! This was the best day of my life!
How was your day, sister Ethel?
Greatest day ever.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

I think we should live here forever.

I really feel at home among the Aim

First of all, it's Amish! Second, your face looks like a fat turd rolled in orangutan hair.

But at prayer service, you said I looked like Abe Lincoln r*ped carrot top.

I need some alone time! I guess I'll go read the bible by candlelight.


Ethel, I'm sorry I mispronounced Am

I, uh, hey!
Connie! Is that Happy dappy bird? How could you do this after you made me throw away
all my stuff?
Living like this was just too hard.

You're a hypocrite, and you broke the rules of our Aa
mish people.

I'm sorry, Connie.

Sorry?! Do you know how much it sucks using a hand
cranked vibrator? Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go pick the splinters out of my cooch.

I've been pissing toothpicks since Tuesday! Every 3 feet.

You know what that means?
That cows shit a lot?
It's a sign! The cows are trying to communicate something.

What are you, some kind of conspiracy nut? These cows are probably just trying to say "free psychedelic mushrooms.

" You haven't been eating those, have you? Now what makes you say that? Okay, Steve, I need some more important information about the future.

Will I like that new Adam Sandler movie? You say it's about as funny as Schindler's List.

Wow! That funny?! One more, Steve.

Will this chalupa give me the shits? This environmental disaster that could mean the end for mankind is being blamed on one man: Woody Johnson.

Oh, Jim, don't stop.

I can't stop.

I'm stuck.

Oh, you're alive.

I'll just save this for later then.

Woody, Ethel was right about everything.

You've got to shut this place down.

God, don't tell me you're going to start with this global warming horseshit.

Woody, we both know that I can see the future, right?

So when a person that can see the future tells you that global warming is real, don't you think you should believe him? I only believe hard facts, like pregnant virgins,
talking snakes, and magical Jews.

It's simple.

Shut this place down, or everyone will die! If you want Woody Incorporated shut down, you'll have to k*ll me first.

Now, future boy, tell me if you saw this coming.

What's up, Woody?
Steve, real quick before you go splat,
will the chalupa give me the shits?
Yes, it will.

Ah, [bleep]


I'm eating it anyway.

Oh, that was quick.

Denzel, we have to k*ll Woody.


Don't you want to know why?

But I'm no match for Woody.

Steve, you have the ability to see into the future.

You're like a superhero!
That's only when I'm being shocked.

Yeah, well, I guess it's one in the pee
hole and two in the b

Let's get to it.

With electricity.

Oh, then we need to come up with some new technology, so you can control your superpower.

A shock collar? Aren't these for dogs? Yeah, just bark to activate it.

I thought you said this would be cool, like Iron Man.

One, Tony Stark is a billionaire.

And two, I'm still high as [bleep]

on mushrooms! Okay, Ethel, you can do this.

Screw it! See? I told you she was breaking the rules.

What are we gonna do to her, brothers? Give her extra laundry duty? Let this be a lesson to all of you.

Technology is evil.

And those of you who use it must die.

Uh, don't you guys think this is a little harsh? No.

And there's only one thing worse than technology:

God damn it.

You here to k*ll me, future boy? Woody, I'm gonna give you one more chance to shut this plant down.


Let me just grab my shut
down button.

Looking for this? Give it up.

With this collar, all I have to do is bark, and I'll know everything you're
gonna do before you do it.


Really? Well, what happens next? Do I b*at the shit out of you?

I do now.

Ahh! Oh, look, over there! Viggo Mortensen is behind you sucking himself off.

I know you're lying.

I have to look.


I knew you'd hide here.

Quick, take me to the airport!
So you can fly to Australia and change your name to Rick Swordfire? Oh, god damn it!
My powers are too much for you, Woody.

Yeah, but you're still stupid.

At this rate, we'll starve to death before we burn to death.

Well, it's been five hours, but I think I've got it just about start Sorry.

Front fart.

Aww! Calm down, people.

Stake burnings always take a while.

Unless you all know a better way.

I've got a lighter!
God damn it.

Connie, I've got an idea.

Reach in my pocket and grab my whoa! Phone! Grab my phone, you idiot.

Oh, I thought you wanted to go out with a bang.

A finger ba
Yeah, I got it.

Happy dappy bird? This is evil technology.

It's a Oh! Oh, no, watch out for that pipe, dappy bird.

Me next!
Me too! Wait.

What are we doing? God damn it.

Who the hell's gonna light all these? What the hell is all this? I've had a breakthrough, Denzel.

What do cows eat?

Grassy knoll? Cows k*lled JFK.

Why the hell would a cow want to k*ll the president? Can't you see that it's all coming to a head? They are getting ready for something.

Look at these satellite photos from all over the world.

Cows are grouping together, organizing,
forming into some kind of
Herd? I was gonna say clan, but I'm in mixed company.

All right, I've had enough of this nonsense.

There's only one way to b*at an irrational fear: Face it.

I'm gonna prove to you that cows are kind, peaceful animals.

How? Hey! No! Off! Ugh! Gross.

See? She likes you.

Oh, shit! You forced me to do this, Woody.

Don't do it, Steve.

Woody, where did you hide my Christmas presents? They're in the closet, top shelf!
f*re away, Steve.

Yeah, Steve.

This thing you told me to watch but I forgot to watch is almost in the red.

Oh, shit.

You see? Nothing happened.

Hands up, humans.

What did I tell you? You see, thousands of years ago, we sent a small group of our kind to this planet.

Their mission was to rectally release greenhouse gases and raise them to a level that our kind can thrive in.

Okay, is anyone else seeing this shit? We estimated that it would take another 71 million years, but thanks to this idiot, we'll be taking over today.

But we can live together in peace and harmony, right? Sure.

That's the plan.


Moo moo moo moo moo.

They've been eating you? Moo.

Moo moo.

Moo moo moo moo moo.

Yanking on your teats? Moo.

Moo moo moo moo moo.


But you're cool with India? Got it.

Well, so much for peace and harmony.

Woody! Thank god we're home.

We'll be safe here.

Yeah, we got those mother[bleep]

s, didn't we?! Denzel! Nooo! Thank god.

It was all a dream.

I must've went into a coma when I got electrocuted on that transformer.

Oh, you're awake.

Just in time to go into human sl*very.

We'll take it from here, Dr.



No, no, nooo! This is awesome!
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