04x20 - Of Lice & Men

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "The Cleveland Show". Aired: September 27, 2009 – May 19, 2013.*
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The adventures of the Family Guy neighbor and former deli owner, Cleveland Brown.
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04x20 - Of Lice & Men

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪

♪ And I am proud to be ♪

♪ Right back in my hometown ♪

♪ With my new family ♪

♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪

♪ And even a bear ♪

♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪

♪ It's true love we share ♪

♪ And so I found a place ♪

♪ Where everyone will know ♪

♪ My happy mustached face ♪

♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪

♪ The Cleveland Show 4x20 ♪


What's good with ya, T. Rex?

Say hey, Two Dads Dave.

See you at recess,
Dump Truck Face.

So, Rallo,
today's the day

you finally drop a nickname
on the new kid, Dudley, right?

Yeah, you going physical
attribute or straight-up racial?

I haven't decided.

Might go both, like I did
with Rice Pee-Pee.

Everybody, quiet!

Rallo's gonna
baptize Dudley!

'Sup, Boog-kake?

Class, it's very important
that you show

these letters to your parents
when you get home.

This is for parents' eyes only.

Guardians don't count.

But my grandmother...

Is not your dead mother.

There's a lice outbreak
at Rallo's school.

Jump up from the couch!

Relax, Cleveland.

Black people hardly
ever get lice.

He's got 'em.

What's lice?

Don't worry. It's just like
you've got head roaches.

Well, I'll be at Mother's.

I can't risk losing this fella.

We've been through
too many milkshakes together.

Late!

Am I gonna die, Mama?

Not from lice.

I love hugging you, Mommy.

You're safe now.

I'm not surprised
Rallo got those lices.

Donna does not keep
a very clean home.

It's true.

I have to shower
with flip-flops.

Grody.

Cleveland, it's time for me
to pooch punt you off my porch.

I'm locking up
the house.

Your mother and I
are off to Legoland.

There's an Empire State Building
as tall as your father!

We'll see about that.

Wait a minute, Dad!

I can house-sit for you!

Uh, no.

Lavar, I didn't carry
that boy for six months

to not see him grow up.

All right, Cleveland, fine.

You can house-sit.

But same rules
as when you were a kid:

no friends in the house,
and most importantly,

don't even think of touching
my RCee Colas.

Mmm. Good old-fashioned
poor people's soda.

I won't let
you down, Dad!

Shh.

Shh.

You already have.

You messed with
the wrong scalp, lice!

Now you better make peace
with your insect God,

'cause you 'bout to die!

And that's...

one!

Rallo, wake up.

I have to tell you
something.

It's not easy
for me to say,

and it's not gonna be easy
for you to hear...

Roberta's
really my mom?

Don't ever say that again.

Baby, we're gonna have
to shave your head.

Roberta, we got a runner!

Wait a minute.

Dad said I shouldn't eat
in the study.

Hmm.

But I've been doing
such a good job,

I deserve a snack as a award.

Reward?

Award.

Wassup, dude?

Lester? What are you doing here?

Just begging door-to-door.

What are you doing here?

This is my parents' house.

I'm house-sitting.

Well, can I come in?

No. My parents said no friends.

Okay, then can I have a dollar?

Just come in.

I'll get you a
glass of tap water,

and then you're
on your way.

God bless you.

What are you guys doing here?

Lester just texted us
you were giving out free waters.

Lester, I told you

my dad said no
friends in the house.

I'd let it slide, but...

the neighbors are
such snitches.

Oh, hey, Mrs. Hickerson!

Those better not be friends,
Cleveland!

Of course not!

They're lowly
gardeners.

Come around back,
you dirtbags.

J.K.

Damn wig is itchier
than the lice.

I don't know how Nathan Fillion
probably does it.

You wearing a wig?
What?

Your hair smells like
street ball and weed.

It's Herbal Essence.

Covered with a joke.

So, how 'bout girls?

Rallo has a...

peanut head!

Your nickname is...

Mr. Peanut!

Mr. Peanut!

I can't ever go back
to school, Mama.

Those kids
are emotional t*rrorists.

They called me Mr. Peanut!

All the Tubbs
got the peanut head.

Calm down, honey.

Like I was just yelling
Gwyneth Paltrow on TV,

you're not the center
of the universe.

Now go on; I got
my own problems.

Nice hat, Rallo.

Mighty kind of you, ma'am.

Yeah, that is
a nice hat.

So nice that
I want it!

Peanuts!

Mr. Peanut's here!

Aw, I'm just
messing around.

I'll give you a hat.

Thanks, man. Sharp.

And try this.
It'll look cool.

Oh, well, okay.

Nothing wrong with
classing things up.

Here, catch!
Huh.

This will help with walking
or the occasional tap dance.

Hey, everybody,
it's Mr. Peanut!

Can we go
in the tree house?

Nah. It's just
for Dad and his buddies.

I heard there's
a treasure map in there.

I've got something
even better.

What's that?
Nothing.

Just a cigarillo I stole
from my father 25 years ago.

Dads suck.

"Pass the Dutchie." '80s.

"Didn't inhale." '90s.

Nobody cares what I say.
Least of all, my dad.

My dad made me get out
of the river to poop.

I was gonna be
the only hetra-male

at the American Bal-let School
for Dancing Pansies,

but Pappy said no.

And I was good.

Billy Elliot good.

We should come up
with a name for ourselves.

How about Lester's Crew?

Love it! Sold! Moving on!

I have become a shell
of my former self.

A peanut shell.

That'd be good if it was
for someone else.

♪ Up in the air,
Junior Birdman ♪

♪ Haven't a care,
Junior Birdman ♪

♪ A tree is his lair,
Junior Birdman ♪

Oh. Hey-ya, Rallo.

What song are
you singing?

Just one I made up.

It's called "The Ballad
of the Terrible Triumph

of Thomas J. Cutekitten."

Parentheses, "Junior Birdman."

How do you do it, Junior?

Well, the hardest part
is getting

these sausage fingers of mine
to bend into birdman goggles.

No, man. I'm talking about
doesn't it bother you

that you get teased
all the time?

I just don't pay
much attention,

because I can always
get lost in my imagination.

Come, let me show you my world.

First, you need
to get a best buddy,

like Larry the Leopard here.

Uh, I don't really play
with dolls, man.

To the naked eye, they
may seem like dolls,

but they're an eclectic
crew of personalities.

Like you'd find on an NBC
sitcom no one would watch.

This is Roy.
He's a zebra.

He's five years
old-- like you--

and he has
anxiety-induced eczema.

He turns black and
white and red all over.

Black and
white and red all...

That's Larry's.

I can't take
credit for that.

Yee-haw!

Hey, Rallo, feel that wind
on your face as we ride?

No, Junior, I feel
boring on my face.

Come on, Rallo.
Use your imagination.

Look! A battle cruiser
is approaching!

Oh, okay,
what do I do?

Hyah! Go, Roy!
Nerd it up!

I don't know, man.
I still don't see it.

Do not see.

Simply be.

The intergalactic battle
enters its fourth millennium.

What the frak?!

Whoa! They bangin'
up here in space!

We're screwed!

We don't have
any weapons!

We are weapons.

Leeroy Jenkins!

Yee-hoo!

We did it!

We won space!

Yay!

That was the most
funnest thing ever!

Thanks, Junior.

You really
made my week.

I almost forgot
I'm a bald weirdo.

Like Nathan Fillion,
probably.

Man, if my right arm
wasn't so short,

I could've played
for the Yankees.

Nobody in this
town gets us.

I wish I had a boat.

I am not a ninny.

You're a ninny, Father.

Hi-yah!

And...

Lester, what the hell?!

That's my dad's RCee Cola!

His most favorite thing
in the world!

Relax, Cleveland,
don't spaz out.

We'll just get some more
at the store.

Good thinking.

That's why were
Lester's g*ng.

Uh, I thought we
were Lester's Crew.

Why would you say that?

You knew what I meant.

We were best friends,
but now I hate you forever.

Hi, June.

Looking right at your eyes.

Where do you keep the RCee Cola?

RCee Cola?

Oh, sweetie, we haven't carried

RCee Cola since forever.

No place in Stoolbend has.

In fact, I don't think
you can get it

anywhere in Virginia.

None in Virginia?!

But if I don
replace those RCees,

my father will k*ll me--

I looked at your breasts,
I'm sorry.

If you really need them,

there's a place in Kentucky
that might have...

Where?! Tell me!

For God's sakes, tell me!

You don't have to shake me;
I'll tell you.

That's not why
I'm shaking you--

thank you, sorry!

The store's in
Horsepile, Kentucky,

about ten hours
from here.

Look out, Horsepile,
because here comes

Lester's Boys!

Crew.

I hate you.

I love you.

Ah, come on.

That was so cool when
we outran Emperor Blog

and he was like,

"Puny humans, come back
with my Blakelivelium!"

Yeah, and when you destroyed

his Bio-Organic Interceptor,
he was like,

"I will feast
on your still-b*ating heart."

Man, I got to work
on my voices.

You know, Junior,
I'm actually gonna miss this

when my hair grows back.

Me, too.

Stay bald, my brother.

Stay bald.

Congratulations!

That's five in a row
you've won!

Want to play again?

Eh, nah, I'm kind of
bored with this game.

What's the matter,
don't you like

playing Elves, Goblins
and Orcs Who Choke You?

This is what's the matter.

You think my hair
will ever grow back?

It will grow back.

In your imagination.

Come on!

Nah, you imagine without me.

I'm not feeling it.

Oh, I almost forgot.

When you win five games,

I take you out
for ice cream.

Really? Well, I guess
even a bald man

can enjoy ice cream.

Let me call Nathan
Fillion and ask him.

♪ It was always burning
since the world's been turning ♪

♪ We didn't start the fire ♪

♪ It was always burning ♪

♪ Since the world's
been turning ♪

♪ Rock and roller cola wars ♪

♪ I can't take it anymore... ♪

Enough!

It's just noise!

And, Holt,
stop kicking my chair.

Driving's a big responsibility.

Why is everyone
so amped up?

Maybe because
we've been drinking...

this.

What?!

You guys, those are my dad'ses!

If he finds out about this,
he's gonna be so mad,

he's gonna hit me
with the black side of his hand!

Everyone just be quiet
until we get there.

♪ Steven Spielberg, Papa John ♪

♪ Ochocinco, Chad Johnson ♪

♪ Cincinnati, Baltimore,
Casey Anthony, Lululemon ♪

♪ We didn't start the fire. ♪

So, guess what?

Dan Peck, The Wizard Chef,

is opening his
new restaurant this weekend.

I got us the last
reservation they had.

Okay. They cook everything
in some copper pot or something?

A cauldron, yes!

And it's all
stringy rabbit meat.

Hey, Rallo, what's up?

For my birthday party
this weekend,

we're going go-karting.

Really? Ah, I've always
wanted to go go-karting.

Not me.

Way too fat.

You should come, Rallo.

Except you can't ride
in the car with us

because my mom's
allergic to peanuts.

Damn, damn, damn!

I'm never gonna
find the RCees,

and Dad'll hate
me forever.

I might as well k*ll
myself and all my friends

by driving into
this roadside store!

The store.

We're here! Totes perf!

The RCees--
where are they?

Well, we're not buying these.

The lids are filthy.

Cleveland!
Okay, okay.

We can wash them later.

Doctor.

No. I can't.

Cut his throat!

No! He still has
a chance in the real world.

So do you.

Really?

What do you want me to say, man?

Junior!

It's a miracle!

My hair's growing in!

Oh, feel my fuzz.

I got stubble!

I don't look like
a peanut anymore.

Congratulations.

No more peanut.

Now maybe I can go-kart
with the guys on Saturday.

But that's the day
we were gonna go

to the wizard restaurant,
isn't it?

That's okay.

There'll be other
17th century medieval-themed

rabbit meat restaurants
where you can eat with horses

opening in Stoolbend.

You sure?

Thanks, Junior.

Where the hell
is my Schick Hydro at?!

I'm getting cactus legs
up in here!

Hurry up, they'll be here
any minute.

Last one.

Tubby, we're home.

Friends over?

I knew I couldn't
trust you.

Say, what you hiding

behind your back?
Nothing.

Cleveland, don't lie
to your father.

An RCee Cola?!

Your papa's pop?!

I told you
never to touch those!

Now you gonna get it!

Just wait one second.

Before you b*at me
and make me cry

in front of my besties,
I got something to tell you,

and you're gonna listen,
old man.

You're a bad father!

What the hell
you doing, boy?

What I should've done
a long time ago.

Cleveland, no!

Ah!

Wow, that's good!

Oh!

I think I love this soda
more than my own son!

This is what I think
of your rules.

Thank you.

We've got each other's
back door.

So, you're all willing
to take the blame for this?

Good, 'cause I got
a little surprise for y'all.

General Richter!
Papa Bear!

Sir!
My brother-pa!

How did you know
they were in on it?

Mrs. Hickerson ratted you out.

Mrs. Hickerson.

Get laid, you hag.

Now, fellas, let's do this.

Here.

You finally stood up to me.

It's time for me to pass it on.

Now you take it and
b*at your own son.

Oh, my God.

I-I don't know what to say.

Come here, boy.

Wham! Wham! Wham!

Nah, they'd lock me up.

Here, son.

This is for you.

Your Rolex
with the jubilee bracelet

that a faceless client
gave you?

I know, it's
ostentatious.

And now it's yours.

Your bow tie?

Does this mean
you'll stop banging Arianna?

No.

Your favorite lint.

To finish this bonding,
what say we all go have an RCee

up in the tree fort?

Wait, Rallo!

Don't forget your helmet.

What?

Oh, right.

Safety first.

Thanks, Junior.

I almost forgot.

Would you mind
looking after Roy for me?

You got his
eczema cream?

Right here.

Thanks.

Okay, bye, Junior.

Good-bye, Rallo.

Your 'fro's looking
good, Rallo.

Rockin' the Barack.

Thanks, Dudley.

You called me Dudley.

Yeah. I'm using my imagination

not to see boogers
all over your face.

What's that, Roy?

General Hakimi has kidnapped
the princess

of the People's Republic
of Galaxy?

Time to go kick some space ass.

Hi-yah!

Go get 'em, you lunatic.
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