01x03 - The Princess of Darkness

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

[man]

Hey!

[dog howling]

[herald]

Four o'clock and all is well!

Actually, "well" is a bit of an overstatement.

"Acceptable" is more like it, if you consider death, disease and rampant poverty acceptable.

Shut up!

Do you know what time it is?

4:01 and all is well!

- Actually, "well" is an overstatement.

- [woman]

Shut up!

[jaunty tavern music]

- [all laughing]

- Ah, wow.

What a naughty night we had.

I drank so much, I can't even remember if I drank anything.

I might not have.

You know it's a great night when we're still up to see the plague patrol.

Mornin', Princess.

I just got winked at by a corpse shoveler.

I don't want this night to ever end.

Well, then, madame, I have just the thing.



- [horse snorts]



- May I interest you in a joyride?

Joyride?

Is that like a jolly trolley or a fun run or a tingle mingle?

Oh, he means that we steal it and that it's a bad idea.

If my dad found out, he'd k*ll me.

Ooh, boo

-hoo.

Baby doesn't wanna get k*lled by her daddy.

I'm a chicken.

[imitates chicken clucking]

Hop on, boys.

Unless you're chickens.

[demon]

Ha!

[demon vocalizes and grunts]

Hey, that's Lady Lingonberry's carriage!

I was stealing it!

Not on my watch.

[music]

I'm actually a more way careful driver when I'm drunk.

I assume that, just 'cause I've never I've never driven before.

[chuckles]

I'm having so much joy right now.

Get ready.

Next week, we're gonna try arson.

[mimics radio static]

We got a 619 in progress.

Suspects headed west on the royal highway.

Requesting backup.

[mimics radio static]

[mimics radio static]

Roger that.

Git.

Go on!

[donkeys braying]

Oh, foo.

We're gonna to get arrested.

You know they prey on the weak in prison?



- At least, I intend to.



- [woman gasps]

[woman]

Whoo!

Ahh!

Please do not feed my vehicle!

[horse neighs]

[donkeys braying]

Hang on.

I've got a bad idea.

[elf]

What's bad about it?

Oh, never mind, I see.

[all grunt]



- [grunts]

I just love driving.



- [all cheer]



- I'm drowning!



- I'm Elfo!

[Bean]

If anyone asks, just be honest and say she was alive when we ran away.

Some might say her cries for help were a cry for help, but I think she was just being an attention hog.

Oh, no.

We're locked out!

Okay remember, the trick to not getting swept over the waterfall is swimming upstream.

Got it.

Now, what's "swimming"?

Okay, Elfo.

You can do anything if you believe in yourself.

[screaming]

[splash]

It was so nice of that swarm of crabs to drag me ashore.

Anyone want this meat?

I only eat it for the shells.

The perfect end to a night of grand theft carriage.

Whoa.

That looks damn delicious.

What the hell is it?

It's a super

-rare fruit the knights brought back from their crusades.

A lot of people d*ed for it.

It's like my dad's prized possession.

Sometimes he just stares at it longingly while he drinks vodka sodas.



- [slurps]



- It's a lemon, guys.

It's what we feed children in Hell.

Come on, I dare you to try it.

Have they no respect for the Lemon Crusades?

Civilizations were decimated.

History rewritten.

Maps redrawn.

To be fair, sire, you were never going to eat it.

Yeah, I heard it was sour.

I don't care for sour stuff.

I care about Bean.

She's out of control and I've tried everything.

Yelling, screaming, everything.

Ah, to think all the classy old bats in this family led right to Bean.

Carousing, taking her clothes off every chance she gets.

Doing God knows what with that elf.

[groans]

Bean hasn't been the same since she lost her mom.

Ah, Dagmar, you were my perfect queen.

Regal.

Kind.

Talk all good and stuff.

Not like Reptilicus.

Huh.

He thinks I am reptile?

[sighs]

I need some snakeroot to soothe my nerves.

[yelling]

[groans]

You use your curtains to escape one time and your dad's all like, "No more curtains.

" You know, if you don't sleep for 72 hours, you become clinically insane.



- So wakey

-wakey, nutbag.



- [grunts]

Fine, but I'll need a little something to put the edge on.

[queen continues yelling]

I need "Oona's Little Helper.

" Oh, does she have a friend like me?

No, she has no friends.

She has nothing in her life except a drug that makes her happy.

Now, let's go steal it.

Stealing from my stepmother's purse.

Is that who I really am?

It's exactly who you are.

You're the type to steal enough for your friends.

I'm kinda scared to try this.

Will you guys peer pressure me?

Sure thing, buddy.

Seems our little emissary Luci is successfully corrupting Tiabeanie's mind and soul.

Oh, is this the one where the cat and the elf are friends?

Jerry, leave the highballs and, I don't know, feed the peacocks.

But they don't like me.

I don't know.

I'm not really feeling anything.



- Me, either.



- Me, either.

Me, either.

[echoing]

Meither.

Meither.

Meither.

Meither.

Meither.

[chuckles]

Meither.

What's happening?

Wow!

My God, you guys.

We should start a band.

[rhythmic clapping]

Yes!

We sound amazing.

We'll fix up an old carriage and tour the country, playing what we want to play, never selling out, never splitting up.



- Elfo, you're out of the band!



- What the hell?

We're a duo now.

The fans didn't even notice.

Luci, you fell off a balcony.

Were you pushed?

We'll never find out.

Dreams come true, 'cause I am a solo act now.

The fans love my voice.

I have dreadlocks.

But then I shave my head like a true artist.

Why is the crowd booing?

Oh, no.

I'm the talentless one!

Elfo, you came back.

Luci, thought I pushed you We're together again.

Let's get out there.

We're back on top.

Nothing can stop us now.

Oh, no.

I have cancer.

What?

I dedicate this next song to the memory of Bean.

[rhythmic clapping]

[all cheering]

[grunts]

[clucks]

[all cheering]

Wow.

That is the most fun I've ever had without remembering a single moment of it.

[man]

Ma'am, you're coming with us.

You'll have to take me, too, 'cause I live here now.

[Bean grunts]

We've heard about you.

Word 'round the gutter is you're a right proper villain.

'Course, I'm not threatened by that.

Women gotta support women.

Crime is male

-dominated, innit?

If this world were run by women, there wouldn't be so much crime.

So our crime, yeah, is one for the ages.

A real legendary caper.

We could use your help.

Well, I'll have to confer with my associates first.

[whispering]

Guys, think we should do this?

I've never done anything bad before.

I've never done anything good before.

I want to be bad.

I always admired Bad Elfo.

Bad Elfo doesn't really exist.

I would rather hang out with Bad Elfo.

Okay, I'm gonna tell them yes.

That was a yes, right?

Yes.

[stammers]

I only got in trouble once, and, uh, Daddy Elfo, um, slapped me on the bum

-bum.

[in normal voice]

Uh, yeah, we're open to it.

So, uh, what exactly are we heisting?

Potatoes.

Whoa.

Hardcore.

Hardcore is right.

I been a potato thief ever since me dad never came back from the Lemon Crusades.

So, actual potatoes.

Like from a garden.

Yeah, that's where they hide 'em.

Have you considered stealing things of value?

'Cause Bean here knows where real treasures are buried.

I know exactly what he's talking about.

So what exactly are you talking about?

Trust me.

I haven't led you astray in minutes.

[all grunt]

[straining]

Okay, I guess I'm gonna do this, unless someone talks me out of it.

Hoodlums?

Bad friend?

Ignorant elf?

There's a lot of sexual tension between us.

All right.

Wish me luck.



- [screams and grunts]



- [objects clatter]

[Luci]

Good luck.

The family crypt.

So this is where I'll end up one day.

Buried.

Forgotten.

Worm food.

Oh, this is a bad time to be coming down off of that high.

Oh, my sweet Bee

-Baw.

Remember when you used to sit me on your lap and tell me stories?

Well, I'm in a g*ng now, and I gotta take your crown.

And your necklace.

And didn't you have [squeaking]

[snaps]

Sometimes when you pull off your grandma's jaw, it really makes you stop and wonder.

Am I doing the right Come on!

This is a burglary, not a family reunion.

Okay, that's everything!

Whoa.

Think of how many potatoes we could get with this.

If I spend any more time with my family they'll start asking why I'm not married.

So you wanna drop me that rope?

[grunts and sighs]

Just so you know, I would've done the same thing if you were a man.

Now!



- [Elfo and Luci grunt]



- [thud]

[all laugh]

[Luci]

So, when are you getting married?

[bell tolling]

Hear ye, hear ye.

Royal court is now in session.

Ah.

Let's have a look at this no

-good pile of scum.

Starting at the feet.

Mud

-covered crime boots.

Legs muscled by years on the run.

Obviously stolen belt.

Nondescript torso.

Moving up to the face area.

Uh, weak chin, buck teeth, and Whoa!

Hi, Dad.

What the You tryin' to tell me my little girl is this guy?

There is no way you're gonna convince me my daughter is a criminal.

Presenting victims one through nine.

God damn it!

[indistinct murmurs]

[clucking]

Look, I know I went a tad wild, but what do you expect from someone who's got no control over her own destiny?

So I turned to booze, dr*gs and my evil little friend.

[speaking through teeth]

Oh, my God, shut up.

Your weird cat?

I'll pulverize him.

I'll pet him in the wrong direction.

I'll put a cucumber beside him.

That drives them crazy.

No, no, no, not him.

I meant She meant me.

I'm so bad.

Oh, I'm bad.

No, you're not.

You're a marshmallow with legs.



- [babbling]



- [chuckling]

[laughing]

Stop!

[sighs]

Well, I got into some shenanigans in my day, but my mom never lost her head.

We recovered this.

Oh, that's Mom's head.

[gasps]

Mom's head?

Your daughter was caught ransacking the royal tomb.

You stole stuff from our dead family?

Oh, I don't even know what to yell at you.

You take it.

Why you I oughta If I weren't so fat, I'd Shut up!

She gets the point.

Bean, go to your room while we decide what to do with you.

And take Elfo, so I know you're not having any fun.

This has got to stop.

[chuckles]

Oh, come on, you know you enjoyed it.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

But it's gotta stop.

What?

Nuh

-uh.

I'm your demon, baby.

We're magically linked, like lollipops and rug fuzz.

[slurping]

It's fine.

Listen, just stay away from me for a while, okay?

Go ruin someone else's life.

Huh.

Okay.

[sniffles]

Maybe I will.



- [Elfo]

Ow!



- [chuckles]

Now I feel better.

What the hell's wrong with my daughter?

She's like a one

-man wrecking woman.

According to the holy books, your first mistake was educating her.

The sheer defiance of reason and decorum leads me to believe that Tiabeanie is what they now call a teenager.

That don't exactly explain why she desecrated sacred remains.

Don't worry, Ma.

I won't let her get away with it.

Oh, we can spout crazy theories all day, but science suggests a more logical explanation: That Bean is possessed by a demon!

Oh, no, they're on to us.

They'll know exactly what we're up to.

You don't even know what we're up to.

Oh, every day you say you'll tell me and you never do.

[Bean]

Where are you taking me?

A real nice place with ponies, or whatever crap you like.

Oh, come in.

Come in.

Make yourself comfortable on the dissection table.

What are you talking about?

And why are you here?

Having a cookie, making blood.

You'll be fine, sweetie.

Strap her down.

Now, don't worry.

The straps are just for my safety as I flush out your demon.

[gasps]

Wait, you know about the demon?

Of course!

With my scientific training, it was rather obvious.

[Luci]

Meow, guys.

What up?

Ah, your talking cat's here to keep you company.

Now, let's find that demon.

[coughs]

That's it, dear.

Cough out your demon.

Cough it out like a demonic loogie.

[coughing]

This powerful lodestone will extract the demon using magnetraction.

Ooh.

Ah.

Ow!

Hey.

Look at us hanging out on the floor together.

No demon could survive this preposterous degree of jiggling.

This is not good for my hangover.

Oh, yeah, that's it!

Crank harder.

You've got him on the run now.

Whoo!

Work those scrawny nerd arms.

Jiggle that demon back to Hell.

Nice.

[grunts]

Alas, the demon remains, even after the application of all three sciences.

All three?

Even smoke?

Indeed.

We scholars like to think science has all the answers, but in the end, it's just a bunch of unprovable nonsense.

So now what?

I suggest something based more in reality.

Religious magic.

An exorcism, huh?

[groans]

I don't like the sound of that.

Let's do it, but don't say it out loud again.

Shut up, you.

As it happens, sire, I am acquainted with the world's foremost exorcist.

Big Jo.

His people are the sworn enemies of demons.

But I must warn you.

He creeps even me out.

Ah, no one's too creepy for my daughter.

[thunder cracking]

[horse neighs]

[thunder continues cracking]



- [all scream]



- Oh, my!

I get that a lot.

Okay, Big Jo, she's asleep in the bed chamber.

I'm already in here.

[all scream]

I sense an evil presence.

[whimpers]

Oh, no.

It's that accursed weirdo.

We must act before our plan is discovered.

Conceal thyself, demon.

[electricity crackling]

Fear not, Princess.

I will soon have the demon out of your body.

[Luci]

Uh, nobody in this body but us princesses, man.

Oh, wait, uh, just one princess.

Me, Princess Tia Oh, God, what's my full name?

Damn it.

I shall soon cast thee out, demon, with these sacred tools.

[Luci]

You're a sacred tool.

Jokes are a sign of fear.

A fear that is well justified.

[Luci]

Hold on, there's something I've always wanted to try.

So cool!

I didn't even know that the human body could do this.

[Bean]

It can't.

Out!

Get out!

Be gone, damn you!

Ooh!

Sounds like some quality exorcism.

I was talking to you!

Nobody talks to me like that, except my daughter and my wife.

And now you.

[chanting in Latin]

[Luci]

Oh!

No!

It burns!

It burns!

It burns with boredom!

[laughs]

Come on.

Liven it up a little.

Leave this body!

Allow this girl to resume her humble life of obedience and sobriety and chastity.

[Luci snickers]

You've never met Bean, have you?

O Lord, our only God, brother of the other God, grant me the power to expel this vile spirit.

[Luci]

Fire doesn't hurt demons.

You're only hurting Bean.

Exactly.

Once the flesh is b*rned away, the demon is revealed.

Flesh burn, demon return.

[Luci]

Dude, she needs her flesh.

Great, you're gonna make me be the good guy?

Ugh, I hate that.

[Luci yelling]

[retches]

[Luci grunting]

[panting]

I saved your life.

Now, I can go back to ruining it.



- [Luci grunts]



- Gotcha.

Ah!

You can't do this, man.

I want my lawyer.

Uh, I'm in here.

Don't say anything.

[groans]

What what happened?

You have been exorcised.

Don't forget to take it easy today and drink plenty of water.

So is Luci really gone?

Well, it depends what you mean by "gone.

" If you mean "carted away, never to return," then, yes.

Well, maybe it was for the best.

Life with him was fun, but I probably would have been dead in a few weeks.

I will miss how he always pointed out my foibles and mocked me ruthlessly.

But we'll be okay.

You'll be amazed how much fun I am on my own.



- [chuckles]

That's not a daisy.



- What?

[chuckles]

You put a dandelion in the daisy basket.

So?

So, we're making a daisy chain, not a dandelion chain.

Why even bother to call it a daisy chain if you're just gonna [crying]

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry.

I lied.

I'm not really fun.

The pressure, it just got to me.

[gasps]

And then the pressure to sustain the lie?

Oh, God, it was a nightmare.

We have to find Luci.

Dad.

Oh, sweetie, I can see the sparkle in your eyes is gone.

It's such a relief.

So where does that exorcist keep the demons after he removes them?

Keep them?

Oh, he doesn't keep them.

He disposes of them with extreme prejudice.

[Elfo]

We can't let him destroy Luci.

[sighs]

So typical of my family to get rid of my friends like this.

I'm sure one day you'll wake up with them trying to smother you.

[Elfo]

What?

Never mind.

Uh, grab a horse.

Let's go!

[horse neighs]

So there I am, possessing the Duchess and she has the nerve to drop dead.

And I'm like, "Now where am I gonna live?

" Rude.

Ugh.

Well, if it isn't Stacianne LeBlott.

It's LeBlatt.

Yeah, it's French.

Like I said on our first date, nothing could be worse than this.

[gasps]

Watch out.

The road is blocked.

Stop!



- I can't.

I only know how to crash.



- [both scream]

[horses neigh]

[chuckles]

Look what we caught in our little trap.

What, now you're highwaymen?

Highwaypeople.

We're a gender neutral kleptocracy.

And we'll be taking these nice horsies.

They go well with me neck sparklies.

Hey, that's my grandmother's necklace.

Or your grandfather's.

This isn't a gender thing.

It's Bee

-Baw's and I am taking it back.

[grunting]



- Oh, I'm so sorry.



- [grunting]

I'm normally a nice person.

But we really need to save our friend.



- And we're in kind of a hurry, so

- [continues grunting]



- [blow lands]



- [thief grunts]

[horses neigh]

This is, like, so unfair.

I never got to haunt a house or spook a dog or get married.

[all groan]

Oh, please, put me out of my misery.

Prepare to be put out of your misery.

[Luci]

No!

[chanting in Latin]

I possessed your mother and she loved it!

[screams]

[screams]

[gasps]

You just k*lled my lawyer.

You won't be needing him anymore.

Your appeal has been denied!

Wait, wait, wait.

I love you?

Big Jo, I love you!

Cursed are those who consort with demons.

[both grunting]

It's all over, Big Jo.

I got the bottle and the Kn*fe.

Well, I got whatever this is.



- Elf.



- [gasps]

Throw me the bottle.

I'll throw you the elf.

[Elfo]

Thank you.

Okay, catch.

Oh!

You haven't defeated me yet.

Now, you have!

She risked her own life to save the demon.

Remarkable.

She's come along faster than we ever dared dream.

[Elfo grunts]

No, no, no!

Just pull out the cork.

[Luci]

Ow!

Ta

-da.

Did ya miss me?

Yes, but never fly into my mouth again.

Hey, what's that roll

-y, wagon

-y sound?

[clatters]

[demons laughing]

[Elfo]

Well, at least we saved Luci.

[Bean]

But we released evil upon the world.

[Luci]

A happy ending for everyone.