01x04 - Castle Party m*ssacre

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[man]

Hey!

[grunts]

You sure this is safe?

Yeah, the princess is almost never here.

You know, we could've just made out at the donkey auction.

Yeah, but where's the thrill of that?

I mean, don't you like it dangerous?

Have you ever made out in front of donkeys?

Yeah, they get real judgey.

[chuckles]

Holy crap, you're Princess Tiabeanie!

No, I'm just a normal teenager, high on bread mold, breaking into castles.

Then why is there a portrait of you?

[chuckling]

What are you, an art critic?

Shut up.

Sorry, Bean.

I heard guys that go with you end up dead.

Who'd you hear that from?

Get out of here, scribe guy.

"Embarrassed yet unbowed, the scrivener made his egress.

But he would continue to listen outside the door, unbeknownst to the princess.

" Look, uh, maybe I'll see you sometime.

[Bean]

Fine, coward.

Your hands were all rough and sexy, anyway.

Go!

Go use them on yourself or whatever.

[Luci]

Fun night?

[sighs]

I just want to do what everybody else does, but I can't if they're all so scared of my stupid dad.

Luci, you're my personal demon.

What do you think I should do?

Eh, easy.

k*ll Zog, hollow out his corpse and wear it around from time to time, so people think he's still alive.



- [man screaming]



- It's a perfect crime.

Bean, you doing anything weird in here I should know about?

Yeah, just making m*rder plans with my cat.

Oh, that's nice.

Good night, honey.

Oh, my God, it's always just gonna be me and my cat, isn't it?

Our secret society meets tonight?



- No, not until the king leaves the castle.



- The elf.

Speak only in code.

We won't convene the cookie club until the asswipe leaves the castle.

I couldn't help but overhear your secret conversation.

Mind if I join?



- Yes.

Yes, we do.



- [door opens]

Hey, Sorcerio, how's that elf blood comin' along?

I'm not getting any younger.

Oh, you will soon, my sire.

Hi, asswipe.

[grunts]

Don't worry, my liege.

His lack of blood has put him in a delirious state.

We'll give him a sedative.

Hand me ten ccs of brick.



- [blow lands]



- [Elfo thuds]

I love living where I work.

I never have to leave.

And I never have to work.

And people have to do what I say.

More corn.

More gravy.

Bean, you ever see a guy eat a whole chicken?

Yes, yesterday, you.

Oh, right.

[chuckles]

[clears throat]

These bones are getting caught in my throat.

Fetch me some water.

I know I don't hydrate as much as I should, but is this what water's supposed to look like?

It's fresh from the local well, sire.

[flies buzzing]

I've already summoned the plumber.

Good.

I'd like to tell him I'm disappointed in his work.

I'm disappointed in your work.

Thank you!

That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me!

Trying to get me to drink this water like I'm some kinda idiot.

What is this, my first rodeo?

What's a rodeo?

What were we talking about?

Man, I'm thirsty.

[groaning]

Oh, I'm dying over here.

Oh, why did I behead everyone with a medical license?

We take Zoggy to a spa where I get waited on hand and foot.

Stay as long as you can, even if it takes the whole weekend.

People rarely recover before Saturday night.

Okay.

But there better not be any funny business while I'm gone.

You can count on me, sire.

And the rest of you, too.

[groans]

Odval, you're in charge.

Keep your eyes on Bean and her weird friends.

Oh, neat.

I'm gonna name them Winky, Blinky and Soul

-Stealer.

Please don't name my eyes.

Hey, little guy, if I find so much as a misplaced hair when I get back, I'll cut off your arm.

Okay, but not my lucky arm.

Which one's your lucky arm?

Okay, fine, both of them.

[Elfo]

Mmm.

Come on.

Go.

Don't let the drawbridge hit your ass on the way out.

Ow!

The king may be ill, but we mustn't let this grave occurrence weigh down our somber hearts.

We must carry on and take comfort in prayer [laughing]

Oh, I've got to keep it together until he's out of the gates, at least.

[Elfo and Bean cheer]

[all cheering]

[sighs]

Them's good people.

Okay, the one thing I do know is when your parents are out of town, that's when the fun begins.

Now, if I was a normal kid, what would I do?

Mmm, throw a party.

Man, I have wanted to throw one of those ever since they were invented five years ago.

Wait.

What are you guys doing?

Zog said he'd cut off my arms.

Sure, he said it.

Did he mean it?

We'll find out.

Come on, man.

Parties are where heroes are born.

Deals are made, wallets are lost, people hook up.

[whispers]

Often the most regrettable hookups.

[chuckles]

Oh.

That's cool.

That's cool.

I can be somebody's regret.

[chuckles and clears throat]

Yes!

Okay, do you guys realize what's happening?

For one night, we get to do whatever we want.

[gasps]

I'm gonna drink flaming grog from a baby skull.

I'm gonna drink milk out of my shoe.

I already had milk in there.



- [groaning]



- [bottles clinking]

Hey, welcome to the spa.

I'm Chazz.

I'll be doing all your body butters and light touching.

What are these clamps for?

To hold you down while I talk to you.

Now let me ask you a few questions.



- Does it hurt when I poke you like this?



- Ow!

Good, good.

Now, how does it feel when I slap your belly like this?

Ow!

Okay, last question.

Have you ever been clamped down naked on a slab by a lunatic who doesn't work for the spa?

What the hell?

Don't rattle the clamps.

It enrages me.

Okay, first up, guest list.

No Dreamland dudes.

They're too scared of Zog.

Also, they're kinda plague

-y and I just I can't deal with lips falling off when I kiss people right now.

Oh.

Sounds like Bean may prefer a mysterious stranger with olive skin and an unbridled sense of caution.

[chuckles]

Bean, do you prefer Elfo?

That's not what I meant.

But do you?

Don't answer unless it's yes.

Dude, decide what you want, drink till you have the nerve to go for it, then keep drinking so the inevitable rejection doesn't hurt so bad.

What do you want?

I guess I've always wanted to watch the sunrise with a girl I fancy.

Ugh.

Just say Bean.

You want to watch the sunrise with Bean.

Well, stop saying what I mean.

Hear ye, hear ye!

Where are my party people at?

There shall be, tonight at the castle, a wicked rager, open to any in the kingdom who know how to rage wickedly.

[turkeys clucking]

Party tonight.

But don't tell anyone.

[fairies laughing]

You guys have a band?

I didn't know you were interesting.

Right now we mostly play corn exchanges, but a lot of times, people look up from what they're doing.

Wow, maybe someday you guys will play Cornchella.

[chuckles]

Oh.

Hey, guys.

Has the party started or is the kingdom's most eligible bachelor already here?

I don't know.

Has literally anyone other than you arrived?

Aw, I think he looks cute, like the mayor of Babyville.

Why do you always have to compare me to a cute baby?

I'm a cute man.

Aw, yes, you are.

[laughing]

That's enough.

Stop.

That's enough!

Wow, lights.

Okay, boys.

Let's make this night so legendary, they caution children about it.

Lower the drawbridge!

[Elfo]

What the hell?

Uh, yeah, lower the giant painting of the countryside.

[people cheering]

[gnome]

Is this Number One Castle Drive?

[vocalizing]

Let's party [people cheering]

Welcome, Seekers.

Take your assigned positions and prepare for our sacred ceremony.

At the sound of the gong, let the ritual begin.

[bang]

[chuckles]

Hey, so, you gonna ask me to dance or what, huh?

Dance?

Why, I'd be delighted.

I love to dance.

Whoa!

You're King Zog's daughter.

It's cool, man.

He's out of town, so Actually, sorry, I'm late for a crusade.

I love to dance.

Watch this.

[scatting]

[sighs]

Why does everyone have to know me?



- [fiddle music playing]



- [indistinct chatter]

[sighs]

[snoring]

Did you wanna maybe dance?

No, me neither.

[laughs]

I don't either.

I hate dancing.

[laughs]

Do you wanna dance?

It would It'd be crazy if we danced right now, right?

[scoffs]

Look at all those fools dancing.

It would be so It would be so stupid for us to join them, right?

Almost everyone's dancing.

[chuckles]

I mean would would you Would you wanna do that as well?

[sighs]

[Elfo]

312, 313 You're missing your chance, dude.

Oh, great, now you made me lose count.

This is your moment.

She's standing there alone.

You're all fueled up on cheese.

Make your move, stupid!

You're right.

I'm gonna march up to Bean and say something I'll have figured out by the time I get there.

Hey, you can't park on my lawn.

My flaming arrow says I can.

You've got a talking flaming arrow?

What?

No, it's just a regular arrow.

Well, I'm sorry.

Things get confusing in a world with occasional magic and curses.

And while I am a fan of such worlds, I just feel some more clearly set out rules for what can and cannot happen would help us [grunts]

He says it's okay to park here.

Whoa!

Elfo.

[chuckles]

Would you look at us, huh?

Couple of wallflowers, standing over by the snack table eating chee What happened to all the cheese?

There were over 300 cubes over here.

[clears throat]

Bean, Bean, Bean.

[chuckles]



- Um, well, can I be honest with you?



- Yeah, of course.

When I left Elfwood, I had no idea why, but then, here, tonight, I feel like I finally know why.

Um Uh [groans]

[chuckling]

I don't know how to say this.

Ugh!

Go ahead.

Say it.



- I'm into big girls.



- What?

Just hear me out.

Before I left, I didn't have any idea that my size, my stature, was What do you call it?



- Dinky?



- What?

[stuttering]

I don't if I'd say "dinky.

" I guess what I'm trying to get at, and not so eloquently, but could you ever go out with a guy who's dinky?

Well, I have been drinking a lot tonight, so it might just be the grog talking, but, you know, I think maybe I Oh, God, Vikings!

[screams]

Let's burn this place down!

[all gasp]

With our smooth northern dance style.

[groaning]

You still seem tense.

Chazz is gonna take it down a notch, okay?

Just me and you.

Just Chazz and the king, havin' a dialogue.

You know, I thought about being a king once.

Just wasn't born that way.

Those are the breaks.

[laughing]

Oh, would you listen to me.

Woe is Chazz, huh?

Woe is gonna be you if you don't [shushing]

We all get to share our feelings.



- This here is the feeling stick.



- [stick rattles]

Whoever holds the stick gets to share their feelings.

I'm feelin' furious!

I'm gonna Bup, bup, bup.

Who has the stick?

[grunts]

Chazz has the stick.

He sure does.

And how do you feel about that?

Ha!

Chazzed.

Only I can share the feelings.



- But seriously, I was a chubby kid

- [groaning]

and even though I knew I was destined for greatness, the flab on my arms said different.

Poor Chazz.

Oh, no.

Party crashers!

Uh, night's over!

Tell your parents to pick you up.

Hey, chill out.

This is Bean's party.

Whoo!

Horse at a party!

Party horse rules!

Hey, nice.

She drank her way out of depression like a pro.

Stupid lucky horse.



- [horse neighs]



- Whoa!

Easy, girl.

[neighs]

The horse has big, beautiful teeth.

Like you.



- Your tooth is beautiful, too.



- Ah.

Um, please don't sit in the king's chair.

It's for his royal ass only.

Thank you.

Ha!

Kings!

I fear no kings.

Queens either.

Dukes kinda give me the willies, but kings?

Bah!

Hi.

You seem unafraid of kings and probably have other qualities.

I am also funny guy because inside there is pain.

Welcome to my party.

So this is your castle?

You're not like some stuck up princess, are you?

Did I say my party?

I meant thy party.

I'm all about possessive pronouns.

They be the latest thing, does not thee know?

Where I come from, we don't possess our pronouns.

We let them run free, like the majestic snow chimp.

[both chuckle]

Can I show you around?

[chuckles mockingly]

Ugh!

Odval and Sorcerio will put an end to all this naughtiness.



- Oh, my!



- Wow.

Elfo, you mustn't be here.

This is an ancient secret society that conducts great matters of state and diplomacy.

We are the shadow behind the crown, the prime movers of history, the unseen hand.



- [yelps]



- [man giggles]

It looks like people are just having sex.

Oh, yes, we do that, too.

Diplomacy is complicated.

I don't want to interrupt whatever those four people are doing, but could you come throw a wet blanket not that wet blanket, on the party upstairs?

I'm sorry.

I'm sort of in the middle of someone right now.

Come back later with an open mind.

And your sassy friend, the talking cat.

[grunts]

Wait.

You're not a princess, but you have a room in this castle?

What?

No.

This isn't my room.

This is, uh, her room.

Meet Princess Tiabunty.

Oh, uh, I'm a princess, I is.

Um, this is me bed that me family lives on and [whispering]

Oh, so soft.

[groaning and snoring]

[both moaning]

Ugh, great, everyone up here is doing diplomacy, too.

Ugh, you're still up?

Uh, where's Bean?

I thought you were supposed to be chaperoning her.

What?

What's wrong with you?

Why would you think that?

What?

She's unchaperoned?

Oh, hi, Bean.

I'm not interrupting, am I?

Mind if I sit on the bed?

What are you doing?

You allow your chimp on the bed?

Elf, actually.

Common mistake.

Can you pass me a pillow?

My back hurts when my body's filled with rage.

Oh, it's not healthy to store that.

Would you like to lie down?

Elfo, get out of my room.

This is your room?

You are the princess?

Elfo, I'm gonna k*ll you.

Um, you can't k*ll me.

Her dad needs me for the Elixir of Life.

It's kind of like insurance.

The Elixir of Life?

Your snowy hair and stormy breath remind me of my homeland.

You've been a comfort, but my priorities have changed.

Sven, wait.

What is your problem, man?

This weekend was my one chance at freedom and you ruined it, just like my dad.

You are just a little, green Zog.

No, wait!

I was just trying to control you.

Oh.

Well, it's not like your dad is entirely Oh.

Well, at least he Oh.

Uh Oh.

I'm sorry.

I was too aggressive.

I'll go back to being passive aggressive, 'cause it worked so well.

Too late.

Tonight's turned into a carriage wreck.

I just want to send people home and curl up with my favorite book.

The hollowed

-out one with the booze inside?

Yeah.

I can't put it down.

Party's over.

Everyone out.

Come on, guys.

Look alive.



- [Elfo]

I don't think they can anymore.



- [Sven]

Ah?

Seize them.

[Bean and Elfo grunt]

[Luci grunts]

[all grunting]

[all grunt]

I claim this castle in the name of Land Vikings!



- I am land king now!



- [Vikings cheering]

This is why you gotta make people RSVP.

[steam hissing]

I wouldn't say I was locked up in a lunatic asylum because I was crazy.

Something in my voice makes people real mad.

[sighs]

But, hey, I escaped and ended up here, and who knows what I'm gonna do to you now.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

[chuckles]

[straining]

[yelling indistinctly]



- What the hell?



- [Chazz]

You're cured.

Congratulations, Your Highness.

Not thinking about your tummy troubles now, are you?

You tortured me for 24 straight hours.

That's what cures it.

Well, that or the passage of time.

We're not really sure.

I've had it with you and your successful methods.

I'm gettin' out while I still have my dignity.

I don't get why you'd want to take over this shoddy kingdom anyway.

We're broke.

This castle's not even made of real stone.

It's particle stone.

Vikings don't care about riches.

We want immortality, that our names might live on for a hundred years.

We must have the Elixir of Life.

Hear ye, hear ye!

The return of King Zog is imminent.

Please do not sh**t the messenger any more.

Oh, God, my dad's gonna k*ll us, and then the Vikings are gonna k*ll my dad.

Hey, at least Elfo's sad.

Look at his lip quiver.

[sighs]

There's only one thing left to do.

I'm switching teams.

Called it.

Knew it by the pants.

I'm joining forces with our savage conqueror.

What?

Your Majesty.

Ah, now we're talking.

We shall rule together as tyrant and tyrantina.

[whimpers]

If this is what you want, Bean, I won't stand in your way.

I wish you all the gumdrops in the rainbow.

Thanks, Elfo.

And when those gumdrops get stuck in our throats, as they inevitably will, we shall wash them down with the Elixir of Life, which we totally have.

[gasps]

Oh.

This shoddy kingdom is ours forever.

Eternity shall remember the names of Sven and, uh

- Bean.



- Really?

Behold, guys, the Elixir of Life.

[Sven]

Why are there so many dead things floating in the Elixir of Life?



- A little bug never hurt anyone.



- What about that squirrel?

Oh, that's my pet Bloaty.

Wait a minute.

You named your pet squirrel Bloaty before he d*ed and got all bloated?

And your name is Sven and you're a Viking, so we're all a little obvious here, aren't we?

Come on, drink up.

[Vikings muttering indistinctly]

Hold on.

I didn't become regional manager of the Land Vikings by drinking any old liquid.

How do I know this is not a trick?

'Cause I told you?

Showed you.

I have to show you.

Well, here's to seeing the sun rise another day.

Oh, oh.

[gagging]

See?

It's totally fine.

Are you turning green?

Or were you already green?

[grunts]

When I'm immortal, I'll have plenty of time to consider things.

[exhales]

Huh.

I wasn't expecting to chew.

[stomachs rumbling]

Right this way, gentlemen.

Luci, pull the lever.

[Vikings yelling]

Bean!

Bean!

Grab my hand!

As your future husband, I command it.

Oh, you shouldn't have said that.

Here's a hammer.

[Sven]

Please, don't hammer my fingers.

Look at you.

You're just a coward like every other guy except that one over there, with his head in a bucket.

[yelling]

This is why you're still single!

Wow!

I can't believe you just sent so many people to their death.

Death?

No, they'll just all fall into the ocean.

[Vikings thud]

Oh.

I guess it was low tide.

Hey, Elfo, I just want to say that what you did really means a lot to me.

I won't forget it.

Can you hear me?

Hey, can you hear me?

Can you maybe save this for later, when I can appreciate it?

"And they looked into each other's eyes, and the question arose.

Will they or won't they notice that King Zog's carriage has arrived in the courtyard right now?

" Oh, God, I've never cleaned before.

You don't have to tell me what happened up here if I don't have to tell you what happened down there.

Deal.

Just help me clean.

Elfo, you scrub the blood off the walls, and I'll sweep up the crushed pretzels.

[Luci]

Hey, uh, what do I do with this leg?

Stuff it up the chimney with these torsos.

[groans]

Castle looks pretty good.

Main entrance nice and clean.

Portcullis properly lowered to defensive position.

Walking up stairs now.

Landing neat and tidy.

Second set of stairs, also fine.

Now approaching the throne room, not expecting any surprises.

Blood pressure steady as I enter and Oh.

It's totally clean and there are people here to greet me.

How nice.

Welcome back to your castle, Father, where nothing unusual occurred.

Certainly no religious sex magic rituals.

Glad to hear it.

Now I would like to sit on my throne and rule my kingdom, which most certainly was not overthrown by barbarians.

Dad, why are you talking like that?

Sorry, I had a stroke on the way home.

[crowing]

Hey, at least you get to watch the sunrise with a girl.

Sorry it's just me.

Well, maybe someday you'll get your wish, too.

I have wishes, too.

But you wouldn't know that because you never asked.

Rude.

I also had a dream where all my teeth fell out.

That's weird, right?

[chuckles]

Man, dreams.

Maybe reality is the dream and dreams are reality.

You ever think about that?

[chuckles]

I'm pretty high.

[groans]

You know, I think a fire would be nice, yeah.

Okay.

Picking up the poker.

Opening the flue, and Bean!

[theme music playing]