03x14 - Critters

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Batman: The Animated Series". Aired: September 5, 1992 – September 15, 1995.*
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Based on the DC comics, The Dark Knight battles crime in Gotham City with occasional help from Robin and Batgirl.
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03x14 - Critters

Post by bunniefuu »

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

FARMER BROWN: I say again,
ladies and gentlemen,

not since man put two slices of bread
on either side of a hunk of meat

has there been anything as exciting
as what you are going to see here today.

Well, that's what you've been saying
for an hour,

but we haven't seen anything
but your daughter and a tarp.

Coming to it, sir.

You want enough hamburger
to feed a nation?

You want a turkey drumstick big enough
for the whole family this Thanksgiving?

Well, you gotta have your
special growth hormones

invented by me, Farmer Brown.

Hit it, honey.

(CROWD GASPING)

- Gosh, what is that?
- What is that thing?

(GROANING)

(ROARING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Simmer down there.

(MOOING)

Don't hurt it, Daddy.

Just a sedative, Emmylou.

He'll be dreaming
about big green pastures now.

Quick thinking, Wayne.

Actually, I was trying
to escape through the window.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CAMERA FLASHING)

Enoch Brown, I'm handing down
an injunction ordering you to cease

and desist these monstrous experiments.

You are to remove any living specimens
to safe captivity outside Gotham City.

- (CROWD APPLAUSE AND APPROVAL)
- (JUDGE BANGING GAVEL)

Judge, I've put millions into this.
If I can't continue my experiments,

I'm down the drain, washed-up,
snookered and sunk.

You should have thought of that
when you started

creating these monsters. Adjourned.

Oh, Daddy.

Monsters, huh? I'll show them monsters.

WOMAN: And after you didn't call, I was
beginning to think you'd forgotten me.

That maybe I'd end up
like all the others.

I've just been busy at work.

You've gotta have
a little faith, Sharon.

Karen...

You're not gonna help me, are you?

- (SCREAMS) There's a bug.
- In your salad?

Behind you.

(GASPS)

(PATRONS SCREAMING)

(MAN SCREAMS)

(BOY SCREAMS)

(INSECT SCREECHING)

(POLICEMAN GROANING)

That's right. Over here.

(HISSING)

(GRUNTING)

Then it wasn't the insecticide
that k*lled them.

The DNA was altered so that
these insects were immune to poisons.

They were engineered
to self-destruct when they did.

- But why would someone do that?
- To show us that he can.

This was just the preview.
The real show has yet to begin.

(ROOSTER GROWS)

(HOCKS AND SPITS)

Livestock ready to go to market, sugar?

Yes, sir, Daddy.

- What about the kid?
- Can't shut him up.

Well, now, I'm gonna be in my office.

When you get back
from running them livestock

- you give me a holler, you hear me?
- I will, Daddy.

Soon as I feed the chickens.

Here, chick, chick, chick.
Here, chick, chick, chick.

(CREATURES ROARING)

(BELL DINGS)

Okey-dokey.

(BELLOWING)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GASPS)

(CROWD CLAMORING)

- Holy cow!
- You had to say it.

(SCREECHING)

I'm getting a report of a disturbance
on the streets. (CRASH) What the...

(SCREAMING)

Nothing here. How are you two doing?

(CROWD SCREAMING)

Actually, we're a little busy.

(BELLOWING)

ROBIN: We've just been run over
by a cow.


- Can you make it to the roof?
- Not if this keeps up.

(SCREECHING)

(INDISTINCT CROWD SCREAMING)

Help!

(GRUNTS)

ROBIN: Hey, Ferdinand.

(GROWLS)

Toro, toro.

(YELPS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

That's a lot of bull.

(CREATURES SCREECHING)

(MEN SCREAMING)

That's right.
A stampede on nd and Main.

(POLICE SIRENS BLARING)

(TYPEWRITER DINGS)

(TYPEWRITER CONTINUES CLICKING)

k*ller chickens? Giant cattle?
What the heck's going on?

Remember that microbiologist
they used to call Farmer Brown?

(DOOR BANGING)

Howdy. Howdy.

- Howdy.
- Good Lord!

Fifty million in unmarked bills.

The docks tonight
or the bugs come baa-aack for good.

- Fifty million?
- One person brings money.

No tricks. No surprises. No Baa-aatman.

Hey, he ate my donut.

Commish, we got braciola for brains
if we hand million over

- to a stinking goat.
- You let me worry about that, Bullock.

- I don't want you rocking the boat.
- Funny you should say that.

Okay, whiskers, where's the captain?

Say.

I might like this cruise.

(SHOUTS)

Coming home, Daddy.

(GROANS)

Oh, no, you don't.

Whoa!

EMMYLOU: When I was looking for a tracer
in the van,

I saw him hanging over the side,
wetter than a bag of drowned cats.

Well, now, city fella,
I don't reckon it's all that polite

to show up at a fella's abode
without an invitation.

Gee, Snuffy.
Guess I plumb forgot my manners.

Use him for hog slop.

Hey, what the... Whoa!

(GRUNTS)

Whoa!

(LOUD SQUEAL)

Eat him up, piggy.

(ROARS)

(GROANS)

(SCREAMING)

- Moves pretty fast for a fat boy.
- Snookered again.

What?

Always check the money first, honey.

Check your shoes for what the cow left

and check your money. Two solid rules.

Sorry, Daddy.

Typical.

(PANTING)

(PIG GROWLING)

Argh!

(GRUNTS)

Argh!

(GRUNTS)

- Oh, boy.
- Beef steroids.

(BATMAN GRUNTS)

Yee-ha!

(GRUNTS)

Hah!

(GROANS)

(HOCKS AND SPITS)

Guess we can't do this
the old-fashioned way.

(STRUGGLING GRUNTS)

I'll be taking
that snazzy belt of your'n.

Thought this might be a good
place to keep you,

least till the silo takes off.

- Takes off?
- It's actually a rocket, Batfolks.

Set to land in Gotham Park Lake.

(CITTERING)

What's that noise?

Insects.

It's a hive.

Yes, sir. With bigger and better,
more long-lasting bugs.

And the people of Gotham
are gonna make sure they're well-fed,

if you get my meaning.

Adios!

(BEEPS)

(SQUELCHING)

(BEEPING)

We got about a minute
to get to the boat, darling.

(GRUNTS)

So you survive the Joker
and the rest of those freaks,

only to buy it from Jed Clampett
and a bunch of bugs.

And I gotta be here to see it.

(SCREECHING)

Look out!

(YELPS)

Everyone freeze.

Hey, over here.

That's right. Look at me.

(ROARING)

Move.

Keep going.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(ROARING)

(GRUNTS)

It's pretty, ain't it, Daddy?

That it is, pumpkin.

(GASPS)

Dagnabit!

Now, that's purty.

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

Well, today's certainly been
one fine howdy-do.

Don't sweat it, Pops.
It's only to .

And maybe we can find you and Daisy May
a nice prison farm.

(ROOSTER CROWING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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