03x19 - Legends of the Dark Knight

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

CARRIE: "Mysterious arsonist
strikes again. Police baffled."

MATT: Look, they got a sh*t of Batman.
NICK: Where?

MATT: There.

Okay, sport, you can move the light now.

- It is him.
- NICK: Awesome.

They never get a sh*t of Batman.
He's too quick.

Well, if the Dark Knight's on the case,
arson boy's history.

And the Batman doesn't take prisoners.

The way I hear it, he isn't even human.

He's like a giant pterodactyl-beast
with big fangs and talons.

And when he sees a bad guy, he swoops
down from the sky and carries them off.

(IMITATES BAT SCREECHING)

- Reality check, Nick.
- (EXCLAIMING)

(GRUNTS)

My uncle knows Batman.
He says he's really nice.

- Nice?
- Yeah, right.

No, I mean it. He says Batman's neat.

He's got a lot of cool equipment,
and he and Robin are real funny.

- And my dad's a spy with the CIA.
- I'm serious.

See, my uncle was the guard
at the Walker Music Center.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

- (SONG STOPS ABRUPTLY)
- (EXCLAIMS)

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER ON STEREO)

JOKER: (SINGING) ♪ Sing a song of larceny ♪
♪ Sing it round the town ♪

♪ Joker's stealing laughter ♪
♪ And Batman's going down ♪

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

JOKER: The comedy is finished.

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

The Joker. I better stay on my toes.

"Better stay on my toes"?
He actually said that, out loud?

I don't know.
This is how my uncle tells it.

- Just let Matt tell the story.
- Okay.

So he runs through the Center,
making sure everything's locked up.

What the...

(RECORDED LAUGHTER)

(HISSING)

(COUGHING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

JOKER: Thank you, good fellow.
So kind of you to get the door.

Who says chivalry is dead?

Ah, the arts.

(PLINKS)

Mother always said I had talent.

Well?

- Oh, yeah. That was good.
- Yeah. All right. Yeah.

Thank you. You're too kind.

Truth be told,
strings never were my section.

I'm much better on the keys.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(JOKER HUMMING)

Ah!

- BATMAN: Hold it right there, Joker.
- (ALL GASPING)

- JOKER: Batman.
- We got your clue about stealing laughter.

"The comedy is finished."

A famous line from Pagliacci,
the opera about a sad clown.

BATMAN: It was your twisted way of saying
you'd steal the original score.

Now we're gonna make our own clown cry.

Get them.

(g*nshots)

(b*ll*ts RICOCHETING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(SHUDDERS)

- (GRUNTS)
- (EXCLAIMS)

- (CLANGS)
- (GRUNTS)

Ah!

(GRUNTING)

Not much of a dancer, are you?

(GRUNTS)

Now you've got the b*at.

(GRUNTING)

Ha!

(GRUNTING)

I win!

(GRUNTS)

Robin.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, very good.
I'll have to make a note of that.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Tie them up with those bow hairs.

I'm not done fiddling with them yet.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(GROANING)

(BATMAN AND ROBIN STRUGGLING)

- (GRUNTING)
- (DISCORDANT NOTES PLAYING)

JOKER: Now for my next number,
I'd like to do a little ditty for you

that I've been working on for--
Oh, it seems like years.

I call it "Bat-hoven's Last Movement."
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

For some, I'm afraid,
it may hit a sour note.

- (LAUGHS)
- (PIANO PLAYING)

BATMAN: Roll, Robin.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(BLADE WHIRRING)

(JOKER LAUGHING)

(BOTH GASPING)

Ta-da!

Thank you. Thank you.

(GRUNTING)

- (THUGS GROANING)
- Huh?

JOKER: No!

Good thing we thought
to wear our earplugs, Batman.

- (DISCORDANT NOTES PLAYING)
- (GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

He's getting away.

Huh?

(WHIMPERING)

(JOKER SCREAMING)

- (INHALES DEEPLY)
- (GIANT SAXOPHONE BLOWS)

(SCREAMING) My ears!

(SCREAMING)

(JOKER GROANS)

Call the police
so they can round up these clowns.

Well done, old chum.

"Old chum"?

You gotta be kidding.

The whole story's bogus.
Your uncle was asleep half the time.

Well, like I said, that's how he tells it.

Hey, who's talking about Batman?
I love Batman.

All those muscles, the tight rubber armor
and that flashy car.

- I heard it can drive up walls.
- Yeah, sure, Joel.

- Hey, what happened to Kozy's?
- JOEL: The arsonist happened.

You should have seen the fire.
It was fabulous.

Wonder if there's any clues.

- We should get out of here.
- Batman wouldn't run.

How do you know?

Because I know what he's really like.
And you guys are both totally clueless.

First of all, Batman's real old, like,
about . And second, Robin's a girl.

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

(YELPS)

Spill it, chicken legs. Where's the bat?

(SCREAMS)

Back off, man. I'll waste her.
Believe me, I'll do it!

- BATMAN: I believe you.
- Figured I had all night, boss?

(WHIMPERING)

Your leader.

MUTANT LEADER: They think we a g*ng.
They think we just noisy kids.

But soon, they see we are the future.
We are the law!

(ALL CHEERING)

See, Don, leader's riffing now.

Leader's Billy Berserk, man.

I myself will k*ll the fool Batman.

I will rip the meat from his bones
and suck them dry.

Gotham City belongs to the mutants!

(ALL CHEERING)

(MUTANTS GASPING)

(t*nk RUMBLING)

(GEARS SQUEAKING)

They don't even wait for an order.

Kids these days. No respect.

- (GRUNTING)
- (MACHINE g*nf*re)

(GROANING)

Rubber b*ll*ts. Honest.

(g*nf*re)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

- (HISSING)
- (SCREAMING)

(t*nk GEARS SQUEAKING)

Batman!

I call you coward.

Come out and face your death like a man!

I k*ll you. I eat your heart.

I show you who rules Gotham City.

Okay, son.

Show me.

(SNARLING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

(YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

(MUTANT LEADER GRUNTING)

(STRAINING)

I k*ll you now. And Gotham City is mine.

(SNARLING)

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

- (SNARLING)
- (BUBBLING)

(GRUNTS)

- Leader's bugging.
- Leader peg Batman, you see.

- (THUDS)
- (EXCLAIMS)

He dusted.

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

You don't get it, son.
This isn't a trash heap.

It's an operating table.

- (THUNDER RUMBLES)
- (MUTANT LEADER SCREAMING)

- And I'm the surgeon.
- (WHIMPERING)

Gotta love him.

(LIGHTNING CRASHES)

BOTH: Cool.

And that's what Batman's really like.

It's late. My mom's gonna k*ll me.

Yeah, I should head back too.

- Hey, it's him.
- Whoa!

Come on.

I think he went in here.

MATT: I don't know about this.
CARRIE: Come on, this could be his headquarters.

(GASPS)

What's he doing?

Firefly.

We gotta tell Batman.

My bat signal.

- The batteries are dead.
- You think?

- FIREFLY: Who's there?
- (KIDS GASPING)

Show yourself.

(FLARE HISSING)

Kids. Tough break. Hope you like it hot.

(GRUNTING)

He got my signal.

I'd heard you were setting fires
for money, Lynns.

A little pressure,
and your client gave up where you'd be.

Oh.

I thought insurance fraud
was too common for you.

FIREFLY: Fires need fuel.
Chemicals are expensive.

(GASPS)

(GRUNTING)

Wow!

FIREFLY: That's it. You've gotten
in my way for the last time.

Sorry to put you out.

Yeah.

(FIREFLY SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

(HANDCUFFS CLICKING)

(KIDS SCREAMING)

(BEEPING)

Go!

- (ROOF CREAKING)
- Come on!

(SIRENS WAILING)

Looks like someone left us a present.

He's gonna fry up there.
I need a ladder over here. Now!

Yeah, you get right on that.

Now, who made the on this?

(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

See? He was just like I said.

What are you talking about?
Did you see the way he fought?

MATT: Yeah,
but he also had that foam thing.

NICK: And when he flew away at the end,
I'm telling you, he's not human.

CARRIE: Get off it. He's human.

NICK: I don't know, I thought I saw fangs.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)