02x03 - Beanie Get Your g*n

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme music playing]

[man]

Hey! [Derek]

Star light, bar fight, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, eat the dish I fish tonight.



- [scoffs]



- Please bring Dad and Bean back.

A sh**ting star! Did it work?

Oh, God.

Prayer games are over.

Hurry up and get into bed.

It's Tuesday night.

You

-know

-what begins in 20 minutes.

Sex bingo! Shh.

Tuck him in.

Tsk

-tsk.

The pillow goes under his head, not over it.

[grunts]

And remember, Derek, sh**ting stars are angels plummeting to Hell.

Good night.

Well, that's no angel.

It's a seagull on fire.

[seagull squawks]

[Odval]

What is that?

Some kind of clown car grave?

[gasps]

I can't believe my various eyes! Archdruidess, we have a problem.

All these things ever see is a problem.

[groans]

Rising from the dead is witchcraft.

Could Tiabeanie actually be a witch?

Ah, no such thing.

You know it's just a good excuse to dispose of all the weirdos and free

-thinkers and masturbators.

Ugh.

Hi, Pendergast.

Dad, what are you talking about?

That's not Pendergast.

That's the poet who wrote those mean nursery rhymes about you that all the babies in Dreamland memorized.

Listen, you can hear it right now.

[toddlers singing]

Old King Zøg Dumb as a frog Brains of a monkey Balls of a hog

- [toddlers laughing]



- See?

Bye, Pendergast.

[Odval]

And the king lives, too.

What happened?

We burnt them at the stake, but now they're alive and completely raw and ungrilled.

There's no other explanation.

Bean possesses powerful magic.

She'll k*ll us all with her goo

-goo hoo

-doo voodoo walla

-walla Ow! [grunts and yelps]

Shut up and let me think.

I'll tell you exactly what's happening.

Someone must have helped those troublemakers escape death, and I'm gonna find out who.

Derek, honey, you have some special visitors.

Now, all you have to tell those sweet boys [groans]

Where is the little bastard?

[Derek]

Yay! He's remarkably speedy for such a beachball of a boy.

Oh, Bean, you're alive! I'm sorry for everything.

Never ever, ever, ever burn me alive at the stake again.

All right, Luci, your turn.

I should torment you for the rest of your life, but I got my hands full with your sister.

Okay, your turn, Elfo.

I'm gonna break all your toys.

Oh! And Old Daddy, you're back home.

Oh! I love you so much more than New Daddy.

I won't say that doesn't hurt.

Why, hello, sire.

How are you feeling?

About me, in particular?

Huh?

Who said that?

Who wanna know how I'm feelin'?

Oh, I'll tell you how I'm feelin'.

Raise the drawbridge.

I'm feelin' great! Lower the drawbridge.

'Cause down there I realized important stuff I wasn't aware of before.

Raise the drawbridge.

[Zøg]

About myself.

Lower the drawbridge.

I learnt there's an enemy lurkin' among us.

Raise the drawbridge.

And its name is mental illness and the stigma that accompanies it.

Believe me, I know, 'cause I've been to Hell and back.

I've seen things no human eyeballs should ever see.

I made noises no human earholes should ever hear.

[mimicking echo]

I, I, I What, what, what But I also discovered the most important thing in life.

And then I forgot it.

And now, I just wanna lie down.

So lower the g*dd*mn drawbridge, will ya, huh?

Lower the g*dd*mn drawbridge, will ya, huh?

I think we're getting away with it.

Zøg's too crazy to remember anything we did to him.

How can we be sure?

[Zøg mimicking echo and grumbling]

[chuckles]

Ugh! I swear, these tight, sexy clothes were designed to cut off cognitive thinking.

I was hoping you'd at least keep that look for the party, Dagmar I mean, Bean.

Um Hmm.

[sighs]

Now these boots were made for thinking.

[sarcastically]

Yay.

[blows trumpet]

[crowd clapping]

Fellow Dreamlanders, our difficult period has passed.

A beloved king and father was gravely wounded, but miraculously recovered.

I know that blue kid.

He lives in my building.

A sister was accused of being a witch and a brother b*rned her at the stake.

These are the things that we will look back on at holidays and laugh and laugh.

[crowd laughing]

[clears throat]

So, Bean, I want you to know I love you, and you're pardoned.

Your crimes are forgiven.

[crowd]

Aw.



- Wait, all of them?



- Uh, yeah, sure.

Yes! Oh.

Once again, the rich white girl gets away with it.

Justice! And in this spirit, I would also like to pardon the following.

"Elfo, Luci, and last but not least, Old Man Touchy, on the condition that you promise you will never touch again.

" I promise.

I lied! [babbling]

To be honest, I'm glad the execution didn't take.

That's what happens when you ask a bonfire to do an a*'s job.

Otherwise, you'd be one dead witch.

Thanks, Stan, but once again, not a witch.

Just what a resurrected witch would say.

Oh! Act casual, she's looking right at us.

Hey, girl.

Weird.

Why is Odval being so friendly?

And why is everyone so casual about the fact that Dad and I are supposed to be dead?

What about me?

Nobody cared either time I came back to life.

I was disappointed both times.

Disappointment's a form of caring.

Excuse me, but is anyone else bothered by the rules of this world?

I mean, people get turned to stone or b*rned alive, and the next thing you know, they're walking around, no harm, no foul.

I mean, I myself was sh*t with a flaming arrow [groans]

Who did that?

They say, "Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

" That's why it belongs on the heaviest fathead around.

And here he comes now.

My dad, your king, King Zøg.



- [unenthusiastic clapping]



- [man 1]

Yay.

Give me that.

[grunts]

Get outta here.

Thank you! Thank you very much.

This is for all the kids out there who dream of becomin' a king.

Keep dreamin', 'cause I'm the only king here forever.

All hail our only king here forever! And if you forget, you get your head chopped off! Now, start cheerin'! [crowd cheering]

Free drinks in the courtyard, ya boozebags! [crowd cheers louder]

[man 2]

Okay, revolution's postponed for another day.

Anyway, I guess it's better to be respected for who I am, not what I am, right?

Who you are is a nobody, and what you are ain't nothin'! [groans]

[Archdruidess]

Raise the drawbridge! [Derek whimpers]

[indistinct chatter]

Who's that lurking in the dark alley?

[grunts]

[laughs]

Perhaps new friends?



- Greetings, ragamuffins! May I play?



- Sure.

Wanna play a little game called "Like This Whapsee"?

Like This Whapsee?

Well, how do you play?



- Like this.

Whap! See?



- Ow.

Hey, ain't you a king or somethin'?

Oh, I'm not a majesty anymore.

I'm a common idiot just like you fellas.

Then I guess you won't be needin' this crown.

Yeah.

I suppose I don't need it.

Huh.

Say, what's the big idea agreein' with us?

Zippidee, Doo

-Dah, barrelize him! But we ain't got no barrel.

We traded it for these crates.

I can pretend I'm in a barrel.

Stop bein' so agreeable!

- All right.



- [all grunt]

[Derek]

Ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow.

[continues yelping]

[Zøg laughing hysterically]

Wow! Listen to Zøg's laughter.

Someone must be getting ex*cuted.

[muttering and laughing]

Oh, Bean, get over here.

You gotta look at this.

Again, sire?

Mmm

-hmm.

[jingling]

[laughing]

Pendergast! Oh, it's funny 'cause it's true.

I dreamed of this moment for so long, but I'm more worried than validated.

I ain't talkin' to you.

I'm talkin' to the head.

[chuckling]

Ah! Dad, what's wrong with you?

Ask Pendergast.

[groaning]

He knows everything.

[Bean]

Yikes.

Okay, that's enough.

Oh, no! I hope I die this time! Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

[continues yelping]

[grunts]

I don't belong in the castle.

I don't belong with the common folk.

[sighs wearily]

Maybe the scary woods will accept me?

Oh, a warning sign! "Beware of" Uh

-oh.

I better not finish reading it or I'll get too frightened.

[suspenseful music playing]

[Mertz's mother]

Are you sure?

Yes, Ma, I did wash my taint.

I didn't.

You're a sociopath.

Murbish, Tertz, we're looking for Pendergast.

Have you seen him?

Not since he told us to meet up with him to help Zøg.

Remember?

Oh, yeah.

Pendergast never showed up.

Good thing, 'cause we didn't either.

What was Pendergast supposed to help my dad do?

We'll never know.

Well, where is Pendergast now?

We'll never know.

Well, this has been a waste of time.

We'll never know.

Hey, Detective Dumbass, have you checked his locker?



- What the

- [all exclaiming]

It's Pendergast! Oh, my God! Who did this?

He looks so different with his head sliced off.

[suspenseful music playing]

[leaves rustling]

Oh, hello, pretty pony.

Don't be afraid.

Here, you want something to eat?

Aw.

Huh?

Ah! Cut it out! Ouch! [Derek grunts]

All right, eager beaver.

Find the queen, win the dough.

Where she stops, nobody knows.

It's in the middle.

That one there, in the middle.

[animals cheering]

You gotta play this, pally.

Oh, I don't know.

How much does it cost?

Whatever you got.

That's what I got.

I know.

It's in the middle again.

Wha But I'm sure I saw Sorry, pally, better luck next time.

[siren wailing in distance]



- What's that noise?



- Coppers! Skedeedle! [mouse imitating siren]

Aw, it's just a tender little mouse.

Oh, help me.

Help me, I need help.

[Derek exclaiming]

Hey! I don't hear any coins droppin'.

Where's all your g*dd*mn money?

I just lost everything in a card game except my pants.

You have the worst luck I've ever seen.

[cackles]

I don't know how this can get any more degrading.

Hey, there.

My name's Derek.

Who are you?

Well, no one's ever asked before.

Name's Sagatha.

You're beautiful.

What are ya, blind?

Please, don't tell me you're gonna rob and b*at me, too?



- Why, you got any money?



- Well, not anymore.

Well, you look rich.

Maybe we can work somethin' out.

But right now, I gotta get you outta here fast.

The owl orgy starts in three minutes.

[owls hooting]

[Bean]

Poor Pendergast.

Turn him over, boys.

Look, a hole in his armor.



- [flesh squelching]



- That's disgusting.

A b*llet.

If we find the g*n, we've got the m*rder*r.

Okay, let's split up.

Elfo, you start on the top floor.

Luci, you start on the bottom.



- You two stay here and guard the body.



- Yes, ma'am.

We'd never let something happen to our headless friend Pendergast.

[Bean sighs]

[Derek singing]

Old King Zøg Dumb as a frog Brains of a monkey Balls of a hog You're not gonna drown me, are you?

[Sagatha]

Hey, where's the profit in that?

[Derek]

Whoa! [Sagatha]

Welcome to Fairyland, where anything goes.

For free?

Maybe I will drown you.

Don't ever walk barefoot around here.

And never eat at the strip clubs.

You know what really freaks me out?

When I opened that locker and Pendergast's body fell forward, it's as if the k*ller planned it that way, you know?

Leaning the body right up against the door like that.

What a sick bastard.

"Oh, hello, I'm Elfo.

" "I'm afraid of the dark.

" "I'm afraid of decapitated bodies.

" "I'm afraid of dying alone.

" Oh.

Okay, you know what?

Kissy was right.

You have a toxic personality, so just go your way and I'll go mine.

Hey, Stan, you seen Pendergast's head lately?

I don't know.

Look in the back.

[whistling to the tune of "Old King Zøg"]

[stops whistling and yelps]

Hi, I'm the head of Pendergast.

[Luci screams]

[chuckling]

Yeah, you better run.

[screaming]

[sighs]

Oh.

Okay, ball.

I need answers.

Where's the g*n?

No, wait, wait, wait.

That's not it.

That's not it.

I have it.

This is the real question.

Here we go.

Who k*lled Pendergast?

"The walls have eyes"?

That makes no sense.

Stupid ball, erase that answer.



- [electricity crackling]



- Ow! What the hell, ball?

Oh, my! Finger lightning! Bean is a witch.

Unless she cast a spell on me to make me believe she's a witch.

Which would make her a witch.

In which case, the witch Oh, Sorcerio, am I crazy?

Yes, darling.

But often, the craziest thoughts are the most true, ya nutloaf! [Bean]

I bet there's a clue in Odval's office.

[gasps]

I'm sure to find evidence of witchcraft in the princess' bedroom.

[both exclaiming]

Whoa! I mean Hi.

Odval.

I was just, uh Out for a midnight stroll?

Why, so was I.

Terrific.



- We can stroll together.



- [both groan]

Well, I simply must be going.

I have a thing with a guy.

Yes.

I, too, must be going, for I have a guy with a thing.

[both]

Hmm.

[Sagatha]

Pull up a log and meet the fairies.

This here is my new friend, Derek.



- [bubble pops]



- Ooh, he's a big one.

What's his story?



- Says he's a prince.



- No way.

I say we get together and make this prince a man.

Right now, you're a delicate dandelion puff.

We'll teach you how to be a big, manly marshmallow.

See, Derek, there are two types of men in the world.

Dirty dogs always runnin' around lookin' for action, and then there's the sweet kittycats.

I have little cat feet.

Yeah, yeah, shut up about the feet.

[suspenseful music playing]

Oh! Oh, Oddie, it's not couples therapy if only one of us is putting in the work.

Argh! Don't sneak up on me like that.

What do you got to report?



- Oh, nothing.

Just Elfo's a little jerk.



- You're a little jerk.

Shut up, you're both little jerks.

Now, look for the g*n.

I wonder what "the walls have eyes" means.

[Miss Moonpence]

Can I help?

Derek, we're gonna teach you the ways of the world.

Each of us has a specialty.

Roxanne, economics.

Karly, linguistics.

Snarla, bitterness.

Hey, Derek, down here.

One, stand up tall and suck your stomach in.

Two, speak with authority.

Three, assume most people are out to get you.

Four, only date someone who actually likes ya.

Who's there to cheer you on, who makes you laugh, who brings you soup when you're sick, and ice cream when you're lazy, who gives you that special tingle.

And when you meet this gal, don't let her go.

Well, that sounds like you.

The hell are you talkin' about?

I was thinkin' someone more like Snarla.

He can't handle what I got.

It's incurable.

[Miss Moonpence]

When I said "help," I meant with a cup of tea or a biscuit.

I don't know where the g*n is.

And even if I did, I couldn't say, only hint.

Odval would have my job.

I hate that it's a man's world.

Come on, guys, we gotta find that g*n fast.

[suspenseful music playing]



- Hmm.



- [hollow clunking]

Hey, look.

This thing is hollow.



- And there's the g*n.



- [Bean]

The g*n?

[Miss Moonpence]

You better hide.

Odval's coming.

[both grunt]

[rattling and thudding]



- Miss Moonpence.



- Yes, Minister?

I have a council meeting.

Did you finish those budgetary amendments?

[Miss Moonpence]

Yes, Minister.

You made sure they're in my handwriting?

[Miss Moonpence]

Yes.

I sent them down with Sorcerio.

Sorcerio?

Oh, no, that wrinkled old buffoon always mixes up the pages.

Thanks, Miss Moonpence.

[Elfo banging on globe]

Hey.

It's dark in here.

[Bean straining]

Oh, man, I can't get this thing open.

[exhales]

Sorry, Elfo, I tried jiggling the latch.

You live in there now.

We gotta get outta here.

Odval could be back any second.

[Miss Moonpence]

Ahem.

Sometimes, it takes a woman to pick up the man's world and run with it.

[Elfo]

Put me down.

I don't like being carried.

[groans]

[Luci]

Whoops.

[Elfo]

Hello?

Luci, stair! Stair, stair, stair! There he goes.



- [metal globe clanking and banging]



- [Elfo groaning and moaning]

[laughing]



- It's not funny.



- Just picture it.

[laughing]

[guards grunt]

[Elfo]

Ah.

Finally.

[shouts]

Ah! What's that rushing water sound?

[screaming]

At least we found the g*n.

Do you think my eyes and bowels will stop spinning eventually?

Yeah, probably, but please stop making eye contact in the meantime.

Without this g*n, Odval won't be able to sh**t anybody else.

Okay, Elfo.

[snapping fingers and whistling]

Ow! I'm cured.

Point out all of Bean's hiding spots so we can stash the g*n.

Okay, this bedpost unscrews, Bean's dr*gs are in there.

False bottom in the bathtub where Bean makes her bathtub gin.

False bottom in the sofa where Bean makes her sofa gin.

And this is where I hide.

I'm not in there now.

[Bean]

Done.

g*n hidden.

You're not telling me where, are you?



- Not a chance in hell.



- [Luci slurps drink]

[back cracks]

[gasps]

Ow.

Okay, kid, we're gonna work on your gullibility.

You're too trusting.

Now go up there, but don't get bamboozled by the cards.

Watch the dealer.

Watch his hands, watch his sleeves, watch his pockets, and watch your watch while you're at it.

Hey, it's the guy who always loses.

Wanna try again?

Everyone's a winner.

All you gotta do is find the queen.

[scatting]

Not so fast! Caught you! Go ahead.

I don't need you.

I don't need nobody.

[Derek]

Hmm.

[mouse gasps]

You're not getting away this time, you trouser

-taker!

- [crunching]



- Ow! She bit me! Ow! Hmm.



- [mouse shrieks]



- Hmm.

Ah.

[mouse]

Ow! [gasps]

Breaking an old woman's cane.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

Hey! I am proud.

You did it.

And you got your pants back, too.

Thanks to you, Sagatha.

You were a baby, but now you're a man, baby.

[kisses]

It's time to go home.

[whistles]

What the hell happened to Prince Derek?

He looks like someone who just came of age, he does.

[gasps]

Guess you ain't king of the crates no more, huh?

[grunts]

Oh, hi, Bean.

I'm a man now.

Shut up, Derek.

I'm looking for a traitor.

Oh, you're always doing that.

Yeah, well, this one sh*t Pendergast.

With a g*n.

The g*n you sh*t Dad with?

You pardoned me for that.

No backsies.

Your attention, please! Derek has a mustache now! Greetings! I have something important to say.

Sagatha, will you give me your hand in marriage?

My hand?

Wha Ah, I've married worse.

What say you, Father?

I've always wanted teeny tiny grandchildren! They can ride around in your pocket, sire.

Oh, wow.

I did not expect that.

I had a whole passionate speech ready to go.

Anyone still wanna hear it?

No?

Well, okay, then, let's have a wedding! [announcer]

Now arriving on his cute little pony, believe it or not, that's the bridegroom! Girls, girls, girls, this is a classy affair.

More cleavage.

I meant butt cleavage.

And last but not least or she'd k*ll me, former Queen of Dreamland, now Pirate Queen of the Seventeen Seas, you guessed it, Oona! Hello, darlings! Oh, mother! You came! Yes.

And I bring lovely wedding gift for new bride.

Oh, sorry.

I forget to take off price tag.

There you are.

In your face.

You think you're better than me?

Oh.

Yeah?

Yeah?

There you go, bitch.

Suck on it! Zøggy, I'm so proud our little boy is marrying anything.

This means so much to whoever I am.

Are you all right?

Or are?



- [babbling]



- Zøggy.



- [continues babbling]



- Shh.

[Oona]

Quiet! Don't do that! [both exclaim]

Don't we just look absolutely bewitching in our dress?

What about you, mister?

If looks could k*ll, you'd be arrested for double m*rder.

What a lovely couple.

Are you kidding?

I'm so out of his league! Hey, Oona, hey! Crazy girl! Hey, what is wrong with your father?

I ask because

- [babbling]



- Zøggy! He was buried alive and he didn't take it too well.

[joyful music playing]

Dearly beloved and the accursed, we are gathered here today to celebrate [Zøg babbling]

Who in the world is making that god

-awful noise?



- It's Zøg!

- [continues babbling]

Zøg did it.

Are you finished?

[mimicking echo]

Yes, yes, yes! To celebrate a truly bizarre whirlwind romance [Zøg]

Wait, hold on.

[babbling]

Okay, I'm done.

And finally, I promise never to use a fly swatter, even in anger, and to believe in you just like you believe in me.

And now, Sagatha, your vows.

Oh, this ought to be good.

I got a nice thing going.

I don't wanna mess it up by opening my big mouth.

[Archdruidess clears throat]

[Sagatha grunts]

If any of you has reason why these two should not be married, clam up.

They obviously don't care what you or anyone thinks.

Now, everyone bow their heads in prayer.

Or disgust.

But do it, 'cause all the other major religions do it, so it must mean something.

[gasps]

Stop the wedding! There's a traitor in the church! [crowd gasping]

It's Odval! Odval k*lled Pendergast.

He sh*t him and then he chopped his head off! Nonsense.

Why, look, Pendergast is right here.

Pendergast! You're alive!

- [shrieking]



- [crowd gasping]

Odval never had the nerve.

[crowd gasping]

How did you get the g*n?

Lots of people have access to your room, Bean.

I'm sorry, Bean.

She threatened to sh**t me.

Shut up, Turbish.

But I now realize she couldn't have without the g*n.



- [g*nsh*t]



- [laughs mockingly]

Missed me!

- [g*nsh*t]



- Ow.

[crowd gasping]

And now, it's time for the final shaddup.

Don't do it!

- Shaddup!

- No! [crowd gasping]

Oh, Turbish! Turbish, are you dead?

No, I'm alive.

I hid big skillet under tunic.

[gasps]

Did you say "big skillet"?



- [engine revving]



- [crowd exclaiming]

[Archdruidess cackling]

I wish you had more horsepower, Smokey.

[engine sputtering and dying]



- [crowd gasping]



- [engine turning over]

[crowd groaning]

Well, she's gone forever.

I wonder if she'll miss her road map.

Give me that.

Steamland.

[Archdruidess cackling]

[closing theme music playing]